• Published 6th Jan 2012
  • 1,624 Views, 43 Comments

A Strange New World - thatguyfromkfc

Spike messes up sending a letter and Fluttershy is sent to a different world.

  • ...

The Secret

Fluttershy lay in her bed staring at the ceiling. It was strange how quickly time went in this world. It had been two weeks since she had ended up in this world yet it felt like two days. Jake wasn't telling her something and she was determined to find out what. There was a sudden knock on the door and Jake slowly walked in.

"Fluttershy... there's something I need to tell you." He sighed.

"What is it?" Fluttershy asked with a hint of worry in her voice. Jake sighed before speaking again.

"You're... from a cartoon." He said simply. Fluttershy stared at him.

"W-w-what?" She stammered. Jake just sat there. There was an awkward silence before Jake spoke again.

"I'm also... not... a human." He told her.

"What do you mean you're not a human!?" Fluttershy exclaimed in suprise.

"In Ponyville did you ever see a brown earth pony with an hourglass cutie mark?" Jake asked.

"Y-yes." Fluttershy replied slowly.

"Well. I'm him." Jake told her. Fluttershy looked at him like he was joking. She pretended to laugh.

"Is that some sort of joke?" She replied.

"No. Why would I joke about that?" He asked "Ok. This is what happened. I'm a... time traveller. I tried to get back to Earth, here, it worked. But... I ended up in the wrong body and the TARDIS almost exploded in the process." Fluttershy tried to comprehend what she had just been told.

"Wait." She said "If you're not a human. Then... what are you? Because when you first got to Ponyville your... 'TARDIS' had crashed. So you can't be a pony." Jake sighed.

"I'm... a timelord." He replied. Fluttershy looked confused. "An alien." He said. Fluttershy suddenly shyed away from him. Jake smiled. "If I was going to hurt you I would've done it by now." He laughed. Fluttershy relaxed at those words.

"W-w-what was you're planet like?" She asked.

(Descriptive dialouge stolen from Doctor Who incoming!)

"The sky was a burnt orange with the Citadel enclosed in a mighty glass dome, shining under the twin suns. Beyond that, the mountains go on forever - slopes of deep red grass capped with snow." He told her. Fluttershy smiled at how beautiful it sounded.

(End stolen dialouge)

"Could you take me?" Fluttershy asked. Jake shook his head.

"Even if the TARDIS had recovered I wouldn't be able to." He explained.

"Why not?" Fluttershy replied.

"It's gone." Jake said "It was destroyed. A war. Two races fighting eachother. We lost. Everyone did."

"How did everyone lose?" Fluttershy asked.

"Me." Jake replied simply. Fluttershy's eyes widened. "I had to stop the war." Jake continued "The timelords had been changed. The war had changed them and I had to stop it. They're gone now. And I can't go back."
Authors Notes: What did you think of this chapter? I decided to change the layout. It would've just been a wall of words if I hadn't. I'm trying to make the story better with each chapter. Tell me what I can improve on and I'll try to do it.

Update: Story now On Hiatus while I finish my new fic...

Comments ( 11 )

Do you read much? On this way your story get 200 chapters and more.
You should spend more time in writing longer chapters, Y U NO LISTEN!<-- should sound funny but i gues it dose not.
Next point:
What does stand TARDIS for?
Timelord is Docthor Whooves is Human, Fluttershy hear she is from a cartoon.Fluttershy ask about the not Human stuff. Come on she just heared she is a freakin cartoon , she don't know what cartoon means but she would care more about that point!
What happened in the 2 Weeks! Isn't there any trouble you could write about?
I'm disapointed:facehoof:
You shold think about rework this, or just turn your writingway from now on.(Writingway is not a English word, it is no word in any language. Just think about it as style how you write something, i don't know why I haven't write that in first place:derpytongue2:)

seemed promising, time lord completely killed it.


#4 · Jan 10th, 2012 · · ·

Back off everypony, it was good, none the less.:scootangel:

Wow. This story has heaps of originality, doesn't it? :ajbemused:

If it was your first story, I'd grant you some leniency, but you'd think you've had enough practice to be better then this. The story is just... disappointing. :facehoof:

Well. It was good before...

but this absolutely murdered it.

The actual writing was somewhat better, but still kinda choppy.

And the Time Lord thing murdered it to death until it died.
I would have read the entire story, had you not killed it. I'm not sure anymore.
Son, I am disappoint.

I can’t even describe how bad this is their is almost no character development, no interactions, no pacing, and I have no clue what is up with this twist can I even call it a twist? Since this is the first actual character development I’m hearing.

Ok rage over time for constructive criticisms

First off the world: give some description of what things look like. What’s his house look like, what color is it, is it in a city or a rural town, was the day sunny, was it rainy, was it cold, what time was it, was the sun out or was it behind cloud, where in the world is he USA,UK,Australia,Siberia?

Characters: Fluttershy IMMEDIATELY likes him no suspicion no fear (except on the roof). Jake is a blob basically we don't know anything about him how tall he is, what color his eyes are, his weight, his dislikes, his likes (except ponies), the only thing we know is that Fluttershy said his hair was like a mop, and he likes to go walking.

Pacing: there is none... that's it we go from "oh they just met" to "TWO WEEKS LATER" it’s so fast I swear I have whiplash.

Summary: Describe things give people and things some descriptions so we know what they look like and give them some pacing.



Couldn't agree more I was hoping for a romance story but in the most logical way possible. :fluttershyouch:

It'd would be nice if you reworked this, I see a lot of potential but you should slow down the pace and make the chapters longer.
I have to agree with the other people I was enjoying the first 2 chapters although they were a bit short and the plot developed far to fast and there was
almost no dialouge or character interactions, but yeah... the timelord thing really killed it. :fluttercry:

I hope that you decided to rework this, I would enjoy it if you added some kind of relationship or romance along those lines.
All in all there is a lot of potential with this story you should also describe the setting better all I figured out was that Fluttershy landed in a city of sorts and the OC took her to his house that is also hardly described.

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