Spike messes up sending a letter and Fluttershy is sent to a different world. How will she cope with not only this new world but the friendship that is created from it.
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 4th Dec, 2011
- offline last seen Nov 14th, 2019
thatguyfromkfc
I'm British, I write sad-fics, play Minecraft and watch ponies.
thatguyfromkfc
Joined 4th Dec, 2011 ·
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i agree cmdrhellyea great story but to short
Your sentences are kinda choppy.
But buck yes, a Fluttershy version of My Little Dashie!
I shall follow this, my good sir, unless you begin to suck. Which hopefully shouldn't happen, should it?
*reminds me of My Little Dashie*
NONONONONONONONONO!
....
Despite it being so short, it sounds pretty interesting.
Its a good start.
It is good, actually.
I'd love to read a longer chapter, though.
An actual chapter should be...like...three or four times as long as this...
interesting, but kinda short..
I suggest working on your sentance structure, as it seem to be a somewhat choppy read.
Length is an issue that has been pointed out several times already: make the next one longer.
A bit more description would be benifitial aswell, just to get a general idea of where they actually are.
Those issues aside, the concept it self was enough to gain a positive bias from me, so I may follow this and see where it leads. However, you must improve your delievery, esle this story may not be as good as it could - and deserves - to be.
Agree with the above comments, your delivery is very choppy. If I may make the suggestion, try to expand on your enviroment description, and definitely add in some character dialogue. While it's good that you describe how the characters are reacting to the situations, without dialogue or detailed non-verbal descriptions it's hard to tell how they present their thoughts to the other characters in their scene.
However, that being said, your premise is interesting, so will track.
continue it,
make it longer,
make it AWESOME
and it will be the next my little dashie
lol then comes the sequel, then the threequel
Dun. Dun. Duuun. Good thing that Jake is a Brony, or else, knowing how we humans tend to be when it comes to unknown creatures, Fluttershy could have been in a lot of trouble.
Good chapter.
And another fluttershy in anotheer world fic, sigh.... i hate trends.
Ripoff.
112515
How is this a rip off? I haven't finished it yet.
Well...
the chapters need to be longer, and i see a lot of potential.
112670
I'm probably gonna do every chapter being longer than the last until the final chapter is possibly going to be a "HUGE ASS MOTHER FREAKING LORD WTF BBQ CHAPTER!"
Well, the word 'friend' was used a little overmuch, but otherwise I have no complaints other than the obvious which has already been stated I think with EVERY comment left after the previous chapter.
I'll track it for now and see where this gazelle goes.
112675 lol
112670 i agree
I agree with everybody, the chapters need to be longer!
On one side, I find it funny that you said longer, so you added some 200 words...
On the other side, why would he know he would need to do those two things? I would personally be more worried about things like: food, accommodation, whether or not she wants to be seen.... you know, important things...
On the third side, the story seems to have a large amount of potential, and I will keep reading it.
112803
Well she would definately need to know about Jake's secret. In fact I'm tempted to reveal the secret in the next chapter. If I can figure out a way to do it...
wow, I don't have to mention that the chapters could be longer.
Next criticism, you should try to use different words for the same thing, don't write hungry in the same gap, and avoid using any word to much.
I like the idea of this, but you should write more about the ambient. As reader you nead something you can work with to imagine this new world. <-- Would make your chapters about 20% longer.( It would stretch it even more, if you would write about it in detail.)
Don't switch the view of the character that much, that could confuse us. Longer ones would be nice.
Now the stuff I like, the entire Story is interesting.
Well, that is everything I can say about this ,yet.
I don't want to give my opinion about this now. I will read and comment it.
Let's make this story bloom
Alright, constructive criticism!
Here goes...
Well, you pretty much had an entire paragraph that started with the word "He".
"He switched, He looked, He went, He looked, He remembered, When his, He turned, He had..."
Also, your sentences are really short and seem really choppy.
In addition, you seem to be missing a lot of commas.
This was just painful to read. I just had to go to EquestriDaily and look for this here link.
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/02/pony-writing-guide.html
The only thing that keeps me tracking this is the plot itself. Tell it good, man.
Overall,
Son, I am disappoint...
A number of writers who are unexooeranced lately... not that that's by any means a bad thing. When i first started writing stories i really stunk, now i'm quite proud of my skill, though i'm not perfect. Anyway, thankfully others gave you good crtisium so thankly i don't have to waste my time doing so!
Yjey take a long time to make so yeah and i'm quite busy with stuff that comes up unexpededly all the time...
you have potenial, you just need to work on it a little.
(Ps, most chapters i've seen are about 2000 words long)
longer....ok....longer.....ook....LONGER!!!
"gasps"
ooook
This looks good, but ,yes, chapters need to be a lot bigger
Do you read much? On this way your story get 200 chapters and more.
)
You should spend more time in writing longer chapters, Y U NO LISTEN!<-- should sound funny but i gues it dose not.
Next point:
What does stand TARDIS for?
Timelord is Docthor Whooves is Human, Fluttershy hear she is from a cartoon.Fluttershy ask about the not Human stuff. Come on she just heared she is a freakin cartoon , she don't know what cartoon means but she would care more about that point!
What happened in the 2 Weeks! Isn't there any trouble you could write about?
I'm disapointed
You shold think about rework this, or just turn your writingway from now on.(Writingway is not a English word, it is no word in any language. Just think about it as style how you write something, i don't know why I haven't write that in first place
seemed promising, time lord completely killed it.
THIS IS WAY TO SHORT AND LIKE Shares SAID THERE IS NOT ENOUGH INFORMATION!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is not a rip off. Its a good start.
Back off everypony, it was good, none the less.
Wow. This story has heaps of originality, doesn't it?
If it was your first story, I'd grant you some leniency, but you'd think you've had enough practice to be better then this. The story is just... disappointing.
Well. It was good before...
but this absolutely murdered it.
The actual writing was somewhat better, but still kinda choppy.
And the Time Lord thing murdered it to death until it died.
I would have read the entire story, had you not killed it. I'm not sure anymore.
Son, I am disappoint.
I can’t even describe how bad this is their is almost no character development, no interactions, no pacing, and I have no clue what is up with this twist can I even call it a twist? Since this is the first actual character development I’m hearing.
Ok rage over time for constructive criticisms
First off the world: give some description of what things look like. What’s his house look like, what color is it, is it in a city or a rural town, was the day sunny, was it rainy, was it cold, what time was it, was the sun out or was it behind cloud, where in the world is he USA,UK,Australia,Siberia?
Characters: Fluttershy IMMEDIATELY likes him no suspicion no fear (except on the roof). Jake is a blob basically we don't know anything about him how tall he is, what color his eyes are, his weight, his dislikes, his likes (except ponies), the only thing we know is that Fluttershy said his hair was like a mop, and he likes to go walking.
Pacing: there is none... that's it we go from "oh they just met" to "TWO WEEKS LATER" it’s so fast I swear I have whiplash.
Summary: Describe things give people and things some descriptions so we know what they look like and give them some pacing.
WHHHHAAA?!
121909
Couldn't agree more I was hoping for a romance story but in the most logical way possible.
It'd would be nice if you reworked this, I see a lot of potential but you should slow down the pace and make the chapters longer.
I have to agree with the other people I was enjoying the first 2 chapters although they were a bit short and the plot developed far to fast and there was
almost no dialouge or character interactions, but yeah... the timelord thing really killed it.
I hope that you decided to rework this, I would enjoy it if you added some kind of relationship or romance along those lines.
All in all there is a lot of potential with this story you should also describe the setting better all I figured out was that Fluttershy landed in a city of sorts and the OC took her to his house that is also hardly described.