Chapter 8: Hole Station
Thanks to my fucked up friend J that came up with this idea
“THAT is an invasion! We didn’t use any fucking childish bullshit to secure victory. We had to kill to win and you think that little stunt makes you a hero? I’d like to see you last an hour in an actual invasion” said Artyom, who was obviously pissed.
“Holy... God...” is all Shinning had to say. “Is that really how your kind wages war?”
Artyom nodded “You should have seen world war two”
“World... war... two” Shinning gulped. “I’m guessing the name is self explanatory.”
Artyom nodded once again. “The entire reason we’re so advanced is because of war. We seek knowledge, explore our surroundings, pour millions of dollars into research all to find more efficient ways to kill another. We are a testament to that, we are the world’s most elite killers”
“I guess Celestia was right about your abilities as spies. Cadence, dear, it’s getting late, I’d rather we not miss the last train to Canterlot” Shinning and his wife turned to leave, but was stopped by Dima. He handed Shinning a magazine from each of their weapons.
“Can you replicate these?”
“I’ll see what I can do” And they left for the train station.
“Hey, Artyom?”
“Yes Luna?”
“Mind if I stay the night?”
Artyom smiled. “Of course.”
Artyom woke up. He was slightly startled to find Luna staring him in the eyes not an inch away from his face.
“Did you know I can enter people’s dreams?” she said. Artyom just raised an eyebrow. “And I honestly didn’t know you thought of me like that.”
Artyom blushed and started to stutter. Luna giggled. “Look at you, big badass reduced to mush by a simple pony. If you want to know, the feeling is mutual”
Artyom smiled and kissed her. “It’s been a while”
“Likewise”
Artyom was busy making breakfast for Luna. “So when did you start having feelings for me?” he asked her.
“When I was playing your xbox the first time I met you. I kind of thought you were cute.”
“So that’s why you climbed in with me?”
“I thought I could get away with it, it was a good excuse. May I ask when you first had feelings for me?”
“When I first saw you, I also thought you were cute.”
“So that’s why you let me climb in with you?”
“Yeah”
Luna and Artyom giggled as the rest of Crimson came down the stairs. They each happily took a peice of bacon Artyom had finished frying.
“Thanks, mom!” said Dmitry as he headed out the door.
“Where the fuck is he going?” asked Artyom.
“Rarity invited him for ‘tea time’ or some shit.” answered Dima.
“Why in all hell would he go to that?”
“I doubt it’s the tea he’s going for”
Four hours had passed and the team, along with the princess were eating lunch.
“How do you eat that?” asked Luna as he ate a bacon sandwich. He shrugged and held it out in front of her, inviting her to take a bite. Cautiously, Luna leaned in and took a bite, her body started shaking and she let out a gasp as she had an orgasm.
“That food is incredible! Never in all my years have I tasted such eloquence!”
Artyom chuckled. “Bacon is the food of the gods”
“Hey guys!” Dmitry yelled s he burst through the doors. “I was talking with Rarity about the forest, she mentioned all the different kinds of animals that inhabit it. One of the creatures she mentioned was a manticore! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
They all looked at each other and then back to Dmitry. “Let the hunt begin”
“Where the fuck is the manticore!” yelled Sasha.
They have been searching for the beast for over two hours and nothing had come up.
“Maybe it- AHHHHHH!” Artyom accidentally stumbled into a large hole in the ground.
“Oh, shit” said Dima, looking at the 30 degree vertical drop. “Are you alright?”
“I think so”
“Stay here, we are going to get help!”
“Where the fuck am I going to go!”
Great four hours all alone! Artyom thought.
Hour One:
It’s been about an hour down here. My canteen is almost empty, and I’m all out of tic-tacs. There seems to be some cabbage heads down here, but fuck that shit, I’d rather starve than eat that. I’ve made three attempts to scale the walls of what appears to be the asshole of the world. Funny, if I’m in the asshole of the world, does that mean I’m a piece of shit? Or maybe a world of shit. But this is one asshole that did not prepare its anus.
Hour Two:
My canteen has been empty for half an hour now... A pony stopped by a while ago. I called out to him, but he didn’t hear me. He did, however, pour water over the edge of the hole. The water had a strange yellow colour, was warmer than usual and tasted weird, but that’s just my mind playing tricks on me, right?
I’ve built a city out of dirt for the dung beatles, just to pass the time. There seems to be a civil war going on. The smaller, weaker ones seem to be rising up against their larger oppressors. What they lack in strength they more than make up for in numbers and speed. I call the smaller ones ‘Stormcloaks’ and the larger ones ‘Imperials’. I count eight casualties on the imperial side and rising, casualties on the stormcloak side seems infinite, but their reinforcements seem unlimited. The larger ones seem to have resorted to flyin- OH PISS! OH SHIT! ITS COMING RIGHT FOR ME! HOLY HELL!
Hour Three:
One of the fuckers took flight and headed straight for me. It was probably one of the scariest moments of my life. Its mandibles were large as fuck. But it was no match for my 50cal sniper rifle. Fucker never saw it coming. I resorted to lighting the whole city on fire. I enjoyed watching them burn and hearing them scream. The city is now ash, I fucking won.
Hour Four:
I’ve lost track of time. I think I’ve been down here for eight days, a week minimum. I’m starting to have hallucinations of Ponyville, what would I give to be back there. I wonder if they forgot me, I would probably look a lot different when I return, a full on beard, long hair and stick thin. Oh God, I’d look like a hippy, the very thing I thought was the source of all evil in the world. Stupid fucking hole and its vertical drops. Wait, what was that?
Dima, Sasha, Dmitry and Twilight all walked towards the hole Artyom was in.
“He’s in there” said Dima.
Twilight looked over the edge of the hole to find Artyom sitting on the bottom. An orange parasprite flew down and hovered in front of Artyom’s face.
“Huh?” he said. “A floating orange! Hahahaha!” Artyom chomped down on the small creature. In one bite it was gone, stuffed in Artyom’s mouth. He then began to chew, then swallow. “Ah, a little crunchier than I remember, but oh so satisfying”
Twilight rolled her eyes and teleported Artyom back up to the surface.
“AH!” he screamed. “Oh, it’s just you guys” Dima and Sasha glanced at each other, amused by their crazed comrade.
“Hey, Artyom!” said Dmitry as he slapped Artyom o the shoulder. “Let’s go home and get us some bacon”
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HUMANITY MUST NEVER KNOW!
BACON!!!!!!!!
and Luna should really give some details about the dream
So cutie ship. I like ships!
1830315 how else do you explain this?fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/251/2/3/i_think_i_broke_the_mane_6____by_mental_mischief-d5e1ov6.jpg
When I reed this story I cannot stop laughing.
Did he seriously just eat a Parasprite
1830891
Bear Grylls: I'm proud of you, girls.
1832063 thank you master 25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4j5k1ftnU1r4134ko1_250.gif
“I doubt it’s the tea he’s going for”
I love the Skyrim thing... and his reaction
Burn the city
Win!
this chapter summed up:
Argh, this is awesome, my only complaints are how the stories often feel rushed, hardly any time is spent on character development, and the style and quality of writing needs work, but with that being said, I found myself laughing all through out the read, it is as if I'm reading a parody of a parody. This is definitely a series I am going to keep my eye on.
1892616
He got the swearing thing right. Ever met a Russian soldier?