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Prologue809 words
Chapter 12,198 words
Chapter 21,729 words
Chapter 31,396 words

Chapter 2

“Damn, this place is fancy.”

Parody’s words were not wrong.

As befitting of the most expensive restaurant in the city of Canterlot, the decorations were grandiose, ostentatious, and made of enough glittering gold to blind Parody should he look at them at the wrong angle. Magnificent carved pillars held up the ceiling from which solid gold chandeliers hung. Imposing statues watched over the room, guarding the masterpiece artworks adorning the walls. A delightful aroma of subtle seasonings filled the air, whetting one’s appetite.

As the snazzy waiter guided them to the best seats in the house, Celestia turned to Parody, “Yes, I have hosted many a dinner party with foreign dignitaries here.”

“I can tell, this place is super fancy. Thankfully, I’ve dressed for the occasion.” He reached up and flaunted the clip-on bowtie attached to his shirt.

Celestia let out a giggle, “I see you’ve pulled out all the stops.”

After reaching their table, Parody immediately plopped down and stared slouching in his chair.

Celestia glanced at her chair, “Not feeling very chivalrous, are we?”

“Hmm?” Parody blinked. “Oh, right, your chair.” Rather than stand up, Parody decided to lean back in his seat and nudge the opposite chair out with his foot.

With a soft laugh, Celestia sat down. Parody attempted to pull her chair in by hooking his foot around the leg of her chair, but as he didn’t have the leverage, he quickly gave up with a dismissive, “Ah, you’ve got telekinesis, you’re fine.”

As Celestia scooted herself in, the waiter returned with water and menus. “Here are your waters. I will return shortly to take your order.”

The waiter walked away, and Celestia turned to Parody, “So, what are you going-?”

He held up a hand to silence her, staring at the menu with intense concentration. Figuring that he was busy deciphering the menu, Celestia shrugged and looked over her own.

After a couple minutes, the waiter returned. To Celestia’s surprise, Parody ordered with an unexpected level of confidence. He spoke clearly, and didn’t ask any questions. ‘Perhaps he has more experience with high society than I thought.’ Celestia mused, before placing her own order.

After the waiter left, she glanced at Parody, “So, what made you choo-?”

Parody turned and cut her off, “So, what the heck did I just order?”

“…What?” Celestia blinked, caught off guard. “Wait, you don’t know what you ordered?”

“Celestia, you’re lucky I can read and speak basic Equestrian. I don’t know any of the other fake languages on this planet. There’s no way I could have read that menu. Plus, to make things worse, the blasted thing was written in pony cursive. Pony Cursive!” Parody threw his hands in the air in exasperation, “And here I thought cursive couldn’t get any worse!”

That brief image of a confident Parody started to crumble in Celestia’s mind. “If you couldn’t read the menu, then how did you order so confidently?”

He shrugged, “Dude, I just picked a couple things at random and spent the entire time trying to piece together how the individual words were pronounced. I can say the words; no idea what they mean, though.”

Illusion shattered, Celestia began to laugh. He was back to being the same old silly, nonsensical human. She felt silly for thinking otherwise. “If you couldn’t read the menu, why didn’t you ask me for help?”

Another shrug. “Guy’s gotta look cool.”

Peals of laughter echoed throughout the restaurant.

Parody smiled and pointed, “That. That is why I didn’t ask for help.”

Trying to stifle her giggles, Celestia glanced at him, “Well, I appreciate the laugh, but now you’re stuck eating whatever you just ordered.”

“Geh,” he froze, “You’re right.” He was silent for a moment. “… So, are you going to tell me what I ordered?”

Celestia shook her head, “No, I don’t think I will. After all, why ruin the surprise?”

With a sigh, Parody slumped in his chair, “Well, I hope it’s something I can eat.”

“This… is not something I can eat.”

Laid out before Parody was what appeared to be a fancy noodle dish with braids of hay and dandelions, garnished with colorful flowers and drizzled in vinaigrette.

Celestia laughed from over her grand garden salad. “Not to your taste?”

Parody picked up a braid and nibbled on the end of it. “Begh,” his face scrunched up, “Oh yeah, that’s a very… earthy taste.” He glanced up, “Can’t say I’m a fan.”

“Well, you’ll have to tough it out,” Celestia spoke between bites of salad. “It would be very rude to not eat anything after ordering so confidently.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Gimme a sec.” Parody glanced off to the side. Celestia turned to look, but there wasn’t anything there. After a couple seconds, Parody returned to his plate and began eating, this time with no reaction.

Figuring that he was just toughing it out, Celestia shrugged to herself before resuming eating.

After finishing most of his braids, Parody took a swig of his tea, a blend Celestia recognized as one of the sweetest teas out there, mixed with cream and sugar. While not one of her favorites, Celestia herself was rather fond of the brew, though she knew there were ponies who found it almost repugnantly sweet.

“How’s the tea?”

Parody raised his brow and shrugged, “Bitter, I guess. It’s tea.”

As something of a tea aficionado, Celestia took a little offense to that. “‘It’s bitter because it’s tea?’ Those are the words of someone who doesn’t understand the many fragrances and subtle flavors that can be provided when properly brewed.”

Parody held up his hands in surrender, “Alright, look, I’m not a big tea guy, okay? I’m a soda man, but there’s not really any fountain machines here. Besides, I didn’t really order this intentionally.”

“Hmph.” Celestia turned her nose in the air and playfully snubbed him before returning to her salad. Still…

Bitter?

That was one of the sweetest teas available. Unless his tastebuds weren’t working, it shouldn’t have been bitter at all. If anything, his mouth should have puckered up at the sheer sugar content. Perhaps forcing himself to eat the braids messed up his sense of taste.

Celestia glanced up at Parody.

Either that or he was just trying to get a rise out of her.

Noticing her stare, Parody smirked.

Definitely just messing with her.

“Well, anyway, I’m just glad it wasn’t wine or anything. Not a big alcohol guy, either.”

“Really?” Celestia was surprised. “I’d have figured you for a guy who likes to cut loose.”

His face became a little serious, “Yeah, well, contrary to what most people think of me, I’m not too big on ‘losing control’ of myself, so to speak.” He smirked, “Besides, can you imagine me being drunk?”

“Oof,” Celestia winced playfully, “I just did. You know, we both actually orderd some dessert wine, but I think I’ll just help myself to yours.”

“Please do.”

With nothing else to say, the rest of the meal passed in silence. As Celestia finished off her dessert, a nice slice of rich, chocolate cake, the waiter returned. “Ah,” she spoke up, “here to settle the bill?”

“In a way,” The waiter bowed, “The owner would like to make your meals on the house as a Hearts and Hooves Day gift.”

Celestia raised a hoof, “Oh, that won’t be necessary.” She gestured at Parody, “This gentleman invited me on a date, so he will be paying.”

Parody choked on his tea. “Hmm?” After a moment, he looked up, smile frozen on his face. “I’m paying?”

“Of course.” Celestia smiled brightly, “You weren’t trying to mooch a free meal off the princess, were you?”

His smile stiffened, “… Of course not. That would be ridiculous.”

“You do have money, right?”

“…Yeah, I have… money.”

Celestia shook her head, “You’re too easy to read, Parody.”

He scoffed and looked away. “… That’s just ‘cause I’m letting you read me.” He perked up suddenly. “Now if you don’t mind, I have to go to the bathroom.” He got up and walked away, before coming back sheepishly. He turned to the waiter, “Hey, uh, where’s the bathroom?”

“Allow me to show you.” The waiter guided Parody away.

Celestia sighed, grin on her face, “Too obvious, Parody.”

After a couple minutes, the waiter returned, not with Parody, but with the owner.

“Was there a problem with my offer?”

Celestia shook her head, “Oh, no. I was just teasing my companion. I’ll gratefully accept your offer, but are you sure?”

The owner smiled, “Princess, you’ve hosted many dinner parties here, and that alone has given us quite the reputation, but today you came here on a Hearts and Hooves date. That is worth far more than the cost of your meals.”

Celestia gave an understanding laugh, “Alright. Just keep it in moderation, okay?” He nodded, and she placed some bits on the table, “However, allow me to pay for my companion’s meal, as well as a tip. I’d feel bad otherwise.”

Both the owner and the waiter bowed. “Understood. Thank you for your patronage.”

Celestia walked out of the restaurant and around to the side of the building. She stood in silence for a little bit. “… You know, bailing on your date and leaving them with the bill is considered very rude.”

Parody poked his head out of the bushes lining the street. “Yeah, ‘bout as rude as taking your date to the most expensive restaurant in town, then surprising them with the bill.”

“I know. That’s why I didn’t actually make you pay for it.” She grinned, “I told you I could tease you.”

“Yeah, yeah. So, the bill’s been paid? I’m not gonna have to sell my shop? ‘Cause I’ll be honest, I’m kinda fond of the place.”

“I took care of it, yes. You’ll be paying for dinner in exchange, however.”

“Sounds fair.”

Celestia glanced down the street, “So, what’s next?”

Parody shrugged, shaking loose a few small leaves. “Well, movies are pretty common dates back home. You guys got movies or plays?”

Celestia nodded, “There should be a romantic play showing in the theater today.”

Parody rose from the bushes, scattering leaves everywhere. “Sounds good, let’s go.” He stopped after a couple steps to glance back, “Oh, but we’re paying for our own tickets, okay?”

“Alright,” Celestia followed after him with a wry smile.

Author's Note:

Alternate Event:

Parody choked on his tea. “Hmm?” After a moment, he looked up, smile frozen on his face. “I’m paying?”
“Of course.” Celestia smiled brightly, “You weren’t trying to mooch a free meal off the princess, were you?”
His smile stiffened, “… Of course not. That would be ridiculous.”
“You do have money, right?”
“…Yeah, I have… money.”
"After all, it's only natural that the one who invited the other to be the one to pay for the date, right?"
Parody lifted a finger, "You know, that's a very good point. If I may offer a counter point..." He trailed off before bolting up out of his chair and dashing to the door, only to be tackled by the Royal Guards serving as Celestia's escort as he left the building and dragged back inside kicking and screaming.

Well, that's all the I had written out as notes, so the rest of the story is going to take a while to finish, but I'll try to get it out as soon as I can.

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