Barley
By the time they got near the ranch, the snow had piled up an impressive amount, probably at least half a foot if Applejack wanted to guess from her view up in Thistle’s truck.
Luckily, they were able to make it within a reasonable amount of time, even if Applejack had to pretend she hadn’t noticed Thistle scowling the entire way. She hadn’t ever really seen him upset; usually, he was all smiles, but she couldn’t really blame him for being upset over having to drive such a long distance in unsafe, snowy weather.
Alas, the silence had to be broken so Applejack could instruct Thistle on how to actually get to the barn. It was almost hard to speak, so Applejack cleared her throat before saying, “Take a right up here, then just drive down to that stable over there.”
“Sure,” was all Thistle had to say. He turned without using the blinker, but then again, it wasn’t like anyone else was crazy enough to be driving in near white-out conditions.
Snow crunched beneath the tires as the truck bounced on the uneven path. Applejack felt restless in the passenger side seat. She wished she could jump out of the truck and run the rest of the way, but for various reasons, that wasn’t going to happen. Maybe it was for the best, though.
As they approached, Applejack noticed someone sitting outside the barn, clearly miserable in the snow and wind, but bundled up well enough that she didn’t fear the very real possibility of frostbite. It took until they were practically pulled up right next to the person and for them to look up with green eyes for Applejack to realize that it was, in fact, Strawberry Sunrise.
Applejack frowned and unbuckled her seatbelt as Thistle turned the ignition off. It was a bit of a struggle to put on Thistle’s jacket again, but once she had done so, she wished she could urge Thistle to get out of the truck faster. In the meantime, she let herself look out the window at the landscape.
Home. I haven’t been here in forever, Applejack thought with a frown. It definitely wasn’t under the circumstances that she would have ever wanted that she found herself back at home. Just a few yards away in the stable, Barley needed her. She wasn’t sure what she could do, but she needed to be there.
Maybe she needed him. To see him, to make sure he’d be okay. He deserved better. She kept telling herself that. No matter what ended up being in Barley’s future, whether or not that involved Applejack, she had to be there for him now.
Before she could put too much thought into it, someone opened the door to the truck. Cold air and a gust of snowflakes forced Applejack to blink as Strawberry faced her down. Her cheeks were flushed from the cold but otherwise, she surprisingly seemed okay all bundled up.
“You’re a real big idiot, you know that?” Strawberry crossed her arms as she greeted Applejack.
Normally, Applejack might have been amused by Strawberry’s comment, even if she would hate to admit it, but it seemed out of place to joke about anything while Barley needed her. “I couldn’t just stay behind,” she argued.
Strawberry rolled her eyes as Thistle approached them with Applejack’s chair in his grip. Even though he at least had on a flannel sweater and gloves, his skin was flushed and he shivered as he set down the orange wheelchair. A look of uncertainty flashed across his features. “How is this going to work? The snow’s really thick. I don’t know if you can push through it, AJ.”
She hadn’t even thought about that. Applejack let out a shaky breath that materialized in a cloudy mist and grimaced. Snow was never convenient, but it was never a real problem before. It seemed like somehow there were always new obstacles. “I dunno. I gotta make it work though, I don’t care how.”
Thistle set down the chair and ran his hands through his hair, taking off his hat as he thought. “I suppose I can just force ya through the snow.” He turned to Strawberry. “Reckon you can go grab our darlin’ Applejack here a jacket, though? I feel like I’ll freeze to death before we make it back to the barn, and it’s only a stone’s throw away.”
Strawberry gave Thistle a weird look but nodded anyway. “Yeah, fine.” She turned away and trudged back toward the barn, dragging her feet through the snow.
The man sighed and put the hat back on. “Alright, well let’s get you in the chair again, then.” He reached out for Applejack, who wrapped her arms around his neck as he picked her up bridal style. “It’s a good thing I’m strong.”
Applejack smiled a little, though she feigned offense. “You sayin’ I’m fat?”
“No,” he said with a grunt as he set her down in the chair. “I’m sayin’ you’re freakishly tall.”
At some point in her life, Applejack had actually felt insecure about her height. It always seemed like all the other girls she met were shorter than her, and it made her stand out, though not in a way she particularly enjoyed. Then she found out that being tall meant that boys were intimidated by her. That was nice. They left her alone.
She grinned. “True. Good thing I’m in this chair, huh?”
“Yeah, I guess,” Thistle agreed. He put a hand on Applejack’s shoulder. “I was gonna go home so I wouldn’t be caught out in the snow, but I think I’ll check to see if y’all need any help with your horse. I’ve had a couple horses colic, so maybe there’s somethin’ I can do.”
“That’s awful nice of ya, Thistle,” Applejack told him earnestly. She hesitated before putting a hand on his. Was that what she was supposed to do? Judging by his warm smile, it was. “It probably wouldn’t be good to drive back in this weather, anyway. If you don’t have anywhere to be, you could probably stay the night here.”
“That’d be great.” He squeezed her shoulder gently before putting his hand back in his pocket. “Maybe we could finally spend some time together. Talk about a real date? Preferably not one that’s on the same date as your sister’s birthday.”
It was the cold that made Applejack blush. She smiled in the direction of the stable as snow fell around it. “Yeah, sorry about that. I didn’t even notice what day it was, to be honest. These past couple of months have felt…” Her smile dropped a bit. “Well, I guess they’ve just been a bit of a blur.”
“Yeah, well, can’t blame ya there. But you’re back in the real world now, so it’s okay,” Thistle assured her, though his choice of words made Applejack feel a bit downtrodden.
She really had been missing out on the real world, hadn’t she? She’d missed out on so many family dinners, so many stories told, and so many mishaps and mistakes that the rest of her family would surely laugh about for months to come. And there she would be, watching them smile and laugh about inside jokes she wasn’t there for.
Maybe Thistle noticed he had said something wrong. He gave an awkward chuckle and rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s pretty damn cold. Maybe we should start gettin’ over to the stable. I can try and push you through the snow.”
Before Applejack can even agree, the sound of barking filled the air as a little brown body runs through the thick snow, occasionally having to jump up to be able to see. The blonde smiled from ear to ear. “Winona!”
Winona yipped and all but jumped on top of Applejack, though the snow made it difficult for her to get much height, so she settled for simply standing up on her hind legs and using Applejack’s legs as a crutch.
It’s almost as if the cold weather disappeared as Applejack leaned forward to rub Winona’s neck in the way she liked. “Hi, girl! So ya didn’t forget about me?” she teased, trying but eventually giving up on avoiding Winona’s licks. Applejack let out a laugh as she was completely covered in Winona’s slobber and then exclaimed in surprise as the wind instantly made it much colder. “Oh, Winona,” Applejack reprimanded her, though she couldn't help the smile on her face.
After deciding she’d had enough of Applejack, Winona then jumped up at Thistle, who smiled and petted Winona with red hands. He definitely looked like he might turn into an ice cube, but typical boyish machismo seemed to prevent him from admitting it.
“Winona, hey!” a distant Strawberry yelled. “Come back! Damn it!” Winona turned her head toward the sound of her name and, panting, ran toward Strawberry, who trudged back with a shovel in hand and a large jacket. “Winona, go back to Apple Bloom,” Strawberry ordered, pointing to the stables. Surprisingly, the dog didn’t hesitate in running back.
“Nice dog,” Thistle commented, sticking his hands back in his jeans.
Strawberry huffed and handed the jacket to Thistle. “Big Mac said you could use his jacket since it’d probably be easier than going back to the house to get Applejack’s,” she explained. “He’s still trying to get Barley to stand, but it’s warm in there.”
Thistle took the jacket and nodded. “Right, thanks.”
“As for you,” Strawberry continued, turning her glare to Applejack, “I’ve been told to tell you that you’re,” she made air quotes with her fingers, “a right fool.”
“Bloom?” Applejack deadpanned.
“Big Mac, actually,” Strawberry corrected. “And he’s right. You’re an idiot, but you’re here so there’s no use fighting about it right now. That can wait ‘til we’re out of this goddamn snow.”
Her absolute dismay for the snow actually brought a bit of a smile to Applejack’s face. She remembered how much Strawberry had always hated the winter season, even when they were kids. It was always too cold, too lonely, or too boring. She shook her head. “Yeah, we can argue later.”
Strawberry didn’t react in any particular way to that. Instead, she just grabbed the shovel in both hands and did her best to at least clear some of the snow toward the path. Luckily, there wasn’t a very long way to go, but it was still going to be more of a hassle than it should be.
Behind her, Thistle gripped the handlebars of the wheelchair and gave a strong push. It was strange to be pushed through the snow, but considering how much trouble Thistle was having with it, Applejack figured she really couldn’t have done it herself. The implications of it made her frown. How was she supposed to help around in the winter if it was near impossible for her to get around?
She decided she didn’t want to think about that right there and then. “How’s Barley?” she asked instead.
Strawberry grunted as she pushed some snow aside. “Well, he’s still not great, but it honestly could be worse. I think if Mac manages to get him on his feet, he’ll be fine. It would definitely be a best-case scenario if the vet’s able to come around, though, but I’m not sure if she’d make it on time. She said she’s doing her best, but there’s a road closure over on the freeway.”
“Shit, we got lucky then,” Applejack muttered. “Well, now that Thistle’s here, maybe he can help, right?” She turned back to look at Thistle, who was straining a bit, but he gave her a quick smile.
“Sure. I can do my best, at least.”
“Who are you, anyway?” Strawberry asked, looking over at Thistle as she cleared the rest of the path where the snow was too deep.
Applejack raised an eyebrow at Strawberry’s tone. “He’s my friend,” she responded for him.
The redhead gave a noncommittal grunt and stood in front of the stables about ten feet away. The doors were closed, but it was probably for the best. The cold wouldn’t get in that way, and it would make being indoors a lot easier. Applejack rubbed her hands together as Thistle finally closed the distance between them and the stables, and once Strawberry opened the barn door, there was a surprising surge of heat that was incredibly welcome.
“Close the door before ya let all the heat out!” Apple Bloom yelled from somewhere out of view.
Applejack took in the view. Her sister sat at the entrance to Barley’s stall while only her brother’s boots were visible as he knelt inside the stall where Applejack assumed Barley lay.
As soon as her wheels hit solid ground, Applejack’s hands moved to the pushrims and pushed her forward to where she knew Barley’s stall was. “How’s he doing?” she asked her sister as she neared.
“He doesn’t wanna get up, but he keeps tryin’ to roll over,” Apple Bloom informed her, giving her a hug that was probably meant more for herself than for Applejack.
The older girl nodded and kissed the top of Apple Bloom’s head gently. Barley was, in fact, on the ground but he seemed restless, though he made no move to get up. He only wanted to roll over, but if he did, he would definitely get stuck.
“Don’t let him cast,” Applejack told Big Mac, who was doing all he could to get Barley back up. He simply nodded in return.
Both Strawberry and Thistle approached the group simultaneously, though Strawberry had at some point taken off her jacket and left on the gloves, sweater, and hat, while Thistle kept the jacket Big Mac had lent on him, clearly still cold.
“Any progress?” Strawberry asked, her voice shaking a bit from the cold, though she clearly tried to hide it.
Apple Bloom shook her head while Big Mac rubbed Barley’s forehead in an attempt to calm him down.
Applejack anxiously bit her lip and brought her hands together to toy with the ring she’d become so reliant on as a soothing object. Barley was right there in front of her. Her horse. He was more than that, really, but she couldn’t even find the words to describe it. It was almost as if Barley was a part of her somehow. She wanted to reach out and pet him, to caress him again and find familiarity on his brown and white coat. But even if she could reach him safely, she couldn’t imagine doing that to herself. Not with Barley.
With a sad shake of her head, Applejack backed up and made her way to the other side of the stable. Or at least, she tried to, because before she could get too far, Strawberry asked, “You okay?”
It was surprising, really, that Strawberry would have been the one to ask. Applejack paused and put on her best smile, though it felt weak on her lips. “Yeah, I just…” She turned back to look at Strawberry, who had a worried frown, and that made Applejack’s attempt at a smile fall away. “I’m in the way. I’m gonna go find somethin’ else to do.”
Strawberry didn’t stop her. Maybe she wasn’t sure how. Applejack kind of wished she had. But then what?
Her hands led her to the tack and saddle corner. She frowned at the mess. Apple Bloom hadn’t been cleaning or organizing like she was supposed to. Everyone’s tack was all mixed up. Bridles weren’t kept in their spots, and halters were strewn about. Bits weren’t kept in the way they were meant to. Applejack shook her head and figured she would try and make herself useful.
The only problem was that she couldn’t quite reach the hooks. A small surge of frustration bubbled inside her, but she thought about what Rain said to her.
“Don’t forget what I taught you. Don’t give up when things are tough, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.”
She couldn’t let herself get frustrated at something like this. It was just tack. Sure, it was messy and disorganized and Apple Bloom should have done her job, but she didn’t and that was it. Sure, Applejack wanted to organize it and be useful and not just be in the way, but she couldn’t reach it. That sucked.
With furrowed eyebrows, Applejack reached up and grabbed a bridle from the bottom half of the reins and tried to swing it off the hook. She realized that having Thistle’s jacket on wasn’t quite helping and was actually getting to be a bit warm, so she took it off and went to place it on top of a nearby saddle.
She glanced at it with a sad smile. The brown leather saddle went mostly unused; it had been a prize saddle from Applejack’s first overall cowgirl win, but she insisted on using her old “lucky” saddle. It seemed almost a shame that it just sat in the back of the stables unused, but it sure was pretty to look at. Applejack ran a hand over it and found it to be surprisingly chilly. Every stitch and embroidered detail was a pleasure to her fingertips.
Her heart ached. Feeling a saddle under her fingertips brought her back to every competition, every practice, every chore. Every moment spent on horseback, whether it be with Barley or with her first horse Tailor, or with the working horses or with a client horse. She remembered the feeling of freedom that being on a saddle gave her. The wind through her hair, the sun on her cheeks, and a horse under her. The feeling of galloping as fast as the horse could, as fast as she could handle, and when she felt brave, the feeling of letting go of the reins and stretching out her arms to feel that power and freedom and just close her eyes and trust in her horse.
She felt all that, and then she remembered the pain. The pain of falling off the saddle, of hitting the floor, of having to duck out of the way of hooves, of bruises and cuts and scrapes. The pain of having to shake off a hit to the head, of hoping that it was just a sprain, of having the wind knocked out of her lungs. She remembered the pain of trying to stand up and having her body be uncooperative. Of realizing she lost a part of herself that she could never have back.
And yet, all she was really feeling was a saddle.
Applejack swallowed dryly and placed the jacket on top of the saddle. She knew better than to try to organize, to try to pretend that there was something normal she could do. Barley needed help, yet she couldn’t help. The tack needed organizing, yet she couldn’t even get them off the damn hooks.
Honestly, she was surprised it took so long for her throat to close in the threat of a sob. Rain had warned her once that going back home would be the hardest part. That having someplace so familiar feel so different would hurt really bad. And she had barely been home for ten minutes and already she felt defeated. How was she supposed to go back to a normal life? It hurt bad. It really did, but she wasn’t ready for it to feel this bad.
It was just tack and a saddle. She wanted to tell herself to just get over it, that it was just tack and a saddle. But it wasn’t just that. It was the way that it was such an effort to get through the snow, the way the loose hay felt beneath her wheels. It was the way that there was so much out of reach, that not even the convenience of a workbench was convenient anymore. It was the way that it was different, and Applejack had never been good with change.
But she wasn’t about to start crying, not with her family right there. Nor with Thistle or Strawberry. Especially not when they needed to focus their attention on Barley.
Barley, who she knew deserved better. She hoped that he would recover, that the vet would get here soon, or that Thistle really did have something to offer in terms of help. She wanted Barley to have a better life, and he couldn’t stay if she wanted that. She was going to have to sell him.
“Yes!” Thistle’s voice cut into her thoughts. “C’mon, buddy. Keep going!”
Applejack blinked away a lone tear and turned her head back towards everyone else. Thistle and Big Mac were in Barley’s stall and they seemed to actually be getting Barley to his feet. She made her way back over and watched as the two men gave Barley space and he got to his feet once more.
Everyone in the room let out a collective sigh of relief, including Applejack, who couldn’t help but notice that Barley was still in some pain. But hey, he was up. And that was really good.
“I told you that’d work,” Thistle commented to Big Mac, who shook Thistle’s hand and patted him on the back with the other. “Now we just gotta keep him walkin’ so he doesn’t try and lie down again.”
Just at the perfect time, Big Mac’s phone started ringing, still in Strawberry’s possession. Without hesitating, she took it out and answered the call. “Yes. Oh, that’s fantastic. He’s on his feet again, but he still seems really uncomfortable. Okay, thanks. See you soon!” As soon as the phone call started, it ended. Strawberry gave the phone back to Big Mac and said, “Vet will be here within ten minutes. She said to keep Barley moving and that she will get him feeling better soon.”
“See?” Thistle said with a boastful smile.
Barley nickered uncomfortably and shook his head, but followed Thistle’s lead as he led the stallion out from his stall. Applejack wheeled back a bit to give them space. Her hands shook as she gripped her pushrims tightly. He was right there and he was going to be okay.
He was going to be fine. That was all she wanted for him. Seeing him again ripped her in two. She wanted nothing more than to just have one last good ride on him. One that didn’t have him bucking her off. Or, hell, he could buck her off a million times if that was what he wanted to do, but she would do anything just to be in the saddle again. On him.
“I want to go home,” Applejack heard herself say.
Just about everyone turned to face her quizzically. Of course they would. Barley was her horse. Why wouldn’t she want to stay to make sure everything went well? Was she that much of an asshole? Did she not care? Was she selfish?
She wished it wasn’t true, but it was. She was selfish. She wanted to leave because it would be too hard to stay. It’d make letting go harder.
“I’ll go back with you,” Strawberry offered. “I don’t think I’m being much help anyway. The path from here to the house is mostly cleared.”
Applejack couldn’t find it within her to argue, so she simply nodded. “Yeah, sure.”
Big Mac specifically looked extremely puzzled. “You okay, AJ?”
Leave it to him to read her like a book. She shot him a look that he would definitely understand. “I’ll be fine.”
He nodded and turned his attention back to Barley and tenderly felt his abdominal area.
“Can I come with you?” Apple Bloom asked, peeking from behind the wall of a different stall. She had been brushing Domino, but she didn’t seem all too enthused with the chore.
Big Mac and Strawberry shared a glance that Applejack couldn’t quite figure out before he said, “Actually, I need you to stay and get some electrolyte water for Barley,” Big Mac told her. Reluctantly, she nodded and grabbed a bucket. Big Mac turned back to Applejack. “I cleared the snow before ya came. Might have already built up, but it’ll be easier to get through than when you first got here.”
With an appreciative nod, Applejack returned to the tack corner and did her best to avoid looking at the mess just out of reach. She grabbed Thistle’s coat from the saddle and put it on without a second thought. It was just a saddle, anyway.
Strawberry met Applejack near the back entrance and opened the door with a heave of effort. The wind immediately whipped Applejack’s hair around and blew snow into her eyes, which she blinked away before squinting. It was coming down hard, but at least it wasn’t getting worse.
Even in the near white-out conditions, home was in sight. The faded red building seemed so close and yet so far away, separated by a layer of white. The roof was caked with a thick blanket of snow that made it seem like a scene from a snow globe. She hadn’t once given thought to how home would feel. The ranch house called out to her, drawing her in after months away.
The icy wind chilled her bones, but Applejack pressed on regardless. It was difficult to push through the snow, but it was actually somewhat manageable just like Big Mac had predicted. Strawberry shut the doors to the stables and caught up to Applejack, who hadn’t gone very far, with snow crunching beneath her boots.
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Good chapter, glad to see a new one. I've had pets of my own before but I'll bet it's different compared to the kind of personal relationship that Applejack has with Barley.
11487769
Thanks! Yeah I really had to hone in on the fact that she and Barley have an incredibly close connection, I hope it’s come through
it’s understandable to be upset over having to do such a drive, but this overlapping with other ways to interpret that scowl… you are good at this!
love that her eyes are green
classic Strawbs, love it!
hell yeah and also makes you think
that seemingly inadvertently making her feel a bit downtrodden thing…
aww, that’s so nice! glad that Applejack’s relationship with Winona is one (possibly the only one?) that wouldn’t be affected by all this
augh the cruel irony of Applejack of all ponies to go through this :(
love Strawberry’s tone
but not to us!
hey that’s the title of the story!
love how evocative these paragraphs are. really makes one feel what Applejack has lost, and the pain of it, augh
Rain really knew what he was talking about here! seeing and feeling up-close the difference between what Applejack could do in her old life and now, surrounded by all those memories and traces, i just can’t imagine how that feels
so true
and augh, full circle with that flashback…
again love Applejack’s assumptions about how the people who know her best and love her the most would be viewing her in this moment. augh. she has such brain sadness!
dang Big Mac is quick on the draw!
just clamp it away, AJ! along with so many other things…