Arrival
A portly man was holding a torch, a stone brazier with a bright flame at the top. He brought it down as vampires charged him, the flames of the torch were reflected in his dark shades. He swung the torch from side to side to ward them off. his black hair and sideburns glistened from the firelight. “Cole! A little help here?” he shouted urgently. Meanwhile behind the man another man, Cole, was fighting off other vampires that wore red coats, the coats were open, and wielded crossbows. “I’m a little busy here Zeke.” Cole answered before taking a crossbow bolt in the shoulder. Zeke walked backwards as the vampires closed in. A laugh echoed through the cavern they were in, a red cloud appeared from deeper within, Zeke turned to Cole and shouted, “Cole, Mary’s comin’!” Cole pulled his makeshift stake out of the vampire he had impaled. It turned to dust.
"You might be wondering how we got in this situation." Zeke spoke. He was in a bar in West Marais, speaking to a few people that were listening, "Well it all started when Cole Was bitten by a Vampire, she decided to let Cole live as a Vampire to use his power in her army but that is where she made the biggest mistake of her life, her undead life. She was a matchstick of a corpse that was hidden in a crypt beneath a church here in New Marais, Now Cole went to the church after people began screaming for help, some people think Cole is a bad guy... Ain't nothing farther from the truth. Back then if people were suffering he'd be there to lend a hand." Zeke took a drink of his beer, "It was cold down there in them catacombs beneath the city. First they were used for crypts and then for an underground railroad, then for some bootlegging; yeah they'd get used for pretty much everything." He took another drink.
"Thing is, folks who went down there kept disappearing. Cole went in anyway because that's what kind of guy he was. Now I wasn't there when he got bit but he told me that while he was down there he began seeing something strange, a pack of bats flying around and shadows appearing in lights before the bats flew by again, he didn't think nothing of it at the time but that was a mistake. The last person that was down there wasn't a human, it was one of them. Cole had been chained up and brought to Mary where those fangers had opened a vein in his neck and started dripping the blood into her corpse. Cole's a conduit. He's superhuman. And his blood, whew, it did the trick. Now his blood did the trick, it brought her back from the dead. After that she told him that he had a single night before he was hers. Forever." He sighed and asked for another beer, one of the people in the bar payed for it.
"Me and Cole we went searching for things to stop her and we found that Father Ignatius had made a weapon to fight Mary, the Barbed Cross and boy was that thing made! The core was made of sacred wood no joke, edged in silver from Solomon's temple, dipped in holy water from the Vatican and blessed by the big man himself. That thing was the ultimate blood sucker slayer." He opened the top and drank again, "Now we went looking for it and when we found it Cole chased Mary back into the crypt where we were now. We had gone down there to set up some bombs, seeing as every Vampire in New Marais followed Bloody Mary down there. Now that's how we got down there." he continued his story.
Cole watched Bloody Mary-a tall beautiful woman with flowing red hair, snow white skin, and she wore a red dress with a black bat necklace-materialized from the scarlet cloud. “We can be together forever Cole Macgrath.” she said, her hands began glowing and Cole felt himself getting drained of power coming with a massive headache. “Never, Bloody Mary!” he shouted back before charging her and ramming the sharp, jagged, wooden end of the coffin lid he had defaced into her chest. Bloody Mary screamed as it struck home, the Barbed Cross on the end of it weakening Mary. She turned back into the cloud and flew off, Cole drained a nearby generator to recharge himself. “Uh Cole... If it isn’t too much to ask for. Help!” Zeke shouted as he fought to stop a vampire from biting him.
“I got ya buddy!” Cole answered, shooting the vampire away with a bolt of lightning, it struck the water near the other vampires and electrocuted them, lighting continued to dance across the water for a short time after they fell into the water. Zeke stood up, “Thanks man.” he ran to Cole, “The charges are set Cole. Let’s get out of here.” he said Cole smiled and nodded.
Zeke throws the torch he was holding, which he used to light his way to set the bombs, to the floor behind him before jogging to the steps. He slowed to a stop when he saw sunlight entering the tunnel; “Oh shit Cole, the sun!” he says before turning back to his vampire friend. Cole turned around and held a hand up keep the sun from his eyes; his body emitted a
black smoke, as it burned his body. He fell to the floor, stood up and used his arm to cover his face as he approached the exit. “Hurry up, we get out of this hole and I’ll torch it!” Cole’s portly friend said from the entrance. Cole slowly walked past the open stone doors and forced himself to walk through the pain. “Ha, Ha, Ha, you feel it now? Oh your mine, vampire, forever.” The woman who had made him a vampire said, Bloody Mary. Cole began stumbling up the steps into the blinding white light the sun was giving off, he tried covering his face with his arms and turning away but nothing helped the pain he was going through. Zeke spoke to Cole from somewhere within the blinding light, “Follow my voice… C’mon man, I’ll see you through.”
Cole continued climbing the stairs and slowly everything at the top was coming into focus as dark smudges then as silhouettes. “C’mon man, that’s it!” Zeke continued. Cole could see Zeke clearly now and he heard Bloody Mary speaking again, “No! No!” she shouted as Zeke and Cole left the tunnel they were in; Cole was still fighting to stay standing as his flesh burned. Bloody Mary came out, crawling in her crimson dress; she held her hand out, reaching for Cole. Zeke looked at her, raised the detonator, and pressed it while she watched. A massive explosion sent the two flying, and collapsing the tunnel they had been inside, as well as destroying every vampire that was down there. Cole was blown farther than Zeke, he saw something strange not too far away, a decoration of a unicorn, and it was round with a half circle cut out for the eye. “What’s this?” He grabbed it and felt a strange sensation of being pulled, as well as being flattened, stretched, inflating, deflating, and finally being torn apart. He screamed the entire time with a single thought: This is worse than the sun!
“Whoo, we did it Cole! Cole?” Zeke called out, not hearing his friend he looked around before a thought dawned on him, “Oh no.” he fell to his knees, “You burned up. We were too late.” He then fell on his hands and started pounding the concrete with his fist, “Why did Cole have to burn! How could I let this happen!?” he shouted as tears came to his eyes. After a few minutes of beating the pavement, his hand was red and swollen; his glove was scratched and torn where it contacted the cement. He stood and looked around, "Maybe he's around here somewhere. Playing a trick on me!" he said hopefully. He continued to look but stopped when the sun began to set, "Maybe he went to help someone. I'll catch up with him later... I guess." he said as he began a mournful walk to the nearest bar, completely forgetting the walkies he and Cole had with them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Cole woke up in an alley, “An alley? That is never a good sign.” He sighed and stood up, stretching and cracking his back. “Ah it feels good to be human.” He looks up at the sky and sees the moon. “Huh, did I sleep through the whole day?” he wondered before he looked at his surroundings and saw a single thing missing. “No power boxes.” He focused and sent out a small electrical pulse to detect the nearest power source. None, not even the smallest flashlight. “What kind of place is this? Am I in Amish country?” he said before he looked up, no power lines either, nothing that worked on electricity. He began climbing the largest building that was near, but stopped when he reached a window. He looked at himself, same yellow shirt, it was black on the shoulders and the sleeves that went to his biceps, same black pants, those stupid red eyes, the scar on his cheek, and the two holes on his neck, the veins were showing, making it seem like a massive injury.
“It didn't fucking work!” he shouted before breaking the glass and jumping away from the building to use his powers to reach the top, he had to admit that the Shadow storm was the only thing he’d miss. The first thing that hit him was that he was on a mountain; the second was that his hunger was growing. “No! I need to find something quickly, anything besides a civilian.” He said. He walked to the edge of the building and used his vampire sense to find anything with blood flowing through it, the world darkened around him all hearts and circulatory systems appeared within a skeletal system. He could feel there was blood in the home underneath his feet but he didn't want to hurt them. A few seconds went by and he caught a single lone being walking by, it had a strange skeleton. Cole stopped using the Vampire sense and looked over the edge of the building and saw a small horse, "Is that a horse? A city with horses, Amish country, doesn't surprise me.” he sighed and crouched on the ledge thinking, Well I guess horses have to do for now.
He jumped and fell fast, using his electrical powers to slow his descent; he didn't want to make his hunger grow. He walked up to the nearest pony and grabbed its neck, “Don’t worry buddy. This won’t hurt a bit.” The blue pony looked at him in shock and fear as Cole opened his mouth to reveal two teeth were longer and sharper than the others. His lower lip quivered and his jaw opened and closed a few times, he was getting more frightened as Cole’s mouth closed in.
When his fangs came into contact the pony screamed, “Help! Help me somepony!” Cole stopped when he heard the pony speak; it sounded male. Cole held it up with both hands. The pony cowered in his hands, both hooves up to protect his face, “P-please don’t kill me. I-I have a wife and two kids! One of them, my son, is part of the Royal guard! And the other, my daughter, is Celestia’s own student!” he managed to say, Cole could hear pride in his voice. Something else, he had a horn. He put the pony down, immediately the pony ran, well galloped, off shouting monster. “I can’t drink his blood, he’s got family. And a horn for some reason, what is it a Unicorn? Those can’t be real.” Cole said to himself.
He could feel his hunger beating him, through a headache, for not feeding it. “I’ll find something else.” He walked into an alley to look for stray dogs or cats or even a rat. "A small horse...They’re… Ponies... This place has talking ponies. I think I've gone off the deep end." he spoke to himself, "Zeke would get a kick out of this." He added before looking around, "Where the hell am I?" He shook the question off and continued his search to quench the hunger. As he scrounged and scavenged for prey he heard wings flapping and looked up. He didn’t see anything so he continued to search, “Come on a giant city like this and not a single rat!? Damn these guys… ponies are efficient.”
Cole stopped when he finally found a rat; it spotted him first and tried to run. “No you don’t.” Cole said before reaching out his arm, a red arc of lightning went out of his hand and hit the rat, it screeched as it fell unconscious. Cole walked up to the rat and picked it up, “Oh I hope I don’t get rabies for this.” He bit into it and drank the rat dry, it didn’t fill him up but it was
enough to calm the hunger for now. “Halt! In the name of Princess Luna you are under arrest.” A voice said from behind Cole. He turned to the voice, another pony though this one was dressed in dark blue armor, sporting bat wings along with fangs to complete the image. Cole gripped his makeshift amp and approached the pony, “You stupid bloodsuckers are everywhere aren't you?” he asked, the pony stood tall and repeated what he had said.
Cole drew the amp and the pony watched as red lightning arced around the makeshift weapon and Cole, “I’m not going to go to your master alright? But how about you tell her I said hi, in hell!” Cole charges the pony; it takes a step back as it sees his eyes streaked with the same red lightning.
“What are you!?” it asked as it flew up and away from Cole, he smiled and answered, “Your worst nightmare.” He used Shadow storm to reach the pony, it was shocked to see the human materialize before him with the weapon held high ready to impale the poor guard. “Die!” Cole shouted as he brought the amp down onto the guard’s chest. A strange dark blue aura stopped his amp just short of the guard's chest, it was darker than the guard’s armor, and it blasted Cole away onto a building, he bounced twice before coming to a stop near the edge. He looked up to see his amp still floating there in that blue aura, the Vampire pony was flying off.
Cole used his vampire sense so that he could follow the trail it left but noticed one thing; he could see veins going through the pony. He looked back at his amp and saw a full size horse there, it had wings and a long spiral horn, its mane was filled with stars and flowing-along with its tail-and it seemed angry. “HOW DAREST THOU ASSAULT MY GUARD THOU WRETCHED CREATURE!” it shouted loudly, extremely loudly.
Cole looked at it and saw it’s horn was glowing the same color, he thought that maybe if he could stun this horse he could take the amp and run off before anyone or thing found him. He held out his hand, the arm had red lightning streaking through it like snakes, “I don’t want to hurt you, but I need that.” Cole said, pointing to the amp with his other hand. She gave him a bemused look, “You shall not have any weapon and will be thrown in the dungeon immediately.” She said. Cole shot a lightning bolt at her, she flew aside quickly, dodging the attack, but he could see the shock on her face. A single bolt was all that was needed, the amp fell and Cole ran for it. He jumped off the building, reaching out to grab it. Once it was in his hand he felt his body freeze up as if he was made of stone, “What the hell?” he managed to say as he fell.
This is going to hurt he thought as the his vision was filled with the nearing concrete. He braced himself as much as he could, which was just closing his eyes, and waited for the concrete to embrace him and break a few bones but that never happened. He opened his eyes after a few seconds to see he was in the blue aura, The horse walked up beside him, “For assaulting royalty thou should be banished, though thou art too dangerous to be left alone. Therefore thou shalt be thrown in the dungeon to await thy punishment.” She announced before flying with Cole in tow. Great, just great, I used more power, made the hunger stronger and now I’m going to jail. Hopefully her dungeon has a rat infestation...never thought I’d say that. Cole thought as they approached a large, pristine, white, castle.
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I'm a little disapointed on how easily luna was able to defeat him.... I understand that he can't just kill luna at the start, but luna could not of ever done that.
I will still follow cause it was still pretty interesting
1760121
Hmm, sorry for disappointing you then.
1760141
Well its still a good story, trust me I don't really like ponies. And kind of like it when the humans fuck 'em up ya know :D
Still, good job!
Gherkin here, to investigate the source of those pesky downvotes!
First off, let me say I'm a huge fan of inFamous. Like, really huge. Huge as in also writing a semi-crossover of it right now. But I digress. Let's begin!
So it starts off with the ending of Festival of Blood, with Cole being apparently burned by the sun as a framing device for him being in Equestria. An obvious cliché, but it's usually either that or a random portal out of nowhere, so it's okay. Unfortunately, here's where we start to notice the flaws.
The story starts straight in the middle of the action, with absolutely no backstory or explanation as to the events leading up to it. To those unfamiliar with the events of the game, they're going to be left in the dark. We need some sort of explanation as to what's happening, even if it's just one sentence summarizing everything, like 'Cole's efforts to remove the curse placed on him had lead him here, to the crypt beneath New Marais' cathedral'.
Onto the basics of writing now. Your spelling and grammar all seems to be in order, but where the whole thing falls flat is in formatting. You need to remember to start a new paragraph for each speaker. For example, this:
Should become this:
Also, put some more detail into the action. At the moment, all it seems to amount to is, "Cole shot the vampires. Then he stabbed Bloody Mary. Then he did this. Then he did that." Describe the action some more, or it's going to get boring very quickly.
Finally, the characters. Zeke and Cole seem to be out of character. Zeke, for example, seems to react strangely to Cole's supposed death. I mean sure, he cries and beats the ground for a bit, but then he just gets up and leaves. Doesn't try to look to see if he survived. He's going off the fact that Cole didn't respond to assume he died.
Cole, when he arrives in Equestria, doesn't really seem to care when he realizes he's surrounded by ponies. He was kind of like, "Oh look, ponies. Oh well, better suck some blood." I mean, I know he's seen some weird stuff, but you'd think he'd react a bit more apprehensively than he did. For all he knew, they could have a completely different kind of blood that could kill him if he drank it. Also, how does he even know that they're ponies in the first place. I mean, sure they have four legs and hooves and all that, but when we see that, our mind tends to jump to the word 'horse' first. I don't know, I'm nitpicking.
Anyway, that's all from me. I hope you take some of my advice to heart, because I truthfully feel that, if pulled off right, it could be pretty good. For now though, it's a below-average, rushed along mess.
~Gherkin8088, the self-proclaimed Crossover Guy
1760454
again thanks for that
Ah thanks for something helpful, I'll fix it up a bit
her and ramming the pointy wooden end of the coffin lid he had defaced. Bloody Mary creamed as it struck home.
...I don't even know how to commentate on that.
1760792
Stupid errors, I'll fix it immediately, along with a few other edits
1760803...........can't....stop.......laughing.......
1760829
Errors fixed and story improved... Hopefully
No this is a story I can sink my teeth into.
1768044 GOD DAMN IT BARB
1768044 Oh puns, how you enjoy me so.