Indecision
I couldn't stop myself from moving. I'd been pacing in front of the doors to Princess Celestia's room for what felt like hours and it really didn't seem like I'd be stopping any time soon.
Back... and forth. Back... and forth. You know you can't do this forever, Twilight.
I was genuinely surprised I hadn't worn an indentation into the floor by now... or at the very least ruined the rug. The guards standing at their post down the hall had already given me at least three suspicious glances. I just did my best to ignore them, instead choosing to concentrate on the task laid out before me.
It had been a mostly uneventful day... after leaving Her Majesty and Starlight in the lab, I mean. Everything before that still felt like way too many things had happened in such a short period of time.
Learning how to better utilize my mana from Starlight.
Maybe even...
I shook my head, not wanting to even consider the possibility of... that.
Trying to find Sunset after she'd ran off on us.
The monster attacking me again.
Getting rescued by Princess Cadenza.
Speaking about going to the Crystal Empire with Her Majesty.
It was all so... overwhelming.
After all of that happened, I was dreading having to speak with Princess Celestia so I put the Sunset drama I'd yet to resolve on the back burner and headed to my room to make plans... or at least try to mentally prepare for my coming trip to my brother's soon to be home.
When I actually got a chance to consider the prospect, I realized something... disturbing. This
upcoming "vacation" could be a very dangerous venture, particularly for somepony in my position. Her Highness wouldn't be anywhere within my vicinity, and while I could call out to her no matter where she was, I didn't want to do that.
If that demon makes a decisive move...
In spite of the faux courage I tried to exude, I tended to hope that my mistress would
take notice whenever I was in any sort of trouble. I'd always pray she'd swoop in like a knight in shining armor to save me from any and all evils that might prey on me.
This would be the first time I'd be away from her for an extended period of time since I'd become her student... and that honestly scared me to no end. Still, I wasn't going to let her down.
Not again. I already failed once against Starlight. No matter what, I can't let something like that happen again.
Before I'd realized how much time had passed it was already later into the day than I thought.
Crap! I have to go see Her Highness!
I'd ran to the Princess of the Sun's room, hoping she wouldn't be angry because of my tardiness... even if we hadn't set a time to meet with one another. And now, here I trod for the past... I don't know how long.
Come on, Twilight. You can do this. You just have to tap the door a couple times.
I stared at the doors as I plodded in front of them, trying my hardest to fire myself up, but repeatedly failing to do so.
It's just Princess Celestia. It's not like when you were little you thought she was God or anything dumb like that.
It's not as if I hadn't spoken with her several times before. Not doing so would've been an impossibility, living in the castle with her and all, but I could not recall a single time when we'd been alone together. I wasn't sure what I'd say or do if that ever happened, and now that very situation was staring me right in the face.
I always showed the utmost respect to the Sun Princess while my mistress was around. If Her Majesty wasn't present to keep me in line... I didn't trust myself not to, at the very least, say something distasteful to my former... idol.
Yeah, let's go with that.
"Is everything okay, Miss Sparkle?" I stopped moving at the mention of my name. One of the guards had come down the hall, a look of concern -- but not for me -- on his face.
What? Think I'm gonna try and assassinate my mistress' only sister?
"I'm fine. Princess Celestia requested my presence. I'm just... preparing to speak with her," I explained, though I really didn't want to.
Satisfied, jerk?
"Very well," he smiled, though it was easy to see how hollow it was. "If you need anything I'll be at my post." His offer was just as artificial as his grin. I watched him trot away before turning my attention back to the doors.
Couldn't she have just told my mistress the particulars?
I groaned, moving this way and that again.
I knew for a fact she could have done so... but if Her Highness really did want me to put the past behind myself, I'd eventually have to speak with her sister about it. I wanted to do that about as much as I wanted to talk with my brother.
This is a terrible idea, Your Highness.
I had far too much respect for the Princess of the Sun to ever outright admit I hated her, but... If she were anypony else... I was certain I wouldn't hold that same reservation. She'd hurt me as badly as Shining Armor had... maybe even worse, but I wasn't so foolish as to think it was a similar situation.
Shining Armor knew me. He'd always known me. He was my brother. We'd spent years together, loving each other like only siblings could. He stared me in the eyes as he stabbed me in the heart.
Princess Celestia, though? She'd simply thought I was beneath her. To her, I was just a pony that couldn't pass the simplest of exams. She knew I wasn't worth her time or her attention.
That I wasn't worth anything at all.
The ugly thoughts were hard to keep at bay. Even a momentary lapse in focus could result in disaster, but I managed to force them out.
You are Princess Luna's only protégé. You are not-
WORTHLESS!
The demon's voice hissed in my mind.
"No! N-not... not again." I grabbed my head, the splitting headache already painful enough to make my entire body tremble.
"Not again... what, Miss Sparkle?" I jumped despite the voice behind me being so soft it was almost like the creature it came from had been whispering. Spinning around, I came face to face with Raven Inkwell, Princess Celestia's one and only aide. She looked genuinely worried -- a far cry from the guard before her -- the look of compassion on her face immediately eliminating the migraine I was experiencing.
"Uhm, n-nothing, I was just-"
"Are you... are you okay, Miss Sparkle?" she looked past me at the entrance to her boss's room. "I never expected you to be waiting here... not by yourself, at least." Her smile was filled with kindness, but it was easy to see through it to just how caught off guard she was by my presence.
I guess her assertion was true enough. I'd never even been to Princess Celestia's room by myself, much less waited alone to speak with her.
"Everything's fine. I was just uhm-"
"Waiting for Celestia to let you inside?" she trotted up next to me.
"No, I actually haven-"
"Is she not answering?" she tilted her head. "I can help you with that," she moved to push the door open, but without thinking I grabbed her foreleg. Her eyes widened in surprise, but she didn't resist me.
"Can you... can you just... give me a second," I nearly pleaded with her. I could've just ran away, could've teleported somewhere else entirely, but I knew exactly what my mistress expected of me, and knowing that, I was caught between a rock and a hard place.
"Of... of course," I let her go, allowing her to lower her hoof. Her expression was suddenly one of concern, as if she'd just realized I needed a lot more help than I was letting on.
"Th-thanks..." I sighed.
We stood together in silence for a lot longer than the second I'd asked for, both of us awkwardly staring at the doors. All that had really changed since my pacing a few minutes ago was my heart rate, which was now probably in the hundreds.
Do something, Twilight! You can't just stand here! You have to do something!
Trying to motivate myself was working about as well as it had been when I was all alone. That is to say, not working at all.
"I know we're not the closest ponies..." Raven finally broke the silence. "but... do you want to talk? About what's bothering you, I mean." she asked without turning her head towards me.
She was right. We weren't close. Ever since I'd come to live in the castle I'd kept my distance from her. To be fair, I'd kept my distance from anypony Princess Celestia had chosen to surround herself with, save my mistress, of course, but particularly Raven. She was essentially Princess Celestia's right hoof.
"Why?" I was genuinely taken aback by her inquiry. "Why would you want to?"
She's never shown any concern for me before... why now?
"Why wouldn't I?" she shifted in place. I think she was going to turn and face me, but thought better of it at the last moment. "You're clearly going through... something. Aren't you?" she finally gathered enough courage to turn towards me. "I'm here... and I do care," she laid her hoof on my shoulder.
I stared down at her hoof, the gesture appreciated, but utterly bewildering. Once she'd realized I wasn't going to reply or even move any more, she quickly removed her hoof, turning away in what looked like sheer embarrassment.
"I'm sorry! Was that too much?" She spoke, facing away from me. "I'm not usually the touchy-feely type, I swear. I just-"
"I'm worried about talking to her," I sat down on my haunches, locking my gaze on the door once again. I was nowhere near confident enough in myself to look her in the eyes. She was trying and that was enough for me to return the favor. Still, I lacked the ability to bare my weaknesses to a stranger so openly and retain any semblance of confidence while doing so.
She whirled around, a stunned look on her face. I glanced sidelong at her. Seeing just how surprised she was by my confession brought a small grin to my lips.
"That's... understandable, at least when you consider all the things the two of you have gone through." She took a seat next to me, looking forward as well. "I can only imagine just how tough it must actually be."
"You know about that?" I groaned.
"I've been Celestia's aide for a very long time, Twilight." She paused for a moment. "You... you tried to become her student more times then I can recall," she sighed.
So she knows about that too?
Now I really didn't want to talk with her. She knew way more about me than I'd initially thought. Not only that, but she was aware of my greatest shame. Sitting next to her now, knowing she knew what she did, made me feel absolutely pathetic.
"You know, Twilight..." she turned to me, a sad smile on her face. "I was really rooting for you."
"Y-YOU WERE!?" I was so shocked by her admission that I shouted at her. She giggled at my outburst, nodding her head her only response. "W-why!?"
"Anypony with eyes could see just how hard you were trying." She sounded... sad. "How much you really wanted it. All of your grades were flawless. There wasn't another candidate that ever performed better than you. I..."
A-all... of them?
I had always been under the assumption that I'd failed at some portion of the examinations.
Had that never been the case?
You're just not what I'm looking for right now... You still have such a long way to go... You still haven't matured enough... You are still lacking in other aspects.
Recalling her words, I finally realized what I had been too blind to see all this time.
I'd never failed.
I wasn't rejected because of any of the tests I'd taken, I was turned away because Celestia herself hadn't chosen me. It had never been about me or my aptitude or skills. It was all about her preferences.
"To this day, I still don't understand why you were rejected so many times. Year after year, it got harder and harder to see you get turned away. Even though you performed better than anypony else time and time again, Celestia said-"
I lifted a hoof, cutting her off. I didn't know exactly how to feel. I was so very angry at the Sun Princess for not picking me... for not wanting me, but... but I was relieved too... and it was all thanks to the mare standing before me. But I still couldn't understand why she was being so honest with me, now of all times, here of all places.
That doesn't really matter though.
"Thank you, Raven." I turned to her, a grateful smile on my face. "Really, it means a lot to me." She looked forward.
"I understand how you feel... not wanting to have to face all that sorrow again. All those negative feelings and emotions you tried to run away from coming back to taunt you. It can be... terrifying."
H-how does she-
"Twilight..." She turned her head to look at me again, a smile reminiscent of one of her boss's on her lips. "I'm not sure why you were waiting here, but there is one thing I know to be an unchangeable truth. Every single thing Celestia does is for a greater purpose that ponies like us may not be able to see. And..." She stepped up to the doors, placing a hoof gently against them. "You need to speak with her about what's troubling you." She looked my way, a hopeful gaze on her face.
She's right. It's now or never, Twilight.
I bobbed my head, still not sure if I was really ready, but certain I'd wasted too much of Raven's time.
She pushed the doors open, the two of us trotting into Celestia's massive room. Like a coward, I walked behind her, facing the floor as I tried to hide away from Princess Celestia's view.
"Ah, Raven! It took you a bit longer than expected." My heart pounded as soon as I heard the sound of her voice.
"Forgive me, Your Highness. I had to..." she came to a stop next to Celestia's bed. "help a friend with a problem." I remained behind her, almost as if I thought I could use her as a shield to protect myself from the Princess.
"Speaking of which," I heard the Princess shift on her bed. "Good evening, Twilight."
I shuddered at my name leaving her mouth. Raven took a step to the side, my hiding spot no longer that.
Calm down, Twilight. It's not a big deal. Just breathe. Just keep breathing.
"G-good evening, Y-Your Highness," I managed to get out after what felt like an eternity.
How pathet...
The demon's voice was barely perceptible, almost as if it were weakened, but it faded away even quicker than it'd come. While I expected it at this point, something was... off. There was no pain.
It's... gone?
For how long, I didn't know, but I could tell it was no longer a problem at the moment.
Now I had to deal with the real issue. I had to get better control of my emotions or risk losing myself like I had in front of my mistress. That would be a lot easier said than done.
"Erm, you requested my presence, correct, Your Highness?" I appreciated Raven's attempt at grabbing Princess Celestia's attention more than she could know. While it didn't seem to work as well as I'd hoped, the Sun Princess not immediately moving her curious gaze from me, she did relent after a moment of consideration.
"Yes, Raven. I've a response for Queen Cantata that I'd like you to send out as soon as you're able." The alabaster alicorn floated a letter over to the ivory unicorn who took it into her own telekinesis.
"Of course, Your Highness!" Raven nodded. "I'll do so now." As she moved to leave the room I wanted nothing more than to go with her, but I knew that wasn't an option.
"Oh! And Raven?" The Princess stopped the unicorn in her tracks.
"Yes, Your Highness?"
"As soon as you finish with that you may retire for the night," the princess turned her eyes back to me.
"Thank you, Your Grace." With a perfect bow to Princess Celestia and a sympathetic smile offered my way, Raven left the room.
And so it was.
One of my most dreaded nightmares had become a reality.
Princess Celestia and I... were alone.
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Face to face with your fears, eh Twily.
Only Twilight can save herself. Raven gave her an important piece of the puzzle that is her issues. Celestia has the most important piece. Only by solving the puzzle will Twilight find closure.
Ah! It does appear that you, Miss Sparkle, have gained some “appreciation” to a dear friend of yours, haven’t you, dear?
Okay… Hoof, I might be digging for something that doesn’t exist, but why does every new character suddenly become part of the love-web? Like, I understand this is probably just a concerned adult, but the tension here seems… off. In my opinion I’m just minesweeping without a metal detector so if this is actually the intention I’m gonna scream. (If you’re gonna say “No the aide is too old” don’t bother, you already got Luna and (possibly) Celestia into this mess lol.) (Also, I’m NOT against this, just funny that this keeps happening.)
Okay… So you’re telling me, that the 1000+ year old Alicorn princess, just didn’t even think of another alternative to help this clearly cunning student in achieving her dreams? Darn it, I hate politicians.
Me when a random assistant I never spoke to helped me more than a princess of the bucking moon who had experience in this field
.
Wonderful, kinda wish this chapter would also have the little conversation with Celly, but I’m a patient boy and I will continue to be as such (especially with this schedule, darn it you are fast.).
11742452
11742463
Wise post.
11742475
Correct. There is no attraction between Raven and Twilight. Look between the lines a little. Twilight is Luna's pupil. EVERYONE still holds them in a fairly negative light -- the guards treating Twilight especially poorly -- and as such, there is still fear there. Raven wants to help. She knows Celestia's desires, but Luna is still an intimidating force. The last thing Raven wants to do is make a bad impression on Twilight thus possibly creating more tension with Luna.
Or maybe... Celestia doesn't want to help Twilight. Guess we'll see.
Oh you thought Raven accomplished this? Think proximity more than conversation.
That convo is going to take a bit more than a little bit, lol.
11742490
Oh… So Alicorns are like, super OP. At least that’s what I’m getting from what you’re saying.
11742491
Celestia and Luna, yes. Celestia though, she tends to hold back. Look at what she did to Starlight for examples of what she's slightly capable of.
Luna is a destructive force that can fight with magic and her body for days.
Celestia is a brilliant tactician who never needs to fight because she's manipulating most everything for the world's improvement from the background.
I really like your headcannon actually, I don't often see the sisters as this overwhelming force that can't be beaten. (easily) I much prefer them to have the power, to push the 'sit yo ass down' button any time they want. But refuse to do so unless no other option exists, because how can a society mature if they're babysat constantly? Can't wait to see how you get Celly to explain her rationale, as to why she didn't pick Twily in this AU.
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Thank you for commenting and reading! I do very much love me some unstoppable sisters. I'm glad others like that idea sometimes too.
I'm enjoying the story so far
11744123
Thank you! That really means a lot to me, as well as the fact that you commented. I appreciate it!
Hey there! Sorry I've been neglecting your story for so long but I really wanted to wrap up my Halloween Batmare story and I couldn't bring myself to do anything else until then.
Now for the chapter. Well, that was a quite the revelation from Raven. Bet Twilight must be feeling pretty stupid now for all those years resentment she felt towards Celestia and her brother for a misunderstanding. Let's see how the conversation goes.
Reading on...
11753842
No worries. Completely understandable.
I'd be more of the opinion that Twilight is even more angry finding that out. She convinced herself she failed and was a failure to justify being rejected. She hadn't failed and Celestia STILL hadn't picked her so it had to be some other reason.