Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Surpassed all expectations yet again. They can’t possibly deny her full membership, not now, not after that display. The meeting should be naught but a mere formality. After that, we turn our eyes, all of us, together, onto greater things.
A million possibilities ranged through the delighted Aucune’s mind as he trotted almost merrily through the dimly lit corridor. Night had fallen, and most of the castle’s residents had retired for the night to their chambers and cells. Besides the clip-clop of Aucune’s hooves, it was quiet as the grave. The silence might’ve generated uneasiness in most, but not Aucune; after all, this was his home. On top of that, he was feeling far happier than he had in some time, at least compared to his normal disposition, which generally fluctuated from steely cynicism to sober stoicism.
Hard to believe it’s all coming together, but it is, it truly is. Life’s certainly thrown its fair share of wrenches my way, but now, for once, everything’s going to be just as it should be.
Slow down, you mustn’t get ahead of yourself, you’re not there yet. Still, I can’t deny this is a gigantic step. None can. The ramifications of what she achieved… I can’t even begin to imagine where her potential ends. The sky’s simply the limit with her! Surely they must see that; it’s clear as day to me.
Coming to the end of the corridor, Aucune entered into a small sideroom, shutting the thick door behind him and fastening a latch inside. On the surface there wasn’t anything particularly noteworthy about the room; to the casual onlooker it was just a tiny, out-of-the-way space. It was exceptional, however, in that it was built with one purpose in mind: privacy. It was one of the few rooms in the whole keep with a lock, and there were no other nearby rooms in the vicinity by which nosy parties might listen in on conversations through the walls. The door itself was four inches thick and made of solid oak, with no cracks or crannies to speak of. Whatever was spoken here would not be heard outside of this room.
Inside was nothing more than a small, hardwood table, around which sat six of Aucune’s colleagues: Brawny Charger, Fiery Zephyr, Lightning Flicker, Storm Spirit, Charming Masquerade, and-
“And just what do you think you’re doing in my seat, Bitter Sweet?” Aucune sharply asked.
“Don’t you mean Dämons Hengst?” Storm Spirit countered, chuckling to herself. A few tensed up at her jape, but Aucune didn’t seem bothered by it.
“I just don’t see any point in us carrying on with this ruse in such a private setting. It’s quite needless, really,” Aucune explained. He sounded almost jovial, but there was a distinct edge to his voice that did not escape any in the room. All eyes fixed on him, Aucune strode over to the black unicorn sitting at the head of the table till he was standing directly beside him.
“I assumed Brother Bitter would’ve likewise recognized the needlessness for this charade here,” he continued, staring down at the unicorn as he spoke, eyes narrowed. “Unless, of course, you’ve been playing this role for so long that you’ve simply forgotten who the real Demon’s Stallion is.”
Finally turning to face his piercing gaze, the older unicorn looked up at Aucune and smiled.
“My apologies, sir. The appropriate formality must’ve slipped my mind. You know how old minds get; sometimes it’s as though everything goes over our heads.” The others chortled halfheartedly and Bitter Sweet tried to get out of his seat, but Aucune abruptly placed a hoof on his shoulder. Bending down to his level, his face mere inches away from Bitter’s, he whispered,
“Say it to me: who are you?”
Staring back at him with a hard look of his own, the elder slowly answered in a low voice, “I’m Bitter Sweet.”
“And who am I?” Aucune asked.
“You’re Dämons Hengst.”
“Very good. You may take your seat now.”
Releasing his grip, the true Dämons Hengst remained standing until Bitter Sweet and the rest of his subordinates had shifted and settled into new seats. After surveying them all for a moment, giving particular attention to Bitter Sweet, he finally sat down at the head of the table.
Presumptuous codger. You knew exactly what you were doing. Best keep an eye on that.
Taking note of the tension that now hung in the air, Dämons tried to allay his subordinates’ unease by switching topics.
“How are you faring Brawny? I hope Miss Hooves didn’t rough you up too much,” he said, chuckling softly. A few laughed quietly along with him at the ribbing, including Brawny.
“Nah, don’t worry about me sir, I’m fine. Only thing Derpy hurt was my pride, is all,” Brawny reassured him, though one certainly couldn’t blame Dämons for asking given the former’s appearance. Two already prominent black and blue bruises protruded beneath each of Brawny’s eyes, and bandages lined his battered, somewhat crooked nose and muzzle; at first glance, one might’ve thought he’d just been waylaid by some wild animal. Whether he was just downplaying the extent of his injuries, or they were merely superficial and simply looked worse than they were, Dämons could not say with certainty.
“Very good, though rest assured there’s no shame in losing to one such as she,” Dämons said.
“Best watch yourself, though, runt; I gotta work with that lumbering oaf Tiny Taste for a whole month because you couldn’t take down a pony half your size. You’ll be lucky if I don’t hurt more than your pride after costing me that bet!” Storm Spirit jokingly threatened her former student.
“Aw c’mon Storm, it’s not like he told you to bet on him or anything. You were practically begging the whole crowd for a wager, we all saw it,” Fiery Zephyr retorted.
“Plus I did advise you against gambling at all in the first place,” Lightning Flicker reminded her.
“What are you, my mother?” Storm asked in mock disbelief. “Layoff, all of ya, I didn’t say I’m not going to honor my bet; I am a mare of my word.”
“If nothing else,” Charming Masquerade added. Almost everyone in the room burst into fits of laughter at that, and even Charming cracked a grin at his rare wisecrack.
“Alright, alright, settle down,” Dämons beseeched his colleagues. “I think we can all agree that Storm here doesn’t always think through her actions as thoroughly as she should. That said, let’s get down to business. In light of her success in today’s bout, I’d like for us to review Derpy Hooves’ progress to date since she joined us. Brother Brawny, if you would, please share your thoughts on Miss Hooves.”
“Derpy? Well, I’ve liked everything I’ve seen from her, that’s for sure. She’s a hard worker, consistent in both her perseverance and rate of progression. No matter what I throw at her in our workouts, she always manages to slog her way through it. And as for her combat skills, well, I learned firsthoof today just where exactly she’s at in that regard. All in all, Derpy’s in peak physical form for a pegasus of her age and size, no doubt about that.”
“Speaking of her physical fitness as a fellow pegasus, might I just add that Derpy’s grown into a hell of a flier,” Fiery chimed in. “She’s not the fastest I’ve ever seen, but she’s got fantastic control and agility. Perfect for combat and rapid movements both on land and in open air.”
“Duly noted,” Dämons said. “Has she displayed any problematic ineptitude in her motor skills during her time with you?”
Brawny shook his head. “Nope, none of the nature that you mentioned she exhibited during Innere Eroberung. As far as I can tell, Derpy’s got total control over all her physical faculties.”
“Excellent. I think that about covers her basic physical fitness, so let’s segue from there into her skill in the martial arts. In the past year, Miss Hooves has undertaken studies in the martial arts of katrote, Krav Pega, and Wing Chun, taught by myself, Fiery Zephyr, and Storm Spirit, respectfully. She has also studied unconventional warfare and espionage in her ninjutsu studies under the tutelage of Charming Masquerade, but we’ll cover those studies separately.” Dämons took a sip of water from a nearby cup before he continued, clearing his throat.
“That’s better. Now to start, I want to thank you all for going along with this little of experiment of mine and maintaining discretion throughout. To date, Miss Hooves remains unaware of the extraordinary nature of her training regimen, and I’d like to keep it that way, at least for a little while longer. I know training a student in so many disciplines simultaneously has not been easy for any of you, and struck some of you as foolhardy when I first proposed it, but as I told you before, the scope of her potential was too great to pass this opportunity up, and I believe that now it’s safe to say that our gambit is starting to pay off. So again, thank you all for your trust and commitment to this course.”
“Since I began tutoring Miss Hooves in katrote, she has progressed in the last year to a level of skill that normally one would not see a student achieve in no less than five years, sometimes as many as ten. This while simultaneously being tutored in two other martial arts. Fiery, Storm, what about you?”
“I’d say she’s advanced about the same in her Wing Chun,” Storm divulged. “I even said as much before the kampfduell today: she’s at least at the same level in that art alone that Brawny was after five years of study and practice, and till now he’s the finest student I’ve ever taught in that art.”
“I’ve seen much the same in our Krav Pega lessons,” Fiery said. “It bears mentioning too that in recent months I’ve noticed in our sparring sessions that she’s been incorporating all three martial arts together into a hybrid style. I saw as much in today’s bout as well. This seems partly natural, partly deliberate; she’s grown so accustomed to all three that she knows how to utilize them together to her advantage. Putting it mildly, this rate of progression is unprecedented, to say the least.”
“I agree, but we’ll discuss that in greater detail later,” Dämons said. “Suffice it to say, against all odds and past precedent, Derpy Hooves has mastered three different martial arts in a year. Charming, what about you: how’ve her ninjutsu studies gone?”
Charming considered the question for a moment in silence before simply answering, “Very well.”
Dämons rolled his eyes. “Would you care to expand upon that assessment just a tad, Charming?” he asked.
“Sure. She’s a good observer. Knows how to watch, listen, take in her surroundings, adapt. Very silent on her hooves, can be quiet in flight when she needs to be. Has a more than satisfactory grasp of the concepts and principles of ninjutsu. Her size may be a factor there: she understands the importance of properly applying unconventional tactics to her advantage, given her smaller build.”
“What sorts of weapons does she employ?” Fiery asked suddenly.
“Light ones, any she can easily carry. Throwing darts and caltrops are two favorites of hers.”
“Figured as much,” Fiery said. “Early on I tried to train Derpy in a number of more conventional weapons, but that didn’t go so well. Spears and other staff mounted weapons are a bit awkward for her, I think that has something to do with their size more than their weight. Hammer hooves are too heavy for her. We did some basic lessons with wing blades, but that was it. She’d probably be able to handle hoof-mounted blades and even a custom-built set of wing blades, one which was light enough for her to handle with ease in flight, but she didn’t seem particularly interested in either option. She almost seemed uncomfortable at the prospect of learning either. But you say she’s got no trouble at all with those lighter weapons?”
“None,” Charming answered. “Probably would employ more if she could. Options are limited, especially seeing as we haven’t even covered magical weapons yet. She’s aware of objects like enchanted gems and their applications, just hasn’t trained with them.”
“We can worry about that later,” Dämons interjected. “Charming, is Miss Hooves advanced enough in her ninjutsu studies that she could practice what she’s learned in the field?”
“Yes,” Charming said without pause, then added, “she’d do better than most.”
“High praise from you indeed. Let’s wrap things up with her intellectual studies. Sister Lightning, if you’d be so kind, how has the development of Miss Hooves’ mental faculties gone?”
“Oh it’s been splendid,” Lightning began. “Derpy’s been a wonderful student. She eats up anything and everything we cover: history, philosophy, literature, you name it. Whatever mental blocks she had when she first joined us are long gone by now; she has a remarkable capacity for retaining information. I wouldn’t say she possesses an eidetic memory, she just… she wants to learn. All the things she couldn’t do before, it’s like her mind and spirit are free for the first time in her life.
“She loves pushing her limits, really throwing her mind into our studies, and from what I’ve seen, and from what you’ve all said, it sounds like she does the same in all of her other lessons as well. She’s only going to keep learning more, and it’s not because of her mental faculties, impressive as they are; it’s this drive that she has, this insistent drive that pushes her to keep bettering herself as much as possible. It’s not ambition, because she’s not doing this for herself, or at least not bettering herself for her own sake. No, it’s an… an impulse, a fire in her belly to become the best pony she can be for those around her. When you get right down to it, what Derpy wants most, even more than improving herself, is to help others. Her head’s not only in the right place, her heart is as well.”
“Fantastic to hear, Lightning. Really, when you get down to it, what is more important than the heart’s condition my brothers and sisters? On top of everything we’ve already heard, now we have this: a pony who’s not only a prodigy the likes of which we’ve never encountered, but with a good heart to boot. She genuinely wants to help others, and we know she has the means to do it. All we have left to do is enable her. So I motion here and now that we initiate Derpy Hooves as soon as possible into the-”
“Ahem.”
Startled, Dämons turned to his left where the abrupt interruption had come from, only to find Bitter Sweet staring hard back at him.
“Uh… yes, Brother Bitter?”
“You did not ask my opinion of her,” he pointed out, his displeasure apparent.
“Didn’t I? Ah… you’re right. Must’ve slipped my mind. You had something to say?”
“Why yes, as a matter of fact I did. I may not have been one of her tutors, but need I remind you that you appointed me to pose as yourself not only so that you might work more closely with her, but also so that I may observe her development from a distance, uninfluenced by the intimacy that so often comes with such close association as personal tutelage.”
“What’s your point?” Dämons testily asked.
“My point is that I’ve had the opportunity to observe Miss Hooves from an entirely different perspective than the rest of you. From said perspective, I’ve been able to observe things that you all, it seems, have overlooked. In my humble opinion, these things should be cause for some concern.” There was an unnerving easiness to Bitter Sweet’s voice. It seemed too forced in its nonchalance, as though it were concealing the true spirit of his words. As Bitter continued, Dämons attempted to ascertain that spirit while he listened.
“Sister Lightning, if you’d be so kind, I’d like you to answer a simple question for me: is Miss Hooves capable of killing?”
“Why, whatever do you mean?” Lighting asked, clearly perturbed by the question.
“Exactly what I said: is she capable of killing? I don’t mean is she physically capable of doing so, I’ve no doubt she is. But mentally is she in a position where she’d be willing to take another’s life if the Order demanded it?”
“Why are you asking me?”
“Because you have an exceptional talent for gauging personal character, as you just demonstrated,” Bitter replied. “As far as I’m concerned, you’re more qualified than anyone else in this room to answer my question. So please, if you will.”
Lightning’s eyes darted back and forth between Dämons and Bitter while she thought up a response. After awhile, not wanting to meet either of their gazes, her eyes drifted down, settling on the table in front of her. Finally, after an uncomfortably long silence, she began, not raising her eyes.
“Derpy is… she… she has strong convictions, very strong. She truly wants to take what she’s learned, the skills she’s acquired, and use all of it to help others. She recognizes that there’s much injustice in Equestria and that it must be dealt with. That said… she’s very uncomfortable with the notion of death. Not in an immature sense, mind you. If anything, she has a very mature sense of death and its import. She understands and seems to accept the notion of taking a life for just reasons, and also understands that there’s a need for ponies out there willing to do just that.
“But personally, I don’t think she could ever bring herself to take another’s life, not unless it were an extreme emergency. Her mother’s death simply left too big of an impact on her to do so; she understands the pain that comes with such a loss, and I don’t think she’d be able to take somepony else’s life knowing she might be bringing that very same pain to another. This isn’t pacifism, mind you, it’s a… it’s sort of an insecurity. No matter what lengths she might be willing to take, she does not seem to conceive of herself as worthy of taking another’s life, and for better or worse, that’s just who she is.”
“Thank you Lightning,” Bitter said. There was a ravenous look in his eyes, like that of a shark closing in for a kill. “One more question: what is the extent of her notion of ‘just’ killing?”
“I don’t know. I honestly don’t know,” Lightning answered, almost whispering it. For a minute nopony said a word, but then, just as suddenly as the room had fallen silent, Dämons spoke up.
“Could you all please give Brother Bitter and I some privacy?” He seemed to be struggling to keep his voice level and composed. Without a word, everypony else got up and left; they knew better than to question their master, especially given his current temperament. Bitter himself rose from his seat with the rest of them and moved to the other end of the table, now sitting directly opposite his superior. As soon as the rest had left and securely shut the door behind them, Dämons turned to Bitter, glowering at him.
“What is this game you’re playing?” he savagely demanded. Bitter remained calm as ever and shook his head.
“You mistake genuine apprehension for political machinations, brother,” he answered.
“Is that so? Well then, please, by all means, explain your ‘concerns’,” Dämons bid.
“You heard it yourself. Derpy Hooves is unwilling, perhaps even incapable, of taking another’s life. What’s more, we don’t even know for sure what she considers to be a just rationale for killing, but I have an idea of what she wouldn’t be alright with, and it includes that which we’d be asking her to be a part of as one of our own.”
“You don’t know that,” Dämons declared.
“No, I don’t. But neither do you. That is my real concern, just how little we do know about her. Her intentions, motivations, they’re a mystery to all of us. The little we do know for sure does not suggest that she’d be inclined to support us in our efforts. But most galling of all, perhaps, is that you yourself know as little as the rest of us. You, who sought her out in the first place, invited her here, and have worked more closely with her than any of us. Yet you, like the rest of us, still haven’t the faintest notion whether or not she has the heart for our cause! That is simply unheard of, and I cannot in good conscience possibly endorse initiating anyone who remains such a wild card. It’d be like playing with fire and hoping to get burned.”
Some of the fire left Dämons’ eyes as he considered the merit of his comrade’s words. He still offered nothing more than a black scowl in Bitter’s direction, but his good sense was starting to get the better of his initial shock and anger at his lieutenant’s unexpected objection. Much as he hated to admit it, there was more than a little truth in what he was saying. All the same, he remained on guard; Bitter had given him considerable trouble more than a few times over the years, and Dämons was not yet convinced that there wasn’t more to this opposition than he was currently letting on.
“I’ll admit it’s possible I may have overlooked this particular aspect of Miss Hooves’ psyche. In my defense, I have only worked with her for a year.”
“That’s not an excuse and you know it, not in this case!” Bitter spat. “You knew very well going in that you’d have a limited timetable to train her. Plans which you yourself set in motion are coming to a head, and to see those plans brought to fruition, the Order more than anything else right now needs unity in its ranks and everyone’s full attention and devotion to seeing Operation Herz Sturm through. That doesn’t just include her, that includes you, more than anypony else.”
“Just what are you saying, Bitter?” Dämons asked, the slightest hint of suspicion tinting his words.
“Simple: you’ve grown too attached to her. And in doing so, in overlooking so many facets of her character, you’ve not only compromised your position as her teacher, but also your position as our leader.”
For a moment, neither of them said another word. They both knew full well the implications of what’d just been said; in a split second, the conversation had gone from being a mere dispute over Derpy’s loyalty to an all-out challenge of Dämons’ authority.
“Is that it?” Dämons asked acidly. “Come now, if you’ve got something more to say, say it. Let’s have it, Bitter, all of it.”
“Gladly,” Bitter rejoined, though the slightest tinge of hesitation colored his words. “Frankly, I wouldn’t be so worried about all this if not for one other thing: you’ve done this before. A lot. Time and again, you’ve let personal biases cloud your better judgment of others, namely, those you’ve personally taken under your own wing. What’s more, only bad has come from this. Friends and the Order have suffered whenever you’ve allowed your feelings to blind you in the past. We’ve bounced back from your failures, yes, but we still bear the scars. And now, when we stand on the verge of making history like never before, a position our Order has not been in in centuries, what do you do? You bring in an unpredictable variable, a wild card that could just as easily betray us as she could assist us, simply presuming that she’ll gladly serve as another cog in our machine, no questions asked.”
That got Dämons blood boiling, and for an instant a burning fury consumed him. He opened his mouth as though about to launch into a violent outburst, but barely stopped himself. Recovering his composure, he hung his head, his face downcast. He looked ashamed, and his body was practically shaking as the truth of Bitter’s words soaked in. He hated that Bitter was right, and he hated himself even more for trying to deny it. After struggling to find the right words for some minutes, Dämons took a few deep breaths, recovering his typical coolness, and, lifting his gaze, looked Bitter in the eye once more.
“You’re right. As much as I hate to admit it, you are right. I’ve failed too many times, and too many have suffered because of my failures. I hope you can appreciate how difficult it is for me to admit this, especially to you. The truth is a hard thing for all of us sometimes, a hard, ugly thing that we don’t want to face. What’s worse is when someone we don’t particularly care for forces us to face the truth, and I for one most certainly do not care for you, Bitter.”
“The feeling’s mutual,” Bitter replied. “But you already knew that.”
“But of course. We’ve both known it for years. You’ve resented me ever since I became the Demon’s Stallion and took that which you thought was yours by right. Through the years, you’ve never failed to give me trouble whenever you got the chance, and why wouldn’t you? I’m the wellspring of your deepest insecurities and feelings of failure and inadequacy, and you, well, you’re a constant pain in my flank. And yet we’ve still managed to work side by side for all these years. Have you ever wondered why?”
“It crosses my mind from time to time. More often that I’d like,” Bitter admitted.
“Mine too,” Dämons said. “I think I figured it out some years ago. You can’t get rid of me because the Order needs me; my genius, ambition, and the will to see my hopes and dreams for the Order become reality, you’ve never been able to match any of these qualities of mine. I, on the other hoof, can’t get rid of you because I need you, somepony willing to say ‘no’ to my ideas, a critical voice more than ready to scrutinize my every move. You’re the only one of my lieutenants older than I, and your counsel has proven invaluable through the years.”
“I’m touched, but what’s your point?” Bitter asked, wondering what exactly Dämons was getting at.
“My point is that you need to know that I really do appreciate what you have to say, Bitter. I don’t know what I would’ve done without your advice, critiques, counsel, and guidance. I trust you, Bitter, like I’m trusting you now. Miss Hooves is not at an ideal point mentally to join our ranks, that much I can concede. I trust your judgment. Now, however, I need to ask you to trust me in turn.”
“What do you mean?”
“Bitter, I am her teacher, just as I am the Order’s leader. It is my right and responsibility, both as her teacher and your leader, to fix this. I know I’m asking a lot of you, but I need you to trust me when I say that I believe wholeheartedly that she can be won over to our cause. I just need you to trust me to handle it, my way, in my time. I know that we are working on a very tight timetable, but I just know, with every fiber of my being, that Derpy can and will play a vital role in the coming enterprise. It won’t be like before; I won’t let it. Understood?”
Slowly, without saying a word, Bitter nodded, his visage one of guarded neutrality.
“Well? Do you trust me?”
Again, he silently nodded.
“Say it,” Dämons commanded.
“I trust you, sir,” Bitter said, his tone as neutral as his countenance. Dämons didn’t quite know what to make of his attitude, but for the time being, that was good enough for him. As far as he was concerned, a potential crisis had just been averted.
“Thank you, my friend. You are dismissed.” With a wave of his hoof, Dämons beckoned Bitter to take his leave, and the latter promptly arose from his seat and departed, shutting the door behind him with a resounding thud. Slumping in his chair, Dämons breathed a long, drawn out sigh of relief, and for some time just stared up at the featureless ceiling.
Well… that could’ve gone better. Then again, I suppose it could just as easily have gone worse. Why now? He’s questioned my authority plenty in the past, but never outright challenged it, not like this: so why now? It’s always damn hard trying to figure out with him whether his opinions are born of legitimate concerns, jealousy, or both. In any case, something tells me I haven’t heard the last of this.
Whatever his motives may have been, however, he did, regrettably, have a point. She’s not ready, and that’s partly my fault. But… I can fix this. I know I can. All I have to do is win her heart to our cause; it’s as simple as that! She can be won, of that I am certain. She must be won; we’ve come too far to turn back now, to squander all our hard work and simply toss aside someone who might very well be the future of the Order.
I just need a little more time, is all. Why is it that those commodities which we need the most are always the shortest in supply? Eh, no matter, I work best under pressure anyway. Still, this will be a delicate process, and must be handled with the utmost care; she must be eased into accepting our mindset, slowly but surely. Yes, that ought to do it: slowly but surely. She’s so close, and she’s already taken so many steps towards becoming one of us all on her own; I shouldn’t even need to do much myself, all she needs at this point is a little nudge in the right direction. The rest is up to her.
She hasn’t let me down once; she won’t let me down now. I will lead us all into a brighter tomorrow, and she’ll be right at my side through it all, ready to take the reins when my time comes to an end. She will be our future. I swear it.
Fears and past failures, toils and triumphs, a lifetime full of joy and sorrow, all this and much more seemed to file in a tumultuous procession before Dämons’ very eyes. At the end of it all stood the future in all its terrifying uncertainty; no matter how much he tried to grasp, infer, subdue, or control it, it always managed to elude his reach. It filled him with dread now, to think of what was to come, what might go wrong, the interminable list of possibilities that lay before him. There was only one certainty at the end of that road, that grey horizon which he, like all before and after him, must pass in the end. All else was uncertainty.
No… no… all our dreams will become realities. All of them.
Back in his own cell, darker thoughts occupied Bitter Sweet’s mind. Pacing about, driven by an intense fury, an intricate design of his own began to formulate.
Damn fool’s as blind as ever! Pride, ambition, stubbornness, they’re all blinding him to the reality staring him in the face. She’s not one of us, and she never will be! He is setting us all up for calamity, and he can’t even see it.
No more. I’ve put up with this for far too long. We can’t be dealing with this, not now, not with so much at stake. This is my chance, my time, and this last failure of his will secure my ascendancy to my rightful place. I will lead the Order to the coming dawn because I must. He had his chance, and he chose to squander it on a filly who’s more dangerous to us than she’s worth.
Sorry, Dämons, but you’ve left me no choice. After I’ve dealt with her, your masquerade will be revealed for the farcical façade that it’s been, your leadership, upended once and for all. ‘Tis only for the greater good.
After reading the first chapter, you tied me to it! This is definitely something I would read on my free time. excellent read so far and I will definitely continue my crusade on conquering this fic. and by conquer, I mean read. here, have a like, follow, and a fav.
5156101
Thank you so much, glad you're liking it so far!
5156109 The pleasure is mine.
5161546
Hey, thanks buddy, I'm all for constructive criticism, and don't worry about getting to the chapters, I know how real life can get (grad school makes life a little crazier than usual after all ).
I completely understand your critique with the pacing issue. I'm not gonna go back and take it out, just because, for lack of a better word, I just had to get that out of the way. Granted, the scenes themselves might've been unnecessary if taking them alone, but mostly I just wanted to utilize them to build up tension to the fight scene, set that up, and also give a picture of what Derpy was like after one year. You'll see as much with the next chapter as well, the action is considerably scaled back in that one because, well, it's in one setting and just a series of conversations. Believe me, it can be frustrating sometimes how long it takes to get to the juicy bits as the author of this story, but they'll be coming more frequently, trust me. This is just the nature of the first in a planned trilogy of stories, especially since it can be considered an origin story to boot: there's a lot of exposition to get out of the way early on. It'd be nice if Derpy were just getting bestowed with superpowers just like that, but she doesn't have any, so she has to go through this whole transformation instead. Slowgoing at times, but we're getting closer, trust me. Thanks again for your feedback, and hope you like the next chapter!
That was absolutely fantastic. I was a bit concerned you were going to make this a simple rehash of the recent Batman movies with a simple character swap going in, but you have totally rebuilt the story in a way that fits naturally into Equestria and its inhabitants with excellent results so far. I especially liked how you set up Derpy and developed her character, and the section where she finally overcame her demons was one of the best character building scenes I have read in a very long time.
My only minor concern is that this chapter is making it sound like something excessively drastic is about to happen, although the characters are in a position where they would consider things far more drastic than the readers do so odds are it will not be as bad as my gut says it will be. Besides, after the first part of the story I trust you to not make this into a massive bloodbath like the movie was because that would clash very badly with the rest of the story and world at large so I am very much looking forwards to seeing where you take this next chapter.
5224407
First of all, thank you so much for the like, favorite, and watch, as well as the kind words of encouragement and support, they're all very much appreciated! Second of all, without spoiling anything, you need not worry, there's not going to be any bloodbath or anything; I know exactly what you mean, that would just be too much of a drastic tonal shift and wouldn't work here.
Finally, I noticed on your user page that you're a fellow Winningverse fan! Seeing as you've caught up all the way to the current chapter, I'm sure you've no doubt noticed the Winningverse characters thrown in so far (though I think Nimbus is the only one I've worked in at this point), but I'll say this: there's gonna be A LOT more Nimbus, and there's gonna be a lot of fun with plenty of other Clan Kicker family members as well. LOVE THAT FAMILY!!! Once again, thanks so much for the support. Hope my story continues to not disappoint.
5224946 No problem, and I actually found this from a conversation we had about Nimbus a while back (incidentally, I am very much looking forwards to seeing what you do with her as well). It just took me a while to get around to deciding to neglect my 700+ chapters of unread favorites to read this.
Anyways, it is good to hear your sensible plans are continuing and I am very much looking forwards to your next chapter.
5224979
Ohhhhhh, I thought I recognized your avatar from somewhere! You were reading Novus Draconis's story about Nimbus, right? Or maybe we just talked about her in the Winning Pony comments section, I can't remember. Either way, thanks again!
5225009 Yeah, that's where I heard about this story, and I am definitely glad I did.
5242466
You're on the right track, that's for sure. When I came up with that idea, I figured there must be plenty of other ponies like the CMC, both children and adults (as perfectly evidenced by Babs Seed), and I thought, "what if one were to expand on the idea of both the CMC and the importance that Equestrian society places on cutie marks? And furthermore, what if one were to run across a group that didn't like the way most of Equestria seemingly venerates cutie marks?" Thus, the Order.
5242692
This first story is set between Season 2 and Season 3. Events from the show will have impacts in their own ways on the larger story as it goes on (I'm hoping to make this a trilogy), but yeah, just to clarify, this particular story is taking place before Season 3.
“Gladly,” Bitter rejoined, though the slightest tinge of hesitation colored his words. “Frankly, I wouldn’t be so worried about all this if not for one other thing: you’ve done this before. A lot. Time and again, you’ve let personal biases cloud your better judgment of others, namely, those you’ve personally taken under your own wing. What’s more, only bad has come from this. Friends and the Order have suffered whenever you’ve allowed your feelings to blind you in the past. We’ve bounced back from your failures, yes, but we still bear the scars. And now, when we stand on the verge of making history like never before, a position our Order has not been in in centuries, what do you do? You bring in an unpredictable variable, a wild card that could just as easily betray us as she could assist us, simply presuming that she’ll gladly serve as another cog in our machine, no questions asked.”
Bane and Talia references?
all she needs at this point is a little nudge in the right direction.
[youtube= https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aq8UYqhMjrQ]
5242773
Thanks, I figured that was a suitably heroic way to go out without at the same time overblowing it, seeing as, after all, she was hardly the only weather pony involved in all that. She was just the only one who made the ultimate sacrifice.
And concerning that TDK clip, yeah, that clip definitely crossed my mind, along, of course, with plenty of themes from Batman Begins and Batman's greater mythos as a whole. One of my favorite themes of Batman (and I feel the whole DCU in some ways handles this theme better overall than Marvel, to a certain extent. I mean, just look at Marvel's Civil War; that was a great premise, but it ended up being such a mess in its execution) is this idea that good people, especially those in positions of great power, must always monitor themselves more than anyone else, because ultimately all it takes is making one life-changing decision to cross that thin, blurry, gray line between good and evil. Batman more than any other hero in the DCU is clearly most aware of this; heck, that's why he has contingencies of his own in place should any members of the JLA ever go evil or rogue. It's not because he doesn't trust them personally, it's just that he understands the weaknesses of human nature and wants to be prepared should the evil they all encounter ever prove too much for any of their minds to handle.
Glad you're enjoying the story so far! Thank you very much for the like, favorite, and all the comments. I'll try to get the next chapter out as soon as possible, and trust me, it's going to be a doozy.
5275785
Well if that were her reaction, it would make for a very short (albeit, entertaining) sequel.
5310139
Why thank you, that's exactly what I'm going for! The thing I like about some of these background characters from the show is that I figure there's far more to them than what we see in the show, and in writing fan fiction you get to do all sorts of fun stuff in interpreting these characters the way you want to. Best example I've come across so far of any author doing so is hands down Chengar Qordath and his Winningverse; he's done so much with so many of the background characters, especially Cloud Kicker, obviously, but plenty of other staples as well like Lyra and Derpy, that it's really quite incredible. Glad you're liking the story so far!
A very interesting and surprisingly original tale.
i.imgur.com/EWZgp90.png
5412955
Thank you very much, glad you like it! And hey, good luck with everything over at Twilight's Library. I can't imagine it's any fun dealing with all of that drama right now, especially around the holidays. I'm actually the admin of a group here on Fimfiction that's a branch of one of the larger online brony communities, MLP Forums; if you guys get to a point where you're looking for some new reviewers, I could probably help you get the word out over there if you wanted, seeing as it's a large enough community that you could probably find a few people there. Thanks again!
5479565
Oh wow, this is good stuff! Thank you again so much for taking the time to do all this. I'm guessing you've noticed by now that one of my hang ups in my writing is overloading sections with too much information or unnecessary words in general. That is a continual struggle for me, namely because I'm a bit of a completionist when it comes to a lot of things, so many times I find myself overcompensating when I don't have to.
The names... that's a trickier one. I'm not inclined to change Dämons Hengst or the Order's full name (though most characters generally just refer to it as the Order since it'd be a pain saying it's full name constantly), but I understand that Aucune Licorne Magique can sound ridiculous. Again, most of the time he's just referred to by his first name so the more silly parts of it generally don't get thrown in there, but again, I can understand how it can sound pretty ridiculous.
With the dream, I guess I wasn't trying to convey (and I apologize if I did) this sense that Derpy trusts Aucune so much already that he reminds her of her mother, but rather an idea that the the opportunity he's presenting her, the idea that she could be not just normal but do great things even, is reminding her of what her mother, one of the few ponies in her life who ever believed that, used to tell her. I don't know if knowing that helps understanding that scene better, but yeah, my apologies if I conveyed at all something Freudian in her going to that dream sequence. That was definitely not my intention.
Finally, I'm very glad that you pointed out that I have a mediocre first chapter (believe me, you are not the first to do this). Besides the fact that my fic's a crossover, I think that's the hardest sell for my fic when it comes to first time readers of it. I just don't know how to expand on it without throwing in too much, if that makes sense. Like I said, overcompensating in chapters can be a problem of mine, I frequently have to edit down A LOT. But with that first chapter there's a lot of information that I have to deliberately leave out, some to establish mystery, other info because it'd just detract from the pacing, etc. I guess my point is that since this is a pretty long, drawn out fic, plot developments, especially early on, are somewhat out of necessity going to seem small, minimal, not especially exciting, so while I fully admit the weaknesses of that chapter, I just don't really know, besides polishing up what's there, how to make it any more appealing and capable of hooking new readers. Obviously I can't just chock it full with signs saying "Hey, stick around, seriously, Derpy's gonna be awesome and turn into this crime fighting super-sleuth before you know it!".
Anyways, this is a wonderful start, and thank you again for taking the time to write out such detailed thoughts like this!
Recommending this story for Olympus.
I'm very sorry, but the review I did for this was stopped rather abruptly by me knowing all too soon that I wanted to let this in. If it's any consolation, it's your fault for having written the story too well.
The review (such as it is) is here.
Congratulations on impressing me. I usually hate crossovers.
5584577
Oh my, thank you, thank you, thank you so much! That's very high and gracious praise indeed, and very kind of you to say! Thank you for the recommendation.
5584594 Just don't do it again. I don't want to get a reputation for approving crossovers. If you keep on writing stuff that good, I'll have no choice but to turn to drink again.
5584597
I'll try not to. I would surely never want my writing to be responsible for alcohol poisoning.
5584623 Meh. It's okay, I've already got that. You should still feel guilty, though.
In all seriousness though, congratulations. I'm quite a biased individual, usually.
5584633
I will content myself with feeling guilty and proud then. Once again, thank you very much.
Remember how I said I was going to read your story and give you my thoughts on it like 500 years ago? Well, here I am!
This is really something Batbrony! I don't know what I was expecting from a crossover where Derpy is cast as the Dark Knight, but it sure wasn't this (and I mean that in the best way possible). Nothing about this story was predictable, even for someone like me who is very good at predicting where a story is going. More than that, you've created a whole world full of rich characters that still fits into the conceivable canon of the show proper.
I could try to give some constructive criticism here, but the only things I noticed were so minor and so drowned out by all the good that it just doesn't feel needed. My hat's off to you friend, and you definitely have a new avid story follower in me
5616318
Awwwwwww, thanks Eloquence!!! Coming from a writer (and very good friend) as fine as you, your thoughts really mean a lot to me. Thanks for the kind words and support, it's very much appreciated, although I'm most happy that you're just enjoying the story!
Its taken me a while, but I'm finally caught up.
Overall, this is an excellent story, and by far one of the most thoughtful stories I've read to approach the subject of superhero ponies. Having finally read this latest chapter though, my biggest concern is the pacing. Before, I thought the pacing was fine for what it needed to do, which was to focus on Derpy and her journey. Between this point and what most Batman fans know as Year One, I find it extremely hard to see how Derpy's journey in life gets her into the role of Batmare.
Not only how it gets her there, but how it changes her from the mare fan expect, know, and love. Batman is a brooding figure that uses fear as one of his main weapons. How Derpy accomplishes that is kind of beyond me. That's a very lonely place for Derpy to be, one that is bleak and hard, and I really can't see her in that position, not yet at least. That being said, I certainly can't guess how Derpy fits into the role she'll ultimately end up playing, but the pacing to get there is starting to give me pause for concern.
I don't doubt you'll make it work. This story has been very imaginative, and despite some earlier fears, feels like it's own story, and not a copy of Batman Begins. And if it's not a copy, I suppose there is hope that Batmare won't have to be the dark knight that Nolan's Batman needed to be.
5682481
Are you concerned that the pacing is going too slow, or too fast? I'm just curious, is all. This is definitely a very perceptive comment you've written, as far as analyzing my characterization of Derpy. You are correct that she's not in a place at the moment to decide she has to be a crimefighter who inspires fear in criminals. In fact, the uncertainty of her future's going to come to a real head in the next couple chapters, once they're released. Without giving anything away, events in the second act are going to really 'polish' Derpy's idea for what the future holds in store for her; right now, she's just happy that for the first time in her life she's got a fighting chance to make a real difference for others. She just doesn't know what that difference will be at this point, and she's going to realize soon that that not knowing is problematic. Glad you're enjoying the fic so far, and thanks for expressing your concerns and thoughtful insight!
5682517
Thanks for the response! ^_^
My concern was that the pacing for the story will be too slow, but that's really not a big thing, not really. Regardless of how long it takes Derpy to suit up, the journey between now and then will still be interesting and insightful. If anything, I have more concern for how she handles being the pony Batman, and all that symbolizes. How does her conviction for love and all the good it brings fit into a hero who holds criminals by their ankles over the edge of tall buildings just to get info out of them? That's not even getting into the idea that Batman, for all his strengths, is still just a man, and has always needed a Robin to keep from crossing a line and becoming the villains he strives to stop.
You have a tall order to fill, and I personally don't know how you accomplish it. Which honestly is a good thing, because as a reader I'm going to come back and be surprised, and that makes for good writing. I can't wait to see what you have in story for this story.
5682629
Yeah, I hear that about the pacing. She still has a ways to go before she suits up, but the journey will be fun along the way, that's for sure. And I'm glad you don't have any idea of how she's going to get there; in many ways, I myself don't. Just like with a hero like Batman in his own quest to be a hero, figuring these things out with these characters is always a journey itself for me as a writer. In my interpretation of Derpy as Batmare, I hope to share a lot of things about how I envision Batman as well and how he works. Things will work out differently for the both of them; the theme of love helping Derpy fulfill her greatest potential is obviously, in many ways, a big deviation. But it also has many similarities with Batman as well, at least in my opinion; he's driven in his mission not by a desire for vengeance, but for justice, and that's borne out of love for both his parents and the city he's been raised in. Even if Batman himself doesn't think he's a good person, ultimately, there are key differences that distinguish him as a hero from the villains he battles, and the same will have to be said for Derpy. In her case, though, the journey to donning the cowl may be very different, just because life's worked out for her very differently as well, and that, to me, makes for a fun challenge to embark on and tackle as a writer. Can't wait to share her tale as I've envisioned it with the rest of you!
Oh, there's one more thing I wanted to point out that I love about this story.
"Feather me."
That saying is just the best.
5682892
Yes, yes it is.