• Published 4th Jan 2024
  • 3,619 Views, 249 Comments

Me, Myself and I - Cynical Page



Having a handful of humans stranded in Equestria is bad enough. Being the odd one out of the group for no reason... is even worse. How will Joey Belfort respond to this unfavorable circumstance?

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14 - Intervention

"I found you." Cadance whispered.

"P-Princess C-C-Cadance?? How did-? Why-? No!"

Joey instantly tried to struggle in her grip, but the alicorn was immensely stronger than she looked. Finally he gave up and submitted.

"Promise you're not going to run." she said softly.

"Wh-What?"

"Promise?"

"I - yeah. I promise." Joey said defeatedly. Cadance slowly released him and he got to his feet. When he turned to look at her, his lungs froze solid. Her eyes and bottom lip were trembling, not as if she were about to cry, but out of pure anxious fear. She seemed almost ready to pounce if he made another attempt to fall.

"I'm sorry..." she said meekly, staring right into his eyes. Those words took him by surprise. "So much has happened to you... you never deserved this..."

"Were you... were you that 'Lemon' pony from earlier?" Joey asked with a strained voice.

Cadance sighed shakily and nodded. "Once I saw that article I knew you were here... I caught you just in time..." She seemed like she was about to cry.

Joey deflated. As much as he resented all the princesses (least of all her, admittedly) he couldn't stand seeing her like this. It was so raw, so real... he had been so convinced that none of the princesses would reach out ever again...

He looked away finally, rubbing his arm. "I don't know what you want me to say." he responded quietly. His voice didn't even sound like his own. Cadance seemed to take this detail harder than he did.

She sighed. "I... I don't know. The Crystal Empire runs separately from Equestria. I've been out of loop, mostly. All I knew was that you disappeared overnight from Ponyville, and nopony knew where you were -" she paused to take a deep breath, swallowing miserably as she did, "- and Aunt Celestia and Luna weren't telling me anything. They said they were keeping an eye on you as best they could, but then I saw the article and knew I had to come here and at least look -"

"Cadance." Joey said shakily. "It's fine. Coming here was a bad idea. You have your own throne to run -"

"NO! IT WASN'T!!" Cadance exploded, stomping her hoof down. "You were going to throw yourself into the c-canal!! Do you really wish I hadn't come here!? Joey, you can't give up!! What would your father think!?"

"I don't know what he would think, he's fucking dead!!" Joey spat.

"Your father was a great bucking man." Cadance growled, making Joey hesitate. "You want to know how I can tell? You. The values you carry. Hay, you've even mentioned things your dad taught you when we met in Ponyville. Your character shows. Twilight has written about the way you handled yourself in Ponyville when nearly everypony was against you!

"You battled through it all, and the only pon- person you managed to hurt was yourself. You care about others first. You fought for so long and hard. So, please... don't give up... your dad would be destroyed to see you."

"You wouldn't know-" Joey began, but Cadance gave him a look that caused his sentence to die before it was finished.

"I would, Joey. I have a daughter. If I were put into your dad's shoes, and I saw you as you are now..."

"You'd be disappointed." Joey deadpanned at a near whisper.

"No." Cadance calmly replied. "I would be so heartbroken. To see your own child give up... no parent would ever, ever want that."

"Are you trying to guilt me?" Joey asked weakly. He was running out of excuses.

"I'm telling you this because your family mattered to you most..." Cadance said in a soft voice, pointing a hoof at his chest. "They're in here. They will never stop loving you. You're smart, so I'm sure you've heard it before - but that's the truth, Joey! It's a love that goes beyond the grave."

Joey bit his lip. She had a point. Imagining the look that would have been on his dad's face right now was extremely painful. He ran his hands through his disheveled hair as he desperately tried to hold it together.

"Joey...?" Cadance asked shakily.

"Y-Yeah... you're right, princess. My dad would hate this." Joey conceded, feeling a burning feeling behind his eyes. He forced himself to look up at Cadance once again. "I should respect their memory, yeah... but I don't have a family, Princess Cadance. I don't have anyone there for me. I'm alone. Everyone leaves me. They always do. They always lie. Why? Why do you ponies lie so much, princess...?"

The look on poor Joey's face combined with his words shattered Cadence's heart into a million pieces. Every fiber of muscle on the suffering human's face strained to hold back his pain, and even that wasn't enough to stop tears from leaking down his cheeks. He seemed so hellbent on keeping everything held back, and for whose sake?

It was the face of someone bracing themselves to be hurt again despite already being at the point of death.

"Oh Joey..." Cadance sighed as her own tears began to flow freely. "You don't deserve this..."

"B-But then what happens next?" Joey strained, sniffing. "We g-go our separate ways, and I go f-forgotten again. You might have stopped me from this, princess, but I c-can't trust you. I've trusted way too many times. No one was there for me when it c-counted. I'm alone. Solo. By myself. So please... sp-spare me the sweet talk. P-Please."

He let out a quiet sob. Just the smallest jerk of his head sent a mountain of sympathy and sadness falling down on Cadance's head. She approached him and once again wrapped him up in the warmest hug she could provide. "Shh. D-Don't worry, Joey. Just don't give up on us. Okay?"

"What do you want me to say?" Joey retorted sharply, struggling against her gentle hold. "Wh-What do I even do? I have nothing, no purpose. S-Stop it with y-your empty words!!"

"Come back with me to the Crystal Empire. Just for now. My husband and I will help you get on your feet. So please, come with me. You deserve to be loved, so come live with ponies who will make sure you know that." Cadance said, tightening her embrace.

"I c-couldn't -"

"Please. Do it for me." Cadance softly pleaded. "Or I'll drag you there myself."

She felt his body begin to heave. He made no sound, but she didn't relent. She didn't believe Celestia or Luna would have abandoned him, especially not when they were so gung-ho on helping him. Hay, Luna was probably the only princess who understood his pain. But if his need was greater right now than any court duty she could think of back home.

After his silent, deep heaving breaths slowed, he relaxed a lot more. "I-I'll go. I w-won't give up. Not yet, I guess."

Cadance released him from her grasp and gave a little squeal. "Oh thank Celestia!!! I'll send for living arrangements to be made in the castle!"

"The castle!?" Joey yelped. "No no, you don't have to go that far!"

"Joey, there are 26 total guest rooms in the palace. All they do is collect dust. I promise you are most welcome." she sighed with a smile, rolling her eyes. "Plus - I'll be able to keep a close eye on you. Since you are now in my hooves, I will not let you hurt yourself. Cool?"

The corner of Joey's mouth twitched upward. "I do. Thank you, princess."

Cadance beamed, and then turned. "Shall we?"

"I still have some stuff at my apartment... are we leaving now?" Joey asked hesitantly.

"I'll be more than happy to help you pack your things!" she responded happily.

As Joey stepped off the bridge. "No thanks, but I'd rather I did it by myself. It's... embarrassing in there."

"Are you hiding something~?" she teased, smirking.

"Like what? Pony porn?" he deadpanned. "Yeah, right."

Cadance was slightly shocked at how he managed to handle that so well before recomposing herself. "Then why is embarrassing?"

"That's... hard to answer, princess." he coughed.

Cadance scoffed. "I guess I'll see for myself when we get there! It can't be that bad."

"Hey, now wait a minu-"

"Oh! And there's only rule I ask of you if you're going to come stay with us." she interrupted as they continued their walk back to the apartment complex. "No more of this 'princess' title stuff. Call me 'Cadance'. Alright?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Hey! That's not any better!"


"Wow... this is... it?" Cadance asked, gazing across the mostly bare living space that belonged to Joey. "That -" she motioned to the mattress on the floor, "- is all you sleep on? Joey..."

"I kinda... I dunno." was all Joey could manage to say. "I kinda just..."

"Gave up." the pink princess deadpanned. "I know, but... this is really depressing, Joey." She looked back to see him sheepishly frowning at the floor. Smiling, she lifted his chin with her hoof. "I'm not making fun of you. I promise. Starting now, your life is going to get better. For starters, we need to get you some food. Don't even try lying, you are skin and bone."

Joey shrugged. He didn't really know how to respond to that, mostly because she was dead right.

"On the bright side, we can probably pack quick enough to catch the early morning train!!" Cadance said cheerfully. "Got a bag?"

"Oh yeah sure - it's over here on theeeWOAH!" He suddenly yelped, slipping on a piece of paper lying on the floor. He landed hard on his rear end with a grunt.

"Goodness! Are you okay?" Cadance asked, startled by the sudden action.

"Yeah, yeah. Ouch." Joey groaned. His eyes fell on the culprit, which was a single envelope. He didn't recall ever getting one, but for all he knew that might have been there for a while. He picked it up and stowed it away inside his bag.

Packing went insanely quickly, mostly because all Joey really had aside from a couple kitchen appliances and toiletries were clothes. Just like that, Joey found himself handing over the keys to his apartment (they gave him some extra bits for leaving the mattress) and now on what felt like a whim he was leaving with Cadance.

It was about three in the morning, and Joey had sobered up completely. Apparently he didn't have as much to drink as he thought. Hardly anyone was up and about, which was very understandable.

On the way to the station, Joey remembered something. "Hold on - what about my job?? Shouldn't I wait to tell him?"

"Mister Marble Moon is already vaguely aware of your situation." Cadance explained. "You see, I was half wondering how bad things were going to be when I found you, so I already had plans to offer you a home in the Crystal Empire. I managed to catch him before he closed shop. You might be a silent operator Joey, but that doesn't change the fact that you're the only human in Las Pegasus. Finding you once I got here wasn't that hard."

Joey had never once considered that fatal flaw in his plan. Then again, it was probably for the best. He would miss the old boss, but the job itself not as much. He still didn't want to burn any bridges, though.

It was no surprise to see the train station nearly completely empty aside from the odd office worker here and there. He assumed they were office workers, anyway. Joey watched them go by as he followed Cadance past the very surprised ticket master as he craned his neck to peer at them.

It was surely an odd sight, seeing the unlikely pair, so Joey mostly ignored it. He was still trying to wrap his head over everything that had been happening. Twelve hours ago he had just gotten off of lunch at his shift. He wondered how Marble was going to take the sudden loss of his valued employee. He felt guilty, and made a mental note to write a thank you letter as soon as he could.

A sign outside the platform read, Crystal Empire - Departing at 4:00 AM. Aside from a couple of staff assigned to the train itself, there wasn't a single soul around. Not even those traveling for business purposes, it seemed. He followed Cadance on board and observed that they would most likely be the only ones on the entire train.

"The train cars look bigger when nopony is here." Cadance yawned, taking a seat. Joey sat down across from her, thinking it would be rude and awkward to sit anywhere else.

He leaned against a wall, closing his eyes. Now that most of the excitement was over, a strong tiredness was sweeping through his body. Countless sleepless nights on top of the one he just had will do that to a person.

Cadance noticed this and smiled. She found it hard to believe that the Joey in front of her was the same strong-faced one that she had met in Ponyville. She couldn't help but wonder how he tried to keep this up for so long. To be able to go months on end of failure, especially right after being stranded AND outcasted here? The trauma this whole debacle would give him... well, that would be a problem for later.

For now, she just silently watched as the human repeatedly attempted to fall asleep. His chin kept sinking down to his chest, only for him to seem to jolt out of it. Normally this would seem like he was trying to stay awake, but he looked incredibly frustrated. Once again, Cadance's heart splintered at the sight.

As the train jolted to a start, she inwardly vowed to do what she could for him. She would have to do her princess duties, of course, but Joey needed somepony to stay by his side. Shining would undoubtedly help. He had shown curiosity about the human situation, and he also shared in Cadance's worries when Joey disappeared. The fact that Shiny would cover for her in her absence... her husband was one absolute force of nature.

Joey snorted, snapping her out of her thoughts. She looked up to see the human regarding her with raised eyebrows.

"What's up?" she asked.

"It looked like you were blushing for a second." Joey remarked. "Just staring off into space."

"Oh - was I?" Cadance giggled nervously. "I was just thinking of my husband, Shining Armor."

Joey made a Khaby Lame face and slowly nodded, staring back out the window. He didn't make a sound, just simply watched as the city skyline of Las Pegasus faded into the distance.

Cadance could no longer keep her eyes open, and drifted off to sleep.


A large bump in the train startled her out of her sleep several hours later. She blinked blearily, and one of her ears twitched in Joey's direction as he swore quietly. The morning sun was shining through the window as they chugged along, but it was still low to the horizon.

She looked up to see the human apparently sketching something in a small notebook. He had what looked to be some sort of portable computer on the chair beside him, and he was studying the screen. Mumbling to himself, he continued to scribble and swipe his pencil across the page.

"Good morning!" she yawned, stretching out her wings. "Have you slept at all?"

Joey looked up at her over his sketch and paused for a moment. He sighed and shook his head with a slightly disappointed look before returning to his task.

Cadance pursed her lips, feeling slightly guilty for dozing off while the human couldn't. She would have to make sure he rested before they got to the Empire. Then again, there would be plenty of time once he got there. Still, it wasn't healthy.

"What are you drawing?" she asked curiously, trying to steal a peek. It appeared to be a human with curly hair and a worried expression.

"It's a character from a human story I want to make a movie about." Joey responded simply. "Or at least, I hoped I could."

"What's his name?" Cadance asked, taking a seat next to him. She wanted to drive attention away from his pessimism. Now that she had a good look at the computer screen, she could see that he was simply recreating an image of the human based off of the image he had displaying there.

"Frodo Baggins." Joey replied.

"That's an interesting name. Is he the main character?"

"One of them. I'd say he's up there, but this particular story gives all the characters a whole lot of depth so it's hard to say."

Cadance hummed. "I see, I take it that the story is an interesting one?"

"You don't know the half of it." Joey continued tonelessly, as he began to copy the details of Frodo's shirt. "The author wrote it as a trilogy, and the world he created inspired pretty much the grand majority of the fantasy genre in modern times. The series was called The Lord of the Rings. I was hoping I could maybe show this world Tolkien's masterpieces."

"Tolkien? Is that the author's name?"

"Oh - yeah, sorry. Forgot to mention it." He yawned. "If I did recreate any of the movies though, I would absolutely try and cement the fact that it's still his legacy, not mine." He looked up at her quizzically. "If I did recreate the story, I wouldn't get in trouble would I?"

"Considering it's never been done in Equestria, definitely not." Cadance confirmed. "It sounds like you wouldn't take the credit for creating the story itself, which adds merit."

Joey shrugged. "I dunno... even if I did, I don't think ponies would be interested enough."

"Sounds like you've given this lots of thought!" she giggled. "Why not go for it?"

Joey shook his head. "It feels wrong. I dunno."

"How would you give this 'Tolkien' guy credit?" Cadance asked.

"Oh boy, I'd post his name all over the credits, movie posters, everything." Joey sighed. "Still, I'm not making the movies. It would be a completely foreign concept, and on top of that it would require a large amount of human actors. Doing it with ponies just wouldn't be the same, no offense." His eyes widened ever so slightly. "Shit. I've been rambling."

"No, no! It made me glad that you felt comfortable enough to share that with me!" Cadance insisted. "Really! It sounds like you haven't been able to do this for a long time."

Joey rubbed his eyes with a sigh and crammed his things back into the bag. He didn't say anything, but did try and stifle a big yawn.

"Some rest would do you some good." Cadance recommended. Joey slouched down and irritably rested his chin on a fist. Sighing, Cadance stretched a wing towards him. "Can I?"

Joey gave her a slightly bemused look, looking from her to her wing as if to say, can you what? She responded by letting the tip of her wing rest on his back, at which point he seemed to understand and relax a bit. She took this as a sign and draped the rest of her wing around his shoulders.

"Are you feeling overwhelmed by... all of this?" Cadance asked.

There was a pause, but then Joey nodded in response.

"I'm probably not helping you immediately by doing this." Cadance admitted. "I know you told me that you can't trust in anypony. This is to help you long term, though. The past several months have been calamitous, it's no secret, I can tell by just looking at you. I fully intend on earning your trust."

Joey huffed.

"Look, I could force you to follow my instructions. Throw you in therapy. Have you do all sorts of things in disregard to you. Listen, Joey, I want to do this the long way if that's what it takes. By the sounds of it, you've had your share of fake promises made to you. I'm not going to do that. I'm also not going to let you continue to ruin yourself, either. You're stuck with me, heh."

She looked down at him and he gave her a sideways look. A smile seemed to be fighting to escape his lips, but unfortunately lost that battle. Hopefully that would change. She pulled him a bit closer and looked over him and out the window.

Part of her was excited, but most of her was sad. More than anything, she was determined to help get him on his hooves. It may have been short-lived, but when he had explained all that stuff to her about the books he had a the briefest glint appear in his eye. She wanted to reach into the depths of his soul and fish it out for the light to see.

She felt a weight on her withers and looked down to see that Joey had slumped over into her side. Slow, rhythmic breaths. A blank, empty look on his worn out face.

He was finally sleeping, and she couldn't help but fight back some tears. She nuzzled her new dear friend and continued watching the Equestrian landscape roll past their window.