• Published 1st Mar 2013
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The Secret of Smarty Pants - Rough_Draft



What do the Elements of Harmony and the fate of Equestria have to do with Twilight's old doll? More than she ever imagined!

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A Patchwork Solution

Fourteen – A Patchwork Solution

Cadance and the other tailors looked up as Shining Armor came galloping in with a pair of pegasi guards behind him. Immediately, the Princess dropped her tools and rushed to his side, nuzzling him as he panted fiercely.

“Thank you…” he wheezed. Then, when he’d started to calm down, her prince lifted his head and added, “They’re already here. We’ve got reports… ponies being attacked and changelings being exposed… it’s bad, Cadance. Real bad.”

“I know, dear.” Cadance used her magic to summon a pair of dolls, handing them to the pegasi guards. “Take these to the front lines. If it works, we’ll have more for your phalanx very soon.”

The guards looked at the dolls dubiously, but nodded and followed Shining Armor back out. Cadance sighed and prayed for his safe return.

“Your Highness?” A tailor pony named Sapphire Sun came up beside the Princess and bowed. “The first batch is nearly finished.”

“Then it’s time for the key ingredient.” Cadance smiled and touched the Element of Love around her neck. “Everypony, remember the day we drove off King Sombra. Remember the Crystal Heart and the love you bear for one another.”

Sapphire Sun rejoined her fellow workers as the Crystal Ponies bowed their heads and closed their eyes. Cadance hovered into the air, clearing away all doubt and misery from her mind and heart. She thought about Twilight and her friends, every one of them as dear to her as her own husband.

Casting the love spell on all seventy-six dolls was not difficult. What was difficult was serving as the focus for the love of over a hundred Crystal Ponies. She felt a tingle in her flanks, right around her cutie mark, as their emotions washed through her, emerging as a single point of light from the tip of her horn.

Dolls floated into the air. The magic took hold, burying itself into each toy.

Let it work, Cadance prayed. We’ll give them a false pony to feed on so that a true pony might be spared that pain.


Rarity held on tight as she and her friends were flown at a terrible speed toward the Crystal Empire. This was definitely not how she wanted to be brought to that magnificent city. If she’d had her way, they’d arrive by train—or even better, by royal chariot! Not like this—not clinging to the backs of two changelings who both looked like Rainbow Dash.

“Excuse me,” the changeling on the left grunted, “but would you mind moving your hoof to the left? You’re—hrggh!—pushing into the bottom of my wing!”

“Oh, how rude of me!” Rarity moved her hoof as instructed. “Er, I don’t suppose you could make yourselves look a little more glamorous? Riding on a pair of Rainbow Dashes just isn’t fashionable!”

“You’re worried about fashion at a time like this?”

“How could anypony not be? If you’re going to save the day, you might as well look good doing it!”

The other changeling—Gadfly, she believed his name was—craned his head around to look at her. Then, after nodding to his wing mate, their bodies rippled with green light.

When it cleared, Rarity found herself riding two copies of herself. With beautiful wings.

“Is this,” Gadfly said in Rarity’s voice, “more to your liking?”

“Yes, yes, yes, yes!” Rarity squealed and hugged the changeling. “Now we’re heroes with style!”

At the head of their formation was Twilight and Ichor. Behind them were Fluttershy and Longlegs carrying Applejack, followed by Cricket and Rainbow Dash carrying Pinkie Pie. They’d been in the air for the better part of half an hour, racing out of the Old Forest and straight for the distant gleam of the Crystal Empire.

At first they’d been slow to fly and slow to trust one another. Rarity in particular hated the idea of having to work alongside any brute who’d trick her friends so cruelly. And to think she’d given that one impostor Twilight’s doll! But a few calming words from Twilight and Ichor had apparently been enough to quell the dispute.

“We’re flying to save everyone,” Twilight had insisted. “We’ll stop the war before it starts.”

Rarity had to admit that her friend had the right idea. These changelings on the whole seemed rotten, but individually they’re weren’t so bad. And they at least had some sense of savoir-faire to pull off their illusions.

Perhaps when all this fighting is over, she mused, I could get a few of them to turn into the most beautiful fashion models Equestria has ever seen!

“There they are!” Twilight called out. She pointed a hoof at the Crystal Empire and the dark swarm’s descent from above. “Everypony, get ready!”

What followed was the most brutal, most uncivilized affair Rarity had ever encountered. One moment, she was soaring through the air on the back of her two changeling counterparts; the next moment, she was landing a solid kick against a sinister-looking unicorn right in his horn.

Her friends joined the fray as well. Rainbow Dash and Applejack were the first after her, tag-teaming their opponents with the earth pony’s well-placed kicks and the pegasus’s violent dive-bombing. Pinkie Pie and Twilight were flanking the edges of the swarm, using a party cannon and bursts of magic to drive them out of the city.

As Rarity ducked a swing by an incoming unicorn—and let Gadfly swoop in to finish him off—she heard a delicate voice cry out, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Turning around, she saw Fluttershy performing a most unusual martial arts style. The yellow pegasus wasn’t so much hitting her opponents as rapidly dodging them and “accidentally” tripping them into one another. Her battle-cry was a constant litany of apologies and terrified squeals.

Rarity fought her way toward the poor dear, using her magic to levitate herself as she’d seen Twilight do so many times. She managed to perform a front flip and land right beside Fluttershy, just in time to land an impressive whack against a changeling’s head. The brute groaned dizzily and collapsed onto the shimmering pavement.

“Th… thank you!” Fluttershy panted. She leaned into Rarity for support. “I don’t think I can keep this up!”

Rarity nudged her affectionately. “Not to worry, dear. Just think about all those animals back in Ponyville you’ll be keeping safe today!”

“Safe.” With one word, Fluttershy’s whole demeanor changed. Her eyes widened. Her mane was tossed back defiantly. She got back onto her hooves and flew right at the nearest group of changelings. Rarity watched them wilt beneath the power of “The Stare,” stumbling away from her.

“That’s right, you’d better run!” Fluttershy called out. “Or I’ll tell your queen on all of you!”

Rarity smiled. “There’s a good girl. Now, for Spike and all of Equestria!”

Then turned and charged back into the battle. It looked like Gadfly could use a helping hoof.


Chrysalis snarled when she saw the protective bubble appear over the Crystal Palace. The first wave of her changelings flew and ran right into it, bouncing off without causing a single ripple. Clearly, Shining Armor had learned a few tricks since his wedding day.

“Pull back!” she ordered. “We’ll let them barricade themselves in. Take the rest of the city and feed, my servants!”

She watched as her swarm extended away from the palace and back over the city. So many Crystal Ponies fleeing in terror. So many guards falling to their assault. This day was going exactly as she’d hoped it would.

When she landed on the avenue, Chrysalis trotted toward the palace with a victorious sneer. She hoped Cadance was watching. She wanted her to watch as the changelings took her precious empire. She wanted the princess to remember how it felt to be that helpless.

Only then would she know. Her and Celestia and every last accursed pony in Equestria. They’d all know how it felt to wander the wastes as a dying nation—

“My queen!” One of her loyal subjects briefly lost his disguise and raised his hoof to the sky. “Look!”

Chrysalis glanced up as a series of blue flashes spread across the sky. She recoiled, sensing some kind of air-to-surface attack, but to her surprise, it wasn’t magical attack.

Hundreds of dolls rained down onto the streets and rooftops of the Crystal Empire. Chrysalis’s jaw dropped as miniature ponies landed right in the heart of the invading swarm. Everything went silent as the dolls fell to the earth with a collective plop.

And then, nothing. No follow-up attack, no ambush, none of the usual treachery.

But her minions stopped fighting at once. Their disguises began to fail as they looked down at the dolls in wonder.

“S-so much love,” one nearby changeling hissed. “So juicy!”

“Food!” another screeched. “True food!”

Chrysalis snarled. “It’s not food! They’re just… just toys! Carry on the fight!”

But thousands of beady eyes stayed fixed on the dolls. The changelings crept toward them with hesitant hooves and prodded them. Blue and pink sparkles burst out from every doll’s head, giving each changeling a rapt smile in return.

Food!” the cry went up. “Food! Food! Food!

“No!” Chrysalis bellowed. “Stop this nonsense! I am your queen and I order you to finish the invasion!”

This was outrageous! She had dealt with insolence before, but never on such a massive scale. Her subjects were ignoring her—ignoring their queen! Their savior in the Great Exodus!

A commotion to the east drew her attention. Chrysalis cringed when she saw a pack of fliers racing toward her. Fliers led by Princess Twilight Sparkle.

The alicorn stared dispassionately at Chrysalis. The queen stared back, wondering how fast she could make it back to occupied Canterlot. At least she could ransom Celestia and Luna—

“It’s over, Your Majesty,” a humble voice called out. Chrysalis turned and noticed one of the dolls standing upright. A gray little pony with a mane made of yarn and soft blue shorts.

“What devilry is this?” she demanded. “What are you?”

“Oh, just call me Smarty Pants!” The doll bowed its head and waved its little hoof. “But if you want to stop this, you’ve gotta catch me first!”

Chrysalis no longer cared. Abandoned by her swarm, she would have her answers and then her revenge. Even if it took another century in the wastes, she’d have it.

She fired a green bolt at the doll, but Smarty Pants dodged it with a floppy roll. Then the queen was chasing it down the avenue, only marginally aware of how ridiculous she must have looked to any bystanders. But she chased it all the same into a nearby alley, snarling as many threats as she could think up.

“…And when I’m done with you, I’ll tear down the Crystal Palace and build an even larger one in its place!” she finished. When the doll came up against a wall, Chrysalis dove toward it with all her hate—

And landed on cold rock.

Groaning, she pushed herself back onto her hooves. The alley was gone. So was the rest of the Crystal Empire. Chrysalis stared in disbelief at her new surroundings.

She knew these caverns. She’d banished Cadance down here a long time ago.

“Well, well, well,” a giggling voice called out from the darkness. “So this is the fierce Queen Chrysalis. How nice of you to honor us with your presence!”

Slowly, the queen turned around. Standing behind her was a hideous creature with a deer’s antler, a goat’s leg, a bat’s wing, and a snake’s tail. And two unfriendly yellow eyes…

“But you’re not nice, are you?” Discord continued. He walked toward her, forcing Chrysalis to shrink back quickly. His smile disappeared. “How dare you? How dare you treat my friends so shamefully?”

“I-I don’t know you mean!” Chrysalis found herself falling back onto her wings. She lifted her hooves to shield herself from the approaching draconequus.

Discord glared. “I may be an agent of chaos, but even I have standards, Your Majesty. I don’t suck the love out of ponies and I don’t betray the best friends anypony could possibly have!”

“Please!” Chrysalis threw her hooves over her face. She could feel the raw power inside this mad creature. One snap of his fingers and she’d be wiped from the face of the earth. “Have mercy!”

Discord smiled hideously. “Mercy? Oh, I don’t do mercy, Your Majesty.” He pointed a thumb back into the shadows. “For that, you’d have to ask her.”

She didn’t have to look to know who it was. She could hear gentle hoof-steps from within the shadows, followed by that unnaturally calm voice.

“This war is over,” said Princess Celestia. “Your changelings are free to leave Equestria. But you, Chrysalis, will remain here. Not as our prisoner…”

A quiet smile crossed her lips. “But as our guest.”

Author's Note:

This is possibly the penultimate chapter of the story. Only one or two more left to wrap up this tale! I hope you've enjoyed it, and thanks to everyone who commented on and favorited this story.

P.S. Bonus points to anyone who gets the "Nightmare Before Christmas" reference in this chapter.