Twilight Sparkle vs Barbara, Queen of the Communists

by Greenback

Chapter One: When Somepony Seems Like Every Other Weapon

Author's Note:

As noted in the story description, this story was written with the assistance of a predictive text generator: AKA, the thing in your smartphone that offers suggestions on what words to use when you're typing out a text message.

To create this story, I used the predictive text generator offered by Botnik, and used several different text files as databases, including transcripts of all MLP: FIM up to season 9, pancake recipes, historical descriptions, Rogue tips for an RPG, Halloween safety tips, and Carl Marx's Communist Manifesto. Once those databases were loaded, I then started writing the story, using words the program suggested.

It's important to note that this story was not written entirely by the text generator: Whenever I finished a chapter, I typically had paragraphs of nonsense like this:

Twilight continued on, her spell healing everyone around her with love. This was rather frightening, as everyone was shaking so badly that they flew off into the forest of pointed teeth, their earmuffs impatiently staring through the trees.

I then edited down the material to create something halfway coherent. While I did have a basic idea of what the story was going to be after doing the first chapter, everything that came after was improvised on the spot based on the generator's suggestions, some of which are... well, surreal, to say the least.

Lastly, I've been working on this story for two months, but Ultra-the-HedgeToaster's story, "Botnik Sparkle makes a hoof" came up first, so I pinkie promise I'm not stealing the idea of a predictive text story. However, some of the notes and resources he linked to - such as the transcripts of all the episodes of MLP to date - were immensely valuable in making this tale the best(?) it could be.

One cold, clear morning, Twilight Sparkle woke up inside her castle and realized that constant social conditions without development involves a system of wives in England. And not only that, but she had dreamed of a creature that could ruin her fixtures and fittings. She had laughed and destroyed all of Twilight's plants and dvds of the show 'Mercy and Might: The Legend of the Headless Hotel.' But worst of all was when the creature had emerged from the shadows and revealed herself to be Barbara.

"You will find something you'd never expect in your heart," she had said. "Convent maps!"

Her laugh still echoed in Twilight's thoughts.

“Spike!” she cried.

Spike immediately ran into East Germany and called Twilight on his phone. “What is unfit to attain its own supremacy?!” he asked.

“That's not important now!” Twilight said as she nervously eyed the toilet. “We have to get to the castle and ask Celestia why communists are everywhere!”

“Why should we do that?” Spike asked. “We can dance all night! Yeah, yeah, I really wanna dance!” And so Spike began to dance, but then began to sob. “Why? Why can't my mirror in the mirror make Pepsi?”

“Spike,” Twilight said, wanting nothing more than to make Spike's dream come true, “We should rest a little while before I go down the stairs.” Even as she spoke, Twilight wished she hadn't. The stairs were determined to make Spike wiser than her. If that happened, he would certainly find work tedious and meaningless, and if that ever came to pass, Spike would leave her.

“Twilight?” Spike asked over the phone. “What country compels us to deny our dreams?”

Twilight wasn't sure how to answer. Barbara. Convent maps. East Germany. Flowers. Communists, and now the stairs. Twilight knew she couldn't solve this on her own. She needed a wife who could disarm bombs.

“Spike, come home,” Twilight said. “I wanna rock across the floor and shout uuuuuuh.”

***

With a goal and a destination in mind, Twilight ran into the streets.

The sun looked down at Twilight. “What are you doing?” It demanded.

“I'm going to Tempest's house,” Twilight said.

“Why?”

“To ask her to be my wife.”

“Why?”

“So we can concentrate on death.”

“That is acceptable,” the sun said. “Proceed.”

Twilight continued on until she reached Tempest's house. “Tempest!” she yelled while thinking about coloring books. “I need you!”

Tempest opened the door. “What's wrong?” she asked.

“I need you to be my wife.”

“Okay,” Tempest said. “I can do that.”

Relieved, Twilight trotted inside, humming a brutal tune from Montana. Tempest watched her go, reminding herself to run away soon.

“Now, Twilight, you may rest until spring,” Tempest said. “Until then, please tell me nothing.”

“Okay,” Twilight said, and lay down.

When spring came several months later, Twilight moved. “Can we talk now?” she asked.

“Of course,” Tempest said. “Now, what's England doing to make you feel dangerously awful?”

“It's not England that's my problem,” Twilight said. “It's that East Germany will use us with every ruling class in Germany to attain sympathy from blind individuals for national emancipation from France.”

Tempest was shocked. “That's greedy. What can we do to increase capital and thereby renew untenable asceticism?”

“We need to disarm all the bombs.”

“Is that all?”

“No,” Twilight said. “We need to have Celestia marry us all.”

***

With a plan now in motion, Twilight and Tempest ran to the Royal Palace, where Celestia was tripping on sidewalks.

“Princess Celestia!” Twilight said. “Why are the communists everywhere?”

Celestia picked herself off the street. “Because of Barbara, the communists are periodically destroyed, but they always come back with the power of zenzizenzizenzic love.”

Twilight was horrified. She had always hated communists, and now she had to learn more about their parents. But that would have to wait: There were doomed children by the Scottish church, and they were all looking at the fire hydrant.

“Celestia, I need you to marry Tempest, me, and everypony else in Equestria!”

“Of course, Twilight! I'll be happy to after I give God unwrapped copper vegetables.”

“Celestia, God and the vegetables can become friends,” Twilight said, “but only after the wedding!”

“Oh my, you're right!” Celestia said. “Come!”

A short time later, the three entered Celestia's family home and laughed at the notion that friendship ends when there's plenty of gin.

“Now,” Celestia said, “you wanted to get married?”

“Yes,” Twilight said.

“Then let us begin,” Celestia said. She stood behind the luxurious podium. “Twilight, Tempest, do do you think this relationship is doomed?”

“No,” they said.

“Do you, Twilight, pledge to take my problem and know that I won't have a problem anymore?”

“Yes,”

“Tempest, do you pledge to eat only factory-made cars and bags?”

“Yes.”

“And do you, Equestria, pledge to share passions and political treachery with everyone?”

“Yes,” Equestria said.

“Then by the power vested in me by the Scottish chieftain Alex, I hereby pronounce you all my friends!”

Twilight and Tempest cheered, as did Equestria and everyone in it.

“Now that you are all married,” Celestia said, “we're about to die!”

“No,” Twilight said. “Tempest and I need to get to East Germany and disarm the bombs.”

“Bombs?”

“Yes, the bombs,” Twilight said. “The ones that will infest Europe with communists. The big, old, noblewoman Barbara, made them. She wants to be master of all time. We must stop her.”

“That is a wondrous idea!” Celestia said. “You have my blessing. Now go and laugh together.”

Twilight went to Celestia. “Thank you, Celestia. I'll never forget your kindness.”

Celestia smiled, putting a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “Twilight, remember this when you're about to die: God is celebrating Halloween in Detroit, where He gets His daily reports with candy and tombstones.”

Smiling, Twilight chased Tempest to the legendary love rainbow, and onto the waiting plane.

Comments

[karnazom]

There is no 'Queen' In the working class, Only Comrades!

Anyway random story and i approve

[MinuetteColgate]

This...is...beautiful!

[The Blue EM2]

Harry Potter and the Rest of the Sentence, anybody?

[Samey90]

The sun looked down at Twilight. “What are you doing?” It demanded.

“I'm going to Tempest's house,” Twilight said.

“Why?”

“To ask her to be my wife.”

“Why?”

“So we can concentrate on death.”

“That is acceptable,” the sun said. “Proceed.”

The sun quickly accepted that Twilight was a millenial...

[Curtis Wildcat]

...Okay. I don't have time to look at this now, but judging from the final few paragraphs, it's absurd enough that I know I'm going to like it. Marking this as 'Read Later'.

9523813
Come to think of it, I think some years back someone tried something similar with a Harry Potter fanfic of sorts. It seemed a bit dignified in its absurdity.

[Charles Farrow]

Someone definitely had fun making that cover art.

[The Blue EM2]

9523861
I believe you are thinking of Harry Potter and the Portrait of what appeared to be a Pile of Ash.

[ledezma25]

Tempest the Pony, now featuring GUN

[Curtis Wildcat]

9524173
Okay, yeah. That was it. Thanks. >^_^<

[The Blue EM2]

9525038
No problem.

[PresentPerfect]

this is fucking amazing and I'm dying XD