Surprise

by Cyber V

chapter 1: The mist

Disclaimer- I don't own any of the My little pony: FiM or any of its character expect my oc

Chapter one

Hi I am Jace Coden, but everyone calls me J.C. I am 15 years old, 5,10, have blonde hair, blue eyes light skin and more importantly of all I am a brony, and this is the story of my life.

As I was walking down a trail in the park with my earphones on listening Warriors of Light by Freedom Call, I am mad because my little brother had spilled apple juice all over my computer (kind of ironic) when I was writing a story about MLP: FiM, so I left home to cool down, I knew that my brother did it by accident, but I told him to leave when I was getting dinner, it happened when I eating dinner I noticed that my little brother wasn't around, I immediately got up and went to my room and there he was tiring to clean up a spilled mess with a towel, he noticed that I was there, and started stammering, "J-Jace I'm s-sorry I spilled juice all over your computer," and there my computer ruined before I can start yelling at my brother I grabbed my jacket along with my IPod, phone and left. "Mom, I am going for a walk." And here I am now, walking on the path I take when I need to cool down, I noticed that it was getting dark. "Crap, I need to get home, and fast."

I started running back home so I won't worry my mom, when I was near my house something strange started to happen a mist rolled in and I was quickly engulfed, I slowed down so I won't run into something. It felt like I was walking in circles. After what felt like ten minutes the mist cleared and I found that I was no longer on the path to back to my house, but in a forest, I think I need to call mom, I took out my phone and realized that I don't have anykind of signal, crap, sigh, might as well follow this road, I continued following the path and I stopped, because I reached the edge of the forest and saw what was there, "what the h-"I stopped saying what I was going to say, because I saw a town, "where am I?" I slowly walked to the town and I noticed that the town was in like a pre-industrial era. I looked up and saw that the moon was bigger, and I also noticed that the stars where different, "this is getting weird, "and then I turned around, and saw a sight I will never forget, because there on the side of the mountain was a white castle, "This cannot be happening, this isn't real," I freaked out, "that castle is Cantorlot, which means that this forest is the White Tail Woods, and the town is Ponyville, and I am in Equestria." Then I heard a couple gasp behind me, I turned around and there it was standing a little yellow filly with red mane and a lighter red bow on her head, next to the filly, a white unicorn filly with pink and violet colors in her mane, and next to that one was a orange filly pegasis with light purple color mane, staring at me with wide eyes, and I immediately recognized the three fillies, "I can't believe it, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle is that you, "then all three screamed and ran off. I noticed that lights started to turn on around me, I ran back to the forest as fast I could. When I reached a far enough distance from Ponyville, I lay down against a tree, and thought, how did I get here? Why am I here? I hope that my family isn't to worried about me?, the events from tonight started to me soon I started to feel tired, I closed my eyes and hoped that this is all a dream, and fell asleep.

Twilight Sparkle was reading Equestrian History and its Creatures in bed when the screaming started. She got out of bed quickly and in a flash she teleported to the front door, just as the front door burst open to let in the Cutie Mark Crusaders. "What's wrong my little ponies?" asked Twilight. Scootaloo spoke up first, "there's a monster in White Tails Woods."
"What were you three doing in White Tails Woods in the first place? And what does this monster look like?" asked Twilight.
Sweetie Belle answered, "We were trying out wilderness survival to see if we can get our cutie marks, and the monster looked like a giant monkey, but with fur on its head and it looks like it was wearing clothes, and get this it knew our names."
"Well I have never read anything like that before in my books… wait did you say it knew your names?"
The three fillies nodded, you three go and stay at Apple Jacks, and tell her to meet me here in the morning. The three fillies trotted out of the door and started heading to Sweet Apple Acres.
Twilight got out a quill and an ink well and a piece of parchment and started to write:

Dear Princess Celestia
I have received a report from your three youngest subjects saying that they seen a creature that doesn't fit any descriptions in any of my book in the white Tail Woods, so my friends and I will investigate this creature in the woods.
Your Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle

I will send this in the morning, though the thought of an unknown creature in the woods does excite me but I need my sleep, she rolled up the letter and headed for bed. She snuffed out all the lights in her home and went to bed, of course Spike is still sleeping. When Twilight laid her head on her pillow she immediately fell asleep.
End Chapter

Comments

I'd check out some guides on how to write fiction (plenty of them online) Learning how to write better will get you more reviews.

Some things to help you out:
1. Don't outright describe your character. Try to work that information into the story.
2. SHOW, don't tell the story
3. Always hit return twice between paragraphs. (You're killing your readers if they can't see where the paragraphs begin)
4. APPLEJACK! NOT Apple Jack! (No excuse for that one, you probably read other stories and you deserve the yelling for not seeing that)
5. WHITETAIL WOODS (As in "White-tailed Deer," again more yelling, just not as much)
6. Google "Mary Sue"

As a final thing to help you out. Don't tell your readers why your character does what he does. (I'm running home to mom so she isn't worried) The things your character does should explain why he does it, or at least allow the reader to guess why.

[Vash_ts]

and after you finish your chapter, read it.
this will make you realize if you are missing something.

[Primordial Deomontus]

this is really good

[Firebirdbtops]

Also try ending your sentences.
Edit: To be fair, you do have 11 other chapters, and may have improved since posting this.

[theepicartists]

137393 vlash the stampede agrees with you

[Buckshot2825]

"What's wrong my little ponies?" asked Twilight.

PLAGIRISM TWILIGHT BE STEALING CELESTIA'S LINES!!!!!
Good start, i look forward to the rest ^_^

[NecromanCREEEEEE]

Hi I am Jace Coden, but everyone calls me J.C. I am 15 years old, 5,10, have blonde hair, blue eyes light skin and more importantly of all I am a brony, and this is the story of my life.

.............................................................. *double face claw*