• Published 22nd Dec 2012
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Dawn of the First Day - Miniscule Literary



A man with nothing to lose finds himself in Equestria. But which version of Equestria is he in?

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BONUS: The X Files

I should warn you; this following tale is pretty out there. I mean, I’ve been through some shit, but this is entirely on another level. Viewer discretion is (mildly) advised.

My name is Alfonz, and since arriving in Equestria, I have seen some terrible things. Beset on all sides by mares so horny they are often driven to madness – a darkness where morality has no place – I often consider myself to have the willpower of a saint to not have succumbed to my own forms of insanity. You see, despite my personal beliefs and inhibitions, my fate is sealed. I am damned. But I try my best and resist, and I think that’s only because my stubbornness outweighs just about everything else. I never thought I’d see the day when that is a good thing, but here we are.

Now, about those terrible things…

***

Alfonz strolled down the lavish halls of the Royal Palace of Canterlot much like a man strolled the hallways of his apartment complex. The man had gotten so familiar with the seat of power in Equestria that, despite its intricacies and impressive architecture, it had long since lost its awe factor. Although he might not be as easily impressed as he was when he arrived, time had not been entirely cruel to Alfonz.

After the begrudging acceptance of his fate, Princess Celestia had tried her best to make the man’s day to day life leading up to the call of duty as easy as possible. The alicorn had made a formal declaration to the ponies of Equestria, calming both their woes and Alfonz’s own as best she could. In the end, she encouraged her people to control themselves as best they could in the man’s presence, and he was quite surprised to find that she appealed to their sense of morality, of all things, to seal the deal. Celestia had been quite clear to him, however, in the true nature of his situation. Although the denizens of civilized Equestria might not be so barbaric in their pursuits, there was no real guarantee of safety at all.

And it didn’t take long to realize how true that was.

Alfonz no longer had to fear a random mob of violence and molestation every time he went into town, this was true, but it did not stop the ponies from more “civilized” means of courtship – and he used that term lightly. The only time he was not besieged by requests of varying degrees of perversion was when he was accompanied by Princess Luna, and these experiences were perhaps even further from normal. The alicorn would spend most of her time prowling around him like a lion protecting a carcass, raising her hackles – quite literally – whenever another mare so much as glanced in his direction.

Life in Equestria was not easy for him, and he knew it would only get worse. Despite numerous suggestions and workarounds, he had little to show for his efforts. Apparently, being forced into the form of the natives was for more than just ‘biological compatibility’; there was also a matter of ‘equipment’. Pregnancy, surprisingly enough, had been a difficult task indeed. The problem had largely been overshadowed by the rate at which the denizens of Equestria made their attempts before the removal of the stallions, and Alfonz wondered if the inability to conceive had anything to do with the mares’ strange behavior.

Whatever the case, artificial means would simply not cut it, according to the Princesses. The man urged them to at least try, and, perhaps – someday – they would, but this did little to brighten his immediate future.

And now, he was on his way to endure yet another tedious and pointless endeavor. With his residence at the palace known all across Equestria due to the Princess’s announcement, the desperate population had been given a direct means of contact with him. Although they were not permitted to loiter on the grounds, it did not stop them from sending copious amounts of letters and packages addressed to him. Most of the letters, of course, were simply requests for his company, in varying degrees of filth. The packages, on the other hand, could be anything from photographs – varying in the same way as the letters in their content – to actual, useful items. The man had built up quite the collection as a result, with some things being from very esteemed ponies indeed.

And did he feel remorse for taking advantage of these desperate mares?

Hell no.

His royal hosts insisted he not meet with any of those that delivered their gifts personally, and he was quick to agree. The royal guards would typically hold them in a private quarter of the castle where he could pick them up, or, if he failed to do so by nightfall, they would usually deliver them straight to his quarters. Although the thought of being lazy and allowing the guards to do all the work was enticing, Alfonz was generally an impatient man, and he always did like getting things in the mail. Thus, there he went, moseying through the halls on his way to retrieve his loot.

Upon arrival, Alfonz took immediate count of his spoils: a number of letters – completely worthless, by all means – and only a single package. What a disappointment. Stuffing the plain brown rectangle beneath his arm, the man dropped the letters in the trash on his way out, musing to himself how strange it was that the package had not come with its own. He figured there would be a note inside, or, to his dismay, an inscription on the item itself. Bastards couldn’t even brown nose him correctly.

Although the man returned to the higher floors, he did not make for his quarters. With Luna sound asleep in preparation for her own duties – for he had yet to receive his own room, of course – he did not want to disturb the Princess if it could be helped. Celestia’s quarters would suffice; its owner consistently busy with diplomatic and political issues, the room would be empty and ripe for the taking.

Tossing the package onto a floor mat with little regard to its wellbeing, the man flopped lazily onto the cushion after it, the plain brown container positioned precariously on the raised edge of the mat. With no semblance of grace of restraint, Alfonz casually tore the package apart in order to get at what was inside. Cleaning would come later; for now, spoils.

Turning the eviscerated package over, the man’s disappointment in the day’s haul only continued to grow. Tumbling out of the wreckage to rest on his outstretched hand was a tiny, yet incredibly ornate, crystal. Normally, one should be elated to receive such a treasure, as the possibility of it belonging to some far string of royalty or power – and thus, being incredibly valuable – was a serious one indeed. But to Alfonz, surrounded by royalty and the extravagance that came with it, was unimpressed. He would have preferred something practical or, hell, something just plain fun. Like a board game.

Bored and disappointed, the man lazily began to turn the glimmering object over in his hands, looking for signs of an inscription. No note had been stuffed in the package, so there had to be one…Except, there wasn’t. Why had such an expensive-looking object been sent to him with no one to claim the glory? It seemed to defy the entire purpose of showering him with gifts. Perhaps it was a fake, meant to insult him?

He found it considerably more interesting that way.

As he studied the gem with newfound interest, he noticed a dull glow emanating from within. At first, he had thought it simply refracted light, but now, he wasn’t so sure. Perhaps the stone was magical in nature?

“Oh…shit.”

Well played, mysterious sender. Well played.

With that admittedly amusing thought, Alfonz’s vision was shrouded in abrupt darkness, as if someone had thrown a punch squarely between his eyes. The man could feel solid ground beneath him, but his other senses remained a blur. His nose felt as though it were under siege from several hundred painfully strong scents at once, and his vision made no sign of its return. Alfonz wondered if his ‘admirers’ had finally taken their affection for him one step too far, as a few human beings of note had done in his own world. Would he die here, because of a mysterious, anonymous package? After all he had been through?

It was sickening to think about. But perhaps it wasn’t the only thing making him sick.

The feeling only continued to intensify, and the man suddenly felt as if he were hurtling through a void. It was as if he was skydiving in a dream, only blind, and definitely without a parachute.

And, as suddenly as it had appeared, the feeling was over. The man’s senses returned with abrupt violence, and he felt as though he wanted to throw up on the spot. Although he could see, he found it difficult to focus on anything, as if this was his first moment of sight after a lifetime of blindness. His senses reeled with the effort, but slowly, surely, he returned to functioning form.

Alfonz was no longer in Celestia’s quarters; hell, he was no longer in Canterlot. By the look of his surroundings, he was somewhere in Ponyville. And, by the look of his perspective, he wasn’t at all as he should be.

Initially, the man thought he might have taken another form. He found it difficult to stay above the grass, and estimated he stood only a few inches tall. He wondered if he had been turned into some sort of insect, doomed to wander Equestria in such a vulnerable state for the rest of his days. Looking down at himself, however, quickly put that fear to rest.

Alfonz was definitely himself, but much, much smaller. The crystal was nowhere to be found, of course. Silently he hoped it had been destroyed in the process, as he feared others might suffer the same fate should they come across it. The how and the why of the situation would have to come later, as he realized the extent of the danger he was in. Perhaps life as beetle would have been a more merciful one.

The man struggled through the grass with some effort, his body sore and his balance unsteady. The extreme change in perspective made it nearly impossible to tell where, exactly, he was – the architecture of the buildings in the distance being the only indication he was in Ponyville at all. The man was on high alert, trying to keep track of every angle to detect incoming threats. Unfortunately for him, this was easier said than done.

He could hear it before he could see it. The pony’s hooves made an impact that reverberated through the grass and into his bones. He felt like he was in Jurassic Park, and this was where the cup of water would start to twitch ever so slightly, alerting the oblivious cast of their impending doom. It was a terrible feeling, needless to say. Fearing what the encroaching equine might do if they found him, Alfonz endured the serious risk of being crushed as he dove into the grass, lying flat against the jungle of blades in an attempt to hide.

The sound of the pony’s approach grew louder and louder – the grass that held Alfonz in place seemed to shift with each fall of the creature’s hooves – and then, without warning, as it reached its loudest, it stopped. The man held his breath.

“Hello?”

The sound was like thunder, but the implications were far worse than the ringing in his ears. How the hell had he been seen already?

“Are you still there?”

Alfonz was not an idiot. As innocent as the voice sounded, he knew that his doom lay beyond if he replied. He would risk being trod upon with the equine’s departure a thousand times before he gave himself up. But, unfortunately, the decision was not up to him. The grass around him, that which engulfed his vision, suddenly grew darker, as if stormy skies had rushed in out of nowhere.

“There you are!” the voice said with notable satisfaction, almost relieved. Alfonz, unwilling to meet his fate, did not stir. The man was slowly pulled from the safety of the grass, the impossibly large world around him rising up before his eyes. A thin veil of cyan energy hung around his view; the telltale signs of a unicorn’s magic at work. If nothing else, he had become quite familiar with it.

“I saw a really bright flash, and then I saw you in the grass!” the voice explained, turning his limp form around. If Alfonz wasn’t sure of his doom before, he definitely was now. “I had heard the others talking about something like you. But they said you were a giant! Were you always this small?”

The mint skin; the cyan mane; the lyre cutie mark looming an impossibly large distance away; yep, it was Lyra alright.

“Hey, can’t you understand me?” the mare questioned with a sincere look of concern, jostling the tiny human to try and wake him from his stupor. “Don’t tell me you don’t speak our language!”

“Uh…no hablabla engliese,” the man responded in a shameful butchery of the Spanish language. Lyra gave him a strange look.

“I guess I’ll just have to teach you,” she concluded with subdued gusto. Alfonz grimaced. Every time the unicorn opened her mouth, he felt as though he were in a wind tunnel. Even the slightest breeze – or the mare’s breath – was more than a little disorienting. And with her voice so close, he wondered if he would go deaf before she realized what she was doing to him.

“Would you like to come home with me?” Lyra asked suddenly, giving him an expectant grin. She spoke as if he were more a toy than a potential mate. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Regardless, his course was clear.

“No!” he cried, shaking his head frantically while waving his arms for dramatic effect. He had a feeling it wouldn’t be enough, though.

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll warm up to the idea once we get there!” Lyra insisted with a smile, as if failing to register his refusal at all. “And does this mean we do speak the same language?!”

God damn it.

The trip to the pony’s abode was surprisingly uneventful, given the fact that he, a tiny representation of a race with no natural place in Equestria, was suspended in front of the face of a unicorn that, from some angles, looked as though she were talking to herself. And there was definitely no shortage of Equestrians on their journey. Besides the occasional glance or the frequent blood-in-the-water look when they passed, they seemed genuinely uninterested in the bizarre scene before them.

Lyra’s home was as generic as it could be, mirroring the architecture of those buildings around it. The inside shared in the plainness, but Alfonz found it surprisingly cozy. Or, he would, had he been there under different circumstances. His unicorn captor made a clear path to the staircase, chatting away about how she had found him or why she was so interested in him. She didn’t even give him the common decency of a “would you like to join me in the bedroom?”, even if it was just the illusion of choice.

“I know it isn’t much, but it’s home!” she explained as they entered the bedroom proper. From Alfonz’s perspective, the room looked more like the Grand Canyon than a place of dwelling. With a large dresser to their right, a lounge couch at the opposite wall, and a large bed and nightstand looming in the distance, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out where they were going next.

Except, maybe it did.

Instead of making a beeline for the bed as the man expected, Lyra instead brought him over to the couch. The mare crossed the massive expanse of the room in a few seconds, and it was only then that Alfonz truly realized how absolutely enormous the unicorn was on this scale. The revelation threatened to drain away any hope of escape, and he fought desperately to convince himself otherwise. His size, though, may yet be his salvation. If he was able to evade her sight for only a few seconds, he could hide in any number of places around the room.

Alfonz’s progress slowed to a half a few feet from the couch. The man was left hovering, confused and disoriented, at what felt like several hundred feet in the air. Just as he was about to question the mare’s motives, a flurry of movement shot past him, resulting in a gale that would have sent him soaring across the room if not for the unicorn’s magic.

By the time the man had regained his senses, he was already making a descent. Lyra was sprawled across the couch on her back, grinning up at him as he wafted over. The magic that suspended him cut out abruptly towards the end of the journey, throwing him into a free fall down toward the waiting mare. The man cried out in surprise, arms and legs flailing as he tried to position himself to any sort of degree. The impact was as sudden as the fall, but it definitely didn’t hurt as badly as he thought it would. Eyes closed tightly in anticipation, the man could feel the tight bristle of fur beneath him, as well as a warmth that seemed to engulf his entire body.

Eyes opening, Alfonz found himself balanced precariously on the mare’s snout, his arms and legs splayed on either side. The monstrously huge equine beamed at him with golden eyes, and although he couldn’t see it – for he dare not move – he could tell the unicorn was still grinning excitedly.

“Hi there!” she said with far too much enjoyment, going nearly cross-eyed in her attempts to look at him. The man only continued to stare in horrified awe at the sheer size of his abductor, at a clear loss for words. “You’re not very talkative, are you?” Alfonz shifted uneasily on his perch, the mare’s continued attempts to communicate jostling him about.

Everything seemed to slow to a crawl as the man weighed his options. He could try to communicate with Lyra, as she definitely didn’t seem as malicious as the other mares. He doubted he would get very far, however, if her previous dismissal of his woes was anything to go by. But would he have any greater chance trying to make a run for it? Sure, he could hide, but that would imply she would take her eyes off him for any amount of time. And, lying before the enormous sunglow orbs, he found that hard to believe.

But he had encountered such crappy odds before. Quite a lot, actually. It was basically standard procedure at this point.

Grasping clumps of fur, the man struggled to pull his legs up onto the mare’s nose. Crouched upon the snout of a monster, Alfonz released his hold on her fur and straightened, his arms out at his sides like a tightrope walker. Each breath of the gigantic equine threatened to send him tumbling down the side of her head, but he managed to keep his balance by some degree of miracle. With a deep breath, the tiny human hunkered into a squat before throwing himself into a mighty leap.

Time slowed again as he passed over the unicorn’s chin and neck. The man had never been one for parkour or, hell, even climbing trees. He saw his life flashing before his eyes, but shoed the images away with a snarl. No more self-reflective bullshit. He was getting the hell out of here, alive.

With this thought, reality caught up with him as he touched down onto Lyra’s chest. The man crumpled into a crouch upon impact, barely correcting a lack of balance that would have landed him on his back. Although his knees protested loudly, the man stood and took off down the minty fur of his captor, hoping to put some kind of distance between himself and her horn. Even then, he found it strange the mare had barely even reacted to his attempted escape; then again, he didn’t exactly turn around to confirm she hadn’t.

Upon reaching the unicorn’s waist, Alfonz turned and dropped onto the edge of the couch not occupied by his host. Grabbing another handful of fur as to not tip over the edge, the man once again considered his options, of which there was but one: he needed to get down. The drop seemed an impossibly large one, though, and he wondered if his legs would survive. With only a second of hesitation, the tiny human dropped off the couch and plunged through the air on a violent collision course with the floor.

To his absolute and complete surprise, Alfonz managed to roll as he landed, expertly negating most of the damage he would have suffered had he fallen straight down. Finally, video games had taught him something useful! Take that, naysayers!

Unfortunately, he hadn’t the time to appreciate yet another miracle. Alfonz couldn’t hear or feel any movement from his foe, and he wasn’t about to throw away such an inviting opportunity. If he could just reach the dresser, it might prove a large enough distraction for him to escape downstairs. The man took off in a sprint yet again, arms moving in almost perfect symmetry with his legs in a sloppy attempt at “professional running form”.

Despite pushing himself to his limits and beyond, Alfonz saw the world around him only continue to grow. No matter how fast he ran, the massive span didn’t seem to get any shorter. And then he heard it: a massive quake on the hardwood floor behind him. Lyra was moving, at last. He pushed himself harder, sweat building on his brow as he ran. He could feel – and hear – the movement of his abductor; the booming “clop” of hooves, followed by a shockwave that seemed to shake the entire room. At first, it was slow and isolated, but now, it was growing deafeningly loud and terrifyingly close.

A shadow descended over Alfonz as he ran. Looking up, he could see the gargantuan equine passing over him in one quick hop that seemed to last an eternity. Her underbelly blotted out the light like a solar eclipse, plunging him into a darkness that disappeared almost as quickly as it came. Lyra turned after stepping over him, pressing her head against the ground. Alfonz had a few seconds at best to stop himself from colliding with the immense cyan head, and he very nearly did just that. The man fell back onto his hindquarters, grasping in vain at the slick wooden floor to stop his progress.

He succeeded, but with only an inch or two to spare.

“Where do you think you’re off to, mister?” the unicorn asked playfully. Alfonz was spared the full effect of her voice due to the bizarre position of her head; although her eyes were pointed directly at him, her snout was pointed away at an angle. This did little to stop the sound from vibrating his bones, however.

“Please,” Alfonz began, still frozen in a display of recoiling horror. “Let me leave.”

“But we just got started!” the unicorn insisted with another wild grin, shifting so her chin was enduring most of the weight of her head. Before Alfonz could reply, he found himself under the mare’s magical influence yet again. Lyra’s ridiculous grin followed him as he ascended, finally coming to a rest when he was at eye-level of the pony at her full height. With a particularly bright glow of her horn, Lyra gently pulled the man’s limbs to their maximum, as if inspecting the individual parts of his body.

“So formal!” she exclaimed, her magic tugging tentatively at the man’s clothes. Alfonz instinctively pulled his shirt back into place, wondering silently if things had just taken a darker turn. Lyra seemed to find this amusing. Ceasing her poking and prodding, the gargantuan equine placed her captive back onto her snout and giggled as the man instinctively wrapped his arms around her to keep his balance. The unicorn began to prance about, like a small child playing with a toy. Even though he was just sitting in terrified silence on her nose, she acted as if she was having the time of her life. He almost felt bad about poking her in the eye.

Immediately, the mare yet out a yelp of pain. Even with an iron grip on her fur, Alfonz was dislodged from his perch with the resulting jolt and was sent freefalling toward the floor. Thankfully, due to the position of her head when he fell, he was not far from the equine’s enormous body. The man used his hands and feet to try and stop his descent, but found himself losing his grip repeatedly on his abductor’s short, slick hair.

And despite the enormity of his aggressor, he was swiftly running out of fur to grab.

As the man closed his eyes in anticipation of the impact, he found himself, instead, clinging to the mare’s side, his feet dangling precariously over the open space beneath him. Thankfully, his position on her flank was not far from one of her legs, giving him a means down that didn’t involve another leap of faith.

“Ow!”

With only a few more feet left to descend, the man was abruptly launched across the room. Lyra had kicked out her leg – almost out of instinct, as he accidentally pulled too hard on a clump of fur – and sent the man sliding across the hardwood on. Alfonz’s mouth opened in a silent cry of pain as he landed, his shoulder sending a wave of pain across his body. But it wasn’t all bad; the tiny human had come to rest a foot away from the stairs and, beyond them, freedom.

With no time to spare on his injuries, Alfonz struggled to his feet and hobbled over to the stairs. Although he could feel only pain radiating from his right arm, he could still move it, and that was good enough. Sliding into a sitting position as he neared, the man swiftly dropped down to the next step and repeated the process as quickly as he could. His progress, much like before, was painfully slow, however. It was only a matter of time before Lyra caught up with him.

As he completed that thought, he felt the advance of his abductor and heard the thunderous sound of hooves on hardwood. It was moving at a faster pace than ever and, a moment later, he felt the shadow of the monstrous horse looming over him from the top of the stairs. By now, he had barely cleared the first four steps, and had no way to speed of his progress sans throwing himself over the side, to certain death. He could hear Lyra descending the stairs, and, for a moment, he thought she would overtake him and crush him underhoof. As the sound reached deafening levels, he found himself caught in another shimmering field of azure, suspended mid-way through his fall to the fifth step. His descent down the stairs continued, though, much to his surprise. He could feel the breath of the equine behind him, and it came in short, powerful bursts.

She wasn’t happy.

“That was very, very rude!” she fumed as they reached the landing, the man held at around chest level. The magic that held him suddenly jolted, slamming the tiny human against the wall opposite the stairs with a force that tore the air from his lungs. His shoulder stung with renewed pain, and he could feel the gargantuan pony drawing closer. “I’m sorry, but you made me do this!”

A look of wicked pleasure flashed across Lyra’s features as she spoke, and it did not go unnoticed. She maintained her false anger as she turned her back on him in a huff. It was only then that Alfonz noticed he was dangerously level with the mare’s hindquarters.

And then, with abrupt violence, his field of view was filled with the unicorn’s minty fur. She had slammed her rear against him, pinning him to the wall as soon as her magic released its hold. The short fibers of hair he was pressed against felt like knives poking holes in his skin, and the pressure on his chest, waist, and legs was enormous. Thankfully, she had aimed well enough to keep his head relatively free, but he found himself having to fight to take a clear breath of air every now and again.

And the heat. The mare’s body warmth alone made him feel as though he was in a sauna.

The pressure only continued to grow as Lyra lowered the front of her body to the ground. All four hooves appeared to be aiding her in her efforts now, the mare twitching and shifting at random, as if trying to smear him across the wall. At this point, each breath the man took came in desperate gasps. Alfonz wasn’t sure if the unicorn was trying to kill him, or had simply lost herself in her own ecstasy; from between the fur slowly driving itself into his skin, he could see her face contorted in a bizarre and intense form of pleasure.

“Please,” he gasped, tugging on clumps of hair as hard as he could. “I can’t…breathe!”

The mare was too far gone to care, if she cared at all. The tiny human could feel his bones breaking, the strain so intense he let out a silent, defiant scream. And then, suddenly, it was over.

Lyra teetered unsteadily, her eyes unfocused and misty. With no magic or equine rump holding him up, Alfonz slid to the base of the wall in a heap, grasping at his chest as he tried to regain his composure. A moment after he reached the ground, the unicorn’s rear smacked against the wall with a loud thump, where she continued to twist and gyrate as if he were still in her possession. The man coughed as he rolled over, his hands jumping to his mouth in an effort to stifle the noise. The oblivious mare hadn’t noticed the loss, and he had no intention of giving himself away.

Alfonz swallowed what remained of his pain and crawled his way toward freedom. The door, his glorious salvation, was just down the hall. At first, all he could muster was a struggling crawl. But as he moved closer and closer to freedom, he found his strength returning. If he could just get through that door, he would be free. The man stood up, transitioning into a limp. There would be so many places to hide, and the unicorn would not find him again. He broke into a hobbled run, the glorious doorway before him shifting in and out of view as his head bobbed. Lyra was finally preoccupied, but he didn’t know for how long. This was his only shot, and by God, he was going to take it.

Although it felt like an eternity, the man finally reached his destination, and hesitated before it. He couldn’t exactly open the door, but perhaps he didn’t have to. Light was bleeding into the hallway from underneath the door; apparently, ponies didn’t care very much about airtightness. Alfonz lowered himself to the ground with a wince of pain, flattening himself as much as he could. Perhaps the events prior had been a blessing in disguise; the crazed mare’s rump had certainly made him more compact than he had been prior.

The man pushed through the crack with his legs, managing to get his head and chest out with little difficulty. The rest came even more easily as he used his arms to pull the remainder of his body free. Free. Just like that, he was free from a nightmare.

Or was he? He was still tiny, still stuck in Ponyville, and still surrounded by gargantuan horny pastel colored ponies. He was far from home free, but at least he wasn’t suffocating under the arse of a monster horse.

His immediate course of action, if nothing else, was painfully clear: get the hell away from Lyra’s place. When she found he was no longer there, she would undoubtedly come looking for him, and he wanted to be as far away as possible when it happened. Hopping off into the grass, the man found himself once again engulfed by the greenery. Progress would be even slower than usual, but at least he had the element of stealth on his side. As the tiny human determined his next course of action, he struggled through the grass as best he could, intent on leaving the foul lair of his abductor far behind.

A few ponies moseyed about not far away – to a creature of normal height – but appeared deceptively far away to the microscopic man. None of them seemed to be aware of his presence, however, and he felt himself relax a little. If he kept low and remained in the cover of the grass, it was unlikely he would be discovered. Regardless, he hadn’t a clue how to proceed. His one place of safety – Canterlot – was beyond him in his current state, and without magic of his own or a friendly face to courier him, what the hell could he do?

Alfonz was so intent on his thoughts that he almost didn’t notice the new arrival. A few of the ponies had already come and gone around him at this point, and normally he wouldn’t have paid much attention, but this one was more than a little peculiar. A unicorn mare of a light red color and darker red mane was sweeping from side to side with her nose to the ground like a bloodhound on the hunt. The unicorn’s underbelly sagged abnormally low to the ground and, in a moment of profound confusion, Alfonz had thought her pregnant. When the excess girth reverberated with a sharp movement, however, he realized the truth.

How strange. Although many body types existed in Equestria, most nameless “background ponies” had been – almost to the point of being eerie – cut from the same mold. Now, for the first time since he had arrived in Equestria, he was seeing a pony that was actually overweight – even if said weight only seemed to collect around her stomach.

Was her abnormal behavior connected to this somehow? Was he about to witness some cartoony display about a chubby pony on the hunt for pastries and other foods? Alfonz chuckled at the thought, but the sound died in his throat as he realized the mare was drawing closer. Ducking into the grass, the miniaturized human only allowed for his eyes to peek over the greenery, watching the red mare weave back and forth. When she first appeared, her hoofsteps were lost in the distance, but now, he could feel them vibrating his bones. The unicorn seemed incredibly focused on her task, almost tearing the grass from the ground with each sniff. She was definitely hot on the trail of something, and Alfonz could feel his uneasiness building.

In moments, the shadow of the mare had plunged him into darkness. The equine herself was looming not far away, and throughout her search her nose drew very close at times, but always veered away abruptly before reaching his hiding place. Eventually, after several tense moments, she turned her back to him and stalked off, her sniffing only intensifying. Alfonz finally let out a breath, but abruptly choked on it as the mare swung around and lunged.

Alfonz’s world became pitch black as the unicorn’s mouth closed around him. He could feel the monstrous horse’s teeth press against his waist, and feared for a moment that this would be his end. The feeling was deliberately gentle, however, and he found himself ascending rapidly as the red mare raised her head. She was carrying him now – he could feel the rhythmic shift of his new abductor as she walked – and, although he couldn’t see it, he could sense how pleased she was with herself.

The man found himself giggling in oblivious relief, the sound almost seeming to echo in the dark confines of the unicorn’s mouth. Another near death experience to add to his ever-growing list! Why a unicorn, with all their obnoxious magic, would be carrying him around in her mouth like a filthy mud pony was beyond him, but he didn’t care. He was a prisoner again, but he didn’t care. He wasn’t dead, and that was enough for now.

“I appreciate the ride, but can you let me down now?” he asked, ignoring the fruitlessness of his actions. He was feeling a bizarre rush of hope, and just couldn’t help himself. “Really, it’s fine. Just let me out of here, it’s disgusting.” His head and chest were already coated in saliva, and it was more than a little gross.

The mysterious red mare relaxed her jaw slightly, giving him some much needed breathing room. As Alfonz opened his mouth to give her a sarcastic “thank you”, the mare gently tilted her head back. “Wh-what the hell are you doing?!” he cried, trying to find some sort of purchase on the unicorn’s slippery tongue. He tried to hook his feet on her teeth, but found himself far too late. With a sudden intake of air, the man was sent sliding rapidly toward the back of her throat. Despite all his efforts to stop his descent in the seconds that followed, he could only manage to turn himself around. In moments, his legs dangled over the edge of the abyss, and the man lunged for something – anything – to save his life.

His desperate grabs finally found salvation in the form of the unicorn’s back teeth – the very last tooth, to be exact. Clinging for his life, Alfonz’s surroundings were sparsely lit by the light seeping in from the mare’s partially opened mouth. The gargantuan equine’s tongue twitched a few times in an attempt to dislodge him, but had little effect.

Alfonz screamed, incoherently and relentlessly. He could barely think, his mind clouded by a mix of fear, desperation, and confusion. What the fuck was this? Of all the possible outcomes of his life in this twisted version of Equestria, he had never expected “being eaten by a pony” to be one of them. Not in a million years. And for good reason; they were herbivores, extremely strict herbivores. None of this made sense. It was maddening.

The tiny human tried to calm down; losing his shit now would not help the situation. He needed to think. He could feel the unicorn moving, her pace unaltered despite the circumstances. Did she think so little of her actions?

Alfonz hung there, his grip gradually losing what remained of its strength, for what felt like an eternity. He tried calling out to the mare, either to plead for his life or damn her to the deepest bowels of hell, but received no response. Only the distant sounds of his host’s beating heart, and the occasional muffled sound from the world beyond, reached his ears now. Light would come and go as the unicorn opened and closed her mouth, raising his hopes of possible rescue numerous times in the process, only to see them crushed before him. He had tried to be the architect of his own freedom – trying to pull himself up from his doom – a few times, but the pain in his arms and chest barely allowed him to maintain his grip, let alone climb.

And then, without warning, the mare stopped.

Alfonz held his breath. Whether this was a good thing or a bad thing, he couldn’t tell. The unicorn hadn’t attempted to dislodge him so far, no matter how easy such a thing would be in her position. But she had also tried to kill him; he doubted she had suddenly grown a conscience.

The man was abruptly blinded as the mare opened her mouth wide, his eyes having grown accustomed to the disgusting dark. Before he could brace for what was to come, the unicorn dropped her head down at an angle. The sudden shift in direction threw Alfonz’s legs over his head, and the man was forced to relinquish his grasp on the tooth or risk breaking his wrists.

He found himself falling along the slick surface of the monstrous pony’s tongue once again, but, to his relief, he was headed away from the dreaded abyss that was the mare’s throat. His world suddenly became painfully bright as he spilled out of her mouth, landing with a soft thud in the grass. Even before his eyes regained their focus, the man was already crawling; he didn’t have the luxury of waiting around to leave at his convenience. This was a miracle of an opportunity – one of many today – and he prayed it would have as much success as the others.

The sharp greenery of hillside grass slowly faded into view all around him. The tiny man was pushing and groping his way through the sharp blades, like a newborn unfamiliar with the world around it. He couldn’t tell where he had been taken to, but the grass told him he was still outside, and not being confined to a crazy horse’s domain was already a major plus.

A sudden pressure on his back abruptly forced him deeper into the grass. Alfonz winced as the blades cut into his skin in places, but the true pain had yet to come. As he reached the bare dirt beneath the grass, the object above him only continued to press downward, sending a spike of pain through his chest. His ribs had not come out of his previous encounter unscathed; the pressure on him now only continued to remind him of that fact.

“Now now, don’t be like that,” a voice cooed from above. The man watched as the familiar haze of a unicorn’s magic bled into his view, this one a light red in color. The pressure relented at last, and he found himself ascending. This gave him a chance to observe his surroundings, at least; they were on some sort of a hill in the country, with a large apple tree situated at the top. Alfonz was slowly turned to face his captor, and found that she had taken up residence underneath the shadow of the tree. The mysterious red mare laid herself out on her side luxuriously, drawing considerable attention to her weightier midsection.

Before his aggressor now, Alfonz quickly found the strength to speak.

“What…the hell,” he began lowly, staring, unblinkingly, at the gargantuan pony before him. She only continued to smile. “What the fuck was that?” he asked, his voice dangerously quiet. “You’re a horse. Horses don’t eat meat.”

“I’m willing to give you a chance-“ the mare began, giving him an amused roll of her eyes.

Alfonz was half a second from laying into the mare with all his remaining strength, but hesitated at the last moment. Apparently, his plight wasn’t over, and this wasn’t as surprising as it should be. “What do you mean, ‘a chance’?”

“You’re a tenacious little thing! So I’ve decided to give you a head start. Play a little game, mm?”

“Well thank-fucking-god for that. You’re too kind,” the man replied bitterly, scowling at her. “Can you at least tell me your name, so I can find you later and turn you into glue?”

The mare thought for a moment. “No,” she said at last, relinquishing her magical control and allowing him to fall – quite painfully – back to the earth below.

“Real…fair,” he muttered, loud enough for his aggressor to hear. “Damn near break my legs, then expect me to get away from that horn.”

“Oh, I won’t be using any magic, silly!” the unicorn replied with a playful wave of her hoof. Alfonz wasn’t sure how to respond to that. With her magic out of the way, things should be much easier for him. But the fact she felt so confident without it made him uneasy.

A tense silence descended over the two.

“I would get moving if I were you,” the mare said at last, her concern surprisingly genuine.

Alfonz started with a jolt, realizing that his life was in danger. The tiny human took off into what could have been a run, had he been on level footing – with the grass constantly in his way, it looked more like “drunken falling in the direction of freedom.”

His progress was slow, of course. He had come to appreciate how much effort it took to get around at this scale by now, that was sure. If you didn’t have wings, grass was damn near your mortal enemy. And being human-shaped probably didn’t help; he wasn’t exactly designed to move up and down blades of grass at the speed an insect would. Even after five minutes of grueling, unrelenting foraging through the greenery, he could still see the top of the mare’s head looming in the distance.

If she was expecting a challenge, she would surely be disappointed.

Even as Alfonz hurried over another clump of grass, he wracked his brain for some kind of an answer to the situation. Simply outrunning the unicorn was out of the question for very obvious reasons. He could try and hide, and, normally, he would have guessed it would work. But given how the mysterious red horse had found him in the first place, it was unlikely to do more than delay the inevitable.

Unlike his previous encounters, where he had a handful of stupid or otherwise ridiculous ideas that would sometimes work out, now, he had none. Unless Princess Luna fell from the sky and suplexed the mare into oblivion, he was beyond screwed.

And, for once, he wasn’t making a pun.

“Ready or not, here I come!” the cheery voice of his executioner echoed behind him. By now, at least, he could no longer see her. He estimated it would take about twenty seconds for her to reach his location, though.

All Alfonz could do was press on for as long as possible. Pushing another collection of blades out of the way, he stole a quick glance over his shoulder. Sure enough, the unicorn’s head reappeared just above the grass around him, swerving from side to side in long sweeps. Instinctively, he stopped; she appeared to be scanning the grass for movement, and he wasn’t going to make it that easy for her.

Slowly, he lowered himself deeper into the greenery. The enormous equine disappeared behind the towering blades as he sank, thinking. Moving was too dangerous now, but perhaps he had gotten as far as was necessary. Lowering himself onto his stomach, Alfonz found a sizeable space between the grass blades and struggled through it. Normally, he had moved through the foliage by pushing what stood before him to the side, or mashed it down so he could step over it. Doing so had the side effect of making a small indentation in the grass itself, at least until he passed and the grass sprung back into place.

Now, he was doing the opposite; he hoped to hide in an undisturbed patch, and maybe, by some miracle, pass by the mare’s searching gaze. He also crawled back the way he came, hoping that if the unicorn was hunting him by scent, she would travel the length of the trail to seek him out. If he simply hid at the end of said trail, his detection would be inevitable.

His plan, as hasty and ill-advised as ever, was beyond a shot in the dark, but it was all he had.

Alfonz felt the approach of his foe. His face buried in the grass, he felt somewhat safer knowing that he could not see his doom, much like how an ostrich feels safer with its head in the dirt. A second after the feeling began, it reached a new level of strength. Only now, with the red giant looming over him, did he realize how serious the danger of being crushed was. Perhaps hiding wasn’t as safe an option as he thought.

The man’s heart began to race as the thunderous progress of his enemy did not continue. Did his ploy about the trail fail? Or was she completely oblivious to where he was, and her proximity was simply a coincidence?

A sudden gout of air washed over the man’s back, and for another fear-stricken moment he thought his time had come at last. A moment later, he felt a renewed radiance shine upon him, and summoned just enough courage to take a glance at the source. The grass that had been directly above him, shielding him from his doom, had been completely stripped away, revealing him to the sun. The monstrous equine he had been hiding from loomed overhead, chewing contently.

She looked him right in the eye as she swallowed.

“Oh come on!” Alfonz cried, rolling onto his back. He had barely lasted a minute! What the hell kind of a chance did he really have?!

“Hi there!” the unicorn greeted with an innocent smile. “That was fun!”

“It was a blast,” the tiny human replied sarcastically, glaring up at her.

“Now I think some quality time is in order,” the mare declared. Alfonz watched in horror was the equine’s gargantuan head descended upon him, engulfing up to his waist within her dripping maw once more. His legs flailing outside her lips in protest, the tiny human was brought back up the hill with his captor. The experience was many times more horrifying than the last; instead of merely holding him in place with her teeth, she assailed him with her tongue like he was some sort of living popsicle.

After one particularly violent jostle, the mare’s jaws relented and he spilled out of her mouth with a gasp. Falling a short distance, Alfonz’s impact was a surprisingly soft one. Instead of the jagged vigil of grass blades, he found himself on the soft bristle of pony fur; instead of the hard earth beneath his arse, he found only cushiony flesh.

The monstrous equine was seated beneath the tree once more, in the same position as before. He was perched on her distended stomach with her enormous head not far away, her luminous emerald eyes putting a tangible weight on his body with their gaze. Quite the lazy position for someone about to kill him, surely, but with the horn of hers, she wouldn’t need very much to do it.

“Why?” he asked, falling to his hands and knees. “This is not how ponies work…”

“It’s nothing personal. Really!” his captor assured him with a surprising level of sincerity. “I just can’t help myself.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that before…” he muttered. He paused. “Wait what– “

The unicorn’s magic gripped him before he could complete the thought. The following seconds were a nightmarish blur. He was hoisted above the mare’s head, suspended by his arms like some sort of offering of grapes to bedridden nobility. Her mouth opened beneath him, its gargantuan width only adding to the horror of the moment. It was a sickening fate. After all he had endured, this was how Alfonz’s life would end.

The unicorn’s magic cut out, and the tiny man was thrust into a free fall. Seconds later, the mare’s jaws slammed shut around him, plunging him into the grotesque darkness he had longed to escape from not long ago. Alfonz could feel a brief impact he had with his foe’s tongue before he entered another free-fall. This time, there would be no last ditched effort that saved him from his fate. The enormous equine swallowed, and the man was pulled down to his doom.

What happened next, he could scarcely remember. With no light inside the interior of a pony, he could not see his hand in front of his face. With no oxygen inside the gullet of a living creature, he quickly found himself choking on his last ounce of air. And with corrosive acid all around him, it didn’t take long for him to start feeling its sting. What his host had done after her victory, he hadn’t a clue. With only the rhythmic beating of her heart to console him, Alfonz struggled to maintain consciousness in his toxic environment.

And then it was over…and not in the way he had expected.

With a bright flash, a rush of air filled his lungs. Sight returned to his eyes, blinding him with sudden light and color. The sounds of birds chirping in the distance reached his ears, and the gentle – perhaps less so at this scale – caress of the wind blew by his face. All the wonders of his senses returned to him, filling him with astonishment and confusion.

As his eyes gradually adjusted to the sudden change, he found himself staring into the gigantic orbs of the pony who was to be his doom.

“Wha…Ho…I don’t,” he stammered, his mind reeling from what had just transpired. Alfonz manically examined himself to confirm that he was, in fact, alive; besides minor damage done to his clothes, the man was intact and unharmed.

“What?” the unicorn asked. “You thought I was going to…? Haha!” she laughed, giving him a wild smile. “I’m a pony, silly!”

“I don’t even brain can’t am fuck,” Alfonz deadpanned, his eyes wide and his face contorting in the deepest frown he could muster. This was madness. This was a place of pure insanity.

The red glow of the monstrous horse’s magic returned, gently lifting Alfonz off his perch on her midsection. The man hardly resisted, his brain fried and desperately attempting to maintain its place in reality. His leg slowly bent at the knee, exposing the bottom of his shoe. The bright glow from the limb seemed to snap him out of his delirium, and he turned to regard it. A bright green rune, etched in blazing magicks, was positioned dead center on the sole of his sneaker.

“What…” he muttered, unsure how to process the new information.

“So I could find you,” the unicorn explained, “when you were…inside,” she concluded sheepishly. “I didn’t cheat in our game earlier, promise!”

Alfonz slowly looked from the rune to the one responsible, completely dumbfounded. “I want to go home…”

“Oh, but didn’t you have fun today?” the red giant asked, seeming almost desperate. “We can keep having fun together. You don’t have to leave.”

The tiny human gave her a strange look, one of both disgust and confusion. Then, it dawned on him. Even if she didn’t want to truly eat him, she wanted this to become a regular thing. To endure that, over and over, only to be retrieved and forced through it again…

“I’m sure you’ll warm up to the idea!” the mare said at last, giving him another wide smile, in the same refusal-denying tone he had come to expect. Just the sight of her grin gave him the creeps.

This was a fate worse than death.

“Can you put me down, please?”

The nameless mare hesitated for a moment before relenting with a nod. Alfonz was gently lowered back into the grass, and the mare made no move to guard against possible escape. Branded as he was, even if he somehow evaded her, she would surely find him again in no time.

That didn’t stop him from running, though.

Flinging himself through the greenery like a wild man, Alfonz didn’t care about the pointlessness of his actions. He had been pushed beyond all reason. He just wanted to get away, to leave this waking nightmare behind.

In the distance, he could see another pony coming toward the hill; a plain, tan-skinned mare with a deep blue mane. At first, he paid it little mind, but then something caught his eye. There was something strange about this pony, and for a moment he thought it might be another chubby variant. No, that wasn’t it, but he could see something between its legs. No…not just one; there were two of them.

They were…they were…

Alfonz A. Clyde, a man who had been beset by horny equines for months, fought in many a fierce pony-punching battle, survived being robusted with a giant horse’s arse and endured the descent into another’s gullet, screamed in horror and fainted on the spot.

Author's Note:

Well there we go, Dawn's very own dose of bonus content, but not a parody this time! It is, in fact, something quite different.

I definitely pushed my own self-imposed boundaries with this one, but I think (and hope) it was still a fun, snarky time like the rest of the story.

Tell me what ya think, noble readers, and I thank ya for months of following this wacky tale :twilightsmile: