Losing New Year's Eve
Written by: bookplayer
Head.
Head. Pain. Not good.
Move head. ARGH! Light! Head back in pillow! Light is bad. Light is evil. Buck light in it’s dumb light face. Light is... no, wait, this is good! Last night was New Year’s Eve. So a headache like this means I must’ve had an awesome time!
I'm laying on my stomach, with my face in a pillow. It's time to take inventory. I try my wings. They're there, and working, which is the only really important thing. They're pretty sore, though.
My legs are all there, in working order, but just as bad as my wings. I swish my tail, feeling it against my hind legs. So far, all of Rainbow Dash is present and accounted for!
Now for the hard part. Where is here? I'm in a bed, that's a good start. It isn’t my own bed, which is an even better start. I probably didn’t get a ticket for drunk flying, and there's probably somepony who shared it with me. Somepony hot, hopefully. I lift up my head carefully and squint, hoping to get a clue without the sunlight making me throw up.
Dots. Lots of red dots on things, the door, the wall, the pillowcase. I focus on the dots on the pillowcase while I carefully open an eye the rest of the way, and they aren't dots anymore. They're apples.
“Ha!” I laugh out loud, before the pain hits me and I remember that noise is evil. But that's not important because I totally scored with Applejack! This is perfect, there’s only one mare in Ponyville with a hotter body than AJ’s, and that mare is currently laying in AJ’s bed.
AJ must've been drunk too, she's not usually into the whole night-of-fun thing. Trust me, I've asked before. But with how sore I am, I figure I might've changed her mind last night. I always told her the two most athletic ponies in Ponyville could have a hay of a time in the sack.
I just wish I could remember it. I sure hope she does.
Finding that out gives me a reason to peel myself out of bed, and I'm actually in a pretty good mood even if my brain feels like it's trying to escape by beating a hole through my skull. I head down to the kitchen, past Granny Smith napping in the living room. Heh, hope we didn't keep her up last night.
As I walk into the kitchen, I almost wanna throw up. Applejack is standing at the stove, cooking something. She should have more sense than that, everypony knows that food is a deadly weapon against ponies with a hangover.
“Mornin', Sugarcube!” she says, loudly and cheerfully. I cringe, but she just goes on, “I'm just makin' some pancakes, I know you ain't gonna be up for much. And there's a big glass of water on the table. You better get to drinkin' that.”
“You're in an awfully good mood,” I say, before downing the water in one gulp. Not a good idea, now I feel even sicker, but I'm not gonna let Applejack know that. I smirk, and say, “How’d you like last night?”
“It was okay,” she says casually, still looking at the pancakes.
My smirk gets bigger. “Heh, I’ll bet it was. Just don’t go getting too attached. I’m not ready to be tied down, ya’ know? But if you wanna do that again—” I stop, because she's looking at me weird over her shoulder.
She raises an eyebrow. “You don’t remember a thing, do ya’?”
She's right, but I'm not about to let her change the subject on this. “I know we must’ve had a wild time. It takes an awesome pony to leave me this sore.”
“Is that so?” She chuckles a little and goes back to cooking.
“Sure! When I get that drunk, I’m the most awesome party in Equestria! Even Pinkie can’t beat me.”
“Huh.”
“And that means you must have had the most awesome party in Equestria... in your bed.” I walk over next to her and rub my flank against hers. Hopefully that'll remind her, and she won't be able to stop herself from smiling.
Instead, she just steps to the side, away from me. “Dash, nothin’ happened.”
“Then why was I in your bed?”
“You were... we were worried ‘bout ya’, is all. You’d been drinkin’, and I thought it’d be safer if ya’ came back here.”
“Sure.” I roll my eyes. “Look, Granny isn’t around, AJ. You can just admit it, you couldn’t resist me, we had a little fling, and it won’t happen again.”
She turns to look me in the eye. She looks kind of annoyed and says, “Rainbow. I did not have sex with you!”
“Then what happened in your bed?”
“Nothin’! We fell asleep.”
“No way!” I shake my head. “You're lying. There's more to it than that.”
She bites her lip, then turns back to her skillet. “If there is, you don't wanna know what.”
“What do you mean, I don't wanna know?”
“Dash, just leave it. It ain't important. This is a new year, right?”
“Yeah. And I'm going to start it off finding out what I don't wanna know.”
“Well that sounds like fun,” she says, looking at me over her shoulder like I'm an idiot.
“If you won't tell me what happened last night, I'll find out from somepony else. I bet you couldn't keep your hooves off me,” I say as I fly to the door. I open it and cringe. “Gah! Why would Celestia make New Year's Day so bright?”
“One'a the mysteries of life, Dash,” Applejack says, shaking her head and chuckling as I try to get my aching muscles stretched out and take off towards town.
As I fly over Sweet Apple Acres, I try to figure out what sort of awesome stuff I must have done to get AJ to bed. This is important; AJ isn’t just a notch on my flight goggles. She’s the only important notch on my flight goggles. The hottest, most athletic mare in Ponyville, who happens to be really cool and a great friend... this is easily the top score of my life so far.
A thought hits me: Maybe I was off my game. I was drunk, what if I didn’t give AJ my best stuff, and now she thinks I’m bad in bed? No. No, even drunk I’m an awesome lay. And I never would have gone to bed with AJ if I didn’t think I could keep up with her. There’s no need to worry, she totally wasn’t laughing at me. But I pick up speed, I have to know how this happened before I go crazy.
One short flight later, my head is feeling better as I walk into Sugarcube Corner. I guess that glass of water really helped. My body is still a little sore; AJ must be crazy in bed. I just have to find out enough to make her admit it.
I figure Pinkie Pie will probably tell me everything she knows about the evening, right down to how many times she blinked. Of course, she'll probably start with how many times she blinked, then tell me about the fireworks over town hall, then about a cake she made three days ago, then what actually happened. But my Pinkie-to-Equestrian translation is pretty good, so I should be able to catch all the details.
I spot her taking a bakery box to a pony by the window. Soon as she's done, I fly over to her. “Hey, Pinkie?”
“Dashie! Did you like the fireworks? I think I did because I remember them, but that might just be because I've never watched fireworks upside down before. I've been trying to figure out how I got upside down, but I can't remember that part so it probably wasn't as much fun as the fireworks. I think it had something to do with the scuba mask.” Pinkie grins. “What's up?”
“You don't remember last night, either?” That stinks. I can always ask the other girls, but they're more likely to leave out the juicy details.
“I remember part of it! Most of the beginning, and the fireworks, and trying to explain to Gummy why we couldn't just sleep in Twilight's sock drawer, which is because Twilight doesn't wear socks. Gummy was very persuasive, though.”
“Yeah, I bet,” I say. “So if you remember the beginning, what happened? When did AJ start drinking?”
“Applejack wasn't drinking, silly! That was us!”
“Maybe she got a late start. Anyway, just tell me what you remember.”
“Well, me and AJ and Fluttershy were waiting for everypony outside by Town Hall, when you flew up with this bottle...”
***
“Woo! Who’s ready to party!” Rainbow Dash shouted, flying up to her friends with an open bottle in her hoof.
“Oooh me! I am! I’m ready to party!” Pinkie raised a hoof and hopped up and down.
“Have some of this!” Dash offered.
Pinkie grabbed the bottle and took a swallow. Then another. Then another. Finally Dash grabbed it out of her hooves.
“I didn’t say have all of this! Sheesh, Pinkie!” Dash turned to Applejack. “AJ, want some?”
“No, thanks. Apple Bloom is runnin’ round tonight, and I gotta be on my hooves,” Applejack said with a smile.
Dash smirked. “Can’t hold your liquor?”
Applejack just shook her head. “Any other night, I’d drink ya’ so far under the table you’d be in the cellar. But I ain’t gettin’ myself in a mess tonight.”
“When would I ever get into a mess? Tonight is going to be awesome! I'm gonna find a hot pony and party all night!” Dash scanned the crowd. “I’m gonna go say hi to Cloud Kicker. Everypony make sure AJ doesn’t accidentally have fun!”
Dash flew over to where Cloud Kicker was standing and brushed up against her. “Hey.”
“Hi, Rainbow Dash,” the gray-blue pegasus answered, casting a suspicious glance at Dash's bottle.
“I saw you standing here alone and thought you might wanna find out if there’s a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow,” Dash said with a grin, brushing Cloud Kicker's flank with her tail.
Cloud Kicker’s hoof hit Dash hard across the muzzle, and Dash blinked, then took a swig from her bottle. “Okay, I’ll take that as a maybe. Catch ya’ later!”
Dash hurried back to where AJ was chuckling, watching the scene.
“Well now, that sure looked like fun,” Applejack said with a smirk.
“Shut up. I didn’t want to hang out with her anyway.”
“‘Course not. You wanted to keep me company.”
“Pfft! No way! You’re gonna be on your own, cowpony.”
Fluttershy smiled sympathetically at Applejack. “Um... I’ll stay with you. I don’t mind... I wasn’t going to drink anyway.”
“That’s just fine with me, Fluttershy. You’re a lot better company than Dash, right now.”
“I bet Cheerilee doesn't think so,” Dash said with a smirk, catching sight of the teacher across town square.
“Cheerilee doesn't think what?” Twilight asked, walking up to the group with Rarity.
Applejack rolled her eyes. “Rainbow Dash seems to think Cheerilee's lookin' for a drunk idiot to spend the night with, so she's gonna volunteer.”
“She—she is?” Twilight asked, eyes wide.
“See you guys later!” Dash said, taking off before Twilight could respond.
Dash landed in front of Cheerilee and gave a sly smile.“Hey, Cheerilee, how about some private lessons? We could start off with social studies, and move on to anatomy later.”
“Um, I'll pass.” Cheerilee smirked. “I hand out enough failing grades every day.”
“Then maybe you’ll have to keep me after school?”
“Or maybe I’ll have to write a note to your parents.” Cheerilee rolled her eyes. “Grow up, Rainbow Dash.”
“Whatever. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” Dash said, taking off before Cheerilee could respond.
Dash frowned as she flew back to her friends. She looked awesome, she was an amazing flyer, and it was a night for partying. Finding a hot pony should not have been this hard.
As Dash landed, Twilight almost pounced her.
“What happened? What did you say? What did she say?” Twilight looked around to see all of her friends looking at her. She backed off and smiled sheepishly. “I mean, um, how did it go?”
“She’s...” Dash glanced at AJ’s knowing smirk. “She’s going to talk to me later.”
“Really?” Twilight asked, her face falling.
“Yup, and she’s gonna say no again, when she does,” Applejack added.
“That won’t even matter. I’ll already be hooked up by then,” Dash said, narrowing her eyes at AJ and taking another drink from her bottle.
“You ain’t even gonna be standin’ by then.”
“I know. I’m gonna be laying down. Under somepony... or two someponies,” Dash said, noticing Lyra and Bon Bon walking together. She knew they were dating each other, but what better way to ring in the New Year than getting a little wild? “Catch ya’ later, guys.”
This time, Dash landed a few feet behind the couple. She trotted a little to catch up with them, pushing her way between them and draping a wing over each pony’s back.
“Lyra, Bon Bon! I was wondering if you girls wanted some company tonight?”
“No, Rainbow Dash,” Bon Bon said, dryly.
“Are you sure? Come on, a unicorn, an earth pony, and a pegasus... we could reenact the first Hearth's Warming. But with sex,” Dash suggested with a grin. “Gotta keep those fires burning.”
Bon Bon and Lyra looked at each other, then turned around in unison and walked away, leaving Dash with her wings out awkwardly.
She quickly spun around and called to the couple, “Come on, do it for Equestria!” but they continued to ignore her.
Spinning quickly might not have been the best idea, because Dash found that the area kept on spinning a little after she was pretty sure she’d stopped. With a sigh she took off and started to fly back to her friends, just barely missing a lamppost that seemed to jump out of nowhere.
As she landed, she glared at Applejack. “Don’t say anything.”
But Applejack was just looking concerned, as was Fluttershy.
“Rainbow Dash... um, maybe you shouldn’t fly anymore tonight?” Fluttershy suggested.
“What do you mean?”
“She means, how much’a that bottle have ya’ been through?”
“Some of it.” Dash shook the bottle. “Most of it. But Pinkie had some! I’m still fine, guys.”
Fluttershy and Applejack exchanged looks.
“I’ll stop drinking. Soon as I find a hot pony.” Dash scanned the crowd. There were more ponies here now, but for some reason it was hard to pick out just one. They were kind of blurring together. Then she had an awesome idea.
She turned to her friend with a seductive grin. “Say, Applejack. AJ. Apples. Wanna make me stop drinking?”
Applejack leveled a stare at her. “Dash, with the way you been actin', Tartarus would have to freeze over, the cows would have to grow wings, and Princess Celestia would have to turn the sun into a giant apple before I'd do anythin' with ya'.”
“I'm not following,” Dash said, blankly.
“No!” Applejack shouted.
“Okay. Got that.” Dash took another swig, more annoyed than ever. Applejack was a long shot, but it was looking increasingly like Dash would be leaving the party alone tonight.
“You're missing out, ya' know,” Dash informed AJ. “All those ponies are missing out!” her voice rose, to make sure her other failed conquests got the message. “Hear that?! Tonight's the night you missed out on the best lay in Equestria!”
***
“... I don't remember much between that and the fireworks. But Rarity and AJ and Fluttershy weren’t drinking as much, you could ask them!”
I just blink at her smiling face. That can’t be right. I can’t have struck out, especially looking like such a loser. Besides, I woke up with AJ. That wouldn’t have happened if she turned me down like that.
Unless we didn’t have sex. But then why did I wake up in her bed, sore all over?
“You’re sure that’s what happened?” I ask. Maybe this is a prank.
"Yup! Surely sure! 'Cause I didn't get a bottle for myself until I helped Vinyl Scratch set up her stuff, right after that. I always help her, and she always gives me a bottle of something, and we've been friends for years but you know I never remember hearing her music?"
“Huh. Okay, well, I guess I’ll have to ask somepony else for the rest. Do you wanna come and find out what you did, too? They can tell us at the same time.”
Pinkie just grins. “Nah, it’s more fun to make it up!”
I shrug. It’s Pinkie. “Okay, then. Seeya later.”
I leave Sugarcube Corner, and head through Ponyville, hoping the night wasn’t as bad as Pinkie made it sound. On my way through town, I spot Lyra and Bon Bon and give them a friendly wave.
They just glare at me. I guess Pinkie was right. I smile a little, figuring the night probably couldn’t have gotten any worse than that, especially since it ended in AJ’s bed.
The Carousel Boutique looks like a good next stop, since I’m walking past it. I’m awesome at making decisions like that. I walk inside, and Rarity barely looks up.
“Have you come to apologize?”
I stop, and my eyes go wide. “Maybe? I'm not really sure what I'm apologizing for. Did I hit on you?”
She gives me this look that could kill a houseplant. “Of course you don't remember. Allowing yourself to be in that state, in public... I am shocked, Rainbow Dash. Utterly shocked.”
That sounds like a bad thing. But, maybe not. Shocking Rarity isn't all that hard. I can think of a million cool things I could do that might shock Rarity, and hopefully last night some of them involved AJ.
“Um, is it shocking enough that you wanna let me in on it? I really don't remember anything.”
Rarity sighs. “Fine. Well, you were intoxicated all evening, but your truly offensive behavior started when you tried to claim to be the best dancer in Equestria...”
***
“Know what else I'm the best at guys?”Rainbow Dash said, a grin growing on her face. Nopony seemed to be looking at her, they were all watching Pinkie tear up the pavement to the beats coming from the DJ’s booth. Dash tried again,“Hey guys, know what I'm the best at? Dancing!”
“I don't know...” Fluttershy said, “Pinkie's a very good dancer.”
“Yeah, but I'm the best!” Dash said, glaring at Fluttershy, who cringed back.
“Is that a challenge?” Pinkie said, looking up and grinning. Then she took a long swig from her bottle. “Well, it's not really a challenge I guess. It's actually just a boast, but if you're gonna boast about something like that it's kind of a challenge because other ponies might think they're the best dancers, and they'll want to do something so that everypony will know who the best dancer is, like a dance off, which would be fun, especially since the whole world is kind of woozy now, so it already feels like I'm dancing, so dancing would be like double dancing!”
“Huh?” Dash said, brow creased from the effort of following Pinkie’s train of thought at a time when flapping both wings together would have taken concentration.
Pinkie just kept grinning. “You're on, fly girl!”
Dash nodded, grinning back. “Let's do this!”
The two ponies started to dance. Pinkie closed her eyes and started bouncing to the beat, then reared up on her hind legs as her eyes opened. Her flanks kept moving in rhythm, as her body seemed to flow to the melody, spinning and shimmying, even jumping into the air at spikes in the song. It looked like she was part of the music, just letting it travel through her body.
Rainbow Dash was not part of the music. Despite her normal grace in the air, she felt awkward on the dance floor, like the beat of the music kept changing by tiny amounts so that she was never quite in time. Her body didn’t seem to want to listen to her brain when she tried to fix it, so a quick flap into the air to get her rhythm back nearly took out Rarity, and what was supposed to be a graceful spin on her rear legs got them tangled up, and she landed hard on her tail.
Fluttershy rushed over to her. “Are you okay?”
Dash blinked and closed her eyes. The feeling of being in motion continued. “The world is still spinning.”
She heard Twilight answer, “Well, technically, the world is always—
“You think you're so smart, Twilight Sparkle!” Dash opened her eyes and glared at Twilight. “I'm smart, too!”
“Um, I know Dash,” Twilight said, blushing. “I don't actually—”
Dash climbed to her hooves and moved towards Twilight as her friends stared at her in confusion. “I can name aaaaall the Daring Do books. How about that, Twilight? Huh? How about that?!”
“Um, that's great, Dash.” Twilight smiled. “Not very useful, but—”
“I'm smarter than you! ‘Cause I can name all the Doing Dare books. I'll prove it,” Dash said with a proud smirk.
“Dash, that's really not—” Twilight started.
Dash paid no attention to the unicorn.“There's Daring Do and the Sapphire Stone, and Daring Do and the Griffon's Goblet, Daring Do and the Dragons of Despair, Daring Do and the Search for the Sunsword, Daring Do and the Temple of Elemental Evil, Daring Do and the Team of Horrors—”
“Tomb, Dash,” Twilight corrected.
“That's what I said!” Dash insisted. “Daring Do and the— the— Spoon of Turning.”
“Um, Dash?” Twilight interrupted gently. “That isn't a book.”
“Is too!”
“It isn't, Dash. You made that up.”
Dash glared at Twilight, realizing that she was right. “Anyway. Hey Fluttershy, did you know I'm awesome with animals? I'm totally the best at animal stuff.”
Fluttershy blushed and shrunk back, though Applejack and Rarity both arched an eyebrow at Dash.
“Um... that's nice, Rainbow. I'm sure you're better than me.”
“I am!” Dash crowed happily. “Totally the best. Lemme show you.”
Applejack considered the likely outcomes and said cautiously, “Dash, I ain't sure that's such a—”
“I need an animal,” Dash announced.
“Gummy is an animal!” Pinkie said, pulling the small alligator, dressed in top hat and tails, from her mane.
“Perfect!” Dash took Gummy from his owner and set him on the ground. She looked at him and pointed with her hoof. “Gummy! Gummy... stand there and look creepy!”
Gummy blinked one eye, then the other, which Dash figured was sufficiently creepy to make her point.
Pinkie clapped and cheered, but Dash looked up at the unimpressed faces the rest of her friends. Clearly she had to step up her game. “Okay, okay, now, Gummy, roll over.”
Gummy sat there. He did blink again, though.
“Roll over, Gummy,” Dash tried again.
Gummy wagged his tail, but failed to do anything that could be considered rolling over, by any stretch of the imagination.
“Gummy... I said... roll over.” Dash tried to nudge him, to give him the idea, and his mouth attached around her snout. She shook her head a few times, but he didn't come off.
“O-ay. Gmmy, b'te mih dose. Goo' allga'or.”
Pinkie pulled him off Dash with a pop. “That was amazing! He doesn’t usually listen to ponies like that, you know!”
“See?” Dash said proudly. “Best at animals.”
“Um, yeah Dash. We all see,” Applejack said dryly.
Dash frowned, clearly nopony but Pinkie was impressed. She glared at AJ. “You guys are just upset ‘cause we both know I’m faster than you, and I always look better than Rarity.”
***
“... It was at that point that I left,” Rarity finishes with a huff. “You obviously were planning to make a fool out of yourself for the rest of the evening. I rejoined the girls about an hour later, but you and Applejack had departed by then.”
“Oh.” I blink. I was a total jerk. I can’t be a jerk. Being a jerk isn’t cool. There has to be something I can say, so she doesn’t think I’m a jerk. I could tell her I was... I was just trying to take an interest in what my friends do! Showing them I care. By acting like a jerk. Okay, that’s not going to work. How about, “Uh, I—I'm sorry.”
“Apology accepted,” she chirps, then she looks at me like I’m a foal. “Just please try to limit the amount you drink in the future?”
“I will,” I say. “I mean, I can usually handle it. I'm really awesome at holding my liquor, I'm the best party in Equestria when I'm drunk!”
She just keeps looking at me.
I kind of blush. “I mean, usually.”
She just looks harder, and I start backing out the door.
“I'm... gonna go find out what happened after you left.”
Once I’m outside, and safe from Rarity’s looking, I decide that Fluttershy is the best bet for where I should head next. I’m pretty sure next time I see Twilight, I’m getting a lecture that’ll last ‘til next week.
So I fly over to Fluttershy’s cottage, wondering what could have gotten me from being a jerk to waking up in AJ’s bed. By now I have to admit there’s no chance it was sex. Even I wouldn’t have sex with a pony who was acting like I was.
So why did I go home with her, and not Fluttershy or Twilight? Did I ask her? Was I trying to hit on her again? Why wouldn’t she tell me?
I knock on the door to Fluttershy’s cottage. Now that I know there are no juicy details, Fluttershy will be able to tell me everything that happened until me and AJ left.
Fluttershy opens the door and smiles. “Oh, Rainbow, you’re safe! How are you feeling? Does anything hurt? Would you like some heat, I have a hot water bottle I can fill—”
“I’m fine, Fluttershy. Really. I was a little sore this morning, but... I can’t really remember why. Maybe you can help me out?”
“Applejack didn’t tell you?” Fluttershy steps aside, and I fly in and sit on her couch.
“She said I didn’t want to know.”
“Oh. Well... she’s probably right,” Fluttershy says, sitting on the other side of the sofa.
“No, I really wanna know. Look, I know I acted like a jerk. But I really want to know how I got to Sweet Apple Acres.”
“Okay.” She nods and takes a breath. “Rarity and Twilight left, and a little while after that Thunderlane walked over to you...”
***
“Hey, Rainbow Dash!” Thunderlane smiled as he walked up to Dash. “I wanted to tell you, I managed to do a triple cloudspin roll the other day!”
“Yeah?” Dash smirked. “Big deal, I can do a quadruple cloudspin.”
“Sure you can,” Thunderlane said with a laugh.
“I can!”Dash insisted.
“Hey, you're a great flyer but—”
Applejack cut in, just catching onto the conversation, “Thunderlane, this really ain't the time.”
“But nothing!” Dash yelled, glaring at both Applejack and Thunderlane. “I can do it and I'm gonna prove it!”
“No way, Dash, this ain't safe,” Applejack said, trying to stand in front of her as the pegasus stomped toward the park. But Dash just rose shakily into the air, flying over her friend’s head and nearly knocking off her hat.
“You're gonna break your fool neck if ya' try to fly like this!” Applejack called, running after Dash, Fluttershy hurrying right behind.
“Don't worry, guys, I'm the best flyer!” Dash called back, nearly veering into a tree. “Got a crown and everything!”
This did nothing to reassure her friends as Dash gathered four clouds, hastily setting them in place. Then she backed up into a treetop.
After taking a few moments to untangle herself, she flew towards the first cloud at top speed. Her wings automatically went into the loop around the cloud, but halfway through the first spin the sky started spinning in the other direction too. Then there was her stomach, which seemed to be spinning in a completely different direction, as a whole bottle of alcohol threatened to make a return trip. She reached a hoof up to stop herself from throwing up, but completely forgot that she was in the middle of tumbling through the sky at dangerous speeds.
This clicked when she saw the ground approaching fast. She realized that she’d completely lost the trick, and she tried to adjust to make a landing. But her wings were seconds too late, and she felt her whole body slam into the ground, pain shooting everywhere.
Her body hurt, but luckily not in a hospital kind of way. Something cold and wet seemed to have cushioned her fall. Her eyes adjusted, to find she was laying in a mud puddle, and dirt now covered most of her body and caked her feathers.
“Oh my! Rainbow, are you okay?” Fluttershy cried out, as she and Applejack approached the crash site.
“Yeah. Just—” Dash held up a hoof and turned to the side, finally losing the contents of her stomach in the grass next to the puddle. The feeling of relief that followed made her lie back, heedless of the mud.
“Is anythin' broken?” Applejack asked, hesitating before reaching out a hoof in an offer to help Dash up.
“Don't think so. Gimme a minute, I'll try again.” Dash ignored the helping hoof and just looked up at the sky. Lying there felt nice.
Applejack looked at her and sighed. “Like hay you will. It's time for you to go home, Sugarcube.”
“But the party hasn't even started! It's not midnight!” Dash said from the ground.
Thunderlane arrived on the scene, looking worried. “Sheesh, Rainbow Dash, you didn't have to hurt yourself.”
“I didn't! I totally meant to do that. It was just a practice thingy. I'm gonna do it for real now.” Dash tried to sit up and flinched. At the same time the hoof supporting her slipped and she fell back to the ground. Her wings flapped uselessly, covered in thick mud.
“Thunderlane, could ya' help me get her on my back?” Applejack said. The stallion flew into the air and grabbed Dash around the torso, lifting her onto AJ’s back.
Dash struggled. “Wait! What are you—where are we going?” She tried to dislodge herself from AJ’s back, but none of her limbs seemed to want to cooperate, and it hurt to try any of them too hard. All that her helpless flailing accomplished was to smear mud into AJ’s coat.
Applejack shifted, making sure that Dash was on securely. “You're comin' home with me. You had your share of party.”
“We'll miss midnight!” Dash protested.
“Midnight's gonna be safer if you're home in bed,” Applejack said, starting towards Sweet Apple Acres. “Fluttershy? Could ya' tell Mac to keep an eye on Apple Bloom? Looks like I'm spendin' the evenin' at home.”
“Of course, Applejack. Keep her safe,” Fluttershy said, flying off towards town square in search of Big Macintosh.
“Will do,” Applejack called back as they parted ways.
“Put me down!” Dash shouted, no longer squirming now that Applejack was in motion. “I'm not going home! There's more party! AJ, wrong direction. You're walking away from the party. Applejaaaack...”
***
“... I'm sure that Applejack took care of you. It looks like you've had a shower.”
“Yeah,” I say. But I'm kind of starting to panic. I was a jerk and a loser. Applejack actually missed the fireworks so she could carry my sorry, muddy tail back to Sweet Apple Acres, make me take a shower, and put me to bed. I managed to ruin my New Year’s, and hers too.
Plus, that's a lot of time where me and AJ were alone, and my track record for being a good friend last night was less than awesome. AJ didn't seem to be mad at me this morning, even when I insisted we had sex. But she also wouldn't tell me what I did.
“You’re really feeling better?”
“Yeah,” I say again, then I realize what she’s asking. “I mean, yeah! I’ve crashed before. I’m totally fine.” At least I can convince Fluttershy that it wasn’t that big a deal.
“Good.” Fluttershy nods. Then she hesitates, and says, “You know, you really shouldn’t fly when you drink. Don’t you remember all of those films from flight school?”
I sigh. “I know. Drink, dive, die and all that. I’m sorry I scared you. And I’m sorry I acted like a jerk before that.”
Fluttershy smiles and gives me a hug. “That’s okay. Just... maybe don’t fly next time you’ve had alcohol?”
“Promise.” I hug her back. When we let go, I think about AJ again. My ears droop, and I sigh. “I’ve gotta go, Fluttershy. There’s somepony I owe a really big apology.”
“Okay. Be safe!”
I nod and leave her house, taking off towards Sweet Apple Acres.
My ears are still down. I keep thinking of awful stuff I could’ve said or done to AJ while she was trying to help me. Maybe I tried to hit on her again, or even touched her. I decide that probably didn’t happen because I don’t have a black eye. But I could have said anything, about her, about her family. I wish she’d left me in that puddle, where I belonged. I should’ve woken up with other ponies laughing at me. That’s what losers like me deserve, not a warm bed and breakfast and somepony to take care of them.
I find AJ in the orchard, checking on the trees. They don’t have leaves or fruit right now, but I guess she’s making sure they still have... um, bark? Really, I don’t know what she’s looking at. I land next to her and just stand there a minute, because I have no idea how to start.
“Did somepony tell ya' what happened last night?” she says, just as calm as usual.
“Uh, yeah.” I look down at the grass. “At least until you carried me home.”
“Well, that's good,” she says.
I hesitate. She said this morning that I didn’t wanna know what I did last night, and she was kind of right. The problem is that I need to know, so I know how much I owe my friends. So that I can make it up to them and be the best friend they could want. That goes double for AJ. So I take a deep breath and ask, “What happened after that?”
“Nothin', Dash.” She sighs, a little annoyed. “I told ya', we didn't—”
“I didn't mean that!” I say really fast, blushing. “I mean, I know you didn't have sex with me. You'd never have sex with a pony who acted like I did, and I'm just lucky you guys didn't let me sleep it off in that mud puddle. But you brought me home, and got me to bed. And... I don't know what I said or did then. You have to tell me. Was I a total jerk to the pony who was trying to take care of me when I totally didn't deserve it?”
I bite my lip, and it takes her a few seconds of thinking before says, “You weren't a jerk, sugarcube. Not exactly.”
“Then please tell me what happened?” I ask, a lot softer than normal, because I guess I’m scared of the answer. Because every time I ask that question today, I find out more ways I’m a bad friend and a bad pony who’s never gonna make it up to the cool ponies who hang around me. But if I’m gonna try to be the best friend I can be, I have to know.
“Well, the whole way home, ya' whined 'bout wantin' to go back to the party.” She smiles a little. “Lucky for you I got a lil' sister, so I can take a lot of whinin'. But once we got to the farm, and ya' figured we weren't goin' back, you... kinda changed.”
“Changed how?”
She looks down. “Well...”
***
“I can walk, AJ,” Dash said, still laying across AJ's back as she climbed the stairs.
“I know. But it’ll be faster this way,” she said, reaching the top and heading into the bathroom. She carefully slid Dash off her back and into the shower.
“I can walk, and I can fly, and I can do stuff,” Dash added, leaning against the wall of the shower to keep from falling over.
AJ sighed and turned on the water. “I know, sugarcube.”
The water ran over the pegasus, washing the mud off. Dash shook her head, spraying dirty water all over the bathroom. “No, really, I’m good at stuff. I’m the best!”
“You’ve mentioned that a few times.” Applejack rolled her eyes and started washing off her own coat, where Dash had been laying.
“The best. I’m totally the best. You should see me... do stuff.”
“Yeah. Bet that’s neat,” Applejack said, not really paying attention.
“You’re not impressed.” Dash sighed, sliding down the wall of the shower to sit on the floor. “Nopony’s ever impressed! That’s what’s wrong with you earth ponies.”
Applejack narrowed her eyes. “What did you just say?”
“You’re never impressed. Don’t get how important winning is.” She looked up at AJ shakily, water streaming down her face. “It’s everything.”
AJ just shook her head. “Dash, I get wrapped up in winnin’ too, but that don’t mean—”
“No, no, you don’t get it. It’s everything. In Cloudsdale, everything is a contest. And if you aren’t trying to be the best, you’re... not a pegasus. Every pegasus wants to be the best.”
“Fluttershy don’t wanna be the best,” Applejack pointed out, turning off the water once Dash’s mud-brown coat was blue again.
“Fluttershy isn’t a pegasus. She’s... an earth pony with wings.” Dash’s brain realized what her mouth was saying, and she added quickly,“Uh, don’t ever tell her I said that. Anyway, you’re a pegasus, AJ. Sort of. You want to be the best. ‘Cept you’re not a pegasus ‘cause you don’t always wanna be the best.”
Applejack toweled off the wet pegasus. “And here I thought that not havin’ wings had somethin’ to do with it.”
“Yeah...” Dash nodded as AJ dried her mane. “Gotta have the best wings. Best flying. Best wingpower. But that’s not enough. Never enough. Gotta look awesome. Gotta be tough. Gotta be fun, and good in bed, and gotta be able to hold your... your...”
“Liquor?” Applejack suggested with a hint of a smirk, which Dash didn’t notice.
“Yeah. That. And I can do it all, Applejack. I’m. The. Best.”
“Uh-huh,” Applejack said, letting Dash lean against her as she lead the pegasus to her room.
“And ya’ know what?” Dash went on as AJ gave her a shove into bed, “I hate it! But I love it. But I hate it, too. ‘Cause I know it makes me a jerk, just like all the other jerks who laughed at me when I wasn’t the best. When I was in my very first race, and I tripped and crashed into the clouds, and they all laughed at me!” Tears welled up in Dash’s eyes, and in her drunken state she didn’t fight them, scrunching up her face as they ran down her cheeks.
Applejack climbed into bed next to her and wrapped a foreleg around her. The warmth and strength of her friend’s leg just made it worse, and Dash grabbed onto her and started to sob on her coat.
“I came in last!” Dash wailed between sobs. “Worst! Not just a loser, the worst loser, and those jerks let me know it!”
“Shh, it’s okay, sugarcube. You ain’t a loser.”
“They called me Rainbow Crash!” Dash let go of AJ and yelled at the ceiling, “Well, who’s laughing now, jerks! Just gotta be the best, then you get to laugh. Then you get to be a jerk. Like me. Like getting mad at Pinkie and Fluttershy all the time, and cheating, and didn’t even want my own turtle... not the best.”
“Ya’ mean Tank? He’s a tortoise, Dash.”
“Yeah, Tank,” Dash said, relaxing back into the pillows. “Tank’s cool. Like you. Wish I was a turtle. Wish I was an earth pony. Then I could just be... like, cool. Like you. Cool, and not the best at everything. Nopony would care if I was the best at everything, if I was an earth turtle.”
Applejack tucked the covers in around her.
“I could have a... a sherbert stand. Rainbow’s Rainbow Sherbert! Get it? Rainbow’s Rainbow Rainbow Rainbow...” Dash giggled uncontrollably for a minute. “Celestia, I sound like Pinkie. I’m drunk, AJ.“
“Ya’ don’t say? You need to go to sleep, Sugarcube,” Applejack said, patting Dash’s shoulder.
“’Kay. Just... don’t tell on me for drunk?” Dash looked up, pleading. “‘Cause I’m the best. I can hold aaaall the liquor.”
“I promise. You just keep on bein’ the best, and sleep this off.”
“You’re cool, AJ. Cool AJ. Cool like a turtle,” Dash mumbled as she went to sleep.
***
“... so then I went and got the mud cleaned outta the bathroom and went to bed.”
I just stare at her... okay, that was uncool. I really got sloppy drunk, kind of insulted a few of my friends, cried on AJ about a race I lost before I had my cutie mark, wished I was an earth pony, and passed out.
I try to think of something awesome to say to AJ, something so she knows that it was all a joke, that I’d never be that much of a loser. Come on, Rainbow, anything! A wisecrack, or something to distract her...
But I can’t think of anything, ‘cause AJ is just looking down, and says, “Sorry, Dash. I wasn’t gonna say anythin’, but you dragged it outta me.”
And she really looks sorry. Not sorry for me, sorry that she had to tell me, and make me feel like a loser. And I feel bad, because I’m the one who was a loser, and my friend shouldn’t feel bad just for telling me how I acted.
“No way. I’m sorry. For acting like that, and stuff. I, um, might not be exactly the best at holding my liquor. But I guess you know that.”
“That don’t matter, sugarcube.”
“And, um, I never said stuff like that to anypony before.”
AJ just nods. And I just stare at her some more. ‘Cause she knows. She knows all that stuff I said, that I never told anypony. But it’s stuff I thought about, that bothers me, especially when nopony else is around. That’s the only time I think about it, because nopony else can know.
... except Applejack.
“What if... I kinda meant some of it?” I hear my voice squeak. I wish it wouldn’t do that.
“Well if ya’ really wanna open a sherbert stand—” Applejack gives me a little, teasing smile.
“Not that part!” I smile back. Then I look up at the sky and sigh. “Just, it’s hard. Sometimes. Like I have to be the best, I have to want to be the best, or... I don't know. Ponies will laugh at me. Ponies will think I’m not good enough. And I can’t tell anypony that I might not be good enough. I can’t let anypony think it. I can’t think it.”
“Ya’ carry a load on your back, Dash. Maybe ya’ outghta start layin’ some down,” Applejack says, leaning against me. She doesn’t do anything like hug me or nuzzle me, because she’s cool like that and she probably knows I don’t wanna get all touchy-feely about this.
But she does smile at me as she goes on, “Like, maybe ya’ can’t hold your liquor, and ya’ struck out and had a lousy time this New Years. Ya’ weren’t at your best, and that’s just fine. Nopony is gonna laugh at ya’.”
“You could,” I say, quiet.
She looks me in the eye. “Do I look like I’m laughin’?”
“No... you’re not.” I smile a little.
“There ya’ go. You’re not the best and nothin’ that bad happened.”
“Thanks, AJ. You’re a great friend. You’re the best.” I’m totally serious, she has to know this. AJ is the best. She’s seen me at my worst, and I told her all my secrets, and she’s not laughing at me. She’s not being a jerk. And she’s not even scolding me or telling me what an idiot I was. She’s just... cool. No problem, Dash, sometimes ponies mess up. I wish I could be the best like that. AJ is cooler than I ever thought anypony could be.
“Let’s not worry ‘bout who’s the best for a while,” she says with a smile. “Ya’ skipped breakfast. How ‘bout if I go rustle us up somethin’ for lunch? Then maybe we can kick a hoofball around for a bit.”
I want to hug her, and thank her just for being her. But that wouldn’t be cool. So I just smile and say, “Sounds awesome.”
But as we walk into the house, I walk a little closer to her. ‘Cause she’s a pony I want to stick with. Even when I’m not the best, and I guess sometimes I’m really not the best, I know she’ll stick with me.
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Wow. That first chapter was just... wow. Amazing. HILARIOUS! BRAVO!
I've read some pretty entertaining dialog in my time, but the 8,000 words I just absorbed COMPLETELY floored me - maybe it's because I can't hold my liquor either, or that I somehow think the best of events I can't recall for being a stinking drunk? Regardless either way, this was an exceptionally fun read and I ADORED the mature characterization! Oh, if only more comedies could dare to be as rewarding! Expertly done, expertly done.
I totally rolled on the floor laughing my ass off at that point in the read! GOOD GRAVY! Mind, the entirety of this absurd bit of slapstick struck a very happy chord in me; here remains a suave and inviting glimpse into the possibility of a BELIEVABLE adult situation in ponydom.
Of course, in my headcanon, this all remains a foregone conclusion - Appledash rules.
2125493
Truer words have never been spoken!
But yes. Drunk Dash letting loose of some of her burdens... and what better pony to do so with.
2125496
Wait... don't tell me you're an Appledash fan too!?
You'd think it's the only ship that made sense or something! WEIRD.
Bwahahaha awesome stuff.
Oh, Dash, why must you go and make a fool of yourself...for the lulz, of course.
Another masterpiece from bookplayer, exploring the mind of Rainbow Dash. What more could I want?
This is just a testament to Bookplayer's skill. There was nothing I didn't like about this chapter - it was simply marvelous.
This was amazing, I really, REALLY loved it. Can't say I kinda wanted the ending to be a bit more shippy, I don't know... that Rainbow said AJ she loved her when she was drunk at night, or just before going to eat lunch, still awesome.
This was a cute little story. Poor Applejack, having to deal with Rainbow Dash instead of having fun.