Chapter 1
Disclaimer: I do not in any way shape or form own my little pony: friendship is magic or its characters.
Scott POV
It was a cold January tenth and my friend jack was being dropped off at my house while our parents went to a party at a friends house
My mom had told us that we could have some left over cake that she made for Christmas so naturally, we had some, then.
Jack said “hey Scott lets watch some friendship is magic” we both where bronies, closet bronies to be exact, but anyway we sat down with some cake I turned the channel to the hub, and went to get some milk ‘cause you know nothing goes with cake better then diary products except yogurt, but who cares. I had just opened the fridge when jack said in a rather startled voice.
“Scott come see this" so I went to go see what was happening and low and behold I see a swirling rainbow colored portal on my family’s flat screen “Jack please tell me that rainbow portal leads to equestria ,and not death.” There is a 50:50 chances of both, so wanna jump in?
” “Sure” I replied we then took each others hand and said “brothers to the end” and he replied “brothers to the end” I said “bronies to the end”
he replied “bronies to the end.” Then we both yell something before we jumped in I yelled “FLUTTERSHY YOU BETTER BE SINGLE”, Jack yelled “THIS IS GOING TO HURT!” Then we jumped in.
It was a long time before we exited the portal, and in that time i manged to go over in my head most of the human in equstria fanfic i have read and they all have something in common the humans adopted pony names so not to draw attention to themselves.
I told jack about this as we were falling i choose the name Sea breeze, and Jack choose the name Hercules, then after much waiting we entered equstria now we thought that the portal would deposit us on the ground but it threw us into the air, and that is when we realized what kind of ponies we where i was a brown Pegasuses with blue and red striped wings, while jack was a green unicorn with a yellow mane and tail.
Now here is where things get painful, now both me and jack had crushes on 2 of the mane six, I had one on flutter shy, and Jack had one on twilight. I yelled to jack "I am going to crash land at flutter-shy's cottage, and I am going to change your course to the library to meet twilight Kay?" " Wait, what!?" he replies "okay here we go" I said.
So I used my wings to send jack spiraling towards pony ville, but that left me plummeting out of control into the ever free forest I regained a little control and manged to slow my speed down but not by much, and I plunged into the canopy, my head hit a branch and I was knocked out cold.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I can't even read it. 2 paragraph walls of text. Make sure to make a new paragraph when a new person/pony speaks. Also, no need for all caps. A simple exclamation point will suffice.
Wow, okay. There's a lot of stuff here to fix, I'm afraid.
1: Make some space whenever a new person speaks. It makes it much easier on the eyes.
2: Fix your grammar.
3: Try to not rush it as much as you did. 500 words is not a lot when it comes to that much "action".
4: Show, not tell. Try to describe the things, make the universe more... vivid. Make us imagine the universe you write in instead of just telling us. It makes it boring and uninteresting to read.
5: Capitalization. It makes quite the difference. It's the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and helping your Uncle Jack off a horse. It's important.
6: Please don't make a "brown Pegasuses with blue and red striped wings" or a "red Pegasuses with a yellow and green striped mane and tail". You are well on your way to making characters with a Mary Sue status. I understand that they are humans disguised as ponies, but the only normal pony with multicoloured mane/tail is Rainbow Dash. It's clearly there to make them stand out and it doesn't make much sense.
There's probably more, but that's all I could think of right now. Looking forward to see you improve.
If you have any kind of questions, please, make use of me. PM as much as you want.
I like where it is going in lead, but make your chapters a bit longer, a bit more detai led, and that's a
bout it for needs improvement.