Humanity investigates a possibly habitable planet. This curious planet.
42 light years away, humanity discovers a possibly habitable planet. But things go awry and the suvivors are stranded on the planet, this curious planet.
Wait what? You thought they were American? HA, YOU MAKE ME LAUGH, HUMAN!
“So, what in the hell did you bring us here for, sir?” Said Artyom.
“24 days ago we outfitted this here ship with the first ever L.S. Fumantari engine. This engine is the most revolutionary invention ever, period. Not only is it capable of light speed travel, but it is more fuel efficient than the Prius.” Replied General Glukhovsky. “You, along with two other fire teams have been chosen to escort ‘The Red Dwarf’ and her crew to a possibly habitable planet 42 light-years away. You will be in cryo for the entire trip. Lastly, you will be charged with protecting a science team as they survey the planet.You will then return to earth and report your findings."
“So basically we’re going to be gone for 84 years?”
“More like 85”
“With all due respect sir, why did you choose us?” Interrupted Dima, the fire teams medic.
“Due to the duration of this mission, we opted for soldiers with no families. And it just so happens no one on your fire team has one.” The 4 soldiers nodded. “You will be rewarded handsomely upon your return, not to mention being remembered throughout history. Any questions?”
“Can I bring my xbox?”
Artyom sat down at the table. He was flanked by Dima, who was around 6’7”, with dark brown hair, a muscular build (Like all of his squad mates) and 3 long scars stretching down the left side of his face. In front of him sat Dmitry, the blonde support trooper. To his left was Sasha, the engineer. Finally there was him, the fire team leader and marksman.
They were all busy eating dinner before the launch, most of them wanted to eat as much as they could before their 42 years of cryo sleep.
“So you seriously brought your xbox?! Oh man you’re so addicted, when do you even plan to be able to play it?” Exclaimed Sasha.
“It was my father’s, I’ll feel a lot more safe with it here than in storage back on earth” Replied Artyom.
Another soldier walked up and sat down next to Sasha.
“Hi, you’re fire team crimson, right?” he said.
This guy had obvious issues.
“Uh, yes”
“I’m Bourbon, from fire team Majestic. Are you nervous? Because I am.”
“Not really”
“But what happens if the life support fails while we’re in cryo?”
“I doubt that will happen”
“You never know.”
“All personnel, please report to your designated cryo chambers, we will be launching shortly” A loud voice called over the intercom. All of the people in the cafeteria stood up and began to funnel out the nearest exit. Artyom and his team followed numerous signs until they reached their destination, ‘Cryo chamber B’
Artyom felt the thrusters kick in as they propelled the ship to light speed, and then cut out as they continued to drift at light speed.
The four men all undressed and stepped into their respective pods. The door sealed shut with a hiss infront of Artyom. His vision began to blur as he started to loose consciousness. He could feel the air around him get colder, a lot colder. The last thing he saw was the glass of the tube freeze over before everything went black.
42 years later
The glass doors of 4 cryo pods swung open, and their occupants slowly floated out of them. They were met by the same ship, now lit by the red emergency lighting and locked in an eternal winter.
“What happened?” asked a confused Dmitry.
“Power probably cut out to the lighting and artificial gravity, life support seems intact however.” Replied Sasha.
“How long until we freeze to death?”
“A couple minutes, tops”
“well we better get moving then”
The squad geared up, which was surprisingly hard in micro gravity. Their insulated combat uniforms would at least provide them with a couple of hours before hypothermia sets in. Artyom grabbed the bag containing his xbox and tv screen before heading out.
“Really?”
“Fuck off”
Artyom floated over to ‘Cryo Chamber A’. None of the pods had opened yet. He floated to a random pod, he looked over to the status pad and noticed it was covered in ice. He looked around and noticed a chunk of metal floating around, he grabbed it and chipped away the ice from the screen.
‘Life Support failure, Occupant: Deceased' it read. Artyom looked up at the pod and chipped away the ice from the glass lid. He immediately recognized the face of the frozen corpse still inside the pod.
“Sometimes, I fucking hate it when you’re right Bourbon”
The team swept all the cryo chambers, but none were alive. They regrouped back at ‘Cryo chamber B’.
“Status?” asked Artyom.
“We are the only survivors, what next?” answered Dmitry.
“Okay, let’s head to the observation deck, see if we’re over the planet”
“And then what?”
“We land on it.”
Crimson made their way over to the observation deck, it was a glass capsule located under the bridge. It took a while to chip away an area large enough to see through. They were infact orbiting around the dark side of their destination, the planet dubbed ‘Equus’. The planet was the same size as Venus, along with the same atmosphere make up and gravity as Earth. The moon was different though, however the same size as Earths, was much closer to the planet.
“Alright, let’s get to the armory, arm up and then get to the drop pods. Sasha, how much longer until hypothermia sets in?”
“About 30 minutes, sir”
“You heard the man let’s get moving!”
The team floated to the armory on the opposite end of the Hallway. The walls of the armory were all adorned with a variety of ordnance, from RPG’s to pistols, it had everything. Dima went for an AEK 971, along with a P90, side arm and 3 M67 fragmentation grenades. Dmitry dawned a PKP PECHENEG, AN 94, C4 and a side arm. Sasha had a AK74u, AS VAL , FGM JAVELIN and a side arm. Artyom carried a OSV-96 sniper rifle, AK47, target designator and a side arm.
“Sasha! What the hell are you going to need a Javelin for?” complained Dmitry.
“Shut up, and let’s get to the drop pods” retorted Sasha.
The drop pod bay was right next to the armory, and the team wasted no time climbing into their respective pods.
“Let’s hope the release latches still work” said Dima, over the teams radio.
Each person pressed a green button on a pad on the right side of the pod. The door’s of the pod swung down and sealed, the pod hissed as the interior pressurized. Dozens of screens came to life as the pods lowered and the rotated. Artyom looked out the one central window, they were over the planets northern hemisphere, the surface began to brighten as dawn approached. The pod’s lights flashed red, signaling three seconds until launch. With a large thud, the four pods detached from the ship and began to careen towards the planet’s surface. The outside of the pod became engulfed in flames as the planet got closer and closer. The acceleration thrusters activated, giving the pilots control of their vessels.
“How’s it going, Sasha” asked Dima. Sasha’s voice came through the speakers, heavily distorted by the sound of static.
“THIS THING CONTROLS LIKE A WHORE FULL OF DICKS!”
As if on cue, the de-acceleration thrusters kicked in, making the craft more maneuverable. The ground came into view as the flames around the exterior died down. Dmitry looked at the pad on his right ‘50ft, 20ft, 5ft’. The pods hit the ground with a tremendous bang. The doors hissed and flung off their hinges, landing 50 ft away. Out stepped four soldiers, guns raised. The snow crunched under their boots as they began to move around.
“What’s the matter?”
“MORE FUCKING ICE!”
Twilight had been up all night, not reading but celebrating. Pinkie threw a party in The Crystal Kingdom in celebration of Twilight’s A and the defeat of king Sombra. The party started at 10:00pm the day before and was still raging, even when the sun would rise any moment. Damn these crystal ponies knew how to party.
“Twilight look!” screamed Pinkie.
Four lights appeared on the Horizon and streaked across the sky, disappearing behind the opposite end of the horizon. Four loud booms were heard seconds later.
Twilight shoved through a crowd of ponies, searching for her brother. She found him dancing with his wife, Cadence.
“Twily!” he exclaimed. “Did you see that?”
“Yes, Shining. Those meteors landed in the tundra somewhere. Would you mind if we went and found them?”
“Sure” Shining turned to Cadence. “Stay here and rest, okay?”
Cadence nodded and trotted off to the castle.
Twilight gathered the Elements.
“Alright girls we are going to find those meteorites, anypony want to come?”
“Of course” they all responded. And so the pony’s put on parkas and marched off through the snow.
The four soldiers had been walking for three hours now, the sun was now just over the horizon, making the smallest of bumps in the ground cast a large shadow. Artyom looked at his compass, the needle was spinning all over the place, still trying to find a magnetic north. He was beginning to wonder if he was even heading south, but the rising sun at least gave him some sense of direction.
“I didn’t grab any food rations on the ship, what the hell are we supposed to eat?” complained Dima.
“We’ll find something sooner or later.” Replied Dmitry.
A couple of minutes passed, the only thing to look at was the bland, all white landscape. However there was a abnormality in the distance.
“Sir, there are seven silhouettes in the distance.” Announced Sasha. Artyom examined his surroundings, his eyes fell upon a ditch to their left.
“Get to cover,” he said.
The four jumped into the ditch and laid against the side of it. Atyom poked his head, he then unfolded the OSV-95’s bipod and rested it on the snow. He pressed his right eye against the rifle scope and shut his left.
At first the image was blurry; he could make out seven multi-coloured, small and long figures. He reached for a dial at the top of the rifle scope and turned it, focusing the image. The scope revealed seven small horses wearing what looked like a horse’s version of a parka. He noticed a strange object protruding from three of the horses head, he soon realized it was a horn. He quickly turned to his teammates.
“Guys, fucking unicorns!”
“Are you sure you didn’t hit your head on the way down?” joked Dmitry.
“Guise, srysly, take a look” He motioned to his sniper rifle.
Each of them took turns looking through the scope, their face faces turning from disbelief to shock.
“What do you want to do?”
“Get close to them”
“We’ve been walking for three hours and found nothing, can we please turn back, the snow is soaking through my boots!” whined Rarity.
“Just a little more...” begged Twilight.
The group had moved along an ice wall to protect themselves from the harsh wind, but staying in the shade of that thing made everypony colder. Nopony got sleep the night before, and once all the alcohol and sugar wore off they were miserable.
“What do you reckon we’d even find, Twi?” asked Applejack.
“We should turn back, I doubt anypony has the energy to go further.” Said Shining.
Twilight finally gave in, “Fine” she muttered.
The group turned around, only to spot four strange creatures approaching them. With nowhere to go the group backed up against the ice wall, they were cornered. The creatures were bipedal, wearing parkas with their face’s covered by masks and hoods, they also held strange metal objects in their hands and were obviously sentient. The creatures began to talk amongst themselves. Their language induced fear in the ponies, so guttural and savage, with each word making them sound angrier and angrier. Eventually, Twilight had enough. Her horn glowed and then turned into a blinding white light that lasted for a couple of seconds. When the light died down, the creatures had the metal objects pointed at them.
“WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?” one screamed.
“A translation spell” Twilight watched as the four creatures all recoiled in horror.
“You talk?!”
“Well, yeah” The four creatures started inching closer.
“Who are you?”
“I’m Twilight Sparkle, the element of magic”
“And ahm Applejack, the element of honesty”
“I’m Rarity, the element of generosity”
“I’m... Fluttershy... the element of kindness...”
“I’m Pinkie Pie, the element of laughter”
“I’m Rainbow Dash, the element of loyalty”
“And I’m Shinning Armor, captain of the royal guard, may I ask who you are”
Artyom glanced back at his men and shrugged.
“We are members of the Russian Vympel Unit, I am the commander of fire team crimson here. Sergeant Artyom, sniper, at your service.”
“I’m Corporal Dima, medic.”
“Private Dmitry, support gunner”
“Private Sasha, engineer”
Twilight smiled. “Great now what are you?”
“Humans, and you?”
“Ponies”
“If I may ask” interrupted Shinning, “what are those things your holding?”
Artyom swung his weapon to his left and fired. The 50 cal bullet impacted the ice wall five meters from Shinning’s head. The sound from the shot deafened the ponies as ice shards from the hole it made in the wall showered over them.
“WHAT THE HAY WAS THAT?” screamed the orange one as they stumbled backwards. The ponies shook their heads as the ringing stopped and their hearing came back. Their faces drained of blood as they saw the hole left in the wall.
“So”
Their eyes shifted from the hole and back to Artyom. “You said elements, what are those?”
“The most powerful magic in Equestria, what the hay was that.”
“Magic?”
“Yes, magic, what the hay was that!”
Artyom sighed, normally he would argue with her that magic doesn’t exist, but then again, he’d be arguing with a purple unicorn.
“That was a 50 cal round, shot from an OSV-95”
“Do all humans have that form of weaponry?”
“Yes, ranging from lower caliber, full auto weapons to highly destructive rocket launchers”
“OOOH what’s this?” interrupted Pinkie.
She was rolling a M67 grenade on the ground, rolling it to each of her front hooves.
“Is it some sort of ball game!?” she asked as she pulled the pin on the grenade.
Dima went into a full sprint and football tackled Pinkie Pie to the ground. Artyom quickly picked up the grenade and hurled it as far away as he could. It detonated a couple dozen meters away.
“What was that?” asked Rainbow Dash.
Dima got off of Pinkie, then answered the question. “That was an M67 fragmentation grenade. It’s quite simple to use, actually. Just pull the pin, wait three seconds, throw it at someone you don’t like, boom, instant explosion” “Wait, so if Pinkie didn’t move, she’d be...”
“Everywhere? Yes.” Dima said with a grin.
Dima was the living embodiment of 4chan, he could see dozens of kittens burning to death and still maintain that grin. Granted he’d still feel terrible about it, there was just something about him that made him smile at the most inappropriate of times. It wasn’t a happy grin either, it was a ‘rip out your skull and beat your new born baby to death with it’ grin. But I digress.
“Ooh, ooh, are we playing hoofball, I love hoofball!” screamed Pinkie, completely ignoring the fact she was nearly blown to bits.
“Is there a city or anything near here, I haven’t had anything to eat in ages” asked Sasha.
“Sure, there’s the crystal empire only a three hour walk from here” Shinning armour responded.
It had been two hours of walking, enduring the snow and ice and nonstop questions.
“So where’d you get those scars from, Dima?” Twilight asked.
“When I was in Georgia, I was captured and tortured for information by rebels. They took a red hot hunting knife and drove into my cheek then slashed it down my neck.”
“Oh...” Twilights face expressed one of shock and pity. “How’d you escape?”
“My hands where in shackles attached to the ceiling, but my legs weren’t bound at all. I kicked him in the balls and in his rage he knocked me unconscious. I awoke to their dead bodies and Artyom here unchaining me.”
Shinning Armour cringed at the balls part.
“I feel I should say this now, where omnivores” Sasha said.
The ponies backed away.
“Oh don’t be like that, I’m not going to eat you.” He said, his voice filled with annoyance.
“We, we can’t supply you meat.” Replied Twilight.
“We can supply ourselves”
Fluttershy suddenly filled with rage.
“YOU WILL NOT HURT INNOCENT CREATURES!” She screamed, with a voice that could rival the Canterlot voice. The timid pony’s sudden outburst caught the humans off guard, they were about to object when Applejack barged in.
“Ah have a cousin that runs a farm out near Trottingham, Ah’m sure she’ll be happy to send a critter or two over, that is, if you could rustle up the doe”
Crimson all nodded in agreement. “We could work something out”
Fluttershy was seething with rage, but kept it under control, not wanting to upset her orange friend.
The next five minutes held an awkward silence, until Rarity trotted over to Artyom.
“What is that fabric your wearing, it seems absolutely marvelous!” she said, staring at the shiny fabric that, even after its wear, still managed to sparkle.
“It’s made of a special thread, when an electrical current is applied to it, it crystallizes and forms a reflective surface, making it harder to spot me. Then it reverts back to normal”
“Ooh, where co-“ They were interrupted by a loud roar.
A large winged beast dove under the clouds, it began its descent towards the group.
“DRAGON!” Twilight screamed as her and her friends took off running.
The humans, however, stood in place.
“Dmitry” said Sasha. “This is why I brought my Javelin.”
Sasha slung the massive weapon over his shoulders. Luckily, a heat seeking missile was already loaded into it. He took aim, the heat of the dragon against a frozen background was more than enough for the missile to lock on to. Sasha began his battle cry.
“YOUR GONNA LEAVE THIS WORLD THE SAME WAY YOU ENTERED IT, THROUGH YOUR MOTHER’S VAGINAAAAA!”
He fired the missile, it quickly altered its course as it curved left and impacted the dragon’s side. There was a loud ‘boom’ as the explosion ripped apart its entire mid section. It’s remains fell to the ground as the surrounding area was covered in blood and chunks of meat.
The girls heard a massive explosion and quickly turned around. The dragon was laying on the ground, the only thing recognizable of it being its neck and tail. They approached the body cautiously, all of them were about to vomit, except for Dash. She pulled a camera out of her bag and snapped a photo, she was in complete shock at what happened.
“They killed it in seconds” she whispered.
She was broken from her trance when Crimson walked by.
“He’s dead as fuck, now let’s get going” Sasha said casually.
After another hour walk of awkward silence, the crystal empire came into view. The ponies were now much more uncomfortable around the alien’s, they never fully realized the full extent of their power until they killed the dragon. Even Celestia would of had problems with that beast.
The snow quickly disappeared as they entered the outskirts of the city.
“So, what do you think?” asked Shinning Armor.
“Meh, I’ve seen better” Dima responded.
“Like what?”
“I doubt that you’ve ever been to Vancouver, Canada.”
“Can’t say I have,”
They walked through the open field and into the city streets. The strange bipedal creatures caught everypony’s eye, some began to whisper among themselves while others simply stared. None of this fazed the group as they headed towards their destination, the castle.
The doors of the throne room swung open as Shinning and Twilight walked through. They were greated by Shinning’s wife, Cadence, and Twilight’s assistant, Spike.
“Oh honey, you’re home” said Cadence. “What did you fi-“ she began to slowly backup. “What did you... what did... what... wat?”
Artyom and his teammates could easily be seen as they towered over the ponies.
“This is princess Celestia and Luna, rulers of our country, please watch your language.”
“I’ll fucking try” Joked Dmitry.
Both the white and black alicorn began to the strange bipeds.
“What are you?” said the black one.
“I... I am a monument to all your sins” Dmitry answered in a sinister voice.
Celestia took a few steps back.
“Jesus’ left nut Dmitry, quit scaring them” said Artyom, stepping forward. “Sorry about that. We are human’s, fire team Crimson, Russian Vympel Unit to be exact. I’m Artyom, this is Sasha and Dima, I believe you’ve already met Dmitry”
Celestia nodded. “Very well, guards, show these uh... humans to their quarters. There will be much to discuss”
The guard nodded and motioned for the humans to follow him.
“Was it just me, or was that black one kind of cute?” Artyom said, earning him a thunk on the back of the head from Dima.
Artyom finally got all of his equipment off. He looked around the room, it was like a normal five star hotel, except with a smaller bed and no TV. Artyom opened his bag and took out his Xbox 360 and collapsible TV. Surprisingly, the ponies had electricity along with the same shaped power outlets. He wired up everything and then pulled the collapsible TV up. The thin rod turned into a 50” 3D TV.
There was a knock on the door. “Come in” answered Artyom.
Luna poked her head between the crack in the doors. “You’re the leader of your squad, correct?”
“Yes ma’am”
“What’s that?” she asked as she sat down on the bed. “It’s an xbox 360 console, our kind uses them for entertainment” He replied as he started up ‘Metro: Last Light’. Surprisingly, the xbox hadn’t red ringed yet (mine does when you look at it the wrong way.)
“Could I try my hoof at this?”
“By all means”
Artyom handed Luna the controller.
“COME AT ME YOU FUCKING DOUCHE CUNT, I’LL ANAL RAPE YOUR MOTHER!”
Artyom was amazed, it had been 30 seconds since Luna got the controller and was already charging head on into a pack of mutants screaming obscenities. She was born a gamer.
“So as I was saying, they then blasted me with the elements of harmony, and here I am”
“We tried to go to the moon once, fucking yanks beat us, however. But we beat them here.”
“So everyone on your ship died, well that’s sad”
Luna stood up. “I have to raise the moon, you should probably head to bed”
“I’ve been asleep for 42 years, I can handle a day without sleep”
Luna sat back down and continued playing. Artyom’s eyelids started to get heavy.
'Perhaps I should get some sleep’ he thought.
“On second thought, I will get some sleep. You can continue playing as long as you like, it won’t bother me” he said as he crawled into bed and shut his eyes.
He awoke to something soft against his skin, but he couldn’t make out what it was. His vision cleared to reveal him spooning with Luna, she must have crawled in with him. He didn’t mind, it has been a long time since he cuddled with anything. He dug his face into her soft fur and began to dose off.
“Mornin, Faggot” Artyom’s eyes shot open as Dmitry flung him out of bed and onto the floor.
“It’s time to talk to whatever the fuck her name was” He said, looming over Artyom.
Artyom stood up and walked with Dmitry, they split up to do the same to Dima and Sasha.
Sasha handled being flung out of bed quite well, while Dmitry emerged from Dima’s room with a black eye. After a brief laugh, they started off to the throne room.
There was a table set up in the middle of the throne room, where the seven ponies they first encountered sat along with the three princesses. The squad all took their seats, Artyom being opposite from Celestia.
“So, Artyom” she said. “Let’s start out by talking about your kinds military”
“Well, my country alone has over five million active personnel along with two million reserve personnel. We are outfitted like the average soldier. We also have a stockpile of WMDs” answered Artyom.
“WMDs?”
“Weapons of Mass Destruction, mainly nuclear missiles.” Artyom looked over to Luna. “That game you played, that was set in the aftermath of a nuclear missile attack. However, the mutations caused by the radiation wouldn’t go to that extent, the landscape would look like that though”
Celestia turned to her sister, “And what does that mean.”
“It means if one of those detonated here it would destroy the entire city and instantly vaporise anypony in it” she answered.
Celestia raised an eyebrow. “And how do you know this”
Luna blushed. “I visited him last night, he showed me this thing called an xbox 360. It’s like an interactive play, where you can kill ponies and die without any real consequences. In this case, I played a game set in the aftermath of a nuclear detonation, the land was scarred, the air un-breathable, and the survivors forced underground.”
Celestia nodded. “I must try this some time. Well then, let’s talk about your government”
Three hours later
“Alright, I guess that sums everything up. I am going to send you to Ponyville, along with the elements of harmony. We will set you up with housing, if you co-operate, we will pay you a monthly salary in exchange for services.”
Artyom raised an eyebrow. “Services?”
“We are on the brink of war with Grypha, a country populated by gryphons. If you agree, we will send you on covert operations in the country, your equipment and skill make you perfect for the job, also, nopony could claim you’re Equestrian spies.” Celestia responded.
Artyom nodded, “Very well”
“I will call down an air carriage for your departure”
They had been in flight for two hours now. Eveyone and pony was getting restless.
“Ooh, how about a song!” Pinkie pie shouted.
Twilight nodded and began to sing. “Love is in bloo-“, she was interrupted.
“DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY YOU’RE SO FUCKING SLOW AND FAT, WHAT DO YOU WEIGH HA-HA-HA YOU CAN’T FUCKING SING I’LL START A FUCKING FIGHT GET OUT OF MY WAY YOU FUCKING HO I’M DRIVING HERE TONIGHT JINGLE BELLS, GO TO HELL GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY OH WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE OVER BODIES EVERYDAY (HEY) JINGLE BELLS, GO TO HELL BITCH WHAT DID I SAY RUN THAT ASS CUZ YOU CANT HIDE FROM MY MOTHERFUCKING SLEIGH HEY”
Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down Now stay right there, cause I’ve fucking had it Now I’ll tell you all how I got on this planet
West Russia is where I trained Through sun, through snow, even if it rained Shoot outs, fragging, reloading all cool And learning to swim inside the pool When a couple of guys, who were incredibly smart Started making engines, state of the art My mom got old, and she died happily The general said “We’re sending you off planet cuz you got no more family”
There was a soldier looking at us, then he sat down Said his name was Bourbon, an obvious clown If anything I’d say that guy had downs But then everything went black, being frozen astounds
Woke from cryo, everything was covered in ice And yelled to Bourbon “I hate it when you’re right” Landed on the planet, this place seemed nice Then something crunched under my boot, “MORE FUCKING ICE”
The carriage landed on the outskirts of Ponyville. The ponies and humans stepped out of it as the guards pulling the carriage flew away.
“The fuck is this place” Asked Dmitry as he looked around. At least in the Crystal Kingdom the buildings seemed structurally possible, here they seemed impossible. He scanned the surrounding town, his face one of disgust.
“Well! Can I show you where you will be living?” Said Pinkie, obviously excited about showing somepony new around town.
“Well I guess” answered Artyom, who was slightly annoyed by Pinkies hyperactive personality.
They walked through the center of town, most of the ponies out at this time were heading for dinner or a drink. All, however, were completely terrified by the six foot tall giants.
“It’s just over here!” Pinkie squealed as they neared a large, wide, but still impossible structure. The entire frame of the building seemed to be slanted. They walked through the front door.
“Why the fuck are these doors so tall?” asked Sasha.
“Oh, they’re tall just in case a princess would need to fit through them” responded twilight.
The team stopped and examined the inside of the building. There were no support columns or load bearing walls, the place should have collapsed under its own weight. There was a kitchen in the right corner along with a couch in the left and a table in the middle.
“Your rooms are upstairs, the princess set a note to the mayor telling her make the rooms ready before hand.” Said Rarity.
Artyom waltzed over to the sofa and set his xbox up infront of it. He then proceeded upstairs, followed by the rest of the group. There were five rooms and each soldier picked one out. All agreed the one at the end of the hall is where they would store their equipment and weapons. Each room had a king sized bed big enough for the humans along with a closet, dresser, night stand and a bathroom.
After storing all their equipment the team headed back downstairs.
“Hey, mister Human, What’s this?” Asked Twilight who was pointing a hoof at his xbox.
“It’s an xbox 360, it creates a virtual world you can interact with. I guess, for you at least, you could say it’s like a book where you can see, hear and interact with the characters and world.”
Twilight’s eyes lit up at the thought. A book that you can live? Hell yes!
“May I try?”
“Why the fuck not?”
Artyom started up ‘Halo 4’ and watched as the lavender unicorn cheered with glee as the title screen came into view. After a brief introduction the first mission started up.
“Oh yeah, I forgot to mention” he said as Twilight tried her hoof at an assassination. “There is a LOT of killing in it”
Twilight was in complete shock. ‘I just killed it, I’m a murderer!’. Artyom saw this and attempted to comfort her.
“It’s just a game, it’s no different if your character kills someone... Er, pony, in a book”
Twilight understood this. They weren’t real, they were fictional, their species doesn’t even exist for Celestia’s sake. Once she got passed this she started seeing the appeal of something like this.
“This is kind of fun” she said as she punched a grunt square in the jaw. Fluttershy gasped.
“But those things are so cute!”
“I’m not tired yet” said Sasha from the kitchen “What do you want to do?” Artyom pondered the question for a while then turned to the ponies.
“Can we sample some of the night life?”
Three ponies and three humans walked down the abandoned streets of Ponyville. Pinkie and Fluttershy went home and Twilight and Dima decided to remain at the house.
“What is that horrid hat you’re wearing?” asked Rarity who was staring at Dmitry. He was wearing a fur hat with ear flaps and a crest with the old sickle and hammer.
“It’s a ushanka, it keeps my head warm” he answered, obviously annoyed at how he had to state the obvious.
“Oh, yes, by the way darlings, tomorrow I would like to make some new clothes for you!” said Rarity who was obviously excited by the new challenge. ‘ ”Ere we are” said AJ as they approached a building. ‘Two Fingers in Cider’ read a large neon sign. “Mah cousin runs this ere joint, he’ll hook us up with free cider, or whatever you please”
The humans nodded as they walked in to the bar. The inside was lit by nice, warm lights. It just so happened there were seven seats free by the bar. Everypony stopped what they were doing as they watched the strange creatures, accompanied by three of the elements, take a seat.
Sasha ordered a vodka, along with the other Russians. The stunned bartender placed three shot glasses on the table and took out three bottles of vodka, all of which were half the size of which the humans would deem normal. Completely ignoring the miniature shot glasses, they went directly for the bottle. Sasha, being the drunk fuck that he is, downed the whole bottle in ten seconds flat. He quickly ordered another one and turned to the rest of the group.
“If you told me before we left that I would be getting drunk with a bunch of fucking ponies, I probably would have shot you” He said to no one in particular.
The seventh seat beside AJ was taken by a stallion that was obviously hitting on her, but to no avail.
“So why don’t we head on back to my place so we can... you know” he said as he ran a hoof up AJ’s flank.
“Wow there partner, I’m not interested” replied AJ who was growing uncomfortable with the stallion.
“Oh come on, you know you want to” He got more aggressive as he pulled AJ into a tight embrace and would not let go. He then moved his muzzle closer to a struggling AJ as he prepared to kiss her.
“HEY, FAGGOT, SHE SAID NO!” The stallion was thrown from his bar stool and on to the ground. Sasha unleashed a savage kick to his right temple, knocking him unconscious. Sasha turned back to take a seat but was stopped.
“HEY ASSHOLE, WHO THE HAY DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?” Sasha spun around as nine pissed off stallions surrounded him. “SOMEPONY OBVIOUSLY HAS TO BEAT SOME SENSE INTO YOU!” barked one.
Sasha felt a heavy hand on his shoulder as Artyom and Dmitry both stood from their bar stools, coming to the aid of their comrade. Applejack and Rainbow Dash also came to his defense. Rarity decided to hang back and watch, not wanting to get her hooves dirty. Sasha took a step towards the group of stallions.
“You want a fight?” he said as he cracked his knuckles and neck. “Come and get one!”
The stallions charged.
Chapter 5: F is for fire that burns down the whole town
The humans were at an advantage, being stronger, faster, bigger and more agile than their assailants. On the other hand, hooves hurt like shit.
The ring leader of the stallions, a unicorn, charged towards Sasha with a battle cry. Sasha stepped to his left and kicked the stallion in the ribs as he passed by. He crumpled to the ground holding his cracked ribs, the other stallions took this as their cue to charge. Artyom grabbed the closest stallion by the front hooves and swung him around, he then used him as a battle axe, smashing him into a nearby stallion. Dmitry grabbed a stallion and flung him into a pillar, both the wooden pillar and the pony’s spine snapped in two. Rainbow held a stallion down as AJ bucked him in the stomach.
“Five down, four to go” said Dmitry as the four ponies prepared for a second charge.
Three of the four ponies barreled towards the humans. Artyom looked at his comrades and nodded, they knew what to do. Without a word the three humans all charged up a powerful kick and released it once their target was in range. The boots collided with the ponies’ jaws, shattering them like glass and causing their brain to ricochet in their skulls, knocking them out cold.
The last pony, the one that didn’t charge, was a unicorn and stood at the opposite end of the room. His horn started to glow as he charged up a beam of pure magical energy, with an obvious intent to kill. Sasha quickly turned towards the bar and grabbed a bottle of vodka, he the flung it at the pony. The beam was fully charged as the pony fired it. But, instead of colliding with the soft flesh of the human, it collided with a bottle of vodka inches from his face. The bottle shattered, sending glass shards into his face and the vodka ignited, setting him on fire.
“OH FUCK” Sasha yelled as the unicorn was engulfed in flames. “WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO”
The stallion collapsed on the ground screaming. The ponies and humans had no idea what to do, until RD had a brilliant Idea. She rushed over to the bar, grabbing a glass of clear liquid which what she assumed was water. She then rushed over to the stallion and dumped it on him.
“NO, DON’T USE THAT” The bartender screamed as the alcohol being dumped on the burning stallion only fueled the flames even more.
Artyom’s natural instincts as a leader kicked in.
“Rarity, levitate him outside. Rainbow Dash, prep a rain cloud” He ordered.
The ponies nodded and sprang into action. Rarity levitated the burning pony outside of the bar as Rainbow set a rain cloud just above him. She then proceeded to jump on it, causing the rain cloud do dump its load all over the stallion, extinguishing the flames.
“What the fuck do we do now?” asked Dmitry, staring at the unconscious pony with third degree burns all over his body.
Rainbow was about to say something when a blinding light appeared infront of them. When the light finally faded both of the princesses were standing there.
“WHAT THE BUCK IS THIS?” screamed Celestia.
“Hi, Artyom” said Luna, waving a hoof at Artyom. Ignoring her sister, Celestia continued to speak.
“What have you done to my little ponies?! I should kill you!” Artyom looked into the sun goddesses’ eyes and saw no anger, but fear.
“Calm down, we don’t mean your kind any harm. We were simply protecting Applejack from a stallion that got a little to aggressive” said Artyom. Celestia looked to the element of honesty.
“Is this true”
“Eeyup” answered Applejack, sounding exactly like her brother. Celestia turned back to Artyom.
“Very well, I’m not entirely sure why you lit him on fire, but you did put him out, showing you didn’t want to kill him. Return to your home and stay there. After tonight I doubt anypony would be fond of you” Celestia turned to the burned stallion. “I will take him and the rest to the hospital. I will also question the others to piece together what exactly happened here” With that Celestia and the stallion teleported away, leaving the group and Luna behind.
“Hey, Artyom?” asked Luna.
“Yeah?”
“Can I come back to your place?”
Seven figures burst through the doors of the humans’ house, laughing. They were met by Twilight Sparkle balling her eyes out and Dima laughing his ass off, presumably at the fact Twilight was crying.
“What happened, Twi?” asked AJ.
“She got to the end of halo 4 and is so fucking depressed by the ending, oh god!” Dima said as he totally fucking lost it.
“In speaking of which” Luna trotted over to the xbox. “May I?”
Artyom nodded as Luna started to play.
“They should start mass producing these things... The fuck happened to you guys?” asked Dima, pointing to the cuts and scratches on his buddies’ faces.
“Oh, bar fight” answered Sasha.
“Did you win?”
“Obviously”
“How many?”
“Nine”
“How bad are their injuries?”
“Couple of broken bones, one broken spine, I set a dude on fire”
Dima burst out laughing. “You set a dude on fucking FIRE? Oh my god, and in a bar fight, is he dead?”
“No, but Celestia is royally pissed at us”
Artyom put a hand on Sasha’s shoulder as he shoved pass.
“Well, I’m going to bed, anybody else?”
The rest of the team shrugged and began climbing up the stairs, they could use some sleep. Artyom stuck his head around the corner of the staircase and stared at Luna.
“I’m going to bed, I trust you won’t break anything.”
Luna nodded.
“Great, because we set a pony on fire today, you do not want to see us when we’re pissed off” Artyom joked.
Luna giggled and wished him good night. Artyom crawled into bed and started to recall the events that had unfolded in the last two days. Thinking he was in a dream, Artyom punched himself in the face. He didn’t wake up. He smiled, he was okay with this being his reality. He closed his eyes and fell asleep.
Artyom awoke to something soft against his skin, but he couldn’t make out what it was. His vision cleared to reveal him spooning with Luna, she must have crawled in with him. He didn’t mind, it has been a long time since he cuddled with anything. He dug his face into her soft fur and said.
“Again?”
“Sorry, there was no place to sleep, and you seemed so friendly, I didn’t think you’d mind…” Luna replied as her facial expression changed to sadness, realising she was probably about to be kicked out.
“I don’t”
“What?”
“It has been a while since I’ve had a real friend”
“What about Dima, Sasha and Dmitry?”
“They’re not friends, they are brothers. We live together, drink together, laugh together and fight together, they are the only family I’ve ever known and I would happily die for them. But is has been so long since I’ve had a casual friend, someone just to drink with or play video games. Something less... Serious. I’m always up for something new, someone new.”
Luna smiled and nuzzled the underside of his chin. She then shuffled close to him and wrapped her forehooves around him in a gentle embrace.
“It’s been a while since I had a friend too”
“Guys! Quick!” yelled Rainbow Dash as she burst through the door of the humans’ house.
“What is it?” asked Artyom, turning away from his video game.
“Trixie has returned, she banished Twilight, put a force field around Ponyville and has started enslaving ponies!”
“Who the fuck is Trixie?”
“Old rival, it doesn’t matter, quickly grab your weapons and follow me!”
The humans nodded and armed up, Artyom turned to Luna as they headed out.
“You keep on playing, I doubt this will be much of a challenge.”
Luna nodded as the team set out.
Everypony on the street kept their distance, some gave them angry looks or even insulted them. Most likely, this was from how they destroyed those nine stallions last night, landing two in critical condition with a broken spine and third degree burns.
After a good ten minutes of walking they found town hall, with the mayor caged outside. Dima walked over to the caged mare and kicked the barred door open. The mayor slowly walked out and addressed her rescuers.
“Thank you, she’s in there” she pointed a hoof towards town hall. Dima nodded and turned back to his comrades. He motioned his head towards the building and joined them as they approached the front door.
They all stacked up beside the double doors.
Artyom looked at the old wooden door and turned to Dima, who was at the opposite door.
“Fuck subtlety” he said as he motioned to the door. The two soldiers both simultaneously kicked in the wooden door, sending them lying off of their old, loose hinges.
Trixie was busy sitting on her throne, commanding her slaves. A large crack got her attention as she saw the two wooden doors smash on the floor and four strange creatures pile through the empty door frame.
“Well well well” she said, standing from her throne. “A challenge for the great and powerful Trixie?”
Trixie fired a bolt of magic into the nearest biped, causing him to fall on one knee and grunt in pain.
Artyom stood up, the magical blast didn’t deter him, it only served to piss him off.
“Hey Bitch!” he yelled. “Let’s test your reflexes” Artyom un-slung his OSV-96, aimed at Trixie’s neck and fired. The bullet impacted the weird necklace she was wearing, causing it to burst into a blinding red light and shatter into pieces.
Trixie started to recollect herself, what had she done! She started to inspect herself, but she was interrupted.
“Hmmm, seemed ineffective” said Artyom as he fired another shot into Trixie’s leg, causing it to burst into bits and paint the wall red. The five elements of harmony that were watching screamed.
Dima casually walked towards Trixie and picked her up, he then turned to the ponies.
“Is there a hospital nearby?”
“Ah’ll show ya” answered Applejack.
Dima nodded and the Humans followed the group of ponies. Dmitry was left to tend to Rarity, who was growing woozy of the blood.
“What usually helps you in situations like this?” he asked.
“A drink”
It had been a good hour of drinking and both Dmitry and Rarity were thoroughly drunk. After they defeated Trixie the locals started to warm up to them.
“So it’s basically a world that doesn’t exist, yet you can interact with it?” said Rarity.
“Yeah” Dmitry said. “Hey you wanna head back to my place and... you know...”
“I’d thought you never ask”
“GIVE IT TO ME, GIVE IT TO ME NOW!” Rarity screamed. “I WANT IT SO BAD, PLEASE!”
They were busy playing Club Penguin and Rarity was eyeing a dress she really wanted in the shop. Artyom had two laptops packed away with his xbox, they were able to get wifi from the orbiting ship, letting them play together (and get internet from 42 years ago). Dmitry showed her how to buy Items in the game, and she thanked him.
“Thanks for letting me play this, it’s been fun”
“You’re welcome, I’m glad you’re having fun” Dmitry and Rarity smiled, they then pulled each other together and locked lips.
Rarity climbed out of bed and looked at Dmitry, who was still laying on the bed.
“Hey, don’t mention it to my...” she was interrupted.
“Your friends? I was just about to ask the same thing”
Rarity nodded as Dmitry stood up and got changed. They both walked downstairs and sat on the sofa as the rest of the group came in. After they delivered Trixie to the hospital and gave them a brief explanation o what happened, they set off to find Twilight in the Everfree forest. They found her in Zecora’s hut along with Shinning Armor and Cadance, who came to comfort her.
Shinning sat down on a sofa, followed by his wife. Zecora sat at the table beside Dima, still asking him questions about his kind’s medicine. The rest took a seat where ever they could find it.
“Did I ever tell you about that time me and my wife here repelled an invasion all by ourselves?” said Shinning.
“No”
“Ooh, I guess it would be better to show you, Twilight, if you may”
Twilight pressed her horn against her brother’s head and cast a spell. A large projection appeared on the wall, showing the events of the Canterlot wedding.
Shinning looked over to Artyom. “So what do you think?”
“WHAT DO I THINK!” Artyom fumed. “WHAT THE FUCK DO I THINK??”
A lot of American soldiers get fucked up, just thought I should warn you
Artyom was consumed with anger, these ponies new nothing of sacrifice!
“Let me show you a REAL invasion” he said angrily. He pulled out a USB out of his backpack and inserted it into the base of the TV. He then selected a video to play and pressed pause as it started to play. He gave a quick explanation of what was happening.
“In 2041 Georgian rebels stormed the capital of Tbilisi. They were aided by the American forces. A large Russian battalion was tasked with helping the Georgian military repel the attack. This is a video from my helmet cam of me and my comrades fighting off the attack.”
He presses play as the ponies watched intently. The video wasn’t translated, so the ponies hadn’t had a clue what they were saying.
Artyom, Dima, Sasha and Dmitry sprinted down a ruined street. Artyom looked up to see two missiles impact a skyscraper a little ways infront of him.
“Get down!” Artyom screamed as a large chunk of class and steel impacted the street, followed by many other. The team quickly shifted their gaze to a abandoned super market to the left and ran in as the street was crushed under the rubble.
“Status?” asked Artyom, who was sitting against a bin of bananas.
“Artillery units on the far side of the reservoir are shelling our defenses and long range cruise missiles from American subs positioned in the Caspian Sea are crippling the buildings around us!” Sasha screamed over the sounds of explosions.
“Air support?”
“A long range jammer within the city is playing hell with our instruments, our ground forces are disoriented and our birds are blind!”
Artyom popped his head out of a window, scanning the burning skyline. Three blocks away from his position he spotted a large skyscraper, un-touched from artillery fire and with a strange tower on top. This was the best bet for the jammers location.
“All right, there is an undamaged building three blocks from our position, that’s the best bet for the location of the jammer”
The squad nodded. Three large clangs from within the super market caught their attention. They got low and used the isles for cover. They had rounded isle number nine, only to find the source of the noise.
Four rebels were looting the place.
“What the fuck are they looking for?” whispered Dmitry.
“A snack” answered Dima.
“Pick your targets, we fire on my mark” Artyom ordered.
“Mark!”
Each member of the squad jumped out of cover and unleashed a hail of death towards their targets. Unfortunately, Dmitry and Sasha had picked out the same target, leaving one unattended to and still very much alive.
“He’s mine!” Dima yelled as he began to sprint across the row of cooled bins that separated the two walls of freezers on either side. The rebel, finally registering what had just happened, swung his head in the direction of the attackers, laying his eyes upon Dima charging towards him.
“Don’t make me fire in your general direction with my eyes closed!” he yelled desperately. Undeterred, Dima continued his sprint, squashing the frozen meat under his boots as he ran.
The rebel held his M249 at his hips and opened fire, underestimating the recoil. Bullets flew by Dima, smashing the glass of the freezers or ricocheting off of the bins he was standing on. None, however, hitting their mark.
As the rebel fired uncontrollably, Dima had made it to the end of the bins. He launched himself off the edge of the bin with his right foot and began to execute a back flip. Mid-flip, Dima grabbed ahold of his hatchet and flung it at his enemy. Dima landed safely on his feet as the hatchet imbedded itself in the soft tissue of the rebel’s throat. He gurgled as he fell to the ground, still reaching for the handle of the hatchet in a feeble attempted to save his life. Thankfully Dima removed the hatchet for him and began walking back to his comrades.
“When the only way to kill a terrorist is with a backflipping hatchet attack” he said.
“What is it those Americans say about us, uh ‘Spetsnaz: like ninjas, only with assault rifles” replied Artyom.
The team had moved from the supermarket to the streets.
“The building is just up ahead” Artyom yelled over the sound of an Apache flying overhead.
A large clanking sound was heard as a shell flew in between Sasha and Dmitry. “TANK!” they both yelled in unison.
The team ran around the corner of a building before the tank could reload its main gun. Dmitry, however, chose to take cover in a trench just infront of the tank. The tank started to move over the trench, unaware of the Russian below them. Dmitry planted a single C4 charge on the un-armored belly of the tank.
The Abrams tank had rounded the corner and took aim at the Russians that were trapped in the alley way. Artyom thought this was it, that he would die with his brothers, but where was Dmitry?
A large explosion was heard, Artyom thought it was the tank firing its cannon, but was proved wrong when he looked up.
The tank was ablaze and its occupants were attempting to climb out of the hatch. Dmitry, as casually as ever, strolled up to the tank and readied his weapon. The first American soldier flung the hatch open and stuck his head out, only to be cut down. The second suffered the same fate. Dmitry turned his back to the tank and began to walk towards his comrades. Behind him the third occupant began to make his way out, the munitions the tank was carrying caught fire and exploded as he was half way out. Dmitry struck a pose as he slowly walked away from the explosion.
“Shall we?” he smiled.
The team made their way to the tower. Three American soldiers were in the lobby.
“I have an Idea. Artyom, Dmitry, Dima, set up in the general store across the street.” Said Sasha. The team obliged.
“Hey assholes!” Sasha yelled in English from his hiding place. The soldiers all raised their M16’s and approached the entrance. “What’s dead, dead and dead all over?” A soldier decided to play along.
“What?!”
“You” the three soldiers were mowed down by Dmitry’s LMG.
The four entered the elevator and selected the top floor.
The elevator arrived at its destination, eight American soldiers were waiting outside. Anticipating this, Dima repeatedly pressed the close door button, keeping it closed. Sasha unslung his RPG, crouched down and pointed it at the doors. When he was ready Dima hit the open door button and when he crack between the two doors was wide enough he fired. Before the Americans could even identify them as hostile they were met by a rocket. Unable to react quick enough, all of them perished as the rocket detonated and part of the floor collapsed under them.
The team avoided the hole in the floor and stepped over the mangled bodies. Sasha turned to his right and kicked in a door labeled ‘Staircase’. They sprinted up the staircase and reached the roof, which was one floor above them. Artyom stuck his hand out to block the sun that was blinding his eyes. A black hawk with a damaged tail section spun out of control over head, it then lisped violently and skidded along the elevated section of the roof, coming to a halt fifteen meters from the jammer. While the guards were distracted, helping the pilot out of the cockpit, Artyom saw his chance to move.
“Up the stairs, now!” he whispered. “Go while they’re distracted” They climbed there stairs and took cover behind some AC units successfully, without being noticed. Artyom had a chance to do a battle assessment. Eight soldiers were dug in behind sandbags at the base of the jammer. There was a large coverless expanse, until you hit helicopter, which had four soldiers helping the pilots out. Artyom turned to his comrades.
“Alright, Dima, on my mark I want you to chuck a grenade into the middle of the group. Sasha, you like blowing shit up, the mini-gun in that black hawk still looks operational, I want you to man it and unleash hell on them. The rest of us will take cover behind the chopper until you deal with them”
They all nodded in agreement as they took their positions.
“Mark” Artyom whispered.
Sasha booked it for the chopper. An American soldier turned to him and raised his weapon.
“Hey!” he yelled as he opened fire. A bullet hit Sasha in the shoulder and grazed his arm. The marine only got off two shots before something hit him in the head. He looked to the ground to identify the object, it was a small metal sphere, it almost looked like a... The grenade exploded, killing the four soldiers and wounding the two pilots. Sasha climbed into the gun and opened fire at the base of the jammer. It wasn’t long before the guards were either dead or injured.
“Sasha, disable it” Artyom ordered. Sasha obeyed and ran off to the jammer.
Two minutes had past, Artyom thought Sasha was going to cut a few wires, so naturally he was surprised to find him running.
“Where the fuck are you going?”
“C4 yourself”
The base of the tower blew out and the structure bent as the support cables snapped. With a deafening sound it hit the ground. Their radios came to life with a thousand voices as seven SU-45 Flankers screamed over head. The entire opposite side of the reservoir lit up in flames as dozens of air to ground missiles bombarded the encampment.
The squad was back on the streets, cleaning up the remaining rebel forces.
“I gotta take a piss” said Dima.
“Go in there, we’ll wait here” Said Artyom, motioning to an alley way.
Dima unzipped his fly and relieved himself. The feeling was cut short however when the butt of a gun collided with the back of his head, knocking him unconscious.
“Hey, what’s taking so long?” asked Artyom as he peered into the alley. He was met by four rebels dragging Dima to a vehicle. “OH SHIT” Artyom raised his AK47 and fired at the rebels. A bullet impacted ones head, killing him instantly and another shattered the others knee cap. The other two, however, dragged Dima into the vehicle and drove off. Artyom drew his knife and walked over to the injured rebel. He crouched down.
“Where is Dima?” he asked as he ran the blade down the rebels cheek. Artyom turned off his helmet cam, not wanting any evidence of what he was about to do.
Thanks to my fucked up friend J that came up with this idea
“THAT is an invasion! We didn’t use any fucking childish bullshit to secure victory. We had to kill to win and you think that little stunt makes you a hero? I’d like to see you last an hour in an actual invasion” said Artyom, who was obviously pissed.
“Holy... God...” is all Shinning had to say. “Is that really how your kind wages war?”
Artyom nodded “You should have seen world war two”
“World... war... two” Shinning gulped. “I’m guessing the name is self explanatory.”
Artyom nodded once again. “The entire reason we’re so advanced is because of war. We seek knowledge, explore our surroundings, pour millions of dollars into research all to find more efficient ways to kill another. We are a testament to that, we are the world’s most elite killers”
“I guess Celestia was right about your abilities as spies. Cadence, dear, it’s getting late, I’d rather we not miss the last train to Canterlot” Shinning and his wife turned to leave, but was stopped by Dima. He handed Shinning a magazine from each of their weapons.
“Can you replicate these?”
“I’ll see what I can do” And they left for the train station.
“Hey, Artyom?”
“Yes Luna?”
“Mind if I stay the night?”
Artyom smiled. “Of course.”
Artyom woke up. He was slightly startled to find Luna staring him in the eyes not an inch away from his face.
“Did you know I can enter people’s dreams?” she said. Artyom just raised an eyebrow. “And I honestly didn’t know you thought of me like that.”
Artyom blushed and started to stutter. Luna giggled. “Look at you, big badass reduced to mush by a simple pony. If you want to know, the feeling is mutual”
Artyom smiled and kissed her. “It’s been a while”
“Likewise”
Artyom was busy making breakfast for Luna. “So when did you start having feelings for me?” he asked her.
“When I was playing your xbox the first time I met you. I kind of thought you were cute.”
“So that’s why you climbed in with me?”
“I thought I could get away with it, it was a good excuse. May I ask when you first had feelings for me?”
“When I first saw you, I also thought you were cute.”
“So that’s why you let me climb in with you?”
“Yeah”
Luna and Artyom giggled as the rest of Crimson came down the stairs. They each happily took a peice of bacon Artyom had finished frying.
“Thanks, mom!” said Dmitry as he headed out the door.
“Where the fuck is he going?” asked Artyom.
“Rarity invited him for ‘tea time’ or some shit.” answered Dima.
“Why in all hell would he go to that?”
“I doubt it’s the tea he’s going for”
Four hours had passed and the team, along with the princess were eating lunch.
“How do you eat that?” asked Luna as he ate a bacon sandwich. He shrugged and held it out in front of her, inviting her to take a bite. Cautiously, Luna leaned in and took a bite, her body started shaking and she let out a gasp as she had an orgasm.
“That food is incredible! Never in all my years have I tasted such eloquence!”
Artyom chuckled. “Bacon is the food of the gods”
“Hey guys!” Dmitry yelled s he burst through the doors. “I was talking with Rarity about the forest, she mentioned all the different kinds of animals that inhabit it. One of the creatures she mentioned was a manticore! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
They all looked at each other and then back to Dmitry. “Let the hunt begin”
“Where the fuck is the manticore!” yelled Sasha.
They have been searching for the beast for over two hours and nothing had come up.
“Maybe it- AHHHHHH!” Artyom accidentally stumbled into a large hole in the ground.
“Oh, shit” said Dima, looking at the 30 degree vertical drop. “Are you alright?”
“I think so”
“Stay here, we are going to get help!”
“Where the fuck am I going to go!”
Great four hours all alone! Artyom thought.
Hour One:
It’s been about an hour down here. My canteen is almost empty, and I’m all out of tic-tacs. There seems to be some cabbage heads down here, but fuck that shit, I’d rather starve than eat that. I’ve made three attempts to scale the walls of what appears to be the asshole of the world. Funny, if I’m in the asshole of the world, does that mean I’m a piece of shit? Or maybe a world of shit. But this is one asshole that did not prepare its anus.
Hour Two:
My canteen has been empty for half an hour now... A pony stopped by a while ago. I called out to him, but he didn’t hear me. He did, however, pour water over the edge of the hole. The water had a strange yellow colour, was warmer than usual and tasted weird, but that’s just my mind playing tricks on me, right?
I’ve built a city out of dirt for the dung beatles, just to pass the time. There seems to be a civil war going on. The smaller, weaker ones seem to be rising up against their larger oppressors. What they lack in strength they more than make up for in numbers and speed. I call the smaller ones ‘Stormcloaks’ and the larger ones ‘Imperials’. I count eight casualties on the imperial side and rising, casualties on the stormcloak side seems infinite, but their reinforcements seem unlimited. The larger ones seem to have resorted to flyin- OH PISS! OH SHIT! ITS COMING RIGHT FOR ME! HOLY HELL!
Hour Three:
One of the fuckers took flight and headed straight for me. It was probably one of the scariest moments of my life. Its mandibles were large as fuck. But it was no match for my 50cal sniper rifle. Fucker never saw it coming. I resorted to lighting the whole city on fire. I enjoyed watching them burn and hearing them scream. The city is now ash, I fucking won.
Hour Four:
I’ve lost track of time. I think I’ve been down here for eight days, a week minimum. I’m starting to have hallucinations of Ponyville, what would I give to be back there. I wonder if they forgot me, I would probably look a lot different when I return, a full on beard, long hair and stick thin. Oh God, I’d look like a hippy, the very thing I thought was the source of all evil in the world. Stupid fucking hole and its vertical drops. Wait, what was that?
Dima, Sasha, Dmitry and Twilight all walked towards the hole Artyom was in.
“He’s in there” said Dima.
Twilight looked over the edge of the hole to find Artyom sitting on the bottom. An orange parasprite flew down and hovered in front of Artyom’s face.
“Huh?” he said. “A floating orange! Hahahaha!” Artyom chomped down on the small creature. In one bite it was gone, stuffed in Artyom’s mouth. He then began to chew, then swallow. “Ah, a little crunchier than I remember, but oh so satisfying”
Twilight rolled her eyes and teleported Artyom back up to the surface.
“AH!” he screamed. “Oh, it’s just you guys” Dima and Sasha glanced at each other, amused by their crazed comrade.
“Hey, Artyom!” said Dmitry as he slapped Artyom o the shoulder. “Let’s go home and get us some bacon”
“Okay, Artyom, hide in hear until I come to get you,” said Zhenya, Artyom’s father, as he shoved his son into a cabinet. Confused by what his father was doing, Artyom asked.
“Like hide and seek?”
Zhenya smiled a bit. “Yeah, just like hide and seek. If you win we’ll go and get ice-cream, but if you come out, you lose and we won’t get ice-cream.” Artyom’s favourite dessert was ice-cream, this would most certainly get him to stay.
Zhenya shut the cabinet doors and stood up. A large bang came from the downstairs mud room. Artyom peeked through the crack in the cabinet door. He could see his dad’s muscular legs, standing in the middle of the kitchen. Another set of legs entered the kitchen, these ones wearing torn jeans and not as muscular. A voice different from his father’s began to speak.
“What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. I am contacted my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP was traced right here, so you better have prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little ‘clever’ comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.”
“It’s Guerilla, not gorilla you fucking dumbass”
A large bang rang out as Zhenya fell to the ground, clutching his stomach. The second pair of legs turned and walked towards the cabinet Artyom was hidden in. Luckily, he didn’t look n the cabinet. Unfortunately, he turned around to reveal a bottle of vodka.
The legs walked out of Artyom’s view and into the living room. The man began to poor the vodka all over the sofa. He then took a match from the fireplace mantle, lit it, then threw it on the couch, igniting the alcohol. He then walked over to Zhenya, who was crawling towards the cabinet, leaned in and whispered.
“Burn” and then he left.
As the raging fire got larger, so did Zhenya’s desperation. He flung open the cabinet doors and grabbed Artyom. The fire was getting dangerously close and the heat was beginning to singe Zhenya’s beard. He had to get out of there, now.
With all his might, Zhenya began to get on his feet, his gunshot wound screaming in agony as he did. With Artyom in one arm, and his stomach in the other, Zhenya began to limp towards the hallway. He turned right, as the kitchen was completely consumed with fire. It was only ten feet from the kitchen to the staircase, but Zhenya was making agonizingly slow time. Finally, he reached the stairs landing, the fire now halfway down the hallway, and he began to limp down. Going down the stairs was easier than he expected, but was still a challenge.
Approaching the end of the stairs, Zhenya assumed there to be more stairs then there actually was. His foot collided with the shallower floor instead of a deeper step, throwing him off balance. Re-aligning his centre of gravity, he made for the door.
Zhenya collapsed on the grass, then laid his son beside him. Sirens became apparent in the distance. He ra his hand through Artyom’s hair and smiled.
“How about that ice cream?”
Then he went limp.
Artyom was pulled into a hug by his mother as he arrived at her house. He never liked his mother much, and with good reason. His father never needed to pay child support, but he did anyways, but instead of that money going towards Artyom’s upbringing, it went towards shopping and spa trips. And to top it off, his mother’s boyfriend was a complete asshole and would even beat him when she wasn’t around.
He wasn’t fond of the idea of having to stay at his mother’s house, but it was better than an orphanage or foster home he guessed. All his father’s possessions burned down with the fire, and the only thing left to remember him with was the Xbox, a retro console that his dad played when he was young.
Artyom awoke from the dream in a cold sweat. He rolled over and wrapped his arms around Luna’s stomach and rested his cheek on hers. She let out a small moan as he began to spoon with her.
His first op into Gryphon territory was in a few weeks time and he needed to be ready. He couldn’t let these dreams get the best of him. Luna stirred and turned to face him.
“Trouble sleeping?” she asked.
“Yeah”
“What’s the matter?”
“Just memories”
“Would you like to talk about them?”
“I’ll tell you when I am ready” he said as he turned and fell asleep.
This chapter is brought to you by Fleshlight. Fleshlight, go fuck yourself
“Got anything yet?” Dima asked, staring at the fishing pole that was attatched to the side of the boat.
“Nope,” replied three voices, all of them filled with boredom.
“How do people find this relaxing, or exciting for that matter?” said Artyom. Even though he was a sniper, Artyom had little patience.
“All in dear time,” groaned Sasha as he downed a beer.
As if on cue, Dima’s fishing rod started to bend and was then suddenly pulled into an arch as something big heaved on the string. Dima grabbed the rod and removed it from its stand. He lifted the rod high in the air, then lowered it, reeling in some line as he did this, but the hooked fish only fought harder to escape. The three other ‘fishermen’ rushed to the aid of their comrade, who was now struggling to keep hold of the rod, let alone reel it in. They all grabbed hold of a portion of the rod and began to pull with all their might.
“Fuck off! Let go!” Dima yelled angrily. The three let go, leaving their medic to do battle with the ferocious beast. Dima put a foot on the edge of the boat as he began to overpower the creature. He started to yell as he overworked his muscles, trying to pull his catch onto the boat. “Do... You... Even... Lift!” He yelled out as he gave one massive pull and the beast burst out of the water and into the boat.
“HOLY FUCK!” Dmitry yelled as he examined what was on the hook. There was a small salmon on the line, but, attempting to eat the salmon was a massive, human sized Humboldt squid. The behemoth of a cephalopod moved its tentacle up Dmtry’s legs as he screamed, “Shoot it!” Artyom quickly pulled out his side arm and shot the squid in its head, bulb, thing.
“Did I just catch the fucking kraken!?” Dima shouted, as Dmitry curled up into the fetal position.
“Well, doesn’t look like we’re going to beat that,” said Artyom, as he walked towards the boat’s healm. “Let’s head home.”
“Aah! Oh my... where am I?” came a soft voice, one that belonged to a butter yellow Pegasus. Fluttershy observed her surroundings, she was in a body of water with no land in sight. “Anypony out there?” she called, no reply. She attempted to take to the skies, only to find her wings would not flap. Nervous and scared, she started to swim, slowly, not entirely sure which direction she was heading.
After a minute or two, she felt something tug at her hind leg. It wasn’t gentle, nor was it aggressive, it was rather a forceful tug. She felt it crawl slowly up her leg as she craned her head in an attempt to see the anomaly.
Slowly snaking up her leg, was a tentacle. Fluttershy was frozen with fear and could only watch as the tentacle approached its destination. It curled up behind her leg, between her flanks and straight into her bu...
“Ahh!” Dmitry yelled as he launched himself from his position on the ground. He looked around to find not a squid, but four friends staring at him.
“Oh... my. Are you okay?” Fluttershy asked, with concern in her voice.
“Yeah, fine,” Dmitry looked around the bar. “What happened?”
“Would you, perhaps, be allergic to this ‘kalamari’ darling?” asked Rarity.
“Never had the stuff, so I don’t know.”
“Well, you took one bite, then a few minutes later, you collapsed.”
“And you didn’t think to call a damn doctor?”
“No need,” Dima interrupted. “I checked you over, you were fine.”
Dmitry was about to say something when Sasha interrupted. “Holy shit. Look.”
The entire group followed his gaze until they fell upon a bandaged pony with severe burns and a few familiar stallions.
“Is that?” Rarity asked disbelievingly.
“The fucker I lit on fire, and his runts.” Sasha replied.
Dmitry looked around the group. “Say, where’s Artyom?”
“He’s back home, demonstrating our weapons to Shinning Armor,” answered Dima.
“I don’t feel too well, I’m heading back”
“We’ll come with, we don’t want to cause a ruckass,” Sasha said as he exited the building, stealing a glance at mister third degree burns.
“So the ammunition works perfectly with the weapon, thanks.” Artyom said as he grabbed magazines from Shinning.
“You’re welcome,” he replied. “Out of curiosity, could I try firing it with my magic?”
Artyom shrugged “Sure, just remember everything I should you. And ONLY one shot.”
Artyom handed the gun over just as the group arrived back from the bar. “How was it?”
“Horrible,” Dmitry muttered as he ran to the bathroom.
“Huh. Shinning is just about to test out the weapon, you’re welcome to watch.”
They all shrugged and gathered around the white unicorn. Shinning pointed the gun at a bale of hay as he bit his lip and pulled the trigger.
The gun rocketed out of his magical grip and smacked into the stone wall behind him. “Celestia damn it!” He yelled. “I can load, aim, fire, do everything! I just can’t handle the sudden explosive force! Nopony can!”
Sasha stared at the rifle with a quizzical look. He leaned back to look into the kitchen, revealing Twilight having tea with Rainbow, Pinkie, Applejack and the new arrivals. “Hey, Pinkie Pie! Got any gas canisters laying around? I have an idea.”
While the rest of the group continued their conversation, Twiight began to talk to her elder brother.
“Are you staying for the meteor shower tomorrow?”
“Sorry, Twi, I have to get back to the crystal empire”
“Oh... okay” Twilight’s face soured. “See you soon.”
The crowd let out a gasp as a large meteor streaked overhead. They were camped out at a small hill just outside of ponyville.
“OOH!, What’s that?!” Pinkie squealed, pointing to an incredibly slow moving meteor.
“That’s our ship, orbiting the planet,” chimed in Artyom.
The show of spectacular lights carried on for half an hour, until the crowd dispersed and went home. But unbeknownst to them, there was one last meteor , and unseen by anypony, it collided with a slow moving point of light, a ship. The light began its descent , a tail forming behind it as it hurdled towards the planet below.
