• Published 14th Jan 2013
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The Monster Below - Greenback



An earth pony seeks to transform himself into an Alicorn, but how far is he willing to go to get what he wants?

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The Magic of the Rainbow

Author's Note: This was a gag chapter for April Fools day. If you want to read the next cannon chapter, please move on to "The Second Miracle."

***

At first I wasn't sure how to approach Beakbreaker regarding wings: could having her transplant a pair from a recently deceased donor work? Perhaps, but that felt too gruesome. It was better, I figured, to encourage her to create the wings, and then ask for a pair of my own when they were ready.

Precisely one week after my flight with Soarin, and after my parents had headed back to Saddle Lanka, I cleaned myself up, brushed my teeth, and put on my finest work clothes. I was dressed to impress, and there was no way Beakbreaker could fail to be moved by my words. But just to be on the safe side, I tucked Little Celestia into one of my pockets, hoping she would bring me luck.

Reaching into my pocket, I stroked her and dreamed of the day when I would meet her at last. And if I couldn't become an alicorn, at least I could fly alongside my princess in Equestria's skies.

It only took me a few minutes to reach the subway, and in less than fifteen minutes I walked into Beakbreaker's office, where she was eating breakfast. She was still dressed in her bathrobe and quite relaxed as she ate leisurely spoonfuls of her oatmeal.

Look who's here,” she said. “Everyone's favorite secretary! How are you doing today, Silverspeak?”

Focusing on giving Beakbreaker a good impression, I returned her smile. “Ready to work, earn bits, and pay my way.”

On a Sunday? You know we're not supposed to start work for another two hours.”

Oh, I just woke up early," I said. "Thought I'd come in. You never know what action is going to happen here. And who knows? I might come in and find legs hopping around on their own.”

Licking the last of the oatmeal from her bowl, Beakbreaker put it down and wiped her lips. "Well, there won't be anything like that today... but I do have a surprise for you." She stood. "Let's talk in my office."

Surprised, I followed Beakbreaker, wondering what wonders she was about to reveal to me, unaware that in less than a year, I would be dying upon a table in the operating center as a result of our conversation.

***

Once inside her office, Beakbreaker closed the doors and pulled the blinds before setting up charms to ensure that no one could listen in on our conversation. “Sorry for the secrecy,” she said, “but what we're about to discuss is beyond top secret. In fact, you'll be the first pony I've brought it up with.” She took a deep breath to steady herself. “A few weeks ago, you brought up the subjects of horns and wings...”

I struggled not to show my surprise, much less the sudden lump in my throat.

“...and ever since then, I've been thinking about it. I think you were on to something. If we can let ponies walk again, what's to stop us from helping them fly, or cast magic?”

“So... you're going to try making them?”

She nodded.

On the outside, I was excited, but calm. On the inside, I was jumping for joy.

“It's going to take time,” Beakbreaker told me, “but not as much as I thought. You see, I can use the research from the legs and apply that to the wings and horns. There's not much of a difference; it's really a matter of just putting all the pieces in place.”

“How long do you think that'll take?” I asked eagerly. “I mean, doing both of them.”

Beakbreaker pondered the thought, her forehead scrunching up as her brain contemplated the question. “Well, it's difficult to say. Could be months, could be decades. No real way to tell."

“Need me to write some proposals?” I asked. If the process was going to take that long, why not start it now? Heck, I could have a proposal for the board by sundown, and charm them into giving us funding by breakfast tomorrow.

“Actually, just one,” Beakbreaker said, sensing my excitement. “I'm going to need a specialist for this project. I'm thinking of bringing Glasseye back. Didn't feel right to leave him at the university. If there's anyone who can help make wings and horns a reality, it's him."

I nodded, but more out of reflex than following her words. The whole situation was too good to be true. My dream, all but dead only weeks ago, was alive again, and taking a giant step towards coming true.

At long last, things were looking up.

***

The letter was quickly composed and sent out, and within two days Glasseye walked into my office on his way to see Beakbreaker.

“I felt she would keep you on,” he said, looking over my workspace. “The letter I received was too well-written for her to have composed it." Glasseye's face hardened slightly. "You're most fortunate, you know. Getting to be so close to the action with all this research and development."

I almost said that most of my time was spent at my desk scribbling words onto paper, but decided against it. Glasseye didn't pursue the matter any further, for Beakbreaker exited her office, perhaps having heard the two of us talking. Or perhaps she recognized Glasseye's tone and wanted to save me from one of his put-downs, much as I had once saved her.

“Glasseye!” She shook his hoof. “It's wonderful to see you again!”

“The same to you. Now, shall we get down to business."

“Yes, of course. Come in, come in, I've got some plans I want to discuss with you."

The two went into Beakbreaker's office and shut the door behind them, absolute silence following a moment later as charms were activated. They stayed inside for almost two hours, but their meeting had been fruitful, for Glasseye was most pleased with himself, and Beakbreaker was once again ecstatic when they came out.

***

Beakbreaker invited me to dinner that night in her apartment, and I was happy to join her. Being ever busy in the lab, Beakbreaker's cooking skills weren't the greatest, and I had to smile while eating some dishes that were... not delicious, to put it mildly. But our conversations were pleasant enough, and I had the feeling she was saving an important question until the very end, which, sure enough, she was.

“Hey, Silverspeak, you ever hear the saying, 'Great minds think alike'?”

“Yes.”

“Well, it turns out we weren't the first to contemplate making wings and horns. Glasseye has been working on them himself for the past few months, figuring that he should throw his own hat into the limb-replacement ring.”

I wasn't surprised. Glasseye seemed the type to compete with his former student for a chance at medical glory. “How far along is he?”

Beakbreaker chuckled. “Without a team of his own, it'll be years before he gets anywhere. But he does have plans written up for a prototype of both wings and horns. I took a look and I think he might be onto something.”

“So you're going to join forces?” I guessed.

“Bingo. Two great minds equals results at a much faster rate.”

“As long as the two of you can get along,” I said. “I don't think he'd be too keen on you being the project leader.”

“Actually, we did talk about that, and he was fine with me being in charge.” Beakbreaker was surprised at the admission. "I never imagined he'd be so... generous. Anyway, he's going to bring in his plans tomorrow, and if everything works, we can get started on those prototypes by the end of the week.”

Beakbreaker didn't know it, but I had brought along Little Celestia in one of my jacket pockets. Seeing as she had been with me during the first streak of good news, I figured that I'd bring her again in hopes of scoring a second win, and she had pulled through again. “That's great! Now, how do I fit into all this?”

“Oh, I think you know,” Beakbreaker said with a sly grin. “We'll need a proposal for the executives, but at this stage in the game I think we have a one hundred percent chance of getting it accepted. You think you can have it ready by tomorrow?”

“Easily.”

Beakbreaker grinned. “Perfect.” She took hold of her glass and raised it for a toast. “To the next step in medical evolution.”

I raised my own glass, and the two of us clinked to a most worthy toast indeed.

***

Where Beakbreaker's previous research had lasted years, her newest project went faster than any of us could have hoped. As Beakbreaker predicted, Coin Counter and the board of directors were more than happy to throw more money and supplies our way. Glasseye, having taken an extended leave from the university, soon became a regular sight at Medicomp. As before, my position as secretary had me writing up reports of each day's work, giving me a unique perspective at seeing Beakbreaker's progress. I made it a habit to bring Little Celestia into work, and she was soon a constant fixture on my desk. Time and time again, she seemed to work her magic, and I wondered if there really was a charm on the statue that had been forgotten when I had purchased it. With the rapid advances in the lab, I allowed myself to entertain the thought that she was actively playing a part.

The months passed quickly. Before I knew it, Winter was settling in. Hearth's Warming Eve came by.

Little did I know that I would be receiving the greatest gift of my life on that blessed day.

***

“Silverspeak, would you like to see them?”

“Of course!" I said. "I'd love to!”

Beaming, Beakbreaker brought me into the lab, where Glasseye was rolling out two tanks for my viewing pleasure. Months of work had resulted in a fully functional set of wings, and a normal sized unicorn horn, and both were before me, submerged in goo.

“They're beautiful,” I said, pressing my eyes against the tanks. The wings were firm, the individual feathers perfectly lined and in place. The horn itself was perfectly formed, the spiral indistinguishable from the ones used by spellcasters all over the world.

“Indeed they are,” Glasseye said. “Worthy specimens of the best science has to offer. Why, they're even ready to be tested on a patient, if we wished.”

Beakbreaker chuckled. “Don't be silly, Glasseye, don't be silly. There's still so much work to do before we reach that stage.”

“Balderdash. If we wanted, we could sew them on somepony within the hour and they'd be ready to go.” He eyed me. “Indeed, good Silverspeak here could become a Pegasus right now if he wanted to. And who knows? Perhaps the horn would work on him as well!”

There are moments in our lives where we're given a golden opportunity, when destiny itself speaks to us. Of that, I have no doubt. And to hear the words coming from Glasseye, I knew this was one of those golden moments. It was as if destiny itself had whispered the words into his mind, prompting him to say what I had so longed to hear.

This was my chance, and I took it.

“Why not?”

Beakbreaker was surprised to hear me speak up so suddenly. “Sorry?”

“Why not?” I asked again. “I'd be willing to try.”

“What? Have these sewn onto you? Don't be silly.”

My legs were shaking as I gathered my courage. “Beakbreaker, do you remember that moment we had at the restaurant? When you said you owed me one? This is what I want.” I gulped. “I want to try these wings. And that horn, too.”

Beakbreaker stared at me for the longest moment, no doubt wondering if I was playing some kind of joke. “Silverspeak, you... you can't be serious.”

“I am. I want this.”

She gave a nervous laugh. “But... but you're an earth pony! You can't have wings or a horn!”

“Why not?”

Beakbreaker scrambled for an answer. “Because... because it's not-”

“Natural? I know, and I don't care.”

“But-”

“This is the opportunity of a lifetime,” I said. “The chance to become more than what I am! To defy fate, to give it the hoof and say, 'Screw you for making me an earth pony.'”

Glasseye grinned and nodded his approval. “Well said.”

“Don't tell me you're taking his side!” Beakbreaker said.

“Why shouldn't I? This is a grand chance. How many other ponies would like to become alicorns? Why, if we pull this off, we can make the dreams of thousands come true! And if you do owe Silverspeak a favor, what better way to grant it then by making his own dream come true?”

For a long moment, Beakbreaker was caught in a quandary, unsure whether to go forward or refuse my request. I was ready with all the possible reasons why this was a logical step, but listing them out wasn't necessary, as Beakbreaker sighed.

"All right," she said. "I'm probably going to regret this... but I'll do it."

***

There are no words to describe the thrill of having your dream come true, so I'm not even going to try. But I will say that for the rest of that afternoon, I was the happiest pony in the world, an ever-present grin on my face as Beakbreaker and Glasseye took my medical data, made measurements, and prepared the surgical center for surgery. And then, just like that, the moment finally came. I was cleaned, washed, scrubbed, and ready for the surgery that would change my life. Beakbreaker and Glasseye dressed in their medical scrubs, and I donned one of those dinky hospital gowns. I'd normally be repulsed at having to wear the thing, but I endured it as a badge of honor as I entered the surgical room, grinning even more as I saw the table waiting for me.

Even better, Little Celestia stood on a stand by the table. I had asked Beakbreaker if it could be brought in, saying it was a good luck charm. When I woke from surgery, the first thing I wanted to see the princess who had inspired by lifelong quest.

Getting onto the table, I relaxed as Beakbreaker applied the straps that would keep me from moving. Even the slightest twitch or accidental movement could have disastrous consequences, especially when needles and fluids were being injected into my brain.

“Ready?” Beakbreaker asked.

It was a silly question. “You bet.”

“All right then. Here we go. Glasseye? Could you please put him under?”

Glasseye nodded. “It would be my honor.” He turned to me, his horn glowing. But I wasn't looking at him. I was so excited, images of my new alicorn status washing over me like the world's greatest daydream. But as I was waiting to be put under, something made me glance at Glasseye, and I noticed something strange about him.

His smile... it didn't look right.

“Hey,” I joked. "You look way too happy at putting me under.”

He nodded. “Why shouldn't I be? After all, this is the conclusion of so much work. It's been such a long time, and I'm finally here!”

“Glasseye,” Beakbreaker said. “You can do the monologues after we're done, okay?”

Glasseye ignored her. “You have no idea how much work went into this. And not just that horn and those wings, but the legs as well. All those years of pushing Beakbreaker, nudging her in the right direction. I was so lucky to even find her, for she made this so much easier then it could have been."

I gave a chuckle, unsure where this was going. “Okay...”

“But even then, she didn't have the talent needed to actually pull this off,” Glasseye said, speaking as if Beakbreaker wasn't only a few feet away. “I had to do most of the work and convince her that it was actually her doing. ”

Beakbreaker stared at Glasseye. “Professor? What are you-”

“I could have done it myself, but who would listen to the efforts of an old pony with delusions of grandeur? And what self-respecting professor would spend a lifetime worshiping the laws of science, only to suddenly turn against them in the quest to play god? No, it was so much easier to turn a young, bullheaded student into my agent, who could then get more funding so I could complete my work.”

Beakbreaker's face lost all of its color.

“The two of you taking off to Medicomp... I hadn't planned for that. All seemed lost. I wanted to just charge up there and take what was rightfully mine. But I bid my time. I knew you Silverspeak. I knew you wanted to become an alicorn. It was so obvious. I can't fathom how Beakbreaker didn't see it, but I guess that's because she's a stupid zebra who can't see six inches beyond her own muzzle. It was only a matter of time before you would try to manipulate her into making horns and wings, so I continued my own work, waiting for the right time to strike.” He raised his hooves. “And now, here we are. All is as I planned.” He chuckled. “Well... perhaps not me. After all, the real Glasseye wouldn't follow such dark paths in his advanced age, would he?”

Beakbreaker was backing away from the table. “What are you-”

“Oh shut up, you stupid zebra,” Glasseye said. “You've been useful in getting me in here, and in perfecting the technology I began, but your services are no longer required.”

Glasseye's horn glowed.

“Goodbye my dear.”

A bolt of green magic shot from Glasseye's horn and hit Beakbreaker in the head. She was thrown across the room and smashed into a wall, where she collapsed in a heap.

I couldn't move. Not from the straps, but from the sudden, absolute terror that gripped me.

“Well then,” Glasseye said. “That was fun.” He turned his attention back to me. “But now it's down to business. And I suppose there's no longer any need for this.”

His horn lit up, glowing brightly. But not only his horn, for Glasseye was glowing as well.

Beakbreaker's professor changed. His skin fell away, as did his clothes. Strange shapes appeared on his back, and his aged body transformed into something black and rotten His horn... his horn was twisting itself, warping until it became like a cancerous growth.

I couldn't believe it. It just couldn't be true, wasn't even possible. But it was.

“You!?”

Queen Chrysalis, the leader of the Changelings, grinned like a devil out of the darkest pits of Tartarus. “Oh dear,” she taunted. “It looks like somepony discovered my secret. How unfortunate! And such a shame too... that is, if that certain somepony were to raise the alarm.”

I struggled against the straps, suddenly aware that I was couldn't move.

Chrysalis' horn lit up, and the surgical machine came to life. “You will provide all the data I need to grow my own horn that will amplify my power beyond imagining! And since you've been so useful, I'll let your dream come true... such a shame it will hurt beyond anything you can imagine!”

She laughed. I screamed. And as the surgical units began to move, I suddenly wondered if the old tales of your life flashing before your eyes was true after all.

That was only a minute ago.

***

In the span of a single minute, I've gone through my entire life. All those years, gone past in what feels like an instant, and it's so unfair. All that straining, all that struggling, searching and yearning, and my dreams are never to be.

And now, here in the darkness, it ends.

Everything slips away... my strength, my will, my vision, everything... I finally yield to the blackness and allow it to take me.

I slip away.

I fall...

... deeper...

... into...

... the...

NO!

Wait... that voice... What was that?

This shall not stand!

Who... who is that? A god? A deity even mightier than Celestia?

The power of that voice calls me back to the world of the living. I open my eyes, trying to clear the blood dripping from the horn on my head. But there's no joy at its presence. I look to Chrysalis; was she the one who brought me back? Does she want to torment me even further? Does her bloodlust demand my suffering? No, it can't be... she's baffled.

What could confuse her so much that-

YOUR WICKEDNESS ENDS HERE, INTERLOPER!

That voice. It's beside me. Calling up all my strength, I turn and gaze upon... Wait. There's nobody besides the bed. Nobody except-

YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES, QUEEN CHRYSALIS!" little Celestia screams.

I stare at the tiny statue.

What the fu-

Little Celestia leaps from the stand and explodes with a dazzling burst of light, momentarily blinding me. When it fades, Little Celestia is gone, replaced by the real Celestia.

“Prin... Princess Celestia?!” I gasp.

“You!” Queen Chrysalis roars. “If I defeated you once, I can defeat you again!” Reaching behind her back, Chrysalis yanks out a baseball bat.

Celestia yanked out her own bat. “Bring it on, sucka!”

With a mighty leap, the two jump into the air and collide, flailing away at each other with their baseball bats.

“It's clear this fight will not be decided by our skill with baseball bats,” Chrysalis growls a minute later, "but through our skill in the most time-honored tradition of warfare.”

“Indeed.”

The two slam their hooves together.

“One two three four, I declare a thumb war!” They both shout.

Nothing happens.

“Oh, wait, we don't have thumbs,” Queen Chrysalis says.

With a giant whack, Celestia hits Chrysalis on the head. A huge bump appears, along with little birdies that fly around her skull. Another hit smashes Chrysalis through the wall, leaving a cartoon outline of the wicked queen that wouldn't be out of place on a Saturday morning cartoon show.

Princess Celestia runs to me. “Silverspeak! Are you alright?”

“Princess? But how... why... what?!”

Celestia undoes the straps holding me down. “There's no time to explain. I'll-”

Celestia is knocked aside as Chrysalis karate-kicks her in the jaw, and then rips the horn from my head.

“Ow!” I say.

Chrysalis tosses me a band-aid. “At last! I now have a horn powerful enough to complete my destiny, and let me rule over Equestria forever!" She smashes my horn onto her own, rising up as both glow, filling the room with green energy. Before my eyes, the wicked changeling queen transformers, gaining enormous muscles until she's the size of a bus, and packing enough power to punch through an entire building in one blow.

“Curses!” Celestia shouts.

“Ha!” Chrysalis roars, her voice thick with the dark energy of imploding stars. “You haven't even seen my final form!”

An explosion of green light shoots the princess and myself into the wall. A horrifying growl fills my ears as the light fades, and we both see Queen Chrysalis in her final, terrible form.

“Fear and cower before me, fools!” a water bucket says on the floor, “for your new ruler is about to take over for all time!”

The water bucket flies out the wall and into the sky beyond.

Celestia grabs me. “Quick, Silverspeak, eat this cake! It shall give you the strength and fury of ten million ninjas!” She rams a ten-foot tall cake down my throat. But instead of giving me the fury of ten million ninjas, it gives me diabetes. "Now, we must hurry, for prophecy has foretold that you, Silverspeak, will defeat Chrysalis once and for all to save us from certain destruction!”

“What in the hay are you talking about?!” I ask.

“There's no time to explain!” Celestia throws me on her back and spreads her wings, only to stop and gaze upon their brilliant shine. “Holy me, I never realized how pretty my wings are! Let's fly to the castle!”

We rocket out of the building, and I hang on for dear life as Celestia shoots over the Equestrian countryside at ten million miles an hour, reaching Canterlot in approximately 1.05 seconds. Smashing through a wall of the royal castle, we land in the throne room, where Princess Luna is waiting, along with the bearers of the Elements of Harmony, all decked out in military wear, and carrying a hundred fifty thousand machine guns each.

“Luna!” Celestia shouts. “I have him!”

“Verily, I say our chances of victory have been doubled, sister!” Luna shouts.

“Can someone tell me what's going on?!” I plead.

Before anyone can answer, a flash of lightning destroys the roof. The sky above has darkened to the color of blood, signaling the end of the world. Bucket-Chrysalis has used her terrible magic to become a hundred million miles tall, and now smashes through Equestria, destroying all in her path.

“Ahahahahaha!” she roars. “Victory is mine!”

“Quick, thine sister!” Luna says. “To battle!” Launching herself into the sky, Luna summons the Royal Equestrian Army, which attacks the bucket with everything they've got. But Bucket-Chrysalis' appetite for destruction is insatiable, and it's clear that the volley of bullets and rockets and machine guns and tanks and rockets and knives and pencils and thumbtacks won't stop her.

“Quickly!” Celestia says. “To Pinkie Pie's War Train!”

Pinkie Pie leads the way as we run to the War Train: It's bright pink, blue, and purple, and despite being only two cars long, is packed with enough firepower and destruction to make even the mighty Chrysalis tremble. Gunning the engine, Pinkie sends the train on it's path of death and despair.

“CHOO CHOO, MOTHER BUCKER!” she screams.

Unfortunately, the train goes on a closed track that loops endlessly, sending the war train on an endless circle to nowhere.

“What's the point of this thing?!” I shout.

Bucket-Chrysalis wipes out Manehattan with a single stomp. The Wonderbolts fly in on their battle zeppelin, firing magical rays of sunshine that does absolutely nothing. Bucket-Chrysalis lashes out and destroys the zeppelin in a single swipe. Soarin, the only surviving member of the Wonderbolts, hurls pie after pie to no effect. Not even the boysenberry ones can hurt our immortal foe.

“DJ PON 3!” Celestia shouts, grabbing a PokéBall. “I choose you!” She hurls the PokéBall, and the famed DJ hops out, bass cannon in hand.

“Everyone stand back!” Pon 3 shouts. “I got this!” She turns her bass cannon to full power and fires, the wubs smashing into Bucket-Chrysalis. But even though metal is dented, the power of wubs is not enough to defeat the most terrifying enemy Equestria has ever seen.

“Silverspeak!” Celestia shouts. “Your hour has finally come! You must defeat Chrysalis!”

“I don't even... Fine! Forget it! What do I do?!”

“Pinkie Pie!”

Pinkie hands me a muffin crafted with the utmost care and love, baked in her ovens using only the finest ingredients and supplies until it became the warm, soft morsel in my hoof. Also, it has rat poison in it.

Leaping from the train, I run to Celestia, who turns into a motorcycle. I jump onto her back, and she drives up a magical rainbow that has suddenly appeared out of nowhere for no reason at all. We drive up higher and higher into Equestria's sky, stopping for nothing and nopony, except for a brief bathroom break, and a detour at 7-11 to get some pre-made sandwiches and lottery tickets. We also take a brief nap because we're sleepy. But eventually we finally burst through the stratosphere and into the cold, heartless void of space, driving towards the very top of Bucket-Chrysalis.

“Haha!” Bucket-Chrysalis shouts. “Victory is mine! Also, I can yell in space for some reason!”

“Now, Silverspeak!” Motorcycle-Celestia shouts. “Finish her!”

As we leap from the rainbow, I toss poisoned muffin into the bucket, where it sinks into the water within.

“No!” Bucket-Chrysalis screams. “This cannot be!”

The bucket trembles, shakes, then implode upon itself as we plunge back towards the earth far below, accelerating to mach 25, leaving a sonic boom in our wake as Bucket-Chrysalis explodes, producing the biggest fireball the world has ever seen. Naturally, we look awesome in front of it as we shoot down, casually ignoring the incredible heart that sears our backs into a blackened mess that will permanently leave us without feeling as our nerve endings are burned away into nothingness, making it really hard to enjoy a back massage.

We fall and fall and fall... and then everything goes white.

***

When I can see again, I'm surprised to find myself no longer upon motorcycle-Celestia, or even on Equestria. I'm somewhere...strange. It's ethereal, almost like a hallway made from the elements of the cosmos themselves. It's warm here, and quiet. Peaceful, even.

I look around. There's nobody in sight. “Hello?”

A form emerges from the wispy clouds ahead. It's Celestia.

I bow.

“Oh, Silverspeak, there's no need to bow. Here, we are equals.”

The Princess of the Sun is treating me like an equal? “But your highness, what do you mean? What is this place?”

“Few have ever been here,” Celestia says. “The last one was Twilight Sparkle, my prized student. She walked the path you do now.”

As if on cue, screens appear before us. I look at them and gasp. They show...me! Me, at all stages of my life!

“I've been watching you, Silverspeak, for such a long time. Watching you learn and advance on your quest to understand friendship.”

“But I've never studied friendsh-”

Celestia points to the screens. “Look at all you've learned, and all your accomplishments.”

I gaze with awe at the screens, seeing myself disappoint my parents by being born without a horn, being bullied by Mangus, failing to get a good job, failing in my quest to find a way to turn into an Alicorn, failing to get anything from the library, and failing to break in undetected. There are also many poignant scenes of me taking showers, snoring in bed, and brushing my teeth. Also, that one time I lost my keys and spent two hours hunting for them.

“You've come so far, and done so much,” Celestia says, beaming with pride. “And now it is time... time to fulfill your destiny.”

“Destiny?”

Taking a deep breath, Celestia starts to sing. “You've come such a long, long way, and I've watched you from that very first day! To see how you grow, to see what you might do, to see what you've been through, and all the ways you've made me proud of you...

Never having been one to get any enjoyment out of musicals, I look around and scratch my nose.

...It's time now for a new change to come, you've grown up and your new life has begun. To go where you will go, to see what you will see...

What time is it? I hope I set the TV to record the latest episode of Spongebob Squaresaddles.

...To find what you will be, for it's time for you to fulfill your destiny!” Celestia beams at me. “Are you ready, Silverspeak?”

“Uhhh... sure, I guess.”

Celestia closes her eyes and floats into the ether. Then, to my astonishment, so do I! We float up into a bright light above us, and I feel something magical happening to me. It's like the surgery at Medicomp, but without any pain, and without the sting of betrayal. I'm hesitant, but give in to the sensation. Celestia knows what she's doing, and this feels natural, like it was always meant to be, like this is the reason I was born.

I feel something upon my forehead, and then my back. I twist around and look, and...oh sweet Celestia! Wings! I have wings! And not only that, but a horn as well! Gifts given to me by the ruler of Equestria herself!

An Alicorn! I'm an Alicorn! Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes-

The light flashes, and suddenly we're back in the Canterlot throne room. It's filled with hundreds of ponies. But... why are they here? Why am I standing beside Princess Celestia, Luna, and Twilight? And why...

...why in heaven's name am I wearing a dress, a tiara, and golden horseshoes?!

“Mares and Gentlecolts,” Princess Celestia says, “I proudly present to you, Princess Silverspeak!”

WHAT?!

I can barely hear the thunderous applause as I frantically turn to Celestia. “But your highness! I'm not a princess!”

Celestia beams. “Yes you are, Silverspeak! You're an Alicorn Princess!”

“But I'm a guy!”

She laughs. “Oh Silverspeak, you crack me up!”

The crowd continues to applaud, cheering the arrival of their newest princess.

***

In the end, things turn out alright. Despite the fact that everyone now refers to me as a princess, and that I have to wear a dress at royal occasions, life's pretty good, actually. My parents moved to Canterlot, now the proud parents of a princess, something no other family in Saddle Lanka can boast of. I got my own tower in the royal castle, my own royal guards (I make them wear clown costumes) and because I'm part of the royal family, the other princesses treat me as a beloved sibling. And it's hard to stay upset with Celestia now technically being my sister. How cool is that? But even better is the raw, cosmic power that flows through me. Where Celestia controls the sun, Luna the moon, Cadence love, and Twilight harmony, I use my incredible power to control the consistency of dirt.

Still, I can't complain. I mean, I got my dream after all. And for that, I'm eternally grateful. Well, except for having to wear that dress. And for having to marry Snails.

THE END

Author's Note:

Sweet Celestia, this was fun to write. And no, this isn't the end of the story. Totally non-cannon.

Happy April Fools Day everyone!

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