The Line Between Fire and Light

by Stolenalicorn

36 The Nightmare is Coming

Starlight had no idea where she was, she wasn't even entirely sure she was awake as this was clearly not her bedroom. There were windows but they just looked out to a sea of stars in whatever direction she looked. The room was dark, but not so much as to be unnavigable. As she explored the room she decided that she was awake, everything was too strait forward to be a dream. But now the question was, where in Equestria was she?

There were a few familiar things in the room, enough for her to realize that this was associated with James. She may just be in New Guardia. But where? It looked like nowhere in New Guardia she's ever been before.

There weren't many doors to try, and on her second try she found the door didn't open with her magic. She stopped for a moment, could she be locked in? Or was this just guarded against magic? She walked towards the door to try pushing it open, just as she got close it opened on it's own. Why would there be an automatic door leading to an apartment? She just couldn't understand.

“Ma'am?” A melodic male voice came after the door opened. “If you're ready, we've been instructed to bring you to the meeting.”

“Meeting?” Starlight asked as she looked to the elf guard standing in the hall. “What about?” She had no idea how she had gotten here, let alone about any kind of meeting she was expected to attend.

“I'm sorry, we're not privy to that information.” He calmly replied.

Starlight shook her head before she left with the guard to attend the meeting. Clearly they were in a large building of some kind judging by the long corridors. They were filled with species of all kinds going about their business, this served to confirm to her even more clearly that this was somewhere in New Guardia.

The meeting room offered her no answers as to where they were. The floor to ceiling windows opened out to more of the same star field with no horizon, as if there were no ground beneath them.

Luna, Asriel, Lucca, and Tali were sitting at the conference table as she walked in.

“Sorry to startle you.” Lucca said as Starlight approached the table. “But it's bad enough that the Princess and Asriel were spreading the news that James is missing. I know you mean well, and that it's part of some friendship mission but we can't let the populace know. It could cause a panic. … Fortunately there are enough that know he disappears to save other worlds often enough that that's the rumor going around at the moment.”

“We didn't want to think that the problem could be about James, but it does seem to fit the available evidence. So we want you to help us find him.” Tali added as she looked Starlight's direction.

A new voice came from some hidden intercom on the table, it was a voice that Starlight had never heard though Luna was able to identify it right away as Liara, another of James's wives. “He vanished two days ago in the middle of the night after severing all connections to his omnitool and emergency transponder. We only know he's not on the Station anymore because we can't detect any of his implants. There was a burst of spiral power, or DETERMINATION as Asriel calls it, just before we lost all trace of him. We think he used perceptual teleportation to circumnavigate any means of us tracking him.”

“Which also means he could literally be anywhere.” Tali finished.

“Why would he leave? That doesn't make any sense.” Starlight said as she took a seat at the table near Luna.

Lucca gave a sigh, what she was about to tell her was considered a secret. While many people knew it, they didn't know just how bad it was. “What I'm about to say doesn't leave this room. Period. Both for the sake of New Guardia and for James's sake. This also means we don't tell Derpy.”

Luna looked to Lucca astonished, there was still information she was holding back?

“James isn't just depressed. Occasionally he becomes suicidal and we usually spend that time keeping him distracted until it passes, normally a day or two. The chemical imbalance that caused it initially was corrected long ago, but there's too many scars for us to hope he'll get better. We think that wherever he went he went intending to die.”

Asriel nodded slowly as Lucca confirmed just what he had always suspected about James while Luna and Starlight looked on horrified. While the concept of suicide wasn't completely alien to them, it was one that none in Equestria really had any understanding of. It just didn't happen.

“And when we say death we mean a bit more than you might think .” Tali said, her voice as grave as Lucca's. “Even if his body dies he can still recover, he's died before. But if he allowed his soul to die as well then that's the end. Now we just need to think about where he might be.”

While informative, Tali's addition had just made this whole thing a lot more confusing for Luna and Starlight. Asriel continued to think about what they had said. If he's died before and they're worried that his soul might not have the DETERMINATION to persist, there's one place he felt James would find appropriate. A piece of his soul resonated at the thought.

“Could you drop us off on Mount Ebott?” Asriel asked. “There may be a hint, or even something there we can use to help him when we do find him.”

“You think he's in the underground?” Lucca asked. She wouldn't put it past James to go there to hide, but it was also a place where he could find hope. Something he wouldn't want in his current state of mind.

“No. I think, though, that some reminder of the good he can do would help him when we do find him.” Asriel calmly lied.

Lucca nodded. “I'll pass it on to Tenyo.”

“Drop us off?” Starlight asked, that didn't make any sense to her, it's not like they were on some carriage or train.

Lucca smiled at Starlight's obvious confusion, she had forgotten that space travel was not something the ponies or even Asriel were used to. “We're aboard the Einherriar. While not New Guardia's flagship it is James's preferred ship. Though Hinako wouldn't like to know that.”

***

James burst from a small yellow flower on the edge of a generally rectangular flowerbed. The flowers had not been tended in years but it didn't seem to show as they neatly covered the space filled with light. James thought that this place was as good as any as he sat down and looked into the darkness of the underground, his mind drifted and he began to feel numb. Closing his eyes, he found the haunting faces starring back at him.

A small yellow flower sensed the depression hatred and regret and slowly opened an eye. It was not the creature it had once been, before there was desire for power and the want to kill and torment. But now it had a hunger, one that it found oddly satisfied by this human that sat by the flowers.

It began to satiate itself on the miasma, began to grow strong again on the first meal that it could remember having since it finished off the humans on the surface. There were names that it began to recall, but only one seemed important now. Flowey.

***

Nearly a day later the group violently melted onto the top of a lone mountain. Asriel led them to a cave where he had walked out years earlier with his family and never expected to see again. There was enough light to see the old graystone buildings of New Home as they walked further into the underground.

“So this was your home?” Starlight said as they walked through New Home towards the Core.

“Yeah, for a little while.” Asriel said as he looked down the hallway that had his old bedroom, and likely still held his dust. “This is where the humans trapped the monsters for generations.”

Starlight remembered the stories of King Sombra and how he enslaved his people. “Wow … and I thought our history could be dark.”

“What is it you wish to find here Asriel?” Luna asked as they took the elevator to the abandoned hotel below. The plants had nearly taken over the lobby, a large glowing mushroom patch spread out from where the Mettaton statue spat it's water onto the decaying carpet. It was actually a surprise to find that the elevators even worked still.

“I think we're going to find James.” He admitted as they tore down the vines covering the front door. “I think he would have come here because somewhere inside he wants to remember that he's better than he thinks he is.”

Once outside the bounds of the city it was a genuine surprise to the ponies to look up and find what appeared to be the night sky above them. The crystals sparkling in the distance like unmoving stars. “Wow.” Derpy said as she flew up to see just how massive the cavern was. “I didn't know caves could get this big.”

“Derpy!” Starlight called. “Please come down, we don't want anypony getting lost and Asriel's the only one who knows the way!”

“This would be easier if we could all fly.” Asriel said as he watched Derpy slowly float downwards.

“I can teleport us.” Starlight offered. It may not be flying but if she knew where they were going she could definitely get them there.

If she can that would save us over a day of walking. Asriel thought as he regarded the unicorn. It was probably even the better option over flying. Since the underground had been abandoned for years there could be any number of problems that would delay them. While the elevator had been serendipitous there was no guarantee that they could get as lucky again. The Underground was massive, and even empty they could still be delayed by any number of problems. “Even if you don't know exactly where you're going?”

“Yeah, it may take a few tries but I can get us where we need to be.” Starlight smirked as she thought about her teleportation to the changeling kingdom.

A bit of good news was certainly welcome. “That's great, we're just going to the end of this cavern is all. A quiet little flowerbed just past the end of the ruins.” Asriel directed. When James had held their world together that's where he had gone. He must have sought out the place to remind himself that he was better than he thought himself to be.

“Great, what does it look like? Don't spare any details.” Starlight said as she got the spell ready.

That was easy enough for Asriel, he had spent so much time there he'd never be able to forget exactly what it looked like.

With a brilliant flash of light the four of them stood in the dark nearly empty room of the cave. James lay spread out on the flowers, thorny vines holding him fast to the ground. At his head a small yellow flower danced back and forth. Almost as if it had a will of it's own.

Asriel froze at the sight, subconsciously he felt for his arms. There was no way he could be there, no way Flowey could be there. It just wasn't possible!

The flash of light didn't go unnoticed by the flower, and neither did the fear. It turned to face the newcomers, reveling in the terror coming off of the one he recognized best. It was already gorging on the miasma of it’s unconscious prey and now it had a side dish. “Howdy.” It said in a singsong fashion. “My name's Flowey. Flowey the Flower. Golly, you must be really confused right now.”

“No!” Asriel shouted at the Flower, catching the ponies off guard. “You can't possibly be here!” This was wrong. He had been Flowey, but he was better than that. He had recovered. This thing should not be!

“Really?” Flowey asked smugly as he wrapped James tighter and tighter. “Are you really so stupid as to have not figured it out already?”

Clearly these two had some unpleasant history together, and if he was dangerous Luna had to know. “Who is this Asriel?”

“Flowey.” He repeated in the voice he had always used for Flowey. “Flowey the Flower. And he's not anyone's friend.” His voice lilted toward the end as he fell back into his past.

No!

He was better than that, he was not that hateful creature anymore. Asriel clutched at his head and clenched his jaw not wanting to scream out in terror and anger. He felt something on his back and opened his eyes a bit to find Starlight patting his shoulder with her hoof.

“Let's have a little fun first. Maybe you can try to save this idiot here. That is if you can even wake him up. Take as long as you like, I look forward to watching you struggle.” With his offer said, Flowey retreated back into the ground, however his vines still held James fast.

Derpy didn't hesitate as she flew over to James and began shaking him in an attempt to rouse him. “Come on James. Everypony's worried about you. Please get up.” She kept her voice calm as she tried to wake him even though she could feel that there was something seriously wrong.

“If he is asleep, perhaps we can reach him in his dreams.” Luna suggested.

“That's a great idea. You can talk to him there while we try out here.” Starlight said happily.

Luna shook her head. “I did not mean the royal we, I meant the four of us can go and speak to him. I suspect he is trapped in a nightmare not of his own making. He may need all our help.”

Starlight looked to the vines wrapping James. “But what about Flowey?”

Asriel shook his head. “Flowey's more interested in us entertaining him. He's already thought about what he can do if we wake him up. This isn't a gamble for him, just a game.”

Derpy smiled as she listened to him. “Wow, you know an awful lot about him, don't you. Were you friends once?”

Asriel didn't want to talk about it, but it was something he needed to confront. “No. I am Flowey, or at least I was Flowey. I don't know why or how he's here but I know how he thinks.”

Luna and Starlight looked to him, they didn't really understand it. The closest comparison Luna could come up with was the relationship between herself and Nightmare Moon, but this was clearly different. “I believe we can worry about that later, let's just try to get James safely out of his dream for now.”

With the agreement of the others Luna began to explain what they needed to do to join James's dream, and before long they were sleeping nearby. Luna's horn glowed and silver tendrils snaked their way to each of those resting. The nightmare was coming.

They stood on the destroyed road of a ruined city landscape, rubble littered the streets and smoke rose from most buildings. There was a feeling of hopelessness here, a feeling of guilt and pain. It was Asriel that first noticed a corpse laying under what was once a building. This was a scene of hell come to life for them, but not one that Asriel was unaccustomed too. The worst part of it was the silence, the pervasive bludgeoning silence. Nervously, and not intentionally, Starlight began to hum and talk just to do anything that would stop the unrelenting silence.

Nothing seemed to move and even their steps seemed muted. They looked around as little as possible as they walked forwards, Luna's innate understanding of dreams leading them towards their goal.

There was a lone silhouette floating above the nightmare scape at the epicenter of the dream. It silently floated, observing the destruction below, having seen it thousands upon thousands of times.

“I believe we've found him.” Luna quietly said as they looked up at the familiar shape in the distance. Luna and Derpy began to fly towards James as they hoped to understand why he was here. Luna had seen many dreams and nightmares and she now knew that this was his own doing. He had chosen to come here.

James watched as below him he walked to another settlement, soon their cries would fill the silent void before joining it.

Starlight couldn't let them do this alone, as she concentrated a pair of wings sprouted from her back and she gracefully took to the air. Keeping close behind the gray pegasus. Asriel remained on the ground, sure that at any moment Flowey could show up again.

Luna placed her hoof on James's shoulder as she got close. “Why have you gone to this place James?” She calmly asked.

James didn't look to her as he spoke. “Because it's where I need to be. Where I deserve to be.” His voice was hollow, dead. He had accepted this and was patiently living out his punishment. As he finished speaking screams of terror and agony sprang to life in the distance, drawing all but his attention.

“What's happening over there?” Starlight asked as she recoiled at the noise.

James remained dispassionate as he spoke. “Me.” He listened and closed his eyes, placing a face to each voice he heard. He didn't always have to think about it, but their memory was growing more distant. He didn't want to forget, he didn't deserve to forget.

“What do you mean by that?” Derpy asked. Everything about this nightmare frightened her, even James had a terrifying presence in this place.

James sneered as he heard the question. “Please leave me alone.” There was finally something to his voice, anger. “Give up and go home before you know too much!” James opened his eyes, despite the anger in his voice and painted on his face it was easy to see the pain he felt. “Just remember me for who you think I was, and not who I really am.”

“Just come with us and we can show you who you really are.” Starlight said as she came up on James's side.

“Who I really am?!” James shouted. “I know damn well who I really am! Now leave me alone to face my mistakes.” He insisted, his sneer turning into a scowl. How could any of them know who he was, he hid that from everybody. Hid it behind a jovial and happy exterior, he'd even incorporated the cracks into the facade to paint a more believable picture.

The screams of terror and agony intensified as he watched himself walk into another building. Everyone was hiding now, hoping that if they stayed quiet in their home he wouldn't notice them and would just pass on by. They were wrong. He couldn't even remember why he had come to this world, why he had gotten involved. Just that there was some war, and he was ending it once and for all.

He could remember what happened before that, what had sent him on this path that led to this planet, and the next, and the next … He'd just watched his friends and family die to a monster that he should have destroyed long before this happened. Then he watched as he died too. Though perhaps if he died now he could prevent this from ever happening. After all, even the past was no fixed thing.

“James, I know how it fells to cause so much pain. Even if you were this person, this is not who you are anymore.” Luna insisted. She was echoing the sentiment Twilight and her friends had given her and it seemed appropriate here too.

Rage filled James's face at the denial. The screams stopped suddenly as he finally turned to his audience. “Go away!” As he shouted a pulse of energy pushed them back, slamming them into the ground hard. Even in the dream they felt the impact as though it were a physical thing. “You know nothing about who I am, or what I've done! This monster is who I am, who I was, and who I will become again if I don't keep myself in check. Or better yet, end it all here!”

Derpy couldn't listen to him speak about himself this way. He was always so kind and caring, he was patient with her and he made her laugh. He wasn't this monster he believed himself to be! She flew back up to him, her face resolute. “No! I'm not leaving!”

“If that's how you want it then destroying me is the only way to end this! Can you do that? If you can't, I'll show you the monster I am!” James shouted as he glared at the small pegasus who hovered in front of him.

Depry swallowed hard, James was frightening her but she wouldn't let anything he said deter her. Her friend was there, and he needed help.

“We won't have to!” Luna insisted, but in reality she didn't know if they could stop him now consumed by his pain as he was. But they had to try.

James bared down on her and Asriel noticed that James was far angrier than he had ever seen him. “Derpy! Run! We can't reason with him anymore!” He shouted.

Starlight looked to the caprine child for a moment before joining him in urging for Derpy to flee. “Please, Derpy. He's lost and he won't be coming back. We have to leave!” She didn't want to admit it was hopeless, but if he was turning on even innocent Derpy there truly may no longer be any hope.

“You aren't this person, you're a hero. You help people, you care about people. This isn't just your fight, this is a fight for everyone everywhere who cares about you. Because even if you don't see it we do. We see who you are and will not let you become this monster.” Derpy said defiantly. Even as everyone shouted at her to escape, to find somewhere safe. Even as James bore down on her, his mouth curled into a fierce snarl, muscles corded, chest heaving, hands twisted into claws, and tears lining his enraged eyes.

“I will do it if I must.” Luna assured herself. She gathered what she could of her power into her horn, ready to attack James.

Derpy Hooves floated before James, ready to accept whatever happened to her. Knowing that she could save her friend filled her with DETERMINATION. Screams of protest and horror rose as James reached around the small form. With one final breath it ended. The moment froze with Luna ready to attack, silent screams of horror and defeat on their lips, Asriel watching his friend become the creature he had once been himself. The moment ended and all was still, no attack came, the silent screams stayed silent, Asriel hoped he saw what had become of his friend.

“You are so much better than you think.” Derpy said as James held her in a tight hug.

The tears that lined his eyes streaked his face, his heaving chest receding to a sob, his voice finally escaping his throat.

“I know you say those things. I know you all have this trust in me. But this is no dream, this is a memory. There is no forgiveness for what I've done, no recompense to be paid, no amount of suffering I can ever endure to wipe away the horrors I have done. I don't deserve friends, I don't deserve forgiveness. I do not deserve to ever be rid of this demon.”

“But you do. You deserve all of that.” Derpy said as she wrapped her forelegs around James comfortingly. “And we won't let you face this alone anymore.”

Luna flew towards James and smiled as she saw the man she knew once more. “I was intent on punishing myself for the damage I had done as Nightmare Moon. All that did was create a new monster. One I had to finally forgive myself to overcome.”

Starlight used her dream wings to carry herself over to the large weeping man. “I don't know what it's like to suffer through what you have. But I understand the desire to make things right. You can come back from this, you just have to let yourself.”

James's sobbing slowed as he spoke. “I did far worse than just rob people of their identities, or cause suffering. I murdered these people, all of them. Entire planets left dead in my wake! How can I come back from that?” Derpy slowly backed away from James, but her smile did not dissipate. They slowly lowered to the ground where James dropped to his knees.

Asriel was the next to approach as he heard the confession. “Just like I did.” He said. “I'd killed so many; friends, family, and strangers. I'd convinced them to kill themselves. I tortured them for centuries. It was easy because they always forgot, always came back. It wasn't until a weird old man dressed like a kid stopped me and told me that he forgave me that I was able to finally start. I can't yet forgive myself, but I can accept forgiveness.”

James stared at the odd gathering around him. He couldn't understand why they cared so much after seeing the horrors he had committed. Why any of them could even think about forgiving him. He wanted to flee, to find somewhere he would not be followed. A voice he had long come to accept as his own urged him to break free of those who cared, escape to a void where he would never be found. Where he could never hurt anyone again.

He felt himself start to drift away again. To that place in his mind where he did not feel. It was then that he heard the shouting. Three voices as one came in clearly.

“James! Let's see you grit those teeth!”

James opened his eyes and saw exactly what he expected coming right at him. Kamina, Simone, and Kitan rushed him, fists clenched and flying for his face. He didn't even try to dodge as each fist found a different part of his face to collide with, knocking him back and astonishing everyone watching.

“We know you've done things you regret!” Kamina shouted as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“But there's nothing you can do about it!” Simone added.

“So why are you still dwelling on it instead of using it to fuel the great things you can do?!” Kitan shouted in his face.

“You've been holding yourself back, trying to keep from making another mistake. But you're not moving forward if you keep coming back!” Simone said as he stared down at James.

“Screw caution! Screw the consequences! Make your own future, and make it one that you can be proud of, mistakes and all!” Kamina said, holding his finger inches from James's face. “After all, you're one of us. And just who the hell do you think we are?!”

James began to laugh as he climbed to his feet. With a nod the three apparitions faded away, but the feeling of strength stayed with him. He smiled to the confused group who stared blankly at him. “I like to think that they would help remind me of what you just did, and if necessary knock some sense into me.” He explained, smiling for the first time in a long while.

“I believe it's time we all woke up.” Luna said with her own smile.

Author's Note:

Everyone has darkness within them, and it will consume you if given the opportunity.
It's not over yet, there's still Flowey(?) they have to deal with.