I was never sure as to whether I enjoyed or disliked waking up. I'm no morning person that's for sure. But there are those rare moments I was able to wake up full of energy. Ready to face the day. Regrettably this is not one of those days. I'm getting ahead of myself here aren't I? My name is Shane, and I guess one way I try to describe myself would be. I'm too weird to be normal yet normal enough to be not weird. Yes, I know it's a bit of a contradiction, but I can't ever seem to come up with a better way to describe it.
Waking up I was less then thrilled to know that my congested sinuses, itchy throat, and over all aches had not dissipated. The wonders of that infernal hay fever I'm prone to around Fall or Winter. My eyes opening to a rather dark room I feel my bed beneath me. No doubt by the absence of illumination I guessed that it would still be early morning. The grogginess and aches discouraging me from wanting to move my body. Therefore I turned my head to look back my window.
Blinds or not, it wasn't hard to tell that it was still very dark and the porch light was turned off. A telltale that dad has already gotten up and left for work. An indication that it should be anywhere between 4:40-5:00AM. Though something felt strange. Picture this if you will. I'm laying on my side facing away from my window, said window is located near the foot of my bed. Practically at a 45 degree angle from my back. Yet here I am nearly looking directly at it... How did my neck get so flexible?
It was then that I decided to turn over on my stomach and push myself up with both arms, bringing my right arm up to rub my eyes. It was then that I was met with a sensation I was not expecting. Being that I wasn't quite awake yet, two details came fourth more slower then they should have normally. The first being that the limb I now have up to my face is covered in fur. The second was the complete lack of feeling in the fingers at the end of that same limb. It felt like a good minute or so as I sat there frozen with my mind stuck somewhere between fur and Royal Pony Sisters knows where else.
After what felt like an eternity, I lowered my right limb slowly back down on the bed. Pressing down experimentally to test if my fingers were still there but just numb, but no, the limb touched down giving me the feed back saying there was a definite lack of fingers. Then going down the proverbial list I turned my attention to my legs, and much like my arms, a few movements confirmed lack the lack toes yet giving feed back very similar to what my arms were giving. I then lifted my right arm back up to my chest to feel a kind of nail thing shaped like an upside down U.
"A hoof...? I have a hoof?" I finally said aloud.
"My voice!...Oh, that didn't change at least." I said feeling somewhat relieved.
Then turning my attention back to my body, it had one more surprise in store for me. Now aware I was fully naked, one last detail grabbed my attention. Despite my being unclothed I felt something extra on my back that was draped over my sides. Not wanting to support myself with just one hoof I put the other down. Then kind of on an odd whim I flexed my back feeling muscles I never had before. Just then the draped feeling was lifted from my sides and back.
In addition to the feeling there was also the sound of something rustling. Once the sound was made I felt a light pressure of two joints on my back. I then relaxed the muscles then tensed them back feeling a small rush of wind about me. The joints and muscles giving me an ever so odd feeling. Finally after a few moments of tensing and relaxing I put two and two together.
"I have wings too?" I said now looking back at the two silhouettes of feathered sails in the dark of the room.
I'm usually not one to state the obvious but this is all so much to take in. I wake up to a flexible neck, hooves at the end of my four limbs, and wings on my back...What happened to me?
At around this time the shock and awe was now starting to wear off. Allowing familiar bodily needs to surface in my new unfamiliar body. Now, this actually did two things to me at the time. First, I was being told by my body that the plumbing needed to be drained. Second, while somewhat different, the style of piping told me I was still very much male. The body function now beginning to become more assertive in it's message. Demanded that I begin moving now lest I want a soaked bed.
Now Despite the urgency of the situation I still had something to work out. I had to move using all four or my limbs, which didn't translate too well when I jumped out of bed. Now funny enough I actually have some weird reflexes when falling is involved. Also thanks to a short time when I trained a little in Aikido. I was taught how to handle falling rather reasonably, And too my credit I actually did land on all fours. However, it was my center of gravity that got me.
In a few quick seconds, there was Jump! Land! Tip! Crash! Yeah, that could have gone better,
"Ow..." I whined as I laid there on my side.
I began by pulling my legs against by body, then I shifted my weight going neck first to pull myself in an upright laying position. Now starting with my right foreleg then my left, slowly pulling myself up mimicking my front with my back until I stood there up right. This time with my legs a bit more spread out for better balance, I now find myself facing the next challenge. Which came in the very evil form of a locked round door knob.
Despite my current situation become a little more urgent by the second I stood there...staring...At that thing that now mocks my lack of fingers by existing. That vile piece of brass parts stood between me and my goal. I could almost hear it sing it's taunting melodies at me. First thing I needed to do was unlock the door, which actually was pretty easy using teeth and a twist of the neck. Then came other part, actually turning the door knob.
There I was, using attempt after attempt to turn that infuriating brass orb. Teeth slid off it's surface, trying to use booth hooves resulted me having more crashes then I care to admit. Attempting to get the door to respond to the furry joint between my hoof and elbow was down right laughable. Now the frustration was close to driving me to tears as my bodily function driven urgency increased. Standing there feeling defeated by something so simple yet so devious.
I just simply laid my right hoof over the door knob, and it was then something odd hit me. At the end of my hoof I was feeling a cold sensation, in response to that realization, I brought my hoof back to touch the end of my nose. It was then that another discovery was made, giving me new knowledge that I now have a snout. My nose at the end of said snout being sensitive enough to feel the bear skin in the middle of the hoof, I was able to put two and two together. Putting my hoof squarely on the center of the door knob and placing a bit of pressure, I was able to turn my hoof using the traction provided by the fleshy part between.
In turn my wrist finally turning the door knob and conquering the fiend. I pushed forward in my elated feeling of victory only to be stopped shortly afterward...In my moment of conceited celebration, I failed to remember that my door actually opened inward.
"SON OF A......! You have got to be kidding me!!!"
Well, to say the least I'm rather nervous about this. Anyway, I'll start by saying to whoever reads this, I do hope you find it enjoyable. I would very much appreciate constructive criticism should you find something you feel is wrong. I'm certainly no artist so should any artist be interested enough to lend a hand in drawing my OC, please contact me, I would be ever so grateful.
Edit: Okay, I wound up going over the first chapter making some small changes here and there. For those who care enough to read it again, the changes I made are mainly punctuation and a few sentences reworded. The chapter itself is still largely the same just with what I hope to be improvements to the overall structure.
You seem to use periods in place of commas a lot. For example, in your A/N,
That should be a comma. Although they are separate clauses, a period breaks up the fluency of the piece, and can be distracting for someone who reads slower than myself. Also, if a thought is unfinished with a following independent clause, there should be a comma instead of a period.
1545277 It's kind of ironic for me to hear that as I felt I was using too many commas. Thanks for the advice though. I'm currently working with a proof reader to correct typos.
A'ight, I'll give this a read. But I see you need a proofreading, you want me to proofread?
1548763 Yes actually, I would very much appreciate that.
1548689 I understand you dislike it, but would you kind enough explain why? I would much rather hear your opinion over Linkara saying no over and over.
1548998
I'm not really sure to begin. But I guess I'll start with the opening:
>I was never sure as to whether I enjoyed or disliked waking up. I'm no morning person that's for sure. But there are those rare moments I was able to wake up full of energy. Ready to face the day. Regrettably, this was not one of those days. Ah! I'm getting ahead of myself here. My name is Shane and while I wouldn't call myself average. I'm not exactly special either. Although I've certainly been called a few things, a personal favorite amongst my friends is troll. While I'd much prefer the tittle smart ass over troll. I suppose beggars can't be choosers.
First of all, the sense of time hops all over the place. When the hell are we? The past? The present day? The distant past? The future? If this is a guy talking about the past ("I was never sure"), then the writing needs to strictly stick to that backward looking perspective and stop flopping around to talking about this right now ("I suppose beggars", etc).
Secondly, you see punctuation and sentence structure are crazy. Like look specifically at: "My name is Shane and while I wouldn't call myself average. I'm not exactly special either." and compare with: "My name is Shane. And, while I wouldn't call myself average, I'm not exactly special either."
Third, okay, other than the fact that our protagonist is named Shane (Come back!), there's nothing whatsoever to make a reader 'hooked' into reading. He's as bland as a potato. In fact, worse than that! Apparently, he's a snarky-snork that's proud of his snork-nature. That seems like kryptonite to readers for me.
Do readers want to see another HiE with a snork-loaded protagonist guy with no major motivation for anything, no character drive, no interesting deep background, no experiences, and so on? Are they interested in seeing more snork venting upon other bland, un-described characters? No, they probably don't. I'm sorry, but I don't think they do.
Forth, look, the whole thing begins in a formless bit of nowhere. He's just talking to... someone. He could be in jail talking to a bird in the cell window for all we know. Where the sense of place? The sense of place?
I read on past the first paragraph, but most readers-- I think-- won't. And you do explain some things later, but the problems seem to compound. Honestly, these stories are all the same. A human wakes up as a pony. Nothing interesting happens to them. And since we have no reason whatsoever as readers given to use to actually like the human, then we don't care.
I try not to sound mean when I comment, I really do-- especially since it comes across as me as an author with a lot of fics picking on people and I hate looking like a bully / being a bully, but as an author you should be dreaming of more than just another uninspired human-pony fic. Please put your abilities to use with something else. Anything else!
Like I said before:
1549112 I see, thank you, I meant it too. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm also just getting started. I do plan on starting other stories eventually, and that my own writing needs a lot of work to improve. However, if something were easy to obtain, then it probably isn't worth it. Again, thank you for your input.
1548998
I hang around with a bunch of people which write this sorta thing, and they're REALLY good at it. More or less becoming 'the little pone', but I digress. Could always link you sooner or later, if you're interested. If I'm going to proof this, google docs would be a godsend of help.
1549610
10/10
Would report
1549209 I see, I'm willing to work with you if you are. Also I do write in google docs, and would you like to get in contact through something like skype?
1549956 Just reported it as spam.
To the tune of the chorus of deadmau5's song Professional Griefers
*deep breath*
AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME WANT NEW CHAPTER AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME ADD TO FAVOURITES AWESOME AWESOME NOW IT'S ON READ LATER AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME CAN'T THANK YA ENOUGH AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME WANT NEW CHAPTER AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME ADD TO FAVOURITES AWESOME AWESOME NOW IT'S ON READ LATER AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME CAN'T THANK YA ENOUGH
*exhale*
Okay, now that I got that out of the way, this is an awesome fic!
Pfft...Alright, I gotta admit, you got me giggling there for a moment. Welcome to the group by the way. I'm Tony. (Rarity) Wish you well with the next chapters! Have fun with your writing!
1553817 Kind of at a loss on how to put this but, thank you three times over I think?(hoping that does sound like a compliment.) Anyway this is a little bit embarrassing to say but I actually forgot to favorite yours to keep track of it. Now looking at it it, I'm pleassently surprised to know that I have yet more to catch up on with the mane six stories of this group.
1550350
Sounds good, yes. Skype is calclor.
It is interesting to be able to quickly look at what most people focus on when writing these kinds of stories, rather than the story in and of itself. It's amusing to see which aspect people become most entranced with, for some people it is the loss of hands, others the changed gender, melding of thoughts, etc.
Walter/Trixie btw.
T'was a good read! Can't wait to see more!