when bronies Jack and Scott step out of a portal and into equestria they will find love, adventure, action, puzzles, parties, and CAKE! Note: Chapters will get better the farther you go along please do not stop reading based on the 1st chapter
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I can't even read it. 2 paragraph walls of text. Make sure to make a new paragraph when a new person/pony speaks. Also, no need for all caps. A simple exclamation point will suffice.
Wow, okay. There's a lot of stuff here to fix, I'm afraid.
1: Make some space whenever a new person speaks. It makes it much easier on the eyes.
2: Fix your grammar.
3: Try to not rush it as much as you did. 500 words is not a lot when it comes to that much "action".
4: Show, not tell. Try to describe the things, make the universe more... vivid. Make us imagine the universe you write in instead of just telling us. It makes it boring and uninteresting to read.
5: Capitalization. It makes quite the difference. It's the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and helping your Uncle Jack off a horse. It's important.
6: Please don't make a "brown Pegasuses with blue and red striped wings" or a "red Pegasuses with a yellow and green striped mane and tail". You are well on your way to making characters with a Mary Sue status. I understand that they are humans disguised as ponies, but the only normal pony with multicoloured mane/tail is Rainbow Dash. It's clearly there to make them stand out and it doesn't make much sense.
There's probably more, but that's all I could think of right now. Looking forward to see you improve.
If you have any kind of questions, please, make use of me. PM as much as you want.
I like where it is going in lead, but make your chapters a bit longer, a bit more detai led, and that's a
bout it for needs improvement.
Okay, unless this is some kind of really bad troll-fic...
Please, at least take my advice into consideration. I did it for your sake.
Okay so it didn;t take me long to read this (3 mins) but I think I'll stick around and see where this goes.
I'm gonna have to say simply add more detail fix capitalization and make sure to make story not sound slightly crunched up you want to try to make sure it sounds smooth and is both descriptive and understandable though it's pretty smooth already I guess but you want to keep it that way besides that I'm interested and plan to read more before giving it a rating
HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!
I have TWO BADASS PARENTS!!!!!!!!!! SO MUCH YYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!
208003 and a badass brother. though he got the better end of the deal being an alicorn
nice. and like i promised, i promoted this on my blog
208047: Well I'm the one with LIGHTNING powers.....so there.
208190 i think power strong enough to move the sun beats lightning
Cryokinesis is my new favourite word.
208193: FUCK THE SUN!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU DON'T NEED SUN FOR LIGHTNING TO BE CREATED!
208861no sun means to planet no planet means no lightining
FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...Ima freeze your ass.
215167 i am going to burn your ass *gets out flame thower*
215180 Pretty sure I smashed that already.
so, we'll be in the next chapter i assume
215184 fine *gets out veitnam war napalm flame thower* what do you think lf the chapter
215196 yep and hopefully none of you will be sparta kicked outbof a window p.s the sweetvapple acres farm hand is an OC can you geusswho it is
215208: Is it you?
215257 i am withfluttershy remember
215308: Oh.......is it Crackshot?
215200 I can survive being put into the sun that isn't a threat. It was okay like the bit where Blueblood go this ass tazered.
216368:REALLY????
In KillJoys story, you were just in a desert and you lost SO much energy from the heat.
216501 Yheah, new enviorments affect me but I've been in the sun befo...I mean uh.
216834: ....................go on..........
216866.....*Blows up Twilight* Oh, look at the Twilight died you better go grieve we'll continue this....never.
216870: Um, in this "fic/universe" I don't have feelings for Twilight so....Meh.
I might have them in my fic, but I don't think so.
So well continue this.....later.
*EXPLOSION*
Oh look, Pinkie and Vinyl are dead....whatever.
216878 *Kills your little brother* have fun with that.
216882: I think that I killed him already with the blow to the head so yeah.....you just killed a corpse.
OR
THANK GOD!!! THANK YOU ICE!!! he was becoming SUCH a burden like 4 real.
THANK YOU!!!!
And know I'll just go to the orphanage and adopt a colt or philly as my new sibling.
Maybe even Scootaloo.....
I don't even drink coffee.
233311 Well now you do!
233338 I'm allergic to it......yheah.....kinda just killed me...THANKS!
233343:HAH!!!
OH NO! "The seed has been planted in her?" BABY COMING!!!!
233388 It's a fap.
233391: Meh then.
233311 neither do i
Every element except ice....BITCH SLAP!
sweet. time for omega team to show their stuff!
Dammit....electricity sword....WELL lets see what something made can do against something that was born with.
my name is in two words, not one. anyways, im excited for the next chapter
-_- I hate all of you.
ME TOO!!!255916
Damn Cheese Delux.....Prick.
Nothing but.........You are fucking kidding me
funny you post this the same day i post my chapter on training
Hah bitches.