• Published 20th Dec 2012
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Cultural Artifacts - Dan_s Comments



A little piece of Earth arrives in Equestria, a human and it's home. The citizens of Ponyville and Princess Luna struggle with this newcomer, as it struggles with them.

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4) Redactions

Dan's Comments

Cultural Artifacts - Redactions

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

Day 8

"So you thought you could just use the Elements and I would go away?"

Luna heard the voice, a voice that had tormented her for over a millennium. "The Elements banished you back into the dark hole you crawled out of!" she growled her reply, but searched the darkness around her for any clue to her location or her opponent.

"But there are cracks and folds I could hide in. Even all the scrubbing of your soul can't wash away where my talons left their mark."

"Then I name you, Nightmare Moon. You are just a children's story now. An excuse for pranks and eating candy," Luna spoke to the darkness all around her.

"But I have a new place. I have a new dwelling. It isn't as fine as my old shell. But it will resist you far longer that I could alone."

"Reveal it, and I shall put your boast to the test," Luna called out. The darkness lifted. The monster's house stood revealed. "I have seen his mind, and his fears," Luna told her tormentor, "You would have no chance. They would run you down and crush you."

"I, take possession of that apelike meatbag?" the entity who had made Luna into Nightmare Moon laughed. "The house I possess. And I brought a ready defender. You will destroy all he has worked for to root me out? You will destroy him?"

"I think once we explain it," Luna said, "He will do the job himself." She looked around. "Did you honestly expect to hide from me in a dream? In a dream of my own?"

"I never left," the voice taunted, "What you became will always be me. But so much of it was also you. The Elements cannot deny that there are things that Celestia has, which will never be yours."

She caught the flawed logic. "And there is something Celestia herself has seen which I alone have. It balances out." Her horn blazed, and lying on the ground were bits of armor, and a long, sharp, alicorn horn. "If you were anything except my own anxiety, I would harry you to the ends of the dream realms."

"Bury me away, lock me in symbols that you never touch, exile me to the darkest places in your mind, but you cannot deny that you first invited me in."

Luna ignored the laughter and marched into the house through the glass doors without opening or damaging them.


Luna woke from the dream and glanced around. She lay on the carpeted floor of the monster's house, a blanket over her, and a black, stuffed toy clutched in her hooves. "I think I am not yet free of the effects of last night," she said quietly. She looked around again. "I just hope Captain Armor has an explanation of how I arrived here if this isn't just another dream. I would dread to think I had become a sleep walker, or worse, a sleep teleporter."

She looked at the details of the carpet, and her hoof. "And if this too is just a dream, how deeply am I enmeshed? Luna, in retrospect 'borrowing' much of his psychosis so he might heal himself of the rest was an extraordinarily bad idea."


Luna stood in the main square of Ponyville. Life went on around her with an air of total normality. "This is not Ponyville," she growled, "They were preparing for the welcome party. There was controlled chaos everywhere. This is yet another dream."

"Hiii!" Pinkie said as she bounced around, "This is great! Don't you think it's great? We can have a party before the party! A pre-party party! And then when the other guests arrive, we can invite them here and have a post-party party!"

"And you think you can escape this place?" Luna asked.

"Sure," Pinkie said and raced for the horizon.

Luna heard the scream and watched the pinkie blur descend from directly above and crash into the ground.

"That wasn't supposed to happen," Pinkie Pie explained. Her voice distorted by her face being flattened. Pinkie shook her head, returning it to normal. "Hmm, something's not right about all of this."

"Do tell?" the Princess asked.

"Princess Luna!" Twilight arrived. "My books! They're all talking! Well, complaining. They're accusing me of hoarding them, and wearing out their words by reading them and -"

"If I'm right corporal, you are in a lot of trouble," Shining Armor told the terrified soldier as he Glory, Mile Stone and several other guards arrived. "We're asleep. Aren't we your Highness?" Armor glared at the corporal who visibly wilted.

"Unfortunately, yes," Luna admitted.

"Isn't it great?!" Pinkie shouted. "We can play and have fun all night, and then wake up and play so more."

"Assuming we can deal with the insanity," Twilight said as she looked back at the library and shuddered.

The arrival of a black, horseless wagon containing the monster and the Apple family stilled talk for a bit as the family extricated themselves with the monster's help. Applebloom seemed the most enthusiastic to have ridden in it. Granny Smith had slept through it.

"If we're asleep, how did she fall asleep during a dream?" Twilight asked.

"Ah'd like to know when Discord got loose," Applejack said. "We got zap apples big as hoofballs growing on the cornstalks, muffins growin' on the apple trees, the timberwolves have been deliverin' written apologies to the cows, and this you have to see." She waved Applebloom forward. The filly was carefully carrying a basket that was lined with a doll-sized quilt. She set it down. Inside were seven, tiny Rainbow Dashes. Cyan body and mane a different, single color of the rainbow.

"What's happening!?" the chorus of Dashes asked.

"It's a dream!" Pip said as he and several other foals trotted up. "Princess Luna will set it right!"

His loyalty warmed Luna's heart. "We'll get out," she assured him.

"This is fascinating. I've never heard of ponies all sharing a dream," Twilight said. She was immediately surrounded by a swarm of Rainbow Dashes.

"If you think this is 'wonderful'," the chorus complained. "I just want it to be over."

"Well, someone got up on the wrong side of her basket," Rarity said as she arrived. "I think someone should check up on Fluttershy. She was dozing in my spare room, but she wasn't there when I woke here. And if I can't find Sweetie Belle, she is going to be in trouble for being up and about at this hour."

The sound of a trumpet fanfare drew Luna's attention. The monster was looking rather chagrined and irritated at having made the noise.

"Do it again!" Pinkie said as she bounced next to him, "Do it again!"

He stuck out his tongue and made a noise like the rapid fire of party cannons. Then frowned and scowled at Luna.

"At least someone is having a worse day than I am," Luna admitted. "Spitfire, take a local pegasus and go to Fluttershy's cottage. Stay in sight of each other at all times." She rubbed her forehead with her hoof.

Before the Wonderbolt could leave, Fluttershy arrived, with the mayor, Derpy and Dinky, several more Ponyvillians, and a second Luna.

"There she is," Fluttershy said. She stood beside her Luna and pointed to the Luna beside Twilight and Rarity.

"Now I see where this is going," Luna said despondently.

The other Luna ordered, "Seize the imposter! She is Nightmare Moon revived!"

The ponies gasped and backed away from Luna. Several of the guards charged their horns, as did Twilight and Rarity.

"Yes, I am Nightmare Moon!" the Luna beside Twilight announced, "I am going to mine the moon and give free cheese to everyone until the griffon cheese manufacturers are driven out of business!" Luna shouted and cackled, "Then I am going to change all the tablecloths into doilies and make brass the next flavor of ice cream! Because I am EVIL!" She laughed and rubbed her hooves together. "Then I am going to draft every able-bodied stallion into my personal harem, and make them feed me peeled grapes all night long!" She sidled up to Rarity. "Clothing will be banned!"

"Oh the horror," Rarity said and rolled her eyes.

"Everyone will wear decorative moustaches! Hats will henceforth be called head rockets, and -" Luna sighed. "I just want this to be over," she said and hung her head.

There was a very unfunny bang. Fluttershy stared at the monster as he lowered the smoking carrot he'd 'shot' the other Luna with. The horn with the smoking base and bits of armor were all that was left of that Luna.

"That's Nightmare Moon's armor!" Twilight gasped.

"Yes, darling," Rarity said, "We shall have an end to it. Lotus Blossom, Aloe, take her Highness to the spa. Full treatment."

"I don't think a spa treatment is going to help," Luna said.

"Oh, I think it will. And we're going to have a little chat while we're at it," Rarity said. Outwardly all smiles and silk, with sharpened steel beneath. "Oh Fluttershy, would you mind accompanying us. I think the Princess could use a bit of a massage while Lotus and Aloe are making her all wonderful."

"Ah, okay," the yellow pegasus said and followed.

"What are we supposed to do?" Twilight asked.

"Why don't you go reread all your books? Or have a reshelving party?"

"Ooo! I can test my new party cannon!" Pinkie announced, "The one I just thought of!"

"Of course, dear." Rarity looked at the spot where Pinkie Pie had been as the Pinkie- shaped cloud dissipated. "Then the rest of you can spend the rest of this nightmare scooping cake frosting off the buildings," Rarity said.

"Oh, and you, Mister Monster, please accompany us," Rarity said. When he didn't move, Rarity smiled. "Fluttershy, please escort our guest to the spa. I'm sure he is simply bursting to help."

"I don't think a facial and a bath will help matters," Luna said, "For either of us."

"Oh, I'm sure they will." Rarity smiled. Then the grin changed, becoming dangerous. She said quietly, "I'm equally sure our affable, high-strung monster's carrot is still loaded. Now move, your Highness." Rarity bowed, but never stopped smiling, and never took her eyes off Luna.


Rarity's horn magic carefully lifted the near-puddle that was the princess out of the hot tub, and onto a massage bed. The shampoo and wing wash had done their work, aided in no small part by Lotus and Aloe's eager and inventive new assistant. If he ever needs a job, those two will be able to charge premium prices for a short treatment with him, Rarity thought and hid her eager grin before she frightened somepony, But the hot, herbal soak reduced her Highness to pudding. As planned.

"Fingers," Luna said drowsily as Aloe applied the facial and Lotus Blossom began a hooficure. The monster, under Fluttershy's careful instruction, managed to combine toweling off Luna with a massage.

Oh, they'd better hire him. If he goes into business, he'll drive them out of it, Rarity considered.

"I am so glad we can communicate," Rarity happily said to him.

Malevolent grins being universal, and the more the princess demurred, the more eager he was to help, she thought as she watched her plans come together, She enjoyed the shampoo and wing wash. Good to know he'll know how to do it later.

"Now your Highness. I hope you're feeling very relaxed," Rarity said as she stood near Luna's head, "Because there's only one being in Equestria who could draw an entire town into a dream. And it isn't Nightmare Moon."

"You accuse me?" Luna said, but the tension drifted away under the combined ministrations of Rarity's coconspirators.

"I make the logical deduction," Rarity said cheerfully. "You were quite disturbed about how you were going to save our friend. You spoke of specific items and instances I won't go into here. I think you want to blame someone, anyone else, for what you did. You can't forgive yourself, because you haven't asked him to forgive you."

"How do I ask forgiveness? In a few months I might be able to write a note. Right now, it is impossible."

"Put yourself in his hands. Show the consequences of what you did and how it hurt you. I think that's been demonstrated rather clearly. Everyone seems to forget an important part of Dinky and Dinky's story. The Diamond Dog who called off his fellows and didn't attack, escaped unscathed," Rarity said, "You were right about the Bearers of the Elements. But I think you were wrong about one thing. Something we've all been wrong about for centuries."

"What's that?" Luna said languidly as the relaxation worked its magic.

"There is a 'social' species on Equestria. One who doesn't need a herd to feel comfortable, but does desperately need others."

"What species is that?" Luna asked sleepily.

"Alicorns," Rarity replied softly. "Someone did something awful to save a life. Now she wants to be punished. You are punishing yourself. But you also need to be forgiven so the punishment can end." She leaned close and whispered to Luna, "I think if you are going to go trotting along everywhere, someone is going to need to know how to properly comb and curry a mare."

Luna bolted to her feet. "What?!" She'd scattered her attendant and their tools. Fluttershy was hiding among the ceiling rafters.

"Do you really want me to repeat it?" Rarity asked. She smiled at her Highness.

Luna bowed her head. "I hate this."

"If you want to be forgiven, you have to humble yourself. I think someone wants to forgive you almost as much as you need to hear it." Rarity looked at the others who were listening intently. All of them. "Now ladies, our new friend needs to know how to curry up a mare so she gleams like a showpony." As Rarity grinned wickedly at Luna, and she saw the answering grin on the monster's face.

Luna seated herself back on the table and braced for all the horrors of a clumsy brushing.


Rarity closed the door once the others filed out into the hallways of the spa. Leaving Luna and the monster alone.

"What was that secret you and her Highness were talking about?" Lotus asked eagerly.

"A lady never gossips," Rarity said primly, "About ponies who can lock you up for the rest of your life."

"Will they be all right?" Fluttershy asked as she tried to peek under the door.

"You seem to trust him," Rarity said.

"Oh, I meant Princess Luna, with him. She seems to get angry very easily."

"Well girls, I will say this," Rarity whispered. She had the trio's complete and undivided attention. "Someone desperately needed a special somepony."

"With him?" Aloe squeaked.

"Don't be so crass," Rarity scolded, "To brush and curry her. To listen to her complaints and sympathize. But she is a Princess. Immortal. A god among ponies. What stallion could she trust who would be there for her, and not for her position?"

"A monster, who cares nothing for those things," Lotus said. "But when he learns?"

"My dear Lotus, he shan't care then either. As that charming Captain Armor said, the poor dear walks as if a bright blade hovers over his head restrained by a single hair. That the blade has a name would not matter."

"They would - kill him?" Aloe said and gulped.

"If he is as dangerous as Discord, or Nightmare Moon, the pony-sisters would deal with him. Not easily and not gently. But we all know he isn't. You saw. Now we shall -" Rarity looked out the window at Ponyville and her eyes widened at what had half-covered the town. "We shall hope Pinkie runs out of ammunition. Before she buries all of Equestria in cupcakes."


Luna woke. The words she'd been forced to utter burned her pride. Worse, the only answer had been a pat, and the soothing stroke of the brush though her coat, her mane and her tail.

"This is the waking world," Emerald Light said as he glowed with his namesake.

"A dream could say as much," Luna replied. The languid feeling of the dream persisted. "Am I a nice pony?" she asked quietly.

"You and her Majesty are good ponies," Emerald Light said, "It is not necessarily the same. If my hoof was infected, you would cut it off immediately, and perhaps without my agreement, to save my leg. That is not a comfortable place to be. But it is very necessary for anyone who commands. I do not like firing any member of your staff. Especially one you have come to know. But while they can be your friend. Their first task is to do the job they were hired for. Charming ponies are common. Charming ponies who can still work are the ones you need. I dare say, the situation is greater with you and your sister."

"Yes," Luna replied.

"Once the party is over, and the guests have returned home, I suggest a quiet canter in the country. Perhaps a single stallion, properly armed, to jaunt through Everfree to the old castle. I'm sure you will have no end of enthusiastic volunteers," Emerald Light said as his light dimmed and the light of the moon brightened.

"You have been talking with Rarity," Luna accused.

"I have been serving my liege, as has she. A true friend will give a pat on the head in public, and a kick in the flank in private, if that is what is necessary," Emerald Light said, "And you have many friends, your Highness."

"Thank you," Luna said as she rose to start her very early day.


Day 9

Rarity moved among her friends in her shop. Her idea! had gone over well, and all she needed was a few details from each of them. "None of you seem the worse for your experience, and I'm certain her Highness was quite satisfied by the outcome," she said happily, "Applejack, have you picked yet?"

Applejack hooved through the book the monster had dropped off for Rarity. "I kinda like the green and pink one. It's like plants or somethin'. And I don't have to change mah mane-style."

"Ooo, Rarity! Can I be the little, pink one? And have a hat like her mane?" Pinkie asked excitedly.

"Pinkie, you don't have an invitation. I will make you the dress though. Maybe we can prevail upon her Highness," Rarity said. "Fluttershy, I shall certainly need your help." She smiled at the pegasus' nod. "And to think, I assumed their clothing was boring."

"Rainbow, have you decided?" Twilight asked.

"Yeah, that one with the short, yellow mane and the yellow and blue dress. She looks tough." Rainbow looked at the drawing in the book closely. "Are you sure these are even the same species? They look way different from the stallion."

"Sexual dimorphism is not uncommon in species," Twilight said as she looked through the book.

"I know that!" Rainbow said, "But are they the same species?"

Twilight facehoofed.

"Rarity," Sweetie Belle asked, "Are you gonna dress Opal up like the cat in these pictures?"

Opal roused herself to explain with perfect clarity what she thought of that idea.

"I'll get some disinfectant for that," Applejack offered to Sweetie Belle. The filly stood blinking as the claw scratches across her face reddened.

"I like the one with the red hair bow and the orange," Applebloom said.

"Twilight, have you picked one out?" Rarity asked.

"I'm kind of torn," Twilight admitted, "I like the purple and maroon. But I also like the one with the two shades of blue."

"I think the purple and maroon would show off your mane far better," Rarity said.

"So you want the blue on blue?" Twilight said seriously, then grinned.

"No, I want the fine lady of the group. The black and garnet will be just stunning. Although I shall do without the fancy club," Rarity said.

"Can I have the blue and red?" Derpy asked.

"Of course dear," Rarity said.

"Can I have the blue on blue, Twilight?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"Okay, if you want it, that solves my indecision," Twilight said.

"Hey Scoots, there's the red and purple, and the green and blue left," Rainbow said.

"I kinda like the green and blue, besides, she's always hanging out with the yellow and blue one," Scootaloo said.

"Can I have the red and purple?!" Dinky asked excitedly.

"Of course you can," Rarity said then looked over. "Oh Fluttershy, I'm sorry. We didn't save one for you."

"That's okay Rarity," Fluttershy said as she hovered over and turned the pages. "This is the one I want." She hoofed through the book. "I just love the pearls, and I love her long hair."

"Fluttershy, I may be wrong, but that's one of the villains," Twilight said.

"So?" Fluttershy asked, "We're just getting dresses, not playing roles."

"You have a point," Rarity admitted, "Besides, you don't actually think they left any of the real villains alive do you?"

"No, you're right." Twilight suddenly chuckled. "What about that cat in the picture makes me think of Princess Luna?"

The boutique rang with the friends' laughter.


Princess Luna was overseeing the arrival of numerous movers and shakers from all over Equestria. Lodgings had to be found, additional food supplies procured, and of course their sycophants demanded much of the Princess' time. This had trapped her inside the command post rather than being able to walk Ponyville and examine the situation herself.

I thought these were the less self-important, she thought, then reminded herself, The ponies are less self-important. Their staff members however.

There was also the parade of VIPs trooping out to the observation posts, but no closer. The monster was obliging the VIPs and their staffs with a bit of a show. It was photographing them as they arrived to stare at it.

"Makes one wonder who should be throwing the peanuts to whom," a shipping magnate and patron of the arts said. "No chance to go down and talk to the creature ahead of the party?"

"I'm afraid our language is unpronounceable to it," Shining Armor said, "As is its native tongue to us."

"So you figure out what sounds you can make together and make a code," the another older mare who drove the fashion scene more often not said. "Three longs and a short make one letter, two longs and a short make another. Whatever the most common letters are, those get the quickest codes. With lips like that on it, if you're telling me it can't whistle, I'll call you a liar to your face, young stallion."

"If you wouldn't mind repeating that to the unicorn mare in the library, I would be most appreciative," Shining Armor said, instead of facehoofing.

"I shall," the mare tottered away with the help of her bevy of assistant.

"How did we miss that?" Armor asked Wind Listener and the Princess when they were alone.

"Until we had that dictionary, it wasn't important," the solider said.

Armor nodded. He put on his tour guide expression as another group of VIPs trooped into the command post. "Welcome. Please hold your questions until after our short briefing," he said, "Then we'll go out and let you have a look at our guest and his native habitat."

Celestia's mercy, it sounds like a zoo, Luna thought and forced herself to smile at another self-important flunkey.


Twilight gently knocked on the creature's front door. Derpy and Spike were with her, but she felt extremely nervous about their assignment for the party. The monster opened the door. He immediately looked at Derpy. The mare nodded, and he stepped aside to let them in.

Twilight looked at the huge shelves of books, the cabinet full of mysterious objects, and heard Spike clear his throat.

"Focus Twilight," Spike warned.

"Of course. It just that," she said as her breathing sped up along with the racing of her thoughts.

"Focus," Spike reminded her.

"You're scaring him," Derpy warned.

"Right!" Twilight insisted and closed her eyes. The children's picture book of etiquette drifted out of her saddle bags and over to the table between the couches. Twilight took a seat on the couch with her back to all those books.

Yet I still feel their presence, she thought, shivering a little at the image, Like a predator waiting to spring, to rip my skull open and pour their alien knowledge within.

Twilight cleared her throat and opened the book. "This is the proper, formal way to greet royalty, and other honored guests." The diagram showed a basic hoofshake. "I don't think we'll need to go over the terms of address. But there are nuances to the hoofshake, and they differ from species to species. In fact," Twilight said.

The snoring sounds from the creature alerted her that her discussion was not being received in the manner she'd intended.

"Right," she said, "Sorry."

Derpy extended her hoof. The monster glanced at the book and extended its hand and touched her hoof.

"Not quite," Twilight said. She pointed to the nuance the creature had missed. "Let's try again, shall we? Spike demonstrate the difference."

"Okay." Spike hopped up on the table and extended a hand.


Mile Stone looked at the poor sentry and smiled. He'd watched the assembly at the perimeter around the monster's house, and moved to support the lone soldier. The VIPs had been cycled through the observation post, and now he had to deal with the consequences and dross of having important ponies around. Like a pile of road apples attracted flies. Reporters, he thought and directed a stern frown at the collection of featherheads who'd tried to barge through the perimeter. One who slipped by was now carried away on a stretcher after eating a cookie. The others steadfastly refused to take the hint.

"This is clearly a military cover up to prevent the ponies of Equestria from knowing what life exists elsewhere in the cosmos. The military doesn't want this newcomer's message of love and tolerance to sweep through the public consciousness since it will undermine the royal stranglehold on our culture."

Dear Princess Luna, the creature engaged in some target practice and there were several deaths. Most excellent shooting, but I do think we should set up a proper archery range with range safety officers to prevent a recurrence of this tragedy., Mile Stone thought, No, she'd never buy that.

"Mares and gentlecolts."

In name only, Mile Stone did not add.

"Our current arrangement precludes letting you all besiege the creature with questions it will not be able to answer," Mile Stone repeated the line the communications and public relations officers had drilled into every trooper.

"Are you hiding that the creature is toxic?" a reporter shouted.

"Are you covering up that the monster eats souls?" another one asked.

You'd be completely safe if it ate brains, Mile Stone thought.

"There are rumors a contingent of troops was sent to isolation after encountering the creature," another reporter shouted.

"Ah, our public relations officer. I'm certain he will be able to say more than I can," Mile Stone called. Then whispered, "Sorry, lad." He stepped back and let the harried officer field the questions.

Mile Stone glanced up to see Derpy and Dinky leaving the creature's home. A moment later Twilight Sparkle trudged towards the perimeter. The reporters saw her and raced around the perimeter to get to her. The mare had a panicked look. Then she and her dragon vanished.

"I must learn that trick," Mile Stone said. Then turned to the PR officer. "Buck up lad, here's round two." The reporters were heading back.

"Sergeant," the PR officer whispered in horror.

"Oh dear," Mile Stone said as the monster came out of his house with the two-wheeler. The herd of reporters raced toward the point on the perimeter the monster approached. They barraged it with questions as it set a green, water-filled bottle on a rock and waited. After a few moments, it lifted the bottle and shook it. It recorded the results, put the bottle back in the basket on the front of the two-wheeler and raced off to another point on the perimeter. The herd baying at his wheels. He exactly repeated the performance.

"Odd he'd come out and distract them precisely at lunch time," Mile Stone noted and indicated the detail approaching to relieve and feed the sentries. Then he watched it head to a third post. There were eight stops in all. It then reversed course, shook the bottle before placing it on the rock and waiting to record the results. Then the first circuit was exactly duplicated. Then the second, and so on. After nearly two hours and all the sentries had been fed and allowed to relieve themselves, the creature carefully went through its readings. It let out an absolutely terrified/terrifying shriek that stood even a soldier pony's hair on end. It raced back into its house and slammed the door.

"Interesting. It seems we're not the only one to see patterns in the 'other'," Mile Stone said, "Peaceful Solitude's detail brought food from mess to the sentries, who were able to eat in peace while the relief she'd brought stood guard, and the pack of whinnycompoops chased a will'o wisp. Most thoughtful."

The footsore, often limping reporters trudged back towards the PR officer's tent. They stayed outside the perimeter and ignored the sentries completely. Some were missing shoes and others were not longer perfectly coiffured.

"Important difference between a good officer and a reporter, Lieutenant?" Mile Stone asked Peaceful Solitude.

"I'd station one soldier at each rock and have them record the results. With one pegasus to look at any difference in the actions taken."

"Or his reaction to the data recorded," Mile Stone added, "Very good."

"What was he doing, ma'am?" the sentry asked as he retook his post.

"Determining if reporters are the same here, as on his homeworld," Peaceful Solitude said. "And to anticipate your next question soldier. I'd say they are."

"Frightening, ma'am."


It was two hours after the moon had risen. The preparations were essentially complete and all was ready. For the first time in her long life, Luna actually resented that there were ponies who were up at night and enjoying themselves. Maybe if they hadn't spent the entire day making my life miserable, she considered as the entered her tent. Too late she realized the stoic looks of her guards and of Emerald Light had been a bit too stoic.

He sat there, in her tent. On her entry he stood. He'd obviously been waiting for her.

"What do you want?" she asked, "I appreciate the help with the set up. Fingers and climbing like a monkey do have some advantages. But I have neither the time nor the patience for games." She transferred the papers she'd finished to her writing desk, and looked at him as he stood there.

He unwrapped a small package. In it was a curry comb, brush and a finishing cloth. Not the overly begemmed and filigreed assets an idiot would think a royal would use. They were good quality and workpony like.

She looked at them and frowned. "It's time you learned the word 'no'."

He just stared at her. His expression neutral with a soupcon of triumphant.

"You think you can win this?" she accused.

He yawned, and it was all she could do to avoid yawning herself.

She wanted to bite him or just poke him out of her tent. "Of course you can win this. You can sleep all day tomorrow," she managed through gritted teeth, "You didn't have to deal with self-important, unthinking fools all day. With more tomorrow."

He just stared at her. Then 'seemed' to realize, and put his hands together, put his head on his hands and made snoring sounds.

"You just want to insure you get a good night sleep!?" she growled in his face with her hooves on his shoulders.

He smiled and nodded. She was one hoof away from breaking him in half.

"I could have said chickens lay eggs and you would have nodded. You just want to see me angry," she growled in her most furious tone.

He smiled and nodded.

The tension burst like a balloon. "All right, you win." She dropped down and climbed onto her bunk. She glared at him as she exhaustedly laid down. "You probably have a point anyway."

The gentle, rhythmic strokes seemed to carry the upsets of the day to the tips of her hair where they evaporated into the wind.

"What do you get out of this? Humiliate me a bit by playing servant? Just an uninterrupted night's sleep? I don't believe that. Or is the humiliation really my penance, and your service shows that you forgive me?"


Emerald Light and the 'close' guard had been on tenterhooks as the monster soothed her Highness. When she finally drowsed off, the monster silently packed his tools and left. The guard slipped in to check on her Highness, while Emerald Light trotted alongside the tall creature.

"Sir, I want to thank you. She is a good pony, person, and I am glad you could find it in your heart to help her. We are all very grateful." He bowed and rested the side of his head beside the creature's knee. "I read Miss Rarity's note to us, but I have to wonder what motivated you."

The creature pulled a page of paper out of the dark jacket it put on, and handed it over. Emerald Light scanned the page of small pictures. Miss Rarity's face replaced the salutation. A picture of an absolutely bawling Princess Luna had two arrows going from it. One arrow had the grooming supplies arranged atop it. It led to a drawing of her Highness seated and head bowed before the monster. The figure the very essence of the penitent. The other had the collection of tools all thrown together and overlapping, encircled with red and a stroke through it. That arrow led to the monster curled up in a ball surrounded by four, happy, jabbering Pinkie Pie faces, and four, triple-sized, furious and screaming Pinkie Pie faces.

"Miss Rarity certainly knows how to bypass a language barrier," he said as he hoofed over the paper, "I suspect a simple invitation would have been sufficient."

The creature had pulled on a watch cap, and covered its face with a dark gray scarf before mounting its two-wheeler and disappearing into the darkness. Neither the monster, it's guards nor Emerald Light noted the two unicorns watching intently.


Day 10

"Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!" The sound of Twilight happily 'Pinkie bouncing' around the library woke Spike from his early slumbers.

"Twilight?" he asked sleepily as he looked down at his friend doing exactly like what it had sounded like she was doing. Spike recognized the paper, and by the thickness of the sheaf, there were easily sixty new pages to the Equestrian-Monster dictionary.

"Good morning, Twilight Sparkle," Luna said as she entered the main hall.

She looks more relaxed than I remember her being since she arrived, Spike thought as he headed downstairs.

"Oh, your Highness! Look! Look! Look!" Twilight bubbled. "More pages, and a couple of books!"

"Very delightful," Luna said, picking up on the librarian's good mood.

Twilight levitated a book and opened it. "Just think, he must -" The sudden end of the happy bounce and the stricken expression on Twilight's face alarmed both Spike and her Highness.

"Twilight!" Spike cried out.

"Twilight Sparkle!" Luna nearly shouted.

"No, no, no, no, no," Twilight muttered fearfully. She replaced the book and lifted another one. "Oh no, no, no, no, no." She shook her head fearfully and backed away from the books.

"Twilight, what's wrong?" Spike asked as he stood before her.

"These books," she whispered as she levitated them towards the Princess.

"What alarms you?" Luna asked. She gasped as she looked into the book.

"What?!" Spike shouted, beside himself with worry.

"I don't recognize any of these characters," Twilight murmured as she moved a book before Spike, "Even accounting for different type faces. And this. These aren't even letters. These are pictograms. It even shows how to write them."

"So?" Spike asked.

"Spike. The monster's people may have as many as three languages, with different ways of writing each one! Our dictionary only scratches the surface. In fact these two other books may be dictionaries between the first language and these two other languages!"

Spike blinked. "And this is a cause to panic, why?" he asked sardonically.

"Who," Owlicious added.

"That too," Spike agreed.

"Spike, everything we know about the monster's language and culture may be wrong," Twilight tried to explain reasonably.

"What you really know about it could be relearned in an afternoon. Once it can write Equestrian," Spike pointed out. Luna seemed to have been calmed down by this. Twilight was still radiating terror.

"I don't think Celestia will send you to the moon over guessing with no real basis for your analysis," Luna assured her.

"But your Highness," Twilight pleaded, "With three languages, so many more variables open up. I'm going to have to completely reschedule . . . "

Spike quit listening at that point and went to the kitchen to make breakfast for the three of them. "This is going to be a long day."


He was enjoying the fit and feel of the suit. She did a wonderful job, he thought as he heard the admiring noises from the other guest, the attending Ponyvillians, and even some of the guards. The tuxedo was striking and would have been acceptable on Earth at any 'white-tie' event, right down to the tailored gloves. And it's comfortable, even washable, he thought as he moved towards the town hall. The shoals of reporters shouted questions at him and for once, he was glad of the language barrier.

That's the fashion designer's hail, he thought, Recognize it like the note of an engine. He turned as she and her usual portfolio of friends and family approached in a group. He couldn't keep the shock from his expression. The fashion designer gloried in it. The others obviously thought themselves quite fetching.

Okay. I have completely lost touch. I gave a fashion designer a book on Sailor Moon and never once considered this possibility, he thought.

The pale, unicorn mare hadn't done a straight cosplay. She'd retained the practical body suit as a base and each character's color scheme, but the flamboyance of the accessories exceeded what had ever appeared on screen. Considering how gaudy the other mare's dresses are, I guess that's a plus, he thought, They're not even horrible. They're actually kind of cute and imaginative.

"You all look very striking," he managed.

The fashion designer accepted the indecipherable compliment with a Southern Belle's charm. The others looked extremely pleased with themselves. The other mares chatted to the fashion designer after pointing to his suit. She simply drank in the adoration.

The yellow pegasus suddenly hid behind everyone else. The pony that approached didn't look too formidable. The fashion designer was reduced to sheepish bleats in response to this pony's gushing comments.

He stood there politely silent.

The purple unicorn made nervous excuses for his inability to reply to the questions thrown at him. The newcomer made great sweeping pronouncements, as if the world would turn on its ear at its whim.

Temper, temper, he reminded himself, This is only your party in that you are supposed to make a good impression. Eating one of the guests is not acceptable. Unless it's one of the supercilious, white ones. He smirked at the memory of the obvious/oblivious noble eating a 'pink mine', and having its useless entourage ineptly helping, versus the swift rescue by the regular soldiers of the reporter-pony who'd done the same.

Guards now rescued the entire group by ushering them in to the hall ahead of the scheduled time. The Guard Captain accepted the thanks of the purple unicorn.

Working relationship, or apprenticeship? I don't know, he thought of the close relationship between the guard commander and the purple unicorn, as they were ushered into a small waiting room. Except the pink one, who hugged the other mares, and was escorted out. I hope I didn't do that, he thought as they waited.

The farmer held up a hand, so he could practice the hand/hoof clasp the unicorn had thought so important. The others joined in and he got it right for each of the ones he tried it on.


Twilight and Rarity stood in the Ponyville town hall, tastefully redecorated for this party. The gentle sounds of the string quartet added to the feeling of sophistication.

"Rarity," Twilight whispered, "I'm so excited!"

"Gently Twilight," Rarity said, "Today we show the world that we are the creme de la creme." Rarity then let out a filly-like squeak.

The three princesses entered: Celestia, Luna and Cadence. They took their places just inside to welcome those who stood in the receiving line.

"This is going to be the best party ever," Rarity whispered to Twilight as they watched their alien protege at the head of the line to greet their Highnesses. "So cultured, and so genteel!"

"Easy, Rarity," Twilight said breathlessly, "They are so gorgeous."

"Doesn't he look dashing?" Rarity said, "I had my doubts, but that formal suit looks so good on him."

"Yes, everything is going to be perfect," Twilight said as he approached Celestia, exactly as they researched, explained and rehearsed. He removed a glove and reached out, as Celestia raised her hoof to shake his hand. "The most momentous inter-species greeting in modern history," Twilight nearly squealed.

He touched Celestia's nose and made a sound like a buzzer.

As Twilight's eyes widened. She saw Rarity's ears go up so fast and so far, she worried they'd come off.

Celestia dropped her shoe, and with great decorum and gravity raised her bare hoof to touch the alien's nose gently. "Beep." Both politely smiled and the receiving line advanced.

"Twilight," Rarity asked as she stared in stunned horror, "Did he?"

"Yes," Twilight said as she felt her world coming unglued, "And Rarity, did her Majesty?"

"Yes, Twilight," Rarity replied.

"Has her Highness?" Twilight asked.

Luna gave Twilight and Rarity a murderous glare. Then she concentrated on the dignified smile on the figure before her, he'd even crouched slightly to not inconvenience her. Celestia's faint yet expectant grin did nothing for the moonlight mare's mood. The other elites in the line were agog at what she would do. It rankled even more.

"Not yet, Twilight," Rarity said and waited if this would be a faux pas, or a new custom.

Luna removed her shoe and touched his nose with a bare hoof. "Beep," Luna said, and was beeped in return.

Cadence could barely contain herself. She dropped a shoe, and let her wings lift her high enough to touch his nose. "Beep," she said with a giggle, and was gently 'beeped' in return.

"Beep, your Majesty," Fancypants said, lifted to a proper height by Fleur de Lis's magic.

"Beep to you too, Fancypants," Celestia said as she touched the stallion.

"Remarkably intimate greeting. Very hard to 'beep' one's friends, with one's nose in the air."

"I hadn't considered that," Celestia said delightedly as the unicorn landed gently.

He lifted Fleur de Lis as she beeped the sovereign of the land. "Beep, your Highness," Fancypants said to Luna.

"Beep to you too," Luna said, "I hope you find this little party enjoyable."

For an instant, the unicorn's cultured expression had a trace of ferality to it. "I wouldn't have missed this new discovery for the world."

"Beep, your Highness," Fleur de Lis said, touching Luna's nose.

"Beep to you too, Fleur de Lis, and welcome," Luna replied.

During this exchange Rarity had fallen over sideways, as had Twilight. The only reason both remained off the ground was they had fallen against each other.

Rarity could only stare in horror. "The elite-of-the-elite of Canterlot, Manehatten, and the other cities, all personally selected by me, have to climb atop one-another, or beg help of total strangers in line to lift them to prevent Celestia from bowing to beep them, and so they can beep her," Rarity said in utter disbelief, "My reputation in Canterlot is ruined," Rarity moaned.

"I think Princess Luna is going to make that not a problem, very shortly after this party is over," Twilight replied bluntly. She tried smiling at the moon princess. "I don't think Nightmare Moon glared at me that way."

"I think one of you two girls better go out and console Pinkie," Applejack said as she ambled over, "Poor mare is outside, beating her head against a post. And her head is winnin'."

"You go help Pinkie Pie," Rarity said, "I'll go have a private word with her Highness. Applejack, find Fluttershy, I'm afraid we are going to need Rainbow Dash and the Wonderbolts, at least for a little while."

"With that line?" Applejack asked incredulously.

"Trust me," Rarity said and grinned.

"Ah wouldn't trust a bear around the cows wearin' that expression," Applejack said quietly.

"Applejack, you wound me so," Rarity said with a grin. "Besides, Pinkie Pie has got to have step ladders stashed in here, in case of a step ladder emergency."


Rarity had contained the disaster and had said her thank yous to Rainbow and the Wonderbolts. Now she searched for where Pinkie Pie had disappeared to after she'd delivered the step ladders.

"Beep, Miss Rarity," Fancypants touched her nose with his bare hoof.

Rarity slipped off her shoe. "Beep to you too Fancypants," she said as she touched his nose.

"I was commenting to her Highness on the remarkable intimacy of the custom. Although having tool legs, and separate, walking legs may make it more reasonable."

"Oh yes, I'm sure," Rarity replied, while wishing for the floor to swallow her up.

"Tell me the truth," Fancypants whispered, "You were as shocked as anyone. You weren't expecting him to beep her Majesty."

"Oh of course," Rarity exclaimed, "With the language barrier we must have confused the poor dear. We schooled him on proper hoof-shakes, but it was always just his friends."

"So when in the presence of her August Majesty," Fleur de Lis said, and beeped Rarity, "He reverted to the most noble and honorable greeting he could think of. Most thoughtful."

Rarity beeped Fleur de Lis, and laughed nervously. "Yes, of course. That must be it."

"I do hope this custom spreads. Those ridiculous lace-up boots are a puzzle box, not a hoof cover," Fleur de Lis said.

"Well, with the elite of all of Equestria's cities here," Rarity said and laughed nervously, "I'm sure it will spread like wildfire."

Fancypants leaned close. "Tell the truth. You knew he would do this, and let their Highnesses in on the joke," he whispered, "Just so you'd have their Highnesses and all your friends in those easily removed shoes. You'll have half the country demanding them by week's end. Very shrewd."

"Shrewd, yes, but I deny everything. I think her Majesty had a greater hand in it than I," Rarity offered.

"She's always hated those lace-ups," Fleur de Lis confided.


"Beep, y'all," Applejack said to her friends. Touching Rarity's then Twilight's nose.

"Applejack, you are not helping," Rarity complained.

"Come on, you and the princess picked these folks 'cause they got a sense a humor. A little thing like this ain't gonna throw'em." Applejack patted Rarity's shoulder. "Most of'em can't wait ta git back home and show their friends."

"That does not fill me with great joy, Applejack," Rarity replied.

"Beep," a well-known matron of the fashion world from Manehatten touched Rarity's nose.

"Beep, ma'am," Applejack said on touching the matron's nose.

"I must thank you again for helping stamp out that ridiculous abomination to hoofwear everywhere."

"Heh, heh, ah, beep," Rarity managed.

"You must be the founder of the feast. Beep," the matron touched Applejack's nose. "The Oranges should be bursting with pride. And finally, some canapes that won't have me up half the night with indigestion."

"Thank ye kindly, and you're very welcome ma'am."

The matron drifted off. Applejack looked at the paralyzed Rarity.

"Maybe you need something ta drink," Applejack offered.

"Yes, Applejack, you're right," Rarity said, "Maybe they serve something in containers large enough I can drown myself in!"

Applejack sighed and guided her friend towards the cider. Twilight headed off to find Fluttershy and the Princesses.


"Your Majesty," Shining armor reported, and saluted.

"No 'beep'?" Celestia asked sounding genuinely hurt.

"I'm on duty ma'am and bound by the codes of conduct and the manual," he replied automatically.

Celestia gave him a salute that would have had any DI weeping tears of joy. "Report, Captain."

"The griffin ambassador has arrived, with a single 'bodyguard' and is, well demanding entrance," Armor reported, "I suggested that this is a private party, but you might prevail on the hosts to add two other guests. And I think Pinkie Pie overheard he's here looking for a party."

"Oh dear. Decisions, decisions," Celestia said and made a show of thinking with her chin on her hoof.

"Might I suggest we let his guard in, to sweep for potential dangers?" Armor offered.

"No, I don't think we want a war on our hands," Celestia said, letting a tremendous prank go to waste. "I'll 'prevail' on them as quickly as decorum permits." Her face screwed up. "Luna, you said that he had meat in his home?"

"Yes, sister . . . alien meat."

Celestia frowned again. "No, that would be asking far too much of our guest of honor. Better to let him greet the Ambassador and get on with the evening," Celestia said, and walked towards the griffon ambassador. Then Luna trotted off to find the monster. Armor was left wondering how he could be shivering when he was covered with sweat.


Ambassador Steel Feather was already complaining as Celestia and Luna approached. The bodyguard was Colonel-General Glorious Sunrise, a griffon who was effectively the dictionary definition of phlegmatic for the griffon lands.

"Ambassador, you missed the receiving line," Celestia said happily, "I know how you enjoy those."

The ambassador offered no greeting and vented her spleen immediately. "There is no excuse for Equestria to monopolize this experience. What this monster brings should be shared with all civilized beings."

"At the moment, confusion, fear and miscommunications are the only things that could be shared. As the language barrier is overcome," Luna promised and watched the ambassador snub her offered hoof, "Things of value will be made public. Unless you believe grilling rather than baking a cheese sandwich is absolutely necessary for the advancement of civilization."

The griffon regarded her as the griffons of legend regarded any horse. "You have already inculcated it into your pitiful customs," the ambassador said and thrust out a hand to the monster as he approached. Shining Armor and Peaceful Solitude bristled at the situation.

The monster carefully extended his arm not touching the ambassador's. The Ambassador seized the monster's forearm just below the elbow, and the monster closed his hand on the griffon's arm. The monster was clearly not happy about the amount of force being applied to him, but emulated enough of it to satisfy the ambassador.

"That is a proper greeting among equals," Steel Feather announced as she released his arm.

The monster stared at Luna in confusion and pointed to his open mouth.

"No, you cannot eat her," Luna said and shook her head.

The monster raised his hands and nodded.

"What outrage is this?!" Steel Feather demanded.

"I believe you surrendered the griffon nation. Or you surrendered yourself, as food for him, so he wouldn't eat the griffon nation," Shining Armor said. "With only pantomime and a few written words, we aren't completely clear on this."

"You are not to eat any griffons, and I have not surrendered to you!" Steel Feather announced, stilling conversations all around the hall. The ambassador marched off in a high dudgeon Rarity would have wished to emulate.

The Colonel-General had taken the opportunity to sheathe his claws as far as he could. He reached up and touched the monster's nose with the pads on his fingertips. "Beep."

The monster beeped the Colonel-General's beak, and the two solemnly exchanged nods. The officer hurried after the ambassador.

"Intelligence says that griffon officer has no sense of humor," Peaceful Solitude said of the departing Colonel-General.

"I think they're wrong," Luna replied.


Twilight was feeling more and more mortified by the moment. While searching for Fluttershy, she'd been 'beep'ed by every Canterlot bigwig she'd suggested Rarity invite. She had watched the skit the Cutie Mark Crusaders had put on as 'light' entertainment. Now she'd finally found Fluttershy, all the scholars, and discovered that the monster seemed to be doing some kind of dance around Celestia. The effects of which had Luna in stitches and Celestia glaring at her sister.

"Hello your Majesty," she offered. She ignored Fluttershy hiding behind her.

"Beep," Professor Strudel touched Twilight's nose and inclined hers for Twilight to reciprocate.

"Beep, Professor," Twilight said nervously, "So, are you enjoying yourself?" The smile was physically painful to hold.

"Our friend here seems to be implying that their sun is the center of their system," the professor said.

Luna's sudden giggle and Celestia's glare at her sister did nothing to lighten Twilight's mood nor eliminate the 'Pinkie Sense'-like feeling of doom that gripped Twilight. The whimper from Fluttershy didn't help.

"That isn't possible," Twilight said carefully.

"It is." Luna snorted and covered her mouth with her hoof, "If the sun weighs 300,000 times more than the whole planet." Luna snorted again at Celestia's glare. "Perhaps their cake is 300,000 times harder to resist than ours."

Professor Strudel glanced at the corulers, then smiled at Twilight. "It seems their moon is huge, roughly a sixth the size of the planet."

"Perhaps their waffles were equally hard to resist!" Celestia puffed out her cheeks at Luna, who was immune to the insult.

"Our friend was demonstrating how the moon-planet combination orbit each other, and the pair orbit the sun," the Professor said to Twilight, trying to ignore the royal tiff occurring next to them.

Luna giggled into her raised hoof. "They'd have to, wouldn't they?" Luna said as if it was the funniest thing she'd ever heard.

The Professor continued, "While the masses and distances are all based on the planetary diameter, and the planetary mass." The professor levitated over to Twilight a parchment she'd been taking notes on. "The math apparently does hold up." The professor considered the two monarchs, frowned and laid out her conclusion, "It would also mean they wouldn't need anyone to raise and lower the sun and moon because the planet's orbit and rotation would accomplish the same effect."

"What?" Luna asked at the same time Celestia did.

Twilight looked up from the calculations. "Uh." Twilight looked at her sovereign and mentor nervously. She bowed her head. "For the right range of planetary masses, the math does support that."

Fluttershy whimpered again.

The monster was fully aware of, but completely confused by the hostile glares he was getting from both monarchs.


He looked at the clearly recognizable podium as the white, winged unicorn walked behind it to speak. The smaller one who'd introduced this one got up on its hind legs to rest its forelegs on the podium, he thought as the crowned equinoid began to give a speech. There was a spattering of polite hoof stomps at the applause points. He politely applauded at those points as well and nodded when it/she directed attention his way. There was much 'applause' at the end.

After a few minutes, the dark blue one also gave a speech. Briefer, fewer applause points, and obviously more direct as many ponies shied from the delivery as applauded. Then the pink one ascended the dias, she got up on her hind legs. Her speech had more laugh lines than the other two combined.

Okay, the white one is the ruler/carrot. The blue one is the ruler/stick. And the pink one is the one for everyone to love. Got it. Also there seem to be only four types: horns, wings, neither and the rare both. Unicorns, pegasi, ponies and rulers, as good a set of names as any. I wonder if rulers are born, or if they promote from within?

He noted the pink ruler waving him forward from the dias, and much enthusiastic hoof stomping and expectant looks from the crowd.

A speech? What the heck am I supposed to say? Especially to a room full of creatures who don't understand a word I'm saying? he thought as they waved him forward to great hoof stomping and cheers when he advanced. Rather than any stage fright, he felt a great sense of the absurd. Okay, you want a speech, I'll hold the MacArthur speech for when you can understand me.

He stood away from the podium, to let them see him. "Be seated." They fell silent. "Now, I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country." He tapped his chest. "He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country."


Applejack watched the monster walk back and forth on the stage. She couldn't get the image of a pacing tiger in a cage out of her mind.

"He's really, enthusiastic," Applebloom said from right beside her sister.

"He won't hurt nopony," Applejack said, "I think he's just determined. He wants to help, see how he's smiling?"


"You know, by God, I actually pity those poor bastards we're going up against. By God, I do. We're not just going to shoot the bastards. We're going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks. We're going to murder those lousy Hun bastards by the bushel."

He was stunned by the massive hoof stomping applause and enraptured looks on even the rulers.

I'm definitely going to Hell for this, he thought as he let them applauded for a while.

He began gently. "Now, some of you boys, I know, are wondering whether or not you'll chicken-out under fire." He waved away the concern. "Don't worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty." Then he grew more strident, "The Nazis are the enemy. Wade into them. Spill their blood. Shoot them in the belly. When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do."


Fluttershy sniffled happily. "He's like a proud poppa," she told Scootaloo, "All bark, but he loves his kids."

"Yeah, he gets all scary, then catches himself," the younger pegasus added. "It's almost too bad we can't understand the words."


He marched purposefully across the stage. "We are advancing constantly and we're not interested in holding onto anything -- except the enemy. We're going to hold onto him by the nose, and we're gonna kick him in the ass. We're gonna kick the hell out of him all the time, and we're gonna go through him like crap through a goose!" he said, and then waited as the applause washed up over him.


"Why do you keep smiling," Cadence whispered from her position directly between the two corulers. The two would smile and nod to various movers-and-shakers as the monster's speech continued.

" 'Tia's prank sense is going off," Luna said, "And the poor thing doesn't know why."

"I think my little sister is in love," Celestia replied teasingly. "Maybe I need a potion to turn him into a pony," Celestia offered happily and nodded to another pony.

I wonder if I can get Shining Armor over here to put these two in separate force fields, Cadence thought as she managed to keep smiling.


"Alright now you sons-of-bitches, you know how I feel," he said. He smiled then saluted. "Oh, I will be proud to lead you wonderful guys into battle anytime, anywhere. That's all." He broke the salute and stepped down from the dias to thunderous hoof stamps and several of those closest his path patted him on the back.

Somewhere along the line, he thought, I am going to pay dearly for that little joke.


Rarity was skirting the various groups at the party. When hailed she would wave, but not close so she couldn't be 'beeped' and humiliated further. She spotted the griffon ambassador surrounded by a group of ponies. She certainly is showing that Gilda wasn't too far out of line for her people, Rarity thought. Then stopped and looked forward along the path she'd walked.

She finally focused on something that had simply refused to register when she'd spotted it initially. The other griffon, the officer was sitting and watching the ambassador and all those around her with an aura of purposeful menace. Sitting next to the griffon was Pinkie Pie. Despite the disadvantage of her cute dress and her utterly preposterous hat, the mare was managing to match the severity of the griffon officer's posture and gaze.

"Yes, strawberry frosting could be used. If butterscotch cannot be obtained," Pinkie said in a tone of bland portent.

"Yes, that would work," the griffon said, and gave a glimmer of a smile colder than a VanHoover winter.

For an instant Pinkie's eyes widened, then she clamped down on that ebullience with a force approaching violence. "If sugar causes problems. Addition of cinnamon reduces the need for sugar. There are other 'sweetening spices'," Pinkie added, as if discussing a death long past but still painful.

The griffon nodded.

"Pinkie Pie, Colonel-General," Rarity said tentatively as she approached, "I hope you are enjoying the party."

"Strangely yes," the griffon said. "Usually, no one wants to talk baked good, only politics and war."

Rarity was certain she heard something in her head snap. She suspected it was her sanity.

"Baked goods?" Rarity asked.

The general grunted and nodded.

"And Pinkie Pie, are you having a good time?" Rarity asked. What little hold she had on reality slipping away.

"Good party," Pinkie said curtly.

Rarity laughed. "Well, don't overdo the fun, heh, heh, heh," she said, "Must go mingle." She raced toward the nearest cluster of fashion mavens, beeped each one of them and talked a mile-a-minute about the monster's book she'd gotten the idea for his suit and their dresses from.

"Too serious that one," the general commented.

"We still love her for it," Pinkie replied grimly.

The griffon general smiled for perhaps two-tenths of a second. "Good to have friends."

"Hmm," Pinkie grunted and nodded. When he looked away, she gave a grin.


Day 11

Two hours after midnight, the friends stood in the town square to watch the lights go out in the town hall. Luna and Celestia were with them. The two Alicorn sisters seemed to have given up on the 'does this orbit make me look fat' jokes. Dash landed by herself.

"The Wonderbolts had a great time," she said proudly. "You all look terrible."

"Thank you so ever much, Rainbow," Rarity said.

"Beep," Rainbow said on touching Rarity's nose, and yanking her hoof back from Rarity's snap at it. "Best joke ever." She held up a hoof to the monster. He stared at her blearily.

"He's probably tryin' ta figure out which Dash to hoof clap," Applejack said, "Applebloom and the other two pooped out over four hours ago."

"It was a good party," Pinkie said, then announced, "And it doesn't have to be over!"

"Can I send her to the sun?" Luna exhaustedly asked Celestia.

"Actually," Twilight said, "I kind of agree with her. Do you want to go back to my place? It'll be like a slumber party."

"I suspect none of the other guests will awaken before noon," Luna said wearily, "Onward to fun."

"That's the spirit!" Pinkie told her as she patted Luna's head. "Ah, being quiet now." She smiled at the glaring Princess.

"Ah, do you want him along?" Rainbow noted the monster was walking back towards its home in the distance.

"I'll," Pinkie announced, then Applejack and Twilight tackled her.

"Come on Fluttershy," Rainbow Dash said, and the two pegasi headed off after the tall creature.

"I'll head over to the library," Rarity said, "With their Highnesses. I hadn't intended these outfits to be used for roughhousing."

"Last one there kisses Discord," Celestia said and raced off. Luna was hot on her sister's heels.

"As if I wouldn't have had Twilight train me," Rarity said and vanished. A moment later she opened the library door for the racing alicorns.

"I don't know what fun this guy is going to be," Rainbow Dash said as she and Fluttershy escorted the monster towards the library, "He's really out of it."

"A little tea might help," Fluttershy suggested. The creature suddenly ducked out of the pegasi's grip.

"What the hay?" Rainbow Dash asked as she turned to pursue.

Twilight and Applejack had gotten back up and were both glaring at a smirking Pinkie Pie.

"I just wanted to have fun!" Pinkie complained. Then the monster landed on Pinkie's back. She reared up, neighed loudly and the pair took off into the darkness.

"I thought he was a scared a her," Applejack said.

"I think we should be more scared that they're working together," Twilight said, then ran for the library, "Last one in kisses Discord!"

The pink blur raced past Twilight and set her spinning as the others trotted past.

"I'm sure Rarity's got the perfect lipstick for that," Rainbow said.

"I'm just going to lie here for a moment," Twilight said, "I'm sure the library will come around eventually."


The monster had a miniature of the system with which he'd shown the images to Dinky.

"Music?" Luna asked as he loaded the small record into the side of the machine.

"How is it working away from his home?" Rarity asked. The screen was not large, and the image was black and white. The booming noise and the roar as the cinema began shocked all of them. What terrified them more was the image of absolute devastation of a city reaching nearly to the horizon.

Struggles of an obviously wounded monster to free himself from the wreckage had Luna staring at the images. The eerily disturbing music did not help Luna's equanimity. The creature on the screen tenderly checked the condition of another victim. His careful abandonment seemed to indicate death clearly.

The scene change showed monsters uniformed in medical and military garb. Images of row on row of wounded, stretcher bearers carrying yet more shocked all the Equestrians. Cries of anguish were recognizable despite the alien creatures making them. The monsters moved with a purposeful tenderness, seeing to the wounded and the survivors of the dead.

Luna looked at the monster who seemed more interested in the reactions of the appalled Equestrians than the images on the screen. The Element Bearers stared at the horrifyingly comprehensible images. Despite the alien creatures and language, the scenes of destruction by an unseen force were clear enough.

"What is this?" Celestia asked, as mesmerized as all the others.

"The costume book was full of images of his people fighting monsters," Rarity said, "This must be a documentary or recreation on the subject. Maybe the first attack. They don't seem to know what's happening. Look at the expressions of confusion on their faces. They are eerily pony-like."

"That panic is certainly pony-like," Celestia said, "What is the smoke coming out of that one's mouth, are they part dragon?"

"EEP!" Fluttershy squealed as a ship, larger than the largest operated on Equestria, burst into flame and sank immediately.

The monster watching the cinema with them patted Fluttershy. Her response was to crawl into his lap.


He watched as even the rulers stared at the tiny screen, enraptured by the movie. If it is a slumber party, then I needed a ghost story. I knew if they liked Sailor Moon so much, he thought as he watched their whispered discussions, They'd just love Godzilla.


Once the monster had gone to sleep, Twilight had puzzled out the controls on the machine. Luna had collected the cadre of the observer group, and replayed the documentary for them before the machine's power faded. Her brother had been particularly moved by the creature-scientist who'd created the monster-killing weapon taking his own life.

"I'm guessing that he was sufficiently horrified by his discovery that while he could countenance it being used once, he would not let it be used again," Armor said, "So he destroyed his notes, and the only other place the knowledge was stored. If the weapon did that to the city-killer, the weapon's creator could hardly have escaped."

"Why would he show us this?" Peaceful Solitude asked, disturbed by the images especially the destruction of a city greater than all the cities of Equestria combined.

"He's been trying to be very clear about his motives and trying to pre-indicate his actions." Mile Stone sat and glanced to the room the monster slept in. "I think Miss Rarity is correct that he was sent to fight monsters. Except there are no monsters. It could be a resume. Offering to fight our monsters. He's shown no indications that he is anywhere near as dangerous to us."

"Sister?" Luna asked.

"He watched us, rather than the images on the screen," Celestia said, "He wanted to see how we reacted."

"Your Majesty," Twilight said, "I don't think he wanted to know what he could do to horrify us."

"I'm not sure what his reaction was. He didn't seem all that affected by it," Celestia said thoughtfully, "And he was not surprised when Fluttershy reacted as she did. I think he knew we'd be shocked. And that some of us would be more shocked than others. He approved of us being shocked."

"Seeing how we'd react to the greatest disaster in their history?" Peaceful Solitude asked, "Seeing if we'd empathize with his people?"

Luna and Celestia nodded. "We've been worried whether he saw us as 'people'," Celestia said, "It's no wonder he might want to know the same."

"Very clever," Luna said.

Rarity yawned as she approached. "Talking about that dreadful cinema again?" she asked and shook her head, "I'm just glad their instincts seem to have an 'off' switch. The clothing of the people was different from the fashions in the book. I would have to guess they are from slightly different times."

"But the pictographs in the cinema are similar to the pictographs in the book," Twilight said, "He gave me a dictionary. I can deduce which pictographs are used, but not what they would mean in Equestrian."

"Wait a moment, you said that the cinema and book pictographs are the same?" Armor asked.

"Yes," Twilight replied.

"That could be it," Luna said, "The main nation fell to the monster assaults. His country was what was left. Like Discord destroying Equestria, but leaving the griffon lands and dragon-home untouched."

"Fascinating." Rarity said and yawned. "What does that mean for us?"

"I . . . don't know," Luna admitted.

"Could he be a scout for a colonization group? Evacuate their homeworld to Equestria?" Twilight asked.

"I'm not sure I'd like such a militant force arriving here. Even if they did bring their own homes with them," Celestia said. She shook her head. "You should all get some sleep. The sun will be up in a few hours, you can think about it all then. Just keep him away from any full-grown dragons."

"Yes, your Majesty," they all said.


He'd risen early, soon after sunrise. Most of the others, save the rulers, were still sound asleep. He'd decided to return home, get some breakfast, and sleep the rest of the day. I have no idea why the ponies keep giving me looks I can only guess are sympathy. I didn't think the party was that bad, he thought as he walked and encountered a few early risers, Unless the rulers have decided to punish me for the little joke. Maybe they're going to send me to an alien planet where I'll never see my own kind again. Oops, already done.

He pushed aside the faint melancholy and continued towards his house. He ignored the purple-eyed, azure unicorn and the magenta glow that surrounded its horn and them. Probably a practical joke.


"Guards!" Mile Stone shouted as he watched the two, odd unicorns approach the monster and Peaceful Solitude. The officer had been felled by the magic burst, while the monster was whisked away by the two unicorns. "Guards!" the sergeant shouted. Throughout the square early-rising ponies were looking around or opening their windows to see who was raising the ruckus.

The three princesses came charging out of the library along with Shining Armor.

"Someone stole our guest," the sergeant told them. "Walked up and teleported away with him."

"That's impossible," Luna said, "I had an anti-teleport charm on him. Only someone far stronger than an ordinary unicorn could teleport him."

"What about two powerful unicorns?" Mile Stone said, "Is it safe to approach her?" he asked of the fallen Peaceful Solitude.

"Yes," Celestia said after a moment of intense concentration. "I don't feel him anywhere near. Whoever stole him took him to the edges of our kingdom."

"Who?" Cadence asked. "Who would do such a thing?"

"Someone not content to wait for our researches to bear fruit," Luna said, "Or one who didn't trust that we would share."

"Or felt if they had him, they wouldn't have to share," Shining Armor pointed out. As he watched the medics carry the fallen officer away.

He glanced at his sister and her friends as they sleepily exited to watch the activity. "Put a lid on this," he told the sergeant, "We've got a pack of VIPs who'll assume that they are next."

"Leave them to us," Celestia interjected. "Find him and get him back here," she spoke carefully, "You saw, now he may be in the hands of enemies. I shudder to think of what shall happen."

Armor nodded.


"You don't actually believe that, do you sister?" Luna asked as the pair walked. She spoke in an ancient dialect of Equestrian she doubted even Twilight Sparkle had ever heard of, let alone was fluent in.

Even Celestia took a few moments to remember the forms. "I think someone is playing a very dangerous game."

Luna forced herself not to smirk. Don't like a challenger to the cup? she considered her own sister's webs of subtle manipulations and games.

"Because they have succeeded in making me angry," the master of the sun said quietly.

Okay, not going to talk about it, Luna realized. They completed their walk in silence. The griffon ambassador was their first stop.


He materialized out of the teleport, and immediately screamed in pain. Finger-thick rods seemed to have appeared through his feet. The knee-high rods were topped with three barbless fish hooks to prevent easy removal. As he started to collapse, he had to avoid dozens of similar rods that lay in rows and columns all around him.

His two `travel agents` hovered over him. The pale green unicorn with the blue mane and tail grinned at him and the azure unicorn with the cornflower blue mane and tail. The azure unicorn glared back at the green. The pale magenta aura surrounding the green one's body and the azure one's horn mirrored the red-orange glow surrounding the azure unicorn's body and the green one's horn. The auras had held them out of the field of spikes he'd been dropped into.

I think this is the first time something in this world successfully hurt me, he thought as he managed to sit among rods, avoiding being pierced or scratched by the clusters of barbless fish hooks that grew at the top of the rods, or at their base. This is an antipersonnel field. Like barbed wire, he thought muzzily. He looked up at the two unicorns as they hovered over him, discussing with each other.

A red-orange glow surrounded him and pulled him up off the ground. His feet slid up the rods until they caught on the hooks on the top. The green unicorn didn't hesitate and pulled him up, digging the hooks into the tops of his feet until it pulled the rods out of the ground. Darkness took him as the pain overwhelmed him.


The azure unicorn spared a glance at the metal object their captive had dropped somewhere along the process. Her 'senior' was enjoying the pain she'd inflicted on the captive too much to notice the glow surrounding the device that sent it winging towards the azure unicorn.

Laugh all you wish, she thought of the laughing, green unicorn, Trixie will be free.


"It is clear that it must speak Equestrian," Tear Twirler told the crystal ball linked to their 'tutor'. The green and blue unicorn looked at Trixie with contempt, "She is too stupid to realize this."

" 'She' believes we should have let the Alicorn-sisters do the difficult job of teaching it Equestrian, and -"

"Coward," their 'tutor' proclaimed, and the tiny golden ring at the base of Trixie's horn glowed ominously.

Trixie just bowed her head. "Trixie asks forgiveness for her unworthy doubts and fears," she said to forestall pain and terrors given by the ring.

The glow faded and their mentor chuckled through the crystal ball. "Persuade it to speak. If it will not speak, let it scream, but it shall learn to act on our command."

Trixie hid her smile and bowed. "I will do my best, but I bow to the expertise of Tear Twirler in that realm."

"You will learn," the green and blue unicorn said.

Trixie bowed again. "Trixie will do her best," she said as she walked as despondently as she could to where he was being held.

Fools, Trixie thought, But in saving Trixie, she will also save you.

"She is weak," Tear Twirler told their tutor so Trixie could also hear.

"She amuses me more than you do," their tutor said.

Trixie entered the large closet where the creature was being held. She lit the magic lamp, and stared at the creature. The hate-filled look she got in return filled her with an odd glee. Soon my fellow prisoner, just play my game, and we shall both be free, she thought as she approached and his expression became one of vague pleasantness. Nothing to alert me when you spring. I have walked the wilds too long to be surprised. Just barely in reach, she transferred to his hand the little rocket launcher he had dropped on arriving here. A tiny thing, concealable between two hooves. But it would stun a unicorn with a hit on the horn, she thought, and pointed at her own horn.

He looked wary, and Trixie grinned. She moved to his feet where two spikes of the teleport trap still stuck. She bowed and tried to look apologetic. I know this will hurt, but you have the means to strike back, and both of us know it, she thought and used magic to slice off the ends so only a short stub protruded from his feet.

She braced herself for the blow, as he writhed silently at the agony using magic on the teleport trap pieces caused. I too saw your little 'show', she thought, You can be ruthless, but you try curious first.

As he calmed and focused on her, she raised a hoof over his foot. She watched him tense. She brought it down sharply away from his foot as she silently pantomimed screaming in agony. She looked at him and nodded, then shook her head. He slapped the floor, and let out a bloodcurdling ululating scream. Her ears pinned back in terror, she nodded.

"You speak Equestrian, don't you?" she shouted, and stamped.

The answering scream was everything she hoped for. For the next 20 minutes, she'd shout a question, stamp, and he'd let out a scream of pain and terror.

Finally she finished. She'd learned something else from the odd cinema he'd shown the others. She kissed him on the lips, and hugged him. Then grinned at his confusion.

We will save each other, Trixie thought, If you continue to be an excellent assistant. She nodded to the door, and touched her hoof to her horn, and then cast a minor illusion of Ponyville. The grim nod told her that they would soon be free.

She left the closet and walked back to main lab. She took on a defeated air and let herself cry as she entered. The large crystal was dark, meaning their tutor's attention was elsewhere.

"You failed," Tear Twirler said.

"It was an impossible task," Trixie replied as she scrubbed her eyes dry, "Pain cannot overcome the impossible."

The mad pony stared down at Trixie. "You just didn't know how to apply it. Ponies have achieved great things, when properly motivated."

Trixie bowed, but inwardly seethed. And that is why you are hiding out here, playing servant/slave to a dragon who also lives on the fringes, she thought, Trixie will soon be free of both of you. She followed the green and blue unicorn to the closet.

"Should Trixie hold it down?" Trixie asked, "Your play-toys thrash about so."

"Trixie can do as she wishes," Tear Twirler said contemptuously.

He'd drawn up his legs and covered them with his coat. Disguising the shortened trap rods.

"He thinks that will protect him," Tear Twirler said as she drew close, but stayed out of reach of those arms. Trixie hugged his chest from behind, so he couldn't leap up to close the distance.

"Ready?" Trixie asked them both.

Tear Twirler closed her eyes to summon magic, as did Trixie. The huge bang and flash covered the fade out. Trixie heard Tear Twirler's screams clearly as they transited the distance.

He was screaming in earnest as they reappeared just outside the Ponyville hospital. Despite her exhaustion, she grabbed his shirt collar and dragged him in the doors. Orderlies were already reacting to the sounds they'd heard just outside their doors. "His feet have been pierced with metal," she told the first nurse-pony, "There is a solvent on the metal that burns on contact with magic. Some has gotten into his blood, so use magic only as a last resort," she told the nurse, who relayed the order in medical jargon.

"How do you know this?" the nurse asked pointedly, "And how did you find him?"

"Trixie has seen the effects, and the second is not important. If you have medical questions?" Trixie asked, and received a head shake. "Then Trixie must report to Twilight Sparkle." She ran toward the town's library.

I both have to keep her away, and admit my guilt, Trixie thought as she galloped through the town that resembled an overturned beehive more than anything else.

Coming out of her destination were the Alicorn-sisters themselves.

Might as well die with my head held high, Trixie thought as she blocked them.

"Please hold," she called, "His injuries are tainted with something that reacts badly to magic. Your mere presence may be sufficient," she said quickly to allow no interruption, "He is at the hospital and they are aware of that problem."

"And how do you know this?" Luna asked.

"Because I am one of the foalnappers," Trixie admitted.

Luna growled and raised a hoof. Celestia watched without reaction. Luna stamped her hoof down. Not on Trixie's skull.

"Guards!" Celestia called as she satisfied herself Luna was not going to dispense justice here and now. "Why would you do this?" she asked.

Trixie pointed to the ring at the base of her own horn. "This magnifies my power. In return, my tutor has geased me to serve her to the best of my abilities and to follow her commands. Or I will be punished."

"And this is her order?" Luna asked angrily.

"No," Trixie admitted as three guard unicorns approached. "But returning him as swiftly, and as unharmed as possible, then begging their Highnesses' mercy on my tutor seemed to be the best service Trixie could offer."

Celestia touched the gold ring with her hoof and it shattered. "Put her under guard," the sun princess said, "Luna shall be in charge of the pursuit if she attempts to escape."

A glance at the moon princess. Trixie would prefer to be pursued by Nightmare Moon, Trixie thought and bowed. She let the guards lead her to wherever they would hold her. I would have preferred not injuring him to free him, Trixie thought, But I am free. She hadn't expected to be warmly welcomed by the Ponyville citizens as she was escorted through town, but the furious glare by the pink pony she hadn't seen before had Trixie more than a little concerned.


"Your Highnesses," the doctor said as he entered the town hall where the two alicorns were 'holding court'. "We've completed the operations, and other than a prolonged recovery, the prognosis is excellent." He ignored the expressions of the ponies he'd cut in front of, but he was a doctor.

"Why prolonged?" Luna asked.

"Because we tested a blood sample and the effects of that material are quite unpleasant. The effect of teleporting him here affected his entire cardiovascular system, and that's part of what he needs to heal. There wasn't much there, but until it is gone, we cannot use magic that we'd normally use to speed the healing process. As soon as we can, it should hasten his recovery. I'd recommend a full body procedure. He might need it. Blood does get nearly everywhere."

Celestia nodded. Luna stifled a growl with some effort. The two sisters turned to the next in the long line of petitioners. Their Highnesses' chamberlains, Emerald Light and Feather Stockings exchanged glances and rolled their eyes at yet another request for reassurances that somepony's principle/boss/employer would be safe from this teleporting foalnapper.

Shining Armor charged in. Another pony bucking the line. He raced up to Princess Celestia. "Your Highness, I'd like you to order a certain Pinkie Pie to stop trying to slip cookies to the prisoner, Trixie."

"So ordered," Celestia said and facehoofed.


"Why am I locked up with her?" Pinkie Pie demanded from her cell across from Trixie's.

"Because you disobeyed a royal order," Mile Stone said, then whispered, "Ingenuous plan, now you can keep an eye on her yourself, and nopony's the wiser. As long as you don't misbehave and we have to move you." He winked at the pink mare, who winked back and settled on her bunk to stare at Trixie. No mouse was ever watched by a hawk that intently. Only the pink mare's bottlebrush tail gave any indication of her true feelings.

Mile Stone walked out of the makeshift cells and out into the guard post.

"How did you do that?" Shining Armor asked.

"I've dealt with overeager lieutenants given orders by generals before. I mistakenly ignored that she'd take any order in that context," Mile Stone admitted, "Since I created the monster, it was my duty to channel and curb its enthusiasm."

"Where's the sergeant school and when can I sign up?" Peaceful Solitude asked.

"The curriculum is twenty years, lass," Mile Stone admitted, "And a good officer goes through it as well."

"Alert me if either starts a ruckus," Shining Armor said.

"What about a fracas?" came from the cells.

"Any disturbance," the corporal of the guard said.

The officers departed.

"I'm just glad he didn't actually meet the dragon," Shining Armor said. "I know he's met Spike, but after last night's cinema, I'd like to keep the existence of big dragons away from him as long as possible."

"Agreed," Peaceful Solitude said. She looked up at the beginnings of twilight. "This has been a long day."

"The VIPs have expedited their departures. Tomorrow should be less strenuous," Mile Stone said, "But I'm off to check the guard around the hospital, and the mages who've cast the wards. Nothing should get in or out except if it's an emergency."

"Did the medics accept moving it back to its house?" Armor asked, "Oh, sorry, power for their equipment. I forgot."

"That and keeping that as a refuge will help." Mile Stone headed off to make his rounds.

"So, I heard that Princess Cadence hid behind you for easily half the cinema," Peaceful Solitude said quietly.

"I was the largest object in the room, aside from their Highnesses," Armor said stoically, but he was blushing. "Overturning tables is not Princess Cadence's style."

Peaceful Solitude let the matter drop. But she kept grinning in a somewhat disturbing manner.

Author's Note:

Author's Notes:
MLP - SM
Twilight - Saturn
Applejack - Jupiter
Rarity - Pluto
Pinkie Pie - Chibi Usa
Rainbow - Uranus
Fluttershy - Mistress Nine

Sweetie Belle - Mercury
Applebloom - Venus
Scootaloo - Neptune

Derpy - Moon
Dinky - Mars

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