The Witless

by Reviewfilly

6. We Will Ask Something Of You...

The next day started unusually-usual for Applejack. There were no black chariots visiting her at night, no unexpected raids by the police, no fear of her hidden stash being discovered… What’s more, she didn’t even need to spend her night with a pony who could only ever blabber about the Sun, nor two others who would sell the very air she was breathing to her before scamming it right out of her lungs again.

It felt almost weird to walk through the orchard once more, scaring off a few squirrels, making sure every tree was alright and that her cherished sign was still intact. She even walked past the spot where she had met Twilight again. Seeing it filled her with a strange nostalgia she felt with her friend, along with an inexplicable feeling of guilt. Maybe if she hadn’t lead her home, Twilight wouldn’t have disappeared like that.

Applejack shook her head. Twilight had been sick and in need of immediate help. Still, the situation wouldn’t leave her be, especially after all the things that happened recently…

She mulled this over for the next few hours, her attention divided between her trees and the past. It was late in the afternoon by the time she began trotting home.

That was when things turned back to the usually unusual.

In front of the farm, surrounded by two familiar burly unicorn stallions, nopony else but Pinkie Pie was waiting for her.

“Hello again!” Pinkie threw herself at Applejack and gave her a very tight hug. “Told ya I’d pop in. I hope you don’t mind that I brought along a few friends.”

Applejack awkwardly returned the hug, her surprise at seeing Pinkie again so soon completely dwarfed by the discomfort she felt from the pressure. “Howdy, Miss Pie,” she groaned under the mare’s vice-grasp. When she was finally let go, she collapsed to the ground for a second, gasping for air. Her eyes flicked over to the hulking guards. “No, it’s no problem at all,” she heaved.

Pinkie didn’t seem to realise the amount of destruction she was capable of, as she turned away from Applejack and began to survey the rows upon rows of trees surrounding the farmhouse. “Sooo, I’m really eager to see how you spend your days. Why don’tcha show me around?” she asked enthusiastically. “Of course, if that’s not an issue.”

Applejack looked at her, then at the stallions behind her, then at her own sore, aching legs and crushed barrel. “Of course not,” she replied with a wide smile, one she hoped was convincing enough.

Apparently it was. “Woohoo! Let’s go!” The pink menace bounced past her. Applejack took a deep breath and realigned her hat—and insides—before following after her towards the orchard.

Pinkie put Winona to shame with her energy, easily outbouncing the dog who stared with open suspicion at the new arrivals. Pinkie didn’t mind Winona, much heed her, as she pranced between the rows, occasionally gawking at the trees or becoming distracted by a squirrel. “Beautiful,” she said, voice full of awe. “Simply beautiful.”

“I guess it is,” Applejack replied humbly, though she had to admit the words made her feel very warm inside. The stallions meanwhile followed a few steps behind, not paying any particular attention to the trees or anything, opting to simply stare forwards vacantly.

As they continued deeper into the orchard, the small group eventually came across Applejack’s sign. Pinkie froze, staring at it with her mouth agape.

“‘Long live our Great Princess’,” she articulated each word aloud. She turned to Applejack and asked, “Who made this?”

“I did,” Applejack replied, putting a hoof behind her head, her cheeks suddenly flushing.

Pinkie’s mouth slowly morphed into a great O. “Applejack—” She sniffed from the sentimentality and turned to spend a few more seconds staring at the sign “—you’re simply the best.” She turned back to face the farmpony, her eyes glinting with tears. “One day,” she said solemnly, “we will ask something of you.”

“Do ask already,” Applejack encouraged her, while Pinkie wiped her tears away.

“No, no. All in due time,” Pinkie chastised her playfully with a boop on the nose. Then, as if by order, her stomach grumbled. “Say, I got quite peckish. What can a pony eat around here?”

“Uh.” Applejack scratched her scar, mulling the question over a few times, each time coming to the same slightly embarrassing conclusion. “I’m mighty sorry, but I don’t suppose we have much more than hay an’ some greens.”

“Hay and greens,” Pinkie repeated approvingly and licked her lips. “That sounds perfect.”

Applejack led the group back to the farm and invited them into the kitchen. She sat the guests around the table and, since Apple Bloom was away again somewhere, she called Big Mac for help. The stallion blinked wide at the unexpected guests but said nothing. Soon the kitchen grew loud from the sounds of cooking and preparation.

The two Apples put all of their skill into the food and—unlike during their usual filling but very dull meals—the air was instead filled by the savoury smell of baked vegetables and freshly cooked hay.

Despite her weak stomach, Pinkie looked with pride at the steaming meal placed in front of her. Without even bothering to use her hooves, let alone utensils, she threw herself at the food and bit into the carrots stacked on her plate. After decimating the greens, she raised her head again, swallowed loudly and turned to Applejack who was sitting next to her. “Mm-hmm! Abso-lutely delicious!” She patted her belly. “You know, Applejack, I’m starting to feel envious of you.”

Applejack took the compliment with a genuine smile. Even with all that was going on, praise like this was never a bad thing to get.

The ponies continued to eat in silence. Pinkie suddenly leaned closer to Applejack and pointed at one of the doors. “That’s your guestroom, right?” she asked in a hushed, conspiring tone.

“Yup,” came the surprised answer. As far as Applejack knew, this was the first time that Pinkie had stepped into her home.

“And it was last occupied about, hmm… two weeks or so ago, right?” Pinkie asked again with half her mouth full, as she lazily munched on a piece of potato. Big Mac suddenly choked on his food and excused himself curtly before rushing out from the room.

“Uhm, that’s right. An old friend stayed there, Twilight Sparkle.” Applejack’s confusion only grew as she answered again.

Pinkie’s eyes flicked over to the two stallions, who, unlike their previous stoic attitude, suddenly looked very interested.

“She hid in there, correct?” Pinkie intoned.

Applejack hummed. “Well, I’d more say that I hid her there from the cold, before she could catch something nasty. But—” she dragged out the word, her eyes flicking towards the unicorns before looking back at Pinkie “—beg pardon, Miss Pie, how do you know all this?”

“Aw, don’tcha worry about all that.” Pinkie haphazardly waved a hoof in front of her face with a knowing smile. “Y’know, whether we’re baking apple pies or eating salted hay, the intercreatural situation just keeps intensifying.”

Applejack wasn’t sure how to reply to that, so she simply nodded. Pinkie had no further questions and Applejack didn’t quite feel like talking about anything with the two stallion staring at her like statues, so the dinner continued in silence. Then, out of the blue, a huge crash shook the room.

Before Applejack could even move an ear, Pinkie and her stallions threw themselves under the table. The two unicorns began to blast combat spells all over the room in a craze, their blind-firing magic breaking vases and singeing cupboards.

The onslaught went on for nearly a minute, before one of the unicorns screamed, “Colonel Pie! I’m nearing my limit. Permission to conjure a bomb?”

Applejack, who until now stared at the utter pandemonium in a frozen daze, stirred from her coma and her eyes went wide at the word ‘bomb’. “Sweet applesauce! Please don’t let him!” she begged Pinkie. “Just give me a moment!” she added loudly as she disappeared outside in a flash.

A few moments later she came back with three dirty and anguished looking fillies, a wrecked scooter, and an extremely dark expression. Tears freely streaked down the fillies’ dirty faces, as they glanced around the destroyed kitchen.

Applejack faced her sister. “Apple Bloom! I told ya again an’ again to be careful, haven’t I? But ya just can’t ever listen to me,” she chastised, while checking around to see if any of the filly’s wounds were serious. “Thank the Stars, you’re okay.” She let out a deep and anxious sigh she was holding in. “I swear, one day you’ll really hurt yourself, if you keep doing this,” she said softly, voice full of worry. Then her expression hardened again and she pointed towards the door. “Now you two scram, an’ Bloom, go to your room!”

“But why, Sis?” groaned Apple Bloom, while raising an accusatory hoof towards the unicorns and Pinkie still hiding under the table. “Why are they allowed to make a mess?”

“That’s not what I’m expecting y’all to say.” Applejack answered her with a grim look and the fillies hung their heads.

“We’re sorry!” the trio bleated. One of them, a pegasus filly with tiny wings, stepped closer. “Can I please have my scooter back now?”

Applejack rolled her eyes with feigned irritation. “Fine. Now run along, let the adults clean this mess.” She gave back the slightly bent vehicle and the fillies dispersed.

She turned back to the others and took off her hat. “I’m mighty sorry about this all, Miss Pie. I spend most of my time busy in the orchard, I really don’t have the time to constantly watch over my sis an’ her antics,” she apologized to the mare crawling out from her hiding place, but Pinkie shut her down with a magnanimous wave of her hoof.

“No biggie!” she beamed. “What matters is that we had a blast. Quite a big one,” she said with a giggle, while the charred remains of a painting fell off the wall with a loud thud. “But I’ll say, Applejack, it is no fair that you of all ponies is still stuck in such backbreaking work, when you have so many deeds to your name.”

“My many deeds?” Applejack laughed at that. “Miss Pie, you sure have your way with jokes. Thank ya kindly for your worries, but I’m very happy here.”

“Nuh-uh.” An impish smile spread on Pinkie’s face. “You definitely belong on a kishy-cushy pillow as the head-mare of some very important place.”

“Head-mare? …Of a very important place?” Applejack almost choked on her breath as she repeated the words. She stammered a few times, before she managed to start speaking properly. “Granny’s teeth! Please don’t even say that! That’s the last thing I’d ever wish for.” She stepped closer to Pinkie and stared into her eyes pleadingly, holding her hat in a vice-grasp. “Please, Miss Pie, just let me do my job here. My trees need me. My sister an’ brother need me. Any day now a plague could rear its ugly head in the orchard an’ then we’ll be busier than a lone bull in a rodeo. Ya have to understand, I ain’t cut out for anything more than tending my farm.”

Her begging, however, proved to be futile.

“Nope.” Under her sweet smile, Pinkie’s voice projected itself loud and unquestionable. “Tell me, Applejack, what stuff are you good at?”

“Trees an’ apples, an’ not much more,” came the honest answer. Applejack scratched the scar on her ear, before placing her hat back on her head. “I’spose can deal with a lasso too in a pinch, I guess. But I’m really not smart enough for these ideological things.”

Silence followed. “I see.” The room suddenly began to feel cold. The rays of the warm Sun outside dimmed and faded. Applejack stared with slight terror, as the smile on Pinkie’s face slowly morphed into a tiny frown. “There is one very important question I want to ask you though,” she said slowly and quietly. Even the birds outside went silent. The two stallions remained just as steadfast, but while nopony was looking they each took a careful step back.

Applejack gulped, as those cyan eyes burrowed into her very being, dominating her vision. “Uhm, yes?”

“Do you love our great Princess?” came the solemn question.

“I…” Applejack croaked. “Uh… Of course, I do.”

The candle of the Sun reignited and chirping filled the air. Pinkie threw herself into Applejack’s hooves, her mane even more puffy than before. “Well, then what are we waiting for?” she screamed in elation, blowing Applejack’s hat off her head.

“Nothing, I’spose,” she replied, less than enthused.

And that is how Applejack became the new director of the Canterlot Royal Spa.

Comments

[TCC56]

And that is how Applejack became the new director of the Canterlot Royal Spa.

"So. This is Hell, then."

[Reviewfilly]

11566029
And she's about to meet the Devil.

[ThePeer]

another goody, see you next monday

[Alondro]

"Do you love our Great Princess?"

Alondro paused munching the half-eaten skull of the stallion whose brain he was enjoying, devouring one memory at a time, "Nope. I hate that emo mule. Think I'll kill her now. She has begun to bore me, and that is very dangerous."

NMM felt a chill of absolute dread run down her spine, for the dread eldrich god ALONDRO, native of the horrific hell hole known as New Jersey, was coming for her at last!

[Unimpressive Chaos Lord]

Man, Pinkie Pie is so damn unnerving in this, I love it. I am actually kind of intimidated by her presence in a way that I haven't with a fimfic character in ages. Also, a colonel. Sweet merciful Luna and stars above, what the hell. AJ's pleading to keep her job felt so very real in this chapter, I love it, because it does work really well as comedic but also rather saddening. I feel her pain despite feeling like laughing a little, but at this point it's more of a nervous laugh than anything else. Really loving how you've been carrying out the scenes and adapting the source material.