The Witless

by Reviewfilly

10. The Pony Who Isn't Suspicious Is Suspicious

This time no dinner awaited Applejack. Maud, wearing a black smock, was waiting for her in the main hall and she led Applejack into a backroom, where she found Pinkie Pie working on a balloon animal. Unlike before, her mane hung limply, granting the mare’s head a far sharper and more gaunt look compared to its usual cheerful roundness. Applejack figured she was staring at a completely different pony—one she really wasn’t sure she wanted to be the acquaintance, let alone friend of. Next to the Colonel a dozen other finished animals laid haphazardly over the floor, while on the other side stood a heaping pile of deflated balloons of various colours.

Pinkie took no notice of the new entrant, who stumbled around awkwardly, unsure what she was supposed to do. After a minute passed and Pinkie still didn’t react to her presence, Applejack walked to the table standing on the other side of the room and sat on the chair next to it, tired of standing around.

Hypnotized by the sounds of squeaking rubber and Pinkie’s lightning-speed movements, Applejack was slowly dazed into a half-trance. Pinch, twist, turn. Pinch, twist, turn.

Applejack near jumped out of her seat in a panic as Pinkie let go of the balloon, which dashed through the air with a loud whine and landed next to her. “So, how are things, Applejack?” she asked with unexpected sharpness.

“Ah… uh, how should I know?” Applejack replied weakly, still panting a little from the sudden startle.

Pinkie took a pink balloon into her hooves, inspecting it from all sides. She pressed its ends against her lips, but then decided against blowing it up. Throwing it back onto the desk, she stood up and trotted over to Applejack’s chair.

“You know, Jackie, one of my ears hugs my head, the other perks up.” Pinkie stared at Applejack firmly, as her ears actually demonstrated. “Have you any idea what that means?”

Applejack blinked twice. “None in the slightest, Miss Pie.”

“The Lunar-Solar conflict is escalating, the intercreatural situation is intensifying, but our ponies are super vigilant.” Pinkie smashed her hoof against the floor with a dull thud and turned back towards her desk, her back facing towards Applejack. “We’ve apprehended another bunch of stinkers just a little while ago: Sparkle and her groupies,” she said coldly and quietly to the wall.

“Which Sparkle?” Applejack asked, unwilling to accept the most likely answer her mind told her.

“How many Sparkles are out there? Don’t you try to imply you don’t know her.” Pinkie raised her voice. “Twilight Sparkle, the ex-Royal Advisor. "

“Oh. Pffft, of course, I know Twilight Sparkle.” Applejack’s body slowly relaxed and she began chuckling. “‘Sparkle an’ her groupies’.” She shook her head with a smile. “Miss Pie, ya gave me a proper spook just now, but I’spose it’s all right. I think your humour has finally gotten through to me.”

She choked on her laugh as she noticed the two deep-blue eyes staring holes into her from the shadow of a forest of razor-straight pink mane. “And why exactly are you laughing?” Pinkie asked very quietly.

The tension returned into Applejack tenfold. “Well, just that you…” she stammered. “Just that you have the creativity to make up jokes about ponies so pure an’ innocent as Twilight,” the words finally fell out of her. Applejack suddenly felt very awkward and not entirely safe.

“Jokes?” Pinkie scoffed and leaned even closer. “This is no laughing matter,” came her cold answer. “Twilight Sparkle is a Solar spy and agent. It’s shame enough that she was able to evade our watchful eyes until now.”

Applejack shuffled backwards in her seat a bit. “I’ve never been good at this thinkin’ an’ politics stuff, but I just don’t believe it. I know Twilight well. She’s been head over hooves for Her Majesty’s moons since the early days.”

“Oh, so you know her?” Pinkie asked with vile, dripping sarcasm. “And what does that change exactly? You don’t even know yourself, let alone her!” She turned towards the desk, as if to walk back to it, but then she sharply turned back again. “What if I told you that your little fillyfriend has already confessed everything?”

Pinkie’s words coiled around Applejack like a giant snake. “Twilight? She confessed? Everything?” she stammered. The snake crushed and the world broke into a million sharp, jagged shards inside her. “I just can’t believe it,” she muttered.

“Well, you better start believing in it.” Pinkie’s tone invited no questions or objections. “You will be the star witness of the case.”

“Me? What for?” Applejack knew, but she had to ask. This couldn’t have been real. She felt sick and the room slowly began to rotate with her.

“The things that I just explained.” Pinkie leaned even closer, those unblinking eyes burrowing even deeper into Applejack. She could feel Pinkie’s laboured, sweet breaths on her cheeks, while the pink mane obscured most of her quickly darkening vision. “Now, now, don’t be scared,” Pinkie whispered. “A scared witness isn’t a good witness. Just gather your thoughts, AJ. Help us help you.”

“I, uhm, I really don’t have any such thoughts.” Applejack gulped, wildly glancing around for some kind of escape. “I’m far too simple for these things,” she said in a blank voice.

“I see how it is.” Pinkie took a step back and her mane regained its puffiness. She continued in a more chipper, almost saccharine tone. “Come on, Jackie, I’ll help you out. Sparkle is a spy, that’s the base idea. Did you see any tiny itty-bitty thing about her that seemed suspicious?”

Applejack struggled to think. “N-nope, nothin’ at all, I swear it on my hat! Can’t ya get someone more qualified for this?” Pinkie’s sudden cheer unnerved her even more than the verbal assault she just experienced, now that she knew what a creature lay beneath that sticky-sugary crust.

“Nuh-uh! Tell me, what happened during your last visit?”

“Nothing spectacular.”

“I didn’t ask for ‘spectacular’.” Pinkie’s voice lost its life again, causing Applejack to shudder. “Answer the question.”

“Well, y’know…” It felt hard to even start. Applejack glanced towards the door, but Maud had closed it on the way out. Most likely locked it too. Applejack was completely at the mercy of her captor. She had to talk. “I’spose she was readin’ some books, when I stumbled upon her. Then I showed her around the Acres. Uhh, when we were goin’ back, some squirrels tried to steal her books an’ while we chased them away, she caught a nasty cold.”

She paused for a second, not willing to break her promise, but Pinkie—seemingly sensing that the story wasn’t quite over—continued to stare at her with those unblinking, inquisitive eyes. Applejack could almost hear those eyes saying One way or another, I will get the answer out of you. She felt horrible about it, but she wasn’t willing to find out what the “another” was.

I’m so sorry, Twi, Applejack thought to herself, before continuing. “I finally brought her home an’ she made me promise never to tell anypony that she got ill from chasing squirrels.”

“Very interesting.” Pinkie nodded, then pulled a small notebook and pencil from her mane and scribbled down a few notes. In the middle of writing she curtly looked up. “Are you entirely certain they were squirrels?”

“Why?” Applejack blinked a few times in confusion. “What else could they have been?”

“Many things, Applejack, many things,” Pinkie mused, before continuing to write. “Well, you just continue.”

“I had her placed into the guest room an’ gave her some hot tea, to warm her up, then—”

“Stop, stop. That’s enough,” Pinkie waved her off with the pencil, placing it along with the notebook back into her mane. “Okay, have you noticed anything suspicious so far?”

“Nothing at all.”

“Exactly!” Pinkie’s eyes closed in triumph, while a smug smile spread on her face. “See, spies never work suspiciously,” she lectured with gusto. “But that’s exactly what’s suspicious about them: That they aren’t suspicious!” She clapped her hooves together. “Do you get it now?”

Several emotions flashed through Applejack’s face, some of lingering worry, some of slight fear for Twilight and for herself, but mostly just flavours of confusion, until her expression ultimately settled into an utterly baffled frown. “Not in the slightest. So what you’re saying is that the pony who’s not suspicious is suspicious?”

“Yup!”

The proverbial apple hit Applejack on the head. “But, Miss Pie, as far as I’m concerned, I’m not suspicious either… and yet I ain’t no spy.”

A humourless laugh escaped Pinkie’s lips. “How are you so sure of that?”

“I… I’m a spy?” Applejack glanced down at her body. “Is that possible?”

“Many things are, Applejack. There are quite a few roles you could still stumble into, if you happened to lose your balance,” Pinkie replied, lost in thought. “Or perhaps your little sister or that wordsmith of a brother of yours. So many options. The Apple family is oh-so-versatile.”

Applejack had struggled to hold Pinkie’s gaze, but now stared back at her firmly, and much of what she had heard had felt like a league above her, but not this. There was a line she swore never to let others step over, but this overstepped it by a mile. She gathered all her remaining courage and bluster within her heart. “Pinkie Pie, look, I’m mighty sorry, I truly am. I really appreciate all you’ve done for me, but I’m not willing to help out with this. I’ve had enough. Send me home.”

“Oh, okay then,” came the uncharacteristically nonchalant reply. Applejack expected to argue, but instead Pinkie walked out from the room, locking the door behind herself and leaving Applejack behind.

Minutes passed, in silence, alone. Applejack’s eyes darted across the room. She looked at the balloons, the desk with things strewn over it haphazardly, the deflated pile, and she inspected even her own chair. She couldn’t help herself, something was very wrong and she already felt on the edge.

Suddenly a tile was quietly removed from the ceiling and three pegasi glided down from the darkness above. They casually surrounded Applejack without a word said between them. She sank as much into her chair as was physically possible while she caught glances of the intruders. Their limbs rippled from all the hulking muscles they possessed.

They took no notice of her as they stood around. One of them began to idly use a salt lick, while another passed an apple to his friend right in front of Applejack’s muzzle. He chewed and swallowed it in one fell bite, splashing a little of its juices on her.

The tension in the room was so thick that it could have been cut with a knife. There was only silence as Applejack continued to shrink in her chair.

Then the room’s door quickly burst open, and Pinkie Pie trotted inside again. One of her hooves was covered by a baking glove and she held a small tray of freshly-baked cakes on it. A content smile played on her lips as she hummed a little tune.

“Sorry, I totally forgot about my oven. Made some sweets,” she explained matter of factly, as she placed the tray in front of Applejack before turning to the pegasi. “Hey, what are you three party-poopers doing here? Why aren’t you leaving her be? That’s not how we act with friends in this house, haven’t I told ya enough already?” she snapped before turning back to Applejack and lowering her voice back to normal again. “You are my friend, right, Applejack?” she asked with emphasis.

Applejack continued to stay sunk deep into the chair. Without even looking at Pinkie, she slowly and silently nodded. Still not saying a single word, the three pegasi left through the hole in the roof, the last one taking care to place the tile back in place.

“Go ahead, pick one already.” Pinkie offered Applejack the sweets. Applejack still felt more than a little frozen from fear, but she had to comply. Slowly, she reached out mechanically and picked up a small biscuit.

“For now, all we’re asking from you, Applejack, is to gather your thoughts,” Pinkie said softly. “Nothing more.”

“I will,” came the flat and powerless answer. “But for now, please let me go back to my orchard. Disaster could strike any minute now.”

“Oh, don’t let me hold you up!” Pinkie held up her hooves with genuine shock on her face. “And don’t fret, Jackie. I’m always behind you… Always.” She smiled widely. “Don’t forget: Who isn’t with us, is against us. The pony who doesn’t trust us, doesn’t trust herself. And the pony that doesn’t trust our moonlit future is a stinky, no-fun traitor.”

“I, uh, thanks for the heads up,” Applejack stammered, before she stumbled out the door.

Comments

[Alondro]

I am ABSOLUTELY against Queen Meanie, Black Snooty, etc!

COME AND GET ME YA BUNCH O NAGS!! *Alondro EATS any ponies who show up! HE'S TOO POWERFUL TO STOP!!! IT'S ALL OVER!!!*

[Unimpressive Chaos Lord]

“Don’t forget: Who isn’t with us, is against us. The pony who doesn’t trust us, doesn’t trust herself. And the pony that doesn’t trust our moonlit future is a stinky, no-fun traitor.”

Giving that threat the Pinkie Pie treatment makes it all the more unnerving. At this point I'm just repeating myself, but I do really like how creepy she comes across here. It's a difficult mood to get right, and it should be mentioned. The way her bright episodes get progressively infrequent adds gravitas to the situation, like an unseen ticking bomb.
I am also wondering how much of the solar menace is in their heads at this point, NMM is not precisely the soundest mind around and having an entire governing body sharing that kind of mentality is bound to cause problems down the line.

[Reviewfilly]

11627872

but I do really like how creepy she comes across here

I can't wait to see what you think of Chapter 13 and 14 then. Without spoiling anything I feel those two are the apex of her "character arc" so to speak. Writing Pinkie was honestly one of the most fun parts of this fic. Originally I was thinking of having her be genuinely really well-meaning, but because she doesn't realise what exactly she's doing, she still ultimately ends up being a figure of Virág's calibre. But then it clicked that having her this way would work so-so much better. I was strongly inspired by Good Trooper Gilda's Pinkie, who I feel is one of her scariest renditions yet.