Chapter 1: Celestia, we have a problem
It would be an understatement to call Princess Celestia’s position as Equestria’s princess “hard.” During her 1,000-year and counting reign, she had to make difficult decisions time and again. Banishing her own sister to the moon for Equestria’s sake topped the list of hard choices, even if said sister later reformed and returned to her side as co-ruler. Good for them.
However, sitting in her dining room, Celestia found herself in limbo over the second hardest choice she could face.
“Uh…I…no, I should pick…uh…”
How could a choice most ponies wouldn’t struggle with be such a tussle for an experienced princess? Screw it; she’d just choose and be done with it, no “ifs”, “ands”, or “buts.”
“Okay, I have decided. I will eat blueberry cake this time.” She pulled a plate containing a single slice of blueberry cake toward her with her magic. Her eyes drifted to the unchosen strawberry cake on its own plate–there she goes again. “Then again, I picked it last time. Uh…”
”Just eat them both before you hurt yourself trying to choose,” a female voice teasingly said.
Celestia turned her head toward the voice. Princess Luna, the owner of the voice, strode into the dining room, chuckling under her breath.
“Believe me, I want to, but I really need to limit my cake intake.” Celestia stared down at her hips. Their, uh, condition coaxed a shameful groan from the cake-lover’s mouth. “I hate to admit it, but my hips have grown a little…wider.”
“Be that as it may about your big hips, I do not think you possess the willpower to eat less cake.”
A scowl burrowed over Celestia’s eyes. She could accept her hips being called big – they were big after all – but not her willpower being questioned! “You know what? I will go on a cake-free diet for a year, just to show you how much willpower I have!”
“Ha! But as much as I would love to say it would end with you consuming more cake than ever, there is a far more important matter we need to discuss.” The younger alicorn stepped closer to Celestia. Her playful smile darkened to a dire, no-nonsense frown. “Celestia, we have a problem.”
“We do?” Celestia’s scowl weaned. “What is it?”
“Have you noticed that our guards are…how can I put it lightly…terrible at protecting Canterlot?”
Ouch. Celestia blinked twice in amazement. “If that is you putting it ‘lightly’, I’m terrified to imagine how you would put it harshly.”
“Well, sugarcoating matters has never been my forte.” Luna floated a pineapple with her magic from a collection of fruit on the dining room’s table. She bit into it, despite the fruit’s thick hard skin.
“Um, you do know that ponies don’t eat pineapples that way, right?”
“Yes, but I prefer it this way.” Luna sat the pineapple back on the table. “But back to those guards. How are they so poor at their duties, that six untrained mares could battle a swarm of Changelings more effectively? Twilight outclassing them is understandable thanks to her amazing magical prowess, but even Rarity can hold her own better, from what I heard!” Luna threw her arms up in exasperation. “Rarity, Celestia, and in hoof-to-hoof combat no less! At least we had the excuse of being blindsided when the Changelings attacked and captured us in a swarm!”
The white alicorn’s mouth opened, but only a sigh eked free. She had nada, nothing, zilch for a defense, and she knew it. “Fine, but I’m not sure what’s wrong with our guards. I supervised their training myself.”
“You did not make things too easy for them, did you?”
“Um…” Celestia’s eyes rolled upward, her brain scrambling to round up the memories of her guards’ training and drills. “I suppose I might have, just a tad. I even permitted them to only train for about half of the time they should have on some days.”
“Did you at least push them to their limits when they were in training? Was their resolves tested?”
Cricket chirps somehow managed to echo throughout the room. After the impromptu alicorn-trolling serenade ended, Celestia bit her lip and looked away.
On the bright side, nopony can say Princess Celestia isn’t a kind-hearted pony.
The not-quite-as-kind-hearted pony facehoofed. “I always thought you were too gentle.”
“I know, but I can’t help it!” Celestia protested as her ears woefully wilted sideways. She slammed her head face-first onto the table, after she pushed her cakes out of face-plant range, and added, “Most of the time I can handle tough decisions, but I just couldn’t bring myself to push our guards to their breaking points. I view them as my own foals.”
“And you acting too much like a mother ended with them always getting their, as ponies today put it, ‘flanks kicked’ with barely a fight.” Luna took another hardcore bite of her pineapple, laid it back down, then gazed downward in thought. Seeds of a plan sprouted in her head, coaxing a smile to curl on her lips. “I have an idea. If you cannot do so, then I will play ‘father’ and train them myself, starting tomorrow. What says you?”
Could it work? Celestia lifted her head off her table and answered, “It would be fine by me, but wouldn’t it interfere with your sleeping?”
“If need be, I will cast an energizer spell on myself to allow me to manage with only two or three hours of sleep.” Luna raised her head, her smile deepening in pride. “But hear my words: once our guards’ training under me is complete, they will be buff, mean, fighting machines!”
“Mean?” Celestia cocked her head to the side. “‘Isn’t that a little excessive?”
A blush heated on Luna’s cheeks. “Hehe, that was merely an exaggeration to make it sound more formidable. But they will be buff and fighting machines.”
“But when you train them, don’t go overboard and get them harmed.”
Luna laid her hoof on her chest in mock offense. “Celly, I am hurt. I would never dream of such a thing.”
“I know, I know,“ Celestia said with a chuckle. “It was silly to say that. You are my dear sister, so I trust that you understand what would be crossing the line.”
“I do. I will be tough, but they are nevertheless in good hooves with me.”
Her mission was set. Luna finished off her pineapple and left the dining hall. She combed the castle for a hat, one that screamed “drill sergeant”, and eventually found one for her taste: a green one. She carried it to her bedroom and tried the hat on in front of her mirror. A smirk crept on her face. Her future buff, mean(?), fighting machines would soon understand the value of “no pain, no gain.”
Especially the “pain” part.
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Technical Sergeant Jim Moore... the man that 'Gunny' learned from...
Back in 2010 or thereabouts I went to a week long "mini boot camp" with my NJROTC unit and several other area schools. The first couple days were not easy, but I am proud to say that I made it through, possibly stronger than I was before HS. I thought of joining the Navy out of HS but medical conditions made that impossible and now I'm past the age that is desirable for recruitment.
Celestia means well, but I can definitely see her being too generous with the mares and stallions of the corps. I just hope that Luna doesn't swing too far the other direction, going full on SEAL training.
Is it a beret? I kinda hope it's a beret. Luna making Equestria's Green Berets would be funny.
I'm looking forward to seeing Luna unleash her inner DI, though I couldn't help but think of Full Metal Jacket while reading this.
"I am Gunnery Sergeant Luna, your senior drill instructor. From now on you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be 'Ma'am.' Do you maggots understand that?"
"Ma'am, yes Ma'am."
"Horsefeathers, I can't hear you. Sound off like you got a pair!"
"MA'AM, YES MA'AM!"
"If you fillies leave my castle, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day, you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Equestria. You are not even ponies. You are nothing but unorganized grab-asstic pieces of amphibian manure! Because I am hard, you will not like me. But the more you hate me, the more you will learn. I am hard but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on earth ponies, unicorns or pegasi. Here you are all equally worthless. And my motive is to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Guard. Do you maggots understand that?"
I’m seeing a Battery Sergeant Major Williams coming up here. A more WW2 style of Sergeanting, with extra curly moustaches.
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one wonders if this will go either horribly wrong or horribly right heh heh
We could use Luna in Ukraine.
This story has the same cover as Better Go Catch It.
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Nope
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That could be suitable if Luna decided to give them combat drills when they try to fight her
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Nigh indeed.
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Not too inaccurate a preview of what's coming.
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I don't know if I would have been able to handle even a mini boot camp in high school. I might have been too sensitive for something like that back then. But good for you for doing it and coming out stronger, even if you couldn't try for the Navy.
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I used "hat" in the narration, but now that you bought it up, the hat I pictured in my head Luna wearing is more of a beret. It's something that's more up to a reader's interpretation since I didn't go into detail about the specifics, so if you want it to be a beret, picture it as a beret!
Although now I have an image of Luna opening up a business when she sells hats...
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Glad to hear it, and I'm planning to have it out in around 5 or 6 days or so. I planned to give it out a little sooner, but let's just say some complications came along that will delay the chapter a little.
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That's pretty good. Luna would probably be a little nicer when she gives her version of that speech, although "little" is the operative word since she's going to be pretty hard
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Rarity: why looks can be deceiving. She could enjoy a fine cup of tea, stop to kick someone's ass that had it coming, then go back to enjoying her tea as if nothing happened.
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It could go either way at this point.
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She could be quite useful over there to say the least, if not as a DI then as a solder.
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It does. I had it picked out for this story before that story came out -- which I'm planning to read -- and I even considered changing it once I saw that story come out, but it was just too fitting
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Oh, epic!
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Had I ONLY known 
TBH I originally joined the NJROTC in 9th grade because it looked like a way to get out of taking gym
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Like every other veteran throughout history, I still have nightmares about my Drill Sergeant...
... and for me Basic was over twenty years ago!
A Sam Brown is the issue for a DI cover (Look to Smoky the Bear)
Beret were for Special Forces or foreign countries
Or "Wild Geese"
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First day of the "mini boot camp"
DS comes on the bus: Welcome to Camp, Hope you have fun, learn stuff, yada yada NOW YOU HAVE 5 MINUTES TO GET YOUR GEAR AND FALL IN MOVE MOVE MOVE!!
Standing in line to get our camelbacks: stalking up and down the line telling people that this isn't going to be some namby pamby day camp and if we don't think we can cut it the bus is back there
Later on there was some nasty weather and we had to do the Thunder Crouch in our uniforms.
Several days later one of our cabin mates left the canteen early and left his tray behind, front lean and rest while he finished his toast
As the days progressed the DS's gradually lightened up a little bit climaxing with a pool party and stuff.
Why do I think Luna will not be much better? Still let’s see how she does.
Luna the next day, probably:
Did your parents have any children that lived?
: Ma’am yes ma’am!
Luna: I bet they regret that! You’re so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece
Reminds me of being in NJROTC in high school. During dismissal; both male and female senior commanders (CO & XO) gave orders to 'Fall Out (dismissal)' and there was a "yes s'ma'am". Even the instructors were unsure of who said that.
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I see. Safe to say that plan backfired
Gym was one of my favorite classes, so even if I had more toughness, I wouldn't have ever dreamed of trying to get out of Gym that way. Although if it could have gotten out of History classes...
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So that and other Drill Sergeants can sure leave a lasting impact huh?
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We will see indeed.
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There were some good things, but I do kind of wish I had taken a few more theater/arts/shop classes.
Teasingly might be a better term for when Luna enters.
Also I’d say best drill sergeant is R Lee Ermey. Guy was a drill sergeant brought in for technical advice in Full Metal Jacket. He ended up playing the role he was meant to advise and was nominated for a golden globe.
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It would. Thanks for pointing that out.
It's safe to say R Lee Ermey overachieved what he was initially brought in for.
The training:
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Source.
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If that was the training, nopony tell Luna!