I Made Some Money and Pissed Off Gandalf
I woke up the next day underneath something nice and warm… whatever I was laying on felt like I was sleeping on clouds. It felt… so nice. I shifted slightly and opened my eyes. I came face to face with Luna’s sleeping face. I jolted slightly before slowly relaxing. I think this happened at some random point in the night, probably after I fell face first into the checkerboard when Luna went to go get her lunch, which was around midnight. So far, I didn’t feel wholly violated, and Luna was kinda warm, and being under her wing was nice. But… I know I need to get up.
For what? Nothing. I have no job, I don’t know what I’m doing with myself, I’m just here. Might as well go get that job I was hoping to get yesterday. So I slid out from under Luna’s wing, before pulling the blanket up over her, and going for the door. I slipped out the door and into the hall. Only to bump into something big, white and kinda squishy. I made a very intelligent ‘wag!’ after bumping into said big squishy wall. It also didn’t help that the big, squishy wall made an ‘oh?’ and I jumped back.
“Uh…” Okay, so Luna was tall, and this bitch was a fucking giant. “Hi there,” I waved.
“Hello, my little pony. What were you doing in my little sister’s room?” Oh, so this Celestia. “I bet you two got rather busy last night?” Celestia giggled. “Though if you are simply using Luna for your own person gain-”
“Your highness, I’m glad you care about your sister and all, but I was literally just about to leave to find a job. Luna’s cool, I could easily get by off of being her ‘lover’ or whatever, but I’m not about that life. For one thing, judging from how everyone seems to treat her, she deserves happiness and somebody that can actually make her happy. I doubt I’m that type of person; I won’t make any advances unless Luna wants me to do so.”
“I-I huh. I was not expecting that type of response. Surely anypony accused of such a thing would try to cover their flanks… are you actually going to go look for a job?”
“Yeah. I like working; it gives me something to fill in the void that is my empty life.”
“I’m certain you could easily get a job in… something. If you are being honest, I will even point you in the right direction. What’s your cutie mark? You could certainly…” she started looking at my ass.
“Uh… is now a good time to say I don’t know what a cutie mark is?”
“...What?”
“Yeah, I’m not actually a pony.”
“A changeling?” Celestia’s horn lit.
“Whoa, hold it the fuck up. I ain’t some fucking weird… the fuck is a changeling? I’ve only seen the movie- no I haven’t I’ve heard of the movie. But I wasn’t a pony a couple of days ago,” Celestia’s horn stopped glowing and she blinked a couple of times. “Anyways, two days ago, I woke up in the middle of bumfuck, nowhere. Instead of my nice, warm bed, I was laying on the ground as a horse. I was once a human. An ape-like animal that practically ruled our planet. I don’t know how I got here, I don’t want to know how I got here, I don’t know why I’m here. I’m just here and I gotta accept it.”
“What in the world…” Celestia lit her horn again. “Please retell that, this time I will know if you are lying.” I shrugged and did so, abridging most of what I just said because I don’t want to say all of that again. By the time I was done, the day Princess blinked a couple of times. “Oh my day…” Celestia lifted my chin up with a hoof. “You really are not a pony, are you?”
“Nope. I guess my new name’s Ostri, short for Bald Ostrich, nice to meet you.”
“I know your name. Luna was talking about you during breakfast and she was so happy while talking about you. Truly, you must at least be special if you managed to get my sister to open up.”
“All I did was treat her like a person, and not the demon your subjects make her out to be. Luna’s actually not too bad, and actually kinda funny sometimes. Not to mention that my human brain finds Luna to be ridiculously cute when she prances in place when she wins a game of checkers. Or when she kicks my ass in chess. So I dunno how the fuck your subjects began demonizing her, but you gotta find some way to stop that. It’s genuinely fucking Luna up in ways I’m sure you’ve noticed.”
“Actually… Luna never told me how it’s affecting her. I know how my subjects see her; they fear the night and Luna’s reputation is so heavily tied to it that they’ve begun seeing Luna as a demon. And we barely see each other unless it’s at my breakfast, or her dinner, or at my dinner or her breakfast. And when we do see each other, we mainly talk about politics, things that happened in our respective courts, or anything involving ruling Equestria. We never talk about ‘sister’ things. You’re the only subject Luna has brought up outside of her duties such as budgeting.”
“You… Go talk with your sister, Celestia. She’s your little sister, and if I were you, I would immediately go see what was wrong with Luna if my subjects started making her out to be the second coming of Satan’s asshole. Because while I might not have any siblings of my own, or any family for that matter, if I did have a little brother or sister, I would be out making sure they aren’t hurting.”
Celestia stared down at me and took a deep breath. “Do not tell me how to be an older sister, Ostri. If Luna deems it important, she will talk to me about it.”
“Alright. If your sister ends up committing suicide, or goes down a route you don’t like, don’t blame me. I know what that kinda treatment can do to a person, Celestia. If your subjects make your sister out to be a demon, she will become one. And as Luna’s friend, I’m at least going to make sure she is sane at the end of every day. But if my friend ends up doing something regrettable, I will hold your ass to it. Take care of your fucking sister, Celestia.” Celestia’s hoof came down with a thunderous crack.
“Don’t you bucking dare tell me how to treat my sister. As you said, you don’t have siblings or a family of your own, so you don’t know what it’s like.”
“Yeah. I was an orphan, woohoo! Eh, fuck it, it’s like talking to a brick wall-”
The door opened and Luna sleepily stuck her head out. “Ostri, Celly? Why are you two yelling outside my door?” Luna walked over, and Celestia offered a wing for her younger sister. Instead, Luna walked over to me and leaned on me. “It’s too early in the day to be yelling at each other. Ostri, if you want breakfast, you can ask one of the servants to take you down to the dining hall and you can have whatever you’d like… please return tonight; it was fun ‘hanging out’ with you.” I chuckled and nuzzled her, which jolted her awake. “You just nuzzled me…”
“Yeah. Is that bad?”
“No. it’s not bad at all,” Luna leaned further into me, which was kinda awkward because she was a lot taller than me.
“Here, I’ll get you back to bed, Luna,” I felt Celestia’s glare bore its way into the back of my head while I helped her sister back onto her bed, and tucked her in as well. A small smile fell on my face when Luna quickly fell asleep and started snoring. After I closed the door, I turned back to Celestia before shrugging. “I may not have known what it’s like to have siblings, or parents, but you do. You have something special. I know you aren’t listening, you mule.” Celestia seemed a bit shocked when I said that. Hard labor ain’t the only thing I picked up in my short time around the Apples, Sunny. “But don’t let it go to waste because Luna won’t tell you. Or fucking stop your subjects from demonizing her. Good day, your highness. I’m going to go get a job and make bank.”
“What?” Celestia was very confused… people of the past, am I right?”
“Make money. Bits, all that fun stuff. Toodaloo motherfucker!” I waved before glancing out a window. Wow, this place is tall… I can’t just jump out the window I guess. “Say, can you show me the way out? I think I might be a bit lost.”
The princess simply chuckled. “Well, I suppose I can help out Luna’s new friend. Even if he doesn’t know his place.” Celestia’s horn lit up and I was suddenly kicked out of the palace by two guards. It hurt like a bitch, my ass was itchy, and I wanna go and kill myself. But I’ll probably die anyways, so I don’t need to do that last bit just yet. First thing’s first, I asked around, asking about where I could possibly find jobs, odd or not, for some bits. I was pointed to a bulletin board in the shopping district with odd jobs and bounties, most of which were offers from the Crown, or Celestia and Luna. So I went there and chose a job at random, mostly a high paying one.
So here I am, standing in front of a cave with a sword, because one of the odd jobs, that paid about five hundred bits, and it involved murdering the shit out of some bear infested mineshaft. How did bears get in a mineshaft? I don’t know. I heard the bears, and they sounded pissed the fuck off. So an idea came to mind. I walked away from the cave and back into town to see if ponies discovered fireworks yet.
The answer was yes.
So, I grabbed a few, which pretty much costs about half the bits I got from Crab Apple, and went back to the mineshaft with something to light the matches with: A flint and steel. When I got to the cave, there was some unicorn with a really cool beard, a cape and hat with bells. Of course, I ignored them, walked to the mouth of the cave, and began setting up the fireworks. “Hey!” I stopped what I was doing and turned to the mage. I think he was a mage. You don’t dress like that without being a mage. “What the hay are you doing, pegasus?”
“I’m… going to clear this mine of bears.”
“And I was sent by the Crown to remove the bears from this mine as well. And since you are a pegasus, I doubt you have any good ideas, or the abilities to take down a bunch of bears. Especially if you have fireworks. Go kick some clouds or something. And why do you have fireworks pointed into the mines to begin with?” That was probably racist somehow.
“Because fuck you. I need the bits from this job, and I’m fucking getting them; fireworks are fucking dangerous.” I then lit the fireworks and started running from the entrance.
“If you think-”
The fireworks shot into the den and a lot of bears, who sounded like they were dying or in pain, started making noises. The lightshow was kinda pretty. After a moment, the two of us walked into the mines, which somehow withstood shit blowing up, and started surveying the damage. There were a lot of dead bears, most of which were charred to a crisp. Needless to say, my idea worked.
“Bitch,” I chuckled. “I ain’t a pony in the head. What I am doesn’t matter, but just know this: If we want something dead or removed, we will do it better than anyone else can. Now, I’m going to go collect that bounty; I think the Crown’s paying out the bits for that. Before I do that though, I’m gonna go pick up a few more odd jobs and cash them all out at the same time. See ya around, Gandalf.” I bonked the unicorn on the nose before making my leave.
And that’s how my day went, doing the more dangerous odd jobs, because they seemed to be the ones that paid the most. One involved removing wolves from an area, and I ended up playing with them and leading them away with a stick and a game of fetch. Another involved bears again, so I cashed out one of the odd jobs in order to get the bits required to murder the bears again. God, this place has a fucking problem with bears… Meh, not my problem; a bear can still die from a bunch of fireworks hitting it in the face and blowing it up. Especially when you shoot them in the face with a firework.
At the end of the day, I cashed out about five odd job checks, leaving me with around a thousand bits. Oh yeah, and I got arrested for some fucking reason. I dunno why, but I didn’t honestly care because I was probably going to die. I wouldn’t put it past Celestia; she doesn’t like me, I think. So I just sat in my dungeon, my bags of bits were sitting on a desk next to the guard captain, who acted as Everfree’s police, I guess. At some point my idea for a fun idea was to rhythmically beat my head into the wall to the beat of some random song stuck in my head.
“This is the pony I was talking about, your highness.”
“Oh, hey Celestia,” I waved from inside my cell, before returning to beating my head into the wall to the beat of Fireflies because that was just what was stuck in my head at the moment.
“Ostri? Is that actually you? How did you get arrested?”
“Dunno, don’t care,” I didn’t relent in my wall headbutting. “All I did was do some jobs that the Crown was offering, that were apparently dangerous. It was fun. I blew up some bears with fireworks, played with a pack of wolves, and got to pet one of said wolves; they were sweethearts. And I got about a thousand bits to my name now, because leading those wolves away while playing fetch took up most of the day.”
“You… played with wolves?”
“Yeah. Some humans find wolves adorable, and I’m one of those humans. Wolves don’t even wanna eat ponies apparently, or the pack already ate something. Anyways, do you know why I’m in jail?”
“You interrupted a mission directly from Celestia of course!” Gandalf, no that’s not actually his name, yelled. It was the same god damn unicorn from earlier.
“Oh, the whole bear infested mine? That fun bit. Yeah, you’re welcome; I got the job done didn’t I?”
“You blew the bears up!”
“Ostri did technically take care of the bears, Starswirl.”
“And Celestia already knows what I am. Anyways, can I go now? Luna asked me to meet her in like… an hour or something. Kinda can’t do that if I’m in a jail cell. And can I also get my money? I actually almost died from a rogue fireworks show while getting some of those bits; fireworks are really useful for clearing out pests. Also, I just want my money so I can get some bread before seeing Luna. Perhaps I can show her what a grilled cheese sandwich is.” Starswirl stalked off, saying some very colorful, and probably racist, shit about pegasi.
“Well, I don’t believe you’ve broken the law. And as much as I don’t like you, I will let you out; Luna will yell at me if I don’t. You can also go get your bits, and meet me at dinner. Luna is still asleep and will likely be joining halfway through dinner.”
“Can I cook? I wasn’t joking about wanting a grilled cheese sandwich… you guys got cheese right?”
“We do. What kind of question is that?”
“Your world is very primitive compared to mine, your highness.”
“Well, if you are so adamant about cooking, I shall allow you to do so with a guard watching. I don’t want to risk you poisoning anypony.”
“Understandable. See you at dinner.”
By the time I got the sandwiches just right, Luna apparently woke up, and was sitting in the dining hall, talking over some political shit with her sister. Said sister took a whiff of the air before turning to me. “Sup, ladies?” I walked in carrying the platter on my back, which was actually kinda easy. I managed to put together three grilled cheese sandwiches, and a fourth because the guard’s mouth was watering at the smell of them. I perfectly seasoned them with some garlic at some point, because cheese and garlic are a tried and true combination.
“What is that smell?” Luna sniffed the air. “It smells delightful!” Luna slowly looked down at the plate I put in front of her. A grilled cheese along with a cup of pudding I managed to find in the cupboards. Celestia, according to the kitchen staff, required cake for dessert so that’s what she got. I just stuck with a grilled cheese sandwich and some water. “What… is this?”
“Celestia, have you managed to tell Luna about what I am?”
“I did, shortly before coming to see why somepony got arrested and required my judgment.”
“Cool. Luna, as you know, I’m not a pony,” she nodded. “This is… not a delicacy from my world, it’s more of a guilty pleasure. Something you eat because you either want a good time, or your moments away from killing yourself and this is your comfort food that keeps you from killing yourself. Tonight, I assume you two just want a good time, and aren’t about to do any self-harm. Now, without further ado, this is grilled cheese.” I wiped my hooves with some napkins before picking up my sandwich and taking a clean bite through it.
Yup, that, that hits. Celestia soon followed suit, and after watching her sister’s reaction, Luna took a bite of her sandwich. Unipegs really like grilled cheese sandwiches apparently. “Ostri, you must tell the kitchen staff how you made this, it’s amazing!” Hey, at least Luna wasn’t mad about me not being a pony. How? I dunno. I’ll probably have a talk with her about that, where she’ll probably just be asking me why I didn’t tell her immediately after meeting her.
“Hm… trade secret. Or family secrets… kinda can’t have that be a family secret if I don’t have one though. So it’s just a trade secret.”
“You… Do you have any family to speak of?”
“Guess why I’m not devastated about being stuck here?” I shrugged. “Never knew my parents, grew up in an orphanage, and since I wasn’t cute or something, I never got adopted. Never had siblings that I’m aware of either. It’s honestly not too bad. It’s something to make jokes about at least; I’m a terrible person, or pony, so I make fun of my own misery.” I took another bite out of my sandwich while Princesses actually took that in.
“You know, Ostri, when you said that earlier, I passed it off. Do you truly have no loved ones?”
“Yeah. Coming here was the second worst thing to happen to me.” Celestia blinked and I laughed. “I wasn’t always an orphan; somebody had to give birth to me after all.”
“That… is incredibly messed up, Ostri.”
“Yeah. Humans are awful.”
“You humans can’t be that bad; you don’t seem that bad.” I just started laughing. “Ostri?” Luna cocked her head. “Is this some sort of joke I don’t understand?”
“Okay so, you probably know what genocide is, right?”
“Of course.”
“You can guess where this is going, right?” The two of them nodded. “Plus, I’m pretty awful. I did literally murder a whole group of bears for choosing the wrong home.”
“That isn’t so bad; animals don’t have emotions,” Celestia said.
“Ah, you ponies and your archaic beliefs. Yeah, no, animals have emotions. Or are capable of them at the very least. They probably aren’t as complex as what we are capable of feeling, but a bear can still feel love, fear, anger. Hell, those wolves I played with earlier were very capable of being friendly and happy. Don’t you think about disputing this, Celestia,” said the Princess closed her mouth. Not before shoving another chunk of grilled cheese in her mouth at least. “Humans are a bit divisive on the topic despite there being scientific proof for this. Dogs are very capable of empathizing with their owners. I killed those bears in cold blood simply because I wanted money.
“And that’s what makes humans so horrible and dangerous. We can detach ourselves from our emotions and morals for any reason. Either for greed, or to finish a task.”
“But you were so friendly yesterday!” I found myself, with half my sandwich in my mouth, and held under one of Luna’s wings. “And I will not allow my friend to talk so poorly of his race, or of himself. So shut up and let us enjoy our evening meal; let’s move onto more fun topics. What have you done today?” I retold what happened, wolves, bears, yotta, yotta.”I never thought that fireworks could be used in such a manner…” Luna hummed. “That’s rather ingenious even if your methods were a bit violent.”
“Yeah, it was a bit violent, but you can’t argue with the results.”
“You’re right; I cannot.” Luna nuzzled me. “Perhaps I shall find some way to incorporate that into Equestria’s defenses? We have mages, but being able to blow up large bases, without me or Tia present, would be helpful.”
“Say, why are you nuzzling me? I know it’s a sign of affection; you wouldn’t be doing it to me if we weren’t at least friends after all.”
“They are a sign of affection; a bit like a kiss if you will. You’re quite attractive, even if you do not know it, Ostri. Granted, I wish your coat wasn’t bright yellow, but it suits you.”
“In… in other words, you are trying to court me? That’s what you guys do, right?”
“Of course. Though, after learning of your origins, I don’t know if that is something you’d be comfortable with. So let’s talk about making you my consort instead?”
“What’s… that?”
Celestia snorted. “You poor, poor, little pony.” My head instantly cocked to the side as Luna began to tell me what being a consort would imply.
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Gah damn
|ω･)ﾉ hello. Thanks for the new chapter. As i said before, pace yourself and whatnot. I don't want this story to become like that one where a guy got isekaied as Spike's sister and apparently went on some crazy adventures. Its a shame that the idea is protected or something, cause it has so much ☆POTENTIAL☆, like i heard the moderators stopped most people trying to continue it cause the author of it died. I would greatly appreciate it if you were to continue this story, dude.
Thanks Nugget for another great chapter. Lots of laughs all round this chapter. Good luck with your next one, and as always have fun writing.
Gandalf, such a sore loser!
Spotted a possible typo.
11606419
Was it that self-insert OC x Blueblood?
I'm still a sucker for the food introductions. Doesn't matter what it is, I just eat it up.
Wait... Did I seriously just...
:)
This MC is utterly insufferable.
He treats every character around him like an NPC to be fucked with. Zero consideration for anyone around him. Massive 'I am the main character' energy.
Celestia’s disdain towards him is 100% deserved considering his condescending, holier-than-thou attitude and he is incredibly lucky that she takes it on the chin. She could have probably had him flogged in the town square if she wanted.
He is a broke, homeless foreigner whom Luna is generously letting stay overnight at the castle and suddenly he thinks that he has the authority or clout to lecture and demean one of the sovereign rulers of the entire land.
Who the fuck does this guy think he is!?