Chapter 9: Royal F*ckers
Upon turning around to see the royal castle, it's beauty, it's grace, it's......amount of guards patrolling this shit. I'm not kidding, there were horses in armor everywhere I turned. I'm quite surprised me and Rainbow Dash wasn't questioned or something for being intruders. I started to make my way to what seemed like the entrance door. It was smooth sailing for a couple of seconds until I reached the front of the door.
"Halt! No one's allowed to see the princesses without a reservation." two stallions in gold armor said to me as I made my way. They held their staff's out to block the entrance as they said so.
Oh Great! Royal fuckers won't let us in. We came all the way out here just to be stop by MORE fucking horses. Just Great!
Don't you think your over-reacting a bit?
Hell no.
Needless to say, I still needed to get in there somehow. I had to think of something clever, quick, and believable.
"Um.... I'm the official royal....uh....'Masseuse', yeah!" I said nervously hoping they'll buy it.
"You don't look like much of a woman to me." one guard said cocking an eyebrow in confusion.
Oh, nice going Mrs. Madison.
SHUT UP! Could you think something better?
Well I don't know....Wait! I do 'know' because i'm your BRAIN.
"Well that's because um....I...uh..." I slowly replied sweating like crazy. I was doomed from entering the palace anytime soon. The guards just stood there with concerned faces, waiting for my next attempt to try and get in. Before something unexpected happened.
"What goes on here?" I heard a familiar feminine voice say with a monarchy tone, as the front doors burst open.
"Oh, Princess Luna!" both guards said as they bowed to the honorable princess. "We were just getting rid of this intruder of the castle." one guard continued.
"I see, and where is thou intruder." the princess questioned the guards. It was then they both pointed their hooves towards me. I stood their stunned for a second, until I realized who the horse was.
Isn't that.... that one emo horse we saw last night, I can't remember, it was kind of dark.
Before I could speculate any further though, she soon realized who I was instead.
"Haha, Thy is not an intruder." she assured the guards who was exchanging confused looks, and so was I."This specimen is thou visitor of the castle this evening." she continued. It took me by shock that she was allowing me inside, one step further I suppose.
"But sire, This creature tried to make off as a masseuse to try and get in at first." One guard quoted, talking about my attempt at getting in. I started to scratch the back of my neck, and grinned as I said..
"Oh, Um....Yea My brain goes on and off sometimes. I'm really here for the tour, sirs." I assured guards of the inconvenience.
WHAT! Don't drag me in your stupid ass mistake.
"Oh, Sorry for the overhaul, mister." One of the guards said in a apologetic tone. The other one was just looking at me with stern eyes, like he didn't trust one ounce of me.
"Right this way, 'guest'." Princess Luna continued guiding me to come inside the castle with her. Passing by the royal guards. I finally made it inside the castle!
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The inside of the fucking castle was FUCKING amazing. I'm serious. It was almost similar to a big ass church inside. I saw sun and moon shrines on the windows, red velvet carpet everywhere, and hallways all over the place.
"So, Why thou have cometh to Canterlot?" Princess Luna said, breaking my view away from all the royalty.
"Well i'm trying to......Wait a minute. Didn't I tell you all this last night?"
"I don't recall."
"I asked you to try and take me here and everything."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm goddamn positive. You even started to mumble about the moon and shit."
"Oh. Well i'm graciously sorry. If you needed a quick way to get to Canterlot, I could've just teleported you with me that night."
.....I'm not sure if she's trolling....
"Oh, So now you tell me." I said in a sarcastic tone.
"Yes, for I am an Alicorn. So we basically can do whatever we please."
"....Even so, I'm trying to get to my world, and i'm wondering if Princess Celestia could help me with that."
"Well i'm certainly not sure where thou lives, but my sister is sure not to disappoint." Princess Luna finished. I really did hope this princess could help anyway possible. I wasn't much in a hurry to leave. But everyone could be worried sick about me going missing on earth.
Oh right, I can see now. "Local dumbass college student sucked into a different universe, call the fucking logic police!
"So where is she exactly." I asked ready to get this over with.
"She'll be just through those doors there." Luna guided, pointing towards a couple of double doors.
"That's all I needed to know." I quickly said marching toward the doors. But was soon stopped by Luna as she said...
"Halt. Wouldn't you care for a tour before you continue." She insisted.
"I'm good, I really can't waste more time." I declared, still walking toward the doors. She then nodded her head at what was said, and proceeded off in a different direction.
At a huff of my breath, holding the door tight ready to confront the princess. I soon began to open the double doors........
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"DAMN IT!" I shouted at the top of my lungs at what I saw.....More fucking doors....
You probably should've took that tour first, huh?
FUCK YOU
I soon turned around to see if Luna was still there, and she was not. I facepalmed so hard at the site, you could see the handprint on my forehead.
"Looks like I have to go through all of these rooms..." I finally sighed, knowing that there was no other way.
I started off with the door just to the left of where I was standing. It was just a basic wooden door, but it had to lead to something. "Well, here goes nothing." I said as I stepped into the room.
"Hey, Are you Princess Celestia?" I causally ask the resident as I walked in. It was then I seen a white stallion with a blonde mane. And fucking glitter and shit was sparkling around him for some apparent reason.
"Um, No. Princess Celestia is my aunt. I am Prince Blueblood." The stallion announced in a fancy sophisticated tone.
"Oops, My Bad." I simply said as I headed for another door inside the room. The Stallion stood there in confusion as I roamed, but sure enough he didn't question anything else. I soon found another door and proceed to the next room, that lead to a hallway filled with more optional doors.
"FUCK, HOW MANY DOORS IS IN THIS PLACE?" I shouted in my head, frustrated at the site. But I knew I had to choose one if i'll ever make it to her. I've chosen the door on the further end of the hallway this time, hoping for better chances. With my fingers crossed I barged into the room with my eyes closed waiting for the best of luck. But it simply wasn't my day....
"Is Princess Celestia in here" I calmly asked as I entered, eyes still closed.
"Why would she be in here?" I heard a mare question as I stepped inside. I soon opened my eyes when I received the scent of......food. I didn't even have to take a quick guess to say that I was in the royal kitchen. My gaze was starstrucked across the scene of the kitchen, I could probably get a quick snack while i'm at it.
Hey, Fatass! We have a mission here remember?
"Umm, Can I help you" The mare finally asked, breaking my focus of the kitchen. Her coat was kinda white also. with a pink mane, and light blue eyes.
"Could you, like.... Locate me to Princess Celestia?" I asked in a nervous tone. The mare then cocked her in confusion, I guess she was wondering why a unknown species would want to see their beloved guardian. But simply enough she pointed to another door, as she said...
"Well, If you go down through that door right there. It should lead you towards her. But may I asked why?"
"Nope. No time. Gotta run!" I quickly replied as I bolted towards the door she appointed. I heard the mare scream 'No' 'Stop' 'Come back', but nothing was gonna stop me and my mission.
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I would make an 'Sorry, But your Princess is in another castle' reference, but THIS is FUCKING ridiculous. Everywhere I turned, there was another fucking door! Each pony in this castle told me the same thing "Well, If you go through this door here, it should lead you to her.", And i'm getting fucking tired of it! I'm fairly surprised I didn't get kicked out of here sooner for roaming.
I was currently standing in front of 2 great tall double doors. My fingers crossed, A starving stomach, And frustration on mind membrane.
"This better be the fucking door." I thought as I carefully reached for the handles.
As the door opened, My sight set asset upon a freakishly large mare. She has a white coat like that Prince Blueblood guy, and had a variety of color in her.....mane? I guess. She was turned around at the time, but i'm sure i'll get her attention as soon as I ask...
"Hey, Um. Are you Princess Celestia?" I asked with crossed fingers. And the answer she gave me, made my tolerance explode.
"What? No. I'm Princess Luna." She announced in an unrecognizable sarcastic tone. At that moment I was completely filled with anger. I knew for a FACT that wasn't Princess Luna, but I couldn't call her on it. She was most likely trolling, so whats the best thing to do, then to just go along with it, right?
"Oh, Sorry." I said sadly as I walked toward the double doors I came from.
What the hell are you doing. Its blindly obvious that she's Princess Celestia.
Shh, Be quiet. I have a plan.
Now receiving her attention. I hurried and turned my head, as if I recalled something.
"Wait A minute, I recall seeing Princess Luna before. And i'm quite sure she '10 times' more hotter than you." I said with a wide grin painted across my face, knowing she'll buy it.
"What? Hotter than me? I control the whole sun for Equestria sake!" She roared at the statement.
"Haha, Got ya!" I trickfully said as I caught her in the act. She then stood there for a while with a slight blushing expression on her face, Before saying with pride...
"Well Played."
Oh, Well nice going. We can finally get this over with.
"I have been expecting you, Stanley." She continued, while walking along the lines of the royal carpet.
Expecting us?
"Expecting me?" I questioned her also.
"Why yes, Ever since you arrived in Equestria I have been keeping a close eye on you till this very moment. And after that owl stunt you pulled towards me a couple of days ago, I knew i'd meet you sooner or later." She continued.
"Wait a minute... You knew about the owl?.....But nevermind that. You mean to tell me, that you could've brought me here from the get-go? Making me go through all that shit, just to tell me 'I was suppose to be here'." I snapped at the mare with an uneasy tone.
"
Why, yes!" was the expression I imagined as she replied." But it's for a very special reason that I will announce to you further on." she continued. I then raised a eyebrow at the specific reason, but didn't question any further from what I came here for.
"So you can send me home, right?" I said cheerfully. But the reaction I receive made my cheerfulness go to straight despair. The Princesses smile soon turned into a frown upon the question.
"Sadly I can not. I'm not even quite certain where your 'home' is." she announced with a simple tone.
No.......Noo.......NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
"But I can offer you something better!" She quickly said before I could respond.
Huh?
"Like what?" I said curiously.
"Well, I may not be able to send you back to your world, but I could turn you into one of our kind and make you an official resident here in Equestria until further notice." She offered. I was kinda skeptical on the offer, but then again she did say 'until further notice'. So she probably has a back up plan or something. I wouldn't mind staying here for a while I suppose. But that other offer though....
Fine with me, As long as we get home.
"Yeah, Sure. I could stay here a little while longer, but that 'turning me into a horse' offer, i'm gonna have to decline. You see, i'm gonna need these opposable thumbs for various reasons....so yeah." I explained to her, moving my thumbs up and down.
"As you wish, and I can assure that i'll find you a way home as soon as I can." The princess assured me walking closer.
"Woah, What are you doing?" I said in confusion as she continued towards me.
Before she could even answer, A flash of light came into vision. A winding bright vortex circulated me and the princess in a quick haste. The noise of rushing winds entered my eardrums as this occurred. And what felt like brief seconds, the noise drops, the visuals fade, and what was in front of me was a house door.
"Wha- Where are we?" I said hesitantly in confusion. I started to look around for a second before the princess spoke, and it seemed to me that we were back in Ponyville, or somewhere close.
"We're at your new home." she announced with grace, welcoming me to where i'll be staying for the time being. "Nothing special really, it's just a 2 story apartment, but it'll get you by." she continued.
"2 stories?" I questioned. I knew I was another species and all, be 2 stories seems a little too much for one person. But before I could speculate any further...
"Yes, For you, and you roommate." Princess Celestia said as she uttered the news.
"Roommate?!?!" I squeaked, unaware of the unexpected house guest. Don't get me wrong, I've had roommates before. I'm in college for christ sake! But a 'horse' as a roommate is a WHOLE other story.
"Yes, your roommate. He was expected to be here by now, but I don't see-...."
"Hey." Me and Celestia then hear an anonymous deep voice say behind us. We were quick to turn around and see the culprit. It was then I saw a light brown stallion, with a dark brown mane, and light blue eyes. His demeanor was a bit bland, but needless to say, this might be my roommate.
As I further examined the horse, I've come to see that he has probably come back from work. He was sporting a apron covered in ice cream. Probably working as a ice cream man or something. He also had an ice cream covered in nuts tattoo on his ass.
"Hehe, So what's your name, huh? 'Nuts'?" I said jokingly, not understanding the meaning of the tattoo. But sure enough....
"HEY!" the stallion shouted with anger toward the joke.
"Actually, his name really is 'Nuts', Stan." Celestia butted in, pointing towards the nametag on his apron, assuring me of his name.
"Oh, Opps. Sorry man." I said nervously, leaning my hand forward for a handshake....hooveshake. But he just brushed passed me with his attitude towards the door, and forcefully slams it open. I jumped a little at the sudden actions.
"Nuts may look like a mean stallion, but I can assure you he wouldn't harm a parasprite." Princess Celestia explained. "He doesn't talk much either, he usually greets everything with the phrase 'Hey', so try and go along with it.
"I-I guess." I simply said, thinking twice about this decision in general.
"Alright then Stan. We'll meet again soon... Good Luck!" The Princess finally bowed as she shined off somewhere in the blink of an eye.
"Wait hold up. What did you mean 'Good Luck'?" I screamed towards the sky, unaware if she could hear me or not.
It was then I turned back towards the apartment i'll be staying in for awhile. Thinking about all that could transpire before I get home.
"Well then." I huffed as I made my way towards the opened door.
Oh Great! Now your forced to live with one.
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Nice chapter. Thank God you kept him a human
Owl??
2251703
Remember the "Twlightlisious" chapter?
this is actually a pretty good read. =3
Don't worry you guys, next chapter is coming!
(Hey, Dubman, hurry the fuck up with that chapter!)
I'm happy that you kept him human. I hate ponification when reading Human in Equestria. Turning the human a pony pretty much is a nail in the coffin to me.