Pt. 1 (Arrival)
Even though they didn't know it yet, the inhabitants of Equestria needed a hero. Soon an attack from a dark and dangerous enemy would strike the land and they needed someone to stop it. They needed someone to defend them from utter destruction. They needed a guardian. They needed a champion. They needed a savior.
Unfortunately, all the help that they got was some random douchebag from California. I was that bag of douche, and this is my tale.
My name is Jesse, and I am a brony. I'm a furry too, but that's not really important in this story. I'm really just an average nineteen-year-old guy who happened to discover My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and in a not-so-average way found himself thrown directly into the world of ponies.
Perhaps it would be best to share a little about myself before I go into that: I had no job, no money, and I still lived with my parents in a small rural town in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada. By “rural,” I mean that the entire county has only one small city (if you were very generous with how you used that word), and we didn't live in it. All of which meant that finding any kind of steady entry-level job was difficult even when the economy wasn't in the shitter, and I never felt like I was making any kind of meaningful contribution to my family or community.
I always got good grades in school and had been in only a single fight (if throwing the only punch even counts). I enjoyed learning new things even when I wasn't in school, especially the useless little footnotes that somehow never made it into the books—for some reason, my biology classes never mentioned how all flatworms have two penises in their mouths and mate by stabbing each other with them. (Seriously, who made the decision to leave that vital information out?)
My few friends all lived in other towns, and I never saw any of them except for a few brief moments between classes at the only nearby community college. Since it was still summer break, I usually divided my time between browsing the internet, writing my fantasy novel (four years of on-again off-again work, and it still wasn't close to being even halfway done), playing my guitar, or drawing—I wasn't all that good at either of those last two things, but they did keep me entertained for a few hours. I didn't go outside more because there was nowhere to go and nothing to do without driving to the next county and, since I wasn't providing my own income, I refused to do that and force my parents to foot the bill for gas. Long story short: I had no social life or healthy relationships.
That's enough info for now, so I'll get on with my story now. The whole “Saving the World” bit doesn't happen for a while, so get comfortable while I start from the beginning.
I can still remember the exact moment that my life changed—I was just sitting on my bed with my laptop and had two internet tabs open. The first was playing music from YouTube in my favorite eighties rock and metal playlist. I know that there are other websites dedicated to doing just that, but for some reason I've never gotten around to using any of them. The second tab was an article called “8 Classic Movies That Got Away With Gaping Plot Holes,” and I was just about to find out what put The Empire Strikes Back at the number one spot (while Rob Halford assured me for the seventeenth time that he was breaking the law), when a sudden flash of white light blinded me and the music stopped with a fuzzy pop.
Before I could even register the fact that my computer—my entire room, in fact—was gone, the light faded and I slammed headfirst into a hard wooden floor.
“Ow! Son of a bitch!” I muttered in pain as I grabbed the top of my head. There was a startled gasp behind me, and I turned to see who it was. I probably don't need to say that I was surprised by what I saw.
Staring back at me with equal parts interest and horror was a purple unicorn. Her eyes were wide as she looked me over, taking in every detail from my tattered black t-shirt to the square glasses that I wore on my nose. She had a single hoof raised, but I couldn't tell if she wanted to step closer or run away in terror.
Another purple face appeared from behind her back legs and gazed at me with open fear. “Twilight,” the tiny dragon muttered uncertainly. “What is that thing?”
“I'm not sure,” she whispered back, never taking her eyes off me.
I was still trying to figure out just what the hell had happened. I wanted to say something, introduce myself, and learn why I was suddenly in a strange room with two characters from a cartoon. Was I having a hallucination? Had I somehow fallen asleep at my computer and was this a dream? Was I slowly dying from a poisonous gas leak while all of this was going on?
“Excuse me,” Twilight said timidly as she took a few strides towards me, stepping over the books that were scattered haphazardly all over the floor. I noticed that she was quite a bit smaller than a regular horse; the tip of her horn was at about the same level as my collarbone after I stood up.
“Yes?” I replied, which seemed to surprise her.
“You...I'm really sorry, but just who are you? What are you?”
“My...my name's Jesse. I-I'm a human.” It felt really weird to have to say that.
A small smile broke out at the corner of Twilight's mouth. “Well, it's nice to meet you, Jesse. My name is Twilight Sparkle, and this is my assistant Spike.” With that, she dragged the little dragon forward by the tail.
“Uh...hi,” Spike murmured before once again stepping behind Twilight. Twilight rolled her eyes before staring at me again.
Several seconds of silence passed as she silently took in every minute aspect of my appearance for the dozenth time. I cleared my throat uncomfortably and asked the most pressing question that was on my mind: “Would it be possible for you to tell me how I got here?”
Twilight dropped her eyes for a moment and gave a nervous chuckle. “Well, I guess it's my fault,” she said. “You see, I've been working on a new spell that's supposed to duplicate whatever item I want, but my concentration must've slipped when a certain dragon”—she narrowed her eyes at Spike—“tried to throw a book onto a shelf instead of using the ladder like he's supposed to.” She stopped and looked around quickly. “Spike, did you see where that apple went to?”
“No,” Spike muttered, still trying to hide from me.
“That might explain it,” Twilight sighed and her horn began to glow as she levitated a small blue book and flipped quickly through its pages. “I may have accidentally turned the duplication spell into a switching spell. They're more similar than you'd think. I can fix this, though.” She stopped moving the book's pages and grinned in triumph as she found the passage that she was searching for. “Aha! I should be able to put you back and we can forget that this ever happened. No hard feelings, right? Now, where in Equestria did you come from?”
“Uh, I'm actually not from Equestria,” I replied.
I swear that I could feel my heart literally sink about a foot and a half as the smile slid off Twilight's face. She frantically turned more pages in the still-floating book, then made three more levitate and flicked through them all simultaneously, her eyes a blur as she frantically absorbed the words at superhuman (superpony?) speed.
“No, no, no!” The four books dropped with to the floor with muted thumps. Twilight stared straight ahead and said nothing for about five or six seconds, then blinked a few times and let out another of her nervous laughs. “This is bad,” she said slowly.
“What's bad?” I asked even though I thought that I might already know the answer.
“These spells can only send you to someplace in Equestria,” she said as she picked up one of the fallen books and flipped through it again as if she might have missed something before dropping it once more in defeat. “If I try to send you somewhere else, I can't guarantee that it will work right. You could end up stuck inside the moon or in the middle of a desert or...or something.” Small beads of sweat broke out on her forehead and her lip quivered slightly. “I'm sorry, but I guess I can't fix this after all.”
As those last words sank in, I began to panic. I won't be able to go back? But I have to...to....
Wait, what do I have to do? I felt my eyebrows migrate towards the top of my head as I considered the situation further. I wasn't really needed on Earth, was I? This might not be so bad after all. I would have had to move out eventually, maybe this is just another way to do it. My family can manage without me, and it's not like I'm leaving a bunch of friends behind. Maybe a new start is just what I need.
“Are you alright?” Twilight asked, breaking my train of thought with her shaking voice.
“Huh?”
“You're just standing there with your mouth hanging open like an idiot,” Spike helpfully pointed out. He seemed to have gotten over his shock at my appearance.
“Spike...” Twilight warned as she forcefully dug her hoof into the end of his tail and bit her lip, still watching me intently.
“Sorry, I was just thinking,” I explained, careful to close my mouth afterward. “Well, if I'm going to be stuck here, I guess I'll just have to make the best of it.”
Twilight's expression cleared up and she seemed to relax slightly—she must have been afraid that I would get angry and attack her. “I'm honestly sorry about bringing you here, Jesse...”
“Don't worry about it,” I smiled slightly to reassure her. “I wasn't really happy on Earth, actually, and this might actually work out better for me. Maybe I can be useful here.”
If it seems like I got over my shock and resigned myself to my fate really fast, it's because I did. There are some things in life that you just can't fight, and others that you really don't want to.
* * * * *
“...Basically, it was their way of telling the king to back off and let them become their own country, but the Brits weren't having any of that. The war went on for about seven more years,” I paused to catch my breath and let Twilight put more ink in her quill. She had already filled out dozens of pages with notes and showed no sign of slowing down. Meanwhile, Spike was sitting on a pile of books, listening intently with his mouth hanging slightly open.
It was only after finding out that her plan to send me home wouldn't work that Twilight realized the potential for interesting new things that I could tell her. She started asking lots of questions about Earth and humans, greedily mining my brain for information. The unicorn seemed to be absolutely fascinated with me and where I'd come from, so I had spent the last hour telling everything that I remembered. I decided to start with American history, including Columbus' journey, the landing at Plymouth Rock, the French and Indian War, and then the Revolution. I was pretty sure that I'd left out some important details and gotten a few things wrong, but I just gave a mental shrug and continued with the story.
By the time that I recounted some of the more significant battles and reached the siege of Sporktown (that sounded about right, anyway), it was well past noon and my voice was getting raspy. It had been years since I'd talked so much in a single session, and my throat felt like it had torn itself open somewhere around my Adam's apple.
As I stifled a yawn, my stomach growled loud enough for Twilight to notice. “Oh my goodness,” she exclaimed before setting the quill down and standing up. “You must be starving. Please, allow me to buy you lunch. Do you like apples?”
“Yeah, that sounds good.” The sudden offer of food made me realize just how hungry I was. I was actually craving a hamburger, but a moment's thought told me that that was probably not an option when I was surrounded by vegetarians. Hell, I might not get any meat from now on, I thought sadly. Well, we all have to make sacrifices.
Twilight had already opened the front door and was walking out. “Spike, I'll need you to stay here and organize my notes after the ink dries. We'll bring you back a couple of pies. Also, see about getting a bed for our guest while we're gone.”
“You want me to stay here?” I asked in surprise as Spike grumbled under his breath. I hadn't given a thought to where I would be during the night. “I don't want to intrude...”
Twilight giggled. “I'm the one who made you swap places with an piece of fruit and dragged you into Equestira, and you're the one who's worried about intruding? You sound just like Fluttershy. Maybe I can introduce you to her later. Anyway, you should stay with me, at least for the time being. Now come on, let's get going to Sweet Apple Acres.”
With a shrug, I headed to the door, only to stop at the threshold. It suddenly dawned on me that my shoes were still next to my bed on Earth. With a grimace I stripped off my socks, folded them, and put them in my pocket before stepping out the door barefoot. Like a hobbit, I said to myself. Or a hippy. No, definitely a hobbit.
There were several ponies milling about the town and a few pegasi lounging in the fluffy clouds or on the thatched roofs of the houses, and within seconds every one of them was staring at me. Conversations stopped and foals paused in their games to get a look at the freak who'd just stepped out of the library. Each pair of eyes curiously and suspiciously tracked my every move as I followed Twilight, and as we headed away from the hollow tree towards the edge of town even more eyes peered at my distinctly non-equine body.
As we passed by the onlookers, Twilight pointed out several buildings and landmarks, many of which I recognized from the show. There was the Town Hall, Rarity's boutique, Sugar Cube Corner, that restaurant that she had tried to eat at in the third episode, and a few others. I had a brief mental debate about whether to tell her about the cartoon or not while she pointed out the shop that sold only quills and sofas, but it occurred to me that letting on how much I already knew might be a bad idea. Would she and the other ponies accuse me of spying on them? Would they be curious or angry about how I'd seen them already? Would they even believe me at all? After a little internal deliberation, I decided that, at least for the moment, I would play dumb and let them teach me everything a second time. Perhaps I'll even learn some things that didn't make it to the show, I told myself.
Soon, the buildings had all been left behind and we were able to see a large, sprawling apple orchard that covered the rolling hills outside of Ponyville. Most of the spectators stayed within the border of the town, though I saw a few pegasus ponies trying to hide in the clouds.
“This is where my friend Applejack lives,” Twilight was saying. “Her family's worked here for generations, and they grow the best apples in all of Equestria. They provide the food for all kinds of special occasions.”
“You don't say,” I muttered distractedly. Those pegasi were still trying to spy on us, which really bothered me. Did they think that I might be a threat? Or were they just curious?
“There she is. Hi, Applejack!” Twilight called out to an orange pony with a long blonde mane who was struggling to pull a cart that was overflowing with red, yellow, and green fruit into the large barn. I randomly noticed that the apples that were still on the trees were all red and couldn't help but wonder where the non-red apples had come from.
Applejack twisted her head around and tilted her hat back so that she could see where the noise was coming from. “Oh, hi Twi...” her voice trailed off as she noticed me. Her green eyes grew so wide that they could have popped right out of their sockets and rolled away.
Applejack shook her head quickly and put on a nervous smile. “Uh, hey there, stranger. Jus' who might you be?”
I gave a smile of my own. “My name's Jesse, and I'm a human from Earth.” It still felt weird to point that out.
Applejack's smile faded somewhat. “Human? Earth? Ain't never heard o' either o' those things before.”
“I can explain everything,” Twilight broke in. “But first, I was hoping that we could buy lunch and eat somewhere without everypony staring at us.”
“Sure thing. Jus' let me take this here load up top an' we'll break out ever'thin' we got.” With a huff, she began to pull at the cart once more into the barn. The wheels stubbornly resisted the force, turning with creaking, agonizing slowness.
I looked up and saw the wide open upper loft. A mental lightbulb suddenly flicked itself on. If my history classes had already helped Twilight, maybe I could make my science classes do the same for Applejack.
“Hang on a second,” I said.
“Huh?” Applejack froze a few inches from where she'd started.
“If you have a few spare pulleys and some rope, we could lift the cart up there with a lot less effort.”
“Ya think so?” She perked up with interest.
“He's smart,” Twilight spoke up. “He was telling me earlier about where he's from, and they've done all kinds of interesting things. I want to see where he's going with this.” She was beaming with excitement.
“Well...” Applejack seemed to be struggling between her pride in finishing her work and learning what I had in mind. “Ah sure would 'preciate whatever help ya can offer. 'Bout how much rope do ya need?”
About ten minutes later, I had my system set up. It consisted of three pulleys hanging from the loft entrance and three more attached to the cart itself with the rope running along their undersides. The thick rope snaked its way through the air as it alternated between the cart-fixed pulleys and the ones in the loft before ending in a loose bit at ground level. A few knots that I somehow remembered from my days as a Boy Scout completed the affair. It was a fairly crude setup, but simple enough.
I picked up the loose end of the rope. “Now I just have to pull this, and it'll feel like it's only about a sixth of it's weight.”
“Really?” both ponies gasped at the same time.
“Really. As long as nothing breaks and the rope doesn't get stuck, it'll be that much easier to move.” With that, I knotted a loop for a handle in the end of the rope, dug my feet into the dusty ground, and pulled with a grunt. The cart was still pretty heavy, but in less than a minute I had it swaying in the air just outside the barn's upper level. Twilight helpfully used her magic to push the cart sideways into the loft, and it took only seconds to disconnect the pulleys.
“Well Ah'll be,” Applejack shook her head in amazement. “It don' even look like ya broke a sweat doin' it like that. This here contraption thingy's gotta be worth a week's worth o' food, at least.”
“I'll settle for just one meal,” I said as my stomach growled again.
That one meal turned out to consist of a table piled high with all kinds of apple-related dishes set out underneath a few large apple trees. There were pies, fritters, bumpkins, cakes, dumplings, turnovers, and a bunch of things that I couldn't name. I was forcefully reminded of the very first episode of the cartoon, except that it was just me, Twilight, and Applejack who had to eat it all. The rest of the Apple family either weren't around or were keeping out of sight.
As I was taking a bite out of a fritter (still warm from the oven), a whoosh of air blew my hair into my eyes and the tree branch that was directly over my head creaked and cracked. A small flurry of leaves and broken twigs fell through the air. Twilight paused in the middle of her story about how I had arrived to stare at the disturbance over my head.
“Hey, Twilight,” a boyish voice rang out from above. “What's this I've been hearing about you wandering through town with a new friend?”
I tilted my head back to see a sky-blue pegasus pony lounging on the tree branch with her ass right in my face. Her mane and tail each had several stripes of colors, and some of the longer strands of hair were trying to make their way up my nose. Apparently she hadn't spotted me before landing.
Applejack and Twilight glanced at each other before returning their gaze to the newcomer. “Well, Rainbow Dash,” Applejack said as she tried semi-successfully to keep a straight face, “If ya hang around fer a spell, ya might get ta meet the fella.”
“Yeah,” Twilight added. “I bet you'd like to get to know him.”
“Well, where is this guy? Snowbank wouldn't stop talking about how weird he looks.” Rainbow Dash glanced to her left, right, and even searched the sky for a moment—she looked everywhere but down and behind herself.
“Well that's...uh, what exactly did Snowbank say makes him so odd?” Twilight cringed and bit her lip immediately after saying that, and I could easily imagine her mentally berating herself for asking.
Rainbow seemed too preoccupied with casually rubbing a hoof against her chest to notice. “Oh, nothing really. Except that he walks on two legs, doesn't have a tail, and has fingers like Spike, but more of them and they're really long. I mean, what isn't weird about all that? I've also heard that he's skinnier than...what's wrong? Why are you looking at me like that?” Rainbow's tail was waving slowly back and forth, which made it difficult to see how the other ponies reacted to this. If I'd had a clear view, I probably would have seen expressions of absolute horror on their faces.
I cleared my throat softly, wondering what she would do. For a moment, the only reaction was that every hair along the pegasus' spine bristled and her tail stopped moving. Then she slowly turned her head around to see me.
Rainbow's piercing pink eyes met my brown ones for maybe half a second before she disappeared in a violent cascade of leaves as she launched herself into the air with a high-pitched screech of panic that would have made a banshee cover its ears. She made a beeline for the nearest cloud and shoved herself inside it. She was almost too fast to follow, but we could tell which cloud it was by the sudden appearance of three other pegasus ponies that she knocked right out of it.
It took several minutes of yelling to convince Rainbow that I wasn't going to beat her to death with her own skull for what she'd said. Eventually she calmed down enough to land again and help eat the remaining food, though when she spoke she seemed to choose each word with extreme care and kept giving me brief glances that were equal parts scared and embarrassed.
After a fairly lengthy but pleasant conversation and another explanation about how I had ended up in Ponyville in the first place, Applejack and Rainbow both excused themselves to get back to work. Rainbow seemed both eager and hesitant to leave, and made a promise that she would let me watch her fly around the next day. I personally thought that this was a bit haughty, but decided to agree anyway.
To be continued...
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♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪
Not bad. I'm looking foward to the next chapter.
After reading the description, I really wasn't expecting much out of this story. With all the amazing (seemingly) self-insertion stories out there though, it really shouldn't surprise me that something like this could be so well written! Though the whole Twilight messes up a spell route is a little bit overdone, it's a heck of a lot better then the getting sucked into your computer or TV screen idea. It hasn't gotten too far in yet, but I really can't wait to see where this goes!
So basically... I guess I'm in agreement with Meta Knight. I look forward to reading what happens next in your story.
On a completely unrelated note...
4946
... Hanzo? Is that you?
WAAHAHA!!! Another good story to keep track of!
Not bad. Certainly better than most "Human in Equestria" stories.
I say 3.5 out of 5.
"They needed a guardian. They needed a champion. They needed a savior.
Unfortunately, all the help that they got was some random douchebag from California."
wait...
a human in Equestria story....
that doesnt suck....
I notice someone's a fan of RvB.
Great story so far.
*Back on Earth*
"Oh my God...Our son turned into an apple!" Yelled Jesse's mother with a confused look on her face.
knock 3 Pegasuses out of a cloud (bitch move out da way)
82332
I laughed a lot harder than I should have.
I see what you did there.
I've been looking for something like this for awhile this is not half bad
Of course you can have meat
Love it.
Note to self, if I attempt to reread this in the future:
You know all those HiE Cliches'? Yeah, well, all of them are pretty much condensed in the first chapter. Take that as you will, future me.
6151554
Well, it's a really old fic. Sub-1000, even. Whatever we establish as cliche today was fresh back then.
Reading this in 2022 is weird, though. On one hand, I can understand that back then clichés weren't established and all, so everything written here is pretty much brand-spankin'-new. On the other, holy crap, every single sentence gives me the eye rolls.