I woke up the next day, once again, in Twilight’s bed. Slowly getting up, I made her bed and walked down the stairs. I smelled Spike’s cooking, and, considering he made the same thing as he did yesterday, I came close to puking. My stomach is just too weak. However, I decided to man up and go for it. I walked into the kitchen and sat down, though I did not expect Rainbow to be here. She looked at me with a smile.
“Hey, Arjay! After breakfast, you ready to see that stunt I made?” She said. Of course, I have the memory of a brick, so of course I didn’t remember, until she said something. That is how my brain works, unfortunately. It’s a nuisance.
“Of course I remember!” I said slowly, “Why wouldn’t I?”
“Don’t forget about our tour of the town, either!” Twilight piped up, “At exactly 11:00, the tour will commence, but until then, I will be reading that book that I have been reading.”
“I thought you were going to come watch Rainbow, too” I said.
“We rescheduled it for later.” She said, putting down a fourth plate for Rainbow.
“Got it.” I said, watching a Spike serve up the dragon’s egg. After everyone was served, Spike insisted Rainbow takes the first bite, just like he did with me. Of course, she fucking loved it, and was already asking for more before anypony else was even halfway done. Spike considered it a compliment and gave her more. For the rest of breakfast, we sat in silence, except for Rainbow, who ate rather noisily. After a third serving she was ready to go.
“You ready to go, Arjay?” she said, wings extended and a grin on her face.
“Let’s do it!” I say.
As we were walking out the door, she stopped and looked at me.
“Could I use your MP3 player again?” She asked.
“Of course! I don’t see any reason not to.” I say, grabbing them and following her out. I followed her to the park, where she took me to an area where nopony else goes. I could tell by the fact that there were various plants growing on the path, and the brush was very thick.
“Uh, Rainbow, are you sure this is safe for you to fly around in?” I ask, unsure of where we were even going.
“Of course it’s safe! I fly around out here all the time!” She said proudly. Obviously to her, flying out here is a big deal. Eventually we come to a small clearing, where the trees were tall enough to barely see the sky above. I did not trust this at all.
“Does anypony else know where this is?” I asked, a little nervous.
“No, you are the first person I’ve told about this awesome place.” She looked at me. “You won’t tell anyone, will you?”
“No, no. Of course not.” I said, looking at our surroundings. Guessing by the thickness of the trees, I could tell that we were in a completely soundproof location. I bit my lower lip as Rainbow walked over to me. I handed her the MP3 player and headphones. She put them on, and the first song she played happens to be one of my favorites, When I’m Gone by 3 Doors Down. She took off, doing dozens of barrel rolls, and at one point, a Sonic Rainboom. It was magnificent; beautifully colored, and… loud. If I wouldn’t have covered my ears, I probably would have gone deaf. She then told me she was going to do her trick that she made, and started flying upwards. She started flying in a circle towards the top of the trees, which she was dangerously close to.
Once again, I started feeling sick to my stomach. I went over by one of the trees and threw up, again. I really needed to find some way to eat, but not puke. I looked up, and noticed Rainbow was looking at me, but still flying at a circle. She was getting closer to the trees, which made me nervous. When she saw me looking, she started going faster and faster. I could tell this was going to be great. Soon, she became a blur. I started to feel dizzy, but I kept watching her-
CRACK!
I heard a yelp, and she was gone. I looked franticly around, and then I spotted her. She was hanging onto one of the branches about a hundred yards up, one wing flapping and the other hanging lazily. She broke her right wing.
My MP3 player and headphones fell to the ground, shattering instantly. I looked back up at her.
“Arjay, help me!” she yelled.
“Hang on Rainbow. I’ll go get help!” I heard a faint snapping. The tree branch she was hanging on to was breaking under her weight. I had no time to go get help.
The branch started falling. She was having trouble staying on the branch. What was I going to do? Then I heard a loud snap.
The branch gave way.
She started falling. She was screaming bloody murder. I had to think of something, and I had to think of something fast.
And I only had ten seconds to do so.
Oh shit!!!!!
WHY DO YOU KEEP LEAVING US IN SUSPENSE!!!!!!
2015485 i know right
So. Much. Bucking. Suspense.
Seriously, I have no patience to hear about how great everything is for your character now. There's no conflict to be seen, so there's no reason for anyone to give a shit about what's good.
1. That pacing.
2. Where is there a thick forest in the park? I don't even know that this is a thick forest. All you said was there was various plants. For most people, park-plants include flowers, bushes, and maybe a few trees. Especially when I think of the park in Ponyville, I think of something from the opening to Griffon the Brush Off. You can't just say "plants" and expect us to know that you were talking about trees. It's partially your inability to describe anything in this story that's causing you to get so many dislikes.
Yeah, RJ, even though I've known you for only a day, as opposed to Twilight and my other friends in Ponyville whom I've known for much much longer, I'm going to tell YOU about my special place before any of them, because you are just that special to me.
Yeah...
Get bent, RJ.
I'm going to be civil here, because I made the same mistake in my very first fanfiction. Rainbow Dash is not one to just do a Sonic Rainboom for the absolute hell of it. She only does it for very special occasions. If she did it all the time, don't you think she would have done it at least once in Wonderbolt Academy?
So this is the supposed, suspenseful scene that people are raving about. Here's the thing though,
1. You can't just slap things like this into your story. Unless this event is part of the main plot (if there even is one), there's no reason for me to feel any suspense. Your audience is not going to just feel what you want them to feel at the drop of a hat. You need buildup, and this fic has absolutely none of that.
2. So Rainbow Dash injured herself because she was more than likely distracted by RJ's music. Remember when RJ said he'll worry about any problems that the MP3 player caused until they happened? You know, when you're flying 100+ MPH, and you're distracted by loud music, the standard problem that comes with scenarios like that include serious injury or death. Not exactly a problem you can just "worry about," especially when it could have been easily prevented. I actually kind of hope Rainbow Dash gets really hurt from this ordeal, just so RJ can atone for being a stupid dickhead.
ofwkuwait.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/hack-beats-solo-2.jpg
R.I.P. Headphones
2008 - 2013