Fluttershy trembled at the sight of the creature. It was much bigger than her and his hair reminded her of a mop. Fluttershy shrunk further into the corner as the creature approached. It stretched out it's... what were they? It stroked her mane to calm her down. It worked Fluttershy stopped trembling and looked up at the human.
"I'm not going to hurt you." He said calmly "Now lets get you somewhere no one can hurt you." He picked her up as if she was a baby and climbed down the ladder carefully so he didn't accidentally drop her.
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Jake opened the door slowly. He switched on the light and laid the now sleeping pegasus on the couch. He looked down at her and smiled at how peaceful she was. He went upstairs and turned the guest room light on. He looked into the partially empty room and smiled. He remembered the times when he was a kid and relatives came over. When his Grandma had died a few years before she had left him the house. He turned the light off and walked into his bedroom. He had been laying on his bed staring up at the ceiling for what felt like hours before he finally got to sleep.
Jake slowly opened his eyes and felt warm breath on his side. He looked down and saw Fluttershy sleeping there. He smiled. His smile was wiped off his face when he suddenly realised two things.
1. He would have to find a way to tell Fluttershy about the show
and
2. He would also have to tell him his secret.
Jake wasn't all that he seemed to be. Most people think him as being human. But he isn't. He's... different. There was a sudden squeak signalling Fluttershy's awakening. Jake turned round to see the timid yellow pegasus hiding in the corner. As soon as she saw his face she calmed down and slowly flew back to sit on the bed. It was suprising how quickly Fluttershy calmed down. Even though it was probably being kind that calmed her down Jake couldn't help but feel warm inside. He felt happier than he had ever been. Just the fact that he wasn't the only person who was far away from home made him happy. He knew he was going to have to tell her the secret. He didn't know when or how he was going to do it but he was going to. She had to know.
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Fluttershy rested her head against the humans hand smiling. She was happy she had a friend. Even if they were from a different universe and were a different species. At least she knew she wasn't alone. She knew she'd be safe with him. If he was going to hurt her he would have done it by now. She didn't know how he had found her or why he wasn't scared of her but she would have to find that out later. For now she was safe with her new friend. She was sure her other friends were working on a way to get her back but she wasn't entirely sure she wanted to leave. She had only just made a new friend. They still needed to get to know each other and Fluttershy was sure that there was something he needed to tell her. She could tell by his facial expressions. Like he wanted to tell her but decided against it. She looked up and smiled at her friend. Maybe this world isn't bad after all.
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Authors Notes: I hope you enjoyed this new and longer chapter. You can give me feedback on the story. If I made any errors or I need to improve on something don't be afraid to tell me!
Well...
the chapters need to be longer, and i see a lot of potential.
112670
I'm probably gonna do every chapter being longer than the last until the final chapter is possibly going to be a "HUGE ASS MOTHER FREAKING LORD WTF BBQ CHAPTER!"
Well, the word 'friend' was used a little overmuch, but otherwise I have no complaints other than the obvious which has already been stated I think with EVERY comment left after the previous chapter.
I'll track it for now and see where this gazelle goes.
112675 lol
112670 i agree
I agree with everybody, the chapters need to be longer!
On one side, I find it funny that you said longer, so you added some 200 words...
On the other side, why would he know he would need to do those two things? I would personally be more worried about things like: food, accommodation, whether or not she wants to be seen.... you know, important things...
On the third side, the story seems to have a large amount of potential, and I will keep reading it.
112803
Well she would definately need to know about Jake's secret. In fact I'm tempted to reveal the secret in the next chapter. If I can figure out a way to do it...
wow, I don't have to mention that the chapters could be longer.
Next criticism, you should try to use different words for the same thing, don't write hungry in the same gap, and avoid using any word to much.
I like the idea of this, but you should write more about the ambient. As reader you nead something you can work with to imagine this new world. <-- Would make your chapters about 20% longer.( It would stretch it even more, if you would write about it in detail.)
Don't switch the view of the character that much, that could confuse us. Longer ones would be nice.
Now the stuff I like, the entire Story is interesting.
Well, that is everything I can say about this ,yet.
I don't want to give my opinion about this now. I will read and comment it.
Let's make this story bloom
Alright, constructive criticism!
Here goes...
Well, you pretty much had an entire paragraph that started with the word "He".
"He switched, He looked, He went, He looked, He remembered, When his, He turned, He had..."
Also, your sentences are really short and seem really choppy.
In addition, you seem to be missing a lot of commas.
This was just painful to read. I just had to go to EquestriDaily and look for this here link.
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/02/pony-writing-guide.html
The only thing that keeps me tracking this is the plot itself. Tell it good, man.
Overall,
Son, I am disappoint...
A number of writers who are unexooeranced lately... not that that's by any means a bad thing. When i first started writing stories i really stunk, now i'm quite proud of my skill, though i'm not perfect. Anyway, thankfully others gave you good crtisium so thankly i don't have to waste my time doing so! Yjey take a long time to make so yeah and i'm quite busy with stuff that comes up unexpededly all the time... you have potenial, you just need to work on it a little.
(Ps, most chapters i've seen are about 2000 words long)
longer....ok....longer.....ook....LONGER!!!
"gasps"
ooook
This looks good, but ,yes, chapters need to be a lot bigger