Chapter 2: The same way you entered it
Dima went into a full sprint and football tackled Pinkie Pie to the ground. Artyom quickly picked up the grenade and hurled it as far away as he could. It detonated a couple dozen meters away.
“What was that?” asked Rainbow Dash.
Dima got off of Pinkie, then answered the question. “That was an M67 fragmentation grenade. It’s quite simple to use,
actually. Just pull the pin, wait three seconds, throw it at someone you don’t like, boom, instant explosion”
“Wait, so if Pinkie didn’t move, she’d be...”
“Everywhere? Yes.” Dima said with a grin.
Dima was the living embodiment of 4chan, he could see dozens of kittens burning to death and still maintain that grin. Granted he’d still feel terrible about it, there was just something about him that made him smile at the most inappropriate of times. It wasn’t a happy grin either, it was a ‘rip out your skull and beat your new born baby to death with it’ grin. But I digress.
“Ooh, ooh, are we playing hoofball, I love hoofball!” screamed Pinkie, completely ignoring the fact she was nearly blown to bits.
“Is there a city or anything near here, I haven’t had anything to eat in ages” asked Sasha.
“Sure, there’s the crystal empire only a three hour walk from here” Shinning armour responded.
It had been two hours of walking, enduring the snow and ice and nonstop questions.
“So where’d you get those scars from, Dima?” Twilight asked.
“When I was in Georgia, I was captured and tortured for information by rebels. They took a red hot hunting knife and drove into my cheek then slashed it down my neck.”
“Oh...” Twilights face expressed one of shock and pity. “How’d you escape?”
“My hands where in shackles attached to the ceiling, but my legs weren’t bound at all. I kicked him in the balls and in his rage he knocked me unconscious. I awoke to their dead bodies and Artyom here unchaining me.”
Shinning Armour cringed at the balls part.
“I feel I should say this now, where omnivores” Sasha said.
The ponies backed away.
“Oh don’t be like that, I’m not going to eat you.” He said, his voice filled with annoyance.
“We, we can’t supply you meat.” Replied Twilight.
“We can supply ourselves”
Fluttershy suddenly filled with rage.
“YOU WILL NOT HURT INNOCENT CREATURES!” She screamed, with a voice that could rival the Canterlot voice. The timid pony’s sudden outburst caught the humans off guard, they were about to object when Applejack barged in.
“Ah have a cousin that runs a farm out near Trottingham, Ah’m sure she’ll be happy to send a critter or two over, that is, if you could rustle up the doe”
Crimson all nodded in agreement. “We could work something out”
Fluttershy was seething with rage, but kept it under control, not wanting to upset her orange friend.
The next five minutes held an awkward silence, until Rarity trotted over to Artyom.
“What is that fabric your wearing, it seems absolutely marvelous!” she said, staring at the shiny fabric that, even after its wear, still managed to sparkle.
“It’s made of a special thread, when an electrical current is applied to it, it crystallizes and forms a reflective surface, making it harder to spot me. Then it reverts back to normal”
“Ooh, where co-“ They were interrupted by a loud roar.
A large winged beast dove under the clouds, it began its descent towards the group.
“DRAGON!” Twilight screamed as her and her friends took off running.
The humans, however, stood in place.
“Dmitry” said Sasha. “This is why I brought my Javelin.”
Sasha slung the massive weapon over his shoulders. Luckily, a heat seeking missile was already loaded into it. He took aim, the heat of the dragon against a frozen background was more than enough for the missile to lock on to. Sasha began his battle cry.
“YOUR GONNA LEAVE THIS WORLD THE SAME WAY YOU ENTERED IT, THROUGH YOUR MOTHER’S VAGINAAAAA!”
He fired the missile, it quickly altered its course as it curved left and impacted the dragon’s side. There was a loud ‘boom’ as the explosion ripped apart its entire mid section. It’s remains fell to the ground as the surrounding area was covered in blood and chunks of meat.
The girls heard a massive explosion and quickly turned around. The dragon was laying on the ground, the only thing recognizable of it being its neck and tail. They approached the body cautiously, all of them were about to vomit, except for Dash. She pulled a camera out of her bag and snapped a photo, she was in complete shock at what happened.
“They killed it in seconds” she whispered.
She was broken from her trance when Crimson walked by.
“He’s dead as fuck, now let’s get going” Sasha said casually.
After another hour walk of awkward silence, the crystal empire came into view. The ponies were now much more uncomfortable around the alien’s, they never fully realized the full extent of their power until they killed the dragon. Even Celestia would of had problems with that beast.
The snow quickly disappeared as they entered the outskirts of the city.
“So, what do you think?” asked Shinning Armor.
“Meh, I’ve seen better” Dima responded.
“Like what?”
“I doubt that you’ve ever been to Vancouver, Canada.”
“Can’t say I have,”
They walked through the open field and into the city streets. The strange bipedal creatures caught everypony’s eye, some began to whisper among themselves while others simply stared. None of this fazed the group as they headed towards their destination, the castle.
The doors of the throne room swung open as Shinning and Twilight walked through. They were greated by Shinning’s wife, Cadence, and Twilight’s assistant, Spike.
“Oh honey, you’re home” said Cadence. “What did you fi-“ she began to slowly backup. “What did you... what did... what... wat?”
Artyom and his teammates could easily be seen as they towered over the ponies.
“Oh, it’s okay, they’re cool” answered Shinning as Artyom walked forward.
“Maam.” Is all he said.
Twilight began to speak. “We should probably get them cleaned up before we-“
The doors flung open.
“Princesses!” Twilight screamed.
“Hello my little ponies, Its been a long time since I visited the crystal empire, and I thought I’d stop by... Oh my...”
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That was the worst battle cry ever and it made me laugh my ass off.
This is hilarious! I love it!
i read all the dialogues from the Russians out loud in a Russian accent. so much better. need more updates.
This is by far the funniest HiE fic I've ever read. Keep writing.
upvoted and instafaved because russians
this is gold
Woo! Russians and Hoofball!
"Some people call them monsters, I call them bitches!"
Ahem. As an old philosophy of mine..."When in doubt; frag the fuck out!" seems to not work on ponies. Disappointed face. Ah well, Russians, ponies, and jokes about the internet. I hereby approve.
1651000 on almost every post I read, I see your name in the comment section>>1651649
1651657
You think I'm common? Wait until you see Regidar.
The hell? Where is the stereotypical "Ivan smash flying gecko!" bad Russian speaker? Annoyances out of the way, not bad!
My yes, all of my yes.
sir i am appalled on the killing of the dragon. i mean come on! there was perfectly good meat EVERYWHERE! and they just left it there.
i am disappoint
Somepony has played Halo Spartan Ops has he? Best war cry ever!
“YOUR GONNA LEAVE THIS WORLD THE SAME WAY YOU ENTERED IT, THROUGH YOUR
MOTHER’S VAGINAAAAA!”
I feel that your having trouble settling on a tone. Most of the time; you seem to be taking a comedic angle on things, like with that x-box for example; but other times it seems like your going for shock value, like Pinky grenade cliffhanger or dragon that came out of no were and was dealt with brutal inefficiency. Also, bad cliffhangers are bad. Well these ones are at least. Especially the Pinky grenade. As a comedic event? Sure, it's alright; but as a cliffhanger, it's terrible. The way forward was obvious, there would obviously be a quick scuffle over the grenade before being thrown safely away. It is my personal opinion that the better cliffhanger would be just after first contact, just after the translation spell was cast and I was a little panicked about the direction guns were pointing in. What the hell is about to go down? Will they shoot? Who will get shot? Cliffhangers that involve doubt about a characters motivation or whether or not s/he will act rationally are better than ones that involve a brief consideration about how the hell they will get out of that one because, lets face it, plot armor is indestructible. That said; the cliffhanger in this one is allot better.
Don't get me wrong; I like this, I don't like it alot, but I like it none the less.
Hmm... Alrighty, read enough to know that the story is somewhat lacking in the psychological aspects of the characters. They become friendly towards one another too quickly, there is no tension, no sense of distrust and doubt in the humans. They simply accept that the world has mystical creatures, magic and the like. There seem to be no natural psychological barriers, no thought of consequences. The humans simply accept the fact they are stuck here, don't even think about method of returning home. They lack the basic human response when faced with a complete unknown. The story itself is a nice idea but unfortunately this small holes make it a lot harder for me to read and accept the characters as realistic...
...What is this Dragon you speak of?
You cannot be anymore wrong. /b/ ≠ 4chan.
i.imgur.com/skY0j.jpg
it's 2ch in russia. and it was way way way worse than 4chan.
Good night, sweet 2ch. You will be forever in my fucked up mind.
1724358
how did you even fimfiction cyrillic? last time i tried it just screwed the entire post.
1730725
i lived in a snow and ice region of russia from 4 till 17. i will hate snow till the rest of my days.
Laughed my fucking head of in the middle of my lounge room. Got some funny looks though...