The Order
Derpy's eyes opened as she woke from her deep, peaceful sleep to see a tan unicorn staring back at her. Derpy only returned Aucune’s gaze with a blank, half-awake stare before giving a gaping yawn.
“Good morni- WAH!” she screamed, bolting upright in her cot, her wings splaying out in alarm as her mind finally began to register the stallion sitting a few feet away from her. “Wha- what the- what are you doing here?” she asked, catching her breath as she recovered from her initial shock.
“Waiting for you to wake up of course,” Aucune said. His steely eyes still seemed to be studying Derpy just as they had the first time they’d met, although their exact intent remained just as ambiguous as before.
As she rubbed the last lingering traces of sleep from her eyes, Derpy noticed narrow shafts of light shining through the two arrow slits dotting the far wall of her cell. “Uh, what time is it?” she asked.
“Half-past noon,” Aucune said matter-of-factly. Derpy winced, her cheeks turning a bright crimson.
Great, just great, the first day of my new life and I sleep through half of it. Fan-feathering-tastic!
Aucune, however, didn’t seem bothered at all by this. Quickly perceiving Derpy’s flustered reaction, he hastily interjected, “There’s no need for alarm. After all, you did climb about three-fifths of a mountain just yesterday. Frankly I’m surprised you’re up already. Not that it much matters one way or the other; today’s lesson shouldn’t take very long, so you’ll have plenty of time to go back to resting before the truly demanding activities begin tomorrow.”
“Demanding activities? Like what?”
Aucune just shook his head. “Later. We’ll cover everything shortly, I assure you. Just trust me when I say you’ll need all the rest you can get in these coming weeks when you can get it. Our regimen is designed to demand the most of your physical and mental capacities, and that’s just for starters, so let’s begin by getting you something to eat. Your body’s going to need all the replenishment it can get if you hope to survive what we’re going to put you through.”
Survive? Oh Celestia, what have I gotten myself into?
“Well, come along then, no point in just standing here dawdling about.”
“Wait, just one more thing.”
“Yes?”
Derpy raised an eyebrow. “Were you planning on just sitting there all day watching me until I woke up?”
“Yes,” he said. “Why?”
“Oh, no reason!”
Just hope he doesn’t make a habit of it. I mean, at least I got some privacy in solitary confinement.
A sudden, rather demanding grumble from the pit of her stomach made Derpy realize just how hungry she really was. “Lead the way, Mister Magique, I'm starving!”
After a satisfying meal, Derpy and Aucune left the warm confines of the keep, the pegasus donning a cloak provided by Aucune for the cold. Last night’s snowfall had left a fair layer of snow upon the ground, and about a dozen ponies were busy clearing it from the inner ward and battlements. Aucune led Derpy past them all to the outer wall (presumably for some privacy), and there they walked along the battlements.
“The first stage of our regimen is Innere Eroberung. In this phase you will undergo rigorous basic physical training coupled with studies in history, philosophy, science, and the tenets of the Order. I have been charged as your sole tutor for this stage, and will be personally overseeing your training and progress each step of the way. Are you following me so far?”
“I think so,” Derpy replied. “Just one question: why? I mean, what’s this all for?”
“Demons of course,” Aucune answered, eliciting a puzzled look from Derpy. “Let me explain; we all have demons in our lives, Miss Hooves, whether we know them or not. Sometimes they’re the result of years of some recurring behavior or condition in our lives, and other times they’re born out of one single event that simply changes everything. Before we can even think about becoming the best ponies we can be, we first have to conquer these demons and dispel them. Only then will your mind and body be ready to surmount any and all limitations, for your demons are the greatest barriers of all. If you can conquer them, you can conquer anything.”
“So what are my demons?” Derpy asked, to which Aucune simply gave a soft chuckle.
“Easy Miss Hooves, not so fast. You’re getting just a little ahead of yourself. I could not tell you what your demons are even if I knew; they are yours to discover for they are yours to overcome. Besides, before you can even begin to worry about uncovering your demons, much less confronting them, you must first prepare your body and mind for this trying tribulation. Once you reach a suitable point in your training, only then will you move on to the final phase of Innere Eroberung. At that point you will identify, confront, and master your demons once and for all. Are you ready to begin?”
Derpy stared off thoughtfully into space for a good moment before turning back to Aucune, returning his steely gaze with a firm nod.
“I’m ready.”
“Then let us begin,” Aucune continued without missing a beat. “Lesson one: the true individual defines who she is and makes her own destiny. Laws, creeds, beliefs, ideals: these may all be significant elements of her identity, but she alone chooses to make them so. Ultimately, to achieve your true potential your will alone must define who you are. Your thinking. Your actions. Your very identity.”
“This simple creed is the central tenet of our doctrine, the foundation of all the Order’s doctrine, and I will drill it into your mind again and again until likewise it is the centerfold of your identity. Master your will, and you can master anything. Master your will, and you will be unstoppable.”
Derpy’s eyes scrunched shut in concentration as she considered Aucune’s words until a thought struck her.
“Wait, don’t I already define who I am? That’s what my identity is, right, I mean… it’s me isn’t it?” The unicorn sighed and shook his head, giving Derpy a knowing, sympathetic look, as if he’d already known she’d ask this question.
“If only it were that simple Miss Hooves. You are right in saying that your identity is who you are, but that does not mean that you define it, not yet at least. Most ponies these days do not define who they are, and it is for this reason that exceptional individuals are such a rarity. The pressures of our culture and society, its standards, stigmas, and expectations for each and every pony, these all too often end up determining who they become. In modern Equestria, there is no greater crutch that ponies rely upon to define themselves than the cutie mark.”
“Wait, what?” Derpy blinked in surprise. “What’s so bad about cutie marks?”
“Nothing inherently. In and of themselves cutie marks are merely an amusing, albeit completely unnecessary, novelty of our biological makeup. But they have become a curse to ponykind, a crutch to some and handicap to others, on account of the degree to which ponies disgustingly revere them.” Bitter contempt seeped from Aucune’s words as he continued along with his diatribe, steadily becoming more and more agitated as he spoke.
“Most ponies believe they know the full extent of their abilities when they receive their cutie mark, as though it is some sort of tablet with the roadmap to life etched into it. Even worse, others often get a cutie mark whose meaning eludes them and everypony else, or may not even obtain one until years after most of their peers. These ponies behave lost, unable to seize or even know their own destinies since they are so latched to the idea that their cutie marks must determine it for them, and the worst part of it all is that everypony else treats them exactly the same, leaving these poor, misguided souls behind to wither on the vine. It’s insane, immoral, and an injustice plain and simple!”
By now Aucune’s face had contorted into a grotesque visage, with nostrils flared, lips curled into a fierce scowl and eyes flashing with a wild look about them. When he noticed his walleyed companion staring at him with a concerned look, the unicorn’s raging countenance left as quickly as it’d come and he hastily regained his cool composure.
“My apologies, Miss Hooves. Sometimes my passions get the better of me.”
“It’s alright,” Derpy said, giving a halfhearted chuckle. Her unsettled demeanor did not escape Aucune’s notice, however.
“You’re troubled. Not by my tone, but by my words, yes?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Well… honestly, yeah. Cutie marks are a part of what makes us special and unique, aren’t they? At least, that’s what my mom always told me.”
“And did your mother ever tell you what your cutie mark means, Miss Hooves? Has anypony ever been able to tell you what fate has in store for a pony with bubbles for a cutie mark?” That set Derpy off: she could take just about any manner of crap flung her way, but she’d be mauled by a manticore before she let someone insinuate that her mama had somehow failed in her parenting.
“For your information, no, she didn’t, but you know what she did tell me? She told me that it’d mean whatever it needs to mean, that with hard work, patience, and persistence it would all eventually become clear to me, and you know what else? I believed her then and to this day I still do, always have and always will!” she snapped, glaring daggers back at Aucune as though daring him to take another shot at her mother. To her shock, however, Aucune only returned her glare with an amused expression, quietly chortling as a wry grin spread from one corner of his mouth to the other.
“Well then, in that case Miss Hooves I must say that your mother sounds like she was far wiser than most. That’s roughly the Order’s doctrine in a nutshell regarding cutie marks.”
“Yeah. Sure it is.” She was still eyeing Aucune, though admittedly his response had taken her aback just a bit. If he was just trying to string her along, he certainly didn’t show it; everything about his face and tone looked and sounded sincere.
“Believe me, if your mother was wrong I certainly wouldn’t hesitate to tell you as much. What I’m telling you is the truth. Remember what I said before Miss Hooves: truly great individuals define who they are. The logical conclusion that we must derive from this then is that the pony must define the cutie mark, rather than be defined by the cutie mark.”
“Truly meaningful marks in this world are made only by those who carve their own paths, make their own choices, and choose their own fates. The Order has strictly adhered to this philosophy for over a thousand years, and it is our primary mission to spread our knowledge to as many of our Equestrian brethren as possible, that they too might unlock their full potential and achieve all that they really are capable of. Did your mother not want the same for you, to be the best you could be?”
Derpy’s expression softened now that Aucune’s meaning was clear, but her mind remained troubled as she mulled over his question. She had never doubted that her mother had wanted her to do her very best, but she’d often wondered over the years just how she was supposed to do that. Too many times Derpy had found herself lost, aimless and without purpose, without the sense that she was doing anything of import or to the best of her ability for that matter. She didn’t need much; all she wanted was to be somepony that mattered and made a difference, however small.
Could this really be the way to become what she’d always wanted to be, the mare her mother had dreamed she’d become one day? Should she decide what her cutie mark meant herself rather than keep waiting and waiting and waiting day after day, month after month, and year after year for its meaning to finally reveal itself?
“Do you really think this is what she’d want?” she asked.
“That’s impossible to say Miss Hooves. I never knew your mother. But I think she’d want you to be happy, and if there was even the slightest chance that this path could lead you to that happiness I think she’d want you to take it. And believe me, in your case there is far more than a slight chance that you’ll realize even your wildest dreams and so much more, if you’ll only follow my lead. Trust me, Miss Hooves. Trust the Order. But most importantly, trust yourself.”
‘Trust yourself’… could it really be that simple? Is that what I’ve been missing all these years, what I forgot and lost after she… left me?
“OK,” Derpy breathed, “nothing else has worked, so maybe it really is up to me to decide who I am. Whatever it takes, whatever you need me to do, I’ll do it, even if it kills me.”
“Then our first lesson is at an end,” Aucune declared, evidently pleased with Derpy’s response. “Get some food and rest, Miss Hooves; you’ve taken the first step toward completing Innere Eroberung, but the next steps are going to push you to your limits, beyond anything you’ve ever endured. If you’re still with me at the end of it all then you may yet reclaim your fate. But remember, fundamentally that’s all up to you: true success will only come when you alone seize your destiny. Good day then, Miss Hooves. I look forward to our time working together in these coming weeks.”
“Faster, Miss Hooves, faster!” Aucune shouted.
Derpy panted, her lungs burning and legs pumping furiously.
“Come on, pick up the pace Miss Hooves, only four laps to go. Finish strong, finish strong!”
She was galloping as fast as she could along a makeshift track that lay in the vale directly adjacent to Die Schmiede, as the Order’s fortress was called by its inhabitants.
“Go!”
Stop.
“Harder!”
Lighten up.
“Faster!”
Slow down.
“Finish!”
Quit.
“No!” Derpy blared between raspy breaths. She blocked out everything that her mind and body were telling her as best as she could, yet the burning, unbearable agony coursing through every inch of her body threatened to overwhelm her any second now.
No! Won’t quit. Won’t stop. Won’t give up! Not until I’ve finished what I started. I decide when I’m done. I determine when I’ve had enough. I define my limits. I have to finish. I must! Just… one… more… lap!
Somehow Derpy mustered enough energy to push through the final lap, and an excruciating moment later barreled across the finish line where Aucune stood waiting. As she began slowing down to a trot, the exhausted mare stumbled and lost her footing, tripping over her own forelegs and crashing headfirst into the ground in a spectacularly inept display. A lone feeble groan escaped her lips; her pride hurt, but not nearly as much as the rest of her body, and at this point she was just too tired to care anymore. After a merciful moment of respite, Aucune made his way over to where Derpy lay sprawled on the ground like a squashed bug.
“Very good Miss Hooves, you managed to best your previous time by just over 30 seconds, a commendable improvement indeed.” Derpy smiled weakly, still too bushed to bother picking herself up. “However,” Aucune continued, grimacing, “counting that last spill, you also had two more, um, mishaps than last time as well. I would say you had three more, but I’m still debating whether or not to count that half-a-lap you spent running backwards as one of them, seeing as you were still technically upright and in motion. Still not even entirely sure how you ended up like that in the first place.”
“To be honest, neither am I,” Derpy added, forcing a sheepish grin. But Aucune’s demeanor only grew more serious, his frown deepening and furrowing his eyebrows as though he were appraising some perplexing riddle.
“This is serious Miss Hooves, very serious. In spite of very good progress in your physical conditioning up to this point, you’ve been simultaneously getting clumsier and less coordinated in practically every activity lately. I’ve believed from the start that your bumbling movements and behavior are intrinsically linked to a far more complex underlying problem, and now I’m certain of it. The good news is that the more we know about this problem, the easier it will be to identify, confront, and master it later on. That won’t be for quite some time still, but carefully consider what I have told you; after all, it will be up to you and you alone to wrestle with your demons when the time is right. Now come along, pull yourself up; it’s time for your afternoon studies.”
Aucune extended his right hoof towards Derpy which she gratefully accepted, helping her up from her rather awkward position. The two began making their way back to Die Schmiede, trotting along a narrow cobblestone path in silence. It wasn’t an unpleasant silence; both ponies were simply lost in their own respective thoughts. It’d actually become something of a habit of theirs, and one that Derpy truthfully didn’t mind; she found the quiet moments between her lessons to actually be very helpful and altogether pleasant, a brief but valuable interval to meditate upon whatever happened to be on her mind. Usually she mulled over Aucune’s lessons, but at the moment she was too exhausted for that and simply took the time to enjoy her surroundings.
There wasn’t a single cloud in the azure blue sky, and the sun smiled down upon the multicolored peaks of the surrounding Crystal Mountains, whose snow-covered crests glistened beneath its blazing rays. The dozens of crystal boulders that dotted the vale, despite having no luster themselves just like the mountains, constituted a magnificent chaos of colors, giving the vale a truly unearthly, stunning appearance. Even Die Schmiede itself, in spite of its imposing presence, exuded an almost indescribable warmth on this sunny day. No doubt the castle’s beautiful surroundings certainly augmented its appearance, but Derpy couldn’t help but feel there was more to it than that.
It’s funny… just over a month ago I was still delivering mail for the Ponyville Post Office. Now look at me: out here in the middle of who knows where, doing a thousand things I’d never dreamed of, not in a million years, not for me! But what’s most surprising of all is, well… this place is finally starting to feel like home. These ponies, they’ve got something real special here, and I can’t believe how much they’ve let me share in it. They don’t treat me like I’m just deadweight, but one of them, an equal.
But even with all that, why do I still feel like deadweight? I can’t put my hoof on it, but something’s definitely missing. Maybe Mister Magique is right; maybe it all has to do with whatever my demons are; maybe that’s what my problem is. Whatever it is, I’ve got to take care of it soon. I’ve been bumbling through my workouts and chores more and more, and I can’t even stay focused in my lessons. I want to get better, but my body refuses, fighting me every step of the way; I want to learn more, but my mind just wanders to and fro these days.
What’s happening to me? I mean, if I’m really making progress like Mister Magique says, then why does it feel like I’m taking two steps back every day. I feel stronger, I feel smarter, but everything’s going the same as before, if not worse. Something’s either blocking me, or there’s something missing or… horsefeathers, I don’t even know anymore! Maybe I’ve overlooked something.
As they entered the castle through the postern gate Derpy's mind began to wander. Aucune had certainly not been exaggerating when he’d described Innere Eroberung as “rigorous”. If anything, it was an understatement. The last month had hooves down easily been the most brutal and regulated in Derpy’s life.
Each day, with the exception of Sundays, had the same fixed, strict schedule. Mornings began at 6:30 when Aucune would barge into Derpy’s cell and bark, “Wake up Miss Hooves!” It hadn’t exactly been that effective the first few days, but after a couple of nasty incidents involving buckets of ice-cold water Derpy had quickly learned to respond to Aucune’s calls the first time. After a light breakfast, the next two hours were spent in a strength and conditioning session. Aucune would run Derpy through dozens of different free weight exercises, stretches, and calisthenics, mixing things up day by day in order to maintain muscle confusion. Aside from the free weights, which Derpy still had a little trouble keeping balanced, she’d actually gotten pretty good at most of her strength exercises, although she’d certainly done far more wing-ups by now than she’d ever hoped to do in her life.
This morning workout was followed up with an academic interlude, starting with philosophy studies, during which Derpy and Aucune pored over the works of various metaphysicians and political philosophers. They combed through everything from Maristotle’s Metaphysics to Coltfucian Ethics imported from Griffonia, and it was a blast. Derpy had thought going in that these sessions would be a bore at best, but by now they were one of the highlights of her day. Certainly she’d never expected that studying all these myriad philosophies, trying to understand the subtle but very important similarities and differences between them, could be as fascinating and enjoyable as it’d proven to be. Unfortunately, with each passing day it was proving harder and harder to stay awake and alert following her morning exercises (even more unfortunate, Aucune usually remedied this with a sharp thwack to the head with a yardstick he kept close at hoof), but besides her inconvenient fatigue and despite the complex and challenging issues they regularly tackled, Derpy generally enjoyed philosophy very much.
After philosophy came lunch; thankfully, unlike breakfast, Derpy could manage to take larger portions since she didn’t have any workouts immediately afterwards, although she was still pretty limited in her options. With food stores almost always limited if not strained on account of the castle’s remoteness, most meals at Die Schmiede were simple ones that could easily be cooked in bulk quantities. Lunch itself was usually hay sandwiches and a stew of some kind, but Derpy didn’t really mind, she certainly wasn’t a mare of refined tastes when it came to food (except of course for a certain pastry she constantly craved). She did wish that she could eat with the Order’s other members, but Aucune insisted that they dine in private to discuss her ongoing progress. It wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy Aucune’s company, she just wanted to get to know some of the others more. Still, Derpy knew that their lunchtime talks were important, so she put up with it, no complaints. At least she got to fill up while listening to Aucune go on about whatever he was fixated on discussing for the day.
The next activity had early on been the most dangerous of Derpy’s studies: science. The material itself wasn’t that difficult; Aucune spent the first half simply lecturing on the chemical properties of various chemicals that were, as he put it, “regularly utilized by the Order”. The second half, however, was another story; after Aucune was finished lecturing, Derpy had to apply what she’d just learned, with Aucune’s supervision. Needless to say, they’d quickly discovered that Derpy and volatile chemicals did not mix well. It only took two near death experiences in the first week to convince Aucune to adjust his lessons to suit Derpy’s needs, and ever since then he’d handled any dangerous materials in class personally, much to his student’s relief.
In spite of her unsurprising failure at handling the chemicals they worked with, Derpy was still a little taken aback by the risky applications the Order apparently had for all of them. The chemicals, along with most of the compounds and mixtures that Aucune prepared in class, were usually hazardous to some extent. With the exception of a few mixtures with medicinal properties, most days Aucune would cook up something like a corrosive acid, a deadly poison, or some explosive that could range from a minor charge to an extremely volatile and powerful compound. It was a very captivating period, and Aucune’s demonstrations were always cool to watch, but all the same Derpy still sometimes wondered about these lessons. Just how exactly did the Order expect her to apply what she was learning in the real world?
Cardio and flight exercises came after science, a period that Derpy had found increasingly frustrating as of late. Derpy had always been an awkward flier, so it was understandable that she’d struggle with the flight laps and air obstacle course that she had to contend with every day. Lately, however, she’d been getting worse at her cardio as well; each day she suffered more trips, collisions, and spills. Granted Aucune had been steadily increasing the distances she ran, but this wasn’t fleeing from a gang of inmates in a crowded mess hall, this was galloping around a feathering track for Celestia’s sake! Half the time she felt like a three ring circus out there with some of the mishaps that took place, and no matter how hard she thought about it, she just couldn’t make sense of it.
Ughhhh, c’mon Derpy, get it together! What’s done is done. Just shake it off and try to finish the day strong.
Derpy’s train of thought came to an abrupt end as she realized they’d reached Aucune’s cell, where all her academic lessons were held, with the exception of Aucune’s science demonstrations of course. While his quarters were about twice as large as Derpy’s, it was also considerably more furnished, packed from wall to wall with shelves of books, scrolls, and all manner of strange and outlandish objects, rounded out by his desk which sat in the middle of the room. This too was cluttered with a hodgepodge of books, maps, letters, quills, inkwells, and just about any other doohickey imaginable, but it always seemed that Aucune knew just where to find whatever he needed at the moment. It was all really a bit homey for Derpy; she wasn’t the most organized pony herself, so she actually felt quite comfortable and at home in the familiar organized chaos of the cell.
“All right Miss Hooves, let’s pick up where we left off yesterday in the midst of the Second Unification War,” Aucune said as he took a seat at his desk while Derpy took her own across from him. “Before we move on to the Battle of Galloptaea, let’s review what we covered last time. Now then, how was the Siege of Appaloosica resolved?”
“Ummm… hold on, just give me a minute,” Derpy appealed, recalling the previous day’s history lesson. “The, uh, the Unicorn Supremacists conquered Appaloosica, right?”
“No,” Aucune replied, “the siege of the earth pony capital was broken by a relief force sent by the Equine League, the emergency alliance created by the three pony tribes to deal with the Unicorn Supremacist threat.”
“Oh… right.” Derpy’s ears flattened and her cheeks flushed red with embarrassment.
C’mon, that was an easy one, and you just covered it yesterday! Focus Derpy, focus!
“How was the siege broken?” Aucune continued.
“The… pegasi forces created a feint along the Supremacist’s flanks while the unicorns and earth ponies broke the Supremacist’s center.”
“Wrong again Miss Hooves. The unicorns and earth ponies, along with a number of the pegasi forces, performed a feint attack directly in front of the Supremacist’s center while the remaining pegasi achieved double envelopment through a successful pincer movement, effectively breaking the siege and virtually destroying the Supremacist’s forces in the process.”
Horsefeathers, I knew that, I know I did! C’mon, focus, focus, focus!
“Which pegasi forces achieved the double envelopment?”
OK, you got this, just focus Derpy, focus.
The pegasus searched the deepest, darkest nooks and crannies of her mind, looking for the answer she just knew was there somewhere. After a moment’s recollection, she thought she had it.
“The lancers of Clan Charger, led by Commander Bold Charger, achieved the envelopment,” Derpy stated with confidence. To her dismay, Aucune sighed and shook his head.
“I’m sorry Miss Hooves, but that too is incorrect. While Commander Bold Charger was both the leader of Pegasaea as well as the relief forces of the Equine League sent to Appaloosica, he and his clan remained with the bulk of the relief forces in order to convince the Supremacists that the main attack was being directed at their center. It was Clan Kicker, led in two separate detachments by the twin ephors Sleet and Snow Kicker, which achieved the double envelopment. While Clan Kicker had only half the strength of Clan Charger at the time, Sleet and Snow Kicker were the greatest tacticians of Pegasaea in their day, and both formulated and executed the attack. By darkening their clansponies traditionally blood red armor, they were able to move their small detachments in the middle of the night prior to the dawn attack undetected by the Supremacist forces, and achieved total surprise along both flanks in the morning once the Supremacists had committed most of their forces towards the main body of the Equine League. The Supremacist forces besieging Appaloosica were wiped out, and the resulting victory shattered their influence among the Western pony tribes, setting the stage for the Equine League’s invasion of the Supremacist’s strongholds among the Eastern pony tribes, which would culminate in the forthcoming Battle of Galloptaea.”
“Ah feather me, I knew that, I swear I did! I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, I just… can’t focus. I’m sorry Mister Magique, I’m trying, really I am!”
Aucune only raised a hoof, silently beseeching the frustrated Derpy to calm down. He furrowed his brow and stroked his goatee for a few moments in deep contemplation before speaking again.
“I know you’re trying your hardest Miss Hooves, believe me, I do, but it is rather curious isn’t it? You’ve consistently shown nothing but enthusiasm for your history lessons; the same goes for your philosophy and science studies as well. Your mind is clearly willing, more than ready to be molded, and yet… something is there, blocking your way. If you’ll pardon me Miss Hooves, I think we’ll end our lessons early for the day. I need some time to consider this matter. You can complete your cool down flight in the inner ward, and you should then have some downtime before your chores later this evening. You’re dismissed.”
“But I-,” Derpy began to protest, but decided against it. She truly loved Aucune’s history lessons; in fact, they were probably her favorite academic out of the three they covered. Maybe it was just because she’d always been a sucker for a good story, especially when the stories were true, and Aucune had this way of making even the most mundane events in pony history captivating. But if he thought that there was no point in continuing their lessons for the day, then Derpy had full faith that there must be a good reason for it and so let the matter drop.
“OK, I’ll be in the yard if you need me. Have a good night Mister Magique,” she said. As she turned to leave his cell, she stopped as a thought struck her. “Before I go, do you by any chance know who’ll be supervising my chores tonight?”
“I believe you’ll be working with Tiny Taste tonight, Miss Hooves.”
Derpy flinched at the news, growing pale as a wave of dread swept over her.
Oh feather me, that’s just perfect.
After her cool down flight Derpy had opted to go back to her cell for a quick nap before her evening chores. Being part of the Ordo Extraordinarii’s remote, close knit community meant that every pony had to contribute their fair share of work to keep Die Schmiede maintained and running smoothly. While Derpy, occupied as she was with her training, certainly didn’t partake in a full day’s work on castle upkeep like most members, she still had to do an hour of chores every evening, which varied day by day. This was not only a part of her duties to the Order, but it also helped her learn more about the community and ponies living at Die Schmiede, and for that she was quite grateful. What she was not grateful for were the chores themselves.
By the end of the day, after all of her studies and training, Derpy’s body was just about ready to shut down after a nice, hot meal. However, there were always the chores left to do before the day’s activities were truly all said and done. The work itself wasn’t that taxing, and it wasn’t that Derpy was lazy or anything; it was just that when she was tired, she was far more prone to have goof-ups. Some chores were easy enough, like sweeping the castle halls or shoveling snow. But others were a bit more troublesome.
Sometimes Derpy got placed with the castle weather ponies, who had to clear any rogue clouds from Die Schmiede’s air space; it always seemed that when Derpy was around the chances of somepony getting zapped by a stray lightning bolt were significantly greater. Other days she helped collect firewood in nearby forests, but the other woodsponies had quickly learned to keep their distance after she’d lost her grip on an axe haft and nearly decapitated poor Blue Birch. But out of all her chores, there was none Derpy dreaded more than kitchen duty. Luna on high, Derpy hated kitchen duty!
Derpy had always had trouble, to say the least, in the kitchen, so she usually just ended up eating out, picking up something on her way home, or helping herself to something that her housemate Carrot Top had cooked up. Here, however, she was usually guaranteed kitchen duty at least once a week, which was supervised by Tiny Taste, the castle’s chief cook.
Tiny Taste was generally an agreeable, if somewhat uncouth, fellow by most anypony’s measure, with his booming voice, jovial personality, and crass sense of humor. It seemed he’d done his best his whole life to make his name as ironic as possible; by Derpy’s measure he was almost as big as Big McIntosh, but had about twice as much bulk around his barrel as the former, and with his massive appetite to boot, his taste was anything but tiny. All things considered he was one of the more casual, easygoing figures in the castle, and there really wasn’t any pony there he couldn’t get along with easily. But then he’d met the bane of his kitchen.
The first time Derpy had kitchen duty, the then carefree earth pony had directed her to help cook up some grilled cheese sandwiches for the Order’s dinner. After stepping out for a minute or two to grab some ingredients, he’d come back to find that three of his stoves were now on fire and his kitchen assistants were in a frenzied state trying to put them out, which they’d finally managed to do before the whole kitchen went up in flames. The second time she’d worked with Tiny dinner had ended up being served an hour late and half of it was burnt, including dishes that she hadn’t even helped prepare. By that point he’d begun to suspect that Derpy was not necessarily fit for the kitchen. The third time Tiny had tried to break his streak of bad luck with the walleyed mare by having her simply clean the utensils and cookware used to prepare dinner; she’d ending up damaging or destroying almost every single one. Every time she stepped hoof in his kitchen it seemed that something was bound to go wrong, and at this point the hapless cook was just a little paranoid, and even grew nervous at the mere mention of her name.
If anything, Derpy certainly didn’t enjoy being in the kitchen any more than Tiny enjoyed having her there; she felt terrible any time she burnt a dish or some part of his kitchen, and most of the time she had as little a notion as to just exactly how it’d happened as Tiny did. If they’d both had their way, she’d just stay out of there entirely; unfortunately Dämons Hengst and Aucune insisted that Derpy get to know and grow accustomed to every part of Die Schmiede’s community in her chores, and so she still had to do kitchen duty on a regular basis, much to Tiny’s and her own dismay.
The bells of the castle clock tolled six times, stirring Derpy from her troubled slumber. She hadn’t really gotten that much rest in the extra hour she’d had with the early dismissal from her studies; she’d just been too fixated on the impending disaster she was sure the next hour in the kitchens would prove to be yet again.
Ah well, no use in putting it off or avoiding it. Gonna happen one way or another, so might as well get it over with.
Trudging over to a small wooden basin in the corner of her cell, Derpy splashed a few hooffuls of cold water on her face, wiping some of the grime and sweat away along with the last remnants of sleep still lingering upon her. Giving her mane and tail a few good shakes and splaying her wings wide as she stretched and gave a great yawn, Derpy hopped in place a few times, now fully awake and alert.
C’mon Derps, you got this, no problemo. It’s just an hour in the kitchen and then you’re done for the day. What’s the worst that could happen?
…
…
…
You know what, I’m not even gonna answer that, cause no good can possibly come of it. Let’s just get this over with.
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It's awesome to see that you're still working on this story! And not only that, but you have multiple chapters prepared for the upcoming week?! I am in awe!
In regards to this current chapter, what I really like about it is how much it shows of the training that Derpy receives and how that will contribute to her becoming a kick-ass crime fighter in the future. In Batman Begins, we got some scenes of him engaging in balancing training, learning about "special powders" and the relative nature of invisibility, and sword-fighting on a lake, but not much of the education that would not only make him a first-rate tactician, but also an intellect worthy of the title "World's Greatest Detective." Here, we see the true depth of the physical and mental training provided by The Order of Extraordinary Ponies. Like Aucune, I am intrigued to find out just what sort of psychological limitation is hindering Derpy from progressing and achieving her desires, and just what sort of inner demons she has inside of her. There's some hint of parental issues (which is par the course for a Batman-inspired crossover fic), but even with that, I'm sure whatever does get revealed will not only be logical with how Derpy's been portrayed in your fic, but also a well thought-out glimpse into her psychological makeup given the thoroughness and depth of your writing thus far.
Other things I liked? Aucune's rant on cutie marks was certainly thought-provoking, and brings to mind debates on the difference between Fate and Free Will. I sense a little foreshadowing in that the Order's fall on the "Free Will" side of the discussion could cause them to regard the rest of Equestria as "complacent" for its citizens' tendency to give in to the "Fate" side. Rome was complacent and corrupt too, and certain Orders and Leagues tend to take offense to that.
The bits of shout-out to the Winningverse were a nice touch, though personally I could either take them or leave them (though I too am a big fan of Chengar Qordath's stories). In regards to your writing, as always it is excellent and very well-crafted. The characters are well portrayed, the narrative flows naturally and at a good pace, and everything included seems relevant to helping move the main plot forward. 
In all, I am very excited to see the continuation of this story and where you go with it. Keep up the great work!!
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You pretty much hit the nail on the head in all of your observations, and I'm glad you appreciate the level of detail. 
I still can't believe you think I did something better than "Batman Begins", that is seriously the highest praise I could possibly imagine receiving!!! So once again, thank you, thank you, thank you!!! 
Oh wow, thank you sooooo much for that excellent bit of feedback!
Oh, and as for the Winningverse stuff, trust me, that first bit was, in my own opinion, a bit gratuitous, though I did think it still worked as far as the scene itself went. But trust me, Clan Kicker's going to be worked in well; they're not just going to show up out of nowhere when it makes absolutely no sense, uh uh. They'll show up when they need to and in a logical fashion. In fact, without giving too much away, let me just say that Cloud's actually NOT going to be the first Kicker to appear in this fic!
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“Most ponies believe they know the full extent of their abilities when they receive their cutie mark, as though it is some sort of tablet with the roadmap to life etched into it. Even worse, others often get a cutie mark whose meaning eludes them and everypony else, or may not even obtain one until years after most of their peers. These ponies behave lost, unable to seize or even know their own destinies since they are so latched to the idea that their cutie marks must determine it for them, and the worst part of it all is that everypony else treats them exactly the same, leaving these poor, misguided souls behind to wither on the vine. It’s insane, immoral, and an injustice plain and simple!”
Yeah, this almost seems like a quasi-CMC reference and the troubles they've had to deal with in the show, just because they've tried a bazillion different things and are yet to get a Mark.
From one stand point... VERY good case on cutie marks. On another, and this is just what I'VE taken Derpy's cutie mark to mean... Her talent is sensing air currents. I mean bubbles? They tend to be very DELICATE when it comes air currents, drifting wherever the air is blowing so that actually makes sense.... Just saying a little theory of mine
C3
Clunky, and by that I (and probably most other editors who’d use the word) uncomfortably long. Generally, you want quick, snappy sentences for snappy moments, and vice versa for slow, immersive ones. But that’s not the issue - the issue is that your descriptors chain together very inelegantly and if I were to read it with breath I’d find my tongue twisting awkwardly at certain points, somewhat similar to this sentence actually.
Bolded parts are the offenders. Cut stuff out/rephrase or reword/make new sentences where you have continuations of an idea (I think the proper term for it is compounding?)
I’m going to hazard the guess that you wrote this part at a later date than you did the previous bits.
“Actually” is used for contrast, specifically of the contrary (opposite) kind. There was, however, no sign of Derpy ever thinking lunch was not a good idea. So why would you use something that brings a wrong connotation, like an uncle that brings a cheese platter and dried mango to a funeral?
Additionally, “Ya know” implies suggestion, an impromptu idea, or conceding agreement. Neither of these fit Derpy’s situation exactly, so it sounds... odd.
This philosophy governs a lot of word choice cases - simply using the words with the right connotations for the situation. For you, dialogue seems to be a region where your innate sense slips a little. A good way of polishing up, if you’re dead set on it, is to open up your text editor and delete everything but the lines in quotes (and maybe the subject tag if you think you might get lost). Strip everything else and you can see how the scene flows as we read it, since we try to hold dialogue as a priority in the memory as of compared to when writing, where the next line takes priority regardless of what it’s about.
Refreshing is a weird word to use for Derpy’s first meal of the day. Maybe “satisfying” or “hearty” are the droids you’re looking for.
Awfully contrived-sounding innit >_>
One of these things means the same as the other...
Okay, so I said just five, but I gotta mention: you lead off from “there they walked along the battlements” into some dialogue, and then Aucune goes straight into his lesson. And it snowed the day before. Just strikes me as a really random point in their walking to just, eh, plop down and philosophize... Also, holy moly dialogue infodumpy-philosophy real fast outta nowhere. I want you to look at something:
These are good pieces of writing that can shine properly if you’d ease up a bit on the surrounding stuff. Even the dialogue itself plays on an interesting topic, but:
you’ve only just introduced it and it’s not intriguing enough for you to play it on us so eagerly;
2) the sudden shake-up in the pacing of the story is kind of a putoff.
See, you’ve got these good descriptors of snow and walking and the dialogue’s fairly easy to follow, though I’m of the inclination that you should go to every single one of Aucune’s dialogue chunks and rewrite, cut, or replace with body language or Derpy’s perspective at least 30%. Especially that boulder of a history lesson - you know the one. Not only does it look aesthetically disheartening, a lot of the verbal flair gets in the way. Aucune had a sense of personality when he wasn’t being a Plot Device. Here, he doesn’t steal the scene - that phrase has a good connotation - he derails it.
Notice another thing: Derpy gets about one line of dialogue, consisting of two or three words, for every 100+ words Aucune says.
Think about that.
Who’s your main character again?
Now, why is it exactly that this happens? I’m going to guess and say that you wanted to move the plot along and get to the juicier parts, but first you had to do some establishing about Aucune. I understand the sentiment.
I’m here to assure you that the establishing stuff is the juicy part. Yes, backstory and philosophy are capable of holding equal footing as action and magic and intrigue. Just look at Background Pony. But note what SS&E does, and this is key to almost anything - the philosophy is weaved in with interaction. To get interaction you must have at least two parties present. And to keep Derpy present, you have to shore up her perspective in the matter.
You have to have her thinking and reacting to the points he raises, or have her seeing or feeling things as he talks. They’re standing on a cold mountain after a snowy night, for goodness’ sake - there’s a mine of things you can tap into to keep Derpy relevant. This kind of thing is necessary also for the angry outburst you want to pull off several paragraphs later, because as it is now, Derpy suddenly getting riled just feels random and even plain -
Don’t outright tell me that! Show me - “She snapped back to reality”
oop there goes gravity; “At this, her ears shot up”; “A heat bubbled up her stomach” or something that leads in excellently if you just put in some buildup feelings/perspective before. And you’d want to do this because it sends across a much more vivid, visceral scene that gives it the weight it deserves, as Derpy’s first proper conflict with Aucune.In fact, by doing this, I am asking you to take it slower. Yes. Really slide behind Derpy’s eyes, into the thought chamber, and get some intriguing tension in there as she thinks for herself just what it means.
Don’t push things too far. Please. =( This would have been a nice, punchy moment otherwise - don’t telegraph your character decisions through personal thought of all channels, if at all.
Thankfully, the next section is nicely done.
Well, here we go.
Half of me is thinking: screw the schedule recap. That’s 970 words that you’ve completely blown the adrenaline aftermath from the running scene on. But there’s some interesting details in there that add to the sense of your world... but I’m still not convinced that you couldn’t at least summarize it in fleeting form into a single, three-line paragraph. Doing that will let you keep the momentum from your running scene, and, almost more importantly, lets you delete that horribly boring, bore-flagging stump of a sentence I quoted up there. Certainly, while it brings a small degree of value, we don’t need it. Your present scene is strong enough for us to really not care too much that we don’t know what happened the past month. And that’s a very good thing - it means your flow is alive and working. And for gap-filling, the last cooking scene does that remarkably well (though you might want to look at that with an eye to break some paragraphs up).
Have you ever been excited to read the words “She reflected upon the past month”? Does that promise you any action or intrigue or engagement? Probably not, because if it did, it wouldn’t have been swept aside in a timeskip for something else - something better.
You can, however, keep the history scene, though. The reason is because it’s got good interaction, and you’d be surprised at how much stuff you could pull off if you wrote it into a form of interaction.
This is the rare exception of a large paragraph that you can keep. Reason being that it shows a softer side to Aucune - genuine concern - that tempers the scenario dynamics nicely. Also because it’s full of perspective, not hard facts (or hard philosophy worded as fact).
The cooking scene is also very nicely done. Nice humorous semi-cliffhanger ending, too.
So we’re at the end of the review.
Looking back, I gotta ask you: do you really, really need to push the whole parallel-to-Batman thing? You could put “Inspired by Batman” in the Author’s Notes, change the title and cover description (please do trim it down, by the way. The stump at the end past the Twilight's Library ribbon is too... gushy. Save it for the A/N perhaps) remove the Crossover tag, and you’d instantly appeal to a much wider audience. It’s your choice, man, but it’s a pity that people might not pick this up for a weak if not non-existent crossover trait.
It’s with mixed feelings that I say that under different circumstances, if your story had been just that much better, I would have swallowed this hook, line and sinker. You’re a good author with good writing chops. I am saying this with the confidence of a Seattle’s Angels member and former EqD pre-reader but let’s just keep this between us. I am also following you in the off-chance that you write another piece, because I'd like to see you apply your touch to a dynamic that you resonate with much more naturally than the odd Derpy-Aucune thing going on at the beginning.
It's now up to you to mull over things. What exactly constitutes your style? I've been throwing at you a lot of hard statements and questions that may have got you wondering, or at least reacting - these are all important for you to make your next decision. I like your style. Refinement doesn't mean change. But not all advice is pure refinement...
I hope this helps, and please - keep writing.
Your writing definitely improved since the first chapter, and I'm enjoying how you're portraying Derpy as, well, Derpy. Yes, her character development is going on a more serious and believable route as time goes on, but at the same time her core character is still the same. Good job with that.
I'm loving this so far. Can't wait to see what happens next.
What is Aucune's C.M. ?
and maybe the othes ?
I read all of Aucune's dialogue in David Warner's voice and nobody can stop me!