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Pt. 1 (Arrival)4,214 words
Pt. 1.5 (The Rest of the Introduction)2,926 words
Pt. 2 (A New Look)3,519 words
Pt. 3 (Pain)5,017 words
Pt. 4 (Rescue)6,990 words
Pt. 5 (Magic)10,433 words
Pt. 6 (A New Threat)5,485 words
Pt. 6.1 (Doom and Gloom)5,209 words
Pt. 6.2 (Darkness Falls)6,523 words
Pt. 7 (Something Different)8,158 words
Pt. 8 (Decisions & Afterword)7,584 words

Pt. 4 (Rescue)

“Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together. It is the true magic of the universe.” — Woodrow Wilson

The next day, Pinkie had the brilliant idea to have a party to celebrate our recovery. Not just any party, though: she wanted to go to the beach and have a picnic there before summer ended. Since there weren't any beaches that we could travel to and return from without missing Luna's festival, we all decided that a nearby lake would have to do.

I had had a few brilliant ideas of my own (I get a lot of those). Rainbow Dash was wearing a harness that was connected to about twenty feet of rope that in turn was connected to a wooden handle that I held in my hand. We were both standing at the edge of the shore and looking out over the expanse of water.

“Are you completely certain that this is safe?” Rarity asked worriedly. She was watching us from the shadow of a nearby oak tree whose roots hung out into the lake. Despite the shade, she was wearing a straw sunhat on her head.

I nodded and shifted my weight on the wooden board that I had strapped to my feet. I'd already stripped off my shirt, glasses, and shoes and rolled my pant legs up to my knees. “I'll be fine, I've done this plenty of times before.” Behind a boat, I didn't mention.

Rainbow shrugged a few times to get the harness to fit more comfortably on her back. “Are you ready? Let's hurry up and try it out.”

I gripped the handle tightly. “Just try to keep going in a straight line for as long as you can, but don't get too close to the shore. Ready when you are.”

Rainbow Dash took off a moment later, speeding directly for the opposite shoreline only a couple of feet above the flat lake. There was a second where nothing happened, then I was yanked forcefully out over the water as the rope ran out of slack. I leaned back and bent my knees as my makeshift wakeboard came into contact with the lake.

Everything was going perfectly as Rainbow pulled me quickly across the water's surface and away from Rarity, Twilight (who was reading a book, naturally), and the barbeque that Pinkie Pie and Applejack were cooking on. The ponies didn't have meat, but they did have hot dogs and hamburgers made out of a mishmash of different fruits and vegetables that had been ground up and sprinkled with various spices. It was pretty much the vegetarian equivalent of spam. The end result had the same consistency as beef, and somehow even tasted pretty similar, but something about it was just wrong and I hadn't been able to swallow more than a few bites. Sometimes there's just no substitute for the real thing.

I was suddenly dragged back to the present as Rainbow changed course to avoid Fluttershy, who was also wearing a harness and pulled a snoring Spike across the lake in a rubber tube. I turned my board as well to give them a wide berth. The resulting wave rocked Spike hard enough to make him open an eye and glance around, but he was asleep again a few seconds later.

Rainbow turned sharply to the right as we came close to the other side of the lake, and I used the momentum to swing around to the left side. The water was clear and still, which gave me a decent wake to work with. I would have preferred a bigger one, but it was actually much better than I had been expecting, considering that Rainbow wasn't a boat or dragging anything through the water.

By the time that we got back to where we'd started, I'd pulled off a few jumps and grabs, but nothing spectacular. The wake just wasn't big enough, or maybe Rainbow's speed was off. Whatever it was, it prevented me from pulling off my favorite tricks. At least Rainbow had gotten a good laugh each time that I crashed. It was still pretty fun, but not completely satisfying.

I let go of the rope as we came close to the shore and let the momentum carry me to land. My back and knees were sore from the ride, but that wasn't anything unexpected. What was unexpected was the distinct lack of ponies under the trees.

“Where'd everypony go?” Rainbow asked out loud. “Is this one of your games, Pinkie?”

There was no way that we'd come to the wrong spot, since my stuff was all right where I'd left it. As I put my glasses back on, I got a better look at the place but still couldn't see our friends.

“Twilight?” I called out. “Rarity?”

“Pinkie Pie!” Rainbow shouted. “Applejack! Fluttershy!”

“I'm right here,” Fluttershy flew over, still pulling a still-sleeping Spike along on the water. “What's with all the yelling?”

“Did anypony mention going somewhere after we left?” I asked.

Fluttershy shook her head, making her wispy pink mane whip through the air. “I didn't hear anything, but I was out in the middle of the lake.”

“Uh, guys?” Rainbow pointed to the ground further inshore, which was churned up as if a bunch of animals had been digging through it. The barbeque was knocked over and most of the scattered almost-meat pieces had teeth marks on them.

Well, it looks like we have a mystery on our hands, I thought to myself as I got a closer look at the mess. Or hooves, whatever. What we need now is for a tall blonde guy, a redhead chick, a nerdy girl, a stoner with permanent munchies, and their Great Dane to all drive up in a flower-power van.

Spike sat up in his tube and rubbed his eyes before he realized that something was wrong. “What's going on?” he asked sleepily. “What happened to everypony?”

“We're trying to figure that out,” I said and scratched my head as I picked up the copy of Histories of the Griffon Kingdoms that Twilight had been reading. A bunch of the pages had been torn out and blew away in the wind. Well, that can't be good.

“Rarity's hat!” Spike grabbed the abandoned sunhat that was floating in the shallow water by the oak tree's roots and pressed it to his chest with a soggy crunch. “Don't worry, my love, we'll find you!” he promised the air.

Fluttershy started searching through the nearby brush. Every time that she pushed the scraggly vegetation aside, she shook her head and moved on to another location.

Rainbow Dash flew up above the trees and looked around. “No sign of 'em anywhere,” she announced after a minute or so.

I turned my head away to the left and scanned further along the shore. A speck of bright pink near the water's edge about fifty feet away caught my eye. I pointed it out and quickly walked over to it. The others wordlessly followed, still looking everywhere for any other clue.

The pink thing turned out to be Pinkie's saddlebag, which was half-buried in the mud. I noticed that there was a heavy lump about half the size of my head in the bottom as I picked it up. “Huh? Did she put a big rock in here?” I wondered out loud.

After opening the bag, the weight was revealed to be a bomb. Yes, a bomb. A stereotypical cartoony round black bomb with a long rope fuse. The only thing unusual about it (other than the fact that Pinkie had packed a fucking bomb for a relaxing trip to the lake) was that the fuse ended in a small metal plate with a LED screen flashing random colorful lights.

That screen was state-of-the-art futuristic technology by Equetrian standards, and of course Pinkie Pie was the one who owned it. And had it attached to an explosive. It makes perfect sense.

“Why is there a bomb in Pinkie's bag?” Rainbow nervously asked the obvious question that had no obvious answer.

Before I could even shrug or try to come up with some kind of explanation (as if there were any good ones), the mud beneath my feet liquified and I sunk right into it. Spike yelped as he was pulled into the ground as well, but his cry of surprise was cut off as the mud covered his mouth.

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy rushed downwards to help us, but I sank out of sight before their hooves could reach my hand. I thrashed my arms around, trying to claw my way back up, but I was already too far down to reach the surface and was quickly sinking even further.

I began to panic as I fought to breathe, but suddenly I fell out of the muck and into clean air. Well, it actually smelled like stale farts and moldy leftovers, but it was marginally better than the mud in the sense that I could actually inhale it.

A moment after my arrival, Spike fell through the ceiling as well. He landed on his back with a grunt and gasped for breath. He was covered from head to tail in muck, and I was pretty sure that I didn't look any better.

I wiped as much of the gunk out of my eyes as I could and took in our new surroundings. We were in a small, damp underground tunnel that was sparsely lit by glowing blue crystals that stuck out of the walls at irregular intervals. I wasn't quite sure how the mud had allowed us to sink through without falling in on itself or leaving a hole, but it somehow made up the ceiling of the passage. Magic, probably. Magic is always the answer.

“What just happened?” Spike asked as he got his breath back and rubbed at his spine. Then he sniffed at the air and violently plugged his nose. “Ugh! Diamond Dogs! I'd know that smell anywhere!”

“Diamond Dogs? Here?” I struggled to remember the proper episode of the show. They were filthy canines who had a hard-on for jewels and could dig through the dirt like a fish swimming through water.

Spike nodded and wiped his chest off. “They captured Rarity last time we met them, and they've probably ponynapped the others too! We've gotta save 'em!”

I glanced down at the bomb that I had somehow managed to hold onto during the trip through the mud and got a new idea. Maybe this will come in handy, I thought as I wiped the mud off the piece with the LED screen.

The lights read “ARMED” and several options were listed next to tiny buttons, including “ALTER MAGNITUDE” and “SET TIMER.” I pressed the one that said “REMOTE DELAYED DETONATION”. The metal plate snapped itself off of the fuse and fell into my hand.

“What are you doing?” Spike's eyes went wide. “Don't mess around with that thing!”

A few more button presses and I'd set the bomb to go off fifteen minutes after pressing a small red button that popped out of the back of the plate. I now had a remote detonator.

“Do you even know what you're doing?”

“Yep,” I said as I nonchalantly shoved the bomb back into the muddy ceiling, where it stuck somewhere out of sight. “I just got us a bargaining chip.”

“For what?” Spike rolled his eyes. “Even if that thing blows up and fills the tunnel, they'll just dig another one. Some chip.”

“We're right next to a lake,” I reminded him. “All it'll take to make it flood this whole place is a little encouragement, if you know what I mean. I'm pretty sure that they'll want to avoid that.”

Spike's mouth turned into a small “o” as he understood the implications. Then he gave the ceiling a nervous glance and purposely occupied himself with cleaning off the rest of his scales.

I slid the detonator into my back pocket and made a mental note to be careful if I sat down. I knew that using the bomb would be risky, but it could definitely make negotiating the release of our friends much easier.

* * * * *

Spike and I quickly ran down the tunnel, which lead even deeper underground. The passage twisted and turned frequently, so my sense of direction got completely screwed up early on. To make matters even worse, there were occasional forks to choose from that would sometimes loop completely around and end up right back where they'd started.

Every so often, I stuck my ear to the ground like Indians would do in those old TV shows. I could actually hear faint shuffling and a few muffled thumps, but I had no way of telling what caused them or where they were coming from. They seemed to be getting slowly louder as we kept moving, but I wasn't completely sure.

It was impossible to tell how long we'd been descending, but after what felt like at least an hour a light appeared at the end of the tunnel that was much brighter than the crystals that dotted the walls. There were definitely noises coming from up ahead as well; it sounded like guttural voices.

I turned to Spike and held a finger to my lips before crouching on all fours and sneaking forward like Gollum. He nodded and hugged the wall, scrambling over loose rocks and making as little noise as possible.

The light turned out to be coming from a huge torch-lit cavern that was filled with gigantic glowing crystals and gems that protruded from the rough walls and ceiling. Massive diamonds and titanic rubies jutted out beside gargantuan emeralds and colossal sapphires. Not one of them was smaller than my head, and most were bigger than a car. It was a jeweler's wet dream and an excavator's piss-yourself-in-terror nightmare. (Either way, you'd need to change your sheets after seeing the place, is what I'm saying.)

Our tunnel connected to the chamber at the base of a rocky ledge that wrapped all the way around the room in a natural ramp. There were several gray boulders just outside the connection, and we hid behind those, peeking over them to get a better look around.

The grunts that we'd heard came from a bunch of dogs that were about the same size as me. They wore rusty gray armor and helmets that left their legs and club-like tails free but covered their eyes. Most of them were just standing around or patrolling in circles, though a few were digging at the base of some of the giant gems.

Three of the dogs stood off to the side, clothed in tattered vests with small jewels poking out of their pockets and more hanging from the collars around their necks. I dimly recalled that they were the leaders.

“Move faster!” the smallest of the Diamond Dogs sniveled as he cracked a whip in the air. He was brown and vaguely resembled a bulldog with drooping ears and arms that were far too long for him.

I raised myself up slightly to see who he was yelling at and had to fight back a gasp of complete unsurprise. Twilight, Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie were all yoked to carts that were piled high with gemstone fragments and were pulling them slowly across the room toward another tunnel. They all looked scared and trudged along obediently. Even Applejack sagged with fatigue and Pinkie looked defeated.

“He said move!” shouted the big blue oafish-looking dog as he swung his own whip and brought it down right on Rarity's flank. She tossed her head back with a grimace of pain. She didn't cry out or say anything because the Diamond Dogs had thought ahead and tied a muzzle onto each of the the ponies' snouts.

“Oh no you don't!” Spike tried to vault over the rocks, but I pulled him back and pinned him to the ground. He tried to struggle out of my grip and I had to shove my hand into his mouth to keep him quiet.

“Oh no you don't!” I hissed. “Listen, there's too many. If we just barge in there, they'll take us out too. We need to think of some kind of strategy.”

He spat my hand out with a disgusted look—it had been through the mud, after all—and quietly coughed a few times before trying to talk again. “Well, think faster. I'm not gonna just sit here and watch them get beaten up!”

Just as I was starting to put a plan together in my head, an angry growl came from behind us. We whipped around in time to see one of the guard dogs jump from the wall and barrel straight at us.

Spike managed to duck in time, but I wasn't so lucky. The dog's paws slammed into my chest and knocked me against the boulder. He leapt away again just as quickly with a screech of pain as Spike jabbed the point of his tail into the dog's unprotected leg. I booted the mutt in the side of his head, and he took off running back down the tunnel.

I would have been thankful for Spike's assistance, but that yelp turned the attention of all the Diamond Dogs straight to our location. Braying and barking filled the air and echoed in the cavern as they all charged right at us.

Shit. So much for strategy, I thought.

They cut off our retreat and we were quickly backed into a corner next to an absurdly big ruby that reached all the way to the vaulted ceiling. It was not an ideal situation for rescuing our friends. Suffice to say that I had not factored this possibility into my plan.

There were about thirty dogs in total, including the leaders. A few of them had crude maces or spears clutched in their paws, which they pointed menacingly in our direction. Their growls grew louder and a few of the dogs were even laughing to themselves.

The ponies had nothing holding them back except for the carts, but they were all too shocked by our appearance to realize this. I couldn't signal for them to run without their captors noticing.

“Stay back, you mutts!” I shouted as the Diamond Dogs began to close the gap. “One step closer and I'll set your brains on fire!”

I didn't even realize what I'd said until after the words had left my mouth, but the bluff seemed to make them pause for a moment. They shared glances (despite not having eye-holes in their helmets) and I could tell that they were mentally debating whether to risk it or not. They didn't know what I was, after all.

“It's true,” Spike quickly reassured them. “I saw him do it to Lyra yesterday because she looked at him funny. It was horrible, and she wouldn't stop screaming! Her skull popped right open and her brain was burnt to a crisp! He's crazy!”

Most of the dogs all took a few hurried steps back and put their tails between their legs. They suddenly seemed much less sure of themselves. Well, they didn't have to be smart, did they?

The gray medium-sized leader facepalmed (facepawed?) and muttered something to himself before turning to his smaller companion. “Spot, take him down!”

The brown bulldog leader shrank back with a whine and his ears drooped even more than before. “But...but...I like my brain the way it is.”

“Take him down!” the gray one screamed and jabbed a long finger at me.

Spot gulped and turned back to us. He set his face into a determined scowl and charged forward. Spike dove off to the side, but I stood my ground and waited, my hands curled into fists. The rest of the pack started howling in support of their sorta-leader's attack.

At just the right moment, I jumped forward and sunk my knee right into Spot's nose. Without missing a beat, I swung my arm down in a judo chop right to the back of his head. Spot crashed to the ground and slid to a bruised halt as his momentum stopped. He didn't move to get up.

The barking died down to shocked whimpers and some of the dogs retreated even further. They stared at me warily and stuck their tails between their legs again. The entire pack seemed to be having second thoughts.

The gray alpha pulled at his pointy ears in frustration. “Oh, you useless...Fido, you go and get him!”

“But boss...” the big blue dog protested. His yellow eyes were filled with fear.

The gray one grabbed him by the collar and forcefully shoved him at me. Fido seemed genuinely terrified, despite being slightly bigger than I was.

“Run while you can,” Spike suggested. Fido seemed to think that that was a good idea and slowly backed away.

The gray one wasn't having any of that. “I will skin you alive if you don't rip his head off this instant!” he shrieked. His sickly green eyes had become bloodshot in the last minute or so.

Fido seemed momentarily torn between fleeing from me or his boss until one of the armored dogs tossed a spear forward, which he desperately grabbed and pointed right at my face. The other dogs started growling again and banged on each other's armor like drums.

The blue dog narrowed his eyes and ran forward, jabbing the spear right at me. I ducked to the side and grabbed the weapon's shaft, but he shoved his shoulder into my chest and knocked me on my back.

The dogs howled louder than ever, screaming for blood.

As Fido moved in for the kill, Spike jumped onto his back and pulled at his neck. Fido responded to this by slamming his back into the giant ruby. Spike released his grip and slowly slid down the jewel's face when the dog pulled away. Little stars spun around the little dragon's head.

With that distraction out of the way, Fido turned his attention back to me and pointed the weapon at my head again. I rolled straight at him and shoved him back. I grabbed at the spear again and turned it sideways so that the point was away from either of us. We both pulled at it for a moment, and the veins on both of our arms popped out.

Then I twisted my grip and slammed the blunt end painfully into his jaw. Before he could recover from the blow, I tore the weapon out of his paws and pulled it against my knee. It snapped in half without much resistance. I smashed the blunt ends against his head in a quick flurry of heavy blows and finished with a double swing that hit home on both sides of his neck at once.

Fido crumpled to the ground right next to Spot with a grunt. He didn't try to get back up either.

Again the noise died down to whimpers. I was breathing pretty hard, despite not having done a whole lot. Adrenaline does that to you.

The gray leader seemed taken aback by Fido's not-moving status and my not-dead status. He tried to take a few steps away, then froze as I pointed my finger straight at him and slowly curled it back towards myself. Come get some, the gesture said. My blood was pumping and I felt invincible. I knew that getting too confident was dangerous, but I didn't really care at that point.

Only then did I realize that my right ass-cheek was really hurting. Then I realized why. Oh. Shit. Not good. This is really not good.

I cleared my throat and tried to keep the panic out of my voice as I called out the remaining alpha. “Do you want to try now?” My voice was much calmer than I felt.

“Uh, n-no...not really...” He tried to back away again.

“Is this your leader?” I spat at the armored dogs. “You follow this runt who tells you to do things that he's not willing to do?”

“Who are you calling a runt?” The gray one's eyes flashed in anger.

“You, obviously,” Spike called out from where he was eating the diamonds from Spot's collar.

“Shut up,” I hissed quietly and turned back to the gray dog. Even though it would be great to stage a full-scale uprising against him from his own troops, that might take a while. We didn't have a while to take.

“I could spend a few more minutes taking you all out even without frying your brains, but at the moment I'm more than willing to be merciful. If you release the ponies and leave this place for good, I'll let you all live.”

“And leave all theses gems behind?” He gestured at the giant jewels that decked out the cavern. “Forget it! We know that you'll just take them for yourselves. We'll never surrender our wealth to the ponies and...and whatever you are!”

This was taking too long. I almost thew another threat out, then a sudden thought entered my mind. It was absurd—there was no way that they'd accept it. Still...

Well, it's worth a shot. “In that case, I might have another proposition for you.”

His ears perked up at that. “And that is...?” he said warily.

I twisted the pointy end of the broken spear into the dirt to vent my growing agitation. “Listen up, Rover. We have—do you have a name?”

“Rover,” he growled.

“Well, listen up, Rover. What do you say to an accord that will provide a mutual benefit to all of us?”

The dogs all looked at each other in confusion. So did the ponies, who still hadn't made a move to escape. Spike raised an eyebrow as he chewed the last of Fido's gems.

“Go on,” Rover said, his curiosity overcoming his fear and anger.

“It's simple, really,” I said more evenly than I should have been able to. “It's called capitalism, or private enterprise if you prefer. Instead of stealing a bunch of ponies away and forcing them to work, you hire them. You pay them with a set percentage of the gems that they haul.”

“Why should we do that?” Rover sneered. “Why share instead of taking them all for ourselves?”

“Other than to avoid my wrath?” I casually nudged Spot's unconscious body with my shoe. “Because you'll get a lot more jewels in the long run. Like I said, you get to keep most of the gems, and they only earn more when they work harder. Working harder to increase their wages means more profits for you. Imagine, just as a quick example, that one pony gets ten percent of the gems, so they have to haul a hundred of them before they earn ten and you keep the other ninety. If they want to increase their take to twenty gems, they have to pull two hundred, and you get a hundred and eighty of them. Everyone wins.

“Also, since they'd be here of their own free will, you wouldn't have to worry about them escaping, which means that you could set these guards to doing something more productive than standing around to keep an eye on them. Have them dig up the gems or reinforce the tunnels or something.”

A few of the guards were nodding along and nudged each other, but Rover still looked skeptical. “What about the unicorns? We want them to help us find more gems when we're done here.”

“I'm sure that for the right price you could convince them to work for you every once in a while to find another motherlode of jewels.” Another random thought popped into my head and quickly took shape. “And speaking of them, Rarity could probably set up another shop specifically to sell jewelery in Canterlot if you invest a few loads of gems to help get it started. In return, she could give you shares in that store so that you have a say in how it functions and get a fraction of the total profits that come from it.”

Rarity's eyes bugged out of her head at the thought of partnering with the dogs, but I could tell that she was interested in the concept. Not everypony could say that they owned two successful businesses.

Rover tapped at his chin in thought. The other dogs kept shifting their attention between him and me. I frantically wished that he would hurry up and make his decision.

Finally, he nodded. “Alright, you have a deal.” He walked up and stretched out his dirty paw, which I shook firmly. Normally I would have been a little hesitant to touch something so filthy, but I was a little preoccupied and sucked it up.

I couldn't believe that it had actually worked. Maybe they were just that stupid after all. But we were still in a rush, so I didn't waste time dwelling on it.

I cleared my throat once more. “If that's settled, we'll be back tomorrow to work out the details and write up a contract. If you would be so kind as to show us the way out...”

“Why wait?” Rover's eyes suddenly narrowed again in suspicion. “We could get started now.”

“Because...” I threw my gaze around and saw Rarity again, her hair all disheveled and her coat caked with dust. I snapped my fingers and pointed right at her. “Because these ponies are all dirty and tired out, that's why. You can't make important business decisions and set regulations in this state! They need to rest and get themselves washed up.”

I grabbed Rover's vest and pulled him closer—I was careful to avoid breathing—so I could whisper in his ear. “And, between you and me, Rarity whines way too much when she's not perfectly clean.”

Rover nervously glanced over his shoulder and nodded enthusiastically. “I know what you mean. Very well, we'll meet here again tomorrow at dawn. You four!” he snapped his fingers at the nearest armored dogs, who came to attention. “Release the prisoners and lead them all to the surface. Make it quick, so that she doesn't have a chance to start whining again.”

* * * * *

The trip back to the open air was quick, but not fast enough for my preference. Our escorts didn't seem to notice my agitation, and lead us rapidly through the twisting tunnels and into the sunlight. We emerged from a large rocky cave that jutted out of a hill about a quarter of the way around the lake from the site of our ruined picnic.

Pinkie bounced along, humming a happy song to herself as we left the darkness behind. The other ponies and Spike let out sighs of relief. I still glanced around nervously. We weren't safe yet.

I jumped as Rarity started talking. “Jesse, I must say that you were quite clever back in that cave. And the new business opportunity! It's like a dream come true! This deal is the chance of a lifetime!”

I felt a rock of guilt drop into the pit of my stomach. She looked so happy, and I had bad news for her.

I twisted around to make sure that the guard dogs weren't listening too closely and whispered back. “Sorry, Rarity, but I was just talking out of my ass back there. There's not gonna be a deal.”

“What?” both she and Twilight asked at the same time, completely caught off guard.

“I'll explain later. Listen up; I'm not sure how much time we have left, so we need to get away ASAP. Pinkie, count to five. When she's done, everypony run into the forest.”

“Okie dokie lokie,” Pinkie said with a smile, still bouncing and not questioning my order. “One, one, it's so much fun! Two, two, don't be blue! Thre—”

A massive explosion shot out of the mud near our picnic site, throwing chunks of the ground into the air and shaking the lake into a mass of choppy waves. The ground heaved violently and threw us all forward. The dogs growled in confusion.

“Shit, just run!” I yelled and sprinted for the trees. I could hear the clopping of the four ponies' hooves right at my heels as they followed my lead. Angry barks and the pounding of the dogs' feet followed closely as they gave chase a moment later. I turned around in time to see Spike blow a few green flames to keep them at bay as he struggled to hold onto Twilight's mane.

We reached the treeline quickly, where the tangled roots of the trees would prevent any Diamond Dogs from digging after us. That's what I was hoping, anyway.

Two of the armored dogs ran right into tree trunks (eye-holes were invented for a reason) and a third got tangled in the brush. The last one seemed to be slightly more competent and managed to catch up behind Applejack. She bucked him right in the face for his trouble and he ran off with a howl of pain.

More barks sounded out behind us, but the dogs couldn't travel as quickly as the ponies while we were above ground. After a few more minutes of running, the braying faded and we stopped to rest in a small rocky clearing.

“Just...just what was that commotion?” Rarity asked as she gasped for breath. “What happened back there?”

“A bomb,” I replied as I got my own energy back. “We found it in Pinkie's bag.”

“You used my bomb?” Pinkie frowned at me incredulously. “I was saving that!”

“Why did you set it off when things were going so great?” Twilight asked. She sounded a little upset too.

“I didn't mean to!” I said a bit too defensively. “I was going to use it as a threat so that we could get them to release you, but they attacked before I could mention it. Then when Fido knocked me down, I hit the button by accident and started the timer.”

“That's what happened?” said Spike. “I was wondering why you never brought it up. So...now we've just flooded all the tunnels and the cavern with all the jewels in it? Right when we could have made a great deal to keep the Diamond Dogs from ponynapping ever again and helped Rarity start another store?”

“Uh...yeah. Pretty much.” It did sound really bad when he put it like that.

The others all purposely moved their gazes away from me. I suddenly had a flashback to seventh grade, when I was one of those kids that everyone avoided for no particular reason. Only, in this case, they had a pretty damn good reason.

Christ, you really fucked that one up, I told myself as I pulled the now-useless detonator out of my back pocket and tossed it into the trees. Dammit.

“Oh, come on!” Rarity spoke up with an edge of anger in her voice. “Jesse just saved us from a lifetime of slavery, and you're all upset about some silly business contract that probably would have fallen apart anyway? Why, we should all—”

“Hey, there you are!” Rainbow Dash's loud voice interrupted as she flew down from a cloud with Fluttershy following more slowly. “What happened to everypony? And do any of you know why the lake's draining away?”

“Dashie!” Pinkie shouted excitedly and jumped straight up into the blue pegasus' hooves. “It was really weird! First those meanie Diamond Dogs captured us, then Jesse and Rover tried to make a deal, then my bomb exploded, and did you know that giraffes can clean their own ears with their tongues? That's just so gross!”

“Is that...you...wait, what?” Rainbow looked confused, then shook her head to clear it. “Forget it, let's just get the hell outta here.”

“Pinkie, why did you even have a bomb in your bag?” Fluttershy asked as she landed on the ground and walked with the rest of us. Heading back to Ponyville seemed like the proper thing to do at this point.

“I had it in case we ran into a chupacabra, duh,” Pinkie said cheerfully as she hopped along, as if that were the most obvious thing in the world.

“An' jus' what the hay is a chupathingy?” Applejack asked, then shook her head. “Ya know what, on second thought, I don' really wanna know.”

The rest of the trip back to town was quiet except for the wind in the trees and Pinkie's humming.

* * * * *

“'Dear Princess Celestia,'” Twilight spoke aloud as she used her magic to write a note. “'Today my friends and I learned that, even though things don't always go perfectly, they can still work out. Sometimes you just have to settle for what's good enough and realize that complaining about what might have been won't improve the situation.'”

“That's not very inspirational,” I paused in my drawing and twirled my pencil around. Spike lowered the stick that he was holding and relaxed. On the paper, he was swinging a sword to defend a cowering Rarity from a rabid manticore.

Twilight sighed. “I know. I really did learn a lot today, but I'm having trouble finding the right words to describe it.” With a groan of frustration she crumpled up the letter and dropped it into a waste bin. There were six other rejected drafts of the same note already in there.

I turned back to my drawing and frowned as I added a few lines to Rarity's horn. “I still think she's upset. Rarity, I mean.”

“Of course she's not,” Twilight insisted with a forced smile. “She said so herself that the deal probably would have fallen apart, and she was right. Those Diamond Dogs are greedy creatures, so it's pretty unlikely that they'd accept a contract that's fair to us.”

“But we'll never know for sure,” Spike hefted his stick and stuck his heroic pose again, then shrugged as Twilight glared at him. “What? It's true.”

Twilight rolled her eyes and got out a new piece of paper. “Ugh,” she growled in frustration. “I don't even know where to begin this thing!”

“How about you start by saying that making a decision too fast can come back to bite a chunk out of your ass,” I offered.

“That's great, can I quote you on that?” she asked sarcastically, then her face brightened. “Why don't you write the letter? I'm sure the Princess would love to hear about it all from your perspective.”

“Oh hells no,” I protested as she levitated the quill and paper to me. “I can't write to a Princess! What am I supposed to say? Forget about the deal, I managed to—”

Twilight cut me off. “If you don't want to write it, maybe I can convince Princess Celestia to come to Ponyville so that you can just tell her face-to-face. I'm sure she wouldn't mind at all.”

“On second thought, writing doesn't sound so bad,” I muttered. At least then I wouldn't have to worry about answering questions unless the Princess wrote back. Not to mention that this way I would avoid her possible—if unlikely—fury at being summoned away from her palace. I didn't really like the idea of being banished to the moon.

I had to write it out a few times. Twilight gave me a few tips and Spike offered occasional insight such as “She doesn't need to know your life story, man,” and “That sounds stupid, use a different word.” Eventually, I got it into a somewhat presentable form:

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am Jesse the human, writing to you at the request of Twilight Sparkle. I know that she will occasionally send you a report on her what she learns about friendship, and she has decided that I should make one of my own based on the experiences of today.

What I learned from our ordeal is that a hasty decision, even when made with the best intentions, can occasionally cause a great deal of harm. Despite this, choices must be made and their consequences must be faced. You need to learn from the mistakes that you make and not allow them to keep you from moving forward.

On another note, I also learned that leaders need to be considerate of their followers and should never give orders that they wouldn't be willing to follow. Such a ruler only plants the seeds of their own destruction and will one day find themselves abandoned by their subjects. In this way, you may rest assured that your reign will far outlast Rover the Diamond Dog's.

I greet you on behalf of Earth and look forward to one day making your acquaintance.

Jesse

It wasn't the best letter that I've ever written, but it was short and summed everything up in a fairly concise manner. I never claimed to be a great writer, anyway. (I know what you're thinking right now, and shut up about the irony. Nopony likes a smartass.)

After Spike sent the note, we got back to my drawing. Despite what Twilight and my letter had said, I could have sworn that the charcoal Rarity's eyes were secretly accusing me of stealing away a perfect opportunity from her.

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