The man from the woods

by Jimbob

The Man and the party

I was walking across the town with the ponies. Huh never thought I'd say that..... Well at least not when I'm sober. I had put as many ponies in between me and Pinkie after she had bluntly broke the laws of physics, it didn't help that she was bouncing instead of walking. Unfortunately the space between us hadn't affected her ability to question me

"So Alex do you like parties?"

"Some" I mumbled, I really didn't want to go to this party. It seemed too much like the ponies were celebrating the fact that I had been trapped here, even though I knew they were celebrating the defeat of Nightmare. Oh and did I mention Princess Luna was the Nightmare? No? Well she was, I found out when she apologized for zapping me with magic........... Apparently they have that here.......... No really. They even showed me when they lifted me up with it. It was weird as shit

So anyway she apologized I said 'Blah blah blah whatever blah blah I totally hit you in the face with a crowbar blah blah' and were cool now which seemed to surprise her, but as previously mentioned whatever.

"What's your favorite kind of cupcake?" It's been like this since we left the town hall, and didn't she already ask me about cake?

"Uhhh Pineapple upside down cake" Pineapples are the bomb yo.

"Yeah those are pretty good but I think chocolate is better." I snorted

"Right, sure" her eye narrowed

"Are you saying that chocolate isn't the best cake?">Implying

"No, I would never say that" You could cut the sarcasm with a knife, seriously if she didn't get it than she-

"Okie dokie lokie" She hopped ahead of us towards a large tree leaving a gaping me, a confused unicorn and two giggling princesses

"Ho- bu- I was being sarcastic!" She didn't hear me

"I'm afraid my little ponies aren't quite as versed in sarcasm as you appear to be." I frowned at Celestia

"That's the only language I speak!" She giggled while Twilight looked confused

"I thought you spoke Equestrian"

"No I speak English! So do you, in fact until further notice everyone here speaks English because if I hear one more pony pun I'm moving back into the forest!" Twilight frowned

" You mean everypony"

"Right which way to the forest?" I said while walking away from the group

"Wait! Come back!" Twilight freaked out like I really was going to go back to the forest

"I was being sarcastic, again"

"Oh" I shook my head smiling lightly

"So Princess what now?"

"Well I think we shall head over for the festivities before showing your new home"

"New home....?" I mumbled

"Did we not tell you? I had thought I had mentioned you living here"

"But a house? You don't even know me! I could be a killer for all you know and you just offer me a house?!" This must be a joke no one just gives away a house

"We feel that you can be trusted, and if not well we shall deal with it " The sun seemed to dim for a moment and Celestia eye's took on a sinister appearance and then it was gone just as quickly as it came. Creepy

"Beside it's the least we can do for someone that had been stranded on a planet they don't recognize, anypony would do it."
I don't know about that, I mean not to insult humans but we were kinda what's the word? Xenophobic? I think that's it.

"It's just weird, you ponies seem pretty care free, I mean if an alien showed up on earth some of us would try and kill it, some of us would negotiate with it, and some of us just wouldn't care. Or maybe we would just dissected it." Guess it depends on who gotten their hands on the alien first.

"Why would they dissect a being they know nothing about?" I shrugged

"To learn about, learn what it's weak too, see if it's anything special really, but then again I could be wrong about the whole dissecting thing, humans have never met another sentient species"

"Until you" I nodded

"Until me" then it hit me; I was representing the human race, and so far I hadn't shown their royalty any respect and had been sarcastic to their subjects and hit a Princess in the FACE....... I might be the worst ambassador in the history of forever. Then again I was probably doing better most people would have if they had met talking ponies. And I'm hungry what do ponies even eat? Grass and stuff right? Pinkie had mentioned cake..... Pretty sure that's not a part of a balanced pony meal.

"I'm sorry but what do ponies even eat?" Twilight spoke up

"Oh we eat all kinds of things like fruits, flowers, vegetables, hay, candy, and lots of other stuff. What do humans eat?"

"Vegetables, fruits, candy, meat, soda, and just about anything unhealthy" I hope that by hiding meat in the middle she would overlook it

"You eat meat?" or not apparently, oh well in for a penny...

"Yeah it is an everyday thing for humans." Celestia frowned

"I thought you said that humans rarely ate meat." I smirked

"No I said 'There have been documented cases' if that's the way you took it then" I shrugged while Celestia scowled

"I would prefer if you do not withhold information from us in the future."

"I technically didn't lie, I simply didn't want to cause the town to freak out about an omnivore living here" I may not know much about ponies but I knew that they didn't eat meat.

"So why didn't you tell us?" Twilight looked quite confused

"Say you wake up one day in a village of talking flowers, do you really want to tell them that you eat flowers and have them think you're a monster?"

"No" She looked disturbed by the notion.

"Yeah well I don't want ponies thinking I'm a monster, oh and I don't plan on eating any ponies. Too stringy" I smirked while paled. How the fuck does that work? She's covered in fur!

"Being sarcastic again not going to eat you" I groaned,

"Oh I knew that" Yeah sure you did

"I believe we're here" I looked up at a massive tree with a door in the side. A steady stream of music could be heard coming out of several windows

"Somebody lives here?" Twilight nodded

"Somepony, and that somepony is me"

"You live in a tree?"

"Yep"

"And that's normal here?"

"Uh-huh" I will never get used to this place. Twilight lead me inside

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Let me start off by saying; Pony Parties are weird, really fucking weird. It all started off cool enough I was raiding the snack bar and being introduced to ponies via Pinkie. So anyway half-way through the party Pinkie decides I should play pin the tail on the pony, yeah I know pony puns, after several half-baked excuses I was blindfolded and spun around several times thanks to Rainbow Dash. I move forward listening to the instructions being yelled at me from Pinkie until I finally planted the tail on the wall, I missed horribly.

Many hours later the party was still going in full swing several of the ponies had apparently eaten salt, which confused the fuck out of me at first until Celestia explained that salt was like booze. Except it only worked on ponies. Anyway one drunken Rainbow Dash seemed to think it would be a great idea to salt the punch.

Pure fucking chaos, seriously have you ever seen a drunken unicorn attempt to juggle books? It's both hilarious and horrifying mostly because I had to dodge several books, and a drunken Pinkie that had jumped into the mix. About this time Celestia figured it would probably be a good time to get me to my new home since she figured that this party was about to take a nose dive to debauchery. I didn't complain, there were already several passed out ponies draped over furniture and some of which were covered in vomit.

Anyway they were leading me to my house

"So Alex what do you think about our kingdom?" Celestia asked

"Seems nice, kinda eighteen hundreds but nice." She smiled

"I am glad you think so" The rest of the trip went in silence. They lead me out of the middle of town and closer to the outskirts similar to suburbs. They stopped in front of a two story house with a white picket fence surrounding a large front yard. The yard was overgrown and vines were slowly creeping up the side of the chimney. Luna smiled

"What does tho think?"

"You are just giving me this?" My mouth was hanging open. I was used to living in an apartment! This place was huge!

"Yes, we hope you find this to your liking."

"It's freaking AWESOME!" I shouted. They smiled genuinely pleased

"We are glad you like it, now go get some rest" Celestia said pushing towards the door "We need to go ensure our subjects don't hurt themselves." The began to walk back towards the giant tree. I shook my head smiling as I went inside.

Comments

[Undead_Non-Brony]

ponies. salt.
humans. vodka.
effects? Same!?
what?!

[Ranakastrasz]

This is friggin genious. The whole pony pun reaction and the mental image of a drunken unicorn juggling books were hilarious. Oh, and the rare but accurate act of calling them horses initially was refreshing.

[Hi]

He should of grabbed some vine cutters or a lawnmowers of ancient times instead of a crowbar... seriously why a crowbar?

[Hat and clogs guy]

1978691 Because Gordon Freeman.

[HIEfan]

Ponys puking at a party........

[Sea Pony]

1978565 rare? almost in half of the HIE i read the ponies are called horse at the first contact

[Cadmium]

1978691
because a crowbar is one of the most versatile tools you can pick up short of a sonic screwdriver. and of course Gordon Freeman.

[TenebrisSol]

Great drunken ponies.
it's bad when humans drink and drive, but it's even worse to see unicorn drink (eat salt) and use magic.

[Ranakastrasz]

1979794 hmm, must be a totally different set of fics then. Most I read with ocs not bronies still call them ponies instantly.

[ssokolow]

You need a proofreader (mostly for your punctuation) but, aside from that, this is great. It's got some of the best humour I've read in quite a while.

[Zarose]

This story is FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC! Dude I was hooked from the second chapter. This has got to be one of the funniest things I've read yet! Props on this man! Love the "just-don't-give-a-shit" attitude of the main guy. So dam funny!

[Sir_deadpool]

So...what happened with the "Hey i have a demon in my head."Thing?...Because i REALLY miss Knighty whity.

[Dartagnen]

Jolly good show.

[The Shade]

I have this urge in the back of my throat to puke, and if I puke this story is gonna get some serious criticism (I don't care how good something is, I can always come up with criticism.) The only way I WON'T puke is if this story is worth my time not getting shit-for-all angry at the fact that I read 59 chapters to no avail.

[The Shade]

Also, I hope Knight really is there, he was like 70% of the reason I read the previous story xD

[The Shade]

Needs more Knight.

[The Shade]

2914103 Is deadpool a magazine (Or book or whatever you wanna call it.) on his own or is he just a character in some others?

[Soul Reaper]

2957523

omg, he lives!!!!

[The Shade]

Next chapter anytime soon?

[RazorWing_GB]

Moar? I likes dis.

Hooked on the first chapter, this story's really funny man.