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Chapter 5
Suddenly, a Wedding
Warning: contains extra randomness, and a brief crossover.
You have·been warned!
Twilight looked at the elaborate room decorations.
I cannot believe I’m doing this.
Twilight looked at the tables, the chairs, the ponies, all looking great and dressed to impress.
The whole palace was brightly lit, a feat in itself considering the power was out. (Luckily, Spike had found a backup generator.)
I seriously cannot believe I’m doing this.
Twilight looked at the food. Oh, the food.
This is ridiculous.
Twilight looked at the bride and groom, happy as any couple could be.
I seriously, honest-to-Celestia, cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-fly, cannot believe this is actually happening.
Twilight sighed. This is so stupid.
“Mares and gentlecolts,” she began, “we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of Derpy Doo and Time Turner Hooves... again.”
The crowd clapped politely.
Now, don’t get it wrong here – It’s not like Derpy and Time Turner got divorced and are getting back together or something. Oh no, it’s a bit more complicated than that.
You see, according to his official bio, Time Turner is in charge of “all things timey-wimey”. And, due to the structure of Equestrian marital law, Timer Turner and Derpy are not legally married if they travel back in time to before the point at which they had gotten married. And so, when this happens they need to get married all over again.
And don’t think this is an accident or an unfortunate technicality. Oh no, those two are doing this quite on purpose. Derpy likes weddings! And no, it’s not the fancy bridal dress, or the flowers, or the formality or the decorations.
It’s the food.
You see, Canterlot has the best muffins in all existence. And why go to the store when you can have them catered at a wedding?
“Woohoo!” shouted Derpy. Time Turner beamed.
“Derpy,” Twilight said through gritted teeth. “This is the thirty-second time you two have gotten married. It’s starting to get a bit ridiculous!”
Derpy stuck her tongue out at Twilight.
“Pbthbbtthth!”
Okay, thought Twilight, Celestia has presided over these two clowns’ weddings thirty one times. I’m sure I can handle it just once.
“The strength of their commitment is clear,” said Twilight, deadpan. “The power of their love, undeniable.”
Twilight soldiered on. She didn’t know much about weddings, so she just repeated almost word-for-word what Celestia had said when Cadance and Shining Armor had gotten married.
“May we have the rings, please? Oh, I see you’re already wearing them. Well then, I now pronounce you mare and colt.”
“Woohoo!” shouted Derpy again.
“You may now kiss—”
Derpy gave Time Turner a quick kiss, then ran off to eat muffins.
“—the bride?”
Time Turner watched Derpy devour her long-awaited favorite food, chuckling at her frenzied behavior.
“Well now, I guess my job is over,” said Twilight, her voice still monotonic.
“Hey, ya did good!” said Time Turner to Twilight. “She’s a real card, ain’t she? Can’t say I blame her, Canterlot has some good muffins!” Time Turner himself then ran off to eat some of those delicious baked goods.
Twilight approached Derpy.
“So, you must be a proud bride, huh?”
“Yup!”
“And those are really tasty muffins, huh?”
“Yup!”
“But let me get this straight: you and Time Turner went through the whole ordeal of getting married, up to and including time travel, just so you could get some free muffins!?”
“Pretty smart, huh?” said Derpy.
“I thought it wouldn’t work,” said Patrick.
Wait a second...
Patrick? Patrick Star!?
“Man Patrick, these muffins are—”
“Hang on Derpy, the ceiling’s talking to me again.”
Hello, Patrick.
“Hi, ceiling!”
You know you’re in the wrong universe, right?
“The wrong what?”
You belong in the show SpongeBob Squarepants, remember?
“Yup.”
And is this SpongeBob Squarepants?
“No, this is Patrick.”
... I think I’m going to kill you now.
“Uh... okay, I’ll leave! Bye every-pony! (Tee hee hee what a funny word...)”
Time Turner came rushing over.
“Was that just a giant starfish?”
“Yup!” said Derpy. “His name’s Patrick!”
“Well, he’s sure an interesting-looking fellow. Anyway, I was thinking we should—”
At that moment, a pegasus guard rushed in.
“ATTENTION EVERYPONY! NIGHTMARE MOON HAS RETURNED!”
·
DERPY IS BEST PONY.
Admit it. You haven't a clue to the damn plot. You HAD an idea for a plot, but somewhere along the way it bitch-slapped you and ran to frolic in a meadow whilst tearing off it's clothes.
In short, just admit it.
~Skeeter The Lurker
(You DO know I'm joking, yeah? This is quite entertaining.)
1829912 Hah! I know, this must look bad right now. I mean, you thought things were random before and then, well, this.
I will admit, this chapter is entirely unnecessary and has absolutely nothing to do with anything. But I figured hey, we're dealing with griffins and Pinkies and zebras (oh my!) and it would be good to see what ol' Princess Twilight's up to. So yup, this is what she's stuck putting up with while Celestia and Luna are out goofing off. (I mean really, no wonder those two wanted a vacation so badly.)
Anyhow, thanks for reading! (Despite the fact that it's saturated with randomness.)
P.S. I just got a closer look at your avatar. That is one scary avatar you have my friend.
.........PATRICK!!!!!!!
also, what the frak? doctor whooves and derpy were married HOW many times?
1919615 Thirty-one! Derpy does it because she loves muffins, Time Turner does it because he loves Derpy (d’aww), and Celestia plays along because trololol.
1919615 Patrick Star is best pony.
Wait what no—he can’t be best pony! Because Derpy’s already best pony!
1920904 implying that spitfire isn't?
I haven't read the who fic yet (or even what's published) and maybe I should before saying this but
I demand more random stuff like this.
Utterly hilarious.