• Published 31st Jul 2019
  • 7,578 Views, 613 Comments

Shadow of a Doubt - MayhemMoth



Starlight quickly learns it’s going to take a lot to save a pony with no hope.

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Chapter 8: Heartbeat

Though the day had been quite warm, the moment the moon rose, the air cooled to a much more comfortable temperature. The wind was now crisp like the oncoming Autumn, and it gave Twilight a strong urge to open a window for a cool breeze, find a good book, and snuggle under a blanket with a cup of hot tea.

So as soon as she’d finished with her day’s work, she got straight to doing that, picking out one of her newer books while her tea was steeping, and grabbing one of her thicker blankets as she laid out in one of her main rooms. She’d been just about settled in when she heard a knock at the door, but before she got a chance to say anything, it opened anyway. Starlight walked in, head held low and her hooves dragging. She went straight to Twilight, plopping on the floor in front of her and dropping her saddlebag.

“Figured I’d find you here,” She said, brushing a few strands of her mane out of her face, “Well, here or the library.”

“I thought it seemed like a nice evening to relax,” Twilight said, shutting her book to look her friend over, “You look frazzled.”

“I’ve had a very long day.”

“I can imagine, I’ve hardly seen you since our talk this morning. I guess everypony was so glad to see you back,” She smiled, laughing lightly. It trailed off as she realized just how tired Starlight looked, and she offered her tea as she continued, “Though I can also see how that can wear a pony out. Everything alright?”

“No, not at all.” Starlight graciously took the tea, sipping it and making a face at the flavor. It wasn’t quite to her taste, but her current need for a bit of caffeine beat out that mild disgust as she took another sip before continuing, “I need your help with something about Sombra.”

“I take it his day at Sweet Apple Acres went badly?”

“Yeah," Starlight confirmed, taking another swig from the tea, “He caused a mess and crushed some apples, and broke one of their carts. I only just got done scrubbing all the dust and apple juice out of his coat. In fact, he’s probably still half soaked, but I really needed to talk to you.”

She set the teacup to the side, already half empty, staring into the unlit fireplace for a moment. Twilight stayed quiet as she did, waiting until Starlight found the words to speak again.

“It wasn’t all bad though," She began after a moment, "He wanted to stick around for dinner, and didn’t pick any fights, so that’s an improvement. Big Macintosh wasn’t very happy to see either of us there, and as soon as Sombra ate his fill, he was ready to leave. I didn’t mind the urgency either, I was so ready to get home.”

Twilight nodded, “Even a brief moment of improvement is improvement enough.”

“I guess you’re right,” Starlight smiled, though it faded with a sigh, “But that’s not really enough right now. Reforming Sombra isn't just about making him kinder to others, we have to actually help him, and as it stands now, we haven't done much of that.”

"Is this about the mask? I told him that if he behaves I'd take it off this weekend. I know it upsets him, but he should know by now he's still a major threat.”

“It’s not just about his frustrations, it’s about the fact that as long as he's helpless like this, I can't catch a break. Do you know how hard it is to do anything when I feel like I have to check on him every ten minutes?"

"I imagine it's quite difficult," Twilight said, a hoof to her chin as if in thought, "But you do have to remember it was your idea to reform him. You should expect difficulty."

"I shouldn't have to expect the ponies I trust to make everything harder for me," She argued, crossing her arms, "How difficult are we talking though? Just stubbornness and empty threats? Or maybe the fact he hurts himself when he panics? On purpose, if I might add.”

“Oh. That’s... Not good. At all.”

Putting a hoof to her head as if to rub away a headache, Starlight explained, “Applejack tied him to a tree to fetch some water, and then Apple Bloom and her friends found him panicking. She told me he thought they were more hallucinations, and he began to bite his arm. Apparently he said it makes the voices go away, so I think he’s doing it to ground himself.”

“That sounds about right for grounding, even if it’s not the way to do it,” Twilight nodded, “But I’m not sure what we can do about it? I’m not comfortable with the idea of removing the mask when nobody’s around to watch him.”

Starlight grabbed her tea again, taking another sip, “I know it seems like it’s too soon, but if we put off taking that mask off for too long, we really run the risk of his self mutilation becoming a long term habit. I don’t think this is the first time he’s done it, but I’d like it to be the last.”

Twilight stopped to think for a moment, tapping her book a few times as she tried to figure out the best way to go about this. She’d seen Sombra panicking in his cell when he’d first been captured, slamming against the walls over and over, hard enough to draw blood. Had he possibly been doing that out of panic, and not rage as she had initially thought? It seemed a strong possibility, but she knew she’d never get an answer. Still, Sombra’s emotional well being was important, especially if they wanted to rehabilitate him, but as he was now he was in no way fit for society.

“Just a few more days, please?” She asked, “At least until Friday. I’m not comfortable with the thought of leaving him here alone while we’re working. Who knows what he’d get into, or Celestia forbid, where he’d wander off to.”

“And I’m not comfortable with making everything harder for him than it has to be,” Starlight objected, though a quiet sigh escaped her afterwards, “But I guess you have a point. I’ll just have to check in on him multiple times a day.”

“I’m sorry I’m making this more work for you than necessary.”

“It’s fine. Like you said, it’s my fault anyway, and it's only until the end of the week.”

She rose to all fours, finishing off her tea before lifting her bag to leave, the jingle of her busted clasp prompting her to make sure nothing had fallen out. It hung somewhat loosely from its threads, her papers peeking out through the opening, but otherwise secure. She remembered that she still had to go through those, but it was only a brief thought as she saw that envelope again, golden tickets shining through the shredded paper.

Right. That had happened.

Removing the envelope from her bag, she pulled out the tickets and turned to Twilight, asking, “So what exactly are these for?”

Twilight had been gathering up her own things when Starlight spoke, folding her blanket when she paused as she saw the golden slips.

“I just thought you’d want to go to the Gala is all,” She said, setting the blanket on the couch, “I mean, we’ve been friends for quite a while now, and since I’ll be in charge of all the Galas from here on out, I thought you’d appreciate going for once.”

“Okay, but why did you give me two?”

“I thought you might’ve wanted to bring a friend of course! Maybe Trixie or Sunburst,” She claimed, though the suspicious look on Starlight’s face had her wave her hooves defensively, “I swear this has nothing to do with Sombra, I was planning on giving you two even before you decided to reform him.”

She kept her hooves up with a nervous smile, while Starlight stared a moment more. She knew Twilight wouldn’t lie to her, but she couldn’t help but be suspicious. Especially when she decided to speak further on the subject.

“I mean, unless you want to take him?”

It was a good thing she’d finished that tea, otherwise she’d be spitting it in Twilight’s face in pure shock right now.

“You can’t be serious!” She exclaimed, “I’m hardly outgoing, and I imagine Sombra even less so. What makes you think either of us would want to go? What makes you think anypony else would want to see us go? What makes you think I’d want to go with him anyway?”

Twilight had jumped back a bit at the outburst, her feathers ruffling in surprise. She hadn’t expected such a reaction. Smoothing her feathers out a bit, she tried to explain, “Well, the Gala’s not for a few months, so it might be a chance to show Celestia how much he may have improved? I imagine if we do things right, we’ll have managed to mellow him out a bit.”

“You know Celestia hates him, right?”

“She hated Discord once too.”

“Discord never killed anypony!”

“That’s only as far as we know,” Twilight claimed. Starlight paused where she stood, perhaps a bit off put by that comment, “But I don’t really see him as the killing type anyway, though he’s never been overly concerned with others’ safety in some of his tricks. That being said, I’m not actually sure if Sombra has killed anypony either.”

“But what about Princess Amore? Princess Celestia said he killed her.”

Twilight nodded, “I know, and I hate to doubt her, but I talked to Sombra this morning. I asked if he’d ever killed, and he was incredibly insistent on saying he never has.”

“What makes you think he wasn’t lying?”

“He seemed pretty upset at the accusation, for one thing.”

“That doesn’t immediately confirm innocence, you know,“ Starlight said, though it made her realize a few things about that conversation.

For one thing, Celestia had never actually said how Amore had been killed, and Starlight hadn’t asked for any details. But why would she lie, and why would Amore not be within her kingdom if she hadn’t been killed? It didn’t make sense, but it wasn’t something she could further ask Celestia about, and she wasn’t about to ask such things to Sombra, at least not yet. He was already wary, and pestering him about the past again was only going to make their barely established relationship even more strained.

A glimmer of gold in the corner of her eye, and those thoughts left Starlight’s mind as she remembered the tickets within her magical grasp. Shoving them back into her bag, she set it over her back and let out a frustrated sigh.

“I’m going to go check on Sombra now, I need to talk to him about what happened,” She said, giving a somewhat awkward, yet apologetic, smile to her friend, “Sorry about getting frustrated with you. I just haven't had a break all day. All week, even.”

Twilight smiled her own little smile, “It’s fine. I’m not exactly helping relieve any of that stress.”

She picked up the empty teacup, and set her book on the folded blanket, following Starlight as she left. They both stopped in the kitchen, Twilight to make a new cup of tea, and Starlight grabbing a few apple fritters that Applejack had sent home with them earlier. She wasn’t particularly hungry, and even Sombra had scarfed down about three bowls of soup, but if she was going to be talking to him about something personal she might as well bring him in a treat. She’d come to realize he was quite food motivated.

Wrapping the fritters in a napkin, she turned to leave, giving a quiet goodbye to Twilight. Setting a tea bag into her steaming cup, she smiled, not even looking to her friend as she quietly said, “Good night Starlight, I do hope you at least consider going to the Gala.”

Starlight made a face of uncertainty at that, slipping out of the kitchen without a word and making her way to Sombra’s room. She really wasn’t feeling up to the whole Gala thing. Even if she were to go, she had no dress, and no idea who she’d choose to be her plus one. Trixie would be insistent on going if she knew, and Sunburst seemed a little too mild mannered for such an event, but who'd know for certain? It’s not like she could choose which of them to take, and even considering Sombra, well…

Sombra was probably going to be banned from Canterlot for the rest of his life.

Finally upon his room, Starlight knocked to announce herself before walking in. True to her concerns, Sombra was sitting upon his bed with his teeth bared, ready to threaten whoever had come into his safe space.

“It’s alright, it’s me,” Starlight assured. Sombra’s snarl faded as he laid down, tucking under a blanket and folding an arm beneath him. Starlight took note that it was the one he’d bitten earlier, though she held back saying anything yet as she came over and set a hoof on his bed, asking, “May I sit with you?”

Sombra opened his mouth as if to say something, but stayed quiet as he nodded. He lowered his head as she hopped onto the bed in front of him, ears pinned back nervously.

“Applejack said you had a hard time at the farm today, are you okay?” She asked.

“I’m fine.”

She nodded with a sigh, lowering her head to gaze at her own hooves. She hadn’t expected a straight answer, but she’d at least hoped for something. That didn’t mean she was about to give up and let Sombra wallow in his own negativity, she just had to think of a good way to address the issue.

“I know you don’t want to talk to me, at least not yet,” She started, “But I’m still in charge of you, and even if you don’t believe me, I’ve been doing everything I can to help you. So please, if anything’s bothering you, tell me. I’ll do whatever it takes to make things better.”

He briefly bared his fangs again, “I don’t need your help. I’m fine.”

No.” Starlight grabbed him by the shoulders as he tried to turn away, “You’re not. You told me yourself, just a few days ago, that you weren’t. Like you said, you’ve been imprisoned, you’ve lost everything, and you very well may have been killed.”

Sombra fidgeted under her grasp, but didn’t quite pull away, arguing, “And what of it? It’s not as if this is your problem!”

“But it is my problem! You’re my problem!”

“I am nothing but a problem!”

He pushed her away, hopping out of bed with the blanket still covering him, ears barely twitching at the soft thud of Starlight falling, or maybe even jumping, after him. Considering the time it took her to trot over to him afterwards, he assumed the latter, though a hard stamp to the floor convinced her to keep her distance.

“You’re wasting your time, Starlight!” He shouted, mane flaring, “What exactly do you expect to gain from this? Humiliating us both, dragging a tyrant around and coddling him? All you’re doing is ruining your own reputation, and for what? A feeling of self righteousness? That saving a monster will make you look good in the Princesses’ eyes?”

“What? Of course not! Why would I have something to gain? Is it such a problem that I wanted to help you?”

Yes, it is a problem,” Sombra accused, “Nopony in their right mind would even think about saving a monster like me, not unless there was some ulterior motive. What are you after? Fame? Fortune? Perhaps even ascension?”

“What? No, that’s not...” Starlight bit her tongue, holding back anything that could further Sombra’s ridiculous accusations, she didn’t need Twilight showing up to hear a screaming match. “Why are you so against getting help?”

Sombra hesitated, wrapping his blanket tighter around himself as he turned away and said, “Because I am beyond help.”

Starlight was quiet in return, and he took that as a sign of agreement. Expecting her to leave, he fell to the floor to sit, but instead of the slam of a door, a few hoofsteps came toward him. He tried not to acknowledge her, but his twitching ears betrayed him by facing her direction, and before he knew it, her hoof was laid gently upon his cheek. She turned him to face her, a pointless gesture that felt like it meant something.

“And why would you think that?” She asked.

“Because I’m a monster,” He insisted, “And I was never meant to be anything else. I hurt ponies, I manipulate them. There’s nothing worth saving in somepony who was never worth anything in the first place.”

“Are you telling me that, or are you telling yourself that?”

“I’m telling you that, obviously,” He growled, jolting away from her hoof, “The Crystal Ponies knew I was no good, so they did what they could to bring me down. Yet in doing so all they did was make me stronger, and the moment they went too far I crushed them. I tore away their love and happiness to take what I rightfully deserved!”

Starlight’s ears perked as he said that. Was that perhaps a semblance of his motives? Was he finally speaking of his reasons for turning to Dark Magic? She wanted to urge him to tell her more, but knew it best to let him speak on his own time.

Still, there was one thing she felt she could say, “The Crystal Ponies did something to hurt you, didn’t they?”

Sombra went rigid at that, wanting to say something, but hardly letting out anything more than a quiet noise of uncertainty. He didn’t know the answer, he didn’t believe the answer. Nopony could hurt him, he was a king, a manipulator of fear! And wasn’t it true? He wasn’t worth saving, he’d done too many terrible things, why didn’t she believe him?

“You’re not beyond help, Sombra,” She said after a moment. Her voice was soft, despite her previous frustration, “I’d like to think that nopony ever truly is. You just need to stop being afraid of being helped.”

“I’m not afraid,” He argued, quiet and unconvinced, “I’m not. I am the King of Fear, I can’t be scared."

“Anypony can be scared, and that’s okay,” She assured, “I was scared too, at one point. But if you just let me help, you can get better.”

“Why?”

One single word, and Starlight had to consider everything to find a way to answer. Sombra hadn’t been particularly talkative about his past, but she hadn’t said much on the matter of her own either.

“May I tell you something personal?” She asked, “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to in return. I just need to tell you something I think you should know about me.”

He gave a hesitant nod, so Starlight began.

“When I first met Twilight, I wasn’t a very good pony. I did terrible things to her, her friends, and so many other ponies besides that. But even after all the horrible things I did, Twilight did what she could to help me,” Starlight explained.

“I doubt whatever you did could ever compare to me.”

“And you’re probably right about that, but that’s beside the point now. What I’m trying to say is, if Twilight could help me when I was in a bad place, why can’t I help you?”

“Because it’s hopeless,” He insisted, voice quiet, “I’m hopeless. You said so yourself.”

Starlight stepped closer, sitting in front of him and reassuring, “You’re not hopeless Sombra. Obnoxious and a bit petty, but not hopeless. Don’t let anypony ever tell you otherwise.”

Sombra turned away. Starlight once again turned him to face her, leaving her hoof upon his face as he sank into it with a quiet noise akin to a sob. His mask was shifted by the action, and Starlight felt a noticeable dampness under the metal. A part of her thought it was just from his earlier bath, but with a few more quiet gasps from the stallion, Starlight knew it to be from something else. She didn’t say anything about it, he’d probably try to deny it, but she was relieved to see he was finally letting something out. Even as he brought his own hoof up to rest on hers for a brief moment before gently taking it off him, she knew that something within him was softening up.

“Do you know how hard it is?” He asked, dropping Starlight’s hoof to wrap himself tighter within his blanket, “I’ve lost everything, which is sad to say when I hardly had anything worthwhile in the first place. My magic might be suppressed, but it’s still within me, everything else is gone.”

“Yes, but your everything just so happened to be an empire full of unhappy ponies,” Starlight pointed out, “I know it feels good to have all that power, but it’s really bad for you in the long run.”

“For some reason, I feel like I lost everything I had before I was ever king."

"That's usually how it starts…"

Sombra cocked an ear in curiosity, head tilting slightly and blanket sliding down his shoulders. Readjusting it a bit, he said, “It sounds as if you can relate.”

“I might,” She claimed, taking the fritters out of the napkin. Sombra’s ears twitched at the sound, before the smell struck his nose. Starlight giggled at the motion, especially when Sombra seemed to inch closer to her, “Are you really still hungry?”

He quickly snatched the pastry as she handed it to him, saying, “I spent a thousand years without food, I’m merely making up for all the cuisine I’ve missed.”

He tore a chunk out of it, bitterness from earlier all but forgotten as he occupied himself with devouring this new sweet treat. Starlight set the other fritter aside, waiting for Sombra to finish before she spoke again, though it didn’t take long.

“May I ask you about earlier?” She asked.

Licking a bit of glaze off his fetlock, Sombra shrugged, “You’ve asked me a lot of questions tonight. Whether or not I answer this one is yet to be decided.”

“Apple Bloom said you bit yourself earlier on the farm, is this true?”

The licking stopped, Sombra’s tongue briefly sticking out for a moment as his ears pinned back slightly. Readjusting himself to sit in a slightly more regal position, he said, “I don’t think I want to answer this question.”

“I’m not going to judge you on it,” Starlight assured, “This is one of those things I want to help you with.”

“Unless you know how to perform an exorcism, I don’t think you’d be able to help me,” He claimed, before quickly backtracking, “Actually, if you do know how, don’t do that either. I imagine I would not come out of it unscathed. Or alive.”

Starlight wasn’t sure if he was delusional, or cracking a joke, but he sounded far too serious about that claim. She was leaning more towards the former, he was already slipping from reality on occasion with his hallucinations, so this was probably another brief one. She wouldn’t be judging him for it though, that wouldn’t help his condition at all.

“You’re very weird,” She said simply.

“I am an anomaly, yes.”

“You still haven’t answered my question.”

“Fine.” Sombra’s shoulders slumped, and he let out a sigh, “I may have bitten myself to convince the demon to go away.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Because it works, obviously,” He claimed, once again wrapping himself within his blanket, “Do you know how defenseless I feel right now? Torn of my sight, magic, and armor, everything I had to protect myself is gone. If causing a little bloodshed is what it takes for everything to feel safe again, I’m going to shed a little blood.”

“That’s not healthy.”

“Better mine than an innocent pony's, no? I doubt you have anything better to suggest.”

Starlight was quiet. She’d dealt with many problems, but never one such as this, so she truly had no idea what to suggest without thinking first. He needed a way to ground himself, one that didn’t involve hurting himself, or seeing. Having suffered the occasional anxiety attack, she’d figured out a few herself, but were they applicable to this?

Taking the prolonged silence as his answer, Sombra let out a sigh as he whispered, “That’s what I thought.”

“Sombra, I’m not the most qualified to help you with your hallucinations,” She said, catching his attention as he began to rise, “But I can assure you that they’re just that, hallucinations. There’s no demon taunting you, and the voice you hear can’t hurt you. This is just happening because you got hurt, and you’re scared.”

“Try saying that when you can feel it breathing into your ear and down your neck,” Sombra argued, making his way back to his bed. He climbed on and tossed the blanket upon his back before tucking his legs underneath himself.

“There are better ways to make them go away,” She said, following him to the bed, “You don’t have to feel pain to feel something. Other things work as well, like sounds and tastes, and even other feelings. Birdsong is real, grass is real, that apple fritter you ate earlier is real. These are all the sorts of things you can try and focus on. There has to be something you can focus on, right? It can be anything.”

“A heartbeat, perhaps,” Sombra suggested, putting a hoof to his chest and feeling that unfamiliar thump within. Apple Bloom had let him feel hers earlier, and it had managed to soothe him enough to regain himself, so it was the first thing to come to mind.

“Yes, a heartbeat works too!” Starlight nodded, climbing into the bed with him and setting her own hooves upon his, “Heartbeats are good, heartbeats remind you that you’re alive and real, and that things without one can’t hurt you.”

That wasn’t entirely true, but Sombra couldn’t be bothered to argue at the moment. He was too busy feeling the thump of his heart, something he hadn’t acknowledged in so long. He’d tasted his own blood and felt constant rushes of adrenaline, but ever since his revival, he hadn’t quite been aware of the fact that he was truly alive again.

It was a strange feeling, and one he wasn’t sure he liked.

Lowering his hoof, Starlight’s still set upon it, he said, “I’m still not convinced that everything that’s happened to me so far isn’t real.”

“And I guess I can’t do much else to convince you,” Starlight sighed, sitting up, “But I do hope you consider what I said, and try to ignore the voice.”

“I suppose I can try.” He doubted her advice would work, but had agreed anyway. The things Starlight said had made little sense to him, but she knew more about the modern day than he did, so maybe her words had an ounce of truth to them.

She slipped off the bed as he began to settle in, wrapping up the remaining fritter as she made her way to the door. Sombra heard it open, and with a somewhat anxious twitch, he lifted his head in worry.

“Are you leaving now?” He asked.

“Oh, sorry, I guess I should’ve told you. Was there anything else you wanted to say?”

Yes, please don’t leave. The demon doesn’t bother me when you’re here. That was what he wanted to say anyway, but he could never admit to such a thing out loud. Instead, he opted to say, “I was just going to ask if you could read to me tonight?”

Starlight habitually shook her head, saying, “Not tonight, sorry. I know I said I would last night, but I’m really tired now. I’ll try my best to read to you tomorrow, alright?”

Sombra nodded, a hidden look of disappointment upon his face. Laying down again, suddenly realizing how sore he was from both his earlier panic and the heavy weight upon his face, he said, “I suppose that’s acceptable.”

“Good night Sombra.”

The door shut, leaving him back to dark silence. Darkness had been his element once, something he could manipulate and take solace in, but now it was holding him prison. It wasn’t even true darkness either, for he could see even in that, but this was something different. It was forced and unwelcoming, and instead of feeling right, it scared him.

He hated it. He hated it so much. What did it matter if he was promised freedom by the end of the week? Every day felt like an eternity in this shadow forsaken mask.

He wasn’t sure how long he lay there, but it felt like hours before he heard a quiet noise, and he bolted upright. Something was rattling in the opposite direction of the door, dashing his hopes of Starlight returning for whatever reason. It continued for a moment, before another unknown noise, and a quiet buzz sounded from the same place.

There was a brief moment of silence after, nothing more than the rapid beat of that foreign feeling organ in his chest, before a quiet laugh echoed around the room. Sombra backed up on his bed, back hitting the wall as it came closer. The voice snuck up slowly, seeming to morph around the room, until he felt something brush against his muzzle. Frozen in fear, he let out a quiet whine, prompting the voice to laugh a bit louder.

“Have you missed me, Sombra?”

He didn’t care what Starlight had said. This was all real. This was all terrifyingly real.

Author's Note:

Update: Though I will admit I had trouble writing this chapter, it seems to be well liked, and I'm not quite as upset about it as I was before. Thank you to all the kind words in the comments!

Previous notes, left for context: I am not entirely happy with this chapter. In fact, I feel like it could've been scrapped entirely. It doesn't meet my standards, it feels too dialogue heavy in places, and I had to postpone over three pages because the scene felt too soon for the narrative.

Now, I'm not saying the chapter is completely awful, but I have very little of the next chapter written, so it would be another potential month of waiting if I didn't post this. Though I am hoping the next chapter won't take nearly as long, since I personally think it's one of the more interesting ones.