A rich man with a new life

by applejack2357

RJ's reawakening

I awoke with a gasp. I started breathing heavily. I started thinking that it was a dream. I was in a cold sweat, looking at my hooves. Then I knew: it wasn’t a dream, and I just had surgery to save my life. It was dark; I could hardly see a thing. Then I heard a very loud snore. It scared the crap out of me. I look to where it came from to see Spike in that tiny-ass bed that Twilight had for him. That’s when I realized I was in Twilight’s bed. I got up, my side hurting from the surgery I just had making it hard to stand, and I walked over to the mirror that was across from me for the first real look of myself.

I was a unicorn; I was light brown with a reddish-brown mane and tail. My eyes were bright green, kind of like the Changelings. I also had a bandage on, but that was pretty much a ‘no durr’. I thought I looked pretty decent, though I had no Cutie Mark. Wait, no Cutie Mark?! How is that possible? How can I be an adult without a Cutie Mark? That’s just embarrassing! I could only wonder what the others thought of me if they noticed at all! Then I remembered I had clothes on and I sighed in relief. I looked over at the pile of clothes next to Twilight’s bed. They were all solid black; my favorite color. Not a single speck of white in sight.

Looking up at the clock, I realized it was five o’ clock in the morning. I heaved a long sigh, and then was going to get back in bed, and talk to the rest of the ponies in the morning.

Then I heard a shuffling downstairs.

I got back out of bed and went to the top of the stairs, but I got down so no one could see me. Nurse Redheart was there talking with Twilight I was just close enough to hear them.

“So, will he be ok, then?” Twilight asked.

“Well….” She said in an unsure way.

“What do you mean, ‘well’?”

“If he doesn’t wake up soon…”

Twilight stared at her.

“… I’m gonna call it.”

Then I realized what was going on. They thought I was dead. Something must have happened during the surgery. What, I don’t know. I started thinking: what should I do? Should I just walk out and say that I’m ok? Or should I try and prank them? Though pranking them would be absolutely fucking hilarious, it wouldn’t be right of me, considering they think I’m dying or am dead. I then decided what to do. I was gonna-

“SPIKE!”

Oh shit. Oh fuck. Twilight is calling for Spike. I crawled back into bed as fast as I could as to not be swarmed with ponies when they find out I’m ok. Right as I got in bed, Twilight comes running up the stairs. Looking over at me, she sighs then looks to Spike.

“Spike, wake up. We got some digging to do.” She started getting tears in her eyes. Then it hit me: Redheart had called it on me. I had to do something.

“Twilight?” I said softly. She looked up at me, unsure if I was the one who spoke or not. So I spoke again.

“What do you need to dig for?” She smiled. She wiped the tears from her eyes, and then spoke.

“It’s nice to know you’re ok.” She looked back at Spike, who never woke up in the first place, and just sat there smiling. That was highly unexpected, though. I thought she would run over here, making who knows how much noise, attracting everyone else in here, and then I wouldn’t be able to get some rest. Maybe I need to stop watching so many movies.

I slowly crawled out of bed, and walked over to her. She looked up to me with that big smile, tears still in her eyes. I slowly wiped the tears from her eyes, and spoke.

“There is no need to be upset. I’m ok. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to walk over here.”

“I know, it’s just…” She stopped for a second.

“You were very injured. Rainbow broke three of your ribs and punctured your lung. During the surgery, you had massive blood loss from your chest, and then had a seizure. Redheart wasn’t even sure you would survive through the surgery.”

“Holy crap.” I said.

“Hey, watch your language,” She said softly, “That started the Equestrian Revolution back in the 1800’s”

Wow, I thought, a whole war caused by some language? That’s crazy.

“We were all so worried about you, Arjay, especially Pinkie. We thought it was a little strange, but it was probably just her Hyperactive Compulsive Disorder kicking in.” She said.

“Well, that wouldn’t be a first.” I said. She giggled, and then she spoke again.

“Well, you should probably get some rest. I’ll tell the others you are ok, and you go ahead and-“

“Hold on, Twilight.” I already knew what she was trying to do, and I wasn’t going to let her do it. “This is your bed Twilight. You need to sleep in it.”

“Well, where will you sleep?”

“I don’t mind sleeping on the floor. I used to do it all the time when I was younger. Then again, there’s always Spike’s bed. I’ll bunk with him if I have to.”

We both looked over at Spike, then at each other. We both laughed at the thought of me sleeping in Spike’s bed. After we stopped laughing, she looked at me and smiled.

“Thank you, Arjay.”

“Hey, it’s what I do.”

She gave me a hug, and then crawled into her bed. I couldn’t believe it. It was like a dream come true. I have always wanted to hug her, considering she is my favorite, but her hugging me is close enough. I then went downstairs. Everyone was asleep, but Nurse Redheart was still there.

“Hmm…” She said then walked out the door. I looked over at the others. They were all asleep next to each other, except for Pinkie, who happened to be sprawled out on top of them. I giggled, and then walked into the kitchen. After getting myself a glass of water, I went back upstairs, and laid down on the floor. It took me a while to fall back asleep, for the floor was a lot harder than I remembered, but I wasn’t going to complain about it. Letting a lady sleep on the floor in her own house? Not gonna happen. I eventually fell asleep, thinking about all the fun I was going to have tomorrow.

Comments

[bookwormbrony]

Woohoo! New chapter!

[moviemaster8510]

Chapter 5:

I was a unicorn; I was light brown with a reddish-brown mane and tail. My eyes were bright green, kind of like the Changelings. I also had a bandage on, but that was pretty much a ‘no durr’. I thought I looked pretty decent, though I had no Cutie Mark. Wait, no Cutie Mark?! How is that possible? How can I be an adult without a Cutie Mark? That’s just embarrassing! I could only wonder what the others thought of me if they noticed at all! Then I remembered I had clothes on and I sighed in relief. I looked over at the pile of clothes next to Twilight’s bed. They were all solid black; my favorite color. Not a single speck of white in sight.

I will hand it to you: your OC design is actually quite normal, which is actually quite refreshing amidst the ocean of red-and-black alicorn OCs out on this site. However, this is the first time reading this fic that you mention having clothes (which I can now use as an answer for where you kept your wallet). Just be sure to explain your character's appearance next time: don't rely on people using the story image as a guide; you're the author, so you have to describe this stuff and flesh out your world for us.

Then I realized what was going on. They thought I was dead. Something must have happened during the surgery. What, I don’t know. I started thinking: what should I do? Should I just walk out and say that I’m ok? Or should I try and prank them? Though pranking them would be absolutely fucking hilarious,

it wouldn’t be right of me,

considering they think I’m dying or am dead. I then decided what to do. I was gonna-

Damn right it wouldn't. I can see that your character is (sort of) changing for the better, the change from asshole to good guy is WAY too sudden. It's as if you're ashamed of the character that you originally wrote, so you just scrapped that personality throughout the next chapters to make him better. Like I said, you either have to lie in the bed that you made and continue making RJ an asshole (while obviously (gradually) progressing into a better person), or you make him a good person from the get go. This is a situation in which you can't have your cake and eat it too.

“Twilight?” I said softly. She looked up at me, unsure if I was the one who spoke or not. So I spoke again.
“What do you need to dig for?” She smiled. She wiped the tears from her eyes, and then spoke.

You don't break the paragraph when you still keep speaking. This is the proper format:

“Twilight?” I said softly. She looked up at me, unsure if I was the one who spoke or not. So I spoke again. “What do you need to dig for?”

She smiled. She wiped the tears from her eyes, and then spoke.

“It’s nice to know you’re ok.” She looked back at Spike, who never woke up in the first place, and just sat there smiling. That was highly unexpected, though. I thought she would run over here, making who knows how much noise, attracting everyone else in here, and then I wouldn’t be able to get some rest. Maybe I need to stop watching so many movies.

How would that be unexpected? Twilight knows that you broke your ribs and punctured a lung. She, of all the Mane 6, would respect the fact that you would need some rest, peace, and quiet, especially with it being as early in the morning as it is.

I slowly crawled out of bed, and walked over to her. She looked up to me with that big smile, tears still in her eyes. I slowly wiped the tears from her eyes, and spoke.

“There is no need to be upset. I’m ok. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to walk over here.”

“I know, it’s just…” She stopped for a second.

“You were very injured. Rainbow broke three of your ribs and punctured your lung. During the surgery, you had massive blood loss from your chest, and then had a seizure. Redheart wasn’t even sure you would survive through the surgery.”

1. That was pretty ballsy of RJ to touch Twilight's face like that. They've known each other all of a few minutes; slow down Casanova.

2. How IS RJ able to walk with broken ribs? They may live in a land of magic, but that doesn't mean instantaneous healing (just look at Rainbow Dash in Read it and Weep).

3. How does one get "massive blood loss from the chest" from broken limbs? If the force in which Rainbow Dash hit him was enough to cause a compound fracture, I think the force would have probably also shattered RJ's spine, killing him instantly, or at the very least, paralyzing him. Internal bleeding caused from that, especially if it was "massive blood loss" would cause his other organs to shut down and eventually kill him. If the lung began filling up with blood, especially if it was "massive blood loss", he more than likely would have drowned in his own blood before Twilight could do anything with him. Either way, he would be far from fine, dandy, and walking around like he is. He'd be in an EXTREMELY unstable condition.

“We were all so worried about you, Arjay, especially Pinkie. We thought it was a little strange, but it was probably just her Hyperactive Compulsive Disorder kicking in.” She said.

“Well, that wouldn’t be a first.” I said. She giggled, and then she spoke again.

“Well, you should probably get some rest. I’ll tell the others you are ok, and you go ahead and-“

“Hold on, Twilight.” I already knew what she was trying to do, and I wasn’t going to let her do it. “This is your bed Twilight. You need to sleep in it.”
“Well, where will you sleep?”

“I don’t mind sleeping on the floor. I used to do it all the time when I was younger. Then again, there’s always Spike’s bed. I’ll bunk with him if I have to.”

We both looked over at Spike, then at each other. We both laughed at the thought of me sleeping in Spike’s bed. After we stopped laughing, she looked at me and smiled.

“Thank you, Arjay.”

“Hey, it’s what I do.”

Yeah, no. Twilight would insist on having RJ sleep in her bed. With as bad as his injuries were, sleeping on the floor would be about as dangerous as a diabetic eating an entire box of Thin Mints and down it with a 2 liter of Coca Cola. It's really not so much a matter of generosity and selflessness, it's about making sure RJ would heal.

Second of all, when the hell did RJ become so courteous? So he won't spend money that he hates having towards an operation to save his family from leukemia (instead spending it on $2500 headphones), yet he'll allow a fictional cartoon pony whom he's met for all of five minutes to have her bed and sleep on the floor, which, by doing so could cause him further injury? Glad to see that a cartoon character holds more importance over his own family.

I'm not buying it. You really did yourself in with that first chapter, and now you're paying the consequences.

She gave me a hug, and then crawled into her bed. I couldn’t believe it. It was like a dream come true. I have always wanted to hug her, considering she is my favorite, but her hugging me is close enough. I then went downstairs. Everyone was asleep, but Nurse Redheart was still there.

But I thought Applejack was your favorite...

And what about Pinkie Pie?

....

Oh, PLEASE tell me you aren't going there.

“Hmm…” She said then walked out the door. I looked over at the others. They were all asleep next to each other, except for Pinkie, who happened to be sprawled out on top of them. I giggled, and then walked into the kitchen. After getting myself a glass of water, I went back upstairs, and laid down on the floor. It took me a while to fall back asleep, for the floor was a lot harder than I remembered, but I wasn’t going to complain about it. Letting a lady sleep on the floor in her own house? Not gonna happen. I eventually fell asleep, thinking about all the fun I was going to have tomorrow.

Fun tomorrow? Unless fun involves healing your injuries, I don't think much "fun" is going to happen.
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Your writing style has gotten better, but as of now, your story feels rushed and your character is WAY too dissonant personality-wise for me to enjoy this story.