Doubts and Anxiety

by Catpaw616

Torn

The rain seemed to downpour for hours as Starlight continued to run. Her mane was wet, and she was really cold. But those things meant nothing to her. She just kept running. In fact, criminals do deserve to be cold and wet.

She looked back as she ran, making sure she wasn't followed. But as she did that, she suddenly felt her hooves slip from the ground, and landed on a wet surface. Disgusted, and even more angry, she got to her feet, and she realized that she had fallen on the mud, and it was all over her coat and mane.

Normally she would clean off the mud, since she didn't like to be dirty. But then again, she thought she should keep it. Monsters don't deserve to be pretty and clean.

"Starlight! Where are you?" Starlight was alarmed when she heard Twilight's call to her. She didn't want to talk to her. She didn't want to talk to anyone. Especially to a pony that she had disappointed greatly.

At the sound of her voice, she ran as fast as she could, hopefully to escape the alicorn.

Eventually she arrived at a deep forest, far from Ponyville, far from the ponies that rightfully call her out, and far from Twilight.

Normally, I'm not a coward. Starlight thought to herself, but she corrected herself. What am I even thinking? Of course I am.

Eventually her legs were starting to hurt from running so much. Picking a spot, she decided to lay next to a river. Thankfully, the spot was covered with trees, with only a few spots where sunlight could seek through. Twilight wouldn't find her if she looked up above. Which was fine. She didn't deserve to be found.

Maybe I should live here for the rest of my days. Not even a castle feels deserving anymore. Starlight thought in her head in resentment. Just when she thought she had gotten over her misdeeds, she was back to where she started. Hating herself and doubting if she even deserved redemption.

Get over yourself. Another part of Starlight told her in her mind. What are you, a crybaby?

Then she realized that she was crying. She wiped a tear, and looked at it when it stained her hoof. "I guess I am."

After putting her face on her hooves for a while, she noticed that a river was flowing next to her. She got up and went to it, looking at her reflection.

"Look at this." Starlight muttered while laughing bitterly as she touched her bang. "I'm a mask of what I really am. Why did I think that this is going to cover up my crimes?"

After splashing her reflection in anger, Starlight used her magic on her bang. Soon afterward, her bangs were back to being flat. The same style she used when she terrorized Twilight and her friends.

After standing by the river for a while, she closed her eyes. "This is it. I'm going insane."

After crying silently for maybe ten minutes, she suddenly stopped crying when she heard the sound of hoofsteps behind her. Then it got closer, and closer.

Normally she would start running, in case it was Twilight or Spike. But there was a chance that it was another pony that hated her. A pony that would try to push her to the river, since she was close to the edge.

She didn't even dare to look back. "If I were you, I would suggest you leave me alone." she threatened.

"I'd figured that you would like a friend." A familiar voice answered her.

Recognizing the voice, Starlight turned and saw the pony that had stood up for her at the restaurant. "Bon Bon?"

"In the flesh." she answered.

Starlight smiled, happy that it was a pony that cared about her besides Twilight and Spike. But happiness turned into suspicion. "Why are you here?"

"I'd figured that you needed comfort." Bon Bon told her.

"I don't need comfort." Starlight told her. She didn't even sound angry or irritated anymore. Instead, she felt defeated. "The only comfort I have are negative thoughts and tears."

Bon Bon sighed. "Look, I'm sorry about what he said back there. It was... irrational."

Starlight said nothing.

"I've seen you around today. Being treated like a criminal." Bon Bon told her. "I wish I spoke up sooner."

"I am a criminal though." She told the cream-colored pony. "Nothing more, nothing less."

"Not in Twilight's eyes, you're not." Bon Bon objected.

Starlight scoffed. "That's because she's the Princess of Friendship. If she weren't, she would feel the same feelings that the others have felt." she said. Then another dreadful question hit her. Is Twilight only friends with me because she's the Princess of Friendship?

"Don't be silly." Bon Bon rolled her eyes. "I forgave you, yet I'm not the Princess of Friendship."

"Yeah... why is that?" Starlight asked with a raised eyebrow. "Why did you forgive me? Why aren't you one of them? You did know what I did, right?"

"Of course I do. Everyone does. But it was because I believed that you've have reformed." Bon Bon answered simply. "Yeah Discord did us dirty, and you did enslave a town and almost destroyed Equestria. But I don't hold grudges. Besides, you're being targeted for something that wasn't even your fault."

Finally someone said it!

"But, you can't let these thoughts get to you, you know." Bon Bon told her.

"I've tried. I've tried so hard to ignore it, but each time I did, it had gotten worse." Starlight tried explaining. She didn't even try to hide the anger in her voice.

"Starlight, you know you're not a criminal anymore. You know that you deserve forgiveness. Why should a few negative, hateful ponies stop you from believing that?"

"I..." Starlight was about to say something, but she closed her mouth. She got her there.

"Did it trigger something?" Bon Bon asked her curiously.

Starlight was hesitant about that question. Should she tell her?

"It's ok. You don't have to say anything." Bon Bon put her hoof on her back. "You'll be ok."

"Will I?" Starlight asked her, still feeling doubtful. "What if these feelings never go away?"

Bon Bon shrugged. "They might, they might not. But you can either drown in negative thoughts. Or rise to the surface and conquer these fears." she told her. "But I know you can do the latter. You just need to convince yourself about it."

Starlight stared at her in silence, and looked at the ground, taking her words to heart.

After a few moments, Bon Bon cleared her throat. "Anyways, I should go. I'm not a good therapist. Even if ponies don't forgive you, just know that you at least have me."

Bon Bon bid her goodbye, then she turned to leave.

"Wait." Starlight called her.

Bon Bon turned around. "What is it?"

"What did Discord do to Ponyville?" Starlight asked her.

"I guess Twilight never told you about that story." Bon Bon lightly chuckled before sighing, digging deep in her memories. "Discord, a reformed villain, betrayed us to a creature named Tirek. Sucked the energy out of us, along with our cutie marks. We couldn't walk, or do anything, actually."

Starlight's heart lurched when she mentioned the cutie marks. That's almost similar to what I did... But what shocked her more was when she heard how Bon Bon described the feeling of having their energy drained. It sounded horrible to go through.

Were they scared that I was going to take away their cutie marks, similar to how Tirek did it? she asked in her mind.

"Thank you." Starlight said to the pony. "This... means a lot."

Bon Bon smiled at her warmly as she entered out of the forest.

Remaining alone once more, Starlight thought more about what the mare said. You just need to convince yourself... The words echoed in her mind.

Can I? Starlight asked herself once more. She eyed the river once again. She looked down at her reflection. Her ears went down when she saw herself: messy, dirty, and lost.

"This isn't the life I want to live." Starlight muttered to herself. She rubbed her forehead, trying to think.

You'll be ok. The words continued to ring in her head.

If I want to live a happier life. I have to let go of these feelings. She thought once more. I have to do it. For me.

With her mind set up, she reverted her mane back to it's singular bang, hopefully for good. Then she started getting the mud out of her lilac coat.

Comments

[starcoder]

I like the self-hatred there, don't ask me why, but I do. Maybe because it captures her pure emotions and is so relatable.

Oh, and, yay! She made her first friend! Nice chapter as always lol

[Catpaw616]

11464468
Actually I like reading stories about Starlight's self hatred. Makes me feel sorry for her.

Ty! And yes, she did technically meet her first friend. I wonder now the StarTrix fans will react. Hopefully calmly.

[Starlight Fan]

Finally. The hatred is ending. Glad that Starlight’s doing better.

[redmar]

At least Starlight is getting better thanks to BonBon. Hopefully the ponies will withhold judgement until Starlight has at least had a chance to prove herself.

[Eragor14]

Once again, this is really well written. I love seeing Starlight's inner conflict over time. Also, it's nice to know that there is at least one other pony that will stand up for Starlight outside of Twilight (Trixie naturally would also stand up for her, but I don't think Starlight has met Trixie yet in this timeline). Hopefully Starlight can also meet Fluttershy as well. After all, Fluttershy loves everypony, including Discord (a being whom everypony hates here despite the fact that he was also responsible for magic being restored and Tirek losing his powers). I think that Starlight would really enjoy talking with her.

[Catpaw616]

11470453

Once again, this is really well written. I love seeing Starlight's inner conflict over time. Also, it's nice to know that there is at least one other pony that will stand up for Starlight outside of Twilight (Trixie naturally would also stand up for her, but I don't think Starlight has met Trixie yet in this timeline).

It was about time she had at least one pony to stand by her side. I don't want to make everyone a jackass.

Hopefully Starlight can also meet Fluttershy as well. After all, Fluttershy loves everypony, including Discord (a being whom everypony hates here despite the fact that he was also responsible for magic being restored and Tirek losing his powers). I think that Starlight would really enjoy talking with her.

One day :)