Chapter 13: I can haz Muffinz!
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Chapter 13
I can haz Muffinz!
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“Princess Celestia, your special guests have arrived.”
“Why thank you.”
Celestia walked down to the castle entrance and opened the door. Behind it were Twilight’s friends.
“We, uh, came for the weddin’,” said Applejack.
“Good, good,” said Celestia. “Come with me.”
She sounded rushed. Hurried. Stressed.
I knew it! thought Rainbow Dash.
The others, though less suspicious than Rainbow Dash, thought the same thing—something was definitely wrong.
And Celestia was not leading them to the wedding room. No, they were going in pretty much the opposite direction. Eventually, they arrived at the hallway with all the stained glass murals.
“Here we are,” said Celestia once they’d reached the end of the hall.
Embedded in the wall was a vault, which she opened. She removed the Elements of Harmony from within.
“I apologize for bringing you here on such short notice,” said Celestia, handing out each of the necklaces to its respective wielder. “Something huge came up at the last minute.”
“So, er...” began Applejack, “what exactly is goin’ on?”
A fierce look came onto Celestia’s eyes. “It would appear an old foe of ours has returned. Hopefully the Elements of Harmony are not needed, but I do not want a repeat of what happened at Cadance and Shining Armor’s wedding. If at all possible, leave the actual fighting to me. Your job is to ensure nopony gets hurt.”
“And just to be clear,” she added, “Use the Elements as a last resort only.”
This cleared things up quite a bit for the five ponies, but it also opened up a few more questions. Chief among them: why use the Elements only as a last resort? Why not open fire at the first sign of trouble? (I mean, the Elements only destroy evil, right? So there shouldn’t be any collateral damage if you miss.) All the same, the ponies trusted their leader, and agreed to follow her instructions.
·
·
“Hold still, Miss Ditzy Derpington Doo!”
Twilight and Miss Ditzy Derpington Doo were in a dressing room in the back, and Twilight was having just a little trouble getting the wedding dress to fit.
“Ow, that hurts!”
“Well, we need to make sure the dress is on properly, right?”
“Too tight... can’t... breathe...”
“Huh, maybe this one’s too small for you. You really should have made sure it was the right size before taking all the tags off. I don’t know if we’ll be able to return it now.”
“I can assure you, this one fits me!”
“Well, maybe you’ve gained weight since you last tried it on.”
The Changeling Que—er, I mean Miss Ditzy Derpington Doo—growled.
“I have NOT gained weight!” she retorted. “Now put this thing on me correctly!”
“I’ll try... now let’s see, I’ll just...”
“OW!”
“Whoops, shoulda used a safety pin.”
“Am I bleeding? I’m bleeding!”
“Hang on, I’ll get the first aid kit...”
“Grrr...”
“Okay, I got the first aid stuff. Now this might hurt for a second...”
“OWOWOW!”
“Yep, that’s isopropyl alcohol for you. Kills them germs dead. Now let me wrap the gauze...”
“That’s too tight!”
“Wow, you sure are a complainer, aren’t you Miss Ditzy Derpington Doo? Don’t worry though, I’m sure this day is going to be absolutely perfect for you.” Twilight grinned at her sweetly.
“Oh, it better be,” replied Miss Ditzy Derpington Doo.
“Now let me just...”
“OW!”
·
·
“Princess Celestia, your other special guests have arrived.”
“Oh, thank you.”
Celestia rushed down the hall. She opened the front door.
“Cadance! Shining Armor! So glad you could make it on such short notice.”
“So what’s going on, Princess?” asked Shining Armor. “Your letter didn’t tell us much.”
“I’ll explain in a bit. Follow me...”
·
·
“So... can I see her?”
“Of course you may.”
“Thank you, Princess Luna.”
“No, thank you, Doctor. If you hadn’t noticed something was up, we never would’ve gone looking for her. Now, the hospital ward’s down this hallway...”
Luna led Time Turner to the hospital ward. Inside the first room was Derpy—the real one.
She looked battered and bruised, but had no serious injuries. She was munching on a muffin, and some of the muffin-themed wedding decorations were now adorning her hospital room.
“Hey there, sweetie.”
“Oh, hi Timey.” Derpy sounded exhausted.
“You holding up OK?”
“Eh, mostly.”
Hearing the visitors arrive, Derpy’s doctor entered the room. (An MD, I mean. Not, you know...)
“She appears to be fine, besides a few cuts and bruises,” he said. “But, we’re keeping her here until we know for sure she doesn’t have any broken bones or internal bleeding.”
“Thank you, doctor.”
“My pleasure, Doctor.”
“So,” Time Turner turned towards his fiancée, “anything I can get you?”
Derpy shook her head. “I’m fine, I think.”
She looked straight at Time Turner with both her eyes. “Luna filled me in on things,” she said. “So don’t worry about me—focus on the job you have to do.”
Time Turner nodded. “I will.”
They embraced, and Luna escorted Time Turner back across the castle.
Oh, will I ever.
·
·
“Okay now Miss Ditzy Derpington Doo, looks like you’re almost ready!”
“Oh, finally...”
“Now let me just apply some facial cleansing stuff.”
“Okay, that stings!”
“That’s how you know it’s working!”
“I’ve had just about enough of this! I’m—”
*Knock knock*
“Come in!”
“Why hello Princess Twilight, and Miss Ditzy Derpington Doo!”
“Hi, Celestia!” Twilight smiled at her mentor.
Does she know? thought Twilight. Yeah, she’s making that troll face, she probably knows.
“Thank goodness you’re here,” said Fake Derpy. “Twilight’s ‘help’ has been a bit of a pain.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry about that,” said Celestia. “Let me fix you up there.”
Celestia cast a healing spell, and removed Fake Derpy’s gauze. The puncture wound was gone.
Or, maybe she doesn’t know...
“I’ll take over, Twilight,” said Celestia.
Dang. “Fine, go ahead.”
Celestia observed Fake Derpy’s condition. “Now, let’s see about fitting this dress better...”
“OW!”
“Well gee, Miss Ditzy Derpington Doo, you are a complainer now aren’t you! Now, are you sure you’re not too fat for this dress?”
So she does know! Phew! This should make things a lot easier.
“Yes, I am!” replied Fake Derpy.
“So you are too fat for this dress? Then—”
“Arrgh! No, I’m not!”
“Ooooh, you’re not sure you’re not too fat for the dress! I’m sure we can get somepony to size you, then. You know, you really should’ve left the tags on this thing if—”
“AAAH! I’m not too fat for this stupid dress, and I’d appreciate it if you would actually help me, you big equine oaf!”
Celestia looked Fake Derpy in the eye.
Fake Derpy sighed. “I’d appreciate it if you would actually help me, please, my dear Princess Celestia.”
“That’s much better!” said Celestia, beaming. “I’d be glad to! Now let me—”
“OW OW FOR THE LOVE OF—!”
*Healing spell*
“Okay let’s try that again...”
“OW!”
“Oh, sorry!”
*Healing spell*
“Okay, let’s curl your mane a little...”
“AAAAAH!”
“Oops, that’s not a mane curler, that’s a soldering iron! What’s that doing here?”
*Healing spell*
“Now let me just get this chainsaw going...”
“OH FORGET IT, I’m just going to—”
*Knock knock*
*Open*
“Princess Luna! So glad to see you, dear sister!”
“And We are glad to see thou!”
“AAH my ears!” (That was Fake Derpy, if you’re curious. Celestia and Twilight are used to it by now.)
“Oh sorry,” said Luna, speaking normally now. “So, what exactly is going on here?”
“Why, I’m preparing Miss Ditzy Derpington Doo for her wedding! Which is... in about an hour now. We should really get going!”
“Agreed!” replied Luna. “Some of the guests have already arrived!”
The normal ones, right?
“Rightey-oh!”
You have to teach me how you do that, Luna.
“Will do! Right after I teach Twilight the Hyper Beam spell, anyhow. She asked first, so she has dibs.”
“What is she talking about?”
“Oh, nothing to be concerned about, Miss Ditzy Derpington Doo! Now let’s get going!”
The four of them exited the cramped dressing room, and made their way down the hall.
While Luna was busy distracting Fake Derpy, Celestia pulled Twilight aside.
“First off, I’ll need this back now.” Celestia took her crown back from atop Twilight’s head.
At this point, Twilight didn’t mind. The crown had been getting heavy anyway, both literally and metaphorically.
(Well, not literally literally, conservation of mass and whatnot...)
“And this—” Celestia pulled out the Element of Magic “—is for you!”
“Huh?” Twilight was surprised to see it. “You want me to wear that?”
“Yes, Twilight. Your friends have been summoned here as well, and they already have theirs.”
Twilight was still a little startled by this sudden development. But then again, it did make sense.
“Good plan,” Twilight eventually said, “considering what we’re up against.”
Twilight put the crown on, Celestia nodded, and the two went back to join Luna and Fake Derpy.
·
×
And yes, it is a wedding room. A big room no doubt, but a room nonetheless. A chapel is usually a discrete building, and it’s also a place of worship, which would be a very egotistical thing for Celestia and Luna to build, all things considered.
Also, I think this chapter deserves special note on trolling. So, without further ado...
Special Note on Trolling 
In our world, there are many types of trolls.
The type you usually meet are the ones that hang out on forums and comment streams, posting things that start at "ur gay" and end in places I’d rather not describe. (Mature label, anyone?) As the protozoa is the lowest form of eukaryotic life, this is, needless to say, the lowest form of troll.
The next type is closest to the original definition. They troll along forums the way a fisherman trolls a lure across the water, waiting for a bite. When they find someone naïve enough to fall for their tricks, they strike. These folk can be annoying, but are generally harmless and the better ones are sometimes quite entertaining to watch. If you’re into that sort of thing, I mean.
The next level up is the trickster. This archtype has existed since time immortal, being placed under the "troll" umbrella rather recently. They pull elaborate pranks, in the real world as often as (if not moreso than) on the internet. They can do this to teach a lesson, to convey a warning, or simply for their own amusement. Usually pose no bodily harm in real life, though their fictional counterparts can show just what this type of person can do without a good set of morals. Often brilliant, cunning, and very old.
And finally, at the top, we have Celestia, Luna, and their apprentice Twilight. May God have mercy on your soul, you poor, poor fool.
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This is gonna be good. Or the Nightmare Moon clone, entertaining either way.
How the hell did this not pop up in the alicorn twilight group?
YYYAAAAAAYYY.... You shoehorned chrysalis into this! I figure toyu wouyld!
You have no idea how hapopy I am to have followed this! It bizzarly STRANGE.
toyr drunk friend...
Sjkeeter the luerker
happoy new year!
1884938 Shoehorned? Me? ...yeah it is a little shoehorned.
)
But I think this makes a good subplot and penultimate battle. Plus, you said earlier you wanted better fight scenes. So, here ya go! (Be careful what you wish for!
Also, happy new year to you too!
1885282 It did? Oopsie doopsie. Sorry 'bout that!
You know, I can kinda tell that this is your first story. But, it's wacky enough that I don't really care, and the fast pacing does a lot to smooth out the bumps. Good work!
1885814 It... um... okay yeah, this is my first story.
But you have to start somewhere, right?
(Also, thanks for the fave! Glad you like it!)
I like the less random .. ness ... that happened in the last couple chapters.
heck ... if things keep going like they are then Twilight Really Will be an awesome Princess!
eventually
1884680 Okay, I just now added it to that group!
(Thanks for the suggestion, by the way—I should have added it back when you made that comment. Whoopsie!
)
I just relized im either a troll,the 3rd definition kind, or just crazy.