Welcome to Station 283
“The planet of Equis is told to have once provided a home to a immensely powerful race. This race has long since gone, disappeared to who knows where, leaving no trace. It has been said that they might have brought the very ancestors of the Celestial sisters to our planet, however now there is only myth and legend about them. It was said that at the height of their power they had the ability to live in the heavens and control life and death.”
“Is that it Twilight?” Spike said, obviously interested in this myth.
“Yeah... That is the only mention of it in the whole book, huh, weird.” Twilight replied, an irritated look on here face while she flipped through some of the pages. Suddenly there was a loud pounding on the front door.
“Spike could yo-” she began to ask.
“I know, I know, I'll get the door,” with that the little dragon got up and walked across the room to open the door. As soon as he had turned the handle though he was bulldozed by Applejack.
“Twilight have you seen Applebloom?! I can't find that little filly anywhere!” she shouted, sweat beading on her forehead. “Have you seen her?”
Twilight shook her head and replied as calm as she could, “Sorry AJ, I haven't seen her all day. Do you want me to help look for her?”
“Thats mighty kind o' ya Twi, I am checking over at Fluttershy's house next.” She said attempting to compose herself, “I am just worried is all, I haven't seen her since this morning.”
So with that Twilight and Applejack walked out the little dirt road to Fluttershy's house. When they got near the house they heard a whimpering animal and soon found Fluttershy tending to the poor thing. After a quick conversation the distracted pegasus let them know that she had seen the Crusaders at the edge of the Everfree Forest.
“Well what in tarnation did you let them go in for?!” Applejack said accusingly, her worry temporally overpowering her general composure.
“Oh... ummm... well I wasn't trying to let them... but well there was this sick animal... and... and...” Fluttershy responded growing more and more quiet as she started to feel bad.
Applejack started to soften up after she started to see tears form in the corners of Fluttershy's eyes, “Well shucks
Sugarcube, Ah am sorry I didn't mean to yell, Ah'm just plum worried that something bad has happened to them.”
Just at that moment there was a shout from outside, “Ponies come quick, I am worried sick! A small shout from young Applebloom, hurry come with me, save her from her doom!”
The three ponies hurried through the forest following Zecora to a large deep hole in the ground where they could hear the shouts of three little fillies. Twilight wasted no time with shouting down and just teleported herself to the bottom of the hole. After quieting the trapped crusaders she quickly used her magic to shed some light on the situation.
“Whoa...” all four of them exclaimed at once. In the light of Twilight's horn they could see a long passage way, all tiled, clean, like it wasn't some kind of underground worm tunnel. Then she inspected the fillies. They were huddled together, shivering slightly, and covered in dust and scratches, but seemed ok.
“W-what is this place M-m-ms. Twilight?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“I... I don't know girls.” Her first instinct was to flee from this place, for it gave her an eerie feeling, like there was something wrong here. Still though her investigative side was pushing her further into the tunnel... or corridor as it were.
"How did you get in here?" She asked somewhat absent mindedly still wondering over this development.
"We w-was crusading fer our herb collecting cutie marks, an' the ground just collapsed under u-us." A mud covered and weary looking Applebloom replied.
“Alright, I am sending you up girls, tell the others I will just be a minute.” she then teleported the Cutie Mark Crusaders back to the top of the hole with AJ, Zecora, and Fluttershy, who immediately went about making sure the little fillies were alright. Twilight then immediately started to think about what this place could be.
It isn't anything made by ponykind, so where did it come from? She then tried to decide which way she should venture down this tunnel. Well, there were only two directions so she decided to go left, she liked left, it was a nice side. Also the tunnel on her left side was in better condition. So in this case the left was doubly a good choice. Moving away from what she guessed was a collapse in the room, the tiles became a brighter white from lack of dust. Her hoofsteps echoed as she continued down the dark passage, her instincts telling her to run, screaming, but her insatiable mind forced her farther in. As she continued down the tiled hall she soon came upon a large set of stairs. She took a deep breath like the air down there would be poisonous or something and began to descend. She soon reached the final step, there the room extended out of the range of the light from her horn. When she placed her front hoof on the floor, there was a loud click and lights flashed on, flooding the whole room with light. Startled, she jumped about as high as Pinkie could bounce after eating copious amounts of sugar. After she regained her courage, she let her eyes adjust and surveyed the room. It was a large and filled with weird pieces of furniture and what looked like black... windows? All over the room there were these small rectangles of glass on top of little stands placed on the weird pieces of furniture. There also appeared to be some of the larger windows mounted on the wall. Her right ear twitched picking up a low hum that wasn't there before.
Where did it all come from? What is this place? She got closer to one of the small black panels and tapped it tentatively with a hoof, nothing happened.
“Well,” she said to herself, deep in thought, “With this many windows it must be some kind of... observatory? Maybe a research station? But what could be seen through these? They are just blank.”
As soon as the words left her mouth, one of the larger windows mounted on the wall lit up. A second later lines of text started to scroll across it. It was in a language she had never seen before.
“Um... Hello? I can't understand you.”
As soon as she spoke again the text stopped. It soon started again, flashing what she assumed were singular words. It kept scrolling through these words, waiting a couple seconds before it changed to the next. The symbols kept changing but then it displayed, “Equestrian?”
“Yes! Equestrian! You are smart aren't you!”
The window? Or whatever it was simply stayed blank for a few moments, then displayed, “More input required”
Ok... Twilight had never met anything as weird as this... thing. She, however, assumed it was a greeting and an introduction was in order.
“Hello my name is Twilight Sparkle, I am the-” She had started but was cut off a loud chime.
“Loading Language... Complete” The black panel stated in a voice Twilight had never heard come out of anypony, “Station 283 ready for operation, Engage?”
Engage? What on Equis is it talking about? Why do I always meet the crazy ones?!
“Sorry sir, but I don't really understand your question. You can't be asking me to be engaged, what do you really want?”
“Restating question... Do you want this facility to engage its primary directive?”
By Celestia's beard what is it talking about?! Well I better not make it angry. “Sure?”
With that the black panel started to fill with words rattling off each line as they are printed.
“Generators powering up... Complete
Internal systems powering up... Complete
External systems powering up... Error”
“Umm... sir?”
“Primary lights... Online
Scanning atmospheric levels... Optimal
Engaging pod 1... Error”
“Sir?”
“Engaging pod 2... Error
Engaging pod 3... Error
Engaging pod 4... Error”
“What is happening?” Twilight asked, terror starting to rise in her voice.
“Engaging pod 5... Success
Engaging pod 6... Error
Engage wake up procedure?”
“I uh... I dunno...” Twilight replied now in the full grip of terror. What is this thing doing? What are all these systems and what pods are these?
“Processing response...
Processing...
Response classified as: Positive
Engaging wake up procedure”
At the back wall a large tube started to glow and steam started to flow from it. Then the panel next to Twilight started blinking red.
“ERROR!
ERROR!
ERROR!
Primary awakening procedure failure, Activating fail-safe wake up. Subject will require immediate medical attention.”
With that final line a tube at the back of the room began to open quickly, blinking red as well, and a creature burst out of it falling to the floor. With that Twilight ran as fast as she could, she finally teleported, escaping the chokes and wheezes coming from the creature she left in the room. She collapsed to the ground from fear and sudden tiredness next to her very confused looking friends.
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4.bp.blogspot.com/-6OdeJ5lFV84/Tzp3DFb__hI/AAAAAAAAAyE/Fz2NlpTLMtQ/s320/dis-gon-b-gud.gif
Sir, you had best not disappoint.
Post-reading: Awesome!
I like very much so far!
Interesting. I demand more.
1047543
Speechless Agrith? I am too...
I wonder if this is a Observation Research Lab or a crashed Research Vessel. I hope to see the human able to perform some ESP stuff (Though most would just seem to be the same as the Unicorns are capable of doing) and some tech still usable in some ways. Liking and Faving to see how things happen.
Thanks for all of the positive feed everypony. It was just something I had been thinking about a long time and finally got around to putting it on paper. I will now have to get around to writing more it seems.
Well stay tuned I will try and make this as interesting as possible.
This looks quite promising, to be honest. There are some missing commas and too vague descriptions in some paragraphs. But other that, it's pretty good. Can't wait for more.
Promising idea, execution could be a lot better.
Spread out the formatting, every line of speech and every description deserves it's own paragraph. It's a lot easier on the eye.
I also spotted some grammatical errors, not really detracted me from the writing as much as the formatting but try to pay attention to it.
Lastly, more showing would be really nice. Your current descriptions of the environment are short and don't really give you the feeling of the atmosphere of the scene. No need to describe every tile on the wall but it would really liven up the scenes if we had more information about what's going on and how it affects the characters.
"Subject will require immediate medical attention."
*runs away*
Number 5 - GeeZeR
Now shifting into Severely Apprehensive Mode. (And generally enjoying it.)
You sure know how to start off a story with a bang! I can't wait to see where this leads.
MOAR.
1047681
Thank you for the constructive criticism, I will try and make it a little easier on the eye, and try and keep from text blocking.
You blaze through the first chapter quite swiftly. While I do like where this is going, the way you are getting there seems abit confusing and jumbled, such as from when they started to talk to zecora to after saving the CMC (I assume this is do to not wanting to give the rhyming any time to speak). Are you new to writing?
1050083
Indeed I am. I was attempting to not allow the plot to become to hung up on dialogue and the such and keep it moving. Nothing irritates me more than a story that won't just get on with it.
1050292 Yes, but a story moving to fast makes it hard to understand, like suddenly realizing there is a character in there you don't know where they came from. That distracts from the story just as much. An experienced writer, in my opinion, has learned how to control the pacing so well he/she does it before the words form in their mind. I suggest writing a whole bunch more stories.
Work on your writeing a lil bit but other than that it's lookin good
Interesting. I'll see where this goes.
That was way too convenient
Then she finds where they disappeared to 5 minutes after reading that.