Time Turner's Discordian Detective Agency: The Panther of the Bluebloods

by Rodinga

Chapter 7: Mass Hysteria

There are a few things in life you take for granted; the sun will rise every morning without fail and the mare in the moon will watch over you while you sleep. That has been that way it’s always been, Celestia has never been late moving the sun. Changing the sun’s orbit speed is something the princess took very seriously, an hour’s difference was enough to change the seasons. Right now it was starting to look like autumn had come a month and a half early.

We all stood on Fabulator’s balcony, staring at the suddenly featureless lunar surface. I tilted my head to the side as I tried to see if the moon was still moving. “Is it just me, or is the moon moving backwards?” I asked aloud.

“Impossible,” Blueblood objected. “The only pony with the power to move the moon is auntie, and she wouldn’t move it backwards.”

“But she clearly is,” Fabulator said. “There it is, moving backwards, who else could do this?”

“It couldn’t be her,” Armour objected. “She doesn’t have any reason to do this.”

“I didn’t give you permission to speak, Lieutenant,” Blueblood growled, not even looking at the guard officer.

“Shutting up, Sir.”

“Motive means nothing,” Fabulator argued. “Celestia is the only pony who can move the sun and moon. As Clover the Clever once said ‘Once you have discounted the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.’ So logically, as Celestia the only option on the table she must therefore be responsible.”

“That’s the problem with logic,” I objected. “It only deals in absolutes.” Everypony on the balcony looked toward me, confusion on their faces. “Fabulator, you quote Clover’s philosophy and use it to dismiss something purely on the basis of it being impossible; but the impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbable lacks. By ignoring what you believe to be impossible you can discount the truth entirely and come to the wrong conclusion.”

The noble looked at me like I was a raving lunatic and said, “Then please explain what just happened.”

“As the Prince would no doubt attest, Celestia isn’t capable of malice toward her subjects. So either she’s moving to moon for our benefit, or something else is controlling it.”

“What could possibly move to moon like that?” Octavia asked.

“Buck me if I know,” I replied. “The prince would probably have a better idea than any of us.”

Everypony looked toward Blueblood, who had been standing silently staring at the moon. After a moment the Prince deigned to talk to us saying, “I might have a clue. Auntie has been silently preparing for something.” The prince continued musing, “She’s been more focused than usual, like when one of her grander political schemes is falling into place.”

“So,” Octavia asked hopefully. “You think Celestia has planned for this?”

“I hope so,” Blueblood replied. He took a deep breath and built up some resolve saying, “I know what she would want me to do, the same thing I’ve always done for her; look after Equestria until she returns.”

The prince took his glass of wine and drank the entire thing in a swift movement. "Lieutenant, you’re going to escort me back to the palace and rouse Captain Ironsides.” Armour gave the prince a swift salute. “Fabulator, you’d better come with me as well. We’re going to need every unicorn in the guard for this and as many volunteers as we can muster.” The noble nodded.

The prince strode toward the door, halting halfway as he remembered something and looked toward me. “Time Turner, I seem to recall your filly friend was in charge of that riot near the palace?”

Octavia replied for me, “Yes, Prince Blueblood. I’m responsible for the organisation of the event.”

“Turner, take your filly friend back to her ‘event’ and stop the commoners from panicking. Fail and I will not be paying your expenses.”

I paled a little as the prince walked away, leaving the threat hanging in the air. Including Catch’s makeover and the hotel bill, the expenses sheet was over a thousand bits. The amount was more than he paid me and Catch in the first place.

Octavia flicked her tail at me to wake me up and led the way out the door.

---

We galloped straight for the party, Octavia proved she was still as capable as always and kept up with me as we turned the five minute walk into a two minute run. We arrived to find the party still going and Vinyl was still on stage playing. Once we were backstage I was tackled by an affectionate avalanche of hugs.

“Timey, thank Celestia you’re back! There’s something really wrong.”

“Sun not rising, mare in the moon disappearing, that about cover it?” I surmised.

Lucky Catch nodded, “Everypony out there is starting to panic, I told Vinyl to keep playing but they know something’s wrong.”

At the side of the stage Octavia was beckoning me over. I gave a quick nod to Catch and we went over.

Octavia nodded to the audience as we arrived. “Take a look.” I peered out to look at the crowd, at first glance it looked normal, but as I looked closer I started to see the warning signs: ponies talking to each other instead of dancing; others were looking over their shoulders toward the east and a few more looked up at the moon.

“Yeah, that’s not good,” I said.

“We need to calm them down before things get out of hoof,” Catch hissed.

“What could we tell them?” Octavia began. “The princess is probably in trouble, but she will be just fine and the sun will rise shortly. Somehow I think that will make them panic more.”

“Well I’ll tell them the truth, calmly, but we need to get their attention first.”

“They’re starting to ignore Vinyl,” Catch said. “How can we get their attention?”

“Something flashy and spectacular, something like…” I looked around for possibilities: A small pile of fireworks was left over but not enough for a full display, the dry ice had run out, Vinyl was doing her best to get attention and failing. Something caught my eye as I looked across the stage, Vinyl had another audience. A Pegasus mare in a wonderbolt jumpsuit stood on the other side of the stage, staring at Vinyl as she performed. “Octavia, who’s that wonderbolt standing on the other side of the stage?”

Octavia glanced over toward the mare. “That would be Fleetfoot; she is one of the Wonderbolts backup fliers. Her wing stayed back to perform in the show earlier while the rest went to Ponyville with the princess.

“So she’s just an understudy then.” I watched her for a moment as a plan started to form. “Octavia, Catch, get the last fireworks set up for Vinyl to fire. I’m going to have a word with the wonderbolt over there.”

I didn’t explain further and took off running around the back of the stage to get to the other side. If what I heard was right then Fleetfoot would be just what we needed. I crept up behind her, any noise my hoof steps made was clouded by the sound of the music. Watching Fleet from behind I noticed her head moved to follow Vinyl as she moved on stage, her snow white tail and blue wings twitched as Vinyl struck a pose. Even an earth pony like me can read some of the obvious body language of pegasi.

“Dat flank,” I said as I came alongside Fleet with a grin across my face. I lifted a hoof to point at Vinyl’s hindquarters. “It’s all firm muscle from all that dancing she does, covered in a shallow layer of soft fat from all the sugar she eats and gives her a manic energy that can let her go all night long.” Fleetfoot had frozen solid at my words, her mind clouded with what must have been a very vivid mental image. I leaned over to whisper into her ear and said, “Plus, she’s also into mares.”

Fleet’s wings shot up as I stepped aside to avoid them (1). The mare quickly realized what her wings were doing and spoke in stunned gibberish, “what, uh, why.” As soon as she saw the amused look on my face she leapt into the air and hovered in front of my face. “Who are you and what are you doing up here!” she yelled at me, trying to cover her embarrassment by shifting attention to somepony else instead. She reminded me of Rainbow Dash, I suppose all high flying pegasi have ego issues.

“I’m Time Turner, Vinyl’s ex-coltfriend.”

The wind died in Fleet’s wings and she came crashing down. “I wasn’t looking. I swear I want nothing to do with her.”

I laughed lightly. “Filly, you have it bad for her. I could see how your tail was moving to every beat from Vinyl’s music and how your wings twitch whenever she danced. It’s fairly obvious.” Admittedly the signs were less obvious than I said, but I knew what I was looking for. Catch had told me earlier that a member of the Wonderbolts had a crush on Vinyl, and Fleet was the only member watching her constantly.

Fleetfoot’s wings drooped, I couldn’t see her face through the suit so it was the only sign I had that she was depressed. “It’s not like she’ll ever notice me, I’m just a wonderbolt, nopony special.”

“Uh-huh,” I said sardonically. “Because being selected out of the academy’s seasonal intake doesn’t mean you’re a talented flier.”

“It’s not enough,” she said as she flopped to the ground.

I rolled my eyes. The problem with egotistical ponies is that when something does break through their ego, it will break them all the way. What Fleetfoot needed was a kick in the plot to get her moving again.

“You want to get Vinyl’s attention? I’ll tell you how to get her attention.” Fleet looked up toward me. “Vinyl, likes spontaneity. She lives in and for the moment, do something awesome and flashy to get her attention.” I pointed a hoof out toward the crowd, “Go out there and give the best show of your life.” I raised my voice to sound inspirational, “Destiny knocks, Fleetfoot. This is your opportunity, get out there and show Equestria what you can do!”

Fleet shot up into the air. “I can do this!”

“You know you can!” I encouraged.

“I’ll do it for Vinyl!”

“Do it for yourself!”

Fleetfoot gave a primal yell and charged out over the crowd, a streak of blizzard following her. “This is going to end spectacularly,” I admitted out loud. I quickly nipped backstage to find out what fireworks Octavia and Catch were able to get set up.

I found a frantic pace of activity, the stage ponies were setting up the last of the fireworks and Octavia was sending written messages out to Vinyl through a scrying glass. Catch hovered behind her, waiting for me.

“Fleetfoot agreed, she’s out doing another performance,” I said as I walked up to Octavia. I left out the part where Fleet was doing this in the vain hope of fulfilling her crush on Vinyl, telling Octavia that would be tantamount to asking Octavia to hit me with her cello again.

“Vinyl noticed and she has already changed to music to match.” Octavia put another sheet of notepaper on the scry-glass. “Unfortunately we do not have the normal pyrotechnic display ready for her.”

I rolled my eyes, “Typical, what do you have left then?”

“The only display we have left was the one I planned to use during the sunrise.”

“That’ll do, it’s not like we know when the sunrise will come anyway.” I looked at Octavia’s management table. “Where’s the fire button?”

A slight smile crossed Tavi’s face, “Turner, you know Vinyl would never let anypony else trigger ‘the fun stuff’ when she performs.”

I brought a hoof to my face. Vinyl’s special talent might be in music, but she always had an unhealthy fascination with pyrotechnics. Those glasses of hers have saved her eyes from more than a few misfires.

“I’m going out there. let Vinyl know I’m coming.” I heard Octavia scribble something quickly on paper and slapped it down on the scry-glass as I walked away.

---

I slipped under the curtain at the back of the stage, right behind Vinyl. As I crept up onto the platform next to the DJ she turned her head to look over her shoulder at me, somehow able to hear my hoof steps over the loud music. Vinyl’s face took on her default death glare as she recognised me, a slight twitch in the music signalled her displeasure.

“I’ve missed you too Vinyl.” I stepped up to the platform alongside her and looked down at her side of the scry-glass. On it was the image of Octavia’s note reading “Be nice”. I looked back at my ex-marefriend with a smile and saw that she was still glaring at me. I guessed that was as nice as she was going to be.

“Alright here’s what’s happening,” I started to explain. “Fleetfoot is out there getting the audience’s attention, once we have it back on stage I’ll let everypony know why the sun is running late. What I need for—“

“Wait, the sun is running late?” Vinyl interrupted.

“Yes Vinyl, it was supposed to rise fifteen minutes ago.”

“Really?” Vinyl was clearly more shocked by the fact that night had gone by so fast, rather than it not having ended yet.

I sighed, “Alright Vinyl, we have one more set of rockets to fire. I need you to fire them when Fleetfoot reaches a good spot in her routine.” Vinyl’s attitude improved when I mentioned the rockets, moving from death glare to mildly contemplative. Nothing mental could be considered more than mild when Vinyl was involved.

Vinyl looked up at Fleetfoot’s acrobatics. “It’s the same routine from earlier, best time is to fire the rockets as she passes over the stage for the Fantastic Filly Flash before she finishes.”

“Here I thought alliteration was a unicorn thing,” I muttered. “Alright Vinyl,” I asked in a louder voice, “let’s pretend the earth pony has no idea what that means.”

“She’s going to fly low over the stage and then over the crowd close enough for them to feel the wind in their manes,” Vinyl elaborated. “Haven’t you ever seen the Wonderbolts?”

“Never really had the chance,” I replied. I haven’t actually seen them perform but I did manage to get up close to them once when I was paid to get a lock from Soarin’s mane. I’ve avoided going to shows since on the off chance one of them might recognise me.

“You need to get out more,” Vinyl chastised.

‘You have no idea,’ I thought as I rolled my eyes. “There’s one more thing, Vinyl.”

“What?”

“Fleetfoot’s dedicated this performance to you.” A wide grin crossed my face. “How does it feel to be famous? I ignored Vinyl’s attempt at a witty retort and focused on the solitary wonderbolt in the sky. Fleetfoot flew at high speed across the sky, white snow clouds trailing in her wake to form patterns.

It was working, mostly. While most of the crowd had stopped worrying long enough to enjoy the air show there were still several groups spaced around talking between themselves. The groups certainly looked worried and they needed to be shaken out of it. Right now I just had to hope that Fleetfoot and Vinyl could get their attention on the stage long enough for me to calm them down.

“Alright here we go,” Vinyl said, charging her horn as Fleetfoot flew high into the air above the stage. The wonderbolt turned and flew directly down toward the stage, doing her best to put on as much speed as possible. If she misjudged this she could crash into the stage with enough force to break every bone in her body. Nopony has ever said a wonderbolt’s life was easy.

Vinyl fired the rockets as Fleetfoot approached, a spectral cone surrounding her approach. The rockets flew directly toward her as Vinyl gave them subtle nudges with her horn. Then the rockets exploded right in front of Fleetfoot.

We’d made a terrible mistake, the fireworks hadn’t been intended for an air show but to farewell the night and created a cloud of fire. Fleetfoot flew through the cloud of light and fire at near supersonic speed. She came out on fire, a streak of flame replacing her cloud trail as she flew over the crowd and back up into the sky to explode in a flash of light.

The crowd was stunned, panic forgotten as they stared in horror at what just happened. My mouth had fallen open and I was fairly sure Vinyl’s expression mirrored mine, she’d stopped mixing her music.

As the flash cleared we saw a trail of smoke spiralling down to the stage, eventually I could make out a Pegasus with a charred blue coat and a much shorter white mane. Fleetfoot was alive and apparently still able to fly, landing on the stage while giggling madly to herself.

“Vinyl, amplify my voice,” I asked and Vinyl’s horn lit up. I stepped forward to help the scorched Pegasus, standing unstably on her feet and laughing madly. Her flight suit had burned away but her coat been mostly unscathed while most of her mane and tail were still there. The loss of the suit changed things; she wasn’t “just another wonderbolt” anymore, now ponies could actually see that she was Fleetfoot of the Wonderbolts.

I brought up a hoof to gesture grandly toward her and spoke out to the audience, “Fillies and Gentle-colts, I give you: Fleetfoot!”

The audience erupted into cheers, many called out her name as they showered her in glory. Fleetfoot basked in the attention, waving out to the audience as she cried tears of joy.

I lowered my voice to the barest whisper and Vinyl’s amplification spell made it so only Fleetfoot could hear me over the crowd. “Congratulations Fleetfoot, you’re famous. Everypony in Canterlot is here and they’ll be talking about this for weeks.” Soon she could barely keep herself standing and sat down near Vinyl as I strode forward to make use of the crowd’s attention.

I considered my words carefully, there was no way in Tartarus to hide the fact that the sun hadn’t risen today nor could I properly convince ponies not to think about it. Though there was one thing that could work in my favour, I doubted there was a single pony in this crowd that didn’t have faith in their princess.

“Good morning Canterlot!” I called out. “Welcome once again to the Summer Sun Celebration.” I changed my voice to a slightly more serious tone, “As many of you are no doubt aware, Princess Celestia has not yet raised the sun.” The crowd began to mutter among themselves, stirring themselves once again into panic.

“Vinyl,” I prompted and the DJ released the loud screech of a pickup needle crossing the record. This got the attention of the crowd again.

“Now, you all could stand there, panic and worry yourselves into a coma.” I switched to a stronger tone and said, “But that won’t help anypony, will it‽” A few ponies shook their heads.

“You all know Princess Celestia,” I swept a hoof to gesture to the entire crowd. “She’s kind, generous and honest sometimes. I dare you all to find a single pony in Equestria that cares more for her subjects. Now,” I slammed my hoof against the stage. “I have no doubt at all in our princess, she’s smart and I’ve never heard of a riddle she couldn’t answer. So do any of you think that she hasn’t planned for this? Is there a problem our Princess couldn’t solve?” I turned my head toward Fleetfoot and asked, ‘What do you think Fleetfoot?”

“No,” she said emphatically.

I looked back to the crowd and spoke with my amplified voice, “She said no everypony.” I turned my head to face Vinyl this time, “What do you think, Vinyl. Is there a problem that Celestia herself couldn’t solve‽”

Vinyl amplified her own voice, “Buck no!”

I reared myself up and stretched my legs out in suitably dramatic stance and asked, “What do you think, Canterlot‽”

“No,” they said back.

“It’s seems the music was too loud, because I didn’t hear that!”

“No!” They yelled back louder. I stood and smiled for a moment, I’d wanted to say something like that for years.

“Do you all faith in Princess Celestia?” I asked.

“Yes!” they answered.

“Good!” I said as I returned myself to the ground, ignoring the pain I had in my back all night. “It seems you don’t have anything to worry about, because our immortal princess has a plan.” I strutted across the stage, “I don’t think the princess would want you to worry about her, she would want you to enjoy yourselves and be happy.” I stood next to Vinyl on her platform. “I seem to remember this party was going to continue until sunrise, I don’t know about you lot but I can’t see the sun.”

I turned to my ex-marefriend, “Hit it, Vinyl.” If she was uncomfortable with me yelling at her with an amplified voice, she didn’t show it and started her music again with dramatic flair. I always figured she was on the edge of going deaf anyway.

The crowd started to dance again, getting back into the swing of the party. I could tell they were still worried, but at least for now they were content to party for the rest of the night. I suppose I had enough faith in Celestia myself to believe she’d fix things soon.

I made my way off stage, leaving Vinyl to her music with the weary Fleetfoot getting a front row seat. Neither seemed to notice my disappearance, nor did the crowd pay any more attention to me, and I was fine with that. When I turned the corner I found a private applause from Octavia and Lucky Catch.

“Bravo Time Turner,” Octavia congratulated. “I cannot say that I expected this to go nearly that well.” Catch simply stepped forward to nuzzle me.

“It will only last a little while,” I said. “Soon they’ll all start getting tired and head to bed. If the sun’s not back when they wake up then there’ll be a panic.” Octavia nodded, I could see the rings starting to form under her eyes. She had been awake all night to see the sunrise, like most ponies in Equestria (2).

“I expect you are correct, Turner,” she nodded. “I suppose the best we can do now is have a little faith.”

“I think we’ll be just fine,” Catch added as she briefly took her face out of my mane.

“Huh, that’s weird,” Octavia said as surprise crossed her face.

‘What’s weird?” I asked.

“I thought we already used all of the dry ice for the fog machine.” I looked over my shoulder, and Catch, to look at the fog spreading from the side of the stage as it flowed toward us.

“Hang on…” I said as the mist began to coalesce into a smaller cloud and began to take shape. A paw stepped out of the fog as it all drained into the form of a large Panther.

It walked toward me until it came to a halt right beside me and Catch. A slight gust of wind crossed my back as the Panther of the Bluebloods sniffed me and began to growl.

---

Luna’s Notes:

(1) The motions of Pegasi wings include a large number of involuntary “tells” that exist in addition to the regular pony body language. It’s possible to read the emotional state of a Pegasus entirely by observing the position of their wings and feathers. Between pegasi the reading of each other’s emotional state is an inherent part of any conversation whether in flight or on the ground. As Time Turner notes, it can be difficult for non-pegasi to understand their body language without a detailed introduction. However a few specific wing tells are widely known in popular culture.

(2) Our sister is reluctant to inform us as to the origin of this tradition. During the eve of the Summer Sun Celebration the majority of the population of Equestria will stay awake for the entire night in a vigil to last until the sun rises once more. Inevitably this leads to an all-night celebration. Despite all that has occurred since our return we are still reluctant to ask our sister as to why. It could be a gesture toward celebrating and enjoying our night, or perhaps a watchful vigil against it. We hope that it is the former.

Comments

[Puzzle Reader]

Heh, wingboner.

Time Turner's plan for the audience was MAGNIFICENT. He wove in a Wonderbolt's crush, and I especially love the bit about the party going to go until sunrise. It took something worrisome and turned it into a reason to keep partying.

[SelfLoathingChimera]

This makes me worry what would happen if Time Turner ever obtained a seat of power. He's clearly a master of manipulation on a large scale.