This is a Power Lottery story about a guy who gets sent to the Crystal Empire before anyone from the show arrives not counting Sombra. How will the Equestrians react to the new King of the Crystal Empire who isn't even a pony.
Strongly. I like this Chapter. I wait patiently for the continuation. And another question will gg develop magic or be satisfied with the standard set?
Well that sound typical of the world and what the changelings went threw, so yeah this is a good for them on a new start and things going their way. And if Chrysalis is the pairing for Jekyll them I support it
Don't know if it is intended from you to get the story running, but many of his decisions and reasonings are coming out of the blue. Thinks old king was a tyrant, while never see him ruling. Reasons that he doesn't need any guard because there are not under pressure from outside forces, but where does he know that from? There wasn't any exchange of information before that. And so on.
Also he doesn't seem to think about anyone just using him for their own gain. That is one of the main problems of being a ruler.
Anyway, looking forward to the fun times when Cely und Luny visit him.
I like the setup this story has. However I think a look into his thinking process would be good for the character. 10497740 This comment already made good points I want to make too.
For example allowing the changings to take or feed of some of his emotions is a decision I would like an explanation or reason for. Does he think because of his poweres nothing can really hurt him?, ignoring that Sombra damaged his arm. Does he trust their word blindly that it is not harmful? Why does he not immediately ask why they were rejected, does he plan on gaining their trust first, does he want to deceive them?Has he forgotten?
Sure some of that can be addressed in the next few chapters but I would like to understand him better. What does he think before he makes decisions? Does he struggle with making them? Is he analysing everything or does he go with his gut feeling?
This would probably make the story a little longer but you dont have to explain everything if you dont want. A few secrets are good to keep people interested and theorize about why things happen the way they do, but too many make a story hard to follow. At least some hints on how Jekyll thinks would be good, I believe.
Before I start my constructive criticism, I would like for you to understand that what I’m saying isn’t negative. I like the plot line of this story and I’m interested in how you’re going to develop it. However, there are issues I’d like to address. It is because of these issues, trying to commit to reading this story is quite difficult.
So far, I’ve only read up to the third chapter and I ask of you to proofread your work. I believe there have been multiple instances where you missed a punctuation or incorrect grammar (too lazy to quote them and I’m on mobile).
Secondly, your paragraphing. There is nothing wrong with starting a new paragraph once you know that the subject that your talking about is done. In chapter 3, you start it off with a large block of text that shows a step-by-step of what Jekyll is doing every step of the way.
I suggest that you keep it simple and short. If you want to explain how his technomancy works, put it in a separate paragraph. That way, your readers will have a much easier time to follow through what Jekyll is currently doing.
This third criticism is a personal opinion, and you don’t have to take my word for it, but I personally feel that the pacing of your story is too fast.
There is less reaction from the environment, specifically the reactions of the crystal ponies to Jekyll defeating Sombra. I feel that, maybe, before Jekyll lost his consciousness, we could’ve seen some shocked crystal ponies. Shocked because their long time tyrant has been defeated by this bipedal creature. To top it off, I couldn’t feel any impact during Jekyll and Sombra’s confrontation.
You’d think that when fighting with the long time tyrant of the Crystal Empire, you’d see some more destruction other than what I read because what I read just felt like your classic street brawl.
What I’m trying to say is that you’ve underestimated Sombra’s power. I would’ve like it more if he actually posed a bigger threat to Jekyll other than losing his mechanical arm. Perhaps their fight caused a lot of buildings to be destroyed, there wasn’t really any panic that ensued during the fight, perhaps even wounding Jekyll severely, there was no chaos. It’s because of these lacking features, Jekyll’s victory doesn’t feel... satisfying or well deserved.
Again, don’t take what I said negatively. I like what you got going on here and I want to see how the story unfolds.
Hmm...
Strongly. I like this Chapter. I wait patiently for the continuation. And another question will gg develop magic or be satisfied with the standard set?
Cyberpunk Equstria 2077 ??? XD
Bug Waifu yayyyyyy! I wonder will he make a herd with Chrysalis and Nightmare Moon?
Well that sound typical of the world and what the changelings went threw, so yeah this is a good for them on a new start and things going their way. And if Chrysalis is the pairing for Jekyll them I support it
10497228
I can see that
I think you got an interesting setting here.
Don't know if it is intended from you to get the story running, but many of his decisions and reasonings are coming out of the blue. Thinks old king was a tyrant, while never see him ruling. Reasons that he doesn't need any guard because there are not under pressure from outside forces, but where does he know that from? There wasn't any exchange of information before that. And so on.
Also he doesn't seem to think about anyone just using him for their own gain. That is one of the main problems of being a ruler.
Anyway, looking forward to the fun times when Cely und Luny visit him.
10497740
Indeed
I like the setup this story has. However I think a look into his thinking process would be good for the character.
10497740
This comment already made good points I want to make too.
For example allowing the changings to take or feed of some of his emotions is a decision I would like an explanation or reason for. Does he think because of his poweres nothing can really hurt him?, ignoring that Sombra damaged his arm.
Does he trust their word blindly that it is not harmful?
Why does he not immediately ask why they were rejected, does he plan on gaining their trust first, does he want to deceive them?Has he forgotten?
Sure some of that can be addressed in the next few chapters but I would like to understand him better.
What does he think before he makes decisions? Does he struggle with making them?
Is he analysing everything or does he go with his gut feeling?
This would probably make the story a little longer but you dont have to explain everything if you dont want. A few secrets are good to keep people interested and theorize about why things happen the way they do, but too many make a story hard to follow. At least some hints on how Jekyll thinks would be good, I believe.
Thanks for reading my TedTalkTM
She a slut
Wah...she just arrived and already making plans to fill the queen role
Before I start my constructive criticism, I would like for you to understand that what I’m saying isn’t negative. I like the plot line of this story and I’m interested in how you’re going to develop it. However, there are issues I’d like to address. It is because of these issues, trying to commit to reading this story is quite difficult.
So far, I’ve only read up to the third chapter and I ask of you to proofread your work. I believe there have been multiple instances where you missed a punctuation or incorrect grammar (too lazy to quote them and I’m on mobile).
Secondly, your paragraphing. There is nothing wrong with starting a new paragraph once you know that the subject that your talking about is done. In chapter 3, you start it off with a large block of text that shows a step-by-step of what Jekyll is doing every step of the way.
I suggest that you keep it simple and short. If you want to explain how his technomancy works, put it in a separate paragraph. That way, your readers will have a much easier time to follow through what Jekyll is currently doing.
This third criticism is a personal opinion, and you don’t have to take my word for it, but I personally feel that the pacing of your story is too fast.
There is less reaction from the environment, specifically the reactions of the crystal ponies to Jekyll defeating Sombra. I feel that, maybe, before Jekyll lost his consciousness, we could’ve seen some shocked crystal ponies. Shocked because their long time tyrant has been defeated by this bipedal creature. To top it off, I couldn’t feel any impact during Jekyll and Sombra’s confrontation.
You’d think that when fighting with the long time tyrant of the Crystal Empire, you’d see some more destruction other than what I read because what I read just felt like your classic street brawl.
What I’m trying to say is that you’ve underestimated Sombra’s power. I would’ve like it more if he actually posed a bigger threat to Jekyll other than losing his mechanical arm. Perhaps their fight caused a lot of buildings to be destroyed, there wasn’t really any panic that ensued during the fight, perhaps even wounding Jekyll severely, there was no chaos. It’s because of these lacking features, Jekyll’s victory doesn’t feel... satisfying or well deserved.
Again, don’t take what I said negatively. I like what you got going on here and I want to see how the story unfolds.