In the Hour of Twilight

by Blue Dragon

Becoming Marefriends

Twilight groaned loudly. Today, she intended on studying animal anatomy—if only to assist a certain yellow pegasus with her daily work. But that was to be expected; Twilight always tried to lend a helping hoof when she could.

The first book was titled: Animal Anatomy Uncovered: a Vets’ Guide. She wasn’t entirely keen in learning this type of material, as she preferred much more…magical and factual books, but she wouldn’t let Fluttershy down. Even though something like that seemed absolutely impossible.

The unicorn opened the cover of the book magically and began reading. It wasn’t uninteresting, but it definitely didn’t catch her attention the way Starswirl the Bearded did. A little bit into the reading she realized that she would need a dictionary for some of these technical terms used.

“Spike!” Twilight’s eyes never wavered from the book as she called for her number one assistant. The baby dragon came bounding down the stairs immediately.

“Yes, Twilight?” He was entirely too cheerful to help her since the incident with Owlowicious. It wasn’t completely unwelcome, however.

“I need you to get me a dictionary.” The unicorn cast a sidelong glance at the purple dragon as he rushed over to a shelf. Almost immediately afterwards a rather large book was placed precariously next to the one she was currently reading.

“Thank you, number one assistant!” The lavender mare quickly flipped through both books, quick to find the definitions she was after. It occurred to her that Spike hadn’t yet returned to doing whatever it was he had been before being called upon.

“Uh…Twilight?” He called for her attention, in which she gave him an annoyed glance, “Why are you reading about animal anatomy?”

“Well, Spike...” She began her explanation. Twilight knew that Spike was still a baby dragon, and hadn't yet developed the ability to detect the obvious. “I am hoping to help Fluttershy take care of her critters. She hasn’t said anything about it, but I can tell she’s getting overwhelmed. And as a good friend, I know I should lend a helping hoof.”

“Today? ‘Cause I just saw her from out of the window.” Spike said matter-of-factly.

Twilight perked up in surprise and turned to him, “Really? Did she seem busy? I have been meaning to visit her recently.”

The book she was studying was surrounded in a magical aura and closed automatically.

“Uhh, it looked like she was just getting some stuff from the market.” Twilight rushed to the door and opened it magically.

“Oh wait, Twilight! Do you think that maybe I could go to Rarity’s for a bit?” He held his tail between his claws.

“Sure, Spike. Just be home by four, okay?” A look from the clock showed that it was indeed twelve o’clock sharp.

The young dragon bolted out the door just before Twilight left. The unicorn, with a light skip to her step, headed to the market in search of her timid friend.

It took quite some time to find Fluttershy, as her name came into play. She was shying away from a haggler trying to sell a cherry for ten bits. Apparently she had been attempting to lower the price, but ended up making it go even higher, at least from what Twilight could tell.

The unicorn swiftly came to the timid mare’s rescue. It seemed quite the heroic deed at the time. “Hey, Fluttershy!”

The yellow pegasus jumped and looked over to see who had addressed her. Fluttershy’s eyes immediately softened, “Oh, um, hi Twilight…”

“What’re you getting? A cherry?” The unicorn pretended that she didn’t know exactly what had happened. She didn’t want to scare away the already fearful pony.

“U-Uhm, yes…” She scuffled her feet.

“Ten bits. Are you going to take the deal or not?” The brown stallion appeared annoyed, but that proposition was simply too high.

“Ten bits for one cherry? I think that’s a bit too much.” Twilight objected, earning a glare from the male operating the stand.

“Ten bits; take it or leave it.” He urged.

“Five bits.” Twilight attempted firmly.

“Eight bits.” Twilight didn’t notice, but she and the stallion were leaning towards each other in a sharp glaring contest.

“Four bits.”

“Six bits.”

“Three bits, that’s as high as we’re going.” Twilight finished.

“Fine,” The stallion grumbled, “Three bits.”

Twilight smiled. She had never been very good at negotiating herself, but she was rather impressed at how well she did it for a friend.

After they were well away from the stand and the complaining brown stallion, Fluttershy articulated quietly, “Thank you, Twilight. I don’t think I would have ever gotten out of there if it weren’t for you.” She smiled to the unicorn beside her.

“Oh no, it wasn’t a big deal. I actually wanted to talk to you, but first things first… Do you have anything else you need to purchase?” Twilight looked over to make sure that the yellow mare was actually speaking or not—sometimes it was difficult to tell.

“N-No, the cherry was the last thing on my list. But um, ifyoudonttmindmeasking, what is it that you wanted to talk about?” A slight blush tainted her cheeks, but Twilight took no notice.

“It seems like you’ve been busy lately and we haven’t been able to see each other very much, so I wanted to help you.” The pegasus’s eyes lit up.

“Oh yes, that would be wonderful! You see, something in the Everfree Forest has been bullying all of my critters lately, and has even been hurting them. No matter what I try, they won’t tell me what it is though…” Tears welled up in the yellow pony’s eyes.

“It’ll be okay, Fluttershy.” Twilight found herself awkwardly patting the other mare’s back in a hopefully reassuring manner, and it seemed to work when the pegasus simply sniffled.

“You’re right, Twilight. But, um…are you sure you want to help me? It’s kind of far and youreallydonthaveto.”

“Yes, I’m sure. I’m your friend and it wouldn’t be right if I let you deal with all of that by yourself.” Twilight spoke in a comforting tone, and she heard Fluttershy say ‘thank you’ several times more than necessary.

The two walked casually next to each other and occasionally brushed sides. Twilight initiated a conversation consisting of Fluttershy’s animals and their condition, since she might have some knowledge as to what was happening to them. However, that was not the case.

The yellow pegasus seemed really emotional when talking about it, and more than once Twilight had to stop and give her a reassuring hoof. That always proved positive results, which was good for the unicorn.

In a few more minutes, they reached Fluttershy’s cottage. The timid mare went ahead and opened the door for the two of them, and Twilight was met with an appalling sight. Dozens of animals littered the floor on makeshift blankets, some with casts. Angel Bunny was running around, tending to his friends to the best of his ability.

“Oh, Angel, thank you for your help…I got you the cherry you really wanted.” Fluttershy reached into the bag and pulled out with the cherry’s stem in her mouth. She placed it in front of the picky bunny, who simply shook his head and pointed worriedly at the other animals. Look, he seemed to say, they are in pain. I can’t eat when they are like this.

Fluttershy understood, and gently placed the cherry back into the bag and put it to the side where it wouldn’t be in the way. Twilight, however, didn’t have a clue as to what communication had occurred. She didn’t like to see all of these critters hurt like this, either. “What can I do to help, Fluttershy?”

The yellow mare jumped slightly; she probably forgot that Twilight was still there. Fluttershy turned to her friend and spoke warmly, “You could um, help me get the animals to take their medicine…if you want to, that is.” The pegasus hurriedly spoke, afraid that she might have asked something she shouldn’t have.

“Sure, I remember when you tried to make Philomena better,” Twilight joked, and half a second later it occurred to her that Fluttershy would probably react negatively. As the unicorn started to panic, the pegasus simply smiled with an emarrassed blush.

“Y-Yeah, hopefully that won’t happen again.” Thankful that she hadn’t taken it the wrong way, Twilight moved to stand beside her timid friend.

The two ponies began working at a tiresome pace, trying their absolute best to relieve all of the hurt critters. Twilight couldn’t help but wonder what had attacked them—some had broken bones, others had claw marks, and the last few had fallen sick. The ones that were okay were doing their best to help out.

Several times Twilight had used her magic to give Fluttershy some much needed water, as the poor pegasus tended to overwork herself when it came to her animals.

After two wearisome hours of constant nursing, Fluttershy seemed content now that all of the critters were finally asleep—including Angel Bunny. Twilight didn’t know how the pegasus could do this day in and day out.

“T-Thank you for all the help Twilight, I really appreciate it…” Fluttershy whispered to her friend, lest she accidentally wake up one of her animals.

“It really wasn’t that big of a deal.” She waved a hoof dismissively, and a silence engulfed the pair. The yellow mare shyly pawed at the ground with one hoof.

“So…” Twilight wasn’t very good with social interactions, “Do you think we could take a walk?” She suggested. After all, today was the day Twilight dedicated to seeing Fluttershy every week: Friday. But over the past couple of weeks she hadn’t really gotten a chance to come to her cottage.

The yellow pegasus hid behind her mane and said something incoherently. Confused by her friend’s sudden strange behavior, Twilight furrowed her brow.

“Huh? I didn’t quite catch that…” Somehow, Fluttershy’s response came out even more muffled and confusing.

“A simple nod or shake of the head will do.” Twilight attempted. Sometimes her friend’s shy demeanor could be troublesome, but she wouldn’t change it for anything. She loved all of her friends for who they were.

Fluttershy moved her head slightly up and down, which the unicorn took as a nod. “Wonderful. But if you do have something you need to do, I’d be happy to help you. I just want to spend time with you.” The unicorn smiled genuinely, in which the pegasus blushed. Twilight figured it was the shyness getting to her again.

“No, a walk is okay with me. But I don’t want to get too far away from my animals…if that’s okay with you.” Fluttershy moved over to the door and nudged it open quietly. The two ponies began their walk around the Everfree Forest, but never actually going into it.

“What do you think is hurting all of the animals?” Twilight asked with a sidelong glance to the forest.

“I’m not sure…But I hope it stops soon, or I may have to go into the forest and um…” The pegasus gulped and had an expression of pure terror.

“If it does come to that, you won’t be alone. I’ll be there, and all of our friends, too!” Twilight found herself once again patting Fluttershy awkwardly on the back. The yellow mare actually leaned into it this time, so it was almost like a hug.

“Um…Twilight?” The timid pegasus spoke up suddenly. The unicorn looked over at the mention of her name, but Fluttershy’s mane covered the view of her face entirely.

“Yes, Fluttershy?” Twilight continued the formalities, curious as to what her friend was going to say. Perhaps she was going to ask her what she herself thought the bully was. Twilight was very wrong, however.

“Do you…um…Do you have a…crush on somepony?” The yellow pony ducked her head timidly.

Twilight blinked at the unexpected question. Maybe her friend needed some advice on love? Although the unicorn had absolutely no past experience on the topic, she would try her best to answer Fluttershy’s questions.

“I’ve never really thought about that before.” It was an honest answer. Twilight studied many different magical theories and history, but not once had she prodded the thought of love. It seemed almost as foalish as friendship back in Canterlot, but she hadn’t really ever put her and it together. Sure, there were a lot of couples around, but she was always too busy in her studies to notice why they were so happy.

“Oh…um, okay…” There was a little hurt in her tone, and that confused Twilight immensely. Why would that affect her? Did she think that Twilight couldn’t help her with her troubles?

“Do you?” The unicorn asked, withdrawing her hoof from around Fluttershy. The pegasus actually shivered—was it that cold outside? It’s only early fall, though, Twilight thought rationally.

Fluttershy stopped walking, causing Twilight to turn in bewilderment. The yellow mare’s expression was one of determination, as if she had gathered what little courage she had. But for what? They were friends, so she shouldn’t be that nervous around her.

“T-Twilight…Sparkle…” Woah, did she just say her full name? This must be important; none of her friends said the second part of her name unless they needed her full attention.

“I have a…um…confession I need to make. I’ve been keeping it for a long time and…I need to get it off of my chest…”
Utterly intrigued, her scientific mind probably kicking in more than it should, Twilight stared at her friend. She looked terribly anxious, but still held the same determination in her face. Fluttershy also seemed to be rather red in the face—was she sick from tending to the animals?

“I have f-…feelings for you.” The pegasus cringed and shut her eyes closed immediately; most likely afraid of how Twilight would react.

At first, the unicorn’s brain shut off. She wasn’t sure what Fluttershy was trying to say, really. It was a miracle that the timid pony’s voice hadn’t been completely unintelligible.

Twilight opened her mouth to reply, but nothing came out. Did she mean that she had feelings for her romantically? But that was completely illogical! Weren’t…Weren’t couples only mares and stallions? Twilight admitted her lack of knowledge on the subject, promising to study up some time.

But Fluttershy was still left hanging, and the pegasus’s shaking was becoming more obvious. “Fluttershy…” She put all the kindness she had into her voice, “I’m confused. For how long?”

Twilight used her hoof to lift Fluttershy’s chin back up. The yellow mare opened her eyes, but refused to look Twilight in the face.

“Since um, you and I had that sleepover…” Fluttershy blushed from the memory. Twilight had wanted to have her second sleepover with her other friends, but Pinkie had been busy helping Rainbow perfect some tricks, and thus didn’t make it. Fluttershy, being the Element of Kindness and having nothing else to do, couldn’t refuse.

“Forgive me for asking, Fluttershy, but what is love?” Twilight was stalling while her mind furiously worked out some sort of unforeseen solution. She hadn’t ever been confessed to, so she had absolutely no idea what to do.

“Love is that feeling you get when you meet the right pony. Sometimes you get butterflies in your stomach, or you get really nervous around them. They um, make you really happy, and even when they aren’t there you are thinking about them all the time,” Fluttershy spoke with surprising passion.

“…I’m not sure I should be your special somepony, Fluttershy. I might accidentally hurt you at some poin—“The pegasus lightly pressed her hoof onto Twilight’s mouth with an apologetic smile.

“N-No, don’t worry about the future. Right now, in this very moment, do you think you could be my…marefriend?” Fluttershy ventured a peek at Twilight, and she had light blush herself.

Twilight moved the pegasus’s hoof from her mouth so she could speak, “…I’d be willing to try. But I hope you know that having me as a…marefriend…?” Twilight wasn’t familiar with the term, “Will include a lot of organization, checklists, and studying.”

Fluttershy’s entire face and demeanor brightened. “Really? You said yes? Yay!” Before Twilight could react, she was in the warm embrace of the yellow pegasus and not even on the ground anymore. Fluttershy had gotten a surge of strength from some unknown location and was able to pick Twilight up. The unicorn decided that she’d have a lot of studying to do in the way of Fluttershy and relationships, but she was going to do her best if she was.

Comments

[Lucien Chance]

Interesting. I'm watching this now. Even better, I didn't catch any errors, and the characters stayed canon.

“Forgive me for asking, Fluttershy, but what is love?”

Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...
Bwahahaha!

Go on...

[werewolf435]

I read the title and was considering reading this... Then I read the discription and realized I'd have some kind of anuerysm if I did. Seriously, work on your word choice.

"has been bullying Fluttershy's animals to the extent of violence"

Is not something that inspires confidence, or the desire to read.
(Is english your second language?)

[Inky Swirl]

Like Manhattan's greatest friendly webslinging superhero, Inky Swirl flies from one fic right to the next to dispense criticism, for great JUSTICE!

1) Yup, I've Heard That Line. Beginnings are delicate creatures--they need love, and care, and eat a steady diet of uniqueness and interest. This was your beginning:

It was a perfectly normal day in Ponyville. The birds were singing, ponies were going about their day cheerfully, and Twilight Sparkle was studying. Yes, everything was in order.

Okay, you've established the weather, and what Twilight was doing. You even capped it all off with an affirmative, "Yes, everything was in order." Now, what is the problem with this?

The problem is that you are attempting to tell a story, and as such, your beginnings must adhere to that One True Law of Fiction: Tell the story. Our story obviously does not begin with what awesome (and typical, cliche) weather Ponyville's having--it begins where something becomes different. I suggest beginning with Twi reading, not with the sexy weather.

2) Hold On, Kids, I've Got to Point this One Out! Let's launch into where the story really (kind of) begins: Twi studying.

The first book was titled: Animal Anatomy Uncovered: a Vets’ Guide. She wasn’t entirely keen in learning this type of material, as she preferred much more…magical and factual books, but she wouldn’t let Fluttershy down. Even though something like that seemed absolutely impossible.

Woah! Why--hey! Did ya'll see that?!

She wasn’t entirely keen in learning this type of material, as she preferred much more…magical and factual books, but she wouldn’t let Fluttershy down. Even though something like that seemed absolutely impossible.

Good for you, kid! You've injected the narration with essence of Twilight, establishing her as our narrator and point-of-view character.

See, by adding the ellipse (...) before "magical and factual," you've made us aware that sentences like these are going to be in-tune with Twilight's thoughts and emotions. And then, you went ahead and confirmed it with, "Even though something like that seemed absolutely impossible." We know that's what Twilight is thinking or believes, even though it's not in italics (the universal standard for thoughts). Excellent! A lot of people screw that up royally, using a narrator to describe everything in a writer-y way, instead of filtering everything through the main character's thoughts and feelings.

And lookie here, you kept the train rollin'!

The unicorn opened the cover of the book magically and began reading. It wasn’t uninteresting, but it definitely didn’t catch her attention the way Starswirl the Bearded did. A little bit into the reading she realized that she would need a dictionary for some of these technical terms used.

You get a cookie for that.

3) Pullin' Weeds. Something simple a lot of people make a habitual mistake of is not cutting useless words. Observe:

“Thank you, number one assistant!” The lavender mare quickly flipped through both books, quick to find the definitions she was after. Briefly it occurred to her that Spike hadn’t yet returned to doing whatever it was he had been before being called upon.

Ask yourself--do we really need that "briefly" there? Consider how fast Twilight jumps to the thought--that alone informs us how brief it was.

And... ah! Here's another one:

“Uh…Twilight?” He sheepishly called for her attention, in which she gave him an annoyed glance, “Why are you reading about animal anatomy?”

We can guess that Spike's feeling a little sheepish from the pause ("Uh..."). And, if that's not enough for you, we can add an observation of how Spike might look when Twilight gives him that "annoyed glance."

Twilight shot him an annoyed glance. Spike lingered on the side of the stairs, one eye poking out from behind the wall.

Spike's actions in my example above illustrate that he's feeling "sheepish."

4) Painting By Thought. Here's another good example of how you can illustrate feelings and emotions without explicitly describing them:

“Well, Spike,” She took on a lecture tone, as she so often did while explaining something she found obvious,

Right after "Well, Spike," you explain why Twi takes up her 'lecture tone.' Instead, you could illustrate it with a thought, like so:

For all Spike's years under her wing, he still hadn't developed the skill for detecting the obvious; every speech had to be a lesson, should anything be misunderstood.

Not only do we now know why she's lecturing, we have a better sense of how Twilight thinks, as well as a flavoring for her personality.

5) Weed the Garden. Another instance of word-killing:

The book she was studying from was surrounded in a magical aura and closed automatically.

We understand what happened without the word, "from."

“Oh wait, Twilight! Do you think that maybe I could go to Rarity’s for a bit?” He held his tail nervously between his claws.

Kneading his tail with his claws is enough to let us know he's nervous. If that's not satisfying for you, let Spike hesitate before mentioning Rarity.

Cheerfully, the young dragon bolted out the door just before Twilight left.

We can suspect Spike's good mood by his action of bolting out the door.

The unicorn swiftly came to the timid mare’s rescue. Well, in her mind it seemed quite the more…heroic deed.

As we're already in Twilight's mind, we don't need a reminder; narrative perspective has been fixed to Twilight, so any opinions are hers, and we know that without question.

The yellow pegasus jumped in surprise and looked over to see who had addressed her. Fluttershy’s eyes immediately softened when she noticed it was Twilight,

Jumping when someone speaks is surprising, which we infer. We also infer that Fluttershy's eyes soften after recognizing Twilight, because she just "looked over to see who had addressed her." And we know it was Twi who addressed her.

“U-Uhm, yes…” She nervously scuffled her feet.

Act of scuffling her feet reveals she's nervous.

6) Perspective Fixing. You made a boo-boo, bub. Well--two, actually:

“Eight bits.” They didn’t know it, but they were unknowingly leaning towards each other in a sharp glaring contest.

"They didn't know it, but they were unknowingly leaning..." You've just said the same thing in two different ways--that's the first and most obvious mistake. The second one is a bit more subtle:

they were unknowingly leaning towards each other in a sharp glaring contest.

Earlier on, you established Twilight as the point-of-view character. By declaring that both Twilight and the stall vendor are unaware of their leaning, you've broken the perspective, taking it away from Twilight and giving it to an unseen narrator. This kind of 'perspective jump' disorients readers on a more subconscious level, breaking the illusion of the story; we were just looking at the world through Twilight's eyes, but now, we're seeing from someone else's? It can be jarring for the mind.

“Three bits, that’s as high as we’re going.” Twilight finished unyieldingly.

We know she's not yielding from the context.

Twilight smiled at her successful negotiating. She had never been very good at it herself, but she was rather impressed at how well she did it for Fluttershy.

We can guess why Twi's smiling, and her thought immediately after confirms our perception, so you don't need "at her successful negotiating." If you need the clarification, do:

Twilight smiled. She had never been very good at negotiating, but she was rather impressed at how well she did it for Fluttershy.

Good... but something's still wrong.

at how well she did it for Fluttershy.

There it was--the giveaway.

In a story like this, you have to be very subtle about how characters come to terms with feelings towards each other, and Twilight's happiness at negotiating so well "for Fluttershy" is an obvious sign that she likes impressing Fluttershy. It could be made smoother and more ambiguous (hard to tell she likes her) if Twilight's just happy to have helped out her hapless friend.

She smiled gratefully to the unicorn beside her.

Another useless word, due to context. You've got a lot of weeding to do, but you'll be able to catch them.

And with that, I leave you; there's more I can work on pointing out, but this comment's too long. Other than all that, a decent first attempt.

[Blue Dragon]

1484642
Aneurysm? Hm...
Well, I thank you for taking the time to point out the word choice errors, and no, English isn't my second language.
1484840
Oh wow, that's a lot of errors... I'll try to fix it up, and thanks for taking time to write such a long comment! Constructive criticism is always nice.

[RariTwiFan]

Really good start so far. I'm looking forward to reading chapter 2...right now!

[MysteriousStranger]

It's a good start, reading this made me realize that I could have written better the characters!
I love the way you write them!

[asylum1388]

This is difficult to read. Feels more like I'm reading a documentary than a story.

This happened, then this happened, then this happened...

It's cute, but it needs work.

[Lily Gingertail]

Wow that was very hart warming.
Love how in-character Twi and Flutter's was, very believable.
On to the next chapter, so far so good