Life
Shackles 6
The man awoke with a start, clutching his heart, and looked down. He had been sleeping on a branch. His throat was dry, and his mouth tasted of morning breath. He looked down again and grasped the branch, disoriented by the height, his brain finally kicking in after waking up. He looked out to the took a moment to gather his thoughts and began his descent down the bough of the tree. Walking to the pond, he cupped his hands and washed his face, wrapping it in his hood immediately afterwards. The splashes from the water woke up the fenrir.
The fenrir rubbed his eyes with a grey paw, yawned and sat up. “Master? Is it my turn to watch now?” he asked.
“No.”
The fenrir looked into the horizon. “The night passed? Master, you didn’t wake me.”
“You were snoring loudly. It was hard trying to wake you up. Get ready, we’re moving again.”
“Of-of course, Master, but won’t we eat?”
“We’ll eat while walking. Give me the map.”
The fenrir handed the creature the map. He inspected the map, then looked into the distance and beckoned over his shoulder. “We’ve got three miles.”
“Master, wait! I have canteens! With your permission of course, I would like to refill them from this oasis."
"I have no qualms."
With this, the diamond dog went to the supply pile and extracted multiple canteens. He went to the oasis and hastily filled them.
“Master, before we continue, are you sure you want to do this?” the slave asked.
“Are you going to try and stop me, dog?”
“N-no, Master.”
“Do you have a name? I’m getting tired of saying dog.”
“It’s Nobis, Master.”
“Nobis, let’s move.”
Nobis groaned as he trekked with his master to the next diamond dog camp. He rubbed his forehead with a paw.
“Dog, silence yourself before you give away our position,” the creature hissed.
“But Master, there is nothing around us but desert!”
He’s trying to give our position away! a voice only heard by the creature cried out.
“He has a point,” the man retorted.
Kill him!
“Not yet.”
You’ll regret this!
“I’ll cross the bridge when I get to it.”
Nobis froze in place as his master continued to speak to himself. ‘It’s the voices again,’ he thought. ‘They’re speaking to him again. This is my chance to run away!’ He took a series of quick breaths to calm himself. ‘No, no, I can’t. I’m a fenrir godsdamn it! I’ve got a code of honor to uphold!’ He looked away, disconcerted, for a moment. ‘Honor is what’s going to kill me.’ He groaned before he began running to catch up to his lord.
“He hasn’t done anything yet!” the man whispered.
Nobis, noticing his master’s derailment, decided to intervene. “Master?” he called.
The creature jumped slightly in surprise, his hand straying near his shank. “What is it?” he growled.
“May I see the map?” the fenrir questioned.
The creature released his hold on his shank and grabbed at a piece of paper instead. He removed it from his pocket and handed it to his drudge, standing in place as his thrall looked it over.
“Master,” Nobis began, “some bad news: the colony that we’re headed for at present is probably...different from what you’re accustomed to.”
“Different how?” the creature questioned.
“Different in the sense that it’s partially above ground and is actually fortified. I’d assume that with the relative ease you’ve had annihilating colonies, that you’ve been going after the low security ones. None of them have been fortified up until this point, correct?”
“Aside from a few guards, no.” The creature nodded.
“Well, that’s because those prisons were intended to hold Equestrians. We were near the Equestrian border; where did you think all those ponies came from? I’m sure you’ve seen or heard them lamenting over how long they haven’t seen their families for or how much they miss them. Well, Master, ask yourself this, if those ponies were in diamond dog territory, then don’t you think their families would have been captured with them?”
“They could have escaped.” the creature responded.
Nobis simply shook his head. “The ponies in those camps are from Equestria. Raiding parties over the border are frequent and are actually overlooked by Celestia. Hrm, I suppose overlooked is too harsh a term; I think it would be better to say that she’s not aware. You see, security of the borders falls under the jurisdiction of some Prince or another... Blueballs was his name I think. Anyways, he does a really bad job of it. Security is practically nonexistent at some points save certain checkpoints, and with the lack of any sort of barriers, it’s rather easy for our slavers to sneak in and out of Equestria. The camps inside Equestria are infamous for having some of the most inadequate security. As you head close to the coast, like we are at present, security should steadily improve. The Diamond Empire is extensive; it runs under Equestria at certain points, but for the sake of politics and diplomacy, we only surface there occasionally. Camps inside Equestria tend to be isolated, so the emperor can always claim that it was a splinter faction of diamond dog should they ever be caught. There was actually an incident some time ago. Something about a white unicorn or what have you. The alpha of the party was a familiaris—”
“You’re drifting off topic.”
“Right, sorry, Master, as I was saying, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed yet, but Equestrians tend to be more docile and submissive than other races. Additionally, aside from the unicorns, who have magic, most aren’t very good at magic, what with having hooves and all. They tend to never escape. We’re nearing the coastal colonies, Master, the diamond dog ships transport prisoners from here, with a higher risk of escape, it only made sense to have better fortifications. From now on, essentially every colony we come across is going to be walled-off.”
“You tell me this now?” The creature barked.
“Would it have made a difference, Master?”
“No! Absolutely not! Is there anything else you aren’t telling me?”
“Yes. The coastal colonies also tend to be the most well-staffed, save those in the diamond dog mainland. The Emperor never goes inland whenever he sails from Nal Mutta. So the diamond dogs never put forth the effort to actually fortifying and improving the inland camps. Odds are, we’ll probably run into some griffons while near the coast as well.”
The creature rubbed his temples with his hands. “Why?” he asked.
“Well, Master, it’s a coast for one. It’s going to be a hub of trade and commerce.”
“Do the other nations know about diamond dog slavery?”
“Well, yes. Celestia is aware of diamond dog slavery, however; to avoid an international conflict, she chooses to ignore it so long as we leave her subjects alone. As far as she’s concerned, we do. Griffons, on the other hand, are slavers as well. They’re just like us, only, they work kind of differently. See, with Griffons, you can actually earn your freedom—”
“Stop,” commanded the creature. “You mean to tell me that there are not one, but two races on this Earth that enslave others?”
“Griffon slavery isn’t that bad, Master!”
The creature snorted. “Not bad? Not bad?! How can slavery possibly not be bad?!”
“It’s not as bad as diamond dog slavery. You were a diamond dog slave, Master, you know what it’s like. We aren’t known to treat our slaves very nicely.” Nobis slowly began slipping into a more scholarly tone, closing his eyes as he raised a paw to emphasize his speech. “Diamond dog slaves can never be set free, unless they are honorbound slaves, like I am. Diamond dog slaves are the property of the collective. It’s very different for griffons. Griffon slaves are individual property and may win their freedom. Additionally, griffon slavery is rooted in the culture. Griffon culture is—”
“We’re wasting time. Move. Now.”
Man and beast hid behind a dune as they observed the diamond dog camp, wooden barricades shielding it from the elements. A cluster of diamond dogs passed by, unaware of their watchers. “Nobis,” the creature began “Time to make yourself useful. Go join them,” he said, gesturing towards the convoy. “You will stay with them for one day. Then, tomorrow night, you will unlock the door and give me entry as well as a map of the caves. I will sneak in and free the slaves, you will leave the camp and return here.”
“Is that it, Master?”
“You said you wouldn’t kill your own kind; I’m respecting that wish.”
“It just seems a bit simplistic is all, Master.” Nobis hesitantly replied.
“Are you questioning me?”
“No, Master.”
You fool! Why would you leave him with the slavers?! the voice berated.
“If I go with him, odds are, we’ll both be killed,” the creature responded
He’s going to set up a trap! He’s going to open the door, but an army of oppressors is going to greet you rather than your so-called ally! Kill him now and be done with it!
“I’m aware of that risk. I’ve thought of a contingency should that be the case.”
You’re taking unnecessary risks!
“He can be a useful asset.”
It’s far too risky! Leaving him unsupervised, what’s to stop him from revealing you?
“He did say that he had a code of honor.”
Honor!? What honor?! What is honor to a slaver? It was just a lie to lull you into a sense of security!
“If he wanted to kill me, he could have done it while I was asleep.”
He too was asleep! Kill him now while you still have the chance! Stop him before he can ruin everything!
“I’ve been over this before; he’s too valuable an asset to simply do away with.”
‘He’s talking to the voice again.’ Nobis thought. ‘It’s only a matter of time before he kills me.’
Nobis paused and raised a paw to his chin in consideration.
“He can be a useful asset,” the creature said, apparently to himself.
‘Well it’s good to know I’m not in any immediate danger. So he’ll keep me around until I stop being useful? Then what? Will he kill me too?’ Nobis took a deep breath and steadied himself. ‘No, no, I’ve got to calm down. He could have killed me before, but he didn’t. I’m sure he trusts me.’ Nobis paused to resume eavesdropping on his master’s conversation.
“He’s too valuable an asset to simply do away with.”
‘Let’s just wait this out for now. I’m too valuable to kill yet. Gods know that if he’s going to kill me there isn’t much I could do anyways.’
The creature turned to face Nobis. “Why are you still here? You’re missing your chance! Go, now while they’re still past the walls.”
He’s hesitating! He had his orders. You gave him orders. He’s conflicted, he’s a traitor! He’ll stab us in the back! Kill him now while you still can!
“Sorry, Master, I was just thinking is all. I’ll get right on it,” Nobis said, before he began walking away.
Nobis left the safety of the dune and slowly walked towards the envoy of diamond dogs. Nobis cried out as he approached them, wildly flailing his arms above his head while doing so. “Hey! Hey! Excuse me!”
One of the rear guards noticed the disturbance and immediately called for a stop. “Halt! Halt!” The wolfen guard yelled. “Best behavior, you familiari,” he barked to the rest of the convoy. “Another of the higher race has come to honor you with their presence. Remember your places!”
“Hello,” Nobis said upon reaching the slaver party.
“Greetings, brother,” the guard said, “I am Sir Lupa.” The other guards, more doglike in their appearance, immediately bowed before Nobis.
“I am Nobis.”
“Brother Nobis, where do you come from?”
“I was stationed at a camp near the Equestrian border.”
“We’re a long way from Equestria, brother. What brings you all the way out here?”
“I bring catastrophic news from the Equestrian front. The camp near here was the closest.”
“Well, you can tell me. I’d be more than happy to pass it on to our Alpha, brother.”
“I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“Well, whyever not?” Lupa said, donning an indignant look on his face.
“This news is for your Alpha’s ears exclusively. This was a direct command from my Alpha. Speaking of which, how is Alpha Basura doing?”
“Alpha Basura?” Lupa laughed. “My brother, you’re sadly mistaken. Alpha Basura was transferred out of here and back to Nal Mutta Nearly a month ago; the current Alpha is Rey.”
Nobis raised an eyebrow. “Rey? I’ve never heard of an Alpha Rey.”
“He’s a new one, actually. Used to be like you and me; the Council decided he was worthy of promotion due to excellent performance.”
“Excellent performance?”
“He was actually stationed at this camp; he was singlehandedly accountable for at least a third of this camp’s national slave quota. Lucky son of a bitch.”
“Yeah, well, maybe we’ll be like that someday too?” Nobis offered, nervously laughing.
“Yeah whatever. Anyways, you said you wanted to see the Alpha, right? I’ll take you.”
The creature watched Nobis and the raiding party disappear into the wooden fortress.
He’s going to betray us.
“Did you really think that I wouldn’t prepare for that scenario? You’re my paranoia, you already know about my contingency,” the creature said while heading towards the cache of supplies. “Regardless, I think you’re being a bit too wary.” The creature reached into the pile, pulled out an assortment of roots and began sorting through them. “Now, let’s see what the dog left us.”
Nobis and his escort made their way to the castle gates, under the scrutinizing gaze of the creature. As the party stood before the wooden fortress, a voice hailed them from above. “Brother Nobis! What have you brought with you?”
“Just one of our brothers.”
“What does he want?”
“He’s got news for the Alpha.”
The doors to the camp quickly opened in response to that statement, and Nobis’ party stepped into the diamond dog haven. Lupa and his party headed off to the barracks, while Nobis was escorted by a pair of rather burly familiari to the Alpha’s quarters. One of the guards knocked on the door.
“Enter,” commanded a voice from inside the room.
Nobis waited outside the doorway while the guard entered the room. The familiaris immediately bowed upon entering the chamber. “Speak,” Alpha Rey ordered.
“My Lord!” the guard began. “A fenrir from the Equestrian border comes bearing news from the front!”
“Send him in!”
“As you wish, my lord.” The guard stood and promptly walked out of the room and ushered Nobis in, who bowed upon passing through the doorway.
Alpha Rey’s features brightened immediately upon seeing a fellow fenrir. “Greetings Brother, and welcome to my domain. I am Alpha Rey,” he said expanding his arms, a smile gracing his lupine face.
“Lord Rey, I come bearing news from the Equestrian front!” Nobis said, remaining prostrated.
“Ahh, Brother, you come bearing news but you’ve yet to tell me your name!” the baron said while pulling out a bottle of wine and two glasses from a nearby cabinet.
“I am Sir Nobis, your lordship.”
“Rise, Nobis,” Rey said while pouring a glass of wine for them both. “There is no need for such formalities between us of the higher race!”
Nobis rose slowly and reached for the chalice that was offered to him.
“Alpha Rey—”
The leader held up a paw to halt the conversation. “Just Rey, Nobis, again, there is no need for such formalities between us. Now you said that you bore news from the Equestrian front.”
‘This could be my chance at a new start!’ Nobis thought. ‘Master doesn’t trust me, he’s just using me to further his own goals! All I’d have to do is rat him out! No, no I can’t! Honor, remember why you’re doing this in the first place! Honor! You’ve got to uphold diamond dog code! Even in the face of someone who kills children! He’s a monster! He kills kids! He’s practically evil incarnate! Is it really his fault though? The caves must have really messed him up. That still doesn’t excuse what he’s doing. He’s going to kill everyone in that camp. This will be my only chance to stop him. I-I can’t! He offered me a way out before, I didn’t have to join him, but It did. I chose to join him. He even freed me and pointed me in the way of a haven. I chose him. I wanted to do this. Do I even want to stop him? We diamond dogs enslave others, I’ve whipped and beaten a few slaves myself, am I really better than any of them?’ Nobis’ eyes took a resolute look.
“Yes, there have been attacks on the diamond dog camps near the Equestrian border,” he said.
Stats
Page generated in 0.022 seconds
Total duration
947 users online
29,814 hits today, 2,364,530 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
GAAAAH the suspense!!!!!
Yeahokaythen
Coke painted monitor.... thanks...
2062331 I do my best
2061730 2061704 2059830 I'll take those as compliments
2064081 Take all of my compliments!
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Shackles
Grammar score out of 10: 7 (Mostly good, but there were a few hiccups here and there. When making a sentence with something a character is saying, use a comma to combine the statements. Ex: "Blahblahblah," he said.)
Pros
Nice, attention-grabbing start. You have my attention.
The use of mood music is a good touch.
I like the idea, what with the human being decidedly unfriendly and savage and all that.
Cons
Every chapter seems to be roughly one scene long, ending before it can really develop into anything.
Nobis seems completely different compared to later in the first chapter he's in, and the honour thing feels dredged up to give him a reason to travel with the human.
I don't get a feel of an over-arching plotline. It feels like a string of mostly unconnected events.
Notes Section:
After a spectacular start, the story putters out for a bit. You spend three chapters of the protagonist spending time with the pony children before he promptly fobs them off on someone else and runs for the hills. My reaction after finishing that was to re-read it and think: "that was pointless." I'm sure you're intending to bring them back later, but it still felt questionably done.
Alright, to greener pastures. You do a good job of portraying the human as a dangerous, savage, broken animal. That was well done, though suddenly throwing his backstory at us and saying he couldn't remember, since it means it doesn't affect anything, seemed a mite needless. As for the other main character, Nobis, I don't really get a sense of his motivations. Because of honour that affects him and no one else we've seen, he follows the sociopath who wants to murder his species and possibly kill him as well. This is the strangest honour I've ever seen.
I'm going to assume you have an explanation for how the human got to Equestria and was captured, so I'll leave that alone. One thing that confuses me is how he could have broken free and killed all the dogs despite being enslaved for a year, since he's probably been malnourished for that time, all his bones were broken eleven months earlier which likely weren't treated or at least treated poorly, and he still had his chains on after the killing spree.
Concluding, it's a good story with a lot of potential to be better. My advice is to streamline the plot a bit more and to clarify the moments that makes the logic part of my brain try to bomb itself.
Hope my review helps! If you get a chance, please look at my story: Paved With Good Intentions
>See thought process with Nobis
>Think this:
defaultprime.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Karma.jpg
2065844 Thank you for the review. I've actually been making edits on the Gdocs versions of the older chapters to fix the grammar mistakes, and I've been pondering combining some of the shorter chapters to make longer chapters. I actually thought the Nobis personality shift thing would be understandable. He just saw a raiding party of his own species being roasted alive, screaming and dying, I'd assume fear would be a natural response. After mulling it over, he began thinking rationally (relatively speaking, of course). As for overarching plotline...I'm working on that, and yes, I am intending on bringing the children back.
I don't recall saying that the protagonist didn't remember his backstory, (the amnesia trope is really cliche), I do recall saying that he didn't remember how long he was in the camps. Or, if you're referring to the scene where I listed all the things he didn't remember back in chapter four, (including the prologue) well, it was intended to be an allusion to the short story Bullet to the Brain by Tobias Wolfe, additionally, it was also just meant to show his prioritizing and near tunnel vision on his extermination quest.
Have you seen Avatar the Last Airbender? I was going for something akin to what happened to Iroh.
I'm intending to flesh this out in the later chapters.
So again, thank you for your review. I will give your story a review as well, unfortunately, I'm extremely busy this week. I won't be able to give you a solid review until next week. Again, I apologize for that.
2072184 Hoh, yeah, I see where you're going with this.
2075948 Yeah, I was referring to the chapter "Remember" with the amnesia thing. It just seemed a little out of place, kinda thrown into the story.
Blahblahblahblah.
With Iroh's escape, it had been made clear beforehand that he was secretly training while pretending to be insane so he could catch his captors off guard. Then he broke free when they couldn't firebend and their defences were weakened. He couldn't firebend at the time either, but when you can tear through prison bars with the power of raw badass, the inability to throw fireballs is a minor concern. Try giving the period of time before the human's escape a little more focus and explanation.
Take your time on the review for my story, there's no rush.
Coolio, homie ho.
2076032 'Remember' Iroh was simply imprisoned. The 'creature' was enslaved, beaten, tortured, starved, and abused, so, losing his memory seems like a legit plot device here.
2075948
That's strange... When I wrote my comment I accidentally misspelt Nobis' name as Tobis, I did change it before I posted though.
why is this guy annoyingly impationt and cruel
fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/231/b/d/aww_yeah_by_vulnarr-d5bpz1o.png