Stein was a young green pony with brown mane. He was born on June 7th 1989 in the city of Las Pegasus. He was a unicorn and, he was a small pony with big dreams. All he wanted was to become king of Equestria. He started to draw in class about his dream.
“What this?” said the teacher
“I’m drawing the future of Equestria in my view,”
“Well one day you can make this country better. You can change the world one day you know.”
“Really?”
“I believe in you.”
The teacher was Stein’s only friend in the classroom. The other young ponies hated him. He uses to sit alone every day. Sometimes the kids bug him in different ways as possible. Now he’s the only pony in the class that does not have a cutie mark. Stein took his usual seat in the back corner of the small schoolhouse. A filly in the front row glanced at him and started whispering to her neighbor, who began giggling as she glanced Stein's way. Stein pretended not to notice and stared at his textbook. A wadded-up piece of paper hit his head and bounced to the floor, eliciting chuckles from his classmates. Sighing, he picked up the paper and saw that it was blank. Ha, ha, he thought with a resentful glance at his own blank flank, the only one in the entire schoolhouse.
One day Princess Celestia visited the classroom. Stein wasn't going to talk to her because he was worried that the class would laugh at him, so he sat alone like always.
“ Alright so this story is about The Three Little Ponies.” said Celesta
Ones there were three ponies, they lived with their mother. One was a pegasus, another was a unicorn, and the other was a earth pony. They lived a happy live, every morning they wake up and take care of their mother. They take care of all of the house choirs; they cleaned the gutters, cleaned their rooms, did laundry, and made breakfast, lunch and dinner. One day her mother called them in.
“Your very good girls and I'm very proud of you girls. But my time is about to be up in this world and now your growing older. I want you girls to start living an independent life. You took care of me very well and your father will be proud of you girls. But it’s my time for me to go join your father. I'm letting you go explore the outside world. Go my darling, go explore, now is the time for you to that.”
Their mother passed away after that statement she said. Soon the girls moved in their own separate ways. The earth pony looked around and found a perfect spot for her house. She starts to build it out of straw. The unicorn did the same thing but instead made her house out of sticks. The pegasus did the same thing but made her house out of clouds. They lived in the houses for a month now. There was a cougar running around looking for food. He happens to find a house made of straw with a pony living inside. The cougar walks up to the house…
When the princess was reading the book she looks into the corner. She finds Stein in the corner sitting alone.
“Hey why don't you sit next to me,” said Celesta
“I’m too scared to sit next to a pony that is very important.”
“It’s ok; I'm not going to hurt you,”
Stein sat next to the princess, the other ponies were mad to see that he was sitting next to the princess. Celesta continued on the story. After she was done she asked the class a question.
“What did you learn on this story?”
“To never build with stick because sticks and stones break my bones,” said one of the ponies
“No, it’s to always do a great job on the house you build.”
“ OOOOOOOO AAAAA,” said the ponies
“Well when I grow up I don't want any of their houses,” said Stein
“What do you want then?”
“I want to be ruler of Equestria.”
Celesta laughed.
“Well I don't think that will happen.”
“What do you mean?”
“I think I have an iron heart therefore I live for a very long time. I have another 5000 years to go before I die, you can still be part of the court but you won't make many laws as I do.”
Stein starts to cry. He gets up and walks toward the door.
“If I can’t be the leader of Equestria then I'm just going to find a way to kick you out of the castle or to kill you.”
Stein’s cutie mark appears and looks like a book with gears all around it in a triangle. He walks out of the room and slammed the door. He soon ran away from his parents and went into the mountains. He went to the side of Equestria and found himself at a beach.
“I will find a way to kill you princess and its hidden somewhere in this world!”
He made himself a raft out of stick and went onto the ocean. He traveled for hours and they turned into days and then months. One day he had no hope of getting back home but he saw an island. He swam for shore. As he explored the island he came across ruins.
He went inside and made careful steps. He steps on a brick and it was a trap. He ducks for his life. Arrows come out of nowhere. He happens to make it through all the traps. At the end was a ball of light and on the floor was a description of what it is.
Whoever touches this orb will harness its power. This orb has the power to suck the life energy out of the Elements of Harmony group of friend and the princesses of Equestria. When all of their life energy is put into the orb you can harness their power and live for an eternity. Also if you do it you also become ruler of Equestria. But there is one element that will get away and try to stop you. That element will be the strongest and it’s the element of loyalty. If you're able to get all of their power they will die and you will be invisible and nothing can stop you.
Stein touches the orb and feels the power it’s giving him. It flowed throughout his body and the he gets an idea. For the next 10 years he starts to build a lab from scratch. He developed electricity on the island and made a ship that was made for capturing the elements and the princesses. Ones he had went back to Equestria to look at the news he found the elements of harmony group. It was time to put his plan into action.
“I will not give up until I have my perfect world and the attack starts now.”
A pony tells you he will stop at nothing to dethrone and kill you.
Making this statement earns him his cutie mark.
Nothing suspicious at all.
OW-
The lack of grammar- IT HURTS
Okay I'll stop trolling now.
This story- It could be good. It really could.
BUT!
You need to learn how to write well first. You need to learn punctuation, and flow, capitalization, and pacing.
And to do that, you need to read.
A lot.
First up on your recommended reading, I would suggest books of your favorite movies. (Unless that would be the Twilight trilogy. I'm not going to say they're bad- But they aren't the kind of books you can LEARN from.) I would also suggest you read some of the guides that the wonderful authors on here have written up for new writers.
Good choice on who to keep alive, Dashie is the best of the mane 6, but Luna is the best princess, I put in my favorites so I can read after the fic I am reading right now!
dtlux1
Other than the spelling and grammatical errors, the first part of the story is pretty decent. But then we get to the Celestia scene. The story went downhill faster than the woman out the window at the Whyte House in Diamonds are Forever. ("I didn't know there was a pool down there").
If you want to revive this story at all, remove the psychopathic (correct terminology) character and the whole island thing. The first part of the story can definitely be salvaged. Maybe it can be turned into a great story. But you need to first fix the plot. And to do that, follow the advice of 1552360 and learn more about writing. I suggest that you keep the background information but replace the next part completely. Try showing how Stein sees where a law can be put in place, suggests ot, and eventually starts making a difference. It doesn't need to be an exciting fic. If what I'm reading is good writing, as well as not psychopathic like Stein right now, I WILL definitely support you.
Sudofox
Alright, I'm watching this now.
I need to make a correction to my previous comment: I meant you should keep (revise a bit though) the story up until the end of the 3 little pigs story.
Can't really argue with that.
1552691 sorry I can't see that in the story I can't find it and i'm going to try and fix it
1552691 nevermind I found it in the description
TWE's Scribblestick here to scan the area for possible downvote magnets!
All right, first up: pacing. This story goes by way too fast for anyone to understand the characters or their motivations. Slow down and describe things. Slow down and let your characters interact so we can get to know them and make a connection with them.
Which brings us to my next point: show vs. tell. You tell us a lot, but that's not very interesting. For example, you say Stein gets teased. Why not show it?
Let us see what's going on. That's what makes a story interesting.
The last thing I'll comment on is the random orb of strange specificity.
We don't know much about the Elements of Harmony, but we do know Celestia and Luna weilded them against Discord, and that Celestia used them against Nightmare Moon. If these two can use them alone, who's to say there's always an "Elements of Harmony group?" Also, who's to say that the rulers of Equestria will always be princesses? Heck, if somepony had discovered this orb during Luna's banishment, he or she would have been very confused. The orbs description is just too specific to be credible. And that doesn't even begin to touch on the ridiculous powers it bestows. No one likes a character with limitless power, and this is pushing it.
Anyways, that's all from me. Hope it helps!
~Scribblestick, TWE's notoriously friendly moderator
1552360
I'm not a good speller and books don't help me
1552787
Thanks
So tell me Opus, are you doing this for fun and profit or do you have another motive in mind because I'm just not getting it.
You join 5 days ago and have so far written 3 very bad stories. You complain about your spelling, when you've been told to use a spellcheck yet still misspell words. Now your excuse is that you're not a good speller and books don't help.
So what's your angle here? Are you trolling or just clueless?
The description as a summary. And it's a bad one. In my opinion.
SPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECK!
1553302 CREEEEEEED!
1553189
I am doing this for fun
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7lp2dLqLi1r6fge6.gif
1554658
SSSSSSINDRIII!