10. Interlude – Ripped from the Headlines
The Canterer
Equestria’s #1 Newspaper
26 June, ALW 998
Still 1 bit!
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998TH SUMMER SUN SURPRISE SPEAKER SHOWCASE SUCCESS
This year’s Summer Sun Celebration has once again gone off without a hitch, right in the heart of Equestria. The official celebration, held in Canterlot, was attended by approximately five hundred thousand ponies, with informal street parties held in cities and towns throughout Equestria estimated to have drawn upwards of nine million attendees.
The customary Sunrise Speech given by the Princess was joined this year by a surprise visitor – one Adam Inns, the human who appeared in Canterlot two years previously. In it, he revealed that the Princess had decided to play one of her many beloved pranks on the human – but the joke quickly grew fangs, as a family of five soon found themselves at the door of the First Minister’s new state, which, the human tells, appeared to strike him with an epiphany, resolving to use his newfound position to ‘change lives for the better.’
The speech appeared to resonate with the crowd, composed primarily of tourists and out-of-town visitors, with 78% of those polled approving of the sentiment. Regardless, the celebration was as boisterous as ever, with drink flowing freely and music ringing for the duration of the festival.
However, the event had its critics, who decried the speech as ‘a blatant attack on the Equestrian status quo’ and ‘a challenge to [the government’s] capacity to provide for [its] subjects.’ Others point out the close proximity between the new First Minister and the Princess, cautioning that the close relationship may cloud the diarch’s judgment – a considerable sentiment, according to eye-witnesses, who described the behaviour of the two rulers during the celebration as ‘flirtatious’ and ‘intimate,’ although others say it is merely tabloid exaggeration…
[cont. p.4]
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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH FIRST MINISTER OF FREE STATE
The Canterer has acquired an exclusive interview with the First Minister of the new Free State of the White Tail Woods. Conducted by editor-in-chief Lord Tugged Heartstrings, the interview covers the early and current life of the First Minister, his relationship to the Princess and the Free State, as well as his opinions on the current situation of Equestria and how he intends to change it for the better.
TH: How did you become First Minister?
FM: Like I said in my speech. I made a bad joke to a Guards[pony], who decided to involve [Princess Celestia] in the situation. She was the one to create my position. And, uh… the joke ran on a little longer than I expected it to.
TH: How would you describe your Free State as it is now?
FM: A work in progress. It’s more of a camp than anything else, right now. [The Equestrian w]ork crew’s been a huge help, but it’s still very early on. I was given an estimate of a year or so, and we’re only… three, four weeks in? Something like that.
TH: What made you commit to your course of action regarding the Free State?
FM: You mean the ‘taking the huddled masses in’ bit? Well… that’s a little personal. I was against the whole idea at first, in fact. [Princess] Celestia, of course, kept prodding at me, by way of [Prince] Blueblood, but in the end, it was all because of just one regular mare. She just looked so… lost, I guess. And when I agreed to give her a place to stay, well… the utter joy she felt was something I can’t quite put to words…
[cont. p6]
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COLORATURA: I HAVE NO INTENTION OF HERDING
Countess Coloratura, the famous pop-singer of the Celestial Coast, has gone on record to deny the allegations levied against her regarding Starry Skies’ herd. “I have not ever had, and will never have, any intention of joining any herd,” said the singer, in response to accusations of ‘emotional bribery’ from the herd’s lead mare, Whitejay. “That is not who I am.”
Coloratura’s spectacular career has recently been marred by many such allegations of public misconduct. Earlier this year, she made headlines for a particularly ambivalently-received single, believed to have come about as a result of an earlier relationship having gone sour. Only one month later, she was briefly held for questioning by the Royal Guard, in connection to a particularly strange case of stalking against another stallion, who remains anonymous. However, Coloratura denies any involvement.
This time, however, the pop singer has gone on the offensive against the accuser. “She is clearly the wrong lead mare for Starry,” said Coloratura. “How can anyone look at their relationship and call that ‘romance?’” Starry Skies was unavailable for comment…
[cont. p.14]
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NEW BUDGET APPROVED
The yearly Equestrian budget has finally been approved, after almost five months stuck in a deadlock. This year’s holdup stemmed primarily from an eighty-million bit increase in defence spending, an 18% increase from the previous year, which was vetoed by the Chancellor of Foreign Affairs, stating that the increase was ‘antagonistic and unnecessary.’ The proponents of the increase did not give ground, however, leading to continual vetoes.
The deadlock eventually became dire enough for the Crown to intervene directly. In an emergency committee lasting a record fifty-two hours, the Council of Chancellors each gave their views to the Princess, who eventually decided to commit to the budget, and the increase in defence spending, though declining to give a reason for the public record.
The major expenses remain infrastructure projects (12%), civil and Crown servant expenses (22%), and research and development grants (19%). With the new budget, defence spending grew to just under a percent. Recent spending cuts affected education (down 0.4%) and foreign aid projects (down 1.5%)…
[cont. p.10]
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COLD WEATHER MIS-SCHEDULING
‘Snowballs: Better Chances in Appleloosa,’ reads an irreverent regional headline from the South of Equestria. According to local Weather Chancellery representatives, a slip-up during handling of weather and climate schedules pushed the Appleloosan area’s weather forecast forward by seven months, causing temperatures to drop as low as 1° Celestius, leading to the quintessentially unlikely event of snowfall in June, in the warmest city in Equestria.
The scheduling slip was allegedly caused by an influx of new, less experienced workers at the local weather factory, exacerbated by a lack of effective administrative training in the region. Luckily, the mistake was soon corrected, localised only to Appleloosa and the surrounding villages. The administrator of the Weather Chancellery’s Southern section was reportedly apoplectic. “Why would possibly have they carried the schedules out in the first place? Didn’t they think it was at least a little odd having to mix snow in June?”
[more p.19]
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DEVOLUTION MAKES INROADS IN THE SOUTH
Proponents of the Devolution policy have won surprise victories in the recent mayoral elections of Las Pegasus and Dodge City. The news comes as a surprise to pollsters, which had predicted a landslide for the conservative incumbents in both constituencies. “It’s a welcome surprise, for sure,” said Leading Edge, the new mayor of Dodge City. “It just goes to show, the people want to be heard.”
“It’s a sign of the changing times,” said Brown Nose, Edge’s counterpart in Las Pegasus. “We are no longer content with the mere basics. I think it’s a good sign for the future…”
[cont. p.27]
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CANTERLOT CATCHERS: DOWN, BUT NOT OUT?
The Canterlot Catchers have once again struck out of the national hoofball tournaments, ending the season in 12th place. Despite their dismal performance, however, team morale remains high. “Don’t count us out just yet,” said Quick Throw, the manager of the team. “We might not have made it up high, but the rebound shot always goes in the net!”
[more p.25]
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The budget headline worries me. 85 million bits added to the defence budget, and it only went up by less than 1% ? I may not know much about how governments divide their budgets and I may be misinterpreting this, but doesn't it seem like too much money is being put towards defence? Sure defences are needed to protect a nation, but what's the point of a strong defence if the nation cannot support itself from within? Or unless someone here has more knowledge/experience in such things and proves me ignorant.
Anyway another cause of worry is how Celestia intervened and approved the increase, it's starting to look like she's a pushover and giving stubborn ponies what they want just to move things on.
Guard [s pony](?) (maybe, im not a grammar genius. Also why is princess celestia in brackets?)
"[The Equestrian] work crew's"
*Do you mean "Apologetic"? or is my vocabulary really that limited?
**"Why would (they(?)) possibly have they (nah)"
11526085
Nah, if I interpreted it correctly, the extra 85 million bits only barely brought the defense budget up to 1% of Equestria’s total spending budget.
As for Celestial approving it, well, it’s only two years until her sister returns.
11526670
truly worthless when they cannot win against naked unarmed changlings and let's the stormking blatantly march to their capital without any warning.
should just open a research lab to reverse engineer old artifact. imagine mass production of weaker version of alicorn amulet that has killswitch can do.
11526323
Celestia is in brackets because the original wording was “she.” This is common practice in journalism to clarify who or what a speaker is referring to when they say things like “him” and “it.”
11526323
apopleptic - having a stroke. Figuratively, overcome by fury.
Someone here tried to emulate Mark Twain's style.