1. Prologue I – An Elaborate Hoax
The first thing that came to my mind when I woke up this morning was, it's gonna be a long day today.
Certainly the insistent headache that was typical of the previous night being spent perhaps too merrily had a hand in these matters, not to mention that the ‘morning’ I had unfortunately woken up to would have more accurately been described as night – and waking up before it was strictly necessary to do so never failed to foul my mood. Mostly though, the thought had come to me because it came to me every single morning without fail, regardless of its truthfulness, or even cause.
Sighing in irritation, I groggily peeled the bedsheets off of myself and sat up, willing my head to keep together long enough to down some water. Fortunately, that last night I had been thoughtful enough to forget to undress myself before retiring to bed, which at least saved me the bother of finding and squeezing into my clothes... and leaving me with the bothers of needing to wash both them and myself instead.
I eventually came up with the good sense to turn on some lights, to at least start making some sense out of the day, and flicked on my bedside lamp, which I was heartened to find was still where it was supposed to be. Having regained my sight, I chanced standing up fully, resisted my head’s clarion call to keel over, and took stock of my bedroom.
Bed, desk with chair, drawers, sofa covered in random crap… didn’t look like anything had hit the fan. Good, good. Not that I had expected anything to have done so – I was a damn quiet drunk, alone, and of course nobody had been invited by me, or had even just shown up. The nearest settlement being a good day’s walk away tended to discourage nosy neighbours. At the very least I hadn’t seen any recently enough to remember.
Shambling over to the kitchen, I poured out some water from a jar into a cup – and most of the rest into my face – and drank greedily. The shock of the cold water hitting my face as well as my throat served to finally jolt me into the land of the functionally-awake, allowing me to finally make sense of the reflection in the jar.
Incidentally, if you’re just joining me now, hello. Name’s Adam Inns (technically an alias, but that’s what I went by here), sole human of Equestria, as well as the entire planet. I won’t bore you with the specifics of the whole sordid affair – I was quietly minding my own business on Earth, when I was suddenly crapped out of my home universe and into a really fancy bathroom in another one. A few weeks of confusion and frustration later, I was gifted my very own cabin in the woods by the God-Empress of the Sun herself. (Technically a few hundred meters away from them, but whatever.)
My reflection was decidedly less impressive than my origin story. A head of greasy shoulder-length brown hair; disinterested eyes safe behind a pair of glasses of a prescription that was, by now, three-and-a-half years out of date; stubble on my chin and upper lip that I hoped looked better than it usually did on me. My clothing was similarly bland: a plain, dark grey T-shirt and a lighter set of sweatpants, both well-aged but adequately taken care of, though perhaps smellier than usual. I didn’t put much effort into maintaining my appearance, partly out of my general apathy but mostly because my appearance didn’t bother me, and I didn’t partake in social interaction frequently enough for it to really bother anyone else.
Most of my days here were spent reading, wandering the forest, and occasionally distilling some truly horrendous moonshine from what I could forage or grow at home. I was more-or-less self-sufficient by now, about two years or so after I set up shop here, only going to the nearby hamlets to trade when I was in need of more advanced goods, like books, clothes, food I couldn't grow myself, and what have you. I traded most of my moonshine to them for it, in fact. (The rest, the more exotic stuff, I kept for myself.)
Anyway. Today was shaping up to be yet another day in Equestria. I cleaned myself up, changed into my reserve clothes to replace my filthy usual set, and after a quick breakfast of two raw potatoes – don’t judge me, it works – I finally stepped foot outside my cabin, and took my usual inspection of my property.
It was as heartwarmingly underwhelming as it always was. A sizeable chunk of land off to the side was covered in crops, just a few weeks away from harvest time. A flagpole was set up just a few metres away from my front door, where a piece of dark red fabric with a thin white stripe painted down it flew proudly. One half of the horizon was dominated by a canopy of trees that seemed to glow in the dawn, and the other half was green hills and meadows as far as the eye could see. I was just as awestruck as I was the first time I arrived here.
Oop, hang on a minute. I squinted into the meadows a fair distance, where I could just make out the silhouettes of a gaggle of ponies, coming my way.
Now that was odd. I didn’t get many visitors, since I lived about eight hours or so away from the nearest settlement, a tiny little hamlet that had a train station despite their population being in the double digits. Neither did I make a habit of inviting ponies to my cabin. The only real regular contact I got from anyone was with Princess Celestia, who sometimes stopped by to get away from the stress of running everything for a while, or failing that with the mailpony who delivered her occasional letters to me.
The group was now getting close enough to make out. It was a group of seven, two of each of the pony races, as well as a third earth pony who seemed to be leading them. They were all decked out in fancy golden armour, telegraphing their status as Royal Guard.
“Mornin’, gentlemen!” I called out, when they got within earshot. “Comin’ my way? What can I do you for today?”
The group finally reached me. They kept their distance, mostly content to just look around. Their leader, a white stallion with a blue mane (which didn’t narrow it down much) kept going, walking right up to me, offering a hoof. I shook it – no sense in being rude.
“Good morning, sir. Commander Fleethoof of the Royal Guards." My eyebrows raised. A commander in the Royal Guard, as far as I understood matters, was a very high position in the hierarchy; this pony was definitely important – but commander was an administrative position, not really suited to field work. What was he doing here, in front of me? “Terribly sorry to bother you, sir, but… ah, we’ve received some odd reports from witnesses in this area and, uhm...” He seemed to have trouble putting his thoughts into words. No wonder they shunted him off to a desk job. “Well. We’re just here to make sure you’re not trying to invade Equestria.”
Uh.
What?
“What?” I blurted. “What’s this come from?”
Fleethoof looked distinctly uncomfortable. His companions shuffled about awkwardly. One of them, I saw, was stifling his laughter. “Well, it’s just that… apparently, some ponies were in this area, and saw your… flag flying. I’m guessing that, since it wasn’t the flag of Equestria… well. Some ponies… right?”
I heard someone behind Fleethoof snort, which made him cringe. I had to force myself to keep a blank expression. “Right. Some ponies.” You know what? I thought. Fuck it. If today’s gonna be crap, I’m gonna have some fun along the way. I inhaled deeply, and let out an explosive sigh.
“Well, you got me. I officially claim this land in the name of the Free State of Awesome Humanity, headed by me: the Supreme Overlord of All Mankind. You may bow.” I spread my arms wide in a suitably pretentious manner, to complement my faux-haughty, ‘kneel, foolish mortals’ manner of speech.
The snickering behind Commander Fleethoof stopped. He, himself, had snapped his gaze up to me from the ground, eyes wide. His entourage was evidently similarly shocked.
I dropped my arms. “What? Well I thought it was funny,” I muttered that last part to myself. Apparently Fleethoof didn’t hear me, because after yet another awkward pause, he spoke again.
“...Right. We’ll need to get the Crown involved. Stalwart?”
One of the unicorns behind him nodded, and their horn began to glow a bright jade colour. It burst suddenly, forcing me to shield my eyes from the flash. And when I dropped my arm… “Woah!”
Holy crap! Celestia!
“Who is… oh. Hello again, Adam.” The Princess was suddenly in front of me, looking rather nonplussed. She looked around, not seeming to find anything out of the ordinary except for the guards behind her, which only left her more bewildered. “Commander Fleethoof. Why have you called me here?”
“Your Highness!” To his credit, Fleethoof did draw himself up professionally in front of her. “This creature has admitted to attempting to claim sovereignty over Equestrian soil!”
“Is that so?” Celestia was now looking at me. I imagine she would have been quite intimidating if I could see her expression from behind my hand, which I was using to massage my forehead, trying to rub away my embarrassment. Fleethoof cut me off before I could explain.
“Yes, your Highness! They have pronounced themselves the ‘Supreme Overlord of All Mankind’ -“
“A philosophically accurate description of myself, by the way.”
“- under a ‘Free State of Awesome Humanity!’ They clearly need to be stopped before… it...” Fleethoof trailed off, having spotted Celestia clearly trying not to burst out in guffaws. I saw it too, and dropped my hand to stare, empty-eyed, at the Princess.
“Yeah. So, as you can see, I’m clearly not the second coming of Super-Mecha-Death-Sombra Six-Thousand or whatever these idiots seem to think is happening.” I quickly plastered on a cheery smile. “But hey, since you’re here, ye've got a few minutes? Care for some shnyab? Even you, lads,” I gestured to the troop of guards, “assuming her Majesty here will let you?”
Celestia actually considered that for a beat, looking back at them for a moment, then back to me. “Thank you, Adam, I’d like that. However, these guardsponies are still on duty. I’m afraid they must decline.” She punctuated that with a stern look, which they all seemed to understand simultaneously, saluting in unison and about-facing smartly, before setting off with a comparatively unseemly swiftness. Only then did she turn back to me once more. “Shall we?”
I led her inside to the dining area. Neither of us went for any alcohol, despite my offer: Celestia made herself a cup of tea, and I just got some water. I offered to make it for her the first time she visited, but she insisted she wanted to do it herself. Apparently it was a novel experience for her; the sheer thrill of personally doing something so utterly mundane evidently still hadn’t worn off.
My relationship with Celestia was… odd. She had been the first to find me in Canterlot Palace, by virtue of me appearing in her washroom (unoccupied at the time, thank God), and opening the door into her face. Some unpleasantries did occur, though they were quickly disposed of once I made clear my situation. In time, while we were considering exactly what to do with me, I found myself confiding more and more closely with her, as she did with me. Eventually, when my time in Canterlot came to a close, I called her one of my closest friends (and not just because she was one of my only friends). To this day, I have no idea how I managed to pull it off. Perhaps it was more accurate to say that she made friends with me, rather than vice versa.
We exchanged letters regularly. To put it another way, she sent me letters about her life as a horse-sorcerer-goddess, and I replied mostly to let her know I was still kicking – not much happens around here, after all. Occasionally, she’d pop in personally, for a chat, some tea, sometimes a stroll through the surroundings, other times simply reading trashy novels in companionable quiet. I was grateful for her company. Despite my anti-social nature, I did get cravings for some company now and again. It was a mutually-psychologically-beneficial exchange, on top of a close friendship.
We started with some small talk. How we were doing, what new had happened recently. Celestia vented some frustration at some twat or another in the nobility being a dick. The usual sort of stuff. Eventually, though, we moved on to other topics.
“So,” Celestia began, once we were both seated with our drinks, opposite and staring at each other across the table. “What, exactly, was this all about?”
I set my cup of water down, and massaged my forehead again. “I don’t even know, to be honest. Fleethoof told me that somebody was hanging around here and saw my flag flying. And they told the cheese about it. Apparently, they thought someone was invading this random patch of forest to claim it as their own.”
“Haven’t you?” Celestia quipped over her teacup.
I snorted. “I guess so. Not in that sense, though. I mean… where would I even start?” The realisation made me snort again. “Well, I guess that’s exactly where I’d start. Plant a flag on someone else’s shit, the true British way. But no, that’s not what I mean by it. Running a country is boring, anyway.”
“So what do you mean by it?” came the obvious follow-up.
“Two things. One, to mark where I live.” Celestia snickered. “Hey, you laugh, but it’s been more useful than you might think!”
“I’m sure,” she said. “And the second?”
I sighed, suddenly turning pensive. “The second… is to remember. That flag is of the country where I was born. I spent half my life there. Well, not counting my time here. They’re some of the best memories I have, even today. You ever hear the saying? ‘Nothing is ever really lost to us as long as we remember it.’ Well… my home, my family, everything I ever did back there… that’s all gone now. The only thing I have of them left is the memory.” I gave Celestia a thin, brittle smile. “That flag is how I chose to remember it.”
“I see,” she said, sipping her tea, her own expression turned morose.
“Sorry,” I said. “Didn’t mean to bring the mood down. I was always a nostalgic sort.”
“That’s fine.”
A comfortable silence passed over us as I reached for my water. It didn’t last very long, though, as the second I put it back down, Celestia spoke again.
“Besides… ‘Free State of Awesome Humanity?’” Her brow was raised in disbelief. I did at least have the decency to flush.
“Hey, it was the first thing that came to mind! I was never much good at coming up with things on the spot. Not to mention it was also a technically accurate description!”
Celestia merely smiled knowingly. Mercifully, though, she didn’t press on the subject. “What do you mean by ‘first thing that came to mind?’”
At least, that’s how I chose to see it. “I don’t know, actually. I’ve had nation building back on my mind recently, for whatever bloody reason. I guess I just extrapolated from that?”
The smirk disappeared from her face. Now, I had caught her interest. “Nation building?”
“Yeah.” I nodded, deep in thought. “It’s honestly a really fascinating subject. I read some basics on the concept, back home, but that was a good while ago now. You Equestrians don’t have much on it, but I recently got my hands on a treatise on the subject, I think by some griffon chap? It’s not very popular there, as I understand it – griffons being griffons, I suppose – but it does have some interesting stuff in it. Come to think of it, I was quite big on grand strategy games back in the day. Maybe that’s where I got it from.”
“But you said running a country was boring?”
“Well, yeah,” I vacillated. “It is. Running a country you’re given is boring. Actually, no, running a country is boring in any case. But making a country from scratch, now that activates my almonds. So many different little things go into a nation-state, and when you get to make one from the ground up, you can control every single little piece of it. Aesthetics, culture, composition, national symbols. Hell, even fundamentals, like language or morality.” I shook my head, my mood light. “Once they’re set, though, it becomes very difficult to mould, resistant to change. One man rarely succeeds when going against a bureaucracy, and they rarely succeed against cultural norms either. It takes big events with great power to shake things up then, or at the very least a constant stream of ‘one men.’ That's when it gets boring.”
“Do you speak from experience?” Celestia asked, brow furrowed. “Your knowledge has concerning detail to it.”
“Of course not!” I exclaimed in disbelief at her insinuation. “I’m the exact wrong sort of person to turn into a revolutionary, or a fervent ideologue! Most of my ‘experience’ in statesmanship is derived from Civilization Five, for fuck’s sake. It’s not exactly the sort of thing applicable to reality, in any sense of the term. No no, my interest in nation-building is just that: an interest. A mental exercise, nothing more and nothing less.”
“My apologies. I simply didn’t think you’d be interested in subjects such as that,” said Celestia.
“What, geopolitics? Nation-state theory? You know, your Majesty, just because I happened to grow up as a country bumpkin doesn’t mean my interests extend solely to agriculture!”
“I apologise,” said Celestia, feigning contrition. “I did not mean to offend.”
“Hmm. As long as you’re sorry for it.” I crossed my arms, smirking at her to show I wasn’t serious.
An absolutely devilish smirk crawled onto her face, one I hadn’t yet learned the meaning of. “Oh, sir Inns, I do sincerely apologise for so grievously attacking your character. Please, allow me to make amends for my indiscretion.” She set her teacup down, and stood up from her chair.
My own smirk fell off, my lips instead forming a thin line as I narrowed my eyes. “Okay, what -”
“By the power vested in me, I, Princess Celestia, Alicorn of the Sun and Diarch of Equestria, hereby officially recognise the independence of the Free State of Awesome Humanity, under its glorious leader Adam Inns, Supreme Overlord of All Mankind.”
I gaped at her, jaw falling open.
All Celestia did was wink at me. “Put that knowledge of yours to good use, Adam. I’ll send the official documents through the Mail Service.”
And before I could start guffawing, she was out the doors and flying away.
A few days passed since Celestia’s impromptu visit. I had written off her declaration as a joke, and a pretty funny one at that, though at my expense it may have been. As soon as she left, I couldn’t help but collapse into hysterics. I still chuckled every time I thought of it. Awesome Humanity was, after all, an incredibly dumb name to stick in official documents.
I was minding my own business, going through a piece of griffon literature I had gotten in exchange for a bottle of my weaker stuff. It wasn’t the treatise; I’d gotten through it twice already, and it was rather more dull the second time around. Instead, I was reading perhaps the strangest crime thriller ever put to paper. It was strikingly similar to literature back home in terms of broad strokes – ponies were comparatively much more saccharine, and I hadn’t yet gotten my hands on any written work penned by minotaurs, dragons, diamond dogs, etc. if any even existed. Rather, where this book differed was in its execution. Griffon cultural mores came through loud and clear here: almost every character was batshit insane by my standards, and the inciting incident was so laughable it made me want to weep. Apparently, the antagonist – the sheriff – considered the theft of a bucket of fish and twenty-four bits enough to warrant the death penalty. Maybe, though, that was just because they were his.
Anyway. I had just about gotten to the climax of the story when I was interrupted by insistent knocking on my front door. Suppressing my irritation (poorly), I set my book face-down on the armrest and got off my couch, stalking over to my door and flinging it open.
“Yes?” I was greeted by the sight of a mailpony, wearing the usual light blue cap and saddlebags. In fact, everything about her was ‘usual.’ Usual dark green coat; usual short, windswept light blue mane; usual cheery smile. “Oh hello, Swift. I wasn’t expecting you today.”
“Special delivery,” she said, fumbling open her bags with her wings. “Got some important letters addressed to you, apparently straight from the Crown. Not the usual,” she clarified, to my mounting confusion. “I mean real, official, ‘From the Office of the Celestial Diarchy’ business. Sealed up and everything.”
Oh fuck me sideways. Official correspondence from the Crown had reached me precisely twice: a pardon, for technically trespassing on Crown property, and an Equestrian citizenship. Celestia had only ever sent me private mail since. I had treated her as a pen pal for so long, I had actually almost forgotten that she did, indeed, preside over an entire civilisation, and had done so for millennia. To receive Crown correspondence out of the blue like this... it could not possibly have been good news.
My growing dread was put on hold when Swift Wings finally handed me a monstrous folder of paper, with two letters… I think glued to its front. This… did not look like bad news, at first glance. This looked more like… maybe a month’s worth of bureaucratic waste energy? Like somebody in government had rooted through their bins and sent me all the juicy scrap notes and memos. Why had this been sent to me?
“Sign here, please,” said Swift, holding out a quill and a notice of receipt on her other wing. I dutifully filled in my signature as necessary, to which Swift Wings gave me a nod and a warm smile, before departing once more. I was left in front of my house, staring dumbly at the frankly alarming amount of paper in my hands.
I took it inside, placing it less-than-gently on the table in my kitchen area. Tearing off the first envelope on the folder, I undid the seal on its back and retrieved the letter inside.
As it turned out, I had received some private mail after all.
To Adam Inns,
Have fun.
Celestia
Just… not an awful lot of it. I had to shake my head at her antics. The second letter was less laconic, but it did at least tell me exactly what was going on.
Addressed to Supreme Overlord Inns of the Free State of Awesome Humanity
This letter is to officially inform you that the Diarchy of Equestria has formally accepted your sovereignty and dominion over the Free State and its territory, as defined by attached documentation.
In addition, the Diarchy of Equestria informs you that it intends to establish official diplomatic relations with the Free State. We wish to express to your Magnificence our desire to create, maintain and strengthen excellent relations between our two nations, both personal and official, as well as to facilitate good relations between the Free State and the many nations of the global community. We hope you will contribute to the peace and harmony that Equestria has maintained for a millennium.
The Diarchy awaits your official response at your earliest convenience.
From the Office of the Celestial Diarchy,
with the authority ofPrincess Celestia Morningstar de Hemera, the Illuminant
Princess Luna de Mene (in absentia)
What.
Seriously. What.
The letter fell from between my fingers, fluttering gently to the floor. I had to check through the folder to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating, or going insane, or been sent the wrong mail by mistake. Sure enough, more official-looking notes were present. One sheet had a map of the surrounding area, with the White Tail Woods apparently cordoned off separately; a protrusion carved down south to the river, taking a good chunk of empty land with it, and another one went north, a blob of land generally around my house taking a neat chunk of green pasture for added variety. A footnote at the bottom read Provisional Territorial Extent of the Free State of Awesome Humanity.
This was, without a doubt, the most elaborate prank I think Celestia had ever pulled on me. I idly wondered if this was the magnum opus of her trying to get back at me for suddenly appearing in her bathroom when I got here. Skimming through the rest of the folder revealed little else of interest – mainly bureaucratic filler, all the legalese necessary to make things 100% honest-to-God official.
No two ways around it. All bow before the Supreme Overlord.
As I replaced all the documents back in the folder, though, one question kept ringing through my mind. What the hell am I supposed to do with all this?
These weren’t cheap print-out fakes for a laugh. This was legitimate. I was officially a head of state. Did… did Celestia expect me to do something, now? Have a crack at taking over the world? Was this a secret test of character or something? In all honesty, I had no fucking clue what I was supposed to do.
So with that in mind, I filed the big scary folder o’paper away in a drawer somewhere, went outside for a walk, and promptly forgot all about it.
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Wait does this take place before Luna returns?
Based on the description, this little prank is going to bite Celestia in the ass HARD.
Here's an extra headache for you. I wonder if the "Empire of Humanity" will not collapse.😁
Idk y but I hate how this ended all for Me ill burn the house move out and never go back if that happened to me how it happened idk if it was a prank or not he sead no a lot in it and yeat she had to be a ass I'm out of it that what ill do Equestria would be out grifstonea or were menitors live ill move thear the land would be burned down before I go as well
Hmmm....I do love me a good civ builder fic. Hope this one turns out well.
...Is that the flag of Peru? Huh, you don't see that one every day.
Don't forget to mention Hearts of Iron IV: Equestria at War, perfectly applicable to reality here.
11536375
I’m leaning more towards Latvia. It seems to line more up with the “dark red … with a thin white stripe”.
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/84/Flag_of_Latvia.svg/800px-Flag_of_Latvia.svg.png
…Sorry, my apologies. I believe now it would be for the Free State of Awesome Humanity,
all rise for the national anthem11543872
O el clásico Age Of Empires (el reboot de una de sus versiones tiene las voces latinas del Duende Verde y Piccolo). Bueno, hora de sacar los autos Kobra: How do you turn this on.