So far, I like the story. The characters are interesting, the plot is good and the clop doesn't get in the way of the story. You really feel for the characters and you want to know what's going to happen to them.
The only thing bugging me is how Piper become suddenly romantically attracted to White Mane. He's physically attracted to him, he even admitted it to himself, but at no point I felt like he's genuinely in love with him. For me, Piper just jump to the conclusion that because he want to have sex with White Mane he's in love with him. Maybe I missed something, or maybe it's gonna turn into a sad fic where Piper realize physical and romantic attraction aren't the same thing and White Mane gets heartbroken in the process.
Hey, man. Kickflank, sexy story. Implore your pre-readers to edit harder, yeah? You used the word "apposed" twice in the first chapter; that should've been "opposed".
Still, he wanted....needed to put up something resembling a fight, or else he ran the risk of coming off as slutty, and, it went without saying that, that couldn’t happen. [Chapter 1]
"And it went without saying that that couldn't happen" should have no commas. The ellipsis should have three dots, not four.
He recalled a piece in last month’s ‘Cosmarepolitan’, under the ‘Ten Do’s and Don't's To The Equestrian College Party’ that reflected his roommate’s logic, and he echoed the sage wisdom to his roommate
You forget to italicize "Cosmare" or "Cosmarepolitan" a bunch of times throughout the story, such as this one. "To The" ought to be lowercase, and you put too many spaces between "reflected" and "his". And the sentence needs to end with a period.
Normally, a Vodka Lime would take the edge off, but, tonight he was feeling a little adventurous. “...a Fuzzy Stable?” [Chapter 3]
Delete one of the two spaces that follow "adventurous", and delete the comma that follows "but".
“Stormy,” he began. “, you’re a very charismatic young stallion. You’re witty, handsome and as you said, single. Would this happen to be because you prefer to cuddle with colts?”
Change "began. “, you’re" to "began, “you’re".
“I think,” White Mane smirked. “, that it’s your turn?”
See, you can't smirk a statement. You just smirk. So you'd type, "“I think that it’s your turn?” White Mane smirked." or "White Mane smirked. “I think that it’s your turn?” or . . . I guess you might type, "“I think...” White Mane smirked. “...that it's your turn?”"
“I don’t want to interrupt,” Piper interrupted, slapping a hoof on the table and leering at his roommate, “But, I’d like to steal this turn if that’s okay?”
"But, I’d" ought to be "but I'd", lowercase and commaless.
“Maybe,” White Mane continued to pant as Stormy’s soft nimble hoof continued to slowly stroke his member. “, we...oh D-Dukes,... should go to my room?”
If White Mane is panting his words, then change "member. “, we" into "member, “we". But if White Mane is just panting (like just smirking), then replace “Maybe,” and ", we" with “Maybe...” and "...we".
“Do you have, um...” Stormy paused. “, Lube?”
Replace “, Lube?” with “...lube?” It's a continuation of the sentence Stormy started earlier; it's not a new sentence.
“White...Mane..” He moaned into his ear, “I...I’m gonna...go a little faster...okay?”
Your second ellipsis is one dot short; add one on. Btw, what you're saying is "White Mane. I'm gonna go a little faster, okay?" Putting "he moaned into his ear" in the middle of two separate sentences like that feels weird. If I were you, I'd make it into one sentence—"White Mane, I'm gonna go a little faster, okay?" (see, there's a comma, not a period)—by changing the capital "He" to a lowercase "he".
“Well, everypony talks about their first time being really special and magical, and, I didn’t believe them,” White Mane grinned. “, But this was the most wonderful experience I’ve ever had with a colt.”
Make that either "them.” White Mane grinned. “But" or "them...” White Mane grinned. “...but".
“Yeah,” he sighed, dreamily. “, but, I’m so glad I got to share it with you.”
Make "dreamily. “, but, I’m" either "dreamily, “but I'm" or "dreamily. “But I'm". If I'm cramping your grammatical style and the way you put a comma after an opening quotation mark is a conscious, totally radical choice of yours, then may I ask, out of curiosity, where you learned that? I use nonconformist, personal grammatical rules on a number of conventions, too; it's intriguing.
Piper and The Handsome Dunce: Zero. [Chapter 1]
He sighed under his breath, lifted a second plastic cup of liquid fart and fired back another half beer.
At first, White Mane was startled--more so caught off guard, really--but soon he realized this was in fact everything he'd wanted, hoped, and prayed could happen between them tonight, and so he just moaned against the older colt's mouth, melting into his chest.
He threw his head back when White Mane ran his tongue across the slit of his stallionhood and drawled out a heavy, lustful groan when White Mane started to ascend his length.
Suddenly, Piper’s head shot up and the strangest grin that White Mane had ever seen his roommate wear in his life spread across his cheeks; it looked almost diabolical. [Chapter 3]
“I’m sorry,” Stormy chuckled softly.
Effin' double spaces. Delete the extra spaces, man. FiMFiction justifies text, which makes 'em look hideous.
Stormy’s drinking game had certainly achieved it’s goal.
On a slower, sloppier kiss, White Mane felt the slick wetness of Stormy’s tongue lick against his lips and was happy to oblige it’s entry.
The door slammed open loud and shook on it’s hinges.
The pain was starting to wane away and the strangest feeling began to take it’s place; it was warm, tickling and entirely pleasing.
White Mane exhaled a sharp breath of air, Stormy’s right forehoof left it’s place on his hip and stroked his cheek and White Mane leaned sideways to kiss it.
C'mon, man. "It's" is a contraction; "its" is possessive. You used "itself" once, which is an abbreviation of "its self", and you don't use an apostrophe there, so why would you use an apostrophe in "its", y'know?
I mean, man, two writers and five editors, and not a single correct use of "its"? Man, that's shameful, you feel me? And screw your frggin' four-dot ellipses. An ellipsis has three dots. Sure, some people, such as me, might end a sentence with a period, then follow that up with an ellipsis, for a total of four dots, but if you've got an ellipsis that's in the middle of a sentence, rather than one that's following the end of the sentence, then you've got to keep the ellipsis at a length of exactly three dots—and you've got to use a lowercase letter when you resume the sentence after the ellipsis, right? 'Cause you don't need to capitalize because you're not starting a new sentence.
And, man, have you ever heard of the em dash, —? I prefer it over pairs of hyphens and stuff, but that's just me.
Hey, ask me questions if you want to. Sorry if I come across as abrasive. Ask your editors questions, too, if they've got the grammatical knowhow. I mean, hey, I don't have an exemplary amount of grammatical knowhow, though; I'm plenty fallible. Here, you should totally read this: http://fimfiction.net/writing-guide
2594079 Heya. I'm not the kinda writer who'd get his panties in a twist about a fan pointing out a few little itty bitty errors, in fact, I'm actually kinda embarrassed that I let so many things slip by; the problem is I have so much text to skim through and so little time. But, I appreciate you taking the time to do it for me
I hope other than the hiccups you still really enjoyed the story?
Thanks dude! I really appreciate an author of your high esteem checking out my work, I don't wanna sound like a brown noser but I kinda used Rumble Splits Lickity as my golden standard of clop when I wrote this chapter.
Man, that's some false advertising right there. This ain't silly at all! This is like... Either full on or at the very least treading dangerously close to some kinda NTR fic. The jock, Stormy, and soon to be that one professor... Poor Piper man. He's probably going to be an alcoholic after all this is over with.
I feel like a dork but I had to look up what NTR stood for. Sure it sucks for Piper that he has to wade through the channels of being in the friendzone, but, if there's anything that bad Asthon Kutcher/Ryan Reynolds Rom-Com's have taught me it's that all the sexual tension builds up to one hell of a climax (Pun intended.)
I honestly don't think I'm a compelling enough writer, or it's fair for you guys as readers, to stretch the one sided love angle out for like 30 chapters, so, after a few more chapters of Piper pining and White Mane being an aloof unintended sluttipus I'll hook 'em up and then it's just a matter of how long I can keep a story about the cutest M/M couple going (I'm shooting for 10 chapters max, but, you never know?)
Like my boyfriend said you deserves a piper I feel so bad for the guy but i know one thing jocks and doctors and people who are only out for one thing don't get very far. I admit I have been through so rough breakups but I know one thing I found my piper and you know what I wouldn't trade him for anything. All those others things were not important to me like my love. My heart is attached to one man and one man only. Isn't that right spooge298. He completes me and I'm glad I found him and he found me. He is my true love and without him I'm just a nobody. Just to let you know it takes a real man to love someone as broken as me but it takes an even better man to forgive me for things in my past. I love you baby!!!
Nothing like some smoking hot sex.
Also, I saw what you did there with Piper and the closet, you clever bastard.
Pipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!
2587184 Agreed.
Oh that was just preshus
NOOOO, poor Piper! At leas this explains why White Mane is madly in love with Stormy.
Oh stormy...
t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRuwaTO_lENoDLVSAvb8OkMT24_0WrJRwVsOMrtA0DGnfAN0ELi
2588959
So far, I like the story. The characters are interesting, the plot is good and the clop doesn't get in the way of the story. You really feel for the characters and you want to know what's going to happen to them.
The only thing bugging me is how Piper become suddenly romantically attracted to White Mane. He's physically attracted to him, he even admitted it to himself, but at no point I felt like he's genuinely in love with him. For me, Piper just jump to the conclusion that because he want to have sex with White Mane he's in love with him. Maybe I missed something, or maybe it's gonna turn into a sad fic where Piper realize physical and romantic attraction aren't the same thing and White Mane gets heartbroken in the process.
Oh no, Piper you're losing him!
I feel bad for Piper now.
Oh, and
Oh my. I wonder why Stormy acted so incredulously towards White Mane's statement of it being his first time.
Hey, man. Kickflank, sexy story. Implore your pre-readers to edit harder, yeah? You used the word "apposed" twice in the first chapter; that should've been "opposed".
"And it went without saying that that couldn't happen" should have no commas. The ellipsis should have three dots, not four.
You forget to italicize "Cosmare" or "Cosmarepolitan" a bunch of times throughout the story, such as this one. "To The" ought to be lowercase, and you put too many spaces between "reflected" and "his". And the sentence needs to end with a period.
Delete one of the two spaces that follow "adventurous", and delete the comma that follows "but".
Change "began. “, you’re" to "began, “you’re".
See, you can't smirk a statement. You just smirk. So you'd type, "“I think that it’s your turn?” White Mane smirked." or "White Mane smirked. “I think that it’s your turn?” or . . . I guess you might type, "“I think...” White Mane smirked. “...that it's your turn?”"
"But, I’d" ought to be "but I'd", lowercase and commaless.
If White Mane is panting his words, then change "member. “, we" into "member, “we". But if White Mane is just panting (like just smirking), then replace “Maybe,” and ", we" with “Maybe...” and "...we".
Replace “, Lube?” with “...lube?” It's a continuation of the sentence Stormy started earlier; it's not a new sentence.
Your second ellipsis is one dot short; add one on. Btw, what you're saying is "White Mane. I'm gonna go a little faster, okay?" Putting "he moaned into his ear" in the middle of two separate sentences like that feels weird. If I were you, I'd make it into one sentence—"White Mane, I'm gonna go a little faster, okay?" (see, there's a comma, not a period)—by changing the capital "He" to a lowercase "he".
Make that either "them.” White Mane grinned. “But" or "them...” White Mane grinned. “...but".
Make "dreamily. “, but, I’m" either "dreamily, “but I'm" or "dreamily. “But I'm".
If I'm cramping your grammatical style and the way you put a comma after an opening quotation mark is a conscious, totally radical choice of yours, then may I ask, out of curiosity, where you learned that? I use nonconformist, personal grammatical rules on a number of conventions, too; it's intriguing.
Effin' double spaces. Delete the extra spaces, man. FiMFiction justifies text, which makes 'em look hideous.
C'mon, man. "It's" is a contraction; "its" is possessive. You used "itself" once, which is an abbreviation of "its self", and you don't use an apostrophe there, so why would you use an apostrophe in "its", y'know?
I mean, man, two writers and five editors, and not a single correct use of "its"? Man, that's shameful, you feel me?
And screw your frggin' four-dot ellipses. An ellipsis has three dots. Sure, some people, such as me, might end a sentence with a period, then follow that up with an ellipsis, for a total of four dots, but if you've got an ellipsis that's in the middle of a sentence, rather than one that's following the end of the sentence, then you've got to keep the ellipsis at a length of exactly three dots—and you've got to use a lowercase letter when you resume the sentence after the ellipsis, right? 'Cause you don't need to capitalize because you're not starting a new sentence.
And, man, have you ever heard of the em dash, —? I prefer it over pairs of hyphens and stuff, but that's just me.
Hey, ask me questions if you want to. Sorry if I come across as abrasive. Ask your editors questions, too, if they've got the grammatical knowhow. I mean, hey, I don't have an exemplary amount of grammatical knowhow, though; I'm plenty fallible. Here, you should totally read this: http://fimfiction.net/writing-guide
2594079
Heya.
I'm not the kinda writer who'd get his panties in a twist about a fan pointing out a few little itty bitty errors, in fact, I'm actually kinda embarrassed that I let so many things slip by; the problem is I have so much text to skim through and so little time. But, I appreciate you taking the time to do it for me
I hope other than the hiccups you still really enjoyed the story?
dude thats cold.just gonna do that to piper...you derseve a face hoof
2594079
Some of those I pointed out but didn't want to harp on being missed, but I genuinely missed quite a few. I'll try to do better next time.
Besides, editing isn't my strong suit. My strong suit is drinking.
(And no, I didn't edit drunk! )
This chapter was a massive improvement over the first. I liked it very much.
2601526
Thanks dude! I really appreciate an author of your high esteem checking out my work, I don't wanna sound like a brown noser but I kinda used Rumble Splits Lickity as my golden standard of clop when I wrote this chapter.
This chapter was so romantic.
Man, that's some false advertising right there. This ain't silly at all!
This is like... Either full on or at the very least treading dangerously close to some kinda NTR fic.
The jock, Stormy, and soon to be that one professor... Poor Piper man. He's probably going to be an alcoholic after all this is over with.
2606580
I feel like a dork but I had to look up what NTR stood for. Sure it sucks for Piper that he has to wade through the channels of being in the friendzone, but, if there's anything that bad Asthon Kutcher/Ryan Reynolds Rom-Com's have taught me it's that all the sexual tension builds up to one hell of a climax (Pun intended.)
I honestly don't think I'm a compelling enough writer, or it's fair for you guys as readers, to stretch the one sided love angle out for like 30 chapters, so, after a few more chapters of Piper pining and White Mane being an aloof unintended sluttipus I'll hook 'em up and then it's just a matter of how long I can keep a story about the cutest M/M couple going (I'm shooting for 10 chapters max, but, you never know?)
Like my boyfriend said you deserves a piper I feel so bad for the guy but i know one thing jocks and doctors and people who are only out for one thing don't get very far. I admit I have been through so rough breakups but I know one thing I found my piper and you know what I wouldn't trade him for anything. All those others things were not important to me like my love. My heart is attached to one man and one man only. Isn't that right spooge298. He completes me and I'm glad I found him and he found me. He is my true love and without him I'm just a nobody. Just to let you know it takes a real man to love someone as broken as me but it takes an even better man to forgive me for things in my past. I love you baby!!!
Cute chapter, it's just that knowing what happens after this makes me want to give Stormy such a bandhand slap.
2623764
You just hate Stormy I can kinda understand why, but I try to make him more likeable every chapter in Different Strokes.
...this chapter made me terribly sad... but that aside very well written
I sure am looking forward this story. So yeah keep it up!
With that in mind, Piper came out of the closet.
Oh.. oh Celestia... that made me laugh
Well played
this is sooo adicting...i never get old of this story...itstouching to the very last word....
Can you release the new chapter so i can see if you redeemed your self?