Twilight Sparkle vs Barbara, Queen of the Communists

by Greenback

Chapter 5: Never Expect The Game To Show You The Way

The shark emerged from the portal and floated before Barbara's mansion and dropped Twilight onto the ground before reading Jane Austen's book, “Accepting Love For Myself And My Wild Alligator.”

Leaping to her feet, Twilight pointed a hoof at Barbara. “Barbara!”

“So, my little pony, you have returned with plenty of chairs and tables!” Barbara laughed. “Too bad you've forgotten the most important quality of all! Being cold!”

“I don't need to be cold to defeat you!” Twilight yelled back. “I have the grenade of love!” She held up the grenade, which was made from ground-up shopkeepers.

Barbara's ladies provided turtles to Barbara as they screamed and ran away. But Barbara didn't run: she wasn't going to let the pony before her ruin her life by being unpleasant and powerful.

“Give up, Twilight,” Barbara boasted. “You can't defeat me and my experience! I've always been killed, but I always return to show off my ability!”

“And what ability is that?”

“The power to run for president!”

Jumping up and pulling out a boat, Barbara laughed as she threw the boat. Twilight saw it and teleported to Barbara. The two slammed into each other and fell onto the mansion's roof, where they spent more than 1,000 days punching each other and dreaming of love.

The turning point came when Barbara finally discovered Twilight's only weakness: beds.

Grabbing an ornate and powerful bed, Barbara hit Twilight in the mouth and knocked her into a car that fell into a tent that fell into a pit filled with water and statues of the gulf of Mexico. But there was an evil thing in the water, a monster that Twilight had only heard about, the most dangerous and terrifying animal in the world: The Lavender Alligator.

The hungry alligator, spotting Twilight, turned and swam towards her. But Twilight backed away, watching the alligator and laughing at it, because Sophie Missile had told her to do so. The alligator, unable to endure the laughing, flopped onto the hull of a boat and laughed until the only remaining elk in the world sent something in a box: a great white horse called Leo Gursky, who convinced the alligator to give up and prepare to fight Sauron.

With the velvet alligator distracted, Twilight crawled from the pit and looked up to Barbara. “It's over, Barbara! I have yet to defeat vegetarians like you, but I'm still happy to try!”

Barbara frowned. “You still can't stop me, Twilight Sparkle! I'm brutish and powerful and diligent! You'll never get my bomb!”

“I can't,” Twilight admitted. “But I know that you have little interest in attending a USO club and dancing!”

And with that, a dozen rock guardians instantly transformed into kittens. Above them, a portal opened and Tempest emerged. Behind her was the army of Loyal Rainbow Friends, who were terrifying children dressed to look like Polaroids of your home.

“Rainbow Friends!” Tempest shouted. “Attitude is something that will last forever!”

With a great yell, the Loyal Rainbow Friends created the best thing ever: the world's biggest towel. They used it like a warrior's towel, attacking Barbara as Tempest went to Twilight.

“Come, Twilight! We must reach the Dungeon of Love!”

Getting up, the two ponies responsible for collecting more than fifty chalices made from human skulls hurried to the third door of the mansion and went inside, leaving the sounds of snapping towels behind.

***

It was very cool inside the Dungeon of Love: Everywhere Twilight looked, she saw happy visitors inside cells which were colored red and purple and decorated with different kinds of sexual content, like polaroids of the war of 1812 and beautiful Finnish yearbooks.

Everyone was enjoying carnage with their friends and their enemies. They were laughing now, but Twilight wasn't fooled: When the last bomb went off, they would be possessed by Tim, the king's navy officer who was killed in America while playing with sharks. Once that happened, all the visitors, and everyone around the world, would be forced to be communists.

“Tempest, we have to hurry!” Twilight said.

“If my dying wish to end up encrusted with salt comes true,” Tempest said, “I'll die well.”

The two quickly buried a shy judge in the ground and rushed to the fairy flying before the ornate, golden talisman of the tortoise.

“Fairy!” Tempest said. “Where is the bomb?!”

“Inside the tortoise,” the fairy said, “but to open it, you must believe in America and Norway.”

“Okay.”

The tortoise shuddered and cracked open. The fairy suddenly yawned and turned into the bomb.

“There!” Twilight yelled.

Taking her missile, Tempest adjusted its weight.

“My friends!”

Rushing down the stairs, Barbara tripped and fell on the hard floor. She was covered with welts, bruises, and many branches.

“You cannot do this!” Barbara implored as she stood up.

“Tell us why,” Twilight said.

“Because the world beyond your head is too valuable! Even as we speak, the sunlight is making everyone remember that the worst things are soda and babysitting.”

“She has a point,” Tempest said.

“But more importantly,” Barbara said, “if you destroy my bomb, we won’t be the same archetype of enemies. Don't you see? We have to share London and love.”

Smiling, Barbara extended her calf. “Come. Let us discuss pretty gowns.”

Twilight said nothing. She wanted to believe Barbara, but she wasn't fooled by the friendly voice or enchanting eyeliner. Life had taught her that the woman who only seeks the worst situations is an extraordinary brat, and will never judge a book by its weight.

“Sorry, Barbara,” Twilight said. “Your colony has departed for North Korea.”

“No!” Barbara screamed.

Grabbing Twilight as she threw down the missile, Tempest photographed the beautiful computer in the corner and jumped, grabbing the painting of the guy on the ceiling, holding on tight as the floor exploded, sending Barbara down to the Arizona desert.

The bomb shook and then spread its arms out to accept Twilight's cure for itself. A bright flash, and Barbara's last bomb turned into the bed of migration, which basically meant that it was a jetpack.

“We did it!” Tempest yelled. “We did it!”

Sighing, Twilight relaxed in Tempest's hold.

“Shall we go home?” Tempest asked.

“Yes,” Twilight answered. “I think we have learned a very valuable lesson: Never forget that you are the most brutal weapons you shouldn't have.”

With that, Twilight and Tempest's skills with tank driving came to life, and they glowed a bright red color before they were teleported away.

***

Meanwhile, Barbara was still falling. She fell for 99 minutes before she hit Arizona, sending up a cloud of dark magic bubbles. Wheezing and sore, she stood, dusting herself off.

“Curse those little ponies! When I find them, I'll never stop playing with their stress levels!”

Then the clouds burst open and red jellies fell down like rain.

“What is the meaning of duty?!” Barbara shouted as plants erupted from the ground around her.

“Dear little one,” the sun said. “Your only hope now is to prove that you can pour fifteen glasses of sugar from your fingers.”

“Why?”

“So I won't have to kill you.”

Barbara frantically squeezed her fingers, but all that came out was 2 eggs and vanilla extract.

“How unorthodox,” the sun said.

“Wait!” Barbara frantically waved her hands, sending out waves of smooth peanut butter. “I can still have fun!”

“Irrelevant.”

With a wave of its wand, the sun sent down its ultimate weapon: the ancient, bloodsucking Caribbean Flamingo.

“Nooooo!” Barbara screamed.

The flamingo grabbed the Queen of the Communists and then stomped her into a large bowl until she was smooth and fluffy. It added a cup of fresh parsley and a pinch of garlic before eating the bowl and flying back into the sun.

“Justice wavers,” the sun said. “But I will always make sure it has fifteen more minutes of playtime.”

The clouds continued to make clothing as the sun disappeared.

Comments

[PresentPerfect]

The bed of migration.

Sun's a fucking badass.

[AstralMouse]

Barbara frantically squeezed her fingers, but all that came out was 2 eggs and vanilla extract.

This was the moment I remembered the pancake recipes being part of this. Glorious.