To Equestria we go
“I hate the cold weather.”
I walked into the castle dour, the red carpet nice and soft on my hooves. I looked around at the paneled windows that were stained with the adventure of the six ponies that had saved Equestria many times before.
Nightmare Moon…
Discord…
Sombra…
I walked up to the princess that sat on her throne. I stopped before her, and bowed a deep bow.
“It is now time to make a choice,” the princess said, reading a scroll that stayed lazily in front of her face, “You can stay, or you can go back.”
***
It all started a while ago, in my home in New York. I wasn’t always a pony; as a matter of fact, I used to be human. I used to be quite rich, too. I owned a company called BLI, or Bionic Legs, Incorporated. I was considered a nice person. A lot of people loved talking with me. However, I always felt lonely, like something inside me was missing. I wasn’t very outspoken, like most people in my position would be.
When I was younger, I was put up for adoption. If I can remember correctly, I was there for about three years before I was finally adopted by Mr. and Mrs. Johansen. That’s the last name I stuck with. My first name is Robert. Everyone calls me RJ, though, even my foster parents. They were a very kind family. They always treated me right. Even spoiled me a little.
When I was 18, I went looking for my biological parents. After months of searching, I found my father in Alcona County Jail in Michigan, and my mother in Augusta Cemetery in Texas. My father was on death row for killing my mother. His time came a week before.
Staying with my foster parents until I was twenty, I finally got my own place. It was a small one-room apartment with everything a normal house had in sight. The job I had really didn’t pay well, so that was all I could afford. However, I started getting really in to robotics during this time, and I started working on human robotic parts.
Eventually, after four years of working at this dead-end job, all hell broke loose in the third world war. During this ten year war, everyone started using a new compound chemical only known as C350. This chemical literally ate your flesh and bone until there was nothing left. Millions of people cut off their own limbs to stop this chemical from killing them. I was one of the very few people who did not come in contact with this chemical, but out of this, I made a profit out of selling my bionic arms and legs to those who did. After the war, I started becoming really famous, BLI was born, and I employed a quarter of a million people, most of which had these bionic limbs themselves. For about ten years, I led this company with an iron fist, but a heart of gold. Towards the end of the ninth year, I began watching a television show adorned by many, called My Little Pony. The show really started having an impact on my life, for the ponies in that show, though not real (or at least, so I thought), really taught me to strive to be better everyday.
Anyways, one day while I was listening to some music with my two hundred dollar headphones, I decided I was going to go out to eat. After grabbing my car keys, I was about to walk out the door, when suddenly, I felt paralyzed. I began falling over. Unable to stop myself, I hit my face on the floor. After that, I couldn’t remember anything. At least, until I found myself lying in a field of grass.
The cold grass tickled my nose a I awoke in a field. Looking around, all I saw was grass, until I had completely turned around. I saw a big red barn with white stripes, with a large grey roof. I had no idea where I was, not even the slightest clue. I reached for my arm to pinch myself to see if I was dreaming. However, I was unable to, considering I was hoofed instead. I started having panic-induced breathing, but with three words, spoken by someone behind me, that all changed.
“Hey, you there!”
I turned around, and gasped. Walking towards me was another pony. This pony was orange coated with glistening blonde mane and tail, and a light brown cowboy hat on top that came off her head slightly with each galloping step she took towards me. I immediately recognized her as Applejack. That’s when it hit me: That was Applejack, I was at Sweet Apple Acres, and I was in Equestria. With all these thoughts rushing through my mind, I started becoming light-headed, barely managing to stay up.
She got close and I could tell by the look in her eyes that she was examining me. After about a minute of silence, she spoke.
“Why are you here on my farm?” she said, squinting slightly. I was speechless; standing in front of me was Applejack, element of honesty, and I didn’t know what to say.
“I said, why are you on my farm?” she said impatiently. I have to say something to her, I thought, but don’t screw it up.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know how I got here,” I said slowly, “I just woke up in your field. Forgive me, Applejack.”
“Well, that’s quite alri- wait a second. How did you know my name?” she said.
Dammit, I thought, I screwed it up anyways! Now I was stuck. Nothing else I could do. She was going to find out everything about me, where I’m from, all of it.
“Well?”
I squinted slightly, then took a deep breath.
“Hi, Applejack! Who’s that? Can I meet him? Huh, huh, huh?”
Saved by Pinkie Pie, I thought as I looked over to her. She stopped a couple meters from us with a large smile. Her curled magenta mane and tail really reminds me of cotton candy, and her pink cat reminds me of taffy. Good thing she’s the candy girl. Her blues eyes were locked on Applejack’s green eyes, and Applejack’s were locked upon me.
“What’s your name there, stranger?” Applejack said, looking at me.
“Um, RJ.” I said.
“Arjay, huh?” she said. She began smiling deviously, then I knew what she was up to.
“Of course you can meet him, Pinkie.” She said. Pinkie began bouncing towards me, and I knew I was in trouble. Applejack was going to use Pinkie Pie as a weapon against me to make me talk like an open book. Bitch, I thought. I wasn’t strong enough to handle her. It’s over.
I won’t give in, I won’t give in, I thought as Pinkie got closer.
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Oh, for the love of all that is holy, please let this be a trollfic. I mean, a depressed man winds up in Equestria where everypony is inexplicably falling in love with him? Are you serious?
This is quite possibly the most overdone plot ever.
I actually think that this is kinda funny, I would like to see more.
i hope their will be another chapter this is a good idea you should continue
1972529 You don't read a lot, do you?
Shit bro, sounds like you've got it mad-
Let's just go through this step by step.
First off, and you can argue that I was guilty of it too, but you shouldn't introduce your character the way that you just did. The problem is that many people (and you're no better), use the "Hi, my name is..." approach to introducing their character, and then they just start giving the cliffnotes of what I presume was the story and then decide to call it the story. So your grandpa gave you a mansion. How did he get the mansion? Was he rich too? Did he build it? Explain. And Bionic Leg Inc. sells bionic legs.
How original.
And seriously? Leg Disease of 2015? Was "Super Icky Shrively Leg Syndrome" already taken? And you bring up this horrible and oddly specific disease and just drop it? Not even going to bother telling the reader how this affects the world? Your lack of detail and descriptions are giving me a migraine.
Also, what the hell is with the second paragraph? His "family" died of leukemia? Does that include his uncles, aunts, and cousins too? And so your "family" (who I assume to be parents) contracted this disease, but I can see that Robert didn't even bother to dip into the $90,000,000 salary that he apparently HATES to give them a bone marrow transplant. Fucking asshole. And way to just throw the "dead parents" in there to sadfuck the reader into feeling sorry for him.
brandmanagementllc.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/newsjacking.jpg
It failed miserably.
And no friends? Your character makes a fortune in a day, and he can't find a way to make ANY friends? With all the people that he probably meets on a daily basis, given his vaguely described job and enormous salary, he can't connect to one person? I'm calling bullshit.
Right now, your character sounds like some whiny, impudent brat who spends his days moping about how he doesn't have friends, yet he has plenty of money and plenty of opportunity in his life to do so. And when given the chance to save his family from a disease, he doesn't, instead complaining about all the money that he has that he could have used to save them. All the while, he seems to have a penchant for saying "fucking" a lot, just in his inner monologue, so we can add "immature" to his character traits. Really, there's only one way to describe this guy:
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Oh, let me count the ways...
Alright moving on.
And so, despite being the CEO of a multimillion dollar company, and despite all that I've talked to about this guys choices so far, he somehow manages to find time for an innocent cartoon for kids. Just to clarify, he has plenty of opportunities to make his own friends, but instead spends that time watching My Little Pony (not "Ponies" as you put it). Words cannot describe my hate for your character right now.
Wow, you said "fucking" again. What a cool and mature person your character is, I'm so glad we get to follow him for the rest of this story. And about the whole "no one would notice I was gone" bit. Um, he's the CEO of a million dollar company, with thousands, if not, millions of employees working under him. I think some one would notice. If you're going to argue that it's because of his awful attitude of life that repels people from him, which is why he doesn't have friends, then that's your character's fault. Why should I feel sorry for some asshole who goes around being an asshole to people?
You see, the problem with the character of "rich guy with everything money could buy who's also sad and depressed" is that it's too conflicting. Under proper writing, it could work, but you make this character out to be a massively wealthy individual so the reader thinks he's cool, but make him sad and depressed so we feel sorry for him. Sorry, it doesn't work like that. We know next to nothing about your character. We don't see how not having friends really affects him, or see what he does on a daily basis that would not have him make friends to begin with. If you developed your character, we could possibly sympathize with him. But with the little that you've given us, Robert is, as Brendan Gleeson put it, a cunt.
i1149.photobucket.com/albums/o595/moviemaster8510/FuckYou_zpsd8f0529f.jpg
Glad to see that that bone marrow transplant money was invested towards a good cause. Seriously, don't start trying to make your character cool now. He's still a massive cunt.
Cheap things? The guy with an impossibly large TV and impossibly expensive headphones is going on saying how he bought cheap things.
RJ...
How imaginative and descriptive.
However, to be fair, your character's reaction to being in Equestria is more realistic than how some authors do it (they're totally cool with it). But we're not done yet. When a new character speaks, always break into a new paragraph, otherwise, it becomes impossible for a reader to know who's talking when.
Other than that, it seems like "RJ" as we now shall call him, has just fucked up royally in almost spilling the beans to Applejack's and her friends' origin.
Judging from RJ's situation, I really can't see how his relationship to the Mane 6 is going to go well after this.
RJ: Hi, I'm RJ. I'm from a completely different world where I'm a bipedal primate called a human. Also, I like to watch a television show that features you and your friends as characters, which is why I knew your name.
Applejack and Pinkie Pie: Seems legit.
Final Thoughts: Your pacing is incredibly rushed along with your characterization and descriptions, producing one of the most loathsome fanfic characters in recent memory. I would heavily recommend junking this story and starting over, using other and highly more successful stories as an outline. What makes the reader want to follow the character that we're supposed to be following? If he has emotional issues, expand on them and how do they react with his life? Right now, I can answer these questions.
1. I don't want to follow RJ. He's a prodigal shit who complains about being rich and not having friends when he has opportunity to do so, instead squandering that opportunity to watch a group of fictional characters be friends with each other, vicariously (I assume, you never explain why you like the show) living their friendship through it.
2. You don't. All you've told me in the story is how he doesn't have friends or family and he mopes about it. Right now, all we have to go by are absurd extremes, which sounds like the whining of a angsty teenager than a 34 year old CEO.
And that's my piece. Ciao.
To moviemaster8150: I see your point.... There are no words to describe the amount of screw-ups and mistakes that I made.
However, I plan to fix them to make the character more descriptive and a better plot to the story in this chapter, and the next.
To Gherin8088: I regret to inform you that this indeed is not a trollfic. This is how the story is going to go. I am absolutely dead serious.
1973129
1970865
Please read the comment below.
Hm? A rich brony in Equestria story? Never seen that before. Alright, let's take a look. *ignorning lengthy reviews in comments for now* Be right back.
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...I don't even know where to begin... The main character is very unlikable, the story screams "self insert", Gary Stu and "Wish fulfillment" so much that it hurts my ears and the canon characters... Oh, the characters... the OOC hits my mind like a sledge hammer. But to be fair, I have seen alot worse examples of OOC canon characters and Gary Stu MCs than this though. Living The Dream... *shudder*
Anyway, let's talk a little about our "hero" Robbie, eh? Like I said, he is obnoxiously unlikable and a perfect example of wish fulfillment and a self-insert - not to mention incredibly whiny. In fact, the only protagonists in MLP:FiM fiction I have ever hated more is Lance Greenfield from LTD and Flare from *insert name of whatever the hell that piece of filth fic is called here*. Alright, so his entire family died of leukemia, we're supposed to sympathize with him; pity that's the only thing we have to go on. If I was a Multi-millionaire the last thing I would do would be bitching about it and a pissing show for little girls would not be the only thing keeping me happy. It would actually be really low on the list.
And people say they want to be him when they also say he's no fun to be around? Hello? Are they deliberately contradicting themselves or do they want to live like a total recluse? Who's also a sodding whiner?
I'm actually afraid to make a story about my own rich OC now (only that humanized Mane six comes to earth and not vice versa). I honestly don't think it's a good idea anymore...
Anyway, take moviemaster8510's advice about junking this into consideration. If not, at least heavily edit it to make it somewhat enjoyable.
A few minor things:
"I stopped before her, and bowed a deep bow." sounds a bit stiff to my ear. Maybe "I stopped before her, bowing deeply."
And for this:
"I began watching a television show adorned by many," I think the word you're looking for is "adored".
For this:
"When I was 18, I went looking for my biological parents. After months of searching, I found my father in Alcona County Jail in Michigan, and my mother in Augusta Cemetery in Texas. My father was on death row for killing my mother. His time came a week before."
That could be pretty powerful, but it just seems to come and go without impact other than to try to make the reader feel more sympathy. Unless you're hinting that his having a hard time making friends is due to some personality problems he inherited, which could make sense but might need to be made more obvious.
Still, I think you must have improved the first chapter a lot from the initial version.