Time Turner's Discordian Detective Agency: The Panther of the Bluebloods

by Rodinga

Chapter 5: Stallions of Letters

There was a loud series of bangs from inside the room.

I rolled over with a groan, the cold floor of the balcony gave me little comfort as I woke up. I had spent the entire night outside watching the Panther through the telescope and just like me, it hadn’t moved from that spot on the balcony for the rest of the night. I rolled myself over onto my hooves and stood up with a wobble, my entire body aching from spending the morning sleeping outside on the balcony, with only a pillow.

I looked around as I staggered inside, my ears flicking in pain as the next series of thuds came from the suite’s entrance. A quick glance at the bedroom door showed it was still closed, Catch had gone inside during the night to sleep in the princess sized bed. In hindsight I should have joined her, because now my back was killing me.

The pounding on the door became heavier and I could hear muffled shouting. I stumbled over to the door, ready to shout back at whatever ass was knocking on my door. I kicked the door open to reveal a squad of four royal guards, led by a guard lieutenant who looked strangely familiar.

“Time Turner: you are under arrest for fraud. Do you have anything to say in your defence?”

I blinked twice and then simply said, “reset.”

I was still crossing the room when the reset stopped and felt a mild thrill of panic that did wonders to wake me up quickly. I crossed over to the bedroom door and went in to find Lucky Catch still sleeping in the bed.

I went over and shook her awake.“Catch, wake up.”

“Timey can’t you let me sleep in,” she spoke through a yawn. “This bed is just so comfortable.”

“Catch, there are guards outside. Pack your bags and take down the telescope,” I instructed. “They’re probably here to arrest us and take us to the palace.”

“What have we done?” Catch asked with a note of panic in her voice.

“No idea, but I’m going to find out.”

The same adrenalin that had shaken me out of my stupor, now worked for Catch as she started to grab her things from around the room. I marched over to the door to buy Catch some time to pack our things up.

I opened the door to reveal the impatient royal guards and their leader. “If you’re here about the noise complaints, then tell that mare she doesn’t appreciate real music.” I leaned against the door. “Seriously if she doesn’t like classical music, then she’s living in the wrong city.”

“Time Turner: you are under arrest for fraud. Do you have anything to say in your defence?” the Lieutenant parroted the same speech from last time.

I looked up and down while making a show of trying to place his face, “Shining Armour, right?”

The guard narrowed his eyes and spoke with a harsh tone. “Lieutenant Shining Armor. Last night you charged this room and expenses to Prince Blueblood the Fifty Second, to the sum total of six hundred and forty seven bits. The charge against you is defrauding a member of the royal family, how do you plead?”

“You know it’s actually pronounced Armour, with the ur sound at the end.” I pointed a hoof at the engraving on his nameplate that spelt “Armor”. “So your nameplate is missing a ‘u’ after the ‘o’ there.”

“It’s spelt properly, it’s my name, I should know,” Armour replied unamused.

“Yet, you still say Armour, complete with the ur sound at the end,” I countered using a deliberately patronizing tone. “Not Armor with an or sound at the end.”

“That doesn’t matter to me, because I’m here to escort you to the palace,” Armour said firmly.

An incredulous look crossed my face, “no I’m not, not while this travesty of good grammar still exists.”

Frustration crossed Armour’s cool exterior, it’s like somepony had never spoken back to him before. Righteous types like him are never wrong, and if they are then reality simply has to change.

“Why does this even matter to you?” Armour asked tersely.

I brought a hoof to my chest in mock shock. “Sir of course it matters to me, I am from Trottingham: the home of Spear Carrier, the greatest bard who ever lived. Haven’t you heard the play Macintosh? Or even Hamlet, the story of the young boar who avenges the death of his father at the tusks of his uncle?”

I snorted and continued my righteous tirade. “These classics of literature were created and first performed in Trottingham, where we honour the written word and its proper usage. Even though you Canterlot types have dropped the u from so many words, just to save time when setting movable type in presses.”

Armour’s face was now a mix of frustration with anger starting to creep in, his eye was even starting to twitch. With a bit more effort I bet I could drive him into an apoplectic fit of impotent rage.

Then Lucky Catch appeared behind me with a cheerful smile on her face, “I’ve got everything packed up, I’ve got your saddlebags right here.” She lifted the brown bags onto my back. “And your fedora,” she said, before placing it carefully on my head.

“Thank you, Catch. I believe these fine stallions are escorting us to the palace,” I said with a smile. “Shall we?” Catch nodded and I led the way out as the two of us walked past Armour and his guards toward the elevator.

I looked over my shoulder toward the lieutenant. “Coming Armour? I thought you were going to escort us to the palace.” I was rewarded with a view of the young lieutenant as the blood rushed to his face and the twitch in his eye spread to his entire body, his mouth not speaking but simply mouthing half formed invectives toward me. I savoured the sweet vision of apoplectic victory as we entered the elevator.

---

The walk toward the palace yielded no more attention from Shining Armour, he seemed determined to ignore me so long as I followed. I still basked in my victory though, getting a rise from a guard was priceless.

“Timey,” Catch asked quietly as we walked together. “Why are we going with them?”

I shrugged, “There was only one way out of that suite and these fine gentle colts were standing in it. Unless you somehow had a way of growing Pegasus wings in a hurry, they had us bottled up.” Catch gave me an unsure smile. “Don’t worry Catch. I doubt anyone asked Blueblood about this, otherwise it wouldn’t have happened. They have nothing to charge us with really and they can’t hold us for longer than two days without the Prince or Princess saying so.”

The lieutenant led us to the Palace and along a downward ramp that led away from the main hall down into the mountain side. The Palace dungeons are rarely used and usually just provide temporary containment for a criminal until the Princess could work out a suitable punishment (1). Imagine my surprise when I found that the dungeons weren’t entirely unoccupied.

Armour turned us over the dungeon guard and he led us into a corridor with six individual stalls, three on each side. He locked me and Catch up separately next to each other, in view of the occupant of a cell on the other side of the hallway.

Inside lay a diamond dog with a mixed brown and white coat, he had been stripped of his formal vest but retained the demeanour that came with it. “So what brings you to the dungeons to join poor Ruff? I take it that my master has forsaken you as well.”

“No just a misunderstanding with the guard, I’m innocent,” I replied in a jovial tone.

“I believe I have read somewhere that all ponies insist they are innocent when locked up,” Ruff said with a suffered sigh. “I suppose it’s more believable from a pony than a dog.”

“Why are you here,” Catch asked. “I thought you were Blueblood’s servant.”

“The guards raided my hoard.” Ruff explained and he threw himself onto his cot. “Apparently somepony told them that I was stealing gems from my master. The ones that they claim were stolen, were all paid to me as part of my service to the master and earned by my effort in his name. He claims that he never paid them to me and that I had stolen them, so now I wait here for the celestial one to dole out justice.”

“When were you arrested? I asked. I thought Celestia was quick to judge in these situations.”

“This morning as I woke to fetch breakfast for my master, the delay has been caused by the celestial one’s preparations for the celebration tomorrow. It is likely we shall be stuck here until they conclude tomorrow afternoon.” The dog laid on his bunk and stared at the ceiling.

Thinking on these words, I leaned against the bars of my cell in an attempt to try and see Catch. “Catch come over here.”

She came over to the edge of her cell, separated from me by the marble stone wall. “Are we going to have to wait as long as he says?” she asked me through the bars quietly.

“Armour’s in no rush to fetch Blueblood for us,” I explained, including a roll of my eyes she couldn’t see. “We might be stuck down here for longer than that, even if we’re entirely innocent.”

“So how do we let him know?”

“We’ll probably have to get out of here first.” I tapped a hoof against the bars in thought.

“How can we do that?” she hissed back. “We’re locked in here with a guard outside.”

“A lone, bored, inept guard. I think I can deal with that.” I started to make a plan.

---

The guard walked into the hallway following the sound of laughter, his white wings were held at his side and probably itching to be used.

“… so the bar-mare says, ‘of course, do you think I would have married him otherwise?’” Catch broke out in laughter again and I followed by chucking at my own joke.

The guard eventually arrived and stood across from our cells, we stopped talking under his gaze. “Don’t stop on my account,” he mentioned before returning to his alert stance right across from us.

I took the guard’s advice and continued.“Alright Catch here’s a riddle: ‘You buck a purple rock into a yellow river, what happens?’”

Catch hummed over it for a minute, “It turns brown?”

“Nope,” I replied in my best Big Mac impression.

While Catch thought over it the guard answered it instead. “It makes a splash.”

I nodded at the guard. “Correct, alright here’s another: ‘Say my name and I disappear, what am I?’”

“Silence,” the guard answered without hesitation. “That’s a popular one amongst the guards.”

“You’re good at this,” I complemented the guard, “Here’s another just for you:"

"Every dawn begins with me,

At dusk I'll be the first you see.

And daybreak couldn't come without,

What midday centres all about.

Daises grow from me, I'm told.

And when I come, I end all cold.

But in the sun I won't be found,

Yet still, each day I'll be around.”

The guard thought hard on this one, the only sign of the thoughts crossing his mind was the movement of his eyes as he tried to figure it out. “Princess Celestia,” he answered.

“Not quite but a good guess, the answer is the letter d.”

The guard stamped a hoof against the ground and shook his head, A wide smile crossing his face. “Alright tell me that one again, I want to try that one on the other guards. I don’t think anypony will get it.” I did as he asked and retold him the riddle so he could commit it to memory.

“Thank you, now I have one for you,” the guard mentioned and I nodded to let him start.

“My days are in the summer,

Where battles tough are fought.

But when you find me in a fight,

It will be high in the sky

and if you catch me napping,

I suggest you let me lie.”

I thought about this one for a while but it continued to elude me. Eventually Catch chimed in, “It’s a dog.”

The guard nodded in response, “well done.”

We sat like this: joking, telling riddles and occasionally stories for the better part of an hour. Eventually Catch’s stomach growled and reminded me that we had missed out on our breakfast.

Our guard moved toward the door. “I was supposed to arrange your lunch a while ago, so I’ll just go find out what the kitchens have for you. I’ll be back soon.” The guard left the hallway as Catch and I waved goodbye.

We waited several minutes for the hoof steps to fade into the distance. Once he was gone I looked over at Ruff, “Did you get them?”

“Of course,” the diamond dog held out a ring with a set of keys. “Thank you for keeping him distracted. I must say that I enjoyed those riddles he told, especially that dog one.” Ruff used the keys to open his door with a few deft movements of his paws. Once out of his cell he came across to open both Catch’s and mine.

“Thank you, Ruff.” I stretched my limbs out. “I don’t suppose you know a way out of here?”

“There is an entrance to the service passages ten pony lengths down the hall on the left once you leave the dungeons,” he combined his instructions with pointed gestures.”

“Alright one last thing before we leave, where’s my hat?” I asked as I started to look around. Armour was the good little guard officer and took my stuff away when locked us up.

“I think I saw a chest when we came in,” Catch said. “Over into the guard room.”

“Right,” I said as I walked out of the dungeon and into the guard post. Catch followed me and walked over to the chest she saw earlier. It was a rather simple wooden chest with a metal lock engraved with the word “evidence”. It didn’t even look particularly solid and I’d wager a swift buck from an earth pony would break the chest in half. As tempting as it was to test my theory, we did have the keys available. I called Ruff over to open the lock, reuniting us with our gear.

“That should be it, Ruff would you—“my ears flicked as a heard the sound of hooves approaching. “Everypony back into the cells.” We all returned to our unlocked cells as the guard returned. He trotted in with a large bowl held between his wings, containing a large pile of oats and a netted bag of apples hung from his mouth.

“Unusual to have so many ponies down here at once, this was the best we could do on short notice.” He set the bowls down before reaching out onto his armour to get his keys. “Hang on, where are my keys? I could have sworn…”

“You left them behind actually,” I admitted as I stood behind him. The guard’s head swung around and his wings opened as he turned to face me, shock turning to determination on his face.

I held out a hoof toward him, “Time Turner, Detective and currently employed by Prince Blueblood.” The guard raised an eyebrow and I continued, “There was a misunderstanding and I was wrongfully imprisoned.”

“Everypony says that down here,” the guard returned.

“Normally you would be right. In this case I have been accused of defrauding my employer by Lieutenant Shining Armour and he has arrested me without checking it with Blueblood first.”

“If you have a problem with Shining Armor you should make a formal complaint to the Captain, not break out of your cell.” The guard's voice became more strained as he bit at straws.

“My work for the Prince is time sensitive, I can’t wait for a complaint to go up the chain of command. If Blueblood knew I was down here he’d release me immediately. Once I see him again I’ll obtain a full pardon and make sure you are not blamed for our escape.” I gave him an unnerving smile. “I’m a specialist, so you couldn’t be expected to actually be able to keep me imprisoned anyway.”

The guard backed away a few steps, his rear hoof bumped against the bowl of oats and he started in shock at the touch. The guard cornered by somepony, who somehow managed to escape from his cell and isn’t even afraid of retribution. I suppose I may have been a little intimidating.

I changed my approach to be more friendly. “Well since you were so kind to bring so much food back, I suppose we can’t let it go to waste. Have a seat and we’ll join you for another game of riddles over lunch.”

---

The guard calmed down over our shared bowl of oats with an extra apple each. Despite not having an appetite for oats, Ruff was happy enough to share a few riddles from his own home with us and we took the edge off the guard as we progressed.

‘Alive without breath,

As cold as death.

Clad in mail never clinking,

Never thirsty, ever drinking.’

“A fish,” the guard answered and Ruff gave a nod to the guard for answering correctly.

“I never knew Diamond Dogs were so good with riddles,” I said as we finished another round. The bowls had all been emptied as we sat on the dungeon floor together.

“Normally we are not, “ Ruff admitted as he rubbed his paws together. “However as in the guard barracks, the servants also enjoy riddles that we tell to each other as we each await a mistresses’ call.”

The guard gave a nod. “It is the doing of the Princess, she enjoys speaking in riddles and testing us all with new ones as we escort her during her duties. No guard has ever yet managed to find one she does not know (2).”

“That makes sense, I nodded as I thought about it. “Now, I believe I should be getting back to what Blueblood is paying me for. You ready to go Catch?”

Catch gave me a nod and “uh huh.”

“It’s been a pleasure…” I stopped as I tried to remember the name. “Huh, I don’t think we actually asked your name.”

“It’s Corporal Iron Barding,” he said with a casual salute before holding a hoof out.

I bumped the extended hoof, “We should do this again sometime. If you’re ever in Ponyville, feel free to stop by.”

We stood to leave, but Barding held up a hoof to stop us. “I’m afraid I can’t let the dog go. The Prince himself ordered his arrest.”

Nodding in understanding, I turned to the dog. “In that case, Ruff. I can’t let you come with us either.”

“But I’m innocent,” he whimpered. “And I helped you get the keys.”

“But I’m working for Blueblood,” I replied. “It’s a conflict of interest for me to take you. But I can promise I’ll do everything within my power to prove you're innocent. Tell me where your hoard is and I’ll look into it.”

“The south tower, my quarters are beneath Blueblood’s royal apartment.”

I nodded, “I’ll do my best to get you released, in the meantime you can share a few more riddles with Iron Barding here.” Ruff said his thanks and returned to his cell, Barding also gave us a friendly wave as we left.

---

“I’ve never heard of somepony using friendship to escape a dungeon,” Catch muttered with a shake of her head.

“You say that like you’re surprised Catch.” I replied as I looked over my shoulder back at her. We were back in the service tunnels and traveling along the marked path that led to the south tower.

“Well, considering what a loner you used to be.”

I shrugged. “I blame Ponyville, since moving there I’ve been a lot more open. The place tends to rub off on you, I swear the most reclusive pony in Equestria could move there and become a social butterfly within days.”

Catch gave me a skeptical look. Of course I found out later that Twilight Sparkle, the unicorn that sequestered herself in an ivory tower of all places, was in Ponyville proving me right.

“Well I like the friendlier you,” Catch said with a smile before a thought crossed her face. “Would you have done the same if you were an actual criminal trying to escape a dungeon?”

“Do you think really think I would have deceived a poor guard with an offer of friendship, just to escape, if I were an actual criminal?” I asked in a scandalized tone.

“In a heartbeat.”

“You know me so well, Lucky Catch.”

---

As I expected, the trip to the south tower wasn’t interrupted by any member of the Royal Guard. Despite traveling the entire length of the Royal Palace through the service tunnels, we never once saw a guard patrolling them. It just goes to show that the guards are primarily there to be seen, rather than actually do anything other than hide the few competent guards in a crowd.

The traffic within the service passages was sparse once we reached the southern wing and we didn’t even see anypony once we started the climb the tower. The reason was made plain as we climbed, the main ramp outside was a gentle spiral but the service passage was a steep staircase. I supposed a biped, like a diamond dog, would have found it easier to climb.

“Why,” Catch asked between gasps. “Are you taking us to Ruff’s quarters anyway?”

I stopped on the next step to rest for a minute to breathe and talk to Catch. “Ruff was arrested, right now of all times. What do you think that could mean?”

“Uh, that Ruff is a terrible servant and stole gems?” Catch asked with a shrug. The kind of question asked when somepony doesn’t know what to ask.

“It’s too perfectly timed to even be a coincidence.” I rubbed a fetlock across my forehead. “No, I think somepony is trying to get Ruff out of the way, and I want to find out why.”

“Any idea who it is?” Catch asked with a tilt of her head.

“A few, though it’s probably better to narrow down the list.” I chuckled to myself. “If I start accusing somepony on a hunch other ponies will think I’m crazy.” I caught a cute look from Catch. “Well, unless I’m trying to get somepony to say something stupid, then I’m the good crazy.”

Eventually we reached the Ruff’s quarters located directly below Blueblood’s chambers, next to the servants entrance to the Prince’s chambers. We stood by the door and I looked at Catch, she gave me a nod. I opened the door with a swift buck, expecting a normal apartment but we were greeted with a stranger sight. Ruff’s quarters consisted of a single room that was entirely unfurnished, save a massive pile of gemstones. The gem pile had been compacted in places where Ruff had clearly sat and probably even slept.

“Wow,” was all either Catch or I could say.

“Does he?” Catch asked.

“Probably,” I replied.

“That’s… a bit weird.”

“Diamond Dogs, weird is probably understating it. You’d probably stand a better chance of convincing a griffon to give up meat then making sense of what a dog could possibly see in this (3).”

I sighed, “Alright let’s take a look around. I’ll go left and you take right, let me know if you find anything.” We started to walk around the gem pile, stopping occasionally to shift a few gems. I could name a dozen colours of stone, ranging from amethyst to zircon.

I shook my head in disgust, this pile was easily worth more than ten thousand bits. Ruff was just sitting on this hoard like a dragon, without even the excuse of being able to eat gems.

“Find anything yet Catch?” I called out.

“I don’t think so,” she called back. “What should we be looking for?”

“Anything out of place or a reason for Ruff to be arrested.”

“Apart from the pile of gems you mean?” Catch retorted.

I started to laugh at the absurd situation, it was like looking for a needle in a haystack. “Any unusual gems then?” I called as I scanned the pile again with my eyes.

“There’s the big one at the top,” Catch replied. I looked up, a large formation of pointed rock sat at the top of the pile. Curious, I began to climb the pile to get a closer look, struggling to make any headway as the gems I stepped on slid down the pile.

Once I was at the top, I took a closer look at the large formation. Unlike the rest of the pile it wasn’t a gemstone, but a large crystal formation with a couple of spires.

“It’s not anything special, Catch. It’s just a large piece of quartz.” One of the most common forms of crystal, milky white quartz isn’t very valuable. This kind of crystal was normally used in cheap jewellery or as a pointed surface.

Catch looked up toward me from the base of the pile, “Then why is it on top?”

“No idea,” I said as I considered it. The formation was on the best spot on the pile for some reason or other. I moved to push it down the pile but the gems beneath me moved and gave way. I caught a hoof around the crystal as I ended up rolling down toward the ground and struck my head against the floor.

Images swam before my eyes and as they came back into focus. I found I was no longer in Ruff’s quarters, I was outside looking at the sky while lying in a field of grass.

I turned my head to get my bearings and spotted something impossible. A familiar statue was beside me, sitting on the edge of its pedestal as it looked down into my eyes.

“Well, well, well, we meet again little colt.”

---

Luna’s Notes:

(1) Most criminals in Equestria are simply made to apologise to their victims, repay any damages and them perform some community service before their record is wiped clean. Serious crimes can result in banishment or, in the worst cases, they are simply petrified and/or sent to Tartarus.

(2) The game of riddles is older than us or our sister, and we have spent much time trading them between us. Our sister is unlikely to admit that her habit of sharing them with her guards is probably a method of coping with our absence.

(3) The reason for the Diamond Dog love of gemstones has never been fully explained. They persist in having an insatiable desire for them, yet they serve no practical need. This desire probably the same as a pony using gemstones for cosmetic value, only more intense in the case of the dog.

Comments

[SelfLoathingChimera]

"Every dawn begins with me,
At dusk I'll be the first you see.
And daybreak couldn't come without,
What midday centres all about.
Daises grow from me, I'm told.
And when I come, I end all cold.
But in the sun I won't be found,
Yet still, each day I'll be around.”

The daisy line doesn't really make a whole lot of sense. Someone mind explaining?

[CrystalWaters]

5324509
As you write a word you start from the first letter (usually) and the word grows with each letter added.
And so the word 'daisies' grows from the 'd'.

It could be said that a word grows from the first letter outwards.